Author has written 3 stories for Twilight.
Okay, before the profile starts i want to put the links for the outfits in Cullen Academy, because i don't want to make all my readers scroll right through my profile to see the outfits. So here they are:
Tanya's outfit in chapter 11:
Hi my name is Laura!
I live in London!
I have the most amazing best friends in the world, Ella, Marlee, Naomi (she has a fanfiction account too), Hannah (American penpal) Kate, Shrinny, Toni, Kim, Siobhan and Becca. They are all absolutely amazing! I love them all soooooooooooooooo much!
It is my ambition to be an author by the time i'm fourteen!!
When they handed out the unusual looks, they gave me a triple dose! I'm EXTREMELY tall with bright red hair and incredibly pale skin, which burns within an hour of being in even the winter sunlight!
I'm proud of being a red head, and i dismiss anyone who teases me about it as an idiot, and although it does occasionally get me down, i try not to let it, and my amazing BFs and incredible family are a great help. Besides, i now have an excuse to get angry at nothing!
Calling me an idiot won't make you less of one
So why do it?
I have always loved books, and i think they're amazing, but one day for my birthday, one of my BFS Hannah (see above) sent me Twilight. I read the back and i thought ' Hmmmm. Vampires. Thats sounds... odd. It either sounds like a fairy tale or a horror story' But anyway, i thought if Hannah had recomended it, it must be good, because shes amazing at english, and she loves reading. So i read Twilight... and loved it! I got the next two as soon as i could and i got all my friends reading it! It's been my favourite book for a really long time now, and i think Stephanie Meyer's incredible! I loved it long before it became as popular as it is now, but i'm so pleased that it is! I love all four books, and i can't wait to see the movie!
My list of everyday superheroes (in no order):
1. My mum
My top ten authors (again no order except for the first two)
1. Stephanie Meyer
My favourite fictional boys (again no order!):
1. Edward Cullen (Twilight)
2. Rob Wilkins (missing)
3. Emmett Cullen (Twilight)
4. Jasper Cullen (Twilight)
5. Jesse DeSilva (Mediator)
6. Seth Clearwater (Twilight)
7. Jacob Black (Twilight)
8. Henry (the luxe)
9. Will (the subtle knife)
10. Jim (sally Lockhart mysteries)
You know you live in 2008 when...
This poem was written by an old lady who was very ill, and was found by her nurse when she passed away. October the first is going to be the official pensioners day from now on, so remember, respect the elderly, they know far more than you or me.
An Old Lady's Poem
What do you see, nurses, what do you see?
Remember this poem when you next meet an old person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within...
We will one day be there, too!
READING IS MY BRAND OF HEROIN (AND SO IS EDWARD CULLEN)
Copy & Paste It's:
-If you think those stupid kids should just give the rabbit the freakin' Trix, copy this into your profile.
If you know someone who should get run over by a bus, copy this into your profile.
-Milk tastes good. People call me crazy, but I'm just random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile!
-If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.
-If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile
-If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile.
-If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this into your profile
-If you don't watch Laguna Beach or the O.C. or The Hills religiously, never have, never will, and are proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.
-If you've ever known you were in mortal danger but decided to go through with the stunt anyway, copy this into your profile
-If you are addicted to vampires and would like to become one, copy and paste this onto your profile.
-If when you have a child, you'd consider naming them Edward or Anthony, copy this into your profile
-If you are so obsessed with Twilight that it is NOT even funny anymore, copy this into your profile
-If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile
-If you think Edward Cullen is hot, copy and paste this onto your profile.
-If you want to slice out Jacob Black's organs, throw them into a fire, and do a native dance around the fire, for what he did in Eclipse, copy and paste this onto your profile.
Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Yavie Aelinel, Crazy Billie Joe Loving Freak, Shadow929,SweetNCrazieSugarmuffin,The Komodo Dragon Phoenix,Bust_A_Groover, Tecna, Triggonseed, The Only Innocent Writer Here-Yumi, EstellaB, NarnianMelody, tookieclothespen, bellabookworm9, GoodyGoody23, EdwardIsMyLover, FrevrnvrLasts, The Dawn Is Breaking, Naomi Cullen, Bookluver142
-92 percent of American teenagers would die if Abercrombie and Fitch/American Eagle told them it was uncool to breathe. If you are one of the 8 percent who would stand there and laugh, copy this into your profile.
-If you think Taylor Lautner is the hottest guy alive, copy and paste this onto your profile
-If you are absolutely in love with Edward, from Twilight, copy and paste this into your profile.
-If you have ever wanted to be that little hyper pixie of Alice, copy and paste this onto your profile.
-If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
-If you have a true friend, copy and paste this into your profile.
-If you think that Emmett absolutely ROCKS, copy and paste this onto your profile.
-If you spend multiple hours each day reading and/or writing, copy and paste this onto your profile.
-If you cried, screamed, or threw a fit when Edward left Bella in New Moon, copy and paste this onto your profile. (I screamed and threw a fit, haha. i also cursed Edward)
-If you think that the Twilight books are the best books known to woman and man, copy and paste this onto your profile.
-If you think that writing or reading Fanfic stories is fun, copy and paste this onto your profile.
-If you are addicted to FanFiction, copy and paste this onto your profile.
-If you agree with Bella that life without Edward is useless, copy and paste this onto your profile.
-If you've ever acted like a paranoid fool because you believe (or wish) that the Twilight characters exist, copy and paste this onto your profile.
-If you've started having dreams featuring Twilight characters, copy and paste this onto your profile.
-If several inanimate objects hate you, post this on profile.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual labels on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
'American Idol' made it famous...the radio made it annoying!
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Edward Cullen made every girl want a bloodthirsty vampire instead of a knight in shining armor.
Since Edward is a perfect angel, and God created angels, and Carlisle created Edward, into a vampire, so God is Carlisle. that and every one of us woke up, saw Carlisle, and thought he was God.I find "good morning" a contradiction of terms
Lessons Learned in Twilight:
1. You can enjoy the banquet while resisting the wine.
If the sky is the limit, then what is space? Over the limit?
"God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made woman." - Adela Rodgers St. Johns
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you!
"We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police do."
True love is when you don't want to sleep because real life is so much better than a dream"
A day without sunshine is like... night.
If at first you don't succeed, try walking around the brick wall.
You have more chance of dying by an asteroid collision than in a plane crash.
The dimensions of the Space Shuttle, one of humanities greatest achievements, were specified over 2500 years ago by a horse.
Edward Cullen: Sexier Than You Since 1901
Emmett Cullen: Stronger Than You Since 1916
Rosalie Cullen: Better Than You Since 1916
Alice Cullen: Quikier Than You Since 1901
Jasper Hale: Charming Ladies Since 1843
Bella Swan: Danger Magnet since 1987
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends
Boys are like slinkeys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
"My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone.” ~ Anonymous
"If you know me, chances are you hate me." ~ Anonymous
"Heaven doesn't want me and hell is afraid I'll take over." ~ Anonymous
"When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back." ~ Anonymous
"Sometimes, people just build walls up not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break through." ~ Anonymous
"The cracks in the cement are a reminder that no matter how strong you may be, you can break." ~ Anonymous
"Anyone can be called a father, but only some can be a dad." ~ Anonymous
"Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy...because it takes one smile to cover up a million tears." ~ Anonymous
"If the heart is one of the strongest muscles, why is it so easy to break?" ~ Anonymous
"I like the idea of karma; you can go around and do bad things to people all day assuming they deserve it." ~ Anonymous
"Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all the time and have the time of your life." ~ Anonymous
A good or best friend!
A good friend will comfort you when he rejects you. A best friend will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"
A good friend will be there for you when he breaks up with you. A best friend will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."
A good friend helps you up when you fall. A best friend keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"
A good friend helps you find your prince. A best friend kidnaps him and brings him to you.
A good friend will ask you if you're okay when you're crying. A best friend will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!"
A good friend will offer you a soda. A best friend will dump theirs on you.
A good friend gives you their umbrella in the rain. A best friend takes yours and says, "Run - beep - run!"
A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move the bodies.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"
A good friend has never seen you cry. A best friend won't tell anyone else that you cried...just laugh about it in private with you whenyou aren't down anymore.
A good friend asks you to write down your number. A best friend has you on speed dial.
A good friend will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing. A best friend will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.
A good friend knows a few things about you. A best friend could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story.
A good friend tells you she knows how you feel. A best friend just sits down and cries.
Friend: Will help me find my way when I'm lost
Best Friend: Will be the one messing with my compass, stealing my map and giving me bad directions
Friend: Will help me learn to drive
Best Friend: Will help me roll the car into the lake so I can collect insurance
Friend: Will watch my pets when I go away
Best Friend: Won't let me go away
Friend: Will help me up when I fall down
Best Friend: Will point and laugh because she tripped me
Friend: Will bail me out of jail
Best Friend: Will be sitting beside me saying "Dang, we screwed up"
Friend: Will go to a concert with me
Best Friend: Will kidnap the band with me
Friend: Calls my parents "Mr." or "Mrs."
Best Friend: Calls my parents "Mom" or "Dad"
Friend: Asks me for my number
Best friend: Asks me for her number
Friend: Hides me from the cops
Best Friend: is probably the reason they are after me in the first place
Friend: lets me make an idiot of myself in public
Best Friend: Is up there with me making an idiot out of herself too.
Best Friends: Are 4 Ever
list of stuff
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
ONE FOR THE GIRLS!
(1) A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman alive." the woman replies, "i'll miss you..."
(3) Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
(4) Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
Find the guy that calls you beautiful instead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who'll lay under the stars for hours and listen to your heart beat.
Or will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy that kisses your forhead,
who keeps your picture in his wallet,
who wants to show you off to the world even when your in sweatpants,
who holds your hand in front of all his freinds,
who thinks your beautiful without makeup,
one who is constantly telling you of how much he cares and how is lucky to have you,
THE one who turns to his friends and says THATS HER!
Did you know...
kissing is healthy.
bananas are good for period pain.
it's good to cry.
chicken soup actually makes you feel better.
94 percent of boys would love it if you sent them flowers.
lying is actually unhealthy.
you really only need to apply mascara to your top lashes.
it's actually true, boys DO insult you when they like you.
89 percent of guys want YOU to make the first move.
it's impossible to apply mascara with your mouth closed.(my mother has to jut out her chin because she foged up the mirror)
chocolate will make you feel better.
most boys think it's cute when you say the wrong thing.
a good friend never judges.
a good foundation will hide all hickeys... not that you have any.
boys aren't worth your tears.
we all love surprises.
Now... make a wish.
Wish REALLY hard!
WISH WISH WISH WISH
Your wish has just been recieved.
Don't think of your self as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.
If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, copy and paste this into your profile.
Ninety-three percent of the teen population would die if Hannah Montanna or The Simpsons said it wasn't cool to breathe. Copy and paste this if you would be part of the seven percent that'd be LAUGHING YOUR BUTT OFF!
Olny srmat poelpe can raed this.
cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The
it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
A girl asked a guy if she was pretty; he said no. She asked him if he wanted her; he said no. She asked him if she left, would he cry; he said no. She turned to leave; he grabbed her arm and said, 'Your're not pretty, you're beautiful. And I don't want, you I need you. And I wouldn't cry if you left; I would die.'
You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You hurt, I hurt. You jump off a bridge, I get a paddle boat and save your stupid...
When it rains on my parade, I bust out the slip n' slide.
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.
If you can stay calm when all around you is complete chaos, you probably haven't fully understood the situation.
If you think that people on commercials talk funny or use phrases no human beings would ever say, copy this into your profile.
If you talk back to the TV (or the computer, or a book), copy this into your profile.
If you have ever been the only one to think some really stupid joke was funny, copy this into your profile.
TGWF: Thank God We're Female
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Boy, I didn't fall for you, you tripped me!
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT!
If you think normal people are boring, copy and paste this on your profile.
You don't need a reason to be happy, you only need a reason to be sad.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
There is nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and paste it in your profile.
A large percent of writers don't know the difference between "your" and "you're". If you're one of the ones who does know ands wants to slug them, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you talk to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you hear voices in your head, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you KNOW the voices in your head are real, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you have ever felt the undeniable urge to slam your head into something, whether it is another person or not, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ORFS (Obsessive Rabid Fangirl Syndrome) and are proud of it, copy this and paste it in your profile.
If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this into your profile.
If you and your friends have a nickname, title, or anything else for each other, copy and paste this in your profile.
If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.
If you're in junior high and the boys in your class still haven't gotten rid of their cooties, copy and paste to your profile.
If you think fighting is fun, but war is pointless, copy this into your profile.
Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso .
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives,They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner."Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity...Copy and Paste this into your profile!!
Annoying things to do in an elevator
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag,
2) STAND silent and motionless in the
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look
12) TRY to make personal calls on the
13) DRAW a little square on the floor
14) WHEN there's only one other person
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they
16) ASK if you can push the button for
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.
I told my boyfriend that an overprotective vampire watches me sleep and that he is the real love of my life, he was okay as long as Edward left me alone
I told my parents the same thing... now I'm in a mental institution.
I told my enemy my best friend was a werewolf, she laughed
I told my best friend the same thing, she slapped me
Funny Sayings from random webs:
The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didn't work that way…so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness.
A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
You can’t be late until you show up.
Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.
Funny Twilight stuff:
The future is not always set in stone
you cane enjoy the bouquet while resisting the wine
Verify news before doing something stupid
Love can be like heaven in the middle of hell
They can't make them like a Cullen any more
It's understandable for little kids to be scared of doctors. Especially vampire doctors!
Mythical creatures seem to like rain.
having a pulse is over-rated
Edward Cullen puts the Greek gods to shame
Real men sparkle
Hybrids are cool
'Vegatarian' has many meanings
Clumsy is not something to be ashamed of
Rain isn't an omen, just unavoidable
Hearing voices in your head doesn't mean you're crazy
you can lie in your thoughts
What's dangerous to the body is dangerous to the heart
stupid lambs and sick masochistic lions are good pairs
Everyone has a soul mate, even if it takes a hundred years to find yours
Imprinting can suck
Nothing beats an irritable grizzly.
Reviewing makes the heart grow fonder, and the updates faster!
1. Someone says the word car and you say, and I quote(obviously), "Speaking of Italy and sports cars I stole there, you still owe me a yellow porshe."
2. You keep your balcony door unlocked at night, waiting for Edward
3. You pull all-nighters to read fanfics
3. Too many more to name, I'm sure my friends are so sick of me by now they could name a few
92 percent of kids come from broken families, if you like COOKIES, copy and paste this onto your profile
If you had a choice between human and vampire, and you would choose vampire, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you think being unique is cooler than being cool, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you are madly in love with a Twilight or HP character(preferably twilight) copy this on your profile
If you are alive, copy and paste this to your profile
If you are dead, copy and paste this to your profile
I wasn't born yesterday, and neither were you. If you were congratulations on learning how to read at such a young age~ lemony snicket
Everything here is etible. Even I am edible, but that is cannibalism my children and frowned upon in most socioties~charlie and the chocolate factory
'Never take life seriously, no one gets out alive anyway.'
'There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.'
'When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.' (Ha, like I'll die... I'll be a vampire!)
'Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?'
'Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.'
'Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.' ..
'When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.'
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they're not out to get you.
Remember what you just said, because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and you'll be devastated then!
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not.
My favorite word is sarcasm.
Percussive maintenance - the art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again
A piece of cheese could come up with a plan more cunning than that.
I'm not insane... i just do whatever the voices tell me to.
Boys are like trees-they take 50 years to grow up.
Life isn't passing me by; it's trying to run me over.
Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.
Was that an earthquake, or did I just rock your world?
Don't hate yourself in the morning-sleep till noon.
When I say LOL I'm not laughing out loud. I just have nothing better to say.
I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.
When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.
If you don't like me, there is nothing I can do. Here's a newsflash, honey; I don't live to please you.
They say, “Guns don’t kill people- people kill people.” Well, I think guns help. I mean, if you just stood there and yelled, “BANG!” I don’t think you’d kill too many people, you know?
You know, there are poor people in Africa who can’t afford sarcasm, and yet you abuse it!
Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.
Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby"
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)
Death is hereditary.
There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.
A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Funny quotes ...
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
Funny sayings, Funny Words of Wisdom
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
4. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
6. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
7. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
9. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"
11. My Reality Check bounced.
12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
13. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
14. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.
18. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
19. If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll do it for you.
20. If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good
21. The family that sticks together should bathe more often.
22. The fridge light DOES go out. Now let me out of here!!
23. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
24. I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
25. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
26. Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely
Illiterate? Write for FREE HELP!
Broken guitar for sale - no strings attached.
1. He's dead Jim. Kick him if you don't believe me
2. Oh yea? If you're so smart, why don't I understand you?
3. Oh, I'm sorry, were the voices in my head bothering you?
4. I can't remember the last time I forgot something.
5. Time is the best teacher, but it kills all its students.
6. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
7. Why remember quotes when you can make them up?
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Sign on motorway garage:
Seen during a conference:
Notice in a field:
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
Sign on a famous beauty parlor window:
Notice in the toilet
When you dial a Mental Hospital...
Welcome to the Psychiatric Ward.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear
Things You Don't Want To Hear During a Surgery
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called !
- Oh no! I just lost my watch.
- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
- There go the lights again...
- Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
- What's this doing here?
- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
-You sure it wasn't this leg?
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- Are his relatives waiting outside?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
- This scissor looks rusted.
- Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
- Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?
- Now from where did this spider come in from.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes.
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Never try to baptize a cat.
Ways to annoy people:
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Ask people what gender they are.
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
If you have a glass, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Speak only in a "robot" voice.
Blow your nose when some one is eating.
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "eat away your food " !
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Name your dog "Dog."
Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Drum on every available surface.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Set alarms for random times.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Things you really shouldn’t say:
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
That shirt makes you look fat.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Gosh, why don’t you kill me already and put me out of my misery?
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
No, that does not look good on you.
1 800 WHERE R U-
Jessica: Oh yeah, I'd been touched by the finger of God, alright. The question was, which finger?
Chick: Get away from those flames, they're hot!
Jessica: You'll blow up a helicopter but you won't go out with me? What is wrong with you?
Rob: Because you're a freakin' psycho!
Jessica: You think you've got a problem? I've got a guy on the other line who doesn't know I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him!
Great Aunt Rose: And by the time they got to her, her uterus had fallen out!
Jessica: I need tampons
Okay, i like my profile now. but you know what would make it even better? If you all read my stories and then review! That would make this a really good day! And it would mean that i could put mkore stories up, and more random funny things on my profile. So you see, it does benefit you if you read and reveiw! So do!
Girl: You should slow down, this is too fast
Boy: This is how a motorcycle is supposed to feel but if you tell me you love me, i'll slow down
Girl: I love you!
Boy: Now you have to give me a hug.
Girl: (She squeezed around the boys boys waist from behind him)
Boy: Now you must take my helmet from my head and put it on you then i will slow down.
Girl: (puts helmet on her head)
Newspaper headline next morning: Fatal motorcycle accident after brakes went out, male died and female lived being the only one with a helmet. In truth the boy knew his breaks went out and told his girlfriend she loved him one last time and to feel her hug then he gave her his helmet so she could live.
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