UhmItsSam
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Joined 10-20-08, id: 1721361, Profile Updated: 02-03-09
Author has written 1 story for Twilight.

I honestly couldn't care less about this profile

Just know that I only capitalize and punctuate for the general public's benefit;if I'm PMing you or reviewing, I will be as improper as it gets

I love music (generic statement)& the Twilight series(who doesn't)

Toni and Bella's dresses:

How I picture Z(minus the earring and the eyes should be a light green-"dark pastel green"):

Favorite Quotes:

Stepbrothers:

I'm going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you!-Brennan Huff

You have the voice of an angel. I mean, it's like Fergie meets Jesus.-Dale Doback

Stay golden, Ponyboy.-Alice

One day my father just said, "Goddamn it, you're seventeen, stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job!" -Dr. Robert Doback

I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she's of age, I'm putting her in a home.-Brennan Huff

Male Therapist: Tell me a little about yourself.
Dale Doback: Well, I am a janitor at a college. Most people think I am dumb but I can look at a math equation and solve it immediately.
Male Therapist: Is this Good Will Hunting?
Dale Doback: No
Male Therapist: It sounds awfully familiar to Good Will Hunting.
Dale Doback: Yeah... well anyways, my best friend is Ben Affleck.

Juno

You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events.-Juno MacGuff

THUNDERCATS ARE GO!-Juno MacGuff

Doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream.-Bren

I need to know that it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever.-Juno MacGuff

Notice I don't have any Twilight quotes? That's because I would put up every word in every book.

Funny random quotes

Toni reads Sam a quote form Dumbledore about Cedric Diggory.
Sam: That's a great quote
Toni: It belongs on a banner or something
Sam: It belongs on a FanFic profile
Toni: It belongs in a taco shell
Sam: Wth?!

Toni twirls screwdriver on Sam's arm.
Sam: What are you doing?
Toni: I'm screwing you xD

Yayla: Sam, there's lint on your shirt.
Sam:Uh huh.
Yayla: But you don't have any cats.
Sam:...Cats shed hair. Not lint.

Sam: Hey Toni, what's one ship that will never sink?
Toni: Umm..I don't know?
Sam:Think. We both have it...
Toni:Gas?
Sam:After I'm done hyperventilating from laughter.Toni! Try friendship?

Z: My mama always said I'm not the sharpest knife in the...umm...knife thing.

Toni farts
Sam: Sheesh, that sounds like one you have to force out with the freakin jaws of life.

Toni draws an arch with many holes in it.
Toni:Be honest, how does it look?
Lupa:It looks holy. No one really knows why this was funny, but it was. Even Dan was laughing.

Sam:Have you ever been in a talent show?
Z:Yes a few years ago. I farted the abc's but got disqualified when I tried to do the 'next time won't you sing with me' part and I shit my pants.

If you have a true friend, copy and paste this into your profile
No boy is worth crying for, and the one that is won't make you cry. If you agree, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you're a proud stalker and obsessed love-struck girl of Edward Anthony Mason Cullen, copy this into your profile.
If you hate those obnoxious snobby people copy and paste this into your profile
If you've ever been called weird because you typed OMC instead of OMG copy and paste this into your profile
If whenever you see or hear the brand "Volvo" you freak out and start giggling uncontrollably and then people stare at you funny copy and paste this onto your profile
I find "good morning" contradictory
I think I could be madly in like with you
When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back
Friends will always be like "well, you deserve better", but best friends will prank call him whispering "seven days..."
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Some day we'll look back on this, and plow into a parked car.
A friend helps you when you fall; a best friend says "Walk much, dumbass?"
A friend gives you their umbrella when it rains; a best friend takes your's and says "RUN!"
A friend wipes your tears when you're rejected; a best friend walks up to him and says "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"
A friend will bail you out of jail; a best friend will be in the room next to you saying "THAT WAS AWESOME, LETS DO IT AGAIN!!
A good friend helps you when you fall. A best friend laughs and trips you again.
We're best friends. You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You hurt, I hurt. You jump off a brdge, damn, I'm gonna miss your dumb ass.
~ Follow your dreams. Except for that one where you're naked at work...
~ They call it PMS because "Mad cow disease" was already taken.
~ The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
~ Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
~ Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
~ Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
~ What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I've seen some pretty weird pairings in my days. These have to be the ones that caused me to smack myself in the face and scream 'WHAT?!'

BellaxEmbry...Never ever ever in a million years. Come on. -.-
+BellaxCarlisle...Gross! I mean, I would totally do Dr. McSparkly in a second...but Bella has EDWARD
+BellaxEmmett...Normally in these Edward ends up falling in love with Rosalie, therefore leaving Emmett for Bella. No. That would be like dating your brother. GROSS
+BellaxCharlie...My friend told me about this one. Why the hell would you date your father? You wouldn't. Eww, My dad's mustache would annoy the crap out of me x
+EdwardxJacob...Are you fkin kidding me? Honestly? No. Simply put NEVER
+BellaxOC...Why add other character? Okay, that's a little hypocritical seeing how I have Z and Toni. But it's not like Bella's ever going to end up with Z. Sheesh.
+CarlislexEdward...Again the wole dating your father thing. Not only that but why make Edward gay? Okay, maybe Carlisle's appealing enough to make you gay as is Edward but...no
+NessiexOC...Jacob imprinted on her. Why would she date anyone else? As long as Jake and Nessie end up together in the end, then it's fine.
+BellaxMike...Kay so I was just reading a fanfic about Bella and Mike. But she ended up with Edward. Other than that, that's cruel.
+BellaxJames...Wtf?! Have you READ the damn book? He was trying to KILL her. And you want her to end up with him?? Sheesh.
+EdwardxLauren\Jessica...NO NO NO NO. He can do much much better.

I understand Fanfiction is an outlet for creativity and imagination or whatever. But let's be SOMEWHAT reasonable. Bella and Carlisle? Edward and Carlisle? That's despicable

And while we are on the subject of ridiculous, how about I heard that someone thought Edward was Bella's cat...CAT?! Idiots! Try actually READING Twilight. Gawsh.

END RANT

VALENTINES DAY:

This is a super-ficial holiday. Why? It was originally the celebration of a Saint after his death. So, how did it get changed into a love holiday? The Government. They make money off Valentines Day. How so? Taxes. Even though our economy is plumetting, couples still manage to get eachother things. Taxes from that go to the Government. Now, this is somewhat of a good thing. But, that still doesn't change the fact that this holiday was totally made up and fake! I may sound like a bitter lonely chick; truth be told, I'm just a very opinionated fourteen year-old. I don't care about finding 'love'. I don't really believe in it at fourteen. It doesn't last in highschool. Therefore, I don't go out looking for it. Why do I care about the faux holiday then? Because I think it's wrong that while trying to celebrate the life of someone, a holiday in which no one knows about the origin was created. Therefore, you can't pay respects to that person. What's next? 'Bring-your-child-to-work Day on Martin Luther King Jr. Day? It's disgraceful. I respect that everyone has their own opinions, and if you PM me or whatever contributing your thoughts, I will consider it. I, however, will NOT stand for flaming comments. Thanks for reading another one of my rants=

A little off topic but, Paperplanes by M.I.A.. Disgrace to music and should be pulled off the air, or musical genious tellign the story of foreign stereotypes? I persoanlly think it's a disgrace.=

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Fighting Temptation by Dobber17 reviews
Classmates Bella, Edward, Mike, and Tyler are invited to a basketball clinic in Seattle for 2 weeks. Bella is sharing a hotel room with the guys. What happens? Truth or dare, streaking, injuries, jealousy, and a growing attraction between Edward and Bella. AH.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 26 - Words: 73,441 - Reviews: 3256 - Favs: 2,062 - Follows: 1,250 - Updated: 4/29/2011 - Published: 3/14/2008 - Complete
Mending a Family by Doctor2Be reviews
Bella and Edward are single parents. What happens when they meet each other? Can they mend each others families? Canon couples. BXE AXJ EmXR Read and Review! Rewrite!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Family - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3,619 - Reviews: 409 - Favs: 160 - Follows: 217 - Updated: 10/3/2010 - Published: 8/31/2008 - Bella, Edward
I Don't Know You, But I Think I Love You by TwilightSagaLover543 reviews
Edward is the conceited football quarterback, while Bella is the smart, pretty girl. But the thing is - they hate each other. when the school sets up a PEN PALS website, and some interesting people get paired up, what will happen? BXE
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 18 - Words: 42,983 - Reviews: 1695 - Favs: 808 - Follows: 883 - Updated: 8/31/2010 - Published: 10/28/2008 - Bella, Edward
My Big Mister Perfect by MalyssaQuark reviews
Bella was involved in a horrible crime, which left her with a surprise. She went to Forks to get a fresh start, but unexpected happenings bring her back to Arizona for a few days. How will Forks react to the surprise that Bella Swan brings? AH, AU,
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 10 - Words: 21,257 - Reviews: 91 - Favs: 78 - Follows: 113 - Updated: 8/14/2010 - Published: 9/19/2008 - Bella, Emmett
My Little Loch Nessie Monster by It'll Be Anarchy reviews
Straight after Breaking Dawn. Nessie and Jacob have been the best of friends but what happens when she begins to grow up goes to high school and gets a boyfriend. Will Bella tell her about Jacob's imprint? Renesmee and Jacob - Please R&R NEW CHAPTER IS UP
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 39 - Words: 96,708 - Reviews: 677 - Favs: 310 - Follows: 182 - Updated: 1/15/2010 - Published: 8/7/2008 - Jacob, Renesmee C./Nessie - Complete
I Wanna Be by vamploverrr reviews
Bella and Edward have been friends since high school. What happens when Bella stumbles upon something she wasn't supposed to see? Can they go back to the way they were? AH, slightly OOC. Rated M for future lemons.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 27 - Words: 62,988 - Reviews: 675 - Favs: 428 - Follows: 565 - Updated: 9/10/2009 - Published: 10/7/2008 - Bella, Edward
Making Love Out Of Nothing At All by ashel-13 reviews
Edward thought of Bella as just a friend, but Bella always felt more.That was 3 years ago and now she's ready to make Edward Cullen fall in love with her and make this the best summer of her life. All Human OOC Lemons Gall-lore! WARNING: NC-17
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 77 - Words: 291,632 - Reviews: 11626 - Favs: 8,548 - Follows: 2,578 - Updated: 5/22/2009 - Published: 2/8/2008 - Edward, Bella - Complete
I Know What Love Is by Poo2110 reviews
Bella and Alice are small town girls from Forks, moving in with their cousins in Phoenix. What does the big city have in store for them? Chapter 12 now up! Normal pairings, all human.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 12 - Words: 18,409 - Reviews: 100 - Favs: 30 - Follows: 52 - Updated: 5/7/2009 - Published: 11/8/2008 - Bella, Edward
A Beautiful Lie by Brindalyn reviews
They were childhood friends who's destiny pulled them apart. He became a star and she raised his son, a son he knew nothing about. A son she hid from him to allow him to live out his dream. A beautiful lie. All Human. Bella/Edward. Usual Pairings.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 42 - Words: 143,559 - Reviews: 2717 - Favs: 3,158 - Follows: 1,227 - Updated: 3/20/2009 - Published: 10/19/2008 - Edward - Complete
Soldier Baby by TheSimplestMelody reviews
What happens when Edward leaves to go fight for his country and leaves Bella with a secret? Will he find out beofore it's to late? R&R ALL HUMAN OOC! Rated T for possible language. DISCLAIMER: STEPHENIE MEYER OWNS ALL... I JUST TWISTED THE STORY
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Family/Friendship - Chapters: 20 - Words: 22,803 - Reviews: 131 - Favs: 99 - Follows: 86 - Updated: 3/11/2009 - Published: 10/13/2008 - Edward, Bella
Learning To Fall by A Kind Kiss reviews
Leaving her past, Bella moves to Forks one summer and finds that her father has turned the house into a boarding house! There she meets five extraordinary people, including one boy who makes the unexpected happen. AU, All Human. Full Summary Inside.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 22 - Words: 103,648 - Reviews: 638 - Favs: 575 - Follows: 341 - Updated: 2/13/2009 - Published: 4/19/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Strange Happenings In The Town of Forks by TeamJempwarth reviews
The crazy things that the Cullens, Bella, and other characters do in the small town of Forks. Completely OOC. Funny though. Rated T for crude humor. :3
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Humor - Chapters: 29 - Words: 21,479 - Reviews: 108 - Favs: 33 - Follows: 19 - Updated: 1/13/2009 - Published: 5/23/2008
Goodbye by Oxygen.and.Cucumber reviews
For seven years I watched and waited. But there was only so much that I could put my heart through, and the night I finally told him, was the night I let him go. AH/AU.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,368 - Reviews: 2516 - Favs: 761 - Follows: 481 - Updated: 1/8/2009 - Published: 5/5/2008 - Jacob, Leah - Complete
Finding True Love by ChelbellCullen reviews
Bella Swan is a twenty year old college girl. When she goes home for summer break to the Cullens, were she fell in love with Edward Cullen a long time ago. But Edwards back...things can only get better, right? All Human
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 47 - Words: 86,378 - Reviews: 439 - Favs: 397 - Follows: 245 - Updated: 12/28/2008 - Published: 7/31/2008 - Edward, Bella - Complete
A Twist In My Story by ThePurpleDragonOfAmazingness reviews
All Human. BxE Bella is having a really bad day. When she meets Edward, he seems to fix all that. They keep running into each other, and there experiences bring them closer together. Will they end up being more than friends? **ON HOLD**
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 23,560 - Reviews: 76 - Favs: 20 - Follows: 34 - Updated: 12/22/2008 - Published: 10/26/2008 - Edward, Bella
Remember me? by Anything's-possible reviews
After 5 years apart, 6 best friends are re-united. What feelings will be revealed when they are forced to live together at basketball camp for 6 months? BXE, AXJ, EMXR...first story:
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 11 - Words: 18,068 - Reviews: 89 - Favs: 48 - Follows: 69 - Updated: 12/12/2008 - Published: 8/22/2008
The Christmas Wish by monocracy reviews
Edward makes a wish without realizing the consequences and has a Christmas he will never forget. A seasonal romantic comedy that features Edward, Bella, and the rest of the Forks' crew. Pre-Breaking Dawn.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 7 - Words: 26,590 - Reviews: 130 - Favs: 75 - Follows: 92 - Updated: 12/4/2008 - Published: 11/17/2007
The Phases of the Moon by Aces17 reviews
All Human. BXE. Bella is in a happy relationship with lifelong friend, Jake. He soon turns abusive, and she's afraid to leave. What happens when a strange bronze-haired boy moves in next door and sweeps her off her feet?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 27 - Words: 57,817 - Reviews: 659 - Favs: 445 - Follows: 195 - Updated: 10/28/2008 - Published: 6/2/2008 - Complete
Snow Angel A Cullen Christmas Story by WinndSinger reviews
It is Edward's and Bella's 1st Christmas together. Both are determined to show the other the best holiday ever, in their own separate ways. Lots of fun, also, as the rest of the Cullens join in on the plans.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3,794 - Reviews: 20 - Favs: 24 - Follows: 25 - Published: 10/27/2008 - Edward, Bella
Christmas With The Cullens by CullenLoverkate reviews
I know it's not Christmas but i thought i'd do a story on it anyway i'll contiue with it and make the Cullens go to School again, All Vampire/After Bella's change, Bella and Edward will stay together! Review!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Supernatural - Chapters: 7 - Words: 5,321 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 5/30/2008 - Published: 4/18/2008
Bella's First Christmas with the Cullen's by Werewolvesrock reviews
Bella and Edward share there first christmas what are they going to do?
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Romance - Chapters: 9 - Words: 9,191 - Reviews: 46 - Favs: 24 - Follows: 20 - Updated: 5/10/2008 - Published: 1/3/2008 - Complete
Falling Up by Xo-SARCASTIC-oX reviews
When you've got a Guy that gets everything,a Girl who's utterly stubborn,who both have problems brewing beneath the surface Throw in the dangerous,intimidating jungle that's high school,and it becomes a whole lot harder for opposites to attract.1000review
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 17 - Words: 69,672 - Reviews: 1302 - Favs: 627 - Follows: 710 - Updated: 4/26/2008 - Published: 6/16/2007
One Christmas Day by Kindergartener-at-Heart reviews
Alice and Jasper dancing around the tree, Rosalie addicted to her own reflection, Emmett heartfelt from songs, Carlisle high on eggnog, Esme: a decoration fanatic, and Edward paranoid. This is one Christmas Bella won't forget!
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,007 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 16 - Follows: 4 - Published: 12/25/2007 - Complete
Echoes by Angel Ren reviews
The only Christmas to pass in Forks was right in the middle of New Moon. What happened on December 25th? How did Charlie help Bella cope with the sheer agony surrounding Edward's disappearance? Angst oneshot. Critiques adored.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Angst/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,240 - Reviews: 45 - Favs: 51 - Follows: 5 - Published: 12/17/2007 - Bella, Charlie S. - Complete
How can this work? reviews
Bella is madly in love with Edward. But he's got Tanya to fulfill his life.Will they ever end up together? And if they do, will their family ties get in the way? All human, rated T to be safe and there are barely any added characters. Enjoy!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 36 - Words: 24,840 - Reviews: 104 - Favs: 21 - Follows: 25 - Updated: 8/22/2009 - Published: 11/7/2008