Author has written 2 stories for Twilight, and Bleach.
Hello everybody! You can call me Tess (no, that is not my real name).
OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. When caught sleeping at school/work/wherever you are not supposed to be sleeping, and you are woken up, shout, "AMEN!"
5.Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6.In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Marijuana
7.Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.
9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. (Have actually done this. For the next two weeks I was known as "The Skipping Girl with the Hair." Not even joking.)
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
20 And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity .
Copy and Paste this To Make People who read bios Smile.
For me, crazy is a loose term.
Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you what you are doing that is so interesting about the eraser.
Crazy is when you have an hour-long sob fest, and then start singing and dancing when your favorite song comes on.
Crazy is when you do or say a completely random thing, like "Do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or having a thumb war with yourself.
Crazy is when you type up all your favorite sayings, print them off and tape them to your wall, just for something to do.
Crazy is when you memorize the complete biographies and physical traits of every character in Twilight (or almost, at least).
Crazy is when you act completely well crazy and make a total fool of yourself and not even care.
Crazy is when you dedicate your entire being(every cell in your body) to Twilight and fanfiction.
Crazy is when you go into build-a-bear workshop and walk up to little kids saying "That's my favorite bear" in a creepy voice and then run like heck when their soccer-moms glare at you.
Crazy is when you get jacked up on sugar on your school field trip to bush gardens, laugh for two hours striaght WHILE riding rollercoasters, then still laugh after you get slapped by your friends, and they pour a cold water on you, and you just stop suddenly, and when they asked why you laughed you say " I felt like it."
Crazy is when you get sugar high and jump on your trampoline yelling "Japeth" because the name intrigues you, while your relatives are there.
Crazy is when you laugh so hard that Fanta comes out your nose and then you scream "THE PAIN! THE PAIN OF IT ALL!"
Hugged your Christmas tree while humming 'Carol of the Bells'.
Walked for an hour in the snow, slipping and picking up snow at random places, wearing nothing but a t-shirt and a sweater with and pajama pants, went home, sat down and ate ice cream.
Crazy is when you stay up all night at an amusement park, buy two energy drinks, open both at the same time and start singing "I've Got Two Pina Coladas" as loud as you can.
If you're crazy, copy this onto your profile and add something crazy you've done to the list!
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I.
I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?!
I used up all my sick days so I called in dead.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
The Difference Between Friends and Best Friends
REMEMBER: A good friend gives you bail money when you're in jail - a best friend will be sitting next to you and saying "Man, that was fun!"
A good friend helps you up when you fall. A best friend laughs at you and trips you again.
If you get sent to jail, a friend will bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, "Darn we sure screwed up!"
A good friend will wipe your tears when you get rejected, but a best friend will prank call the boy and say, "You will die in seven days!"
"Real artificial bacon bits" Oh, yeah, I'm gonna go out and buy myself some real-fake bacon bits. Not just fake-fake, real-fake
Christmas lights: To be used for indoor or outdoor use only (as opposed to...?)
When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and punch the crap out of them.
Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history.
He who laughs last didn't get it.
The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.
Adults are just kids with money.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.
When life gives you lemons, make apple juice and let life wonder how the heck you did that.
Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
Don't follow in my footsteps... I walk into walls.
"Wal-Mart, do they, like, sell walls there?" - Paris Hilton.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, I’m just implying it.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door... (Though you could always glue a door stop to the floor... I wonder if anyone has tried this?)
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.
It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why the heck would I keep looking after I found it? (Though I have found things after a half hour of searching in the first place I looked, simply because my brain blocked their image the first time around.)
When life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!
I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes. (Like actually.)
Constipated people don't give a crap.
If you're going to criticize someone, first walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Last night, I was lying on my bed, staring up at the stars and wondering 'Where the heck is my roof?'
I want to do that thing when you put a map of the world on your wall and put pins in all the places you've been to. But first, I'll have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it doesn't fall down.
Ten percent of people in Britain believe that their food has a party when they shut the fridge door.
Why is rap so named? Because the'c' fell off at the printer.
Ever notice how you can say "you rock" but not "you rap"?
Music is like candy - you throw away the rappers.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
16 Things to do when you're in Wal-Mart!
1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's rest rooms.
3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,"'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.
4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.
10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look"
12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
15.Grab a lot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go!"
16. When you are at the cash paying, ask: "Can I have fries with that?"
A blonde girl is driving down the road when she spots another blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat.She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief, she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while.When she can't stand it any more, she calls out to the blonde in the field,'Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?'The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, 'Because it is an ocean of wheat.'
The blonde standing at the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field,
'It is dumb blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name.'
The blonde in the field just shrugs her shoulders and begins rowing again.
The blonde on the side of the road is beside herself and shakes her fist at the blonde in the field yelling,'If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your butt!"
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.The first blonde said, 'These look like deer tracks,'and the other one said,
'No they look like moose tracks.'
They argued and argued for a quite while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
One day this blonde calls her friend and says,'Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't even figure out how to start it.'
Her friend asks, 'What is it a puzzle of?'
The blonde says, 'From the picture on the box, it's a tiger.'
Well, the friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the pieces spread all over the table. He studies them for a moment, then studies the box.
He turns to her and says, 'Well, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.'
She asks, 'Oh, how come?'
He says, 'Look, never mind, let's just relax, have a cup of coffee and we'll put all these cornflakes back in the box.'
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
How do you drown a blonde?
How do you drown a blonde? (Version #2) Glue a mirror to the bottom of the pool.
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
Why don't blondes like making Kool Aide from sachets?
Did you bear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Why do blondes have 'TGIF' written on their shoes?
Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax?
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said 'Disneyland Left' so they turned around and went home.
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation.
After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies' room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, 'Welcome to the ladies' room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!'
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, 'I think I'm the most beautiful of us three' and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said, 'I think I'm the most talented of us three,' and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Jaguar in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, 'I think...' and was promptly sucked into the mirror. (Ha, my fave)
The police department, famous for its superior canine (K-9) unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident. Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
You Know You Live In 2008 When...
1. You accidently enter your password into your microwave
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years
3. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends are the don't have Aim, MySpace or a Live Journal
4. You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pressing the power button on the tv
6. Your evening activity is sitting at your computer
7. As you read this list you think about sending it to all of your friends
8. You read this list and keep nodding and smiling
9. You think about how stupid you are for reading this
10. You were too busy to notice number five
11. You actually scrolled back up to see if there even was a number five
12. And now your laughing at your stupidity
13. You now plan to put this on your profile cause you fell for it
I am an obsessive Grammar Fascist, engaged in a losing war against txt tlk. Join the fight!
_Harry Potter Jokes_
Some Neville Love
-Neville needs a Remembrall not because he has a poor memory, but merely because he accomplishes too much to remember.
Some Tips For Your First Year At Hogwarts
1) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball
16) I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room togther and bet on which House will come out alive
17) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
TRY NOT TO CRY:
This poem is to remember the students of Columbine, Virginia Tech, and all the other kids who were shot in school shootings and never got to say goodbye.
By reposting this in your bio, you are making sure they are never forgotten.
No guy is worth your tears & the ones who are won’t make you cry.
Find the guy that calls you beautiful instead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who'll lay under the stars for hours and listen to your heart beat.
Or will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy that kisses your forehead,
who keeps your picture in his wallet,
who wants to show you off to the world even when your in sweatpants,
who holds your hand in front of all his friends,
who thinks you're beautiful without makeup,
one who is constantly telling you of how much he cares and how he is lucky to have you,
THE one who turns to his friends and says THAT'S HER
If You . . .Then Copy This Into Your Profile!
98 percent of teenagers do & paste this in your profile.or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy this into your profile.
The "You no like, you no read" club: If you believe that people who don't like someone's story should simply not read it instead of posting cruel and hateful reviews, copy and paste this into your profile and add your name to the list:Alicia's Purple Velvet Purse, changelingchild, crimsonchidori, SasukeSakuraxXXxItachiSakura, cherryredblossom,BLOSSOMHEARTXOXO,CrUsHeD CaNdY kIsSeS,fairy246, The.One.And.Onlii.Bethii, Sister to the Dark Lord,crystal-darkness-331, Eternal Love's Eclipse
If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile, and add your name to this list: danyan, Zutara Lover, Black'n'red'Butterfly, Enrica(real name)(i always change my penname)(tehehehe) PurpleBunniesWillRuleTheWorld, Roxxi-and-Ali, IsabellaMarieSwan123, Paper Hearts and Paper Cuts, mahalo4ursupport, Kuro Uchiha, Sacra Nox,kagome yuna's daughter, Justified Assasin, Haruka-Hime, AngelWolfDestiny9090, TheOneThatIsAddictedToHPfics, SocialMisfitNumber86, crystal-darkness-331, Eternal Love's Eclipse
Nerds are cool. Nerds are smart. Nerds will one day rule the universe. If you're a nerd and proud of it, copy this into your profile.
If you think that Writer's Block blows (sucks), copy and paste this into your profile.
A large percent of writers don't know the difference between "your" and "you're". If you're one of the ones who does know and wants to slug them, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever read past two in the morning, copy this onto your profile.
If, with no warning, you have laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, put this in your profile
If you've ever forgotten the lyrics to a song that 3-year-olds sing, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile.
If you are a chocoholic copy this into your profile
If you've ever spoken in a foreign accent without intending to, copy and paste this into your profile