Hello, people on planet Earth!
Or, if you're not from Earth, then...where the hell are you?!
Well, what should I do now?
Uhh, some things about me...let me see here...
Name: Call me Ayame! :3 You know, the one from Fruits Basket? Ayame Sohma!! :D Yup :D I'm him ;D
What I Like: Listen to good music (Rock/Japanese/lots of genres), Video Games, Anime/Manga of course, hanging with friends and such, 4-H, and other stuff.
Favorite Color(s): Black/Red/Green
And here are just some random things that I like.
Anime/Manga: Well, I like a lot of anime/manga so I don't really feel the need to post every single one because the list gets bigger everyday!
My friend found all of these awesome sayings on fanfiction! And I felt the need to pass them on as well. :D
When the first man discovered that cows have milk...what do you think he was doing?
It's mind over matter I don't mind cause you don't matter.
Just 'cause I'm standin' here doesn't mean I'm listening
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how in seven hells you did it
Death is life’s way of saying you’ve been fired
Stupid kills, unfortunately not fast enough
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public
Everyday I think people can't get any stupider. Everyday I'm proven horribly wrong
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
A good friend will keep you secrets when you ask them too. A true friend will keep their mouths shut without you asking them
There's nothing that can't be fixed with: duct tape, chocolate, or by running it over
A friend trys to help you when you get hurt, a true friends sits there laughing their ass off saying, 'Dude, you're an idiot!'
A friend helps you up when you fall a best friend continues walking while saying, "Walk much dumbass?"
I subscribe to the concept that everything can die
When I have a kid I'm gonna put him in one of those strollers for twins and then run around the mall looking frantic.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
Don't upset me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Sex on TV is not dangerous, unless you fall off
Sometimes it just helps to be upside-down.
When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them on the head.
I get plenty of exercise: jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
Save a tree, eat a beaver.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Reason to smile: every seven minutes of every day, someone in aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Don’t drink and drive… you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident?
Who was the first person to look at a chicken and say "See that chicken over there... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out of its butt?
When the first man found that cows have milk, what do you think he was doing?
"Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss."—Hitch hikers guide to the galaxy
It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty... drink it and get on with your life.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
Faster than a rabid squirrel on coffee
Life isn't like a Burger King, you can't always have it your way.
Despite the rising costs of living, it remains a popular activity.
Where in the nursery rhymes does it say Humpty Dumpty was an egg?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an 's' in it?
I love to give home-made gifts: So, which of the children do you want?
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - - Robin Williams
Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer. - - David Acfield
This game (Marco Polo) takes its name from a great Italian explorer who was famous for making discoveries by aimlessly wading around in thigh-level water with his eyes closed, wildly clutching at the air and calling out his own first name. Perhaps his most important discovery was made when he finally opened his eyes and discovered that he no longer had any friends. - - Dean Camp
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
There are three types of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics. - - Mark Twain
They say every 1 in 5 people is Chinese. There are five people in my family. Mom, dad, me, Tom, and Kong Shen Heng. I think its Tom.
Last night I was lying in bed, looking at the stars. Then I wondered, WHERE THE HELL IS MY CEILING?
Drive it like you stole it!
I tried to sniff coke...but the ice cubes got stuck up my nose...
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy
I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I'm on my last one!
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a pack...Coincidence? I think not...
Caution: I drive like you do!
If it's tourist season then why can't we shoot them?
Whoever said nothing was impossible has obviously never tried slamming a revolving door
Don’t worry, it’s just blood.
We’re not lost. I’m just not quite sure where we are.
- but on the other hand, I have different fingers
Meddle ye not in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and good with ketchup.
Lead me not into temptation... I can find it myself.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'
I didn’t escape from the mental ward! Those sirens are a complete coincidence!
You have the emotional capacity of this stapler
"I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
"I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize."
"Borrow money from pessimists... they don’t expect it back."
I suffer from STRESS: a condition that derives from the neglected need to strangle an idiot that desperately deserves it.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs built the ark, Professionals built the Titanic.
You really shouldn't let your mind wander like that...It's too small to be out on it's own.
Get out of my way; sleep walking in progress.
If every time you hear the word rum, you automatically think of Captain Jack Sparrow, copy and paste this into your profile!
You're a 90's kid if:
You remember watching Doug, Ren & Stimpy, Pinky and the Brain, Bobby's World, Felix the cat, The Tick, and AAAAAAAH Real Monsters!
You just cant resist finishing this . . . "Iiiiiiin west Philadelphia born and raised . . ."
You remember TGIF, Step by Step, Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Boy Meets World.
You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
You remember reading "Goosebumps".
When everything was settled by Rock, Paper, Scissors...or Bubble Gum, Bubble Gum, in a dish...or Eeny Meeny Miney Mo...
You remember watching The Magic School Bus, Wishbone, and Reading Rainbow on PBS.
You remember when Yo-Yos were cool.
You remember those Where's Waldo books.
You remember eating Warheads.
You remember Ring Pops.
When they made the new lunchables so that you could make pizza AND tacos.
You remember Furbies.
Saved By The Bell was the coolest show ever! (NOTE: Saved By The Bell still IS the coolest show ever!)
You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet.
You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers, and Ninja Turtles.
You remember Care Bears.
Silver dollars, which were cool to have.
You remember wanting to sit on the orange Nickelodeon couch.
You know the Macarena by heart.
"Talk to the hand" . . . enough said
You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"
You remember Highlight's magazine.
You went to McDonald's to play in the playplace.
Before the MySpace frenzy . . .
Before the Internet & text messaging . . .
Before Sidekicks & iPods . . .
Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX . . .
Before Spongebob .
When light up sneakers were cool.
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs.
Before we realized all this would eventually disappear.
Who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!
Post this in your profile if you remember these days . . . or if you smiled at one of these things.
The Laws of Anime Version 6.0
Originally compiled and edited by Darrin Bright and Ryan Shellito
#1. Law of Metaphysical Irregularity
The normal laws of physics do not apply.
#2. Law of Differentiated Gravitation
Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.
#3. Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics
In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.
#4. Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion
In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.
#5. Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion
The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.
#6. Law of Temporal Variability
Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.
#7. First Law of Temporal Mortality
'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways. Either so quick they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.
#8. Second Law of Temporal Mortality
It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.
#9. Law of Dramatic Emphasis
Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).
#10, Law of Dramatic Multiplicity
Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.
#11. Law of Inherent Combustability
Everything explodes. Everything.
First Corollary - Anything that explodes bulges first.
Second Corollary - Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".
#12. Law of Phlogistatic Emission
Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.
#13. Law of Energetic Emission
There is alway an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy 'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustability.
#14. Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude
The destructive potential of a weapon is inversly proportional to its size.
First Corollary - Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also know as the A-Ko phenomenon.
#15. Law of Inexhaustability
No one EVER runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.
#16. Law of Inverse Accuracy
The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the 'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect)
Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.
First Corollary - The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
Third Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvres.
#17. Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability
Minmei is a bimbo.
#18. Law of Hemoglobin Capacity
The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.
#19. Law of Demonic Consistency
Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown (but black is not unknown), and can only be hurt by bladed weapons.
#20. Law of Militaristic Unreliability
Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war-machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.
#21. Law of Tactical Unreliability
Tactical geniuses aren't...
#22. Law of Inconsequential Undetectability
People never notice the little things... Like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.
#23. Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.
#24. Law of Americanthropomorphism
Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles, either as a really nasty skinny 'Bad Guy' or a big stupid 'Good Guy'.
First Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect.)
Second Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.
#25. Law of Mandibular Proportionality
The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.
#26. Law of Feline Mutation
Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
a) be female
b) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation
c)and wear as little clothing as possible, if any.
#27. Law of Conservation of Firepower
Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.
#28. Law of Technological User-Benevolence
The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.
#29. Law of Melee Luminescence
Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.
#30. Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism
All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.
#31. Law of Follicular Chroma Variability
Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.
#32. Law of Follicular Permanence
Hair in anime is pretty much indestructable, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone's hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!
#33. Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics
ANY shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.
#34. Law of Probable Attire
Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.
--Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off the afore-mentioned female's clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene).
--Whenever there is a headwind, a Male characters will invariably wear a long cloak which doesn't hamper movement and billows out dramatically behind him.
First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability) - All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability) - Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.
#35. Law of Musical Omnipotence
Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more "simple" things like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on... especially if they have never attempted these things before.
#36. Law of Quitupular Aggultination
Also called "The Five-man Rule," when "Good Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic positions, which are:
a) The Hero/Leader
b) His girlfriend
c) His Best Friend/Rival
d) A Hulking Brute
e) A Dwarf/Kid
Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:
#37. Law of Extradimensional Capacitance
All anime females have an extradimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment's notice.
First Corollary (The Hammer Rule) - The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, which can be used with unerring accuracy on any male who deserves it. Other common items include costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.
#38. Law of Hydrostatic Emission
Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.
#39. Law of Inverse Attraction
Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you get.
First Corollary Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real world...
#40. Law of Nasal Sanguination
When sexually aroused, males in Anime don't get erections, they get nosebleeds. No one's sure why this is, though... the current theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see Law #38 above). Females don't get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.
#41. Law of Xylolaceration
Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not sharper.
#42. Law of Juvenile Omnipotence
Always send a boy to do a man's job. He'll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.
#43. Law of Quadrotriscadecophobia
There is no Law #43.
#44. Law of Nominative Clamovocation
The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced.
#45. Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis
Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they've seen it before, any 'Bad Guys' witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it.
#46. Law of Flimsy Incognition
Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.
#47- Law of Mandibular Combustible Emission- All anime characters seem to have some
unknown chemical on their breath that reacts VERY violently with extremely hot or
spicy food. This chemical may also be responsible for the phenomenon of fire behind
the eyes and from the mouth when a character (usually a female) is really angry.
#48- Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism- If you get electrocuted or
burned, YOU WILL SURVIVE!! Though your entire body will be scorched, seconds later,
your skin won’t have a trace of damage (Also known as the "Pikachu Effect").
First Corollary- When a magical bad guy/Alien/monster fires off a flame,
wind, or ice attack, the resulting effect is only enough for the hero(es)/heroine(s)
to be standing in the "Walking Against the Wind" stance, with his/her eyes shut and
letting out a pathetic "Aaaaagh!", and yet they are never harmed. This may be in
part to laws 32, 34 and sometimes 44.
#49- Law of Female wrath- If a male character insults a female character, he will
get a mallet, shotgun, or tank blast, or if she is a character that can perform
magical feats, a fireball or whatever, to the head, body or whatever (Also known as
the "Lina Inverse/Gourry Factor") This is because he always deserves it, and will
help him to cope in today’s society. (>Sniff Sniff
#50- Law of Artistic Perversion- Most (not all) Anime artists are perverts and are
under the impression that girls are willing to tear off their clothes, or wear VERY
small, revealing outfits at the drop of a pin (or pen for that matter).
Unfortunately, most Hentai fans are under the same impression.
#51- Law of Uninteruptable Nominative Clamovocation- This law is a mixture of Laws
44 and 45. Regardless of how long or involved the Spell or projectile attack is, and
the likelihood of success and damage done by the volume at which the full name of
the attack is announced, or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys"
witnessing a hero/heroine quoting the incantations for an extremely powerful attack
are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it. (Also known as the "Dragon Slave
52- Law of Telepathic Obliviousness- Most of the time, some Anime characters
(usually males) will think personal (Like that he/she has sabotaged something), or
perverted thoughts, while near some other character, WHO’S TELEPATHIC!! The reasons
for this are:
1) They forgot that the person is telepathic.
2) They just don’t give a damn.
The reasons the telepathic person doesn’t react are:
1) They’re preoccupied with doing something else.
2) They’d rather keep the fact to themselves that they are Telepathic.
3) They just don’t give a damn.
#53- Law of Chromatic Diversity- Air can be any color of the viewable spectrum.
#54- Law of Old Man Comic Relief- Comic relief comes in the form of a short, bald,
wise-mouthed dirty old man or alien. Or the combination of any two of those traits.
First Corollary- If old man is present, and is acting too horny, stupid,
etc., there will invariably be an old woman to whap him over the head with a frying
pan or something.
#55- Law of the Wise Old Man- Little old Japanese men always know how it ends and
withhold the ending from anyone, especially the hero. This includes special power
weapons, ancient relics, and people who know everything.
#56- Law of Omnipotent Unreliability- Any "Bad Guy" with Omnipotent powers/weapons
will never use those powers/weapons against the "Good Guy" until it is too late.
First Corollary- All "Bad Guys" suffer from Antagonistic Boasting Syndrome
which require all "Bad Guys" to threaten with or exemplify their prowess and not use
it against the "Good Guy".
Second Corollary- No "Bad Guy" may use any new, secret, or superior military
device without one of the following events occurring:
a) The control device being broken.
The control device being taken by the "Good Guy".
c) The control device is in fact not the real device at all and was just
"fooled" by the "Good Guy".
d) The "Bad Guy" has already lost and cannot use the device.
#57- Law of Minimum Corneal Volume- Eyeballs may make up no less than one sixth of
the face’s total surface area. More so if the case is a blonde woman.
#58- Law of Electrical Charges in Hair- Hair attracts electricity in abundance,
resulting in two outcomes:
a) A positive charge will result in the spikes-flying-everywhere-behind-me
A negative charge will result in the
#59- Law of Ammunition Accuracy- When there are multiple types of ammunition
available (paintballs, speaker pods), non-lethal rounds will always be more accurate
when compared to "standard" or lethal shots. (Macross Plus for paintballs, Macross 7
for speaker pods)
#60- Law of Active Female Attraction- In a comedy series, a male character’s
attractiveness to women is inversely proportional to how active they pursue them.
(Tenchi, Ranma, and Makoto OVA have a seemingly endless supply of willing
girlfriends despite their lack of romantic skill while Happosai, Ataru, and Carrot
couldn’t get a date despite or because of their constant attempts.)
#61- Law of Sweat Pore Variability- When a person is embarrassed, caught in an
awkward situation, or otherwise humiliated, all sweat pores on the body contract,
except for ones on the forehead. These pores expand to such a degree that a single
drop could fill a Big Gulp from 7-11.
#62- The Law of Inverse Training Time- A person who has been training for 3 years
is never as good as someone who has been training for one month.
#63- Law of Needs to Few and Many- The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the
few... of even the one.
#64- Law of Bad Humor- Whenever someone says something that is intended to be
funny, whether actually funny or not, the rest of the characters (even animals) fall
to the ground with their feet in the air. Sweat sometimes accompanies the fall.
(The sound of a cow mooing usually accompanies the joke as well.)
#65- Law of Extreme Anger- Whenever a female character gets mad, such as seeing the
male character with another girl, she becomes extremely strong (despite her usually
helpless look) so that she can lift a 1000 ton object to hurt the guy. She can
sometimes perform other punishments that are just as cruel such as pinching the
guy’s face so hard that it changes shape. (see law #49)
#66- Law of Differentiated Gravitation-
First Corollary- If the airborne entity exceeds an altitude equal or greater
than two times the height of the entity, gravity is decreased by an inverse
coefficient relative to the upward momentum and mass/weight (if within at least
500 km of any gravity source) of the entity "jumping".
Second Corollary- The amount of Newtonian "opposite force" (in accordance to
normal downward velocity; "Earth gravity" speed is equal to 32ft/sec/sec) is also
inversely proportional to the "actual" speed of the airborne entity. In all
actuality, an entity that appears to be flying towards a solid concrete parking lot
from space will actually land, producing an opposite force of approximately 1.73 lb.
of pressure. Unless this particular entity is a "Bad Guy". Then the law exhibits a
mysterious exponentially proportional Newtonian opposite force, thusly increasing
this variable by a factor equal to the inverse-gravity potential.
#67- Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the
Ambient Dramatic Tension increases, the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient must be
increased by a proportional amount to compensate. In any situation where this does
not happen, the "Bad Guy" inevitably comes out on top. However, this usually leads
to a further rise in the Ambient Dramatic tension, which will always be offset by
an exponential increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient.
#68- Law of Coercive Vehicular Control- No matter how complex or well defined the
control system, a character controlling a vehicle of any sort always does so through
means of undetectable subconscious psychokinesis.
First Corollary- Characters can perform actions with their vehicles which
clearly defy normal physics (see Laws of Metaphysical Irregularity and Constant
Thrust). The velocity, attitude and traction of the vehicle appear to be adjusted at
will, with the degree of absolute control being proportional to the complexity and
lethality of the maneuver.
Second Corollary- It is effectively impossible to remove characters from or
disrupt the passage of their vehicles without the character’s consent. This does not
always apply to "Bad Guy" characters, or "Good Guy" characters in situations where
the Ambient Dramatic Tension could increase in accordance with the Law of
Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension.
#69- Amendment to the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any
situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases without a corresponding
increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient, not only does the "Bad Guy" usually
come out on top, but also his Smugness Factor increases in proportion to the rise in
Ambient Dramatic Tension.
#70- Law of The Rushing Background Effect- Whenever something dramatic occurs, a
survival instinct engages, thus rendering all incoming stimulus that is not directly
and immediately to the dramatic situation at hand a meaningless blur. This is often
referred to as "The Rushing Background Effect". Due to the increase in brain
activity and adrenaline levels in the bloodstream, the scene is often played out in
#71- Law of Interdimensional Hammers- Whenever a female character witnesses a male
character of her preference performing any sort of questionable act (i.e. Looking at
another girl or anything she might construe as perverted) she can reach into an
interdimensional realm (usually behind her back) and withdraw a huge Anime Mallet of
Doom with which to whack the said male over the head with. (see Laws # 37, 49, and
#72- Law of Instant Band-Aids- Whenever a character is injured (usually in a head
shot, maybe from a mallet whack) Band-Aids will always instantly appear on the
wounded individual (and always in pairs, set in a cross fashion). These bandages
will then, most likely, disappear by the character’s next scene.
#73- Law of Universal Edge Defense- Any projectile attack, from a blast of magic to
a hail of bullets, can be easily defended against by holding a suitably cool-looking
sword or other bladed weapon between the attacker and defender, usually so that the
edge cuts into the incoming attack(s), causing both halves to go flying harmlessly
past the defender. Observed most often in fantasy and martial arts anime.
#74- Law of Intractable Sanity- There is no such thing as insanity in anime. When
faced with horrifying supernatural forces that would drive most men mad, anime
characters will either:
a) Die quickly (but in accordance with all other laws e.g., slowdown and
Get possessed by them, especially if they are beautiful girls or men in a
position to ravish beautiful girls, or
c) Kill them, wipe the blood off their blades, and walk on whistling.
#75- Law of Celestial Body Control- At a dramatically correct moment, a hero can
summon a sun/moon/halo to appear behind him/her to cause a dramatic silhouette.
#76- Law of Aura of Forgetfulness- Any hero who wishes his/her identity to remain a
secret will invariably succeed regardless of disguise because everyone around
him/her will forget everything. Otherwise, how does Sailor Moon keep her disguise?
#77- Law of Cool Hair Factor- The hair of a hero will always coalesce into thick
strands that drape his face into a dramatic fashion, regardless of wind, the
elements, etc. (see Laws 32 & 48)
#78- Law of Inverse Coping- Any single event will happen to the ONE character LEAST
capable of dealing with it.
#79- Law of Martial Arts Training Invulnerability- The Myth that certain martial
arts will enable you to become so strong, that you can stop a nuclear warhead with
your bare palm. Unfortunately, for most otaku, they found the hard way that it just
doesn’t work in real life...
#80- Law of Stereotype Captain characteristics- If a captain of any type of ship is
male, he will invariably wear a big captain’s cap, a long overcoat, and have a
shaggy beard and mustache (pipe optional), and be a great tactician. If the captain
is female, however, she will invariably be young, well endowed, and ditzy as a pole
(horny father optional). Yet, she too will be a great tactician.
#81- Law of Shades/Coolness Factor- Shades can make you instantly cool, even if
you’re normally a klutz.
#82- Law of Hentai Plot- The proper response to any change in the plotline of a
Hentai anime is to start having sex.
#83- Law of Understatement- Anything that is deemed too impossible will become
First Corollary- Any "Bad Guy" stating "T-that’s impossible!" whenever the
hero is accomplishing some new feat/move/projectile will find out too late that he
is wrong and will invariably be toasted.
#84- Law of Dormant Powers- Anytime a hero is somehow outpowered and/or outclassed
by the villain, he will invariably release powers/new moves he never knew he could
accomplish... but his old teacher did!
#85- Law of Style Coefficient- In a situation where a Good guy may be in dire
straits, he will become stronger, smarter and more cool in a matter of seconds. (see
Laws #67, 69, and 84)
#86- Law of Bad Guy Smugness Factor- Whenever the villain actually succeeds in
beating the hero, they will begin to gloat uncontrollably, because they’ve never won
against the "Good Guy" (because they’re Eeeviiil!!). They usually get so cocky, they
tie the hero to a conveyor belt leading to his doom and leave to get a snack.
Usually this results in:
a) The hero escaping.
b) Clean-up for the underlings.
c) The villain getting toasted.
#87- Law of Tableware Nonexistence- There IS no spoon.
#88- Law of Goofy Turn-Ons- In Hentai, ordinary , pedestrian objects sometimes have
the magical power of either inducing orgasm or arousal. Some include warm water,
rolling on a smooth tabletop, wind, mild electrocution, the character toweling
themselves after a bath/shower, and very cold objects... like bottles of 7-up.
#89- Law of Penile Variance- All Anime men in Hentai have a ridiculously large
penis (lengths of 8, 9, 10 and 11 inches are most common). Some even have ones the
size of telephone poles, despite the blood loss that would accompany it...
#90-Law of Hentai Female Characteristics- All Hentai women have the following
1) Very sensitive and/or very large breasts with large nipples.
2) Very tight and/or sensitive vaginas.
#91- Law of Vaginal Variance- Hentai Anime women can take penis lengths of 8" and
up... completely... despite the fact that they might have a tight and/or sensitive
#92- Law of Hero Identification- All heroes are introduced by way of appearance
while someone talking about their (in)famous-ness, or by way of a voice-over of them
#93- Law of Cute Mascots- Any anime either Shojo or Shonen has GOT to have at
least one cute, furry little mascot by penalty of death!
First Corollary- If it is a Shonen Anime, the hero will be accompanied by a
Dog, Cat or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the
male persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with girls that is following
him around is there because:
1) It’s his girlfriend’s.
2) It is following him, despite his insistence not to do so.
3) Chicks will dig him more.
Second Corollary- If it is a Shojo Anime, the heroine will be accompanied by
a cat, cute lil’ mouse, or some disgustingly cute monster, or any kind of animal,
real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the female persuasion. Any animal
that would be associated with guys that is following her around is there because:
1) It’s her boyfriend’s.
2) It is following her, despite her insistence not to do so.
3) It makes her look cool.
#94- Law of The Force- Most Anime heroes are blessed with a unique sort of ability
that enables bad things to happen to those that deserve it or makes things like
bullets or debris totally miss them (Also referred to as "Dumb Luck"), even though
they are mostly unaware of it. Those who have this ability include Vash the
Stampede, Captain Justy Ueki Tylor, and Jar Jar Binks.
#95- Law of Naughty Tentacles- All Anime Tentacles are VERY horny and will rape any
human female, regardless of age ("She’s 18! No! Really, she is! I’m not lying!...")
First Corollary- Even when raped or molested by tentacles, Hentai Anime
girls eventually get into it & begin squealing in ecstasy. NO one knows WHY this is,
but some theorize there may be some kind of chemical that is secreted through the
skin of the tentacle...
Second Corollary- Women who are impregnated by a tentacle creature never
experience morning sickness, and also find it to be intensely pleasurable (Also
known as the Goofy Meter Redline Effect).
Third Corollary- Similarly, the resulting... offspring of tentacle/human
relations is immediately sexually active, often impregnating its own mother again.
#96- Law of Cat-Fighting- Two females with a grudge can and will go at each other,
sometimes ripping off clothes. Sometimes it escalates so much, that property damage
begins to occur.
First Corollary- A running fight can be so destructive, you can follow it
from a distance just by watching for the smoke. (Also known as the "A-ko/B-ko
#97- Law of Healing- Most anime heroes have a Wolverine-like healing factor that
enables them to regenerate from a massive wound or broken bone within minutes. Being
immortal sometimes helps. (Also known as the "Priss Effect".)
#98- Law of Stereotype Crew Characteristics- All ships, either waterborne or
spaceborne, have the following crew members:
1) The captain
2) His Lieutenant
3) Various female technical staff
4) A hotshot pilot
5) A cute little girl/twins (either stowaways or not)
6) The Doctor
7) The Doctor’s assistant (either a spy or not)
Weighted among the crew are various quirks which include:
1) Extreme coolness/luck
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible irritation
4) Extreme cuteness
5) Irresponsible drunkenness
7) Emotionless (Idiots.)
#99- Law of Sparklines- Whenever a character of the main character’s interest
appears, flowers, sparkles, or abstract circles of pastel colors appear around said
character, or both. Roses with exaggerated thorns appear when it is dangerous love.
No one knows why this is, though most have a theory: Anime characters are freaks! At
least, Marker Apenname seems to think so...
#100- Law of Anime Events- Much like wrestling, anything and everything can happen.
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Fun Things to do at the Movies
- Ask what the theater’s return policy on popcorn is.
- Become a bookie. Take bets on who will die first.
- Bring a beach ball. Toss it around.
- Bring a flashlight. In the middle of the film do shadow puppets on the ceiling.
- Bring a pager or a cell phone and set them off every 5 minutes.
- Bring a portable air popper, pop your own popcorn.
- Bring a water gun and shoot it at anyone who begins talking.
- Bring and use your own air freshener.
- Bring your own beanbag chair and sit in the aisle.
- Clap loudly every time a person walks into the theater late.
- Clap when the good guy gets killed.
- Cough really loudly right at the most important part of the movie, so nobody can here it.
- Dress for every movie as if it were the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
- During a love scene, stand up and run to the screen shouting “Hooters!”
- During the previews, yell, “Can you fast-forward it?”
- Every time there is a gun shot scream, “Hit the floor!”, jump on the floor, and cover your head.
- Get up frequently and leave the room while singing “Let’s all go to the lobby to get ourselves a treat.”
- Go, “Oooooh...” whenever anyone kisses.
- Laugh hysterically during the sad parts in the movie, cry during the funny ones.
- Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
- Pass around a collection plate and see if anyone contributes.
- Pass by a room that’s showing a movie you’ve already seen, put your head into the room, and scream what happens at the end.
- Quote all dialogue 4 seconds after it is said on the screen.
- Say “Shhhhh” every 5 minutes.
- Sing with the theme music
- Sit in the back and throw eggs at the projection window.
- Sit in the front row and the minute the movie starts, run out screaming.
- Start a standing ovation at the end of the movie.
- Tell the man selling popcorn that the bathroom is flooding.
- Throw popcorn in the air and yell, “It’s snowing!”
- Throw spit wads on the screen. Try throwing them on the upper part of the screen so they can't get scraped off.
- Try to start a wave.
- Use binoculars. Stare at the audience rather than the movie.
- Use empty chairs next to you as catapults with candy. Aim at specific people behind you and see if you can hit anyone in the back row.
- Wear one of those “cat in the hat” top hats.
- When someone kicks the back of your chair, scream, “Ahhh, whiplash!”
When You Dial A Mental Hospital
Welcome to Psychiatric World. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the phone so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
#1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bast#rd who made you sad.
#2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
#3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
#4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
#5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
#6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
#7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
#8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy @ss.
#9. This is my oath... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".
How to Annoy People at a Bowling Alley
- Ask to use the house microphone. Say you want to make an announcement, then expound on the sins of bowling.
- Blatantly underscore yourself and then accuse the other team of cheating.
- Bring a dart gun. Be inventive.
- Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments.
- Bring a small gold idol; demand the other team pray to it.
- Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out).
- Even if you miss totally, at the top of your lungs scream “STEEEEEERIKE!”
- Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tongues, then sit down as if nothing happened.
- Every time you throw exclaim “TAKE THAT, YOU JERKS!” Continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.
- Hide behind the pins and stick your head up laughing hysterically just as someone is about to throw their ball.
- Make fun of your team - bring lettuce.
- Name your ball something like “KILLER”.
- Openly boast to everyone how great you are and throw like a wimp. Do this all night.
- Play bocce with extra lane balls
- Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.
- Rent all the lanes, don’t bowl.
- Root for the other team - bring banners.
- Run around sprinkling “magic fairy dust” on everyone’s balls.
- Sit in your lane and heckle others with a bullhorn.
- Trip EVERYONE!
- Try to juggle the balls.
- Walk around asking people why they are here. Do this the whole night.
- Wear a baseball uniform.
- Wear golf shoes.
- When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball and run away.
- Wrestle with your ball (WWF style). Ask someone to ref.
47 Ways To Annoy Your Best Friend
#1. Follow them around and keep asking the same stupid question no matter what answer they give.
#2. Follow them around chanting, “Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? (Insert your friend’s name) stole the cookie from the cookie jar!”
#3. Give them nicknames that are unrelated to his/her real name. Ex: Paulina. Joe. Han Solo. Teddy Bear. Freddie.
#4. Ask loudly where babies come from. Keep asking them even if they claim they won’t tell you.
#5. On the off chance they get frustrated enough to tell you where babies come from (previously mentioned on number 4), look offended and claim they’re not taking you seriously.
#6. Whenever they’re done saying something snicker and say, “Yeah, like we’ll ever believe that!” very sarcastically.
#7. Poke them at random moments, and don’t give them a straight answer as to why you are doing it, either.
#8. Laugh at any and all ideas they come up with.
#9. Follow them around and tell people that they learned everything they know from you.
#10. Whenever anyone asks you about your friend say proudly, “We’re all very proud of him/her- all of us in the insanity response unit, that is. We just got him/her potty trained, too….”
#11. Rip, burn, and eat the ashes of their most beloved stuffed animal.
#12. Or, if you’re too compassionate to destroy the harmless toy, wait till their hyperactive younger sibling comes along and give the toy to them so they can do the job for you. If the kid says they won’t do it and your friend heard everything you said, run…run fast!
#13. Point and laugh at your friend whenever they pass you.
#14. Say bad things about them before they pass out of earshot.
#15. Try to get them to start a conga line.
#16. Clearly in view, smack yourself on the head with something hard, then throw it by your friend and claim loudly that they have wounded you.
#17. Kick them in the shins at random moments when they’re not looking, then run away.
#18. Wake them up early in the early hours of the morning with a bucket of water. Cold water.
#19. Put their hand in warm water while they’re sleeping.
#20. Cut their hair while they’re sleeping.
#21. Take their stuff and hide it.
#22. Go up to your friend and tell them you’ve done something to something in their room. See how long it takes them to work up the nerve to brush their teeth again (in fear you’ve dipped their toothbrush in the toilet).
#23. Walk up to your friend and say, “Damn, it feels good to be a hamster…” and walk away with no explanation.
#24. Laugh at them in general.
#25. Dye their hair rainbow colors by any means possible. See if they scream.
#26. Make a comment about how they’re putting on a little ‘poundage’ and see if they still continue to eat regularly.
#27. Get them a puppy for Christmas. Claim that since they’ve always wanted one, you finally raised the bar, from a hamster to a dog.
#28. Get them a Chiwawa as the aforementioned puppy. (An Irish Wolfhound would be a very, very stupid move at this point)
#29. Spread outlandish rumors about them. (Ex: ”Yeah, I’ve heard he’s/she’s even dated a queen/king,” Or: “I heard that to get out of prison once, the guards made him/her dress up as a girl/boy and pout.”)
#30. Show up in their room before they go to bed with warm milk and a lullaby in mind to help them sleep.
#31. Mimic your friend in an especially childish way whenever they speak.
#32. Ask them why they’ve got a stupid moped instead of a car. If they ignore you, continue to ask why they aren’t as cool or good-looking as their older/younger sibling.
#33. See how many rounds of “100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” they can take before they swear and threaten to beat you up.
#34. Claim #33 (above) was you testing their mental endurance. Claim they failed spectacularly.
#35. Whenever you discuss your friend’s strange behavior around you with others, always refer to him/her as the opposite sex.
#36. Replace all of his/her clothes with clothing that is 3 times smaller or larger then their normal size.
#37. Replace all of their prized possessions with hand made replicas you made with construction paper and glue, maybe even with tape.
#38. Scream the name “FRODO!” at your friend and then look disappointed when they don’t react. When they ask what a “Frodo” is, refuse to tell them because they didn’t recognize their "Sam”.
#39. Tell your friend, “The cat crows at dawn and the horse screams at noon,” and see how they react to this little bit of randomness.
#40. After you’ve finished telling them something, you must add (no matter what!) “But it’s just a rumor.” (Ex: “Julie told me to tell you that you guys are leaving tomorrow, but it’s just a rumor.”)
#41. Tell them you’re leaving to see if they cry out of sheer joy.
#42. Make up their own theme song and sing it whenever they enter the room, or walk, or eat, or something, anything at all…
#43. (In relation to #42) When they threaten to cut out your tongue if you continue to sing their theme song, smile and say, “Oh all right,” and begin to hum it.
#44. Offer your friend gum from one of those trick packs (you know, the ones that shock you or snap your fingers with a mini mousetrap).
#45. Play knock and run at their bedroom door. When they inevitably refuse to answer, open the door, step in and holler “Lucy! I’m hooomme!”
#46. Scream “You dropped your pocket!” whenever they’re concentrating on something hard.
#47. (In relation to everything on this list) When your friend tries to attack you and must be forcefully restrained, sigh and say, “I always said he/she was insane. I’ve known it for years,” even if you’ve only met them last month.
Ways to Annoy Your Roommate
- Adopt an iguana. Collect the skin peelings. Give them to your roommate as a peace offering from Peter (the iguana).
- Always flush the toilet three times.
- Announce everything you do as a group activity. (Ex: “We’re going to bed now.”) If your roommate fails to do whatever you said, accuse him/her of not being a “team player”.
- Announce on the answering machine that your roommate has moved out. Tell anyone who calls for him/her not to call here anymore.
- Arrange thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Set one aside from the rest. Laugh hysterically at the one toothbrush. When your roommate asks about it, refuse to discuss the situation.
- As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
- Become a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime.
- Become a secret agent for a week. Eat every piece of paper after reading it. Speak into your lapel. Accuse your roommate of stealing the secret plans to the world’s greatest battle station. Carry a gun.
- Become your own twin brother and tell your roommate that you and your brother never appear in the same place at once. Tell your roommate the same thing again after leaving and coming back into the room.
- Borrow your roommate's clothes. Offer to wash them, then act like they were yours all along.
- Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that she/he needs bowling shoes.
- Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
- Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, “Oh, him/her? She/He won't be here much longer.”
- Build a fort out of beer cans. Refuse to come out until you are threatened to be kicked out of your apartment.
- Build a snowman out of big balls of toilet paper. Throw water on it and begin to cry that the snowman is melting.
- Build an ant farm. Let your ants have "jailbreaks". Then ask your roommate to help you hunt down all the renegade ants.
- Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
- Burn incense.
- Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a Band-Aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
- Buy a jack-in-the-box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
- Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face.
- Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
- Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
- Buy a snake. Give it free reign of the room.
- Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
- Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
- Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, “Soon, soon...”
- Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.
- Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
- Call him/her “Mommy”.
- Carry a crowbar with you at all times.
- Carry an electric fan at all times. Speak into it.
- Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
- Change the locks on the door. Don’t let your roommate in unless she/he says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
- Chase your roommate with a bloody toothbrush. Tell him/her “It only hurts for a little while."”
- Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
- Collect Chia Pets.
- Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, “It had to be done.”
- Communicate using only your eyebrows and tongue.
- Complain about your menstrual cramps. Loudly. This works best, of course, if you happen to be male.
- Constantly slip and fall on your carpet.
- Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that “It's a jungle out there.” Get your roommate to bring you food and water.
- Cry a lot.
- Cut the faces out of all your pictures.
- Do all your homework in the bathroom, using the toilet as a desk.
- Do impressions all the time.
- Don't ever flush.
- Don't shower for three weeks. Complain often about the stench. Demand that your roommate do his/her laundry.
- Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, “It's spreading, it's spreading.”
- Dress in drag.
- Dye all your underwear lime green.
- Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whipped cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
- Eat glass.
- Eat jewelry.
- Eat moths.
- Eat raw pasta for dinner.
- Every now and then start twitching violently and scream “Snakes, snakes!”
- Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, “It's not funny anymore.”
- Every time you see your roommate yell, “You son of a...” and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
- Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, “I'm melting, I'm melting!”
- Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, “It’s time to go to bed now.”
- Every time your roommate walks in yell, “Hooray! You're back!” as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, “Shouldn't you be going somewhere?”
- Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
- Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously ‘recover.’ Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time she/he coughs, excitedly say, “Oooh, are you dying?”
- Follow him/her around on weekends.
- Follow your roommate around all day whispering, “I can reach where you can't.”
- Frantically scribble something on paper. When finished, eat it. Start again.
- Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.
- Get a Brother P-Touch labeler. Label EVERYTHING!
- Give him/her an allowance.
- Give your roommate's clothes to the Salvation Army.
- Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off.
- Groom yourself like a cat.
- Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, “How nice to see you again.”
- Hang all of your posters up facing the wall.
- Hide somewhere and jump out the second your roommate comes near your hiding place. Do this for several days.
- Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
- Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.
- If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
- If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, “Ungrateful little...”
- If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
- If your roommate has cans of Chef Boyardee, buy dog food in similar-size cans. Switch the labels.
- Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.
- Invite a homeless person to live in your room and sleep in your roommate's bed.
- Invite your roommate to sleep over.
- Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, “Oh, she's around here somewhere.”
- Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.
- Late at night, start conversations that begin with, “Remember the good old days, when we used to...” and make up stories involving you and your roommate.
- Laugh a lot in the morning. Tell your roommate to be happy all the time.
- Learn Morse code. Adopt it as your sole method of communication.
- Learn to play an accordion.
- Leave Kleenexes dipped in mayonnaise on the floor. Tell guests that your roommate is disgusting and show them.
- Leave little notes in the shower for him/her.
- Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie.
- Leave morbid outgoing messages on your answering machine. Be creative.
- Let mice loose in his/her room.
- Lick him/her while they are asleep.
- Lie spread-eagled on your roommate's bed. Make him/her move you.
- Light your hair on fire. Refuse to put it out.
- Listen to radio static.
- Make a voodoo doll of your roommate. Kill it.
- Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before she/he goes to class/work.
- Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.
- Make your bed 15 times a day. Sleep on the floor.
- Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
- Pack your roommate’s clothing in ice overnight. Put it back in the dresser before s/he wakes up.
- Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, ‘Roommate Dying in a Car Crash,’ and ‘Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel.’ Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
- Paint targets on the back of all his/her shirts. Buy a crossbow.
- Paint your half of the room black.
- Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
- Paste used Kleenexes to his/her walls.
- Play Dungeons & Dragons all the time. Tell your roommate to obey you because you are the Dungeon Master.
- Play hide and seek with yourself.
- Play violent games with imaginary friends.
- Pretend your arms and legs have been amputated. Insist that you ‘cannot wipe.’
- Read your textbooks aloud. Ask your roommate for help on big words.
- Refer to yourself in the royal third person.
- Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
- Repeat everything your roommate says.
- Roller-skate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down.
- Sacrifice vegetables in the middle of the room.
- Save all of your nail clippings. Make sculptures out of them.
- Save your used tissues. Have snowball fights.
- Say everything in Pig Latin.
- Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's e-mail.
- Shave off one of your roommate's eyebrows. Comment repeatedly on how it makes him/her look younger.
- Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
- Sit and stare at your roommate for hours.
- Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth while chanting a random phrase over and over.
- Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, “I think this game goes a lot faster with two players.”
- Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
- Skip to the bathroom.
- Smile. All the time.
- Smoke ballpoint pens.
- Spell out the last word of each sentence you say to your roommate.
- Spread toothpicks all over the floor.
- Stand behind him/her while he brushes his teeth. When she/he takes the brush out of his/her mouth, force it back in.
- Stare at your roommate 24-7.
- Start a brothel.
- Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If she/he asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.
- Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort.
- Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
- Take up playing a musical instrument. Practice constantly in the room, but don't play anything coherent.
- Talk like a pirate, all the time. Refer to your roommate as “matey.” Threaten to make him/her walk the plank if she/he doesn't swab the deck.
- Talk on the phone. A lot.
- Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
- Throw out your bed. Move in with your roommate.
- Trash the room when your roommate's not around.
- Try to eat your own ear.
- Two words: Nudist colony.
- Unplug everything in the room.
- Walk and talk backwards.
- Walk into walls.
- Wear a silly hat.
- Wear all of your clothes backwards.
- Wear ammonia as a cologne.
- Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly.
- When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, “I'm watching you.”
- When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use binoculars.
- When your roommate leaves the room, raid his/her sock drawer. Switch one of each pair of your roommate's socks with one of your own.
- Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
- Whenever she/he is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with “Didja ever wonder why...” Be creative.
- Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out.
- Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
- Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an hour.
- While your roommate sleeps, insert straws into his/her nose.
Strange Things to Do on an Elevator
- Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
- Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
- Blow spit bubbles.
- Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
- Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
- Bring a chair along.
- Burp, and then say “Mmmm... tasty!”
- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and inform the other passengers that this is your “personal space”.
- Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That's mine!”
- Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut UP!”
- Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
- Lean against the button panel.
- Leave a box between the doors.
- Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
- Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
- Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
- One word: Flatulence!
- Play the harmonica.
- Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
- Say “Ding!” at each floor.
- Say “I wonder what all these do…” and push the red buttons.
- Sell Girl Scout cookies.
- Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
- Stare at a passenger and announce “You're one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I've got new socks on!”
- Start a sing-along.
- Walk on with a cooler that says “Human Head” on the side.
- When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “Is that your beeper?”
- When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
- Whistle the first seven notes of “It's a Small World” incessantly.
Random Things to do at a Discount Store
- “Accidentally” get stuck in one of the frozen food doors. Give people strange looks and see if anyone helps you out.
- Add really funny things to other peoples’ carts, watch them pay for it and see if they notice.
- As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow, magic!”
- Ask if you can buy a shopping cart.
- Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
- Bring a friend and get in a shopping cart. Have them push you around while you yell “Ye-haw!”
- Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
- Constantly wink at a person you don't know. Follow them around and blow kisses to them.
- Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “ Mission: Impossible.”
- Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!”
- Dress as a Jedi and randomly tell other shoppers in you're best Yoda voice, “May the force be with you.”
- Fill your shopping cart with matchbooks and gasoline and walk around smiling at people.
- Get 20 people together and play hide-n-go-seek.
- Get a friend, put on as many articles of clothing you can find and start sumo wrestling (use diapers if possible).
- Get a group of friends together and take lawn chairs from the display then rewind the movie playing on the display TV in electronics, sit down and watch the entire thing.
- Go into the dressing room and yell real loud... “Hey, we’re out of toilet paper in here!”
- Go up to a guy and start crying saying, “I finally found you mommy!” and see what he does.
- Go up to someone and start taking items from their basket and put them into yours.
- Grab handfuls of super bounce balls and go wild.
- Have a couple of friends go with you and dress up as power rangers. Battle the invisible enemy and tell shoppers to stand back.
- Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like, “Pick me! Pick me!”
- Hold indoor shopping cart races.
- Joust with the electronic assist carts and wrapping paper.
- Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
- Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
- Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.
- Make farting noises as you walk by someone.
- Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
- Nonchalantly “test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
- Play “Marco Polo.”
- Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
- Play with the automatic doors.
- Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello”.
- Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
- “Re-alphabetize” the CD's in Electronics.
- Re-dress the mannequins that you pass by.
- Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
- Repeat whatever the store clerk tells you.
- Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a “test drive”.
- Roll cans of soup down the aisles.
- Run up to a complete stranger and say “You're it!”
- Sample all the fragrances in the perfume department.
- Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
- Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
- Set up a battle of laser tag.
- Set up like ten pineapples in the shape of bowling pins and start bowling with a coconut.
- Shoot foam-suction darts at customers.
- Start humming the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Theme song. Whenever someone looks at an item near you, scream "TURTLE POWER" and run away as fast as you can.
- Strategically scatter those novelty dog poops throughout the store and wait for some to announce “cleanup on aisle ...” then yell “BAD FLUFFY!”
- Switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the restroom.
- Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
- TP as much of the store as possible.
- Unload then entire bin of giant bouncy balls, get in the bin, have a friend put all the balls back on top of you. When someone walks by, jump out of the balls causing them to fly everywhere.
- Walk through the store pushing a cart that is upside-down.
- Walk up to an employee and ask where the laxatives are, changing your voice as if you really need it.
- Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!”. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
- When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It's those voices again!”
- When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won't you people just leave me alone?”
- When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin narrow aisles.
- While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
- While walking alone pretend you are having a serious conversation with someone.
- While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who BUYS this crud, anyway?”
7 Things I Hate About Everyone
#1: People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
#2. People who are willing to get off their @ss to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.
#3. When people say, "It's always in the last place you look". Of course
it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?
#4. When people say while watching a film, "Did you see that?". No
loser, I paid 12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
#5. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't really
give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
#6. When people say, "Life is short". What the hell? Life is the
longest damn thing anyone ever does! What can you do that's
#7. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus
come yet?". If the bus came, would I be standing here dumb @ss?
My friend told me about all of these things so I take absolutely no credit for the funny things on here! I just re-posted them! And by the way, I hope that you all enjoyed them as much as I did! :D
Gotta pass it on, you know? XD Well...I doubt anyone will even take the time to bother reading all the way to the end anyways! So what does that leave me here with to say...Hm...Yeah, I basically got nothing left so go do people things? Yeah...Gonna...just go now before I create something here...No idea what it would be but hey. It's all good.