Author has written 1 story for Twilight.
~You embrace that which defines you
"Polish a turd, it's still a turd." ~ Peanut - Jeff Dunham
"Hey Peanut it's eight o'clock in the morning there's a lot of traffic out there, what's going on? It's eight o'clock in the morning. Everyone left the house at the same damn time. Back to you. Call me back at five thirty I'll tell you the same damn thing! Only guess what? They're going to other way!" ~ Peanut - Jeff Dunham
"The drive from the valley..." "Sucked like Hell" "The traffic..." "Was bad as hell." "The drivers..." "Were scary as hell." "Parking..." "Sucked more like hell." "So..." "We're in HELL! And these are our hell mates. Whenever someone tells ya to go to hell, we just gotta come right here." ~ Jeff Dunham and Peanut - Jeff Dunham
"Grown white men, going five hundred miles an hour, in a circle! What kinda three and a half hours is this; oh they're making a left turn and another left turn. And another left turn! Let's go to commercial and come back in ten minutes. You ain't gonna miss a damn thing!" ~ Sweet Daddy Dee - Jeff Dunham
"I was fixin' to come here, and I walked out the front door to come here, and I came here and I got here, and here I am." ~ Bubba J - Jeff Dunham
"If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?" ~ Anonymous
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?" ~ Anonymous
"Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies." ~ Willy Wonka - Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure?)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation..)
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(But no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
1. CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2. STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3. WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4. GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5. MEOW occasionally.
6. STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7. SAY -DING at each floor.
8. SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9.MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10. STARE, gri nning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11. WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12. TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13. DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14. WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15. PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16. ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17. HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18. DROP a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19. BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20. PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21. SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22. CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.
23. MAKE car race noises when someone gets on or off.
24. CONGRATULATE all for being in the same lift with you.
25. GRIMACE painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
26. WALK on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. WHILE the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
28. LET your cell phone ring - don't answer it.
29. WALK into the lift and say "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."
30. TAKE shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't.
31. ASK people which floor they want, say in 'Who want to be a millionaire' style is that your final answer.
32. ALSO in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!", and leave the lift tutting.
33. ASK, "Did you feel that?"
34. TELL people that you can see their aura.
35. WHEN the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
36. ANNOUNCE in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
37. DRESS up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time...
38. START breathing heavily and grab your chest when someone walks in. Then stumble out gasping for air
39. WHEN someone comes in ask them to press 5 or 6 different floors
40. GET in and don't press any buttons. Wait for the elevator to be called somewhere and repeat 39.
41. IF you are the only one in the elevator, press all of the buttons and stand, staring at the door, waiting for someone to come.
42. LAUGH maniacally whenever anyone looks at you and say you're here for the mental health convention.
Happiness runs in a circular motion
Thought is like a little boat upon the sea.
Everybody is a part of everything anyway,
You can have everything if you let yourself be.
Happiness runs, happiness runs.
~Most addicting song EVER
It taken us so long to realize that a purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.
~Kurt Vonnegut (1922 -)
"One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us."
— Kurt Vonnegut
If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922 -)
And if you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world?
There's nothing to it
Clarence: [In book inscription] Remember, George: no man is a failure who has friends.
-It's a wonderful life
Father into your hand I comend my spirit
Father into your hand why have you forsaken me in your eyes
Forsaken me in your thoughts
Forsaken me in your heart
Tiger got to hunt,
Bird got to fly;
Man got to sit and wonder, “Why, why, why?”
Tiger got to sleep,
Bird got to land;
Man got to tell himself he understand.
by Kurt Vonnegut (November 11, 1922 – April 11, 2007)
from Cat’s Cradle (1963)
Life's a journey, not a destination. ~Aerosmith
Shall the clay say to him that fashioneth it, What makest thou?
" I can't slow down, I can't hold back, though you know I wish I could
You know there ain't no rest for the wicked, until we close our eyes for good."
-"Ain't No Rest For The Wicked," Cage the Elephant
"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that."
Dumbledore, "The Sorcerer's/Philosopher's Stone"
"It seems only yesterday I used to believe
there was nothing under my skin but light.
If you cut me I could shine.
But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
I skin my knees. I bleed."
- Billy Collins, "On Turning Ten," l. 28-32