"In some remote corner of the universe, poured out and glittering in innumerable solar systems, there once was a star on which clever animals invented knowledge. That was the highest and most mendacious minute of "world history"—yet only a minute. After nature had drawn a few breaths the star grew cold, and the clever animals had to die."
I love this quote. Which, I believe, would translate into me telling you that I am a Nihlist, Realist, Atheist, Conservative, and a douche. (well, maybe not that fourth one, but I am.)
I'm a guy, that lives in America, and goes to high school. That's all you're going to get.
Question Everything - The best advice anyone will ever give.
I get some terminology from www.tvtropes.com, read it. They have some hillarious pages, and are suprisingly informative. If you are interested in learning about the history of Lulz and becoming a denizen of the intarnetz, then I also heartily recommend Encyclopedia Dramatica for those not faint of heart, but seriously, don't click on any link that leads out of the sight. Or the Offended page. Oh God, the Offended page. (It's also NSFW.)
ARTICLE OF THE NOW:
Ok. I am aware of a classification of fiction called Alternate Universe. This is a respectable way to tell your audience that you have changed something in your story that makes it significantly different from the Canon world. That is all well and good. That describes situations where in, say, Naruto leaves Konoha at an early age, Harry Potter gets adopted by Sirius Black at birth, or Roxas never rejoins Sora in Kingdom Hearts II. Those are changes that send things spiraling out of control in a cause-and-effect basis that renders the world they are living in entirely different from the one in Canon. These are acceptable, and in my own personal opinion, encouraged. These are all interesting scenarios. They make for interesting reading. Which is why I called them interesting. Get it?
Still with me (waiting for the rant, amirite?)?
Now, get this. Taking the characters from Naruto, Harry Potter, or Kingdom Hearts and removing every fucking plot element that made them into popular series in the first place, and then putting them in FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL is a fucking masterful way of fucking things up. I RAGE over this. I am frothing at the fucking mouth. Firstly, when you remove every damned plot element that made the series exist in the first place, you have removed any reason for classifying it as such fanfiction in the first place. If I can ad lib ‘Joan’, ‘Sam’, ‘Beth’, and ‘John’ into your story replacing the characters names, and then ask someone from their respective fandoms to tell me what this story is, and they cannot answer if they don’t look at the descriptions of the characters appearance, YOU DID IT FUCKING WRONG. Aside from the fact that almost all of these stories do not indulge in any plot relating to their original series, and instead act as a vessel for the author to draw sympathy to his/her (mostly her) own life, then you do not deserve to be called an author. You are raping the characters names and placing them into a situation that is entirely unrelated to anything they were created for. You are filing up the FF.net system with your useless crap. Stop it. Right. Fucking. Now. I want to read stories about the series I found interesting in the first place, not some shitty high school drama. If I want to do that, then I’ll pick up one of the slightly less craptastic books about it at a bookstore.
Rants on FF.net:
1) Let me start this off by saying; grammar is the single most important thing about a story. It doesn’t have to be amazingly great, or even good. If the reader can sufficiently follow and understand your words, then there isn't a real problem. Absolutely do not put in TXT speak, such as 'u' for 'you' or contract character names. This is an immediate sign of lack of skill, and should be given wide berth. Adjectives are your friends!
2) "Details, Details, Details! The beauty is in the details!" (some smart guy, at one point). Write your character as a person! Give them personalities! Give them motivations! They are not cardboard cutouts with a pre-recorded voice boxes taped to the back. Novelizations are all well and nice. But once you've read one, you've read them all! Change something up! A single second could end up changing the entire course of the series. The characters won't be the same! Even small differences are better (and more believable) than none at all.
3) It's also nice to describe the environment your character finds himself in. It helps the reader visualize, and that is one of the key aspects of writing. All we're staring at is some lines of text, it's up to you to help us turn those walls of text into a laboratory, or a grassy meadow, or a steamy forest. Remember, adjectives are your friends.
4) There is something I find to be disturbingly prevalent in FanFiction today (Naruto, Harry Potter, ect.). Listen to these words "TIME SKIPS DO NOT CONSTITUTE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT." Got that? I've seen numerous Fics that like to do this:
A) Pick up the story from it's current point, yet act as if they had started it from the beginning and rewrite the entire character's personality with no explanation given whatsoever. (more rare)
B) Put the character on a long journey, revealing nothing about said journey, and make him the ultimate badass. (waaaaay to common on FF.net)
'A' just annoys the crap out of me, but is tolerable if The Writer can keep the story believable and to its roots. The Writer can always redeem an 'A' story with a few detailed flashbacks that explain whatever the hell happened to the character to make them so different. A 'B' is next to completely irredeemable in my eyes, as The Writer tends to turn the character into a Mary/Marty Sue. They will almost always add a completely improbable weapon (scimitar, a scythe, ect...) and will also give him an equal flashy costume that only The Writer (and retarded people) will find badass. This will only serve to make the character invincible, as the weapons and clothes are explained away as being enchanted or sum such, which only allows for a Deus Ex Machina to save the character (as if they need it) from danger. This also touches on the deeper issue of 'Appearances; which will be covered later. A 'B' is notorious for newer writers, because they see it as getting all the 'perks' of character development without all that nasty writing or explaining. Needless to say, I hate 'B' stories, though they can be redeemed if the writer adds a lot of flashbacks/references to the journey. It's still better to avoid them all together though.
5) I generally tend to prefer a story if it starts at the beginning of the series, with the childhood and whatnot. Not a requirement, but it's still good to have a few paragraphs of throwaway text to explain whether you changed a major point in the characters history. Rather important for AU or AT (Alternate Universe/Timeline) to have because it might explain what’s going to change. I tend to find that Fics that start in the middle of the story tend to be very amateurish and a very bad read, thought there are notable exceptions (But these are really good in areas other than introduction). This slightly links with the above paragraph, but mostly allows for easy character development, that can be genuinely good. Things that happen in our childhood happen to have a profound effect on people that exist in fiction. Remember, even a few paragraphs of introduction make your work seem more professional. The point still remains as to why your character is doing what he's doing; make sure the audience knows why as well.
6) YOU SUCK AT WRITING COMEDY. I want every writer who reads this to know that. I have seen many fics that are registered as comedy, or say 'its sooo funnny read pls!!11!'. Want to know what they all have in common? They suck.
7) Some people think that randomness is funny. While a little randomness is fine, basing your story around it is NOT. This is known as a BLAM (Big Lipped Alligator Moment copy-paste to TVtropes.com in the search bar). I don't want to have to think "What the hell is going on" every time I read your story. If I'm thinking this every chapter then something is very wrong. Every time I read a summary with the word 'random' in it, I feel like someone has hit my brain with a sledge hammer. I die a little inside when I see things this stupid. I kill puppies whenever a story insults me this way.
8) For the love of God, Krishna, Allah, or Chuck -freaking- Norris, DO NOT PUT, "first fic tell me how I did" or " first fic dont flame pls", in your summary. It's a God-damned summary. Summarize your freaking story. Readers, the smart ones at least, don't give crap if it's your 1st, 10th, or 100th story. Newbiness is not an excuse. If you're writing your first (especially if it's your first) story go for as much quality as you can! Your summary is your hook. It's thing that most readers use to decide if they're going to read your story or not. That's why it's imperative to have a good summary. One that actually tells me what your story is about.
9) Mary Sue. We all hate it. If you do it, expect people to tell you to GTFO the internet.
10) I haven't written something in a while, so this is going to be a good exercise. I was just surfing the Naruto 100,000 word stories (yes, I'm a nerd, durrrr) and was just struck by something that offended my sensibilities. On the front page there were 2 stories, one had an interesting premise, a great summary, and decent enough writing (Four Man Squads, if anyone is interested). The other was sigh a fic about Naruto getting the most powerful "dojutsu" wince (the summary was terribly written, by the way), gain friends willing to commit suicide/do whatever he says unquestioningly for no adequately explained reason cringe, and give him a harem smacks head on table (Onikage, in all of its horror). If this doesn't define the term "masturbatory self-satisfaction fic" then I will be hard pressed to find another. Now, why is this frustrating? Because the one that seems to be the better written one has less than half the reviews of the latter. This is frustrating for several reasons, one of which being the complete degradation of the FF.net community. That such mind-boggling painful shitasterpiece can exceed an insightful, well written piece of respectable fiction says loads about the state of our current community. Stuff like this actually gives me a headache due to its sheer stupidity. Has this sight been taken over by retarded little 11 year old children? I actually fail to see how people can find this stuff cool. Send me a PM if you can figure out this... puzzle.