Amelianna
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Joined 12-01-08, id: 1758350, Profile Updated: 12-18-12

About me: Anna

Hair: dark brown, longer and curly-er
Eyes: two, and dark brown/ green when I am mad
Birthday: Sept. 18
Sign: Virgo
Height: 5'11"
Location: Northwestern Washington (the state), yay! Funny I actually get to less than an hour from Forks, and it totally wasn't planned, I just happened to find a job... love it here!

Faves:

Color: Green, green, and oh, did I mention... dark chocolate brown
Books: Twilight, duh, also classical literature, right now reading a series by Jane Kirkpatrick
Movies: Twilight, New Moon rocked, Eclipse was better, hopefully pt. 1 of Breaking Dawn will be good, and then a whole another year for pt. 2
Food: anything I cook/ experiment/ don't burn
Place: mountains, anywhere green and forested, and Ireland
Music: a little of everything, Muse, Florence and the Machine, MGMT, the Black Keys right now
Twi. Character: sighs happily Emmett, but I identify with Bella, I am pure klutziness and bad luck
Weather: rain and thunderstorms, almost time for snow!

Thank you Stephenie Meyer, for ruining my life with Twilight, I am obsessed. That's ok, I get to dream of gorgeous vampires now.

You Know You Are A Twilight Addict if/ when...
- Now Entering du nu nu nu the Twilight zone-

You wake up because your window is open and it's cold, and think a vampire was in your room.

While eating lunch at work, someone asks if what you are eating is any good. You answer, "well it's no irritable grizzly" and blush. They stare and think you are crazy.9

Randomly talk to yourself very quietly, about characters and plot lines for fanfics, so no one else can hear.

People say you are in lala (Twilight) land most of the time.

You are considering naming your future child/ children: Edward, Bella, Alice, or any other twilight names.

Whenever you hear thunder, you think it is vampires playing baseball.

You have actually tried blocking your thoughts about how gorgeous Edward Cullen is because you don't want said gorgeous Edward Cullen to hear.

Whenever you see or hear the name "Edward" you freak out and have a small fit because you love him so much, and then people stare at you.

Whenever you see or hear the brand "Volvo" you freak out and start giggling uncontrollably and then people stare at you funny.

You're saving up for a silver shiny Volvo.

You love Edward Cullen.

You are a proud stalker of Edward Anthony Masen Cullen.

You're stalking a fictional character.

You tell everyone an overprotective vampire watches you in your sleep and he is the true love of your life. Your parents want to send you to a mental institution. Your boyfriend stares at you. Your best friend thinks he is hers.

You tell your enemy you have a best friend that is a werewolf. She laughs, you hit her.

You are so obsessed with Twilight that it is NOT even funny anymore.

You think that TWILGHT is the best book known to woman (and man)...

You want to jump off a building to see if Carlisle will be at the hospital and save you.

You think the Cullens should have their own theme music.

You think that Emmett absolutely ROCKS.

You want to be that little hyper pixie of Alice.

You've started having dreams featuring Twilight characters.

You have acted like a paranoid fool because you believe (or wish) that the Twilight characters exist.

You have AACIBD is Addicted to All Cullen's Including Bella Disorder.

You have an unhealthy obsession with any -or all- of the Cullens and you don't want to admit it. Even though you know admitting a problem is the first step to solving it, but frankly you don't want the damn problem to be solved.

You've ever tried to see if there is a real life version of Edward Cullen out there.

You are planning on mobbing Stephenie Meyer's publisher because you want Midnight Sun NOW... get your pitchforks and torches.

You know your addiction to Twilight is getting dangerous when you've added "Volterra" to your computer's dictionary.

You have ever considered changing your name... and naming yourself after a Cullen.

Your greatest wish is to be Bella Swan. (Cullen.)

You think it would be hilarious to see Bella beat Emmett in an arm wrestling match.

You agree with Bella that life without Edward is useless.

You cried, screamed, or threw a fit when Edward left Bella in New Moon.

You cried, screamed, or threw New Moon at the wall when Jane used her power on Edward.

You doodle Edward Cullen with hearts and add Cullen to your name. (Mrs. Edward Cullen...)

You have Twilight and New Moon memorized along with Eclipse and Breaking Dawn.

Your background and screensaver are Twilight themed.

You hear the voices of characters in your head.

You are addicted to vampires and would like to become one.

You have a choice between being human or being a vampire. No question, you would choose vampire.

You have a friend that thinks Twilight is stupid and are set on reforming them.

You think that only losers hate/don't get Twilight.

You think Jessica and Mike belong together because they're both annoying and stupid.

You think Mike should be run over by a bus.

You think that said bus should also take out Eric.

You also think said bus should take out Jacob while it's at it.

You read New Moon and wanted to punch Jacob Black.

You think that in New Moon Jacob Black was the cute love struck kid. In Eclipse he was the selfish, arrogant, annoying prick. And in Breaking Dawn, he was the sweet and sad guy.

Things You Shouldn't But Can't Help But Do

Push a pale person out into the sunlight to see if they glitter... or pretend you do (because you are pasty pale.)

Go out and see the movie 10 times just to look at Robert Pattinson.

Stalk Robert Pattinson... and ask him to dazzle you.

Say, 'Bella Swan', when asked what your name is. And no you shouldn't legally change it, either.

Buy a Silver Volvo... it doesn't matter that Edward has one.

Ask your boyfriend to pretend to be a vampire because chances are he won't want to stand in the snow for five minutes just to get icy skin. And definitely don't call him Edward.

Try to see if you can go without breathing... because you can't.

Whine about how the movie left out so many things from the book... your parents really don't care... neither do your coworkers... or friends...or random people on the street.

Name your twins 'Edward and Bella'... when they learn why you gave them those names, they won't be happy.

Try to go a week without sleeping... it won't end well.

Ask anyone you know that's pale to bite you.

Drive 50 miles over the speed limit... chances are, your neighborhood cops will notice.

Think about Twilight any time you see an apple.

Anytime you see a hot doctor, call him Carlisle... he won't think it's funny.

Cut yourself then taste the blood just to see how it tastes... it doesn't matter that you were just curious. You'll end up in the hospital mental ward.

Ask random people how long they've been seventeen.

Try to convince Harry Potter lovers that Twilight is better... you will get hurt.

Pretend to have visions of the future.

Twilight Quotes

Emmett

"I'll try not to break anything."
"She's diabolical."
"I'm really glad Edward didn't kill you. Everything's so much more fun with you around."
"Eerie, isn't it?"
"I have to step out for a second. Don't do anything funny while I'm gone."
"Oooo, scary"
"Chill, Bella."
"I'm not going down without a fight."
"Fall down again, Bella?"

Bella

"No, Emmett. I punched a werewolf in the face."
"Here's the thing... I've already gone crazy once. I know what my limits are." "Huh. I can see what everyone's been going on about. You stink, Jacob."
"You know, Jake, maybe you should think about getting a life."
"Um. I'm going to run over Tyler Crowley tomorrow before school?"
"My mind doesn't work right? I'm a freak?"

Edward

"I hear voices in my mind and you're worried that you're the freak?"
"Look after my heart. I've left it with you."
"Oh, a sadistic vampire, intent on torturing her to death, sure, no problem, she runs off to meet him. An IV on the other hand..."
"The wasting of finite resources is everyone's business!"
"You aren't exactly the best judge of what is or isn't dangerous."
"It's the thought that counts. I ought to know."
"You're awfully small to be so hugely irritating."

Alice

"This hostage stuff is fun!"
"And speaking of Italy and sports cars that I stole there, you still owe me a yellow Porsche."

Alice: "I'll play you for it. Rock, paper, scissors."
Edward: "Why don't you just tell me who wins?"
Alice: "I do. Excellent."

Alice: "No one will dare to call you plain when I'm through with you."
Bella: "Only because they're afraid you'll suck their blood."

Rosalie

“If we had happy endings, we'd all be under gravestones now."
"Over my pile of ashes."

Renee

"Alice wouldn't let us do anything else. Every time we tried, she all but ripped our throats out."

Random Twihigh stuff

Esme Cullen, enjoys home cooked meals, romantic novels, and suicide.

Team Jasper- He can snap at me anytime.

When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand Edward Cullen.

Huh, it figures. All the good guys are taken, vampires, or both.

Water, water everywhere, not a drop... oh, we must be in Forks.

When other little girls wanted to be ballerinas, I kinda wanted to be a VAMPIRE.

Lessons Learned in Twilight:

1. You can enjoy the bouquet while resisting the wine.
2. The future is not set in stone.
3. Men are crabby when they're hungry.
4. Nothing beats an irritable grizzly bear.
5. True love knows no boundaries.
6. Some people are just danger magnets.
7. Even eternal enemies can work together to save something they love.
8. Forget the fangs - real vampires sparkle!
9. Soul mates exist, even if it takes 100 years to find them.
10. Porsche 911 Turbos make really great bribes.
11. Friendship is like the sun on a cloudy day.
12. Snow just means it's too cold for rain.
13. Family is about more than just blood.
14. What's worth doing is worth over-doing.
15. Losing your temper can be hair-raising.
16. "Vegetarian" has many meanings.
17. Even monsters can hold on to their humanity.
18. There are exceptions to every rule.
19. Always verify bad news before doing something stupid.
20. Hearing voices in your head doesn't necessarily mean you're crazy.
21. Love means being willing to sacrifice your happiness for another's.
22. Cold hands = Warm heart.
23. Not breathing is uncomfortable.
24. Stupid lambs and masochistic lions make quite a pair.
25. Romeo was an idiot.
26. Twilight is the saddest and safest time of day.
27. Extreme sports should not be attempted alone.
28. Life is worth very little without someone to share it with.
29. Space heaters can be very annoying.
30. Love can make even the most miserable places paradise.

Funny Stuff
--

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together.

I have arrived...

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions- Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion- Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on bottom of the box)
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning- may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning- keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights: Intended for indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor: Not to be used for any other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning- contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions- open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

In the Fine Print for an ATM card:
If card is lost or stolen contact Bank immediately... using phone number printed on the back of card.
(huh?)

15 Things to do in your in Wal-Mart!

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in Housewares"... and see what happens.
4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.
10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look
12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream... "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!
15. Grab a lot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go!"

Someone out there either has too much spare time, or is really good at Scrabble.

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION - RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

The Church
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem: my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones had winked off again. However, this time, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that god damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.

ONE FOR THE GIRLS!

(1) A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman alive." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
(2) Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death. AMEN
(3) Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
(4) Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

Friends Vs. Best Friends
Friends: Will comfort you when he rejects you.
Best Friends: Will go up and ask him, "it's because you're gay isn't it?"

Friends: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you.
Best Friends: Will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."

Friends: Help you up when you fall.
Best Friends: Keep walking while saying "Walk much, dumb ass?"

Friends: Help you find your prince.
Best Friends: Kidnap him and bring him to you.

Friends: Will ask you why you are crying.
Best Friends: Will laugh and say "Ha, ha loser."

Friends: Will offer you something to drink.
Best Friends: Will spill it on you.

Friends: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month.
Best Friends: Throw you a tampon and push you in.

Friends: Give you their umbrella in the rain.
Best Friends: Take yours and say, "Run, beep, run."

Friends: Will help you move.
Best Friends: Will help move the bodies.

Friends: Will bail you out of jail.
Best Friends: Would be in the cell next to you saying, "That was awesome. Let's do it again."

Friends: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
Best Friends: Help themselves and are the reason your pantry has been wiped clean.

Friends: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and your grandfather by Grandpa.
Best Friends: Call your parents Mom and Dad, and Grandpa by Gramps.

Friends: Would pick you up from jail.
Best Friends: Would be with you saying, "Damn we messed up."

Friends: Have never seen you cry.
Best Friends: Know every detail behind the emotional breakdowns and laugh with you when you aren't down anymore.

Friends: Tell you that you look nice.
Best Friends: Tell you that you look like a hooker's apprentice, and then help you lace up your boots.

Friends: Say "See you later."
Best Friends: Latch onto your leg and plead, "But I luuuuuvvvvvv yeeewwwww!! You can't leeeeaaaavvveee meeeeeeeee!!" You try to move, they tackle you.

Friends: Forgive you.
Best Friends: Hold a fake grudge against you, until you let them borrow your last hair band.

Friends: Annoy you.
Best Friends: Tell you to shut up, and then laugh and annoy you some more.

Friends: Will say goodbye and hang up when they are out of things to say.
Best Friends: Will refuse to hang up, and will stay on the line just breathing.

Friends: Laugh with you.
Best Friends: Laugh at you... with you.

Friends: Ask you to write down your number.
Best Friends: Have you on speed dial.

Friends: Borrow your stuff and give it back after a few days.
Best Friends: Lose your stuff and tells you, "My bad... here's a tissue."

Friends: Only know a few things about you.
Best Friends: Could write a very embarrassing biography on you life's story...

Friends: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
Best Friends: Help you kick said crowd's ass that left you.

Friends: Knock on your front door.
Best Friends: Walk right in and announce "I'm home." (Or sneak in the back and scare the crap out of you.)

Friends: Have to be told not to tell anyone.
Best Friends: Pull the invisible lock and key for their mouth out before you are done telling them.

Friends: Know few secrets about you.
Best Friends: Know every single skeleton in your closet by name, and could blackmail you for eternity.

Friends: Will be there to take your drink away when they think you have had enough.
Best Friends: Will watch you stumble all over the place and say "Girl, drink the rest of that! You know we don't waste."

Friends: Would try to put out the fire in your house.
Best Friends: Would be roasting marshmallows and flirting with the firemen.

Friends: Will pick you up when you are down.
Best Friends: Push you back down and laugh.

Friends: Have to ask why you are crying.
Best Friends: Have the shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry.

Friends: Will say you can do better.
Best Friends: Will call him up and say, "You have seven days to live... have a nice week."

Friends: Will send you to rehab.
Best Friends: Are there with you.

Friends: Like you.
Best Friends: Love you.

Friends: Are only temporary.
Best Friends: Are for life.

From one crazy to another, how to really screw with people on elevator rides...hehehe...

1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
3. When arriving on your floor, grunt and strain to yank open the doors, and then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
4. Offer everyone getting on the elevator nametags. Write "Patient 10898" on yours and wear it upside down.
5. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's A Small World" incessantly.
6. Repeat everything anyone says to you in the form of a question.
7. Greet everyone getting on with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold open the door and drop a penny. Demand it stay open until you hear it go "plink" at the bottom."
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce "I've got new socks on."
10. Meow occasionally. Later try barking.
11. When the elevator is getting full, moan from the back "Oh no, not now, not motion sickness."
12. Holler "Chutes away!" when the elevator descends.
13. Stand in front of the buttons and wring your hands while saying "who pushed the button for floor thirteen?"
14. Walk on with a cooler that has "human head" written on the side.
15. Stare at another passenger, shake your head, and announce, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
16. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
17. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
18. Say "Ding" at each floor.
19. Say "I wonder what all these are for" and push all the red buttons.
20. Listen to the walls with a stethoscope.
21. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
22. Glare at other passengers and announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
23. Make explosion noises when anyone pushes a button.
24. Wear "X-ray Vision" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
25. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.
26. When there is only one other person on the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
27. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
28. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to pick it up, then scream "That's mine!"
29. Bring a camera, make sure the flash is on, and take pictures of everyone on the elevator.
30. Ask if you can push buttons for other people, but push the wrong ones.
31. Ask "Did you feel that?"
32. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
33. Swat at flies that don't exist.
34. Dance and drum noisily on the walls.
35. Try to make a personal call on the emergency phone.
36. As you are coming to your floor, get emotional and group hug everyone. Tell them you won't forget them.
37. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
38. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
39. Congratulate everyone for being on the lift with you.
40. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
41. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it... quick!" then whistle innocently.
42. Let your cell phone ring, and don't answer it.
43. Take off your shoes before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't.
44. Walk into the elevator and say "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."
45. Ask people what floor they want, in a "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" style and ask "is that your final answer?"
46. Acting as a bellboy, ask what floor they want. Whatever the answer, glare and say "You should be ashamed of yourself." Leave the lift tutting.
47. Tell people you can see their auras.
48. Ask other passengers if you can read their palms. Frown and tell them "Your lifeline ends in thirty seconds.
49. When the door closes, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic. They open up again."
50. Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood. Stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time..."

"I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that shit up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shit, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole."

Scarcasm, so much fun... so little time...

When life hand you lemons, throw those lemons right back at it and tell life to make its own damn lemonade.

When life hands you lemons, cut them in half and squeeze them in life's eyes.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.

When life gives you lemons, find someone whose life gave them vodka. Then have a party. (Or tequila and salt is better.)

When life gives you lemons, go to the store and demand a refund for those lemons. Then, rub your money in life's face!

Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls... and trees... and mirrors (and then apologize to the other person)... and doors...that I could clearly dodge if I was paying more attention... or not looking sideways at a friend...

I also trip... a lot... down stairs... up stairs... over my own feet... on other people... on air...

I am a klutz. I have stood straight up... only to fall down for no apparant reason. I miss my mouth when trying to take a sip of water... I am not drunk, I just can't walk in a straight line anytime...

I do not do drugs. I do sugar.

Nerds are cool. Nerds are smart. Nerds will one day rule the universe. I am a nerd and proud of it.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up. (Like to keep the damn bull from trampling you...)

I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? (Ah, so true...)

My favorite word is sarcasm. (Yep, totally is.)

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them. (hehehe)

Remember what you just said, because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and you'll be devastated then!

If two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, I'm not sure about the universe.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.

Hard work pays off in the future- laziness pays off now.

Don't hate yourself in the morning- sleep till noon.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance?

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

Support your local medical examiner-die strangely.

No one dies a virgin; life screws us all.

Never take life seriously, no one gets out alive anyway.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

The electric chair was invented by a dentist. (No wonder everyone hates the dentist...)

The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared.

Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and you mom tell you that you can still keep it.

"This is on me,"- perfect for your headstone, don't you think?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'm not afriad of Death. What's he going to do, kill me?

Assassination is an extreme form of censorship.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think anyone would die. No, I think guns help...

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...

In order to get to heaven, you have to make a little Hell.

If heat rises, then shouldn't Hell be cold?

How come we say 'It's colder than Hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

Heaven doesn't want me, and Hell is afraid I'll take over.

I once prayed to God for a bike, but quickly found out He didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for His forgiveness.

Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is human's way of saying you can't fire me, I quit.

The idea of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his.

Join The Army: visit exotic places, meet strange people, and then kill them.

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it.

Some people are alive only because its illegal to kill them.

There are very few personal problems that can't be excused by an adequate amout of high explosives.

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

I hate people, people make me pro-nuclear.

Humanitarians help humans, but vegetarians EAT vegetables.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute, screw the fruit!

You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count.

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?

I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard.

I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.

Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

Real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real.

If you blow in a dogs face he'll get mad at you, but take him for a car ride, and the first thing he does is stick his head out the window!

Borrow money from pessimists- they dont expect to get it back!

It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why the hell would I keep looking after I found it?

Tu madre! Yes, you just got burned in Spanish. Would you like some ice for that Spanish burn?

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Percussive maintenance - the art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again

'Morning people' should be driven off the face of the planet so they spread their 6-AM cheer to Martians.

Remember, it takes forty-two muscles to frown, twenty-eight to smile, but hey, it only takes four to reach out and to punch someone.

It doesn't matter whether the glass if half-full or half-empty. Just drink the damn thing and get it over with.

Fergie taught me how to spell delicious and glamorous. But not so much tastey!

Most people learn by observation, and there are a few who learn by experimentation. And then there are those who actually TOUCH the fire to see if it's really hot.

Ninety-two percent of teens would die if Abercrombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. I am most certainly part of the 8 percent who would be laughing my ass off as people fell down around me.

93 percent of teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?"

98 percent of teenagers drink or have been around alcohol, I am of the 2 percent that like... MUFFINS!

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, then weird is good.

Admitting you are weird is normal. Admitting you are normal is odd. Different is odd and different is not good.

Only crazy people can understand the brilliance of crazy things.

Suicide runs in my family...

Strangers always have the best candy...

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers. (And now he won't give them back!)

1 out of every 4 people are insane. Look at your three best friends, if it's not them, it's you.

I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

I'm not insane... i just do whatever the voices tell me to.

It's all fun and games until the other person loses their sanity.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they're not out to get you.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends.

My imaginary friend thinks that you have serious problems.

I had amnesia once - maybe twice.

It's a control freak thing, I wouldn't let you understand.

You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.

I live in a world full of bunnies and unicorns... but the bunnies are cutting themselves and the unicorns are acting all emo again.

If anyone here is telekinetic, raise my hand.

If at first you try and don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

I ran with scissors... and lived!

I don't obsess, sheesh! (sniffs haughtily) I just think intensely.

I have been so obsessed with something, that now everyone is afriad of the effects... like laughing maniacally.

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

Don't call me emo or I'll cry big fat juicy tears of blood and pain and then I'll die and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT!

Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought...

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer?

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.

It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

I've got ADD and magic markers- Oh, the fun I will have.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Advice is what we ask for when we already have the answer but wish we didn't.

Don't play games with a girl who can play better.

If it wasn't for physics and the law, hell, I'd be unstoppable.

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

Tell a man there is 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a seat has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.

How original, the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune.

When I say LOL I'm not laughing out loud. I just have nothing better to say.

Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day but set the man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I've got things to break, people to laugh at, objects to drool over and who knows what else.

A piece of cheese could come up with a plan more cunning than that.

You're the kind of girl who would get fired at the M&M's company for throwing out the w's.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

I hear your silence loud and clear.

Why do today what you could put off till tomorrow?

How can I miss you if you never left?

I'm not with stupid anymore!

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them more.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either.

Education is important, school however, is another matter.

Don't mess with me I've got a stick.

Why is it that people are fine with everyone having a different job or going to a different school, but if you say you follow a different religion, you are weird?

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

I blame my attitude on videogames.

There is stupid coming out of your mouth hole again.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...I was aiming for your face.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Perfection is a waste of time.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

You're intoxicated by my very presence

Officer, I swear to drunk I'm not God!

I make the cowardly lion look like the terminator!

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.

There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

A day without light is like, you know, night.

I'm not stupid, everyone else is just... really smart.

The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

We're best friends. You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You hurt, I hurt. You jump off a bridge, damn, I'm gonna miss your dumb ass.

Those who cannot remember the past are going to spend a lot of time in mall parking lots looking for their cars.

The Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

I can only please on person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Don't run in the school hall, gliding is more fun!

FYI: you are NOT bringing sexy back.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Imitation is the most annoying form of flattery.

I'll be rich and famous when I invent something that will stab people over the internet.

One way to figure out how things work- push all the buttons!

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty.

If your going to be two faced, can you at least make one of them pretty?

Anything too stupid to be said is sung.

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.

Winning may not be everything, but losing has little to recommend it.

Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy.

It's a lot like nature. You only have as many animals as the ecosystem can support and you only have as many friends as you can tolerate the bitching of.

If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.

Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. Nothing is that important.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.

Patience has its limits. Take it too far, and it's cowardice.

There will be a time when loud-mouthed, incompetent people seem to be getting the best of you. When that happens, you only have to be patient and wait for them to self destruct. It never fails.

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats.

Aerodynamically, the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know it, so it keeps flying anyway.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

You can't be late until you show up.

Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Well, paint me purple and call me Barney!

If annoyed further, I shall spork your eyes out.

Life isn't passing me by- it's trying to run me over!

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Tell the truth... then run.

When angry, take a deep breath and count to ten; when very angry, swear.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague!

I only have PMS on days that end with a Y.

He who laughs last thinks slowest

Who ever said that nothing was impossible clearly never tried to slam a revolving door.

If two wrongs don't make a right, see what happens when you try three...

Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes, that way you'll be a mile away and have their shoes.

Come to the dark side . . . WE HAVE COOKIES!

Slinky Escalator = Endless fun

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.

Every man is like the Death Star, they all have laser guns.

Please note : Christmas is cancelled - apparently you told Santa you were good this year ... and he died laughing.

I'm going on a quest, to the deepest, darkest corners of my room, in search of what some would call a "floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me my friends, wish me luck, for I may not return alive.

Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family so it must be one of them. Either it's my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Collin. Or my other brother Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it's Collin.

Engineering: 'How will this work?' Science: 'Why will this work?' Management: 'When will this work? Liberal Arts: 'Do you want fries with that?

If you live life with your head in the sand all that people are going to see is an arse.

In truth, we are all homos...apiens.

If you live life with your head in the sand all that people are going to see is an arse.

Basic definitions of science: if it's green or wiggles, it's Biology. If it stinks, it's Chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

You call me a bitch? Because a bitch is a dog. Dogs bark. Bark grows on trees. Trees are a part of nature. Nature is beautiful. I know I'm beautiful, thanks for noticing.

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve the continuation of the species.

Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

The kids should stop chasing Lucky and leave his lucky charms alone.

When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back.

Pluto was no longer declared a planet on August 27 of 2006 just because it was "Too small" and "Off it's orbit" for a couple scientists' likings.

Was that an earthquake, or did I just rock your world?

()_(/)
(='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny into your profile to help him gain world domination. come join the dark side (we have cookies).
(")_(")

Quotes and Randomness

Everything here is eatable. Even I'm eatable, but that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is frowned upon in most societies. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

"I know water doesn't bite! What a stupid thing to say! Water doesn't have to bite you! You drown in it you moron!" -Stewie Griffin

"You know, I do not think that means what you think it means." Inigo Montoyez

"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried." Mae West 1893-1980

"Be who you are and say what you feel for those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."- Dr.Suess

"Wal-Mart, do they, like, sell walls there?" - Paris Hilton

Darth Vader- Come to the Dark Side! We have COOKIES!
Luke Skywalker- Nah, the rebels have cake.
Darth Vader- Ooh! Can I be a rebel, please?!

You Are Like Me If...

If you are crazy and proud of it.

If you think that being unique is better than being cool.

If you are called 'weird' at least 5 times a day .

If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes. (Multiple times a day...)

If you have a very wide range of interests.

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull, or vice-versa.

If you have ever stopped in the middle of a busy street to look at something.

If you've ever had a conversation with yourself.

If you have ever had an argument with yourself that has gotten violent.

If you have ever gotten into an arguement with yourself... and lost...

If you have inside jokes...with yourself.

If several inanimate objects hate you.

If you've ever yelled at an inanimate object for not listening to you.

If that inanimate object now hates you more because you yelled at it.

If you talk back to the TV. Usually because you think you can actually influence the characters.

If you have ever thought of something funny, started laughing, fell and hit your head on something hard, and ended up laughing harder than you were before.

If you have ever laughed maniacally, choked and/or gagged from lack of oxygen, and then fainted dramatically.

If you use diabolical or maniacal at least once a day, Really, they are fun words, muwahahaha.

If you're a person who acts friendly, but has an evil mind and is planning to dominate the world,. (Pfff... I am most definitely not trying to build up and evil army to take over the world... and I am certainly not trying to coerce you into joining... but if you are offering...)

If you have ever had a mad laughing fit over nothing at all.

If you've ever laughed for 10 minutes straight.

If you have ever seen a movie (or show) so many times that you can quote it word for word. And you do at random moments

If you have ever fallen out of your chair backwards.

If you think everyone's out of their mind.

If you are weird, insane, crazy, odd, not-normal, a freak of nature, psychotic, random or anything similar.

If you think that being unique is cooler than being cool.

If you don't watch Laguna Beach or the O.C. or The Hills religiously, never have, never ever will.

If you don't have a MySpace and you don't want a MySpace,

If Fanfiction to you is what MySpace is to other people.

If you have ever crashed into a wall while you were sugar high. (That hole was already there... giggle.)

If you've ever made faces in front of a security camera.

If you've ever done anything incredibly stupid for no apparent reason.

If you and your friend break out into song in a public. (Karoke anyone?)

If you have ever tried to hi-five some body and it has taken over 10 tries to actually slap their hand.

If at one time you misspelled or forgot how to spell a word less than four letters.

If you forgot your phone number when someone asked you for it.

If you are good at annoying people. (Especially on loooooong car journeys.)

If you ever sang the "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" song. (That would be a good one to annoy Edward Cullen with...)

If you ever get a random urge to start screaming.

If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question... more than once.

If you have ever ran up a down escalator. (Multiple times!)

If you think rock paper scissors solves everything.

If you're hyper, like being hyper, and are hyper all the time.

If you throw french fries at birds. (French fries are gross, throwing them at birds is all they are good for... because birds are icky too.)

If you love the rain... and thundrstorms. (Love it, would stand in it all day and forever.)

If you have ever attacked someone with joy. (Oh the fun that is...)

If you would kill to have wings. (Who doesn't want to fly?)

If you've ever tried to lick your elbow even though you knew that it was physically impossible.

If you've ever totally screwed something up so bad it isn't even funny.

If you have ever wondered why the heck Canadians and Americans have to spell 'colour' differently, and use different units of measurement.

If you are aware that so many people nowadays pretend to be someone they're not.

If you can't stand preppy people who talk like this: "I like, can't believe, I like, chipped my manicure!"

If you complain that your feet are cold and your mom tells you to put socks on and you don't just for the sake of being stubborn.

If you are against racism. (We are all the same on the inside...)

If you have ever had a random spazz out moment in the middle of class or a quiet room.

If you have ever shouted out the first thing that comes to mind

If you have ever shouted out random thing and then gotten glared at.

If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now ever your parents are afraid of you because of the results.

If you ever felt like killing someone (or more than one person) because they wouldn't leave you alone when you told them not to distract you because you were busy. (Reading Twilight... stupid people)

If you constantly forget what you're saying or are about to say. (And I mean CONSTANTLY.)

If you ever were told to go somewhere and you forgot why and you had to go back to find out. (Hehehe, all the time...)

If you have ever said something and two seconds later, completely forgot. (See above.)

If you have ever read a 400 pg book in less than one day. (So many books, so little time...)

If you get good grades and still know nothing at all. (Yep, still nothing.)

If you love reading really long books just for the heck of it.

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions.

If you think that writing or reading fanfic stories is fun.

If you have ever cried when your favorite character in a movie, T.V show, or book died.

If you have ever wondered why the heck fanfiction doesn't have colour for profiles.

If you have an odd sort of love/hate relationship with your computer.

If you get way to excited for books, movies, ect. to come out.

If you are writing a book... or more than two...

If you are anti-social sometimes. (I like being a hermit, thank-you.)

If you have your own little world. (My own little world... and universe.)

Boys

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse!

Boys are like slinkies, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

Boys are like purses: cute, full of crap, and always replaceable

Boys are like skateboards, they can go fast but usually there pretty slow.

Boys are like knives, useful but they'll cut you eventually.

All the good ones are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

Guys should be like lattes - rich, strong, and hot.

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made women.

So many boys, so many reasons to stay alone.

Boys are like trees- they take 50 years to grow up.

It was a case of life and death - now that he's dead I have a life.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

Questions
Some things to think about...

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If olive oil comes from olives then where does baby oil come from?

Whose cruel idea was it for the words 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

If a fork were made of gold would it still be called silver ware?

If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?

"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?

Are marbles made of marble?

If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Can you get cornered in a round room?

Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?

Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?

If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?

Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?

Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?

Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?

Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?

Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?

What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?

Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?

How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?

Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?

Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?

Do they have girl's bathrooms in gay bars?

Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?

Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?

Why can't you get a tan on your palms?

Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift not been free?

Which way does a compass point in space?

Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?

Why do all superheroes wear spandex?

If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?

If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?

If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?

Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?

Can bald men get lice?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

Is it animal cruelty to deny the Trix rabbit cereal?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, how can it be good to 'quit while your ahead?'

Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?

When French people swear do they say pardon my English?

If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?

You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to people that work nights?

Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too?" Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

So... what's the speed of dark?

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The 100 Year Old Virgin by CuzEdwardLikesBrunettes reviews
What happens when Emmett and Jasper attempt to get Edward...er...well, you know? Let's just say that bars, clubs, and Rite Aid are places were embarrassment comes easily to Edward. Mildly OOC for fun.M for language, mature humor, and over-all raunchiness
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 6,398 - Reviews: 31 - Favs: 20 - Follows: 32 - Updated: 5/27/2014 - Published: 7/20/2008
Always and Forever by CuzEdwardLikesBrunettes reviews
I lay there, just thinking. About how much I love my angel, what I would do if I ever lost her. I was also awaiting the arrival of my enemy, the one who wanted to take her away from me. As always, morning couldn’t come soon enough... Pre-Eclipse
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 20 - Words: 21,225 - Reviews: 66 - Favs: 27 - Follows: 34 - Updated: 5/27/2014 - Published: 7/25/2007
The Puppet Master by Glitch in the System reviews
What's eating Paul? What's with that flame on the water? What was Laurent doing just standing in Edward and Bella's meadow? Why does Edward care about Mike's car? Why doesn't Alice know about her past? Cammy knows.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Supernatural/Romance - Chapters: 86 - Words: 459,087 - Reviews: 4734 - Favs: 1,898 - Follows: 1,581 - Updated: 12/13/2012 - Published: 3/24/2008
Quiet the Wind by amoretti reviews
What I did not expect was the person who entered the room behind them. My gaze locked with a pair of fathomless coffee black eyes centered between a head of messy brown hair and perfect lips twisted into a scowl. And then Alice collapsed.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Fantasy - Chapters: 14 - Words: 24,381 - Reviews: 48 - Favs: 18 - Follows: 19 - Updated: 11/2/2009 - Published: 12/22/2008
You Grew Up In The 90's If by Aspen-SiredBySpike reviews
A series of ficlets and drabbles based on fads only a real 90's child would admire.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 50 - Words: 10,903 - Reviews: 1443 - Favs: 210 - Follows: 136 - Updated: 8/29/2009 - Published: 11/2/2008 - Complete
Cullenary Educaton: Forks Sex Ed by MarcyJ reviews
Set at the End of Bella's Junior Year. Hilarity ensues when the Forks Gang is forced to endure Sex Education class with Coach Clapp. Chapter 1 is Jasper POV, and each subsequent chapter is from the perspective of a different character.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 6 - Words: 22,726 - Reviews: 2127 - Favs: 3,539 - Follows: 1,649 - Updated: 8/28/2009 - Published: 4/2/2007
Keep Away with the Cullens by piratehannelore reviews
Edward's on edge. Emmett and Jasper can't handle it. So they decide to give Edward a taste of his own medicine...with a game of keep away...with Bella as the prize. What happens when the rest of the family joins in? Reviews please. T for mild language
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 20 - Words: 31,272 - Reviews: 860 - Favs: 459 - Follows: 400 - Updated: 8/23/2009 - Published: 8/28/2008 - Complete
Beautiful Disaster by gracefullyme1025 reviews
It's been a few yrs since Bella's last album, but when she returns to Forks after 40 yrs & meets a certain copper-tone color hair boy she's suddenly inspired to write a song. AU RXEM,AXJ,BXE,CXE Bella's a vampire and Edward's human! Better than sum. R&R!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 43 - Words: 91,872 - Reviews: 527 - Favs: 78 - Follows: 108 - Updated: 8/17/2009 - Published: 4/29/2008
Alone But Not Quite by AshleyMarie2012 reviews
Edward left in New Moon, but only a few weeks later, stubborn little Alice comes back and crashes in on Bella's now miserable life. What happens when she meets Jacob and Edward comes back? What about Charlie? Things just tumble downhill for Bella. DISCONTINUED
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Suspense - Chapters: 23 - Words: 21,280 - Reviews: 225 - Favs: 57 - Follows: 75 - Updated: 6/25/2009 - Published: 11/14/2008 - Alice, Bella - Complete
Reading Between the Lines by Brynna reviews
A collection of Alice/Jasper one-shots.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 38 - Words: 64,783 - Reviews: 2001 - Favs: 785 - Follows: 452 - Updated: 5/25/2009 - Published: 11/19/2008 - Alice, Jasper
Twilight, Edward Style by Edwardsrighthandman reviews
What would Twilight be like if Edward was the human, and Bella the vampire living with the Cullens? What things from the original Twilight story would remain the same? What things would be changed completely? AU. M for a few choice words. Nothing explicit
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Supernatural - Chapters: 25 - Words: 113,896 - Reviews: 314 - Favs: 304 - Follows: 246 - Updated: 5/17/2009 - Published: 11/30/2008 - Edward, Bella
TrickorTreat by My Beloved reviews
Post-Breaking Dawn: This is Renesmee's first Halloween. In fact it is everyone's save Bella and Jacob first Halloween. Trick-or-Treating with the Cullens, what could possibly go wrong?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Fantasy - Chapters: 20 - Words: 54,280 - Reviews: 259 - Favs: 109 - Follows: 72 - Updated: 3/15/2009 - Published: 10/30/2008 - Renesmee C./Nessie, Jacob - Complete
Shadow of a Doubt by Nostalgicmiss reviews
Renesmee Cullens life is perfect. She has an immortal family, a boyfriend that imprinted on her, and a human best friend. When a mysterious new student shows up things start spiraling out of control. Can Nessie keep control? or will her world crash & Burn
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Suspense - Chapters: 43 - Words: 208,143 - Reviews: 705 - Favs: 323 - Follows: 141 - Updated: 3/11/2009 - Published: 12/1/2008 - Renesmee C./Nessie - Complete
Interlaced souls by Dansmabulle reviews
Jasper... no!", but already the ground shrank under my feet and I welcomed darkness almost with relief... So here is the story of Lena, unwillingly thrown into the world of the Cullens. Her own life won't be the only one to meet change.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 10 - Words: 17,088 - Reviews: 32 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 13 - Updated: 3/4/2009 - Published: 1/1/2009
Renesmee's New Life by StarCrossedLovers123 reviews
Renesmee is physically sixteen years old and is in love with Jacob Black. But what happens whens she comes across an unexpected pregnancy. How will she cope. How will Edward react, and what about Jacob. Rated T to be safe. First fanfic so, be nice.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 26 - Words: 15,989 - Reviews: 155 - Favs: 69 - Follows: 42 - Updated: 2/17/2009 - Published: 12/12/2008 - Renesmee C./Nessie - Complete
Fear by Dr. E. Mode reviews
I gasped as I felt pain almost worse than my broken ribs. The pain though was coming from my wrist. My eyes shot open for two seconds. They locked with Jasper’s horrified eyes as his teeth sank into my radial artery and then everything went black.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 31 - Words: 59,472 - Reviews: 257 - Favs: 112 - Follows: 64 - Updated: 2/16/2009 - Published: 12/29/2008 - Jasper - Complete
Cupcakes: The Sequel by Angel Ren reviews
Remember when Bella and Edward make Cupcakes? See Cupcakes, by AngelRen We saw through Bella's eyes, and a bit through Emmett's. But what was Edward thinking the whole time? Now you can find out! Cupcakes: Revisited. Pure Fluffathon. ExB
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 6 - Words: 18,887 - Reviews: 139 - Favs: 142 - Follows: 109 - Updated: 1/17/2009 - Published: 12/9/2007 - Bella, Edward
Knowing by AngharadTheRowan reviews
I have been alive for 108 years, and I still do not know whether God exists. I have a feeling, that if He does – and if I ever meet Him – it’s going to be years before I stop stamping my feet and cussing Him out. - Alice's story, in her own words.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Tragedy - Chapters: 12 - Words: 28,384 - Reviews: 83 - Favs: 47 - Follows: 23 - Updated: 1/12/2009 - Published: 12/12/2008 - Alice, Jasper - Complete
Possession by ssp47 reviews
Jasper: "What do you see?" Alice: "...death..." A planned vacation turns horribly wrong as people fall dead right in the streets of Paris. Now Alice and Jasper team up to save the lives of the humans before they lose their own. Are you prepared to die?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Suspense/Supernatural - Chapters: 10 - Words: 9,967 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 10 - Updated: 1/6/2009 - Published: 8/7/2008 - Jasper, Alice
Cafeteria Repetition by DreamNZ reviews
An oddly familiar conversation catches the ears of the Cullens during lunch in a cafeteria. Now a three-parter.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3,560 - Reviews: 28 - Favs: 16 - Follows: 9 - Updated: 1/2/2009 - Published: 12/6/2008 - Complete
Six Interruptions by Brynna reviews
At some point during their years together, each of the Cullen kids intrude upon one of Carlisle and Esme's intimate moments. This is a look at Carlisle and Esme's long relationship through the lens of those six interruptions.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 6 - Words: 12,531 - Reviews: 619 - Favs: 759 - Follows: 185 - Updated: 12/27/2008 - Published: 11/29/2008 - Carlisle, Esme - Complete
Summer With the Cullens by Holly-Batali reviews
The Cullens are at it once again. Road Trips, summer jobs, fish tanks, and summer camp, Bella is once again caught up in the madness. Whether it's hiking or just watching TV, the Cullens have a knack for trouble. And, as usual, she's right in the middle
Twilight - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 3,882 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 23 - Follows: 21 - Updated: 12/23/2008 - Published: 6/29/2008 - Bella
Edward's Rules Regarding Bella by annikasmommy reviews
The Cullen family has become too comfortable with Bella and Edward decides it's time to lay down some laws for his family to follow so he doesn't have to hurt any of them. Edward's POV rated T for swearing. Please R/R-My first story.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 5,987 - Reviews: 45 - Favs: 51 - Follows: 29 - Updated: 12/19/2008 - Published: 12/10/2008 - Edward, Emmett - Complete
Happy Ending by With The Pigs reviews
A conversation between Emmett and Rosalie after Rosalie talks to Bella in Eclipse. ONESHOT
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,709 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 44 - Follows: 5 - Published: 12/5/2008 - Emmett, Rosalie - Complete
Twilight fanfic: Welcome to a hell known as PSL by Midnitergrl reviews
A purely original Twilight Fanfic. Occurs years after Bella has joined the Cullens. Will contain some mature themes. Bella wants to find Renee, and her search has led her to Florida where the Cullens find a rather unusual human girl.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 11 - Words: 11,700 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 9 - Updated: 12/4/2008 - Published: 4/2/2008
Institution by Salted Top Hat reviews
Imagine a world where the government banned Twilight. "Where we are it's a fairy tale." I laughed, then looked her square in the eye and gave her my most serious look. "But somewhere, Bella and Edward are dancing. I believe that."
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Supernatural/Drama - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,503 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 9 - Published: 11/29/2008 - Bella, Edward
La Tua Cantante's Love by Emmelie Cullen reviews
Emmett was your la tua cantante wasn't he Rose?" Edward whispered. Bella was his singer.. He'd begun to realize how difficult it must have been for Rosalie to resist the most desirable blood to save the one she loved. But, if she could do it. So could he.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 3 - Words: 5,834 - Reviews: 13 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 11/29/2008 - Published: 11/27/2008 - Edward, Rosalie - Complete
Cullen Family Holiday by Nakii-Ilylac reviews
After BD. Carlisle decides to take the family on holiday to Isle Esme. Jacob comes too and there's some rivalry between him and a certain other surprise guest who in his opinion has been spending too much time with Renesmee. Hopefully it's funny!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 6 - Words: 4,529 - Reviews: 38 - Favs: 26 - Follows: 23 - Updated: 11/24/2008 - Published: 11/14/2008 - Renesmee C./Nessie, Bella
Borrowed Angels by Emmelie Cullen reviews
And when I, Rosalie Hale, thought I couldn't envy Bella any more, she told me. Her own tiny baby, lying in her arms. I remember, a long time ago... Emmett and I had borrowed an angel. But, we knew he couldn't stay forever. Heaven needed him back again...
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 8 - Words: 8,286 - Reviews: 22 - Favs: 30 - Follows: 8 - Updated: 11/10/2008 - Published: 11/3/2008 - Complete
Criminal by NiceIceEdward reviews
This is the sequel to "Fallout" If you haven't read that, you may be a little lost with this. Bella continues to struggle with Edward's passionate caution, and it's detrimental effects on Jasper's abilities. A Jasper/Bella fic.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 5 - Words: 11,197 - Reviews: 56 - Favs: 68 - Follows: 25 - Updated: 11/4/2008 - Published: 10/31/2008 - Jasper, Bella - Complete
Candles In The Night by Aspen-SiredBySpike reviews
A series of oneshots for Halloween and October, 2008.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Humor - Chapters: 10 - Words: 3,962 - Reviews: 163 - Favs: 38 - Follows: 26 - Updated: 10/30/2008 - Published: 9/12/2008 - Complete
Redefining Words by Brynna reviews
An Alice and Jasper story about the words that shape their relationship.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,085 - Reviews: 71 - Favs: 146 - Follows: 9 - Published: 9/27/2008 - Alice, Jasper - Complete
Boredom In Biology by whitereflections12 reviews
Set several years post-Breaking Dawn. After you've been through high school several times, biology starts to get really, really boring. And you start looking for other ways to spend the time... EdwardBella, of course.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,130 - Reviews: 180 - Favs: 493 - Follows: 62 - Published: 8/24/2008 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Aftermath by whitereflections12 reviews
Post Breaking Dawn! CarlisleEsme, Esme's POV. There are some things you only realize when you're staring down death. Or, in this case, when you're staring down an army. Set at the end of the field scene, and after. R&R, please! title may change.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 6,064 - Reviews: 61 - Favs: 133 - Follows: 21 - Published: 8/13/2008 - Carlisle, Esme - Complete
The Dark Side of Light by Nostalgicmiss reviews
Eclipse through Alice's Eyes. Alice's soon-to-be-sister and best friend is finally joining the family in every way, what on earth could get in the way?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 22 - Words: 95,978 - Reviews: 158 - Favs: 146 - Follows: 62 - Updated: 6/30/2008 - Published: 6/6/2008 - Alice - Complete
Twister by Angel Ren reviews
Summary: Post James attack, Bella is chilling at Edward's with a bum leg. What does Alice decide to do? Play Twister! Cullen-style! BxE pure fluff! One-shot
Twilight - Rated: K - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,044 - Reviews: 101 - Favs: 268 - Follows: 37 - Published: 6/20/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Sunkissed by Angel Ren reviews
Twilight: Bella goes with Mike to a sunny beach party on the rare cloudless day in Forks. She comes back as red as a strawberry. Edward deals with the mortal predicament in a very... fluffy manner. OneShot! Fluff!
Twilight - Rated: K - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,088 - Reviews: 68 - Favs: 199 - Follows: 28 - Published: 6/12/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Darkest Night by Nostalgicmiss reviews
Alice's Version of New Moon, her voyage of Self Discovery and the vision that changed everything.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 30 - Words: 95,898 - Reviews: 214 - Favs: 141 - Follows: 44 - Updated: 6/6/2008 - Published: 5/14/2008 - Alice - Complete
Through the Eyes of Alice Cullen by Nostalgicmiss reviews
This is the Twilight story through Alice's Eyes
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 26 - Words: 62,049 - Reviews: 216 - Favs: 261 - Follows: 75 - Updated: 5/11/2008 - Published: 4/10/2008 - Alice - Complete
Persephone's Fury by Angel Ren reviews
Rosalie didn't take the news that Bella knows about the vampires very well. How did she take the post-Port-Angeles lunchtime table conversation between Edward and Bella about vampire hunting? Language warning, One Shot.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,618 - Reviews: 70 - Favs: 109 - Follows: 22 - Published: 3/24/2008 - Rosalie - Complete
One Dozen Roses by Angel Ren reviews
Fluff! Again! Twilight, Valentine's Day. Three weeks after the Tyler's Van incident, Bella Swan finds herself on the radar for many a suitor. But who in the world keeps leaving her roses in the most impossible places? BellaEdward Fluffic! Series
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 8 - Words: 21,671 - Reviews: 882 - Favs: 1,456 - Follows: 302 - Updated: 1/18/2008 - Published: 1/7/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Echoes by Angel Ren reviews
The only Christmas to pass in Forks was right in the middle of New Moon. What happened on December 25th? How did Charlie help Bella cope with the sheer agony surrounding Edward's disappearance? Angst oneshot. Critiques adored.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Angst/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,240 - Reviews: 45 - Favs: 51 - Follows: 5 - Published: 12/17/2007 - Bella, Charlie S. - Complete
Glorious by Angel Ren reviews
Summary: Christmas fluff! The only Christmas passed in New Moon, but that's not conduicive to fluff. Edward and Bella play in the snow, but Bella gets cold. Can Edward find a way to warm her up? I'd bet so! Pure ExB Fluff! Oneshot.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,404 - Reviews: 70 - Favs: 198 - Follows: 27 - Published: 12/9/2007 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Cupcakes by Angel Ren reviews
As a class project, everyone has been asked to bring something homemade. Only, Edward can't cook. Bella offers to help. Mix in some Emmett, and there's a recipe for disaster! B&E Fluff
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 13,957 - Reviews: 297 - Favs: 432 - Follows: 95 - Updated: 10/28/2007 - Published: 10/4/2007 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Hot Chocolate by Angel Ren reviews
Sequel to Butterfly Kisses: Is it time for revenge? Edward Cullen, Snowballs, Bella Swan, Snowangels, Vampires and Hot Chocolate! Whatever is a girl to do? Pure Fluff! Note: Set after Eclipse mild spoilers!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 7,346 - Reviews: 85 - Favs: 207 - Follows: 39 - Published: 9/4/2007 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Butterfly Kisses by Angel Ren reviews
Edward mentioned more than once how pleasant Bella's warmth was. Bella began to wonder if a warm bath would feel the same. With a little help from Alice, Bella makes a plan to find out, and rattle the unshakeable Edward Cullen, too. Oneshot. Pure Fluff!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,855 - Reviews: 159 - Favs: 380 - Follows: 68 - Published: 8/3/2007 - Bella, Edward - Complete