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Author has written 9 stories for Twilight.
My Plans for World Domination: (Please proceed with caution.)
Step One: Call the Cows from Planet Mushmush and ask their leader, 'Bob', to bring his dinosaurs and flesh eating ticks. Make sure you promise to make love to 'Bob' when he gets there. Because he won't let his army destroy planets without some sex from the person who wants World Domination. Note: Use Mushmush language. Example: Mush-World Mush-Domination.
Step Two: While the Cows are traveling at the speed of light, hire penguins to build Basketballs of Doom. ...Dun dun dun dun... Note: Make sure the Penguins don't hump each other on the job, their supposed to be producing Basketballs of Doom ...Dun dun dun dun... not more penguins.
Step Three: When the Cows arrive, unleash the Basketballs of Doom ...Dun dun dun dun... on people. Warning: Wear a gasmask because the Basketballs of Doom ...Dun dun dun dun... will explode causing stink bombs to erupt and make people cough and say, 'What's that smell?' for hours.
Step Four: Make love to 'Bob'. Note: Make sure to wrap your mouth around his utters and make him scream your name...oh, and act like you're enjoying yourself, because if 'Bob' thinks you're not, he's going to make you please him until you do.
Step Five: Seduce 'Bob' into being tied up, so when he finally gets tied up and is really, really, really horny, you can leave him there saying, 'Now I can use your army, and you can't masturbate! Ha!' Warning: 'Bob' might make you horny as well. Don't give in! You have a planet to destroy!
Step Six: Once done with 'Bob', take command of his ship and make his army destroy Earth. But, not before you do your evil laugh. Mwahahahaha! Note: Make sure to make it long and hard, and do it over the loud speaker he has sitting next to his computer with porno on it and bag of chips. Laugh and then, press the button to unleash the dinosaurs and flesh eating ticks.
If all else fails: 'Bob' will take you back to Planet Mushmush and you will eat flying tacos and have to give 'Bob' blow jobs for the rest of your life. But on the bright side, at least there will be lickable monkeys!
You have seen my Plans for World Domination which are top secret and cannot be seen by anyone...You must die now or I will have to bomb you first with the Basketballs of Doom ...Dun dun dun dun...
Jessica's got your nose! Haha, just kidding, I actually have your ears! Haha, can't hear me now...wait you couldn't hear me in the first place...yeah so...nevermind...
As you can see, I'm wierd. Proceed with CAUTION because I might offend you with my amawsomeness... Seriously. I'm not joking...
I am an "All American Girl". I have blond hair(with pink stripes in them...WHOO!) and blue eyes, and I absolutely LOVE to have a good time. Wags eyebrows suggestively...any guys in the house, come on, anyone?
I don't usually hate things, but the only thing I hate the most is mature people (Because mature people can't hang with me, I like unicorns and busting out in random dance moves too much), when someone repeats things that I already know (Sheesh, if I already know it, don't say it again!), and a sad person (Or I will have to get my penguins and make them do the Monkey to make you happy again..) You have to be happy no matter what when you are around me (I might have to jump on you and make you smile myself...) If you act a little sad around me, I instantly want to know what happened (Cous I just LOVE to hear stories!), and what I can do to make it better (I'll call the penguins!), and if I have to go head-chopping tonight (More like throwing toilet paper on the persons house and ring the doorbell and RUNNING!). Okay, yeah, I admit it, some times I am depressed (This is true...oh look!, there's Santa Claus! Hey buddy, I was supposed to get PRESENTS this year, not coal! All I did that was bad was throw toilet paper at peoples houses! Sniff sniff, I wasn't a bad girl was I?) but I don't like to see people who are so down-trodden. (Oh. My. Lemons. I just said a big word...YEY ME! Happy Dance.)
If you think you know me now, you don't. HA, EAT THAT APPLESAUCE!
Miss Lemon(that's me!) would like to introduce you to her boyfriend: BROBEE! God, I love him. He's so awesome. He's the only reason I don't go through with my World Domination. Although my friends are in a close second...
I love a person who can make me laugh (Expecially a person who can make anything sound perverted... )I am surrounded by friends who make me laugh (Love you Tati, Laureeses, Cars, and Bubbles! Oh and love you Emma and Mega!). I'm practically laughing all the time. Sometimes I have my friends laughing until they slap me for making them cry. Sometimes I just say something not meaning to be funny, and all of a sudden someone's laughing. (Sheesh people, is my face that funny?) If I didn't have the family and friends who love me like I do now, I don't think I would be on this planet. I'd probably be on Planet Mushmush eating Flying Tacos and giving 'Bob' blow jobs for the rest of my life...
This blonde here is really smart...but I take my high-non average brain and use my smarticalness against my friends. While my friends can't think of double meanings to things, I can and do...which means this here sexy, hot, not-meaning-to-be-funny, blonde is a pervert. Yeah, you guessed it! If you read my Plans for World Domination, you'd notice something along the lines of I'm a total pervert. Yeah. Get used to it. That's why my nickname is Lemon. On this little website, they have practical porno called Lemons. I read them so much that I get called Lemon. And now a legacy is born. LEMON LEGACY THAT IS.
Friends are my life. Nothing else has to be said. (Except that I know that they would help me with World Domination if they could, but they don't know how to speak Mushmush Language.)
I leave LONGGGGGGG reviews. You get me interested in your story, and I like it, I will spend hours worth of typing for one review.
Just ask I.N.J.A. I wrote a review 8,000 characters long for one of her stories once. 'Cause of my amawsome reviewness, Mega I.N.J.A is one of my besties on fanfiction. Everyone of my reviews for her is random, wierd, and funny, yet long. I babble on a lot in her reviews. Just check one out, check her stories out too!...LOVE YA BESTIE!
I don't know how me and Emma RedEnglishRose met, but ever since we did, we send messages back and forth about everything. We've even started a FictionPress for our poems...add me! My FictionPress is the same as my Fanfiction Penname: Jessica Marie Cullen. ADD MEH!! Oh, and ADD RenEnglishRose TOO!...LOVE YA BESTIE!
Now that you've met me, GO CHECK OUT MY BESTEST FRIENDS RedEnglishRose and I.N.J.A. THEY'S AMAWSOME! (amazing and awesome.) LOVE YOU EMMA and MEGA!
LOVE YOU MY LOVES.
So far my Favorite Song this week is:
Colorado Sunrise by 3OH!3...check it out!
My favorite Bands are:
Pink; Muse; 3OH!3; Paramore; Green Day; Evanescence; AC-DC; Black Eyed Peas; Three Doors Down; Danity Kane; Pussy Cat Dolls; Fall Out Boys; The Frey; Cold Play; Foo Fighters; Good Charlotte; My Chemical Romance; Linkin Park; Maroon 5; NickelBack; Panic! At the Disco; U2; The Ting Tings; Matchbox 20; Bowling for Soup; Tokio hotel; The Fray; All American Rejects; The Cast of Rent (Original and non-original)
My favorite Singers are:
Akon; Rihanna; Ti; Beyonce; Kanye West; Cascada; Leona Lewis; Britney Spears; Chris Brown; Cher; Enrique Iglesias; Fergie; Gwen Stefani; Ice Cube; Kelly Clarkson; Nelly Fertado; Taylor Swift; Wyclef Jean; Prima J; Ludacris; Mary J Blidge; EMMY ROSSUM; Katy Perry; Eminem; The Veronicas; Kid Cudi; Lil Wayne
I like any kind of music. I will listen to anything and everything you throw to me. (Doesn't nessesarily mean I'll like it.) :)
Wierd things about me. (There's a lot...)
I'm plotting World Domination, anyone want to help?
I, unlike many people, call Ketchup, Tomato Paste.
I also call mayo "the white stuff" which, if you have a perverted mind like me, you'd catch my drift. (Grins evilly.)
I can push down with my hand and make my whole shoulder blade pop out. My friends say it makes me look like I have an extra pair of boobs on my back, and they say I might have a better chance in getting guys because I have an extra pair of boobs. But seriously, I freak people out sometimes with my shoulder blades and it's even more fun when I do it in the presence of a guy.
Bread, to me, is called "The outside of a sandwich". You don't like it, go stuff some out side of a sandwich up your -. Ok, I'mma stop now.
If you haven't noticed, I like to call things different names. Like, for instance, I call hotdogs "Hotpigs" because SERIOUSLY, "hotdogs" are made out of pigs so, why not call them "Hotpigs"? I proove my point.
My favorite cuss word hands down is shit. I say it all the time. It's one of the best words in the dictionary!
Oh, I'm writing a dictionary. No, not a regular dictionary, I'm making up words on my own. I.N.J.A. is also helping me out with the words in my dictionary...we are calling it the Mega(that's her nickname...) Lemon(That's me! Whoo!) Dictionary or MLD. A sample of some words we have are "LMGOing till my HFO", which means Laughing My Guts Out till my Heart Falls Out. Yeah don't ask. Another word is "Lookist". It's a person who is prejudice toward the way someone looks. You my friend have had a look at the MLD, a major secret, now you must die...no I'm just playing.
I can't choose between anything. Litteraly. You ask me to choose red or pink for lipgloss and I will say both or neither, or I just can't decide. None of my teachers at school choose me to be a judge because I CAN'T CHOOSE. Wierd huh? I know!
That's another thing...I talk to myself. Sometimes I argue with myself, and sometimes I loose. Me never gets tired of it...you get it? Myself always wins because I always loose and me loves watching the fight? Ha! That's good stuff.
I am a pervert. Although I find that not so wierd...If you say "That hurts" I will litterally bust out laughing because, if you have a perverted mind like me, you'd catch what I'm talking about. There's this song called "Discovery Channel" by BloodHound Gang...and the words are: You and me Baby ain't nothin' but mammels, so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel. You get it right? (most of my perverted friends do.)
Lemons, to me, are amazing. I love them...and that's saying something. But the wierd thing is, I DON'T know why they call them lemons in the first place, and still I like them. And the other wierd thing is...my friends now officially call me Lemon because all I do is talk about lemons...
My favorite kind of car is Eclipse, though I've never seen one in person. Wierd, I know.
If I could rule the world for one week I'd probably sleep until 12 and eat Sour Patch Kids until I can't stand up straight any more. Then I'd ride a bunch of rides at all the amuzement parks and make everyone get out of the way for MOI! I'd have a bunch of people propose to me, and then I'd say no the whole time...no I'm just kidding I'm not that mean, but the Sour Patch Kids and the Amuzement Park thing I would do...
My friends and I call ourselves the Twilighters, and we are PROUD.
Me, and Taty, one of my friends has this thing where we call people. (only guys.) The thing is, you gotta see them, and instead of saying, "Ooh, he's cute," you have to say immediately, "I call HIM!" The thing is, you gotta be ontop of your game. If your watching a show, and you call the guy, and you just mean the actor, you gotta call the actor, not just the character, or you get the character, not the sexy actor playing him. Trust me, we've had some tiffs here and there. Once she called Edward Westwick and now I'm totally pissed because, because of him, I have to take cold showers daily. Damn Taty and her awesome dude calling skills...yeah, I know, that sould really wierd, but hey, that's why this paragraph is on the "wierd things about me" list.
Like someone called my name, if anyone says "Twilight" I will turn my head in their direction, and say "What"?
I'm random. Nothing has to be said about why that is wierd. (Bark if you're my dawgs...whoof whoof...OOOOOH UNICORNS! WHOO!)
And just to put it mildly, I'm wierd all over. Everyone says I'm wierd, but I say everyone else are all the same. I mean seriously, if your calling ME wierd, you're doing what everyone else is doing is wierder. You catch my drift?
And to sum that up, I love being called wierd too. I would love it if anyone were to PM me and say your wierd. It makes me happy. ANYONE calling me that gives me the giddies (new word alert) and I would probably thank you for your services if you were to add to my already cool naming charity which at the moment is thriving...
Here's a poem that would have been the poem of my life, but I no longer like the person that this poem was based off of so here it is, and it no longer has a "dedication" of some sorts...
Jealousy by Jessica Marie Cullen
If you can relate to this poem, please repost this in your profile with my name on it.
If you love Edward repost this
If you love Twilight repost this
If you love Stephanie Meyer's books repost this
If you are going to to go see the Twilight movie on the first day repost this
If you've never been to a movie the first day it comes out but plan to for Twilight repost this
If you plan to bring a paper bag to New Moon repost this
If you've written countless fanfictions in the hope to keep your fandom occupied while waiting for NEW MOON THE MOVIE GASP repost this
Raise your hand if you're going to reread every Twilight book before the movie and stay up till midnight waiting for the movie and book
Ha I got you! I said raise your hand!
I didn't say Simon says..HA!
Kidding!..Or am I?
Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're one of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile.
92 percent of American teens would die if Orlando Bloom told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this in your profile if you would be in the 8 percent laughing your butt off.
HOMOPHOBIA IS STUPID!!
I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday.
THAT'S FUCKED UP! IF YOU BELIEVE HOMOPHOBIA IS WRONG...REPOST THIS.
Things that get on my last nerves.
1). People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2). People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3). When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4). When people say 'It's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking for it after you've found it?
5). When people say, while watching a film, 'Did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid 8 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6). People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7). When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, it couldn't be new.
8). When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9). When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came, would I still be standing here? I don't think so.
copy and paste this
If you plan to name your kids Alice, Jasper, Edward, Bella, Rosalie, or Emmett copy and paste this into your profile
"Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? I just want to know who the hell is drinking my damn soda"
I learned how to do sign language so you don't know what I am saying for all you know I could be saying "Hey you ugly! Get me my drink!"
If a guy asks you out and you compare him to Edward, Emmett, or Jasper copy and paste this.
Good friends will help you move, BEST FRIENDS will help you move a dead body
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."
Thanks Stephenie now I will NEVER get a man.
Edward Cullen I love you! Oops! Did I say that out loud?
If you have music in your soul, post this in your profile!
Good friends will say you can do better, BEST FRIENDS will call him up and say "You have seven days..."
If you cried when Edward left Bella in New Moon copy and paste this onto your profile. (I totally cried when I read it, I even went ahead to see if Edward was coming back even though there was still 2 books to go.)
If you are driving and you see a Volvo and you start screaming "Edward take me with you!" copy and paste this. (I do that EVERYTIME.)
"Good friends ask why you're crying, BEST FRIENDS already have the shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry."
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile.
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
When people don't laugh at our jokes we don't think of it as a "You had to be there." type of thing. But more like a "You have to be mentally retarded like us." type of thing.
Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch slap them upside the head.
When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back.
Music is like candy. You HAVE to throw the rappers out. End of story.
If you don't like me, there is nothing I can do. Here's a newsflash Honey, I don't live to please you!
A friend gives you their umbrella in the rain. A best friend takes yours and says, "RUN, FORREST RUN!"
A friend wipes your tears when your rejected. A best friend goes up to him and says, "It's because your gay isn't it?"
I'm the girl who isn't dancing, just jumping up and down screaming the lyrics. (That is totally me!)
I'm the girl that if you call my friend a brat I WILL say something.
I'm the girl that walks like I am proud even if I have toilet paper stuck on my shoes. (If someone were to tell me I had toilet paper on my shoes I'd keep it there.)
I'm the girl that you don't wanna be on her bad side, cous then I'd make you cookies!
I'm the girl that doesn't take crap from anyone.
BUT I'm also the girl that carries a book in her purse.
I'm the girl that wears jeans to the dance.
I'm the girl that no one knows her name, for good or bad and I like it that way.
I'm the girl who acts shy one second and the next I will be laughing like an idiot.
I'm the girl that people call "Bitch" and "Freak" "Mean" and "Weird" but I take that as a compliment. (That is totally me)
I'm the girl that doesn't have normal hobbies. I read and I write.
I'm the girl that hasn't been asked out at all. (Yet...)
I'm the girl who isn't a people person but I am when it comes to friends.
I'm the girl who laughs at herself, even when others find what she did immature and not funny.
I'm also the girl they all call "best friend."
25 Reasons Why I Owe My Mother
1. My mother taught me: TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
2. My mother taught me: RELIGION.
3. My mother taught me: TIME TRAVEL.
4. My mother taught me: LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me: MORE LOGIC.
6. My mother taught me: FORESIGHT.
7. My mother taught me: IRONY.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
9. My mother taught me: CONTORTIONISM.
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11. My mother taught me: WEATHER.
12. My mother taught me:HYPOCRISY.
13. My mother taught me: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
15. My mother taught me: ENVY.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING.
18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19. My mother taught me: ESP.
20. My mother taught me: HUMOR.
21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22. My Mother taught me: Genetics
23. My Mother taught me about my Roots.
24. My Mother taught me: Wisdom
25. My mother taught me about Justice.
Two girls were looking through MySpaces.
The girl slowly came upon this one
It had creatures in the background and the man
She started laughing with her friend commenting on how ugly he was.
Right then, an instant message came up.
SatanStalker: So how do u like my
XxLoVemExX: Who is this anyway??
SatanStalker: Well, you should know;
XxLoVemExX: How do you know that im looking at ur pro??
SatanStalker:I know when people look at my MySpace.
XxLoVemExX: What? That doesnt make
SatanStalker: I just do.
Satanstalker: Especially to pretty girls like you.
Satanstalker: With very nice legs I might say.
At the time the girl was wearing high
She started to pull them down a little bit to cover what
XxLoVemExX: Ok whatever man youre starting to scare the living sht out of me.
SatanStalker: You should be afraid.
SatanStalker: You wouldnt want an ugly guy like me touching your legs huh? I mean thats what you
They were in shock.
Her friend: Holy crap man just block him
The girl: Ok holy crap, you think hes
SatanStalker: I am.
SatanStalker: Well it wouldnt really
XxLoVemExX: What? My house?
SatanStalker: Yeah, youre alone so its
XxLoVemExX: Ok I think Im going to leave now because youre freaking me out.
SatanStalker: Your screen name says
SatanStalker has just signed off.
The girl and her friend were really
friend: Whatever lets just go upstairs trust me I doubt hes really coming. Its just a joke from someone.
They went upstairs and were having a pillow fight.
All of a sudden the girls friend said she had to go to the bathroom. The girl said ok.
Ten minutes later the girl noticed that her friend was
She goes and knocks but no one said
she opens it and finds her friend there on
her neck sliced with blood all over the ground. with her head nailed to the wall. Just her head.
If you do not repost this in the next two
one in your room, and one killing your parents at that
Tonight at 1:30am. Well what are you waiting for?
Repost or you are going to die.
So I hoped you liked my profile, and I know, it's long, but hey who DOESN'T have a long profile of themself? (pshhh a lot of people) If you scroll down a little more, you will see the stories I have wrote! Please read them, and if you don't, that's ok too. And sorry for the way I ended on a bad note. I actually think I'll make it more happier...FLYING TACOS! okay, everything's better...
-Jessica Marie Cullen Lemon!
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