Author has written 2 stories for Harry Potter.
Personal details: you only need to know I'm old. Like, well beyond 50. And male. And a geek. I think that should cover it.
a BIG thank you to...
A BIG thank you to JKR for making such a mess of the last few books, and especially that epilogue; I firmly believe the huge number of HP fanfics is mostly down to that. People are left feeling so... unsatisfied? uncomfortable? whatever... that they want to read/write something more sensible to feel good again and get the taste out of their mouth, so to speak. (Personally, I believe that books 5-7 were ghost written on her behalf; no one who wrote the brilliant books 1-3 could have been responsible for at least 6-7.)
Favourite AuthorsRobst -- awesome plots with interesting twists, always explores new territory, nothing clichÃd or hackneyed about his plot details, always Harmony. ApAidan -- writes some of the most intelligent and cerebral fics. Always Harmony, generally hates Ron (yaay!), and Luna has good roles. Usually short fics, but well worth every electron! Chem Prof -- same class as Robst; perhaps a bit more sedate in pace, a bit more naughty (but it's Harmonaughty (did I invent a new word?) so that's OK!) (more to come...)
Hardcore Harmonian here, so the first one is obvious. The rest:H/Tonks and H/Luna are ok, as is H/Fleur H/Daphne, though very popular in fanon, always seems forced and unnatural to me, unless it happens long after Hogwarts when they're adults.
This is true for many others also, though I will often read them if the plot otherwise sounds interesting. H/Ginny is a complete no-no.
Hr/Ron -- uggh; that rubbish is Just Krazy. Really!
Characters I likeHermione first Harry of course Tonks is good Hedwig, Dobby, and Sirius are my top "why did you have to kill them?" characters (aside: Ron is my top "why is he still alive" from the light side!) Luna is terrific. Almost every ff author makes her out to be (a) funny or (b) weirdly clairvoyant, or (c) both. And many of them do such a fantastic job of writing her dialogs... For example, 9166793's portrayal of Luna's press interviews (for those who read it: Lord Knufflebunny!) is totally awesome!
Characters I HATE
Dumbledore is top of the list. I think he's the real villain in HP. Doctors say hypertension is the "silent killer". In the same vein, I call Dumbledore the "smiling killer". There is literally no punishment on earth that I feel he does not deserve. If there's anything left over, give it to Snape :)
Snape is next. My wife and daughter think he's a hero and great and all that. I suspect they're just confusing Snape with Alan Rickman, who was indeed a great and very suave-looking actor.
Oh and I hate Dumbledore... did I say that yet?
The rest, in list form:Malfoys Dumbledore Umbitch the guy who had to use phoenix-transport to evade arrest at the end of 5th year Skeeter that chief warlock guy Dung Dung's boss in the Order Fudge the supreme mugwump chap Ron (though some fics do a good job of making him seem ok) Ginny
Things I like in fan fictionclever plots, like ApAidan's stuff for shorts, and Robst's for longer fics. (If I had a philosopher's stone I'd give it to Robst -- may he live forever to give us more and more awesome fics!) super!Harry, or super!Hermione time travelling Hermione helping Harry time travelling Harry (i.e., redos). I especially like stories that are responding to the classic Reptilia28 challenge. smart/cunning Harry getting one over on Dumbles and the rest of the people I hate. Funny ways to do it are good. Poetic justice is also good! (semi-fluff/short) Harry helps Hermione put one over on her nasty relatives or her pre-Hogwarts "friends" who think she's useless, ugly, etc.
Things I hate in fan fictionbad English: spelling, grammar, etc. The more trivial the mistake, the more I hate it ("there" vs "their" vs "they're" type stuff is the worst of the lot, unless the author is obviously a non-native speaker of English) immature, childish plots overlong A/Ns A/Ns that start with "So there you have it." Every. Single. F-ing. Chapter! Uggh... A/Ns that basically summarise what happened in the chapter. Lately, when I see that in a couple of chapters, I have started to skip reading the story in favour of reading the A/Ns. good Snape or Malfoys. Rarely fun to read, and IMO quite unrealistic. A Snape who's made out to be good had better go AU before 3rd year (i.e., before Snape was shown drooling at the prospect of Sirius being kissed). Draco being redeemed is borderline realistic enough to take, but Lucius -- no f-ing way! smut. Don't get me wrong, I am a "red-blooded male". I just don't like seeing it on this site. There are other sites much more suited to that, like "liter o tic a com" (remove spaces, insert dot at easy-to-guess place), if you're into that. slash. I am OK with off-screen slash between two of the good guys (like Sirius/Remus for example), but not if Harry is one of the pair. On-screen slash is completely off-putting (my favourite analogy to explain this is: think of it like your parents having sex -- it's not wrong but does that mean you want to hear/read about it?) It doesn't help that there appears to me to be a huge correlation between slash, and immature, slap-dash writing with either very little plot or a totally outrageous plot involving large doses of deus ex machina. And there's a special place in hell for HP/LV or HP/TR slashers. May you suffer the pain of a thousand crucios. In each... how do I put this delicately? aah yes... in each "aperture". Once a minute. For eternity!
Minor irritantsconfusing legilimency and occlumency "Private Drive" instead of "Privet Drive"
By right she should be taken out and hung, for the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue -- Rex Harrison as Prof Henry Higgins, in 'My Fair Lady'.
(But then again, as Higgins says at the end of that song, "Use proper English and you're regarded as a freak", so I guess I am the freak here!)"dorm-mates" spelled "doormats" (3132840) Freudian slip? "His love for your parents over road his command sense" (11489372) "and as for Remus, Cassy has curried him." (11489372). Of course, according to the author, Ron made that statement, and we all know he is obsessed with food, so don't blame the poor author for converting "cured" into "curried".
The "million monkeys" theory and winners
There is a theory that states that if a million monkeys were put on a million typewriters, eventually you'd get the complete works of Shakespeare. Does that sound ridiculous to you? Well, Shakespeare maybe long odds, but ffn certainly seems a bit more likely.
The winners (so far):9543411 -- for random use Of the caps Lock key and the. Period. Try as I might, I could Not detect any. Pattern to this, which Is Why it Fits the. Monkey Theory
Continuing the theme of monkeys, you might be an illiterate baboon if:
another thing coming (another think coming) Daily Profit (Daily Prophet) defiantly (definitely) -- this one is all over the bloody place I swear; it's like an f-ing infection because I've seen some otherwise good authors succumb to it. No idea why it is so special! makes since (makes sense) manor (manner) and vice versa once and a while (once in a while) regiment of potions (regimen of potions). This one is a classic; I picture a thousand or more potion bottles marching down the street! should of (should have) statue of secrecy (statute of secrecy) they're/there/their; sadly, these are all too common to all intensive purposes (to all intents and purposes) viscously (viciously). But I must say that reading "Neville spat viscously" in some fic made me laugh. For a millisecond. waived (waved), or vice versa
- English is your first language, AND
- you are not visually impaired (i.e., you don't use voice recognition software to write, or screen reader software to read), AND
- you consistently make one or more of the following errors (I say "consistently" to distinguish them from simple typos or human error):
These errors, seen consistently, often make me stop reading, since I am not Tarzan of the Apes and cannot understand baboon talk.