"Fine, take your banana!"
When life gives you lemons make lemonade.
When life gives you lemons make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
When life gives you lemons alter their DNA and make super lemons.
When life gives you lemons go out and buy vodka.
When life gives you lemons say, "Lemons? I like lemons. What else have you got?"
When Life gives you lemons throw them back and shout, "I said APPLES!! I hate lemonade!!"
"I'm allergic to flour. I'm allergic to ocean water...and dental floss. I'm also allergic to air!"
Officer, I swear to drunk I'm not God!
Sometimes I wonder, "Why is the Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed- cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
If at first you don't succeed, look around and find out who is trying to sabotage you with telepathic interference. It is someone you know. (WTNV)
If at first you don't succeed, then you will have alerted them to your presence. It is important that you at first succeed.
"A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking."
"At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass for free and charge five dollars for the refill. It contained the antidote."
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
"Don't criticize my mess unless you'd like to become a part of it."
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by..
I didn’t say that it was your fault…I said I was going to blame you.
Copying from a single source is called plagarism, copying from multiple source is called research.
"Maybe this world is another planet's hell."
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target."
Do not run in the school hall. Gliding is more fun.
I had a friend once. Then the rope broke and he got away.
I like you. When I rule the world, your death shall be quick and painless.
Isn't it funny that the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
Always forgive your enemies- nothing annoys them as much.
Of course it's in the last place you look for it. Why in hell would you keep looking for it if you've already found it!?
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
The problem with political jokes is that very often they get elected.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Did you just call me a bitch? Well a bitch is a dog, and dogs bark, bark is on trees, trees are part of nature and nature is beautiful. So yeah, thanks for the compliment.
You cry, I cry; you laugh, I laugh; you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.
There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world; those who know binary, and those who don't.
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
If your heart was really broken...you'd be dead, so shut up.
Taste the rainbow- eat CRAYONS!
"Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the night sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?!
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
I'm not ALWAYS late. Sometimes I don't show up.
You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Remember what you just said, because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and you'll be devastated then!
If you're a serial killer, GET THE HECK AWAY FROM ME. If you're a cereal killer, GET THE HECK AWAY FROM MY CHEERIOS.
Be a loser! Because being cool is sooo overrated!
I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.
I don't obsess! I think intensely.
Dear heart, I met a
My knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminium foil.
If annoyed further, I shall bring death upon you with my lovely cheese grater.
I'm the kind of girl who will burst out laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.
I don't have anything against work. I just figure, why deprive somebody who really loves it?
"Stab with sharp object to open."
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
“Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.”
“To live is the rarest thing; most people only exist.”
“Evil is just another human invention.”
“Hello. This is your life speaking. You have no idea what you're doing. Do you?”
Our survival requires bold, decisive, visionary leadership. So basically we’re all screwed.
The future is merciless and inescapable, and barreling towards me at 60 minutes an hour.
"There will come a day when you have lost all hope. There will come a day when all is gone and forgotten in your life. There will come a day when you no longer have the will to survive. There will come a day when you have nothing, when you are hungry, homeless, penniless and miserable. There will come a day when you are depressed and forlorn, when the world is nothing but a flat plain of suffering and you are just a shell of a former person. And when that day does come...I'll be there to make it worse."
"I once had a life. Now I have a computer."
"Ah, fanfiction dot net. A place for writers and people who think that they're writers."
Dehydration is thirsty work.
I'm not superstitious- it brings bad luck.
"People want to know why I write such gross stuff. I tell them I have the heart of a small boy- and I keep it in a jar on my desk." (Stephen King)
I want to do that thing when you put a map of the world on your wall and put pins in all the places you've been to. But first I'll have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it doesn't fall down.
Whose cruel idea was it for the words 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes.
You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.
Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
This is my clone. I'm actually someplace else having a much better time.
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up to much space.
La la la la I can't hear you.
Caution: does not play well with others.
Ask me if I care...
Everyone has a wild side- me and my friends just prefer to make ours public.
Haha. I don't get it.
Have fun, laugh at things that aren't funny, and make a huge loser of yourself in public.
I was going to take over the world but then I got distracted by something shiny.
Yeah, I'm a loser, but I’m the coolest loser you’ll ever meet!
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Be nice to your kids. They choose your nursing home.
Multi tasking; screwing up several things at once.
Break my heart? I'll break your neck!
Don't drink and drive; you might spill the drink.
Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
Why be difficult, when, with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
If you can keep your head while other people are losing theirs, you probably don't fully understand the situation.
They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth I get sent to my room?
I will temporarily rule the world, forever.
Don't worry about the world ending today, it's already tomorrow in Australia. Unless you're in Australia; then start worrying.
The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.
If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
I want revenge. Is that so wrong?
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
The problem with reality is a lack of background music.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away but only if you throw hard enough.
I laugh in the face of death. Maybe not laugh- more like a snicker. A quiet snicker, and I wouldn't do it directly in death's face. So it's more like a quiet snicker behind death's back.
Rules are like paperclips: meant to keep things together, fun to bend, and easily twisted out of shape.
Step one is learning the ropes, step two is chewing through them.
"My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marshmellows and flirting with the firemen."
Friends are the people who are willing to ignore the faults they see in you. Best friends are the ones unfortunate enough to know all of them, and stupid enough to put up with you anyway.
Home is where you stop running.
We're too young to realise that certain things are impossible. So we will do them anyway...
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
I had a thought but it got lonely and went away.
It's okay to talk to yourself, it's okay to ask yourself questions, it's even okay to answer those questions. Just don't ever ask yourself a question and then go "huh?"
My train of thought got derailed.
Knowledge is power. . . power corrupts. . . study hard. . . BE EVIL!
Your talking is getting in the way of my telling you to shut up.
It's strange, isn't it? You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said he would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
If you had everything, you wouldn't have anywhere to put it.
Who died and made you Darth Vader?!
Why is it that reality constantly ignores my imagination?
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
One day we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
I'll decide when I want to grow up.
Did you say exercise? Or accessorize?
There's more to boxing than hitting. There's not getting hit, for instance.
When you're cooking Italian food, the pastabilitlies are endless.
I don't get even; I get odder.
Having the world's best idea will do you no good unless you act on it. People who want milk shouldn't sit on a stool in the middle of a field in the hope that a cow will back up to them.
I dialled a wrong number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but I thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes right now in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
If you see a dollar on the footpath, pick it up. Something valuable may be under it.
Find inner peace? I looked; it wasn't there.
“Addiction: Being abnormally tolerant to and dependent on something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming.”
Why do we kill people who kill people to show people that killing people is wrong?
It's not about right. It's not about wrong. It's about power.
The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.
“All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.”
What about never? Is never a good time for you?
If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em. If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em. If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em. If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em. If ya can't kill 'em, you're screwed.
Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to.
Procrastinate now, don't put it off.
I smile because I have no idea what's going on.
Everything here is edible. I'm edible but that, my children, is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
I plan on living forever...so far so good.
Education is important; school however, is another matter.
"Life is empty and so is the fridge."
I can resist everything except temptation.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Never do anything you don’t want to explain to the paramedics.
If it wasn’t for physics and law enforcement I’d be unstoppable.
Life isn't passing me by- it's trying to run me over!
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? I just want to know who the hell is drinking my damn water.
The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be.
I ran with scissors, and lived!
I run with scissors; it makes me feel dangerous.
Ha ha! I'm running with scissors. Ow, my eye.
The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
In man's struggle against the world, bet on the world.
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What should I eat, someone else's cake instead?
Firefighter: At one point we decided to fight fire with fire... Well ...basically... your house burned even faster.
Some people live life in the fast lane - I live in oncoming traffic.
'Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get stuck in jet engines.'
I am convinced of the validity of contradiction. There are many worlds. Each is true, at its time, in its own fashion.
"Stand up for what you believe in, even if you stand alone"
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatsoever to do with it.
I hate life, I hate death and everything in between just doesn't interest me.
Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.
The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less.
If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression.
He is YOUR god, they are YOUR rules, and YOU will burn in hell.
Nostalgia? Revenge is a form of nostalgia, right?
That's it, no more free will.
Every cloud has a silver lining (except for the mushroom shaped ones, which have a lining of Iridium & Strontium 90).
Due to circumstances within my control, tomorrow will be cancelled.
Due to recent cutbacks and until further notice, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
Whenever you eliminate the inedible, whatever remains, however unpalatable, must be food.
I've given up the search for reality; now I'm just looking for a good fantasy.
Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
When you check out, if spent shell casings aren't littered around your feet, you didn't check out right.
If you can't say anything nice, then at least have the decency to be vague.
Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.
Credit is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
If you're one in a million there are six thousand people exactly like you.
"Obstruction of justice? No sir, we prefer to think of it as 'avoiding complications'."
Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses, you build this whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul hurt, a body hurt, a real gets inside you and rips you apart pain. I hate love. (Neil Gaiman)
How glorious it is - and also how painful - to be an exception.
Life... is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctoral gift that no one ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So, you're stuck with mostly indefinable whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down when there's nothing else to eat while you're watching the game. Sure, once in a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee but it's gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. In the end, you are left with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts, which, if you are desperate enough to eat, leaves nothing but an empty box of useless brown paper.
The key to happiness is self-delusion. Don't think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion.
Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and just before you realize what’s wrong with it.
Sleep is actually a good substitute for coffee.
The hard I do immediately. The impossible takes a little bit longer.
Hello, you have reached my automated answering service. Your call will be answered in the order in which it was received. Your call is number 5293, please hold, your call is important to us.
Hi, I'm probably here, I'm just avoiding someone I don't want to talk to. Leave a message and if I don't IM you back, well, what can I say?
"The philosophy exam was a piece of cake - which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper."
If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs, have you considered becoming a guillotine operator?"
I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
The rain, it raineth on the Just and the Unjust fella. But chiefly on the Just, because the Unjust steals the Just's umbrella.
That which does not kill me had better run pretty damn fast.
Tonight's weather: dark, continuing mostly dark tonight, leading to widely scattered areas of light in the morning.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
"Of course it wasn't convincing. That 60-slide PowerPoint presentation wasn't to convince people. It was to break their will."
I've used up all my sick days, so now I'm calling in dead.
When Obama tells his children to clean their rooms, he ends with, "I'm Barack Obama and I approve this message!"
I call you squishy and you shall be mine. You will be my squishy!
Dear Math; I'm not a therapist. Solve your own problems.
Dear Algebra, stop sending me to look for your X. She's not coming back.
I stopped fighting my inner demons. We're on the same side now.
We are NOT nerds; we prefer the term INTELLECTUAL BADASS.
I’m not deaf, I’m just ignoring you.
Hello, you have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection. To lie about your child's absence, press 1. To make excuses for why your child did not do their homework, press 2. To complain about what we do, press 3. To swear at staff members, press 4. To ask why you didn't get information that has already been enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers, press 5. If you want us to raise your children, press 6. If you wish to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, press 7. To request another teacher for the third time this year, press 8. To complain about bus transportation, press 9. To complain about school lunches, press 0.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is the people who have come alive." (Howard Thurman)
Somebody lost a nickel in the logic machine.
Do you ever feel guilty about killing someone?
What is this 'guilty' you speak of? Is it delicious?
"Today we will be having a test."
What? You can't use that as your battle cry.
Why not? You have one.
Mine is for nobility, honour and a deceased yet no longer forgotten people.
Mine is for ponies.
The Morse Code
Election - Results
A Decimal Point
Eleven Plus Two
Quotes from Fullmetal Alchemist:
Edward Elric: "WHO ARE YOU CALLING A RUNT SO TINY THAT HE CAN ONLY BE SEEN WITH A MAGNIFYING GLASS, YOU JERK!!"
Edward Elric: "DON'T CALL ME SMALL! I'LL BREAK OFF YOUR FEET AND STICK 'EM ON YOUR HEAD!!"
Edward Elric: "Great! I buy you a wrench and you try to KILL me with it!"
Maes Hughes: "Look! Can you believe how big Elysia's gotten? She can even ride a tricycle now! She follows me everywhere on that thing like my own escort of cuteness!"
Quotes from Doctor Who:
Rose: “Doctor, they've got guns.”
Doctor: “There's an old Earth saying, Captain. A phrase of great power and wisdom and consolation to the soul in times of need: ALLONS-Y!!!” -The End of Time Part 2
Detective: “Start from the beginning; tell me everything you know.”
Doctor: "People assume that time is a strict progression of cause-and-effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective point of view, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbily...timey-wimey...stuff." - Blink
Doctor: "This is my timey-wimey detector; goes ding when there's stuff. Also, it can boil an egg at 30 paces, whether you want it to or not, actually, so I've learned to stay away from hens. It's not pretty when they blow." –Blink
Doctor: "I'll just step inside this police box... and arrest myself."-Easter Special
"Everybody knows that everybody dies, and no one knows it like the Doctor. But I think all the stars of all the worlds might just go dark if he ever, for one moment, accepts it."
Copy and Paste
Cheese- it makes the world go round. if you love cheese, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.
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If you've your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.
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If Fanfiction to you is what MySpace is to other people, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever seen a boy and girl hugging and were tempted to scream, "NO! DON'T DO IT! SHE'LL FIND OUT ABOUT THE CURSE!", copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever attempted alchemy by drawing a transmutation circle or clapping your hands, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you believe pollution should be punishable by death, copy and paste this into your profile.
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If you have a true friend, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you hate those irritating mosquitos giving you mosquito bites, copy and paste this into your profile.
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If you love rain, copy and paste this into your profile.
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If you like scaring people, copy and paste this onto your profile.
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If you think that being unique is cooler than being cool, copy and paste this into your profile.
Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know what to call someone. Weird is the same as different which is the same as unique, so weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.
If your day isn't complete until you've terrified a complete stranger, copy and paste this into your profile.
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If you were ever leaning against a door and it opened and you fell, copy and paste this into your profile.
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If you’ve ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this into your profile.
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If you randomly quote stories in public and you are acutely aware of it but you do it anyway, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you know what you want to be when you grow up, but hate it when people ask you and talk like it's rocket-science, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have a tendency to talk to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever read the dictionary because you were bored, copy and paste this into your profile.
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If you didn't know the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star had the same tune, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have more than 100 books in your room, copy and paste this into your profile.
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If your friends give you odd looks for being yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you give your friends equally odd looks for being themselves, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if you peeled an M&M, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you’ve ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you laugh at the silliest things, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever had a really bad day, gone and read fanfiction and someone has had a story that somehow made it all seem a little better, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you probably need a life but have no intentions of getting one, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you think you have too many of these "copy and paste this into your profile" things but have no intention of stopping now, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you’ve ever wondered who made up all of the “copy and paste this into your profile” things, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you enjoy copying and pasting these copy and paste things, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you're putting this in your profile only for entertainment purposes and to make your profile longer then it already is because that's just plain awesome, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you took the time to read all of these, copy and paste this into your profile.