Here are some random things:
I do not suffer from insanity. I enjoy every moment.
I can only please on person per day. Today is not your day, and tomorrow does not look good either.
Roses are red, violets are blue, what the hell am I doing talking to you?
I know how you feel. I just don't care.
Hating you makes me feel warm inside.
Plotting revenge is fun.
School prepares you for the real world, which sucks.
It's ok if you want to drop dead.
I'm not mean, you're just a sissy.
I did what they say and chose the road less traveled... Now where the hell am I?
I smile because I have no idea what's going on!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
All the good ones are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away (if well aimed).
I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers. (Stupid psychiatrist. :P )
Slinky Escalator = Endless fun!
"What you're looking for is always in the last place you look" (Me: Well, DUH, smart one! After you find it, you stop looking!)
People who say "nothing's impossible" have never tried slamming a revolving door.
You're just jealous because the voices in my head talk to me and not you.
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
Anyone giving away a knight in shining armor? Mine turned out to be a loser in tin foil.
I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Forget scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that stuff up in two seconds. That's why when I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you".
RULES FOR LIFE AT HOGWARTS
1) Seamus Finnigan is not after my lucky charms.
2) "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
3) I will not sing "We're Off to See the Wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.
4) I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
5) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
6) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.
7) Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
8) First years are not allowed to be fed to Fluffy.
9) I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "Time of the Month."
10) I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they're real animals.
11) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.
12) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
13) When Death-Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout, "To the Bat Mobile, Robin!"
14) When a class-mate falls asleep, I shall not take advantage of the fact and draw a Dark Mark on his arm.
15) It's not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes house points from Gryffindor.
16) I will not call the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny. Even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
17) I will not refer to the Weasley Twins as "bookends."
18) I will not dress up in a Dementor's suit and use a dustbuster on Harry's lips to make him do what I want.
19) I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.
20) I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells shouting, "I got the power!"
21) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights who say Nigh have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell "Nigh!" from various directions. (Highly inappropriate, albeit very funny.)
22) I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance when I enter a classroom.
23) Its not necessary for me to yell "Bam!" every time I apparate.
24) I will not steal Griffyndor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallway.
25) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music when wandering the halls.
26) "To conquer the earth with flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.
27) I am not allowed to begin Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."
28) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.
29) The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife.
30) "Draco Malfoy, Take it up the arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.
31) I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.
32) I am not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see who kills each other first.
33) It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagal that she takes herself too seriously.
34) "Ya'll check this shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that I am about to conduct an experimental
35) I will not say the phrase, "Dude, get a life," to Voldemort.
36) I will not offer to pose nude for Collin Creevy. (He will take you up on it.)
37) I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.
38) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.
39) Should Professor Quirrell ask what I said, I am not allowed to say, "Did I stutter?"