Name: Rob

Nationality: English

Emotional Status: Bored

Gender: Male

Age: 19

"When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless." - Stewie Griffin, Family Guy

Random Stuff

I pledge allegiance to the internet and to the principle of end-to-end connectivity for which it stands. One network, under construction, with liberty and access for all.

WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL_AND_PAPER.SYS)

Why are the Force and duct tape the same? both have a light and a dark side and hold the universe together.

Ever had writers block when talking?

"This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence."

If you can keep your head while other people are losing theirs, you probably don't fully understand the situation.

"Common sense is not so common." - Voltaire

Useful, Funny, and Though Provoking Advice (though not necessarily all at once)

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

If it happens once, it's a bug. If it happens twice, it's a feature. If it happens more than twice, it's design philosophy.

A penny saved is a penny taxed.

It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.

Time is a great teacher. Unfortunately, it eventually kills all its pupils

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. that way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

It’s not cheating unless you get caught.

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Avoid hangovers: stay drunk.

Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so waste your time and have the time of your life !

Everyone has a photographic memory… some just don’t have film.

Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.

All people have the right to stupidity but some abuse the privilege.

Of course, it’s very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to do some research and rehearse your ad libs.

You can’t be late until you show up.

The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

War doesn't determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

We can forgive those who bore us. We cannot forgive those whom we bore.

Experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes.

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.

The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.

Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.

You never learn anything by doing it right.

Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.

If aliens are looking for intelligent life, as such humans have nothing to worry about.

Sure, it’s going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

If you have noticed this notice you will have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing

When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” Don’t answer him

You can’t just let nature run wild.

A friend is someone who is there for you when he’d rather be somewhere else.

A road to a friend’s house is never long.

Don't be so humble - you're not that great.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from many.

The best things in the world are free -- and worth every penny of it.

Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question.

Everything is edible. Even I'm edible, but that is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies.

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed and permanently set.

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.

Education is important. School however, is another matter.

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Maybe we should have amateurs build everything.

Assassinations is an extreme form of censorship.

If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something.

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, and then kill them.

Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Do not use an axe to kill a fly on your friends' head.

What is easy is not always right, and what is right is not always easy.

If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can't fix it, you have a serious problem.

The 50-50-90 rule: any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.

"It wasn't a dark and stormy night. It should have been, but that's weather for you. For every mad scientist who's had a convenient thunderstorm just on the night his Great Work is finished and lying on the slab, there have been dozens who've sat around aimlessly under peaceful stars while Igor clocks up the overtime." - Good Omens, written by Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett

A Dumb Blond Joke

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an aeroplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him 5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her 50. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him 5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde 50.

The blonde put the 50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him 5.

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." –Bill Watterson

25 Things my mother taught me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why.

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

"A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists." - Don Marquis

Something I Found On Someone Else's Profile And Quite Liked

The white man said, "Coloured people are not allowed here."

The black man turned around and stood up.

He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me coloured?"

"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen

FUNNY THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR

1.When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2.Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3.Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

5.Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6.Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7.Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8.Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9.Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10.Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11.Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12.Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13.Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14.When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15.Swat at flies that don't exist.

16.Tell people that you can see their aura.

out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.

18.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20.Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22.Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23.Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25.Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

26.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

"If I'm not back in five minutes...just wait longer." - Ace Ventura, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the Cash Machine, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity - e-mail this to someone to make them smile and laugh. Its called therapy.

"Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes." - Buck Murdock, Airplane II: The Sequel

Random Quiz:

1. FIRST NAME: Robert

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My dad

3. SIBLING NAMES: Andrew and Hermione (yes as in Harry Potter, she was named after the character)

4. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Can't remember

5. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDS? I am very attached to them

6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT? Beef

7. KIDS? Adding a Question Mark to the end of something does not automatically make it a question. After all, are you asking my opinion about kids? Whether I have them? Or, if I want them?

8. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? No...I probably wouldn't know me. Having said that, if I did know the current me, it depends on what the new me was like

9. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? No

10. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Yes

11. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes

12. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Depends, how high and length of the rope when stretched

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL? Killer. That or Rice Crispies

14. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU REMOVE THEM? No

15. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically - I'm slightly above average. Emotionally - I have no idea, though I imagine quite weak or below average

16. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM FLAVOUR? Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough, or Mint Choc-Chip

17. SHOE SIZE? 13

18. RED OR PINK? Red.

19. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOU? Dunno, do you mean what I don't like or what others don't like?

20. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My friend

21. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO PUT THIS IN THERE PROFILE? It's up to them

22. WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Black trousers and boxers (in England 'pants' refers to underwear, though I am assuming this is written by an American, I am keeping it as that to point out to any who don't know), and no shoes or socks

23. LAST THING YOU ATE? Chocolate cake

24. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The buzzing sound my headphones make when they aren't playing anything

25. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? Beige

26. FAVOURITE SMELL? Raspberry and Lemon

27. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Dad

28. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? Either what they look like or their voice (depending on whether I hear them or see them first) as I am attracted to intelligence, followed by personality

29. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? No

30. FAVOURITE DRINK? Pepsi Max

31. FAVOURITE SPORT? Sports? I don’t do sport

32. EYE COLOR? Bluey-grey leaning more toward grey

33. HAT SIZE? Don’t wear hats

34. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Just glasses

35. FAVOURITE FOOD? Chicken Korma

36. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? SCARY

37. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE CINEMA? Paranorman

38. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? Canada hoodie

39. SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter

40. HUGS OR KISSES? Hug

41. FAVOURITE DESSERT? Lemon Cheese Cake

"My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanise he would drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. A sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical; summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. If I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fifteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shawn scrotum." - Dr Evil, Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Random Quiz - 2:

40 Things You Don't Need To Know About Me

1. Where's #1 on your top 8?

A #1 slot, on my Top 8, is at the #1 slot. That the only thing I can say to this question as it doesn't make any sense

2. What is your favourite possession?

At the moment, my collection of Books, Games, and DVDs

3. Do you own a gun?

No

4. If you could tell your last ex something what would you say?

'Hello, how're you?'

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?

No, I get sick

7. What's your favourite Christmas song?

'Fairytale Of New York' by The Pogues

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?

Water

9. Can you do a push up?

Yes, but I don't like to, so I don't

10. Is your bathroom clean?

For the most part yes

11. What's your favourite piece of jewellery?

A shark tooth necklace a friend gave to me

12. Do you take painkillers?

Only Paracetamol and Ibuprofen

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?

Good sense of humour, and willing to help with problems

14. Do you have A.D.D.? (Attention Deficit Disorder)

Maybe, I have not been diagnosed with ADD (or ADHD) but I don't think I do.The reason being that when I want to do something, I can become overly focused on it

15. What's your name?

Robbie. Well Robert, but I prefer Robbie and go by Rob at work

16. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment

1) Erm, what can I put here
2) Can't think of anything to put
3) Nope, I got nothing

17. Name the last 3 things you have bought

1) Grapes
2) Chocolate cake
3) Indian Take-Away

18. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink
1) Pepsi max
2) Water
3) Coffee

19. Current worry?

When to take in the Secret Santa gift into work

20. Current hate?

Dunno, there is nothing that I can think of that I would say I hate specifically

21. Favourite place(s) to be?

Anywhere with a computer internet connection and no natural light

22. How did you bring in the New Year?

By celebrating with a friend and watching TV all night (including the London fireworks)

23. Where would you like to go?

Alaska

24. Do you own slippers?

Yes

25. What shirt are you wearing?

Black and white checked shirt

26. Favourite colour(s)?
Black and blood/crimson red.

27. Are you gay?

No. Whether you mean it as to mean homosexual, or happy the answer to both is still no

28. Do you sing in the shower?

No, I cant sing so I hum

29. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?

Merry-Go-Round (Carousel) Horses, they still freak me out

30. Best bed sheets as a child?

Harry Potter bedsheets, till I managed to damage them

31. Worst injury you've ever had?

Braking my wrist, even then it was only a small chip

32. Who is your loudest friend?

Depends...either Ben or Ben. I know lots of Bens

34. Does someone have a crush on you?

Dunno

35. Do you wish on shooting stars?

No, never seen one

36. What is your favourite candy?

Lolly Pops, specifically Chuppa Chups

37. What song(s) do/did you want played at your wedding?

'If I didn't have you' by Tim Minchin. Just for the fun of seeing everyones faces

38. What song(s) do you want played at your funeral?

'Tommy C' by Dan le Sac vs. Scroobus Pip, Just to show them how I want them to be

39. What were you doing @ 12 AM last night?

On the computer

40. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?

What time is it?

"Nice fucking model!" - Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice

Random Quiz - 3:

1, What colour is your toothbrush

Blue-Green and white

2, Name one person who made you smile today:

McGoiter on YouTube

3, What were you doing at 8 am this morning:

Sleeping

4, What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

Reading fan-fiction

5, What is your favourite candy bar?

Dunno, probably Cadbury Milk Chocolate bar

6, Have you ever been to a strip club?

No

7, What is the last thing you said aloud?

'Huh'

8. What is your favourite ice cream flavour?

Ben and Jerrie's Cookie Dough, or Mint Choc-Chip

9, What was the last thing you had to drink?

Pepsi Max

10, Do you like your wallet?

Yes

11, What was the last thing you ate?

Chocolate cake

12, Have you bought any new clothing items this week?

No

13, The last sporting event you watched?

Willingly - some time in 2004

Unwillingly - I think it was an Arsenal away match in 2011

14, What is your favourite flavour of popcorn?

Sweet, and Toffee on occasion

15, Who is the last person you sent a text message too?

My mother

16, Ever go camping?

Yes, unfortunately

17, Do you take vitamins daily?

Only though food, no supplements

18, Do you go to church every Sunday?

No, I'm atheist

19, Do you have a tan?

No

20,Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza?

Depends on which dishes

21, Do you drink your soda with a straw?

Not usually

22, What did your last text message say?

Waiting at back

23, What are you doing tomorrow?

Work

25, Look to your left, what do you see?

Living room, TV

26, What colour is your watch?

Black (leather strap), silver and white (face)

27, What do you think of when you hear Australia

Heat

28, What is your birthstone?

Amethyst

29, Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?

Inside

30, What is your favourite number?

13

31, Who's the last person you talked to on the phone?

My dad

32, Any plans today?

Sleep

33, How many states have you lived in?

Zero, I'm from the UK

34, Biggest annoyance right now?

Annoying customers at work

35, Last song listened to?

Clock Without a Maker - Tombstone Da Deadman

36,Can you say the alphabet backwards?

Yes, it's not that hard

37, Do you have a maid service clean your house?

No

38, Favourite pair of shoes you wear all the time?

Slippers

39, Are you jealous of anyone?

Only fictional characters, reality is so boring

40, Is anyone jealous of you?

Probably not, though if they are I have no idea what of

41, Do you love anyone?

Not to my knowledge, though I know I care for someone

42, Do any of your friends have children?

If they do, I haven't been informed

43, What do you usually do during the day?

Most days - work

Days off - usually surf the internet

44, Do you hate anyone that you know right now?

Not overly, but enough

45, Do you use the word 'hello' daily?

Not daily...maybe 3-4 times a week, mostly I say hi

46, What colour is your car?

Don't have one...yet

47, Do you like cats?

They're OK, though they don't seem to like me

48. Are you thinking about someone right now?

No

49, Have you ever been to Six Flags?

No, though it does look like good fun, the chances are small I will go

50, How did you get your worst scar?

Back when Beyblades where popular (way back yesteryear) a friend made his own and brought it into school and beat everyone with it. He then let another friend borrow it. When it came to my turn the home-made 'beyblade' (a modified wooden spinning top with nails in it) flew off of the bin lid we were using as a Bey-arena, and managed to cut my wrist

"I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti." - Hannibal Lecter, Silence of the Lambs

Random Quiz - 4:

My Personal Alternate Names

1. YOUR GANGSTA NAME:(first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Robizzle

2. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (colour and animal): Black Sponge

3. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, and current street name): Thomas Whinchat

4. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, last 3 letters of mom's maiden name): BonRoJon TodJpit

5. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (colour, drink): Amber Brandy

6. YOUR ARAB NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your mom's maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, last letter of your mom's middle name): Onaoihs Odiiede

7. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mothers middle name):

8. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one your pets): Black Gregg

9. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (fruit, and something that can go wrong) Tomato Splinter

10. YOUR PIRATE NAME: (colour, pirate accessory) Blue Doubloon