Author has written 42 stories for Twilight, Monsters vs. Aliens, Hunger Games, Teen Titans, Maximum Ride, Super Robot Monkey Team, and Percy Jackson and the Olympians.
Hi, you can call me Cassidy.
ACTUAL PRODUCT LABELS
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (A bit late, don't you think!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
join the dark side, we have COOKIES
Its you and me against the world... we attack at dawn
No matter what happens things could get worse. When they are as bad as they can get, they can only get better.
My knight in shining amour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door.
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
No I won't go to hell! It has a restraining order against me.
When life gives you a lemon, throw the lemon back and demand chocolate
I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all commited suicide
I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my super powers.
Oh, I have a photographic memory... it just hasn't developed yet
Slinky Escalator = Endless fun
God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made women.
Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is human’s way of saying you can't fire me, I quit.
I hear your silence loud and clear.
Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls… and poles… and other stuff…
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
Tell the truth and run.
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...
Why do people say, “You can't have your cake and eat it too?” Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?
When life hand you lemons, throw those lemons right back at it and tell life to make its own damn lemonade.
Don't mess with me I've got a stick.
I ran with scissors, and lived!
Stupidity can hurt, I broke a rib laughing at you
You? Die? You're too mean to die.
We should have thrown you in the dungeon years ago
At last! My plans for world domination are complete! MAHAHAHAA? Oh look, something shiny...must go look.
If you can't fix it with duck tape you haven't used enough!
I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on eBay.
"I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose"
STRESS: A condition brought on by over-riding the bodies natural desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.
Don't ever attempt a staring contest with a brick wall, they cheat a lot.
I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect!
You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.
I did what they say and chose the road less traveled...Now where the hell am I?
Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary.
At least I don't CARE what those mindless people think of me.
This world is full of crazy people.THEY MADE ME THEIR LEADER!!
I'm here because Heaven wouldn't take me,and hell was afraid I'd take over.
I'm not afraid of Death.What's he gonna do, kill me?
When I'm at Deaths door, I'm going to ring the bell and run like mad.
Boys are like slinkys, useless but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
Get to know your stalker, they'll be there for a while.
When Life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS
Why is when we talk to god we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin
It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and bitchslap that motherfucker upside the head.
My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
The cops never find it as funny as you do.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils,
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep not screaming like the passengers in his car.
One way to find out if something works: push all the buttons.
One day your prince will come. Mine? He took a wrong turn, got lost, and was to stubborn to ask for directions.
It's always the last place you look for it... of course it is! Why would you keep looking if you found it?
I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh, the fun I will have.
Please don't drop cigarette buds on the floor, the cockroaches are getting cancer.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
If you want to look young and thin, hang around with old fat people.
What hair color do they put down on the driver's licenses of a bald man?
I'm not littering... just donating to the Earth.
It's funny--the people who want quiet are always the loudest getting people to shut up.
I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you... you're just not laughing.
Be nice to your kids. They choose your nursing home.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; I'm not sure about the universe.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
Children in frontseats can lead to accidents. Accidents in backseats can lead to children..
Boys are like purses: cute, full of crap, and always replaceable
Boys are like skateboards, they can go fast but usually they're pretty slow.
If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
"Help! I've fallen and I can't--Hey! Nice carpet!"
You know it's a bad day when you roll off the bed...and miss the floor.
And just when I found the key to success...someone goes and changes all the locks!!
I used to have a handle on life... and then it broke.
There's always light at the end of the tunnel...just pray it's not a train.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it'll be hard to pronounce!
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.
Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
Talk is cheap, but that's ok, so are you.
This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Be OPTIMISTIC... all the people you hate are eventually going to die!!
Boys: can’t live with em, and it’s illegal to shoot em.
If we can put one man on the moon, why can't we put them all there?
If you don't like my driving stay off the pavement
They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it everytime I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?
If you can keep your head while other people are losing theirs, you probably don't fully understand the situation.
If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.
Stupidity killed the cat, curiosity was framed.
I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.
The difference between humour and tragedy is that humour is when it happens to someone else.
Remember what you just said because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and then you'll be sorry.
Percussive maintenance - the art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to make it work again.
Anyone who says easy as taking candy from a baby has clearly never tried it.
When you're right no one remembers, when you're wrong no one forgets.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, "Where did I go wrong?" and a voice answers back, "When you decided to shoot the idiots rather than blow them up and got us thrown in jail."
At my lemonade stand I shall give you two glasses; the first is free, the second if five pounds because it contained the antidote to go with the first.
Happiness is when the dentist says it won't hurt a bit, and then gets his hand caught in the drill.
I like you; when the world is mine your death shall be quick and painless while the others are suffering.
I please only one person a day; today is not you're day and tomorrow isn't looking so good either.
I see you're playing stupid again, looks like you're winning.
One day, we will look back on this day, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound that they make as they go by.
My imaginary friend thinks you have issues.
I am on a quest to the deepest darkest corner of my room in search of what some might call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends, I may not return alive.
Don’t drink and drive… you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
I didn’t escape from the mental ward! Those sirens are a complete coincidence!
"I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
"Borrow money from pessimists... they don’t expect it back."
If it's tourist season then why can't we shoot them?
If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Mental Hospital Phone Menu:
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital!
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blond, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense,who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion, or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
A moment of silence.