KiwiBirdieOfTheAbyss
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Joined 01-24-09, id: 1815234, Profile Updated: 02-20-10
Author has written 5 stories for Twilight, Mortal Instruments, and Misc. Books.

Hey, you know...I've always loved to write, and now, I just want to show you guys wut I can do...it's not much, but i need hints on whether I should continue on with them, or not! Keep up the comments! ;) w

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?"

The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away... Post this on your profile if you hate racism

A girl and guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle

Girl: Slow down, I'm scared!

Guy: No, this is fun.

Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: I love you, now slow down!

Guy: Now give me a big hug. (She gives him a big hug)

Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me.

In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his break wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she could live.

Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?

Boy: No

Girl: Do you like me?

Boy: No

Girl: Do you want me?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you cry if I left?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you live for me?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you do anything for me?

Boy: No

Girl: Choose--me or your life

Boy: My life

The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...

The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.

The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.

The reason I don't want you is because I need you.

The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.

The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.

The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you.

The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Friend's will always be like "well you deserve better" but best friends will be prank calling him saying "you will die in seven days"

Boys are like trees-they take 50 years to grow up.

EMO kids have cool hair.

EMO=Extravagantly Made Origami

BEARS=Butt Extremely Annoying Retard ScientistsI read New Moon and I wanted to kick Jacob Black REALLY REALLY HARD.

I read Eclipse and wanted to smack Jacob Black REALLY REALLY HARD. Then Bella did it for me.

"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat."

"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

Excuse me... have you seen my sanity... I think I lost it.

Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey?

If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?

364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from
strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that?

Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door...

No, I don't have PMS. I just really hate you.

My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone.

Stupidity is not a crime so you're free to go.

"Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now? You
guessed it. Guess what's next? You guessed it..."

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed."

Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.

Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.

Was that an earthquake, or did I just rock your world?

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary.

Did you know Sarcasm is your body's natural defense against stupidity?

Never knock on Death's door, ring the doorbell and run away, he hate that.

Paper may beat rock, but cannon ball make big hole in paper.

The pen may be mightier than the sword, but my keyboard can crush your crummy pen!

Therapist = the/rapist... scary thought.

Don't call me emo or I'll cry big juicy tears of blood and pain and then I'll die and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT.

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

Last night I looked up at the stars and matched each star to a reason I loved you. I was doing fine till I ran out of stars.

To the world, you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world.

Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question.

Some minds are like concrete; thoroughly mixed and permanently set.

The town was so dull that when the tide went out it refused to come back in.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Tell the truth and run.

Don't follow me, I'm lost too.

This is Bob. Bob likes sharp things. I suggest you run from Bob.

Definition of Your Mom: How to answer a question when you're bored

Definition of homework: Some form of crude mind control still used in some primitive areas.

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff.

I'm not afraid of Death, what's it gonna do kill me?

I'll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.

When life gives you lemons, chuck them at people you hate

It doesn’t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full just drink it and get it over with.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.

The world is full of crazy people. THEY MADE ME THEIR LEADER.

So what if we act like immature idiots? We’re having fun.

If at first you don’t succeed skydiving isn’t for you.

Those who throw objects at crocodiles will be asked to retrieve them.

Set sail in a general that way direction.

It’s always the last place you look. Of course it is why would I keep looking after I’ve found it?

I’m sick of following my dreams, I’m just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with them later.

Do I have to spell it out for you or scream it in you face?

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.

Education is important, school however, is another matter.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they go by.

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...

Music is love in search of word.

Are children who act in rated “R” movies allowed to see them?

Who's cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an “s” in it?

Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

When French people swear do they say pardon my English?

Aren’t the ‘good things that come to those who wait’ just the leftovers from the people that got there first?

If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out”?

Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken over there ... I’m gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt”?

Isn’t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?

Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?

“Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?”

Isn’t it funny how the word ‘politics’ is made up of the words ‘poli’ meaning ‘many’ in Latin, and ‘tics’ as in ‘bloodsucking creatures’?

Why isn’t chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are vegetables?

Darth Vader- "Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES!"
Luke Skywalker- "Nah, the rebels have cake."
Darth Vader- "ooh! Can I be a rebel?!"

I smile because I have no idea what’s going on!

Life was so simple when boys had cooties

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends

Boys are like slinkies, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

I ran with scissors, and lived!

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?

Why do people say, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”? Why would someone get cake if they can’t eat it?“

When life hand you lemons, throw those lemons right back at it and tell life to make its own dang lemonade

”Assassination is an extreme form of censorship.

The sun has set, the moon has risen, today’s the day we get out of prison!!

You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, and then kill them.

Don’t mess with me I’ve got a stick.

He said I love you, I sneezed and said sorry I’m allergic to bullshit.

I’ll be rich and famous when I invent something that will stab people over the internet.

You’re just jealous because we act retarded in public and people still love us!

I’m the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n’ slide.

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

I don’t obsess! I think intensely...

Of course I’m talking to myself. Who else can I trust?

Let me know if anything I say offends you, I might wanna offend you later.

One way to figure out how things work, push all the buttons!

I’m so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.

When I say LOL I’m not laughing out laud. I just have nothing better to say.

When I am at Hogwarts I will not: Ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling

When I am at Hogwarts I will not: Sing “I’m Off to See the Wizard” when sent to the Headmasters office.

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.

All the good ones are gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.

Stupid shiny Volvo owner.

The greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences, and mistakes, and yet still sees the best in you.

“When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.”

“Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”

“Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else”

“Real girls aren’t perfect, perfect girls aren’t real.”

“I’d rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I’m not.”

“What is easy is not always right, and what is right is not always easy.”

“Guns don’t kill people. I do.”

“A good friend bails you out of jail. A great friend is sitting there next to you saying ‘Man, that was fun!’”

“If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.”

“The past is only the future with the lights on.”

“Shut up voices or I’ll poke you with a fork

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because ‘They’ve seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug.’ These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.

A recent survey stated that the average person’s greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you’re telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.

I’m not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

Death is God’s way of saying “You’re fired.”
Suicide is Human’s way of saying “You can’t fire me- I quit!

”If ya can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.
If ya can’t join ‘em, bribe ‘em.
If ya can’t bribe ‘em, blackmail ‘em.
If ya can’t blackmail ‘em, kill ‘em.
If ya can’t kill ‘em, you’re screwed.

Unfortunately, you can’t die of a broken heart.

Heaven doesn’t want me, and Hell’s afraid I’ll take over.

“He who stands on a windowsill to see how far out he can lean without falling is a moron.”

“If you know me, chances are you hate me.”

“I’m the kind of person your parents warned you about.”

“Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will hurt my inner child”

“Don’t judge a book by its cover or a person by their scars”

“It’s not until you’re broken that you know what you’re made of.”

“Tired of living and scared of dying.”

“It requires MORE courage to suffer than to die.”

“You said that you would die for me, you must live for me too”.

“To die is nothing but a long goodbye.”

“This isn’t just goodbye, this is I can’t stand you.”

“I hear your silence loud and clear.”

“The past is only the future with the lights on.”

“Shut up voices or I’ll poke you with a fork"

TOTAL signs of flirting!

~ Guys~

1. She makes eye contact and smiles at you.
2. She hits you softly on the arm and laughs when you say something funny.
3. She flips her hair when she's talking to you.
4. She touches your arm when she talks to you.
5. She says, "No, I'm not telling you who I like!" with a big smile on her face
6. She asks you who you like or who you would go out with seemingly interested.
7. When you go to the movies with a bunch of your friends and she is almost always next to you.
8. She criticizes you on a girl you like.
9. You catch her staring at you.
10. She plays with your hair or tries to put make up on you.
11. Her friends outside of school and in school know about you, and says she talks about you a lot.
12. She knows your phone number and address.
13. She will try and talk, and spend time with you as much as possible

~Girls~

1. He stares at you a lot.
2. He hits you a lot. (just play hitting )
3. He uses the first thing that pops into his head to start a conversation with you
4. He yelled, "Hi!", to your mom that day she picked you up from school.
5. He blew off his buds to go see "Run Away Bride" with you cuz you couldn't get another girl pal to go and didn't want to go alone.
6. He tries to make you laugh anyway even if he gets hurt in the process
7. His voice gets softer ("Hey, you") when ever you two talk.
8. You hung up on him. He called you back.
9. You where invited by him to a group outing.
10. He called you to talk about nothing at all..
11. He imitates your laugh. OK, you do snort sometimes. Which makes you laugh even harder.
12. He remembers little things you mention in casual conversation.
13. He sometimes stares straight into your eyes.

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Are you Nervous by Torqueo Animadverto reviews
All of the Cullens are still in school. During gym class, Mike decides to play a little game with Bella which doesn't leave Edward too happy.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 2,872 - Reviews: 76 - Favs: 70 - Follows: 25 - Updated: 7/9/2009 - Published: 12/11/2008 - Complete
The Wild and Wacky Adventures of Edward in PE! by LindaRoo reviews
Hilarity ensues when Edward comes back at the end of New Moon and he and Alice get Mrs. Cope to change their schedules to put them in Bella's gym class. How can they appear human when their superhuman athletic aptitudes keep getting in the way?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Fantasy - Chapters: 12 - Words: 74,371 - Reviews: 1979 - Favs: 2,228 - Follows: 1,681 - Updated: 3/9/2009 - Published: 2/27/2007
Ways To Annoy Valentine by enigma of rivendell reviews
Well I guess the tittle says it all.
Mortal Instruments - Rated: T - English - Humor/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 220 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 9 - Published: 2/15/2009 - Valentine M. - Complete
Within The Darkness by bellaklutz2010 reviews
Will Bella survive? What will Rosalie do now? Will Kyle still be a vampire? Continuation the beloved story "The Secret Compartment". Rated T becase I am paranoid.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 31 - Words: 98,170 - Reviews: 2103 - Favs: 595 - Follows: 347 - Updated: 2/2/2009 - Published: 11/20/2008 - Complete
The Secret Compartment by bellaklutz2010 reviews
When Bella decides to move to Forks her mother and Phil give her one last gift, a desk from the 1900’s. When Bella finds a secret compartment filled with secret letters she finds herself falling in love with a man who no longer exists, or does he?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 21 - Words: 44,998 - Reviews: 2139 - Favs: 1,319 - Follows: 529 - Updated: 2/2/2009 - Published: 10/29/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
A New Nephilim by LunaLovegoodx reviews
When Bella is cliff diving and gets attacked by a water demon, Jace, Isabelle, and Alec come to her rescue. What happens when Edward comes back? Mortal Instruments Twilight crossover.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,734 - Reviews: 13 - Favs: 16 - Follows: 20 - Published: 12/17/2008
The Birds & The Bees Emmett Style! by UnicornGoddess95 reviews
How does Bella get unglued from Edward? Find out and prepare to laugh! Complete for now...maybe I'll come up with more hilarity.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 4 - Words: 13,515 - Reviews: 723 - Favs: 956 - Follows: 566 - Updated: 5/10/2007 - Published: 3/19/2007 - Complete
Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Prevalent Destiny reviews
SNEAK PEAK! I wrote this based off of my own imagination, no books and wondering . . . should I continue and publish it for real? Please comment some romance later on
Misc. Books - Rated: T - English - Mystery/Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,937 - Reviews: 2 - Follows: 1 - Published: 2/20/2010
Speach Impairments reviews
Created it myself. XD I suck at summaries! it's about this girl who gets bewitched so she can't talk... find out more, so read! T for later
Misc. Books - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,949 - Reviews: 1 - Follows: 1 - Published: 6/7/2009
Clary's Dream reviews
Don't you think there needs to be WAAAAY more kissing in the book? LOL here's some more!
Mortal Instruments - Rated: M - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,757 - Reviews: 39 - Favs: 41 - Follows: 66 - Updated: 4/3/2009 - Published: 3/5/2009 - Jace W., Clary F.
The Club for Alec reviews
Isabelle, Clary and Jace all decide to make Alec straight for the purpose of him not telling his parents. So where exactly is the best place to go? LOLEO!
Mortal Instruments - Rated: M - English - Humor/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 892 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 8 - Published: 3/5/2009 - Alec L., Isabelle L.
Riverside love reviews
Bella tries to skip rocks, what happens? The obvious!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 518 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 7 - Published: 3/5/2009 - Edward, Bella - Complete