Author has written 2 stories for Twilight.
Hi, my name is Irritable Grizzzly and I read and write fanfiction.
I know many of you have yet to admit this to even your closest friends and family for fear you'll be disowned and de-friended.
I just decided to own up to it and face the consequences.
Like many of you, I made fun of fanfic. Yeah, well, I make fun of a lot of things. This was bound to happen.
I don't have a significant other, so I just put everything into my writing. I'm sarcastic to a fault. My friends have learned to love that about me. Well, either that or they've got a dart board with my picture on it. Not sure.
My awesome friend and spectular beta, farkle, started a thread for me on Twilighted. http:///forum/viewtopic.php?f=44&t=4639
I'm also posting Unforgivable Act on lj: http:///
I've co-written an JALICE fic called Brilliant and Dangerous with InsaneGrizzlies. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5194203/1/
My favorite review, so far, for B&D:
omg! you have to update soon! sooner then soon, more like now!
Look ma! I wrote a whole article! http:///18594.html?view=40610#t40610
I want to pool all the fangirls' money together and pay Robert Pattinson to say "I. Am. Edward. Fucking. Cullen." Seriously. I could die happy.
Speaking of RPATTZ, seriously, it should be damn illegal for one person to be that sexy and beautiful. I mean, really. I don't know if it's the modeling days or what, but when that man looks into a camera it's like he's looking through you.
Sometimes, though, I look at him and just want to take him home and...give him a home-cooked meal. Boyfriend looks like he needs it.
I love when he plays geeky. Geek wrapped in the body of teh pretty is my favorite flavor of boy.
I got an account here because I've been reading much fanfic on my new obsession known as "Twilight" and since I'm a fellow writer and I know how much work is involved in writing these stories, I wanted to be able to leave reviews. If I don't like a story, I move on. No sense in bashing someone who put their work out there. That's just not good manners in my book. Yes, I do think it makes you an asshole if you write a flaming review without any constructive criticism, not just for me, but for anyone, especially if you've written nothing yourself.
Of course, don't get me started on authors who whine about constructive criticism in their A/N's and on Twitter and get all their minions to go out and beat up on the poor soul who had the audacity to have an actual opinion.
Then there are the people who attack the writer personally or threaten bodily harm because of how they portrayed a fictional character. Really, just step away from the computer and get yourself some serious therapy if it comes to that.
If an author is taking the time to tell a really great story and people are like WHERE'S TEH SEX? I just want to tell them to go watch a porno if that's all they want. Get a book filled with smut. I DO NOT read these for the lemons. As a matter of fact, I try to stay away from the stories that say they're "lemontastic" or "lemony goodness." I find, for the most part, they're repetitive (and unrealistic - see below). I even - gasp - skip OVER the lemons much of the time.
I went to fanfic because I got tired of reading the books over and over and wanted other STORIES with the same characters.
A discussion an online friend of mine had with a cashier when she FINALLY succumbed to the pressure and purchased "Twilight".
Cashier: holding up Twilight Oooo, have you read this yet?
Friend: No, you're witnessing my breakdown. I've have several recommendations and have decided to give it a shot.
Cashier: My daughter read it and then she made me read it. It's not my favorite of the series but it leads into the rest of the books, which are so great.
Friend: So I've heard. We'll see.
Cashier: I actually had to take my daughter's books away from her because she was reading so slow and I overtook her and needed to read them right away.
Cashier: Have you seen the movie?
Cashier: (perplexed) Oh. Well, he sparkles better in the book.
Friend: That's what I'm afraid of.
Beliefs regarding Twilight (yes I have "beliefs regarding Twilight" Shut up. It's perfectly normal.):
Bella and Edward are meant to be. That's it. End of story.
Bella and Emmett? That's incest, as far as I'm concerned. He's her older brother. Period.
Edward and Alice? Same deal
Edward and Carlisle? That squicks me out to no end. It's wrong on so many levels, I can't even count them.
I don't mind Jacob. I had a HUGE problem with him assaulting Bella against her will (YES it is assault-read the book-even Stephenie called it that-especially with him being not only a big huge strong MAN, but made even stronger by the whole werewolf thing) and Charlie's high-fiving him for it. If it was any other guy, Charlie would have had that jackass arrested.
Still, Jacob did what he could to redeem himself and if Bella and Edward can forgive him, so can I. I try to be fair when I write about him, but you will not see a love triangle in my stories. Jacob was never ever a real threat anyway. (though DAMN YOU Taylor Lautner and making Jacob so damn LIKABLE!)
A little insight into me by belli486: IG is nice in a "rip your story to shreds and make you put it back together better" kind of way
Some things that will turn me right off of a fanfic:
BLATANT spelling and grammatical errors and typos.You're putting it out there for everyone to read. If you know you make mistakes, have someone proofread. Hell, I'll proofread. I'm sure there are a lot of people here who will be happy to beta for you. Yes, even if your story is AWESOME, it DOES MATTER if people don't know what the hell you're trying to say due to your not taking the time to hit the spellcheck button. It stops the reader, a definite no-no in the world of storytelling. Words have a flow. If the reader stops because they don't understand what you're trying to say, it's like hearing a sour note when listening to music. I've actually seen Edward's name spelled "Edwad". Honestly, ninety-nine per cent of fics on here have at least three blatant errors per chapter.
I find it difficult to read fics I don't beta, due to all the errors (that all FIVE of their betas missed) and then the lovely cliches. Kinda like you're trying to watch this really good movie, but they decided to cast Pauly Shore in a pivotal role.
The most common mistakes are those below, but when I notice things that spellcheck would catch, I get pissed.
Characters who don't speak like the character created. Doctors who say "ummmm..." adults who say "mine's like..." and "these ones"
If you "suck at summaries" have someone write one for you: Take a look at almost anyone's "favorites" list. You'll notice almost nobody has a story which includes, in the summary, "I suck at summaries". It's because we assume if you can't write a two-line summary, you can't write an entire story.
Too many superfluous details - unless it's relevant to the story, I'd rather not hear everyone's coffee order at Starbucks or everything on the menu at La Bella Italia. It's not important that Edward ordered the chicken parmesan. Really. We don't need this little scenario:
"and what would you like on the side? We have mashed potatos..."
"I'll have the french fries."
'...and what will you have to drink with that?"
"I'll have a coke."
We placed our orders" is good enough.
I also don't need to get the blow-by-blow of Bella straightening her hair, her skinny jeans and her smokey eye makeup. A paragraph describing her dress? Then after describing it in excruciating detail, you stop your story in the middle to tell me there's a picture on your profile? Then why did I just sit there reading a ten minute description of the color of the stupid buttons?? For those who want to check out the damn dress, go check out the picture. PLEASE DO NOT TORTURE ME WITH THE DESCRIPTION. THIS IS NOT "PROJECT RUNWAY"!
While we're on the subject, every time Edward goes into great detail about the fabric and color of Bella's dress, I laugh really hard. For the premier of Eclipse, RP was wearing a burgundy suit. When asked what color it was, he looked down, shrugged and said, "Red?"
An entire chapter devoted to watching a DVD: It's not relevant to the plot. Author likes movie, so she has characters make comments about it and quote it. For an entire chapter. Kill me.
Words to an ENTIRE song -Pick a verse that's particularly relevant and stick with it. (I'm not talking about fanfics BASED on songs or when Bella/Edward are in a band.) More along the lines of them visiting a karaoke bar...or ESPECIALLY the words to a freakin' Justin Timberlake song when they go to a club.) If nothing else, I get through the story a lot quicker when I can scroll down half a page. I have Google. If I'm curious, I can look it up.
Twenty Questions We've all read the books. We know their middle names. I don't care what their favorite color is. We all know she likes either green or topaz, depending on if Edward is human or vampire. We know the books she likes. There has to be a more interesting way to find out about the characters. If you're going to have 20 questions, PLEASE at least make the questions remotely interesting. Hint: rehashing information from the book is not interesting. Yet another way for me to scroll quickly through the story.
Delayed Bella/Edward gratification. If the story is about Bella & Edward, I'd rather not read five chapters about Bella going shopping with Alice before she even meets him. Just...no. As a matter of fact, unless something happens during the shopping trip, I'd rather not read about that AT ALL.
Bella gets "unexpectedly" pregnant in chapter 35. It is especially annoying when Bella/Edward have a mountain of obstacles in their relationship that make the story interesting, without Bella becoming pregnant, and suddenly every other problem they had falls by the wayside to concentrate on the baaaaaaaaaaaaaby. Unexpected baby=IG flouncing.
Bella's itty bitty hands and itty bitty feet and in general Bella is "small." Really really small. But I bet she could still put him up against a wall and kiss him against his will!
SMILE! Can nobody just effing SMILE any more? Their lips quirk and quiver and turn up and curl up and do gymnastics. If every single person uses the same expressions, it's no longer uniquely descriptive but ridiculous.
On the subject of lips: Please stop having words "fall from them" unless you're going for a cliche. Also, words do not come from a person's lips. You cannot hear anything come from them. They make no sound. Voices make those sounds. They come from the person, not their lips.
ALSO: His lips found mine. His lips captured mine. His lips kissed mine. His lips turned up and curled up and twitched. We kissed. He smiled. THERE! Look! Easy-peasy!
On the subject of eyes: His eyes found mine. His eyes captured mine. (The phrase you're looking for is "we looked into each other's eyes". It's okay not to have "mine" in there).
On the subject of hands: His hands found mine. He held my hand in his own. I held her hand in my own. His hand held my own. His hand held mine. His fingers played with mine. Try this! He held my hand. I held her hand! He played with my fingers. What? Will people think she or he held the hand with someone ELSE'S hand?
On the subject of body parts: For some reason, there seems to be this need for the body parts to do the action (disembodied action), as opposed to the person: My legs carried me across the floor as my head turned when my ears heard her voice and my lips said "hello" and her lips said "goodbye" and my eyes took her in as my hands ran through my hair and my feet danced a jig.
"I hope you make Edward perfect, just like in the books!" What story DID those people read? Edward? Perfect? In what universe? He was an emo know-it-all overthinker and self-loather. He assumed he knew what was best for Bella and made decisions unilaterally completely disregarding her feelings. He made his ENTIRE FAMILY uproot the lives they'd established, and then abandoned them. Not to mention a possessiveness that bordered a little bit on the scary side.
Author's notes in the middle of the story (I like green jello! LOL!). Again, it stops the reader.
Authors who put in the summary "over 85 million reviews!"
Popping the "P":Nope!" she said, popping the "P". In. Almost. Every. Fanfic. Please make it stop! (don't care if it's "rephrased". It's still annoying as hell.)
Mouth forming a perfect little "O". Hmmm...forming "O's" and popping "P's" I'll bet the other letters get all jealous!
NEVER HAVE I EVER and TRUTH OR DARE: I've recently had to add this. Please find another way for characters to reveal secrets about themselves and go a little crazy. It's showing up in almost every fanfic now. Usually at Emmett's suggestion.
Characters who are OOC WITHIN the fanfic: I don't mind if the characters are OOC from the book. My favorite stories are all-human (like Wide Awake) and I find them quite gripping. HOWEVER, I DO MIND if the characters are OOC WITHIN THE FANFIC.
The most obvious way this occurs is when Bella is sweet and blushing and won't go to bed with Edward, but suddenly he gets her into bed and she talks and thinks like she's freakin' Jenna Jameson in thought and action, and he's been all "I don't want to rush her into anything because she's a beautiful virginal flower. I want to make love to her and not screw her like I did all the others" and suddenly he's POUNDING into her and she's BEGGING FOR IT and tells him to be HARDER and ROUGHER even if she's a VIRGIN. Are these women still virgins or are they so far removed from their first time they don't remember the pain and awkwardness?? Then they're BOTH talking like they're in a porn film, using every cliche expression to describe both the act and their body parts.
Also? She's a vixen. Knows how to do it all even though she's never seen a ding-dong.
While we're on the subject of Edward's ding-dong, let me just say that I'm surprised, from the way many describe him, how he's able to keep it contained. He's always got an anaconda in his pants and even though she's "ungh, so TIGHT" he still manages to clear the runway without any problems. MAGIC!!!! Ahhhh fanfic reality. It's a lovely place to live.
Then there's virginal Edward who knows exactly what to do and doesn't fumble once. Then has the stamina of ten men.
What happened to plot? Story and character development? Once the sex arrives it's all:We're near a bathroom? Let's have sex! We're in the kitchen? Let's have sex! We're near a bedroom? Let's have sex! We're at a park where there are children present? Let's have sex!
Have I mentioned I love hopefulhappenings09? We were talking about the "sex scenes" and how unrealistic they are (Edward's magical always ready and satisfying peen - complete with the ability to heal whatever tragedies have taken place in Bella's past, his stamina, Bella telling him "faster" and "harder" when he's trying to take it slow "how could I refuse her?"). I was saying I like "dirty talkin' Edward" but not "porn-talkin' Edward. This is what she had to say:
I like sensual Edward... whispers and confessions and whatnot but when he treats Bella like a fucking whore... I mean come on, no matter how turned on you are, won't you feel a little cheap? or is that just me? I get role playing... (well may I don't) but still.
And having all this crazy sex, I wonder where it will go to next--''oooh Edward! Put it in my EAR!"
OK, while we're on the subject...we're all friends here, right? Can we tawk? We need to address...butt secks and bj's. There. I said it.
When did a BJ become like shaking hands? If I read one more fic where Bella is "a natural" I will go nuts. I don't care how much porn you watch, you can't possibly be that good your FIRST time. It's like watching someone drive a car and saying "OK, I see...gas...brake...steering wheel. NO PROBLEM!"
I also have never seen more women willing to just dive for it like in the middle of the afternoon at the folks' house like his dick holds the elixir of life.
In that vein, let me thank algonquinrt for reminding me of another one: The "taste" of Edward's...essence. If a young woman is expecting her boyfriend to taste like candy, she is sadly sadly mistaken. Please see her story "Mr. Horrible"for something a little more realistic. Just to be clear: I'm not talking about "Frenemies". It was done tongue-in-cheek and that was obvious. I don't think a young woman reading that would truly believe her boyfriend tasted like Skittles.
Now for the butt secks. Is this the way a woman shows she truly loves a man? Really? REALLY REALLY? My mind-meld buddy, MaybeByMonday, has this to say:
I don't get it. It's like...who are these women? Is that really what you like? Are they in some kind of random FF competition trying to see who can take FF-sex to the next level? It's a weird, cavalier attitude to many sex acts that is just...wrong. It kind of sells the message that in order to be loved, you have to have sex. Without sex, you won't be loved. Then you have to keep upping the ante in order to keep him...and become a pro at BJ's. It's just...weird. I don't pretend to get it.
Also, does it ALWAYS have to be "the best orgasm they've ever had"? Oh, Edward and his wonder peen!
And no more with her "heat" effing CLENCHING AROUND HIM! When he reaches down to touch her "center" I just think "her belly button?" HER CORE? PUH-LEASE!
Here's the school of fanfic lemon-writing.
1. Edward touches Bella with his magical fingers and gives oral sex to her "heat" or "heated core" or "center" or "warmth" or "bundle of nerves" or "nub" or "folds" or "LIPS" (and I'm not talking about the ones on her face-yecch) while touching her "peaks" or "mounds"
2. Bella gives him the best bj of his life, even if it's the first time she's ever seen a dick.
3. He gets "impossibly harder" especially when she "clenches" AROUND him.
4. He can "sense her orgasm" and does something to bring it on, particularly "reaching down and touching her with his 'free hand' " then ORDERS her to come and she does.
5. He gives a couple of more thrusts and comes harder than he ever has in his entire life.
Please, I beg of you, if you write lemons, READ THIS!
Some stuff from Nadia Cullen:
Edward having eleventy gabillion dollars and Bella saying "I'll buy the groceries" Really? I understand her wanting to maintain her independence and work for a living and earn her own money, but HONESTLY? Why doesn't she donate that money to charity where it will do some freakin' GOOD? I want to contribute my 300 dollars for rent! I'm so independent! No, you're an idiot. I have a friend who is WAY outta my league monetarily. She pays for stuff. I pay her back by helping her out with things I can do that she can't. There are other ways to pay a person back if they earn more money than you do!
Edward's girly taste in music:When Edward says "really? You like Jordin Sparks (or let's be real - ANY former AI contestant)/Avril Lavigne/Celine Dion/Mariah Carey/ too!" or basically ANY song that includes the words "bugs" "hugs" "fireflies" or "butterflies" I really want Bella to think "DAMN! He's off-limits because he's GAY! Maybe I should introduce him to Seth..."
Oi! People from the UK!:I love y'all. I really do. I beta for a few of you. I love the accent. It's a panty-dropper. My future husband will have that accent. HOWEVER, when you have B/E as All-American teenagers and Jasper from Texas saying "Oi! Mate!" and Edward plays rugby and talks like an English schoolboy all "mummy!" and "bloody hell!" and "bollocks" I just want to say DO YOUR RESEARCH! Get an American to Americanize it for you. I don't care if you spell "recognize" "recognise," but I do care if you have something taking place in America and they're eating bangers and mash made by Edward's "mum," and looking under the "bonnet" of his car in the "car park" after they took the "lift" from his "flat" and he's all "jolly good, then!".
"I have no idea what I'm talking about. I don't even know if baseball is played in the summer or winter, but it's just fanfic, so nobody cares, right?" Wrong. See that thing you're typing on? It's called a computer. Chances are it's hooked up to the internet. There's something called "Google". Maybe you've heard of it. Yeah, look, I can understand if this was twenty years ago and the library is closed, but when a world of information is at your fingertips and all you have to do is type a word into Google and find out EVERYTHING there is to know on a subject in a matter of minutes, there's no excuse for laziness. If you don't know, and don't want to do the research, write what you do know.
Just because you're writing fiction, does not mean that facts are something you can play with. In any fiction, unless the writer makes up the world, the facts have to be correct. Certainly Stephenie researched Forks pretty completely before she began writing about the town. Who wants to read a story by someone who didn't even care enough to check the facts?
Also, please, if you've never been pregnant or don't want to do the research, I'm begging you, DO NOT do a pregnancy story! Seriously! There's lots of moms on here. You can't get away with that. Getting every medical aspect wrong. Children having adult conversations at two years old...or on the opposite end, all they can say is "goo goo, ga-ga". Let's not even talk about how they use it as a morality play and have the doctor say "abortion is bad and you shouldn't do it".
The angst and drama ended in chapter forty...unfortunately the fic goes for fifty chapters...fluffy bunnies and rainbows are fine. Ten chapters of it and I need a cavity filled. Five chapters after the conflict ended and they're exchanging Christmas gifts and baking cookies and I'm asleep at my computer. Worse yet, the last few chapters look like this: Edward asks Charlie for Bella's hand in marriage, Proposal, Wedding, White Picket Fence, Babies.
The story ended in chapter thirty...but let's manufacture some more angst and drama and make it go to sixty chapters! Oh wait! I meant to tell you...errr...I hate the way you comb your hair! Let's have a huge blow-up about it where we don't talk for ten chapters! OR: Hot sex. OH NOES. Hot Sex. OH NOES! Hot sex. OH NOES. Ad infinitum. If I can find three endings to the story and it's still going strong, there's a problem.
BELLA RUNS! Here's one scenario: Bella walks in on Edward with a tiny 5'2" girl who somehow managed to slam his over six-foot-tall frame up against the wall and kiss him against his will. Purely based on her own insecurity, she immediately LEAVES TOWN and even though Edward skywrites, engraves his explanation on her door, sends telegrams, candygrams, messages through her television and radio, and sends various friends and relatives to tell Bella what exactly happened...she won't listen. For like ten years. Then somehow, through some miracle, she finds out she was wrong and just says "oopsie" and Edward is relieved and instantly takes her back and I'm looking for a wall to put my head through.
Second scenario: Bella gets pregnant. Either Edward is just a douchebag or he is embarking on some sort of career. So selfless Bella does the most SELFISH thing imaginable and does not tell Edward she's having his baby. He finds out usually YEARS later when the kid is walking and talking. Sometimes he's cool about it, but even if he throws a tantrum, he takes Bella back.
Misunderstandings: A "misunderstanding" shouldn't take ten or fifteen years to clear up.
The dialtone when someone hangs up. That doesn't even happen on a landline. It certainly doesn't happen with a cell phone. I'd like to know the last time this happened to someone.
Having Bella/Edward "toe off" their shoes
Ballet flats aka the shoes Bella usually toes off. I don't personally own a pair, since I stopped wearing them in the nineties, but every Bella does.
Indian-style Hey kids! Can we say "racist"??? Cross-legged.
"His eyes, like sun-dappled pools, danced in the moonlight, flashing and glowing, undulating with the light, while my heart pitter-pattered in a staccato beat to the rhythm of his own heart, as the water swished to shore, like the sound of..."ARRRGGHHHH!! What's the story about again? I'm a writer and I love words, but HOLY MOTHER OF GOD GET TO THE POINT! This isn't french poetry! I don't mind painfully graphic detailed descriptions. Stuff that rips my heart out, but this? Is filler. It all seems like "oooh...look how many pretty words I can string together! I'm so deep!" Sometimes the words don't even make sense. I have to read it like eight times just to figure out what the hell the writer is trying to say.
BittenBee on narration vs. dialogue:
Her skin was pale as the moon and softer than flower petals as I nuzzled my nose along her cheek, and it burned under my touch, the warmth seeping into me and if my dead heart could beat, it would tremble with want and need. "Fuck Bella... You're so fucking sexy."
Are you a Fancy Nancy?
Bella as cardboard cut-out whose sole purpose is to be someone for Edward to save: Bella has no personality, except as it pertains to Edward. She's numb, emotionless. I look at a story and wonder "would I read an entire story based on this Bella?" If the answer is NO, I stop reading. It means the story will eventually "jump the shark". I see it happen far too often for it to be a coincidence.
Jadalulu's rant. Take note, because it's made of awesome:
B: Edward Anthony Masen Cullen! I can't believe you did that! How could you??
E: But Bells, you're my whole world! Don't leave me now!
B: But you really hurt me Edward.sniffle sniffle
E: I know that but how will I ever live without your beautiful mahogany hair that cascades down your creamy pale back?
B: Oh Edward! I love your messy-bronze-colored-hair-that-alternates-between-brown-and-red too! But my heart hurts!
E: Look at me with your deep chocolate brown orbs of beauty and tell me you don't still feel this electric-tingly-shocking feeling when we touch!
B: I can't Edward! I can't look into your gorgeous emerald green pools of color when they darken like that to indicate the lust you're feeling for me!
E: Ok...(cue "broken look on his face that stabs Bella in the heart") I'll just go Bella...as long as you're happy then that's all I want for you.
B: Wait! I forgive you! I love you!
E: Oh baby I love you too!!
Cut to Bella and Edward's lips "crashing into one another" as "their hands roam each other's bodies" and Bella can "feel how badly Edward desires her up against her stomach" and she's "so wet he can smell her sweet arousal in the air" and he's "groaning with animalistic need" while she "moans and mewls like the vixen that she is". At this point he's ready and "plunges into her in one swift movement".After several "thrusts" and much "pounding" as well as several rough "circles with the thumb on his free hand", they are both "feeling the burn low in their cores" but he is waiting for her to "find her release" before he finds his. She finally resorts to begging "Harder! Faster Edward! Please!" as he throws out a few "Fuck Bella you're so tight." and (my personal favorite) "...ungh..so good...so wet.." Then they "both fall over the edge together screaming" and he pulls out of her resulting in her "whimpering at the loss of him". Cue sweaty spooning and sappy, clingy declarations of love, and our favorite couple fall into "the best sleep they've had in months".
I will never have anyone "squeak" "purr" "coo" "wince" or "whimper". How does this wind up in ninety-nine percent of fics? Oh, I'm also declaring a moratorium on the word "breathed".
If I read "BELLA, YOU'RE SO TIGHT!" "YOU'RE SO WET FOR ME" or "OUR TONGUES BATTLED FOR DOMINANCE" or "MY TONGUE BEGGED TO LET ME ENTER HER MOUTH AND SHE GRANTED ACCESS" (good GOD...I just read one where the tongue BESEECHED!!) one more time, I will stab myself in the eye with a sharp object. It means you've run out of ideas and are just copying and pasting other fics into yours. In fact, any and all instances of the tongue asking for/gaining entrance in any way so they can touch their tongues together... STOP IT!
SHE WENT OVER THE EDGE AND I FOLLOWED RIGHT AFTER, SPILLING MY SEED INTO HER.
On that note, if you have Edward speaking like a proper gentleman when he's an 107 year old vampire and suddenly he's using all the porn names for body parts and sex...yeah. No.
Speaking of those names, PL's - or just "lips" in general when talking about that part of the anatomy has to be one of the most UNsexy expressions to describe a woman's genitalia that I've ever seen. I'm sorry I even know about it.
Not a big fan of "pounding" either. To me, that's always associated with fighting, not screwing.
Here's a fun game to play at home! Copy and paste the chapter into Word! Replace the "P"word with a word like "spork"! Replace cooed, purred, squeaked and breathed with words like "oinked". Replace "mahogany" or "chocolate" with "fuchsia". Replace "orbs" and "pools" with a word like "tennis shoes". So it'll read "I looked into her fuschia tennis shoes." (Yes, I know this is a pathetic attempt to amuse myself. I don't care.) "OH! Replace "over the edge" with "crumbled like a Pop Tart"! Honestly, it's the only thing that stops me from putting my fist through my monitor.
Bella rubbing her legs together for more friction. I also fear for Bella's "core" and her "bundle of nerves". They've been rubbed down to nothing.
His hands "ghosting" over her Well, it's grammatically wrong, but also horribly overused.
BRIDAL STYLE!! Why do people feel the need to describe Edward carrying Bella in this way? I think just about every single male in the Twilight series carried Bella around, except for poor Billy in a wheelchair. We got the picture without Stephenie saying "bridal-style". Nobody thinks he's holding her straight up and down, and if he throws her over his shoulder or gives her a piggy-back ride, those are pretty specifically stated. "Carry" is "bridal style".
Mahogany hair cascading down her back It's bad enough when a 17 year old Edward thinks this about Bella (go ask ANY 17-year-old boy who's not really an 107-year old vampire if this phrase would EVER cross their mind), but honestly, when Bella thinks to herself "my long mahogany hair cascaded in curls down my back" I just want to vomit. I don't know when her hair went from "brown" to "mahogany" but I'm hoping it stops soon.
Chocolate eyes (or ORBS or freakin' POOLS): What happened to brown? Brown is perfectly acceptable! We're not writing poetry! BROWN! SAY IT! OUT LOUD! There. Don't you feel better?
Edward's "red" hair: When did his hair turn red? When did bronze, which is much closer to brown, become "red" "copper" or "auburn"? Was this started by the same person who made Bella's hair "mahogany"?
Edward's "emerald" eyes: Oh, I thought I read in the book that they were green. My bad. I guess Carlisle said "his mother's eyes sparkled like emeralds..." gag.
Edward's "free" hand: Only Edward has one of these. As Inigo Montoya says, "I do not think this means what you think it means." Unless you're saying he's carrying his groceries in one hand and unlocking the door with his free hand, then you're using it wrong. Though right now, because it's the new hot phrase, I'd rather not read it AT ALL.
Edward's "clenching" heart. Poor guy. I hope he carries nitro-glycerine around.
Messy pony tails and buns. If her hair isn't cascading in curls down her back, it's in one of these. Usually, she's also in yoga pants.
Bella's plump bottom lip I know about the biting the lip thing, but it's no longer really descriptive and interesting to say "she bit into her plump bottom lip."
Bella peeking up through her lashes Yeah it was in the book. Sick of reading it? YOU BET!
The smell of Bella's "sweet arousal" Are you SERIOUS? If any man said, "I can smell your sweet arousal in the air" that door would be hitting him on the ass so fast, he wouldn't have even gotten to the word "air." As Just4ALE says, "I've only heard of that in Silence of the Lambs." EXACTLY. It was meant to be creepy, not erotic. Also, if some man can smell your lady parts while you're fully clothed and he's nowhere near the area with his face, get yourself to a gyno, STAT!
"...and I whimpered at the loss..." "...lips came crashing down..." "captured/claimed my lip(s)" "...thick with sleep and "soothing circles"..."(CURSES to you, Stephenie!) "...closed the distance (gap)..." "...felt like I was intruding on a private moment..." "...breath I didn't realize I was holding..." "towel/pants/shorts slung low on his waist" "See something you like?" "he/she 'hummed' in response" "how could I refuse such a request?" Been there. Read it. Over and over and over and over again.
I'm curious. Has anyone ever read "he/she started..."in anything other than fanfic?? Try "said." It's really simple.
Out On that note, why does everyone feel the need to put the word OUT after choked, breathed, gritted, panted, spit, blurted shouted, croaked...whatever. I can't understand it. One person had Jasper drawling OUT. Like "I hate beans," HE DRAWLED OUT. (although not giving him any accent when he speaks but merely saying "he drawled" after everything he says, is pretty funny in and of itself.)
Edward doing "happy dances" in his head and saying "GAH!" or "yummy" or "hott/hawt" I just hang my head and think "this is where I'm taken out of the story and remember that he's being written by a woman." As amatter of fact, in general any of those phrases makes me want to throw my computer against the wall.
Bella "falls" pregnant. Errr...what? Is this like Bella is walking down the street and Edward is lying there naked and she falls upon his dick and gets pregnant? Will somebody explain this expression to me?
Bom Chicka Wow Wow Do I need to say it?
Those/These ones and DUH Anyone over the age of twelve using these expressions is so very very WRONG
He drug her with him. Hmmm...unless that's some poorly-worded way to say they took drugs together, it's wrong.
Cullens If we're talking about the whole family, they're "The Cullens". Everyone writing fic has read the books, right? No apostrophe needed. Simple plural. Times to use the apostrophe: To denote possession: ex/Edward Cullen's ass looked really good in those jeans. OR Edward Cullen's stalking Bella again. (as in Edward Cullen IS). If you want to refer to the Cullen family, possessively, it's still Cullens'.
It's "I was NAUSEATED (NOT nauseous)." Didn't anybody see "Never Been Kissed"?
It's for God's sake not for God sakes
It's head over heels not head over heals
Awe If you mean "isn't that cute?" it's awwwwwww. "Awe" is: I was awed by Edward's dazzling green eyes."
Ewe is actually pronounced YOU and is in fact A FEMALE SHEEP!
Can I... I don't know...CAN you? I heard this one growing up. Constantly. From every elementary teacher. It's "MAY I..."
You NOD your head yes and SHAKE your head no.
There's only one way to spell definitely - it's not "defiantly" (which is a different word entirely!) and not "definately".
A note on double-negatives from birdflew:
When I read "I didn't not do that," or "he/she/I don't never..." it makes me want to jump through my computer screen and break every finger that was used to type said phrases.
THERE IS NO SUCH WORD AS "ANYWAYS"!
THERE IS NO SUCH WORD AS "ANYWAYS"!
THERE IS NO SUCH WORD AS "ANYWAYS"!
If words sound alike, that doesn't mean you should use them interchangeably.:
LEARN YOUR DAMN HOMOPHONES! http:///
Reign and Rein.There's a difference. ninety-nine percent of the time the correct word is "rein" or "reins" and "reign" is used instead. Thank you WriteOnTime for this explanation:
Rein - a thin strap of leather attached to a horse's bridle, used to guide and restrain. Something which is meant to restrain or contain (to "rein in" would indicate, for example, that you wish your horse to stop moving, and so have pulled upon the reins to bring the horse to a halt). If you are giving someone "free rein", you are offering them unrestricted access to something, or in essence, permitting your horse to go at whatever pace suits the horse.
Reign - to rule over, as a soverign. Royal authority. It is impossible to give anyone "free reign". YOU ALSO CANNOT "REIGN IN" ANYTHING!
Lose and Loose. There's a difference. Lose signifies a loss. You lose the bet. Loose is the opposite of tight. A loose fit.
There, They're and Their. There's a difference. There you go! They're is ALWAYS "THEY ARE". They're here. THEIR is possessive. Their house. Their car.
Breath and Breathe. There's a difference. She took a breath. BELLA, BREATHE! Breathe in, breathe out.
Your and You're.There's a difference. You're is ALWAYS YOU ARE. "Your" denotes posession. Your house. Your car. If I have to read one more fic where Renee says to Bella, "that's it your out of here!" I will break something.
Who's and Whose "Who's' is ALWAYS "who is." "Who's the most likely to win the game?" "Whose" is like "whose bag is this?"
its and it's "it's" is ALWAYS it is. Its denotes possession. It's the third house on the right. The dog wagged its tail.
To, Too and Two. To know the difference between two words that sound alike makes me too happy.
Break and brake Really? There are people don't know the difference between breaking something or taking a break and slamming on the brakes?
Waist and waste If you're putting your arm around somebody's waste, I don't wanna know about it.
Peel/Peal You peel a banana, keep your eyes peeled, the peal of bells...
Phase and Faze He's going through a phase. I wish I could say I wasn't FAZED by the amazing amount of spelling and grammatical errors in all the stories on here, but I can't.
New and Knew There's a difference between a NEW car and that you KNEW he was lying. Right? RIGHT?
Duel/Dual - Duel - I challenge you to a duel! Fencing. Olden days. Dual - Composed or consisting of two people, items, parts, etc., together; twofold; double. Dual personality.
Allude/Elude He ALLUDED to his father being a doctor. He ELUDED capture.
Alter/Altar When Edward/Bella are getting married? Then he runs out? He left her at the ALTAR.
Throws/Throes It's THROES of passion!! Much different than "he throws the ball".
Canon/Cannon Your character relationships? Yeah, they're CANON, not that thing they use on pirate ships.
Piece and Peace The controversy is over: It's "HOLD YOUR PEACE" and "SAY YOUR PIECE". The first means “maintain your silence,” and the other means literally “speak aloud a piece of writing” but is used to express the idea of making a statement. It's "I wanted to give him peace of mind" and "I'm going to give him a piece of my mind!"
Traitor/Trader I don't know how these became interchangeable. They don't even sound the same. It's TRAITOR tears. You learn a trade. You trade your baseball cards, but your tears are incapable of being traded.
Aisle/Isle I 'm surprised people have a problem with this, especially since ISLE ESME was a pretty big part of BD. Aisle is the thing you find in a supermarket.
bizarre/bazaar bizarre=strange behavior. Bazaar=a marketplace or shopping quarter
Conscious/Conscience The first is like when you wake up "she was fully conscious". The second is that thing that nags at you "a guilty conscience".
A couple more have been pointed out to me. I had to add them:
Pique, Peek and Peak - When people "peak" around the corner or their interest is "peeked" and/or "peaked" or they reached the highest "peek" I just want to tell them to buy a dictionary. Your interest is PIQUED. I took a PEEK. I climbed the mountain to its PEAK. (on a side note, when Bella's breasts are described as "peaks" it makes me throw up in my mouth a little.)
Pore/Pour - Your skin has pores. You pour the milk.
Bear and Bare:If you say "I couldn't bare it" it means you didn't want to take off your clothes. If you say "bare with me" it means you wanna get nekkid together.
Shudder/Shutter - She shuddered because she was cold. Please close the shutters.
Sight/Site- SIGHT: perception of objects by use of the eyes; vision. Also, "we went to London and took in the sights." SITE: the position or location of a town, building, etc. Also? WebSITE.
Compliment and Complement There's a difference. I paid her a compliment and said she looked nice. Complement means something completes or makes it perfect - Wine is a nice complement to a good meal. We looked good together. We complemented each other nicely.
Then and Than If people learned to read and write better THAN the average kindergartener, THEN I wouldn't have to point out the difference.
Through and Threw He THREW the guy THROUGH a window
Allowed and Aloud I still...I don't know how these are confused, really. They aren't even vaguely the same and neither is the spelling. You are allowed to do something. You speak aloud.
Affect/Effect - in the words of inside-the-disarray: I have to add affect/effect to your list though. Seriously, every time I read 'I didn't understand his affect on me' or 'he was effecting me in ways I didn't understand,' I want to scream. One's a verb, one's a noun people. It's not difficult.
More from eridani: The difference between 'affect' and 'effect' is not so simple as to say that one is a noun and one is a verb. Effect can be used as both noun and transitive verb (e.g. "apply paint until the desired effect is obtained", or "economic growth can only effected by strict monetary policy"), and at least one dictionary informs me that 'affect' can similarly be used as both verb and noun, though very rarely. The rules for the usage of affect and effect are actually reasonably complicated.
Acccept/Except I'd like to ACCEPT that people who have graduated high school do not know the difference between these words, EXCEPT I really really can't.
Bawling is when somebody is crying. Balling...is...uhhhh...see "smut".
Here and Hear - Big ol' HUGE difference. "HERE" denotes location as in "I'm standing right here". "Hear" denotes listening. "I'd love to hear Edward play piano."
It's Ennunciated, not Annunciated.
It's WEAR me down, not WARE me down.
It's PURSUE, not PERSUE.
It's SUMMARY not SUMMERY.
It's DEVASTATED NOT DEVESTATED! I'm pretty positive SPELL CHECK would catch this!
It's would've/could've, (contractions of would have/could have) and NOT would of/could of (It's also not "couldn't of" - it's always HAVE! There's also no such thing as "hadn't of" it's just "hadn't")
How did "than to" become "that to"?? 'I didn't know any better that to..." WHAT?
How are people spelling "staring" wrong?? I mean, in the book that's all Edward did at the beginning, right? "Starring". RPATTZ is "starring" in another movie.
"He had went home..." NO! It's "he'd gone home" or "he went home." "had went" is wrong.
It's SupposED to
On that note, it's "a couple OF years (weeks, days)!!"
Words that are split apart and should be one word: Wherever, although, nobody, nowhere, everywhere, everybody, someday, somebody, overnight, overprotective overreact, heartbreak, altogether, stepfather/mother, nevertheless, fingertips, doorknob. Until recently I thought "alright" was a word. Turns out I was wrong. It's "all right."
What do y'all have against contractions?? Those of you who don't use them, either you're not hearing the voice of the people you're writing, or you have no idea how to talk conversationally.
Know your your pronouns and where to place them"She was the same age as him" (HE! Unspoken word here is "was/is") Me and her went to the mall. Me went to the mall? Her went to the mall??
"I was smarter than him." No you're not, otherwise you'd say "I was smarter than he (was)." "He was smarter than me". Now here you'd be right. Because it's "I".
If you have Bella say "Alice loved shopping more than me" what Bella is literally saying is that Alice loves shopping more than she loves Bella, NOT that Alice loves shopping more than Bella DOES.
Also, it's "JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME"!
When referring back to a person, use WHO and not THAT: She was the one WHO...NOT...she was the one THAT...
THERE IS NO SUCH WORD AS "ANYWAYS"!
THERE IS NO SUCH WORD AS "ANYWAYS"!
I can't believe CONVERSATE is still being used. NOT a word!
ORIENTATED & DISORIENTATED? Really? No. Still not words.
There is NO SUCH WORD as IRREGARDLESS
INTENSIVE PURPOSES is not the expression. It's "intents and purposes"
It's DUE TO not DO TO! - DUE TO a traffic jam, I was late.
If someone passed out and is waking up it's CAME TO, not CAME TOO...because the second is...see "smut".
Hers and mine's, you guys's - NO! We're not in kindergarten here!
THERE IS NO SUCH WORD AS "ANYWAYS"!
People on here seem to not put apostrophes where they belong (i.e. possessives and contractions), but more than make up for it by adding them to simple plurals.
It's COULDN'T care less!! COULD care less is the OPPOSITE of what you're saying. It means you CAN care less, not that you CAN'T!
Speaking of that, my bff and beta farkle enables my grammar and spelling OCD by sending me stuff like this. It's pretty damn awesome:
I know this is funny, but...I really am dismayed by the reading levels of grown women. I seriously wonder how they get through life. Then authors are encouraged to remain in ignorance by people telling them, "it's okay you can't spell and that you don't have correct grammar, the story is really good and it's free! Don't let anyone tell you to change it!" It's usually written by someone who can't put two sentences together. Actually the above would look more like this: "UR a grate riter! Don't let anyone tel u ur not! Its gud and nobody shud tell u how to rite!"
I actually read reviews first to see if I'll like a story. If they look like this: "OMG! THIS IS GR8! UR RITING IS BETER THEN STEPHENIE! U SHUD PUBLESH!" I know that I should stay away, because if this person likes the story, I sure won't.
If you're thinking "Is she ever going to stop adding to her profile?" The answer is...probably not. For one, y'all keep coming up with new phrases and cliches that make me grind my teeth to powder, and second, I keep getting pm's suggesting additions.
In that vein, the lovely Sarahr85 has allowed me to link to her profile, rather than try to incorporate all of her pet peeves as well. It's an awesome list!
Here's the stuff that grips me:
The people who go way above and beyond. Who write the IMPORTANT details. Who go so far beyond the fanfiction it's not even funny. The people who can even take a story that on the surface would just seem trivial and fill it with humor and insight. When I can't see the screen through my tears because someone has described something so brutally I can hardly stand it, that's some good damn fanfic.
If you make me laugh till I cry then describe something so brutally I can't stand it and cry again for different reasons, I will love you forever and send you roses.
You'll find these stories in my "favorites" section. All have touched me in one way or another and I feel the writing is way above average.
One such person who has this gift is belli486 who writes the awesome "Trust Loyalty Commitment"
I begged her to send Copward over to hold me. She did better. Check it out:
"Hello gorgeous," Edward whispered in his velvety voice. His warm breath tickling Irritable Grizzly's ear. "Scoot over, baby. I'll hold you. I'll always keep you safe."
IG threw the covers back and slid over to allow him to lay next to her. He pulled her pliant body flush to his and spooned her gently in his arms. His warm slender fingers caressing her torso, sending tiny shocks through her nerve endings. She sighed and closed her eyes. Now she was ready to face the next chapter of TLC.
OOH! She wrote me another one! I have the BEST friends!! Go ahead and drool ladies, but Copward came to MY house!
IG was moisturizing her face. The steam from the shower she'd just shared with Copward coated the tiles, and the mirror. She smiled wickedly, thinking of all the fun they'd just had. When she wiped the mist from the mirror, she got a view of Copward standing in the door, wrapped in his towel, legs crossed, arms folded, leaning against the doorjamb. His cool green gaze was taking her in. Her hand went involuntarily to her heart and she turned to get an unhindered view. His velvety voice made her weak in the knees.
"Let's eighty-six work, babe," he suggested. "I can think of more interesting things we can do; things in your bed that will send us back to the shower in a couple of hours. Are you in?"
IG smiled her sexiest smile and dropped her towel.
I must pimp my girls here.
"Art School Confidential" by farkle
"Grasping Darkness" and "Diva Diaries" by KiyaRaven
"Ugly" by silver sniper of night
"Tunes with Tony Masen" by Just4ALE
My girl, hopefulhappenings09, wrote me this lovely poem:
Its hard tew breeve
I rite stories
Yew rrr my beta
Even if yew rrr busy
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