STAR1633
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Joined 02-17-09, id: 1841076, Profile Updated: 11-22-09

I really want to write something clever and witty here so that on the off chance that someone actually reads this (or if I ever post a fic of my own) people will think I'm quirky yet endearing. That being said, a full time job and a fanfiction obsession puts a major damper on writing something of my own. I'm impressed that anyone publishes anything with all the great fics out there to read. I can however, share with you my list of Twilight Fanfiction Faux Pas. Things that if I ever do write my own fic, you will never see happen. Ever. I'm not playing here folks. This shit rubs me the wrong way.

FANFIC FAUX PAS

Over used words and phrases that make me cringe:

cup -cupping, writh - writhing, cuddle - cuddling, cradle - cradling, pulse - pulsing, plow - plowing - plowed, dick mitten, Ungh Ung, Urgh, Gah, milking, rock hard, soft curves, wet folds or slick folds, core, peen - I giggle when i see this word like the 7th graders who use it in their stories, explode or any permutation of the world ie: explosion, exploding, exploded, etc., "Cum for me", "Cum now" or even just the word "Cum" One, that just doesn't happen on command and two, "cum" - spelled c-u-m is so vulgar/crass it makes my skin crawl, suckle, "melt into a puddle of goo"

Sexual situations that are anything but sexy:

having oral sex in a church with a priest in training

oral sex while Bella is on her period - ew ew ew ew... this just makes me want to wash my mouth out for a week

Scenes and/or items that are so chiche they should be banned:

shower sex, meadow scenes, descriptions of Edward's Volvo, detailed descriptions of Bella's hair or petite form, Coma scenes, Bella revealing earth-shattering truths/feelings in her sleep talk. Whatever. That never happens., References to Bella's bodywash or shampoo - what straight man can recognize the smell of freesias, let alones get hard from the smell of them??

General No-no:

Switching point of views without warning, in the same chapter - and "~~" doesn't count as a POV marker

not updating at least once a month

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Tropic of Virgo by In.a.blue.bathrobe reviews
He's a young but jaded musician writing lyrics for his band, and she's a naive, frustrated poet looking to break out of her shell; their words collide online. What happens when they meet in high school, unaware of their literary connection?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 38 - Words: 150,800 - Reviews: 20124 - Favs: 13,022 - Follows: 5,420 - Updated: 9/9/2013 - Published: 3/4/2009 - Complete
Creature of Habit by EZRocksAngel reviews
Bella begins working for the elusive and distant Edward Cullen who she discovers is hiding behind an elaborate charade to maintain his secret lifestyle. Bella is determined to find out the mysteries of Edward Cullen but with what results? AU, OOC.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Supernatural - Chapters: 33 - Words: 189,751 - Reviews: 14504 - Favs: 11,781 - Follows: 5,439 - Updated: 5/16/2013 - Published: 1/4/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
La canzone della Bella Cigna by philadelphic reviews
A famous voice teacher. A mysterious piano prodigy. Backstabbing classmates. Music school is competitive, and aspiring singer Bella Swan is determined to succeed. Hard work she can handle, but who expected music school to be dangerous? A story in 3 acts
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 45 - Words: 336,125 - Reviews: 7297 - Favs: 4,139 - Follows: 3,785 - Updated: 11/9/2012 - Published: 6/9/2009 - Edward, Bella
Hiding in Plain Sight by limona reviews
Bella is a witness in peril. Emmett Cullen is the deputy assigned to protect her. When the witness protection program isn't safe, Emmett asks Bella to pose as his brother Edward's fiancée until the trial. AU, AH, ExB.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 23 - Words: 141,120 - Reviews: 10606 - Favs: 11,689 - Follows: 12,380 - Updated: 6/14/2012 - Published: 9/14/2008 - Bella, Edward
Lessons in Forbidden Love by xsecretxkeeperx reviews
We always want what we can't have, but their love was so much more than temptation. What do you do when you fall in love with a student? That's the question Edward has to ask himself as he falls for his favorite student, Bella. AH
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 14 - Words: 79,461 - Reviews: 1731 - Favs: 1,799 - Follows: 2,115 - Updated: 3/28/2012 - Published: 12/8/2008 - Edward, Bella
Never Sleep in a Strange Man's Bed by WndrngY reviews
B & E. Alice's new boyfried Jasper lives on Hilton Head Island, S.C. He invites her & her friends to come down for a visit. Bella isn't happy to be the only single in a couple's paradise...until she ends up in his roommate's bed.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 37 - Words: 165,936 - Reviews: 3035 - Favs: 3,982 - Follows: 2,767 - Updated: 12/21/2011 - Published: 3/1/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Art After 5 by sleepyvalentina reviews
Bella Swan had life figured out until she met sixteen-year-old Edward Cullen. A few months and an intense emotional connection later, she finds herself on a journey toward self acceptance while questioning everything she'd previously accepted as true.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama - Chapters: 55 - Words: 130,382 - Reviews: 12101 - Favs: 5,128 - Follows: 3,122 - Updated: 11/5/2011 - Published: 4/29/2009 - Edward, Bella - Complete
The Vampire in the Basement by michellephants reviews
While hunting one afternoon, the boys stumble upon what appears to be a corpse. When they learn it's a severely broken vampire, they take him home to do what they can to help. But of course, fate has plans for this man. Canon Couples. AU.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 32 - Words: 164,189 - Reviews: 11472 - Favs: 9,030 - Follows: 6,576 - Updated: 10/30/2011 - Published: 2/26/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Marked by Whitlock-Masen reviews
Edward Masen is a self-sufficient, independently wealthy man with a PhD in Social Anthropology. When he meets a man named Jasper, he is shaken by the disappointment he feels when Jasper is apparently an impossibility. ExJ, Slash, OOC
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 29 - Words: 465,518 - Reviews: 2412 - Favs: 1,138 - Follows: 1,192 - Updated: 5/22/2011 - Published: 10/25/2009 - Edward, Jasper
Your Biggest Fan by OfTheDamned reviews
Throughout high school, the shy and over-burdened Edward Masen threw himself into work and raising his baby sister. He's always felt lucky just to be friends with track star Jasper Cullen. Now, he doesn't know if just friends is enough. AH AU Slash.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 23 - Words: 177,752 - Reviews: 2198 - Favs: 1,096 - Follows: 1,347 - Updated: 2/1/2011 - Published: 8/21/2009 - Edward, Jasper
Breaking Bella by sixeightshuffle reviews
Edward Cullen needs to pass Statistics. Bella Swan is his tutor. She thinks he's a flighty, arrogant albeit sexy asshole, and he thinks she's Bipolar, but tries to win her over, anyway. Can he change her mind, or do first impressions really last?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 31 - Words: 261,788 - Reviews: 4671 - Favs: 3,650 - Follows: 3,650 - Updated: 1/14/2011 - Published: 2/7/2009 - Bella, Edward
Irritable Grizzly Adams by caligula42 reviews
New Moon AU. Edward did more than just leave Bella in the woods five years ago. Time goes on as Bella struggles to make a new life without him. What happens when they are accidentally reunited? What was the real lie that Edward told? What will Bella do?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 30 - Words: 121,710 - Reviews: 4978 - Favs: 3,532 - Follows: 3,159 - Updated: 12/27/2010 - Published: 9/16/2008 - Bella, Edward
Femme Docs and Kevlar Knights by A Cullen Wannabe reviews
Bella is a first yr medical intern who was raised by her brother Emmett and his friends after their parents died when she was 16. When a night in the ER turns dangerous can her boys, now members of the best SWAT team in Chicago save her? Lang/Lem/complete
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 61 - Words: 433,665 - Reviews: 6138 - Favs: 5,398 - Follows: 2,325 - Updated: 9/16/2010 - Published: 3/25/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
It's A Question of Lust by Esmi76 reviews
Edward is a Technology Science teacher at a small high school in Texas. Bella Swan is a new student who is hot for teacher. Can they hold out until graduation? Originally written for Ninapolitan's "I'm a tease" Twilight story Contest.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 14 - Words: 49,245 - Reviews: 334 - Favs: 519 - Follows: 316 - Updated: 8/18/2010 - Published: 1/27/2009 - Bella, Edward
Three of a Kind by LostDownTheRabbitHole reviews
B/Em/E have been friends forever. Now 21, Bella hasn't seen the guys since they all left for college. Bella is convinced before summer school starts to take a week long vacation with her two favorite boys. 2 horny guys, 1 Bella? FOLLOWUP NOW POSTED!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 2 - Words: 13,651 - Reviews: 215 - Favs: 1,053 - Follows: 505 - Updated: 8/16/2010 - Published: 10/17/2008 - Bella, Edward
Alphabet Weekends by the-glory-days reviews
Bored with their dismal love lives, best friends Edward and Bella come up with the idea of exploring the world of sex using the alphabet for the next twenty-six weekends. What happens when things go from two friends having fun to something serious? AH OOC
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 34 - Words: 124,991 - Reviews: 11404 - Favs: 11,056 - Follows: 5,787 - Updated: 3/13/2010 - Published: 3/12/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Just One of the Guys by SorceressCirce reviews
Scarred by events in her past, Bella relies heavily on her best friend and roommate, Jasper. When Jasper falls in love with a girl named Alice, Bella is excited for him but can’t help but wonder – where will she fit in? Canon pairings, AH/AU, OOC
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 28 - Words: 261,614 - Reviews: 4086 - Favs: 4,010 - Follows: 3,898 - Updated: 3/7/2010 - Published: 2/13/2009
Dear Isabella by wtvoc reviews
He said "always". She wasn't so sure. All-human. M for language. All the usual angst applies.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 12 - Words: 28,153 - Reviews: 498 - Favs: 880 - Follows: 274 - Updated: 1/28/2010 - Published: 1/1/2010 - Bella, Edward - Complete
My Life to Be by sleepyvalentina reviews
Forbidden attraction. Intense passion. Edward and Bella are committed to their significant others, who are equally committed to their jobs. There's no harm in platonic companionship. Is there? Commissioned by SassyKathy for the Support Stacie Auction.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 16 - Words: 31,594 - Reviews: 2415 - Favs: 1,506 - Follows: 1,320 - Updated: 1/28/2010 - Published: 10/12/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
The Trip Home Prequels by mskathy reviews
This will be a series/set of prequels to The Trip Home. Right now I believe they will only cover Edward and Jasper's time together, so I'll label this slash. These will be covering the story of how they fell in love, pre-Bella. Adult, lemons, slash!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 4 - Words: 21,978 - Reviews: 410 - Favs: 335 - Follows: 276 - Updated: 11/30/2009 - Published: 5/16/2009 - Complete
Not all Wounds are Healed by Time by irishgirl686 reviews
So, this takes place after Edward says his goodbye in New Moon. He allows one other person to see Bella before the Cullens leave, and it's Carlisle. Story continues from there. enjoy and review.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 42 - Words: 79,533 - Reviews: 2163 - Favs: 1,253 - Follows: 821 - Updated: 11/29/2009 - Published: 12/21/2008 - Bella, Carlisle - Complete
The Trip Home by mskathy reviews
When Bella takes a long overdue trip back to Forks, an unexpected detour helps her find her way home. AU/AH ExBxJ M for adult themes and lemons.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 39 - Words: 223,360 - Reviews: 5777 - Favs: 3,872 - Follows: 2,081 - Updated: 11/20/2009 - Published: 11/28/2008 - Complete
begrudged by wtvoc reviews
AU. forget everything they told you about true love. sometimes, everything they tell you is a well-intentioned lie. by WTVOC and JANDCO.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst - Chapters: 15 - Words: 31,622 - Reviews: 1318 - Favs: 646 - Follows: 436 - Updated: 10/31/2009 - Published: 8/12/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Taking Chances by muggleinlove reviews
Bella is a medical student at Stanford who is instantly attracted to her professor, Carlisle Cullen. Carlisle lives his life from day to day without really experiencing it. He is consumed by work and his love for his dead wife, Esme. Can the two work out?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 32 - Words: 101,445 - Reviews: 2903 - Favs: 1,440 - Follows: 869 - Updated: 9/15/2009 - Published: 2/11/2009 - Bella, Carlisle - Complete
Good Bella, Bad Bella by off-the-deep-end reviews
The much awaited story surrounding the one-shot 'White Carpet and Wall Sconces'. Read and Review. M FOR A REASON. Bad Boy Edward Cullen meets the studious Bella Swan. Do opposites really attract? And what is Edward's secret?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 36 - Words: 119,167 - Reviews: 4374 - Favs: 5,069 - Follows: 3,116 - Updated: 8/16/2009 - Published: 9/19/2008 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Withering the Ferns by AngstGoddess003 reviews
Isabella, infamous rich girl, meets Edward, the dark, mysterious guy from the wrong side of the tracks after an accident. Lost in the dense forest surrounding Forks together, they must survive complete isolation. Written for Gift Exchange.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 17 - Words: 75,311 - Reviews: 1024 - Favs: 3,273 - Follows: 660 - Published: 8/6/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Don't Stand So Close To Me by farkle reviews
Edward Cullen, grad student in Biology, has a wild night with a hot stranger and becomes obsessed. Bella Swan, his student, has a crush and a secret... Things and people are not always what they seem.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 15 - Words: 51,198 - Reviews: 682 - Favs: 1,044 - Follows: 1,271 - Updated: 7/5/2009 - Published: 3/20/2009 - Edward, Bella
Bella Swan: Kidnapper by Kambria Rain reviews
Um. Hi. I don’t really know how to say this, but I have your kids with me, and I was thinking maybe you would like them back. So yeah… call me.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 23 - Words: 74,736 - Reviews: 8710 - Favs: 14,175 - Follows: 2,937 - Updated: 6/27/2009 - Published: 5/15/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Wilting by GuineaPigBarbie reviews
So, this is my life, a childish game. Ruled by God, damned by fate. A game of love and lost." AU/Human
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Hurt/Comfort/Humor - Chapters: 13 - Words: 45,530 - Reviews: 912 - Favs: 659 - Follows: 933 - Updated: 5/18/2009 - Published: 7/20/2008
The Red Line by WinndSinger reviews
Edward is an exotic male dancer. Bella is a college student studying psychology and needs a subject to do her thesis on. Bella pays Edward to belong to her for 2 weeks so she can study him. Things soon get very interesting between them.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 40 - Words: 351,671 - Reviews: 19444 - Favs: 12,198 - Follows: 5,576 - Updated: 5/1/2009 - Published: 1/26/2009 - Edward, Bella
Emergency! by EJ Santry reviews
Bella is a student at the UW whose clumsy tendencies has landed her in an ER more than once. One fateful fall lands her into the eager hands of a hot attending ER doctor. Written for “Forbidden Love Affair” A Contest of Hidden Desires. BxE, AH
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 6,936 - Reviews: 203 - Favs: 976 - Follows: 180 - Updated: 4/30/2009 - Published: 4/27/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Open Padlock by mercedesfrk1121 reviews
Bella is not fully satisfied with Edward after she becomes a vampire.She then starts to look else where for release. Very lemony. D\s.Read if you dare my first fan fic.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Mystery/Adventure - Chapters: 6 - Words: 18,679 - Reviews: 175 - Favs: 198 - Follows: 216 - Updated: 4/29/2009 - Published: 2/16/2009 - Bella, Carlisle
High Heels and Runaway Frisbees by enamors reviews
Bella shares a very passionate and public kiss with a handsome, bronze haired stranger. Edward/Bella AU/AH one shot.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,102 - Reviews: 5252 - Favs: 4,719 - Follows: 4,117 - Updated: 3/4/2009 - Published: 6/2/2008 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Aengus by Starshinedown reviews
An entry in Jayeliwood's Sexy Eddie Contest! Bella goes abroad to do research for her upcoming novel. What will she discover while on her trip? All Human, lemon. Nominated at the Eddie Awards for Best Short Story.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Supernatural - Chapters: 2 - Words: 6,977 - Reviews: 138 - Favs: 473 - Follows: 92 - Updated: 2/19/2009 - Published: 9/21/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Show Me by booboo.kitty2.0 reviews
An entry for *A Twilight Teasing Story Contest* Bella comes into her room, fresh from the shower, wrapped in only a towel, to find Edward lounging on her bed instead of out hunting like he's supposed to be. Slightly OOC Edward, but not too much.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,609 - Reviews: 138 - Favs: 493 - Follows: 79 - Published: 2/17/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Beyond All Imagination by Lolavella reviews
Alice and Jasper take advantage of poor, helpless Edward. WARNINGS: Slash, threesome Edward/Jasper/Alice
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,137 - Reviews: 57 - Favs: 77 - Follows: 91 - Published: 2/7/2009 - Edward, Jasper
Intimacy by Ranma15177 reviews
Father to Son. Mother to Daughter. Sister to Brother. Husband to Wife. Lover to Lover. Heart to Heart. A loving family sharing together, forever, in what can only be described as intimacy. E/B C/Es Ja/A R/Em
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 9,872 - Reviews: 87 - Favs: 180 - Follows: 25 - Published: 1/4/2009 - Complete
Paging Dr Love by Debussy-This reviews
Bella Swan, a resident, is struggling with the realities of a medical career when she mets attending Dr. Edward Masen, a real life Dr. Love. Can he save her from her own self doubt? AU Human, OOC.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 15,843 - Reviews: 461 - Favs: 527 - Follows: 792 - Updated: 10/25/2008 - Published: 9/10/2008 - Bella, Edward
10 Steps To Seducing Your Hot Virgin Vampire BF by halojones reviews
This story starts off after Edward rebuffs Bella's modest advances in their newly acquired bed in Edward's room. But things take a turn for the better for these two lovesick kids when Alice takes things into her own hands. Never bet against Alice!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 35 - Words: 92,432 - Reviews: 5138 - Favs: 2,984 - Follows: 1,451 - Updated: 8/28/2008 - Published: 3/4/2008 - Complete
Persuasion by pexylexy reviews
edward/jasper - Edward's been avoiding him and Jasper wants to find out why.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,026 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 59 - Follows: 16 - Published: 8/27/2008 - Edward, Jasper - Complete