Author has written 4 stories for Naruto, Harry Potter, Misc. Books, Book X-overs, and Bleach.
Call me Shimmer. I like vidya games, books, Youtube, sleep, etc. I don't like things that take the fun out of the aforementioned or things that squick me.
EULOGY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He was outlived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
RIP: We shall remember
--Current Favorite Story Clip-
"Yes Vlad, I want to hear the speech." I drew in a breath letting it out in a huff as if Daniel had just consigned himself to doing something very stupid, which he had. I would be kidding myself though, if I said I was not interested in what his reaction would be. I was not going to lower myself to such ridiculous behavior without something in it for my own gain, and Daniel's reaction would be priceless. Though I mostly justified my next actions by saying he had asked for it.
"Very well Daniel, you wanted a speech, it is a speech you shall get." Daniel raised his eyebrows at me as I rolled my shoulders and coughed a few times, warming up the back of my throat. I could not believe I was actually doing this. I was truly in a mischievous mood if I was willing to do even this for some sort of convoluted amusement. Setting the straight razor back on the counter for latter, I drew back my lips in a snarl. The words that came spitting out of my mouth were in a heavy Russian accent.
"Are you a man ov zee Zavoevyvat decent?" Daniel laughed silently, eyebrows raised in speculation, but made no indication he was going to answer the question. Huh, funny, the same mistake I had made. I slammed my hand down on the counter, yelling my next words, practically spitting fire. I leaned forward getting in his face.
"DID ZAT SOUND LIKE A JSHOKE TO YOU BOY? I ASK YOU A QKUEVSTION!" Daniel recoiled his eyes wide. I only leaned forward further, my voice returning to a normal volume.
"I ask you again. Are you a man?" Daniel nodded his head.
"Are you ov zee Zavoevyvat decent?" Daniel started to shake his head no, because he really wasn't of the Zavoevyvat line, but stopped unsure if he would be yelled at for his negative answer. I sighed breaking character for a moment.
"Daniel just nod your head." He looked at me confused before he slowly nodded his head; I gave him a curt nod before I was back in full swing.
"Zen you vill be using zee blade vurthy of a Russian man!" I quickly picked up the disposable razor, waving it pathetically in front of his face. "How long have dis been in hour family?" Daniel started to stutter, shrugging his shoulders.
"I buy dis yesterday you stupid boy! DIS!" I brought my other hand up to snap the plastic handle of the razor in half, inches from the tip of his nose. "MEANS NOZING!" I threw the pieces of the razor over the boy's shoulders. Still standing closer than was necessary I swiped the straight razor off of the counter. With a flick of my wrist the blade of the razor was gleaming inches from the boy's nose.
"How long have dis been in hour family?" Daniel didn't even attempt to answer, his eyes glued to the razor in pure terror. Quickly realizing my mistake in wielding the blade so close to the teen, I tried to salvage the boy's piece of mind, flicking the razor closed, hoping beyond hope that I hadn't lost him in my thoughtlessness. I could see the relief flood his eyes as the blade disappeared; his face returning to its previously confused and slightly anxious state. Deeming it safe I continued. Of course yelling, just to keep his attention.
"TVENTY TREE GENARATIONS!" I leaned closer as I slammed the razor back down on the counter. Leaving it there so that I wouldn't make the same mistake again.
"Tventy tree generations of Zavoevyvat men has used dis blade." I pinned Daniel with my gaze as I got to the best part. I had him completely in my clutches as I spoke. "Your many simes great grandfather Gennadi, he cut off man's ear vith this blade, ven man try to steal his prize bull. Your uther grandfather, Mavati, he kill a man vith ziss blade, who try to rob his home. Cut zee troat clean open. De blood ruins his best shirt. Your greater grandfather still, Yustin, he skin entire bear vith ziss blade, for he has no uther blade to use. He make blanket for his dying family, uthervise they freeze to death in zee vinter ov zee century." I paused for dramatic effect, just as it had been done for the past twenty-three generations. Slowly leaning back away from the uncomfortably close proximity to Daniel that I had obtained "So you claim to be a man of Zaveovyvat decent. Zen you vill use zee blade of your forefathers. Like a real Russian man." I held Daniel's gaze for an endless moment before I smirked and stood up fully. Stepping back so that I wasn't invading his personal space any longer. I had been literally breathing on his face at some of the more intense moments. I waited for his reaction eager to see what he would think of the ridiculous tradition now. As I moved away he blinked rapidly, a hopelessly confused look on his face. Of course when he finally did get around to saying something, I wasn't disappointed with what came out of his mouth.
"So wait, you're Russian?" There was a 'smack' as my hand made contact with my face. Of course he wouldn't say anything about the murder or the ridiculous bear. He would focus on the fact that I was Russian. Tiredly I dragged my hand down my face.
"No Daniel, my parents named me Vladimir because they fancied a nice Dutch name. Yes Daniel, I'm Russian! I also speak fluent Russian and took yearly vacations from the ages of five to eighteen to see my grandparents in 'the motherland'. Zavoevyvat is actually Russian for 'conquer' and was mistranslated by the immigration office when my family immigrated to America to mean Masters. Does that satisfy your curiosity?" Daniel's head shot back and he brought his hands up in a defensive gesture.
"Whoa, okay sorry! I just never really thought about it before and it took me off guard." I sighed pinching the bridge of my nose. I really hadn't meant to snap. This was certainly turning out to be a very interesting morning.
"No Daniel, it's fine." I massaged my temples for a moment. Taking the time to cool down and remind myself that I didn't have to be defined by my family history. When I was sufficiently cooled down I chuckled lightly and brought my gaze up to meet Daniel's.
"You didn't think any of that nonsense about the murder, or skinning a bear was completely ridiculous?" Daniel shrugged and shot me a lopsided grin.
"Well, my ancestors fought ghosts using flowers. And better yet, were successful. At least your family history is somewhat manly and based out of some semblance of sanity." A loud echoing laugh escaped my mouth at Daniel's sentiment. It was made all the sweeter because what he had said was true. As I wound myself down I realized that Daniel had been laughing with me. His face was also red from lack of oxygen. The realization renewed the smile on my face. I clapped Daniel lightly on the shoulder, giving him an affectionate squeeze, and started moving to put my straight razor away.
-Running to the Enemy's Arms by deadlydaisy8o8
Favorite Sorting Hat Song--
When Hogwarts' founders Snuffed It at the start of the millennium,
Their rivalries and foibles didn't cross the Lethe's banks with them;
For Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw and Slytherin and Gryffindor
Bequeathed me their authority to pick the House you're suited for.
Let other schools set entry tests and quiz your personality,
A Sorting Hat gets access to your innermost reality.
Your aptitudes and certitudes and psychoanalytical
Complexities will indicate which path will prove so critical.
Now Gryffindors are fêted for persistent feats of bravery,
And Righting every Wrong from Third-World Debt to House-elf Slavery.
They'll throw you in the thick of fine adventures that should not missed
If you can stick their heartiness and aren't too individualist.
The Hufflepuffs are loyal, fair, hardworking and meticulous,
Which makes up for the fact that Helga's surname was ridiculous.
You'd never cheat or take short cuts for laziness is criminal,
An excellent philosophy when praise you win is minimal.
The wise Rowena Ravenclaw creamed off the intellectual,
The scholarly, the witty and profoundly ineffectual,
Whose credo "Cogitamus ergo sumus" makes the best hot air -
And if you didn't get all that, don't panic, I won't put you there.
The virtues of the Serpent's house are swathed in deepest mystery,
But only slaves to simpleness would shun its checkered history,
With drive that sends you far in life and calculating brilliance-
A Slytherin, for good or ill, will make the greatest diff-er-ence.
But now my tender audience I'm sure that you have heard enough
Of Slytherin and Ravenclaw and Gryffindor and Hufflepuff,
My job's to get you Sorted and I'll brook no bribes or threats or tears,
Just put me on and trust me – I've been doing this a thousand years.
--The Potter Portraits by RebeccaRoy
--Stories I WILL Read (Providing They Actually Get Posted), Just On Principle--
Rap Attack HP - A crackfic about a thirty-year long battle between the record companies the Order of da Fenix and the Death Row Cafeteria. On one side is the legendary man with the white beard, Professa Bumblebee, and his deputies Mrs. Mini McG and Shackled King. On the other side is Riddle Me This, Sevvie "Da bat" Snape and B. Black. When the rapper who no one takes seriously, the Seer predicts of the coming of the Chosen One, in the only good rap she's ever made, Riddle orders a hit on James P and his wife. But he fails to kill Harry, who must go to the stronghold of the Order and learn the ropes, and become a rap legend. Please. Don't. Judge. Me. I need to make Killer Bee do a cameo. Not started. (OnTheImportanceOfLungs)
"Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. "Mankind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night!" We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!"
-President Thomas Whitmore from Independence Day
"This is our harbinger. It brings good tidings.
"We will be dead when it reaches you. Our planet is dying. We do not have time to save ourselves. We only have time to ready ourselves, and to send a message.
"We have seen the signals from those who came before us. They were different, and we still don't really understand them. But if there were those who came before, there may be those who come after. It is in this hope that our harbingers travel.
"One has found you and learned your language so it can relay this message. Please listen.
"The galaxy is dark, and empty, and cold. It spins inevitably toward death. You will die too, one day. Perhaps you will have longer than we have. We hope so. But one day you too must vanish.
"Until that time, you must light the darkness. You must make the night less empty. We are all small, and the universe is vast. But a universe with voices saying "I am here" is far greater than a universe silent. One voice is small, but the difference between zero and one is as great as one and infinity.
"And when your time is passing, please send this message on, so the next voice can speak against the darkness."
-SCP-1281, on the SCP wiki
We do not argue that war is better than peace; we are not so stupid as that. But it is not peace when cruelty reigns, when stronger men steal from farmers and craftworkers, when the child can be enslaved or the old thrown out to starve, and no one lifts a hand. That is not peace: that is conquest, and evil.
- Oath of Gold by Elizabeth Moon
I am the wind that troubles the water;
Will you sound the sea's depth, or
climb the mountain?
In air or in water, still I am there;
night hide you?
In deep or in darkness, still I am
Will you kindle the nova? Or kill the
In fire or in deathcold, still I am there-
"NO!" he cried from somewhere behind the trees, wild, furious, terrified. But Nita felt no fear. It was as it had been in the beginning- all of his "NOs" had never been able to stop Life's I Am.
So You Want to Be a Wizard? by Diane Duane
So rise sun, and set.
Come at me Karma, with all the strength you have.
Betray me world. Fight me, fear me, and harm me.
Waters wash me away.
Fire burn me to ash.
Destroy my body, I will fight with my soul.
For I will absorb all the damage in the world,
For every scratch Hiccup will ever take.
And I will do it a thousand times over.
For I am a dragon.
And I have a rider.
And neither of us is tame.
We will not be broken.
-Strength of a Rider by Panduh-Fox-Love
Yea, though I fly through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will Fear No Evil. For I am at 60,000 feet and climbing.
-Sign over the SR-71 Wing Ops
“Gentlemen!” declared Dobby in a proud voice, expertly twirling the emerald light. “Let us introduce you to the art of ass-whup.”
-Riddick Thoraxe357 (the emerald light is a lightsaber!)
"It's like we're one great big happy megalomaniac family," he sniffed, pretending to sound deeply touched.
The Master laughed, madly and boisterously.
-All According to the Master Plan by TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel
[talking to the unconscious alien he's dragging]
Y'know, this was supposed to be my weekend off, but noooo. You got me out here draggin' your heavy ass, through the burnin' desert, with your dreadlocks stickin' out the back of my parachute. You gotta come down here with an attitude, actin' all big and bad...
and what the hell is that smell?
[starts kicking the alien, yelling]
I could've been at a barbecue!
-Captain Steven Hiller from Independance Day
"You perverted spectacles guy!"
The Lifestream courses through our Planet back and forth across the borders of life and death. If that cycle is the very truth of life then history, too, will inevitably repeat itself. So go on - bring your Jenovas and your Sephiroths. It won't matter. We'll do as life dictates and stop you every single time.
-Rufus Shinra from FFVII
"Wow, he sure has a lot of blood."
"Not any more."
-Yu Yu Hakusho Abridged by Lanipator
Now then...what are the chances that two muscle brained idiots in a 10 by 3 foot boat with all the directional sense of Ryoga Frickin' Hibiki and no provisions can find an island before they starve?
I thought so.
-Logia Luffy: Yami Edition by Wolvenstrom
"Hey, you do you, and I'll do me, and we won't do each other. ...Probably."
Shut up! Sit your ass down in that chair and DRINK YOUR GODDAMN TEA!
-Cid Highwind from FFVII
No, I don't sparkle in the sunlight. Why do people keep asking me that? It's borderline racist.
-Louie from GaiaOnline
"Namikaze, as in Nami-freaking-Kaze, as in Nami-oh my god it's the Hirashin-kaze?" asked Tenten with awe on her face.
One Winged Angel of the Leaf: Enter Naruto by PurpleNuts
"VEGETA NO BAKA!" suddenly rang out, and Akane swung a really large mallet at the Saiyan Prince.
-A ledgend reborn by Trugeta
Don't look at me with that tone of voice!
The 'Going-Invisible' thing had been an accident, almost. 'So, you claim you're a ghost? Why should we believe you?' Fwoosh, invisibile. '…Pretty convincing argument, I have to admit. Are you still there?' Fwoosh, visible. He hadn't exactly meant to do it, but some things were sort of instinctual at this point. Apparently his sense of snark had developed a life of its own.
-Unautorized Access by Ysabet
"This is why it's always a bad idea to meet yourself, like this." the Doctor said, a bit too cheerfully, "You realise what an ass you used to be. Or will become, whichever."
"You speaking from experience?" the younger Jack asked.
"Yes. There was one memorable occasion when there were five of me at the same time. It was horrible."
-Too Many Jacks by Bad Werewolf
The Ori were a major thorn in the side of the USA government, Homeworld Security, SGC, and all freedom-loving peoples in the universe who had the GRAVE misfortune to ever run into these crusading fanatics. The relevant USA government secret ops and their foreign allies in the International Oversight Agency had managed to also jab thorns right into the Ori's figurative sides too. Yup, the Ori had realized that the Tauri (Earth humans) were very resilient and had become even determined to remove this bothersome thorn, preventing them from dominating the poor victimizable cultures of the milky way galaxy
-Tauri Furling: First Contact and Alliance by StargateFFWriter
[TV news anchor reporting]
Once again, the L.A.P.D. is asking Los Angelenos not to fire their guns at the visitor spacecraft. You may inadvertently trigger an interstellar war.
-from Independance Day
Disclaimer: I do not own 'James Bond', 'The Simpsons', 'The Flintstones' and 'The Sixth Sense'. If you are under the delusion that I do own them, then please run into the nearest available wall to rearrange your brain-cells. If you are underage then please ask permission from your parents or guardians before running into the previously discussed wall. My beta recommended using a brick wall to avoid damage to the innocent wall.
Instantly, Harry changed from a mild teen to a vicious, bloodthirsty... teen?
-Harry's Curses, by me
"We're playing soccer; you any good?"
"What's soccer?" It sounded like a game Dudley would have asked him to play.
"Wait, you have soccer in England."
"I've never heard of it."
"You know. There's a ball, and you can't touch it with your hands, except for the goalies."
"Oh, you mean football."
"No, football's the one with tackling."
"Well that's rugby."
-Isis' Bane: A New Home by althor42
Let's just say I made a deal with a certain fox demon and boom, I got to leave that hell hole before some one-eyed psychopath blew up our planet, by crashing the fucking moon into the atmosphere. No one ever said Uchiha Madara was sane.
-Ninjas Can't Catch You If You're On Fire by ZeroTheDestroyer
The mothership is calling for me
-Blue from Cyber Blue
I heard an American phrase recently—"off your rocker." It does not apply to you. You, my lord, are not merely off your rocker; you have managed to leap from your rocker, smash it to bits on the porch, and then cha-cha your way across the yard where you fell into a well, singing "A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love" on the way down.
-PS: I Hate You by TwiLyght Sans Sparkles
Sephiroth made a choked noise of exasperation. "Whoever told you life was fair?" The boy was Strife, he decided, as he grabbed one shoulder and spun him around. Chocobo Head was too empty-headed to give him such headaches, and the chocobo was fluffy and lovable. So this was Strife, and he wasn't sure which one was going to give him an aneurism first. "Rule number one to Sephiroth's Guide to Life: life is not fair. So play dirty."
"Rule number two: When the men in white coats come calling for you – and they will, I've no doubt of that – don't call the place they're taking you to the land of magic white straitjackets. It only makes them drive faster."
"Trust him on that one," chimed in a voice from the collective conscious of the Lifestream, "He's speaking from experience."
-Why Waist Length? by Silver Pard
"Yaaaaayyy, bishies! ... Shit, I'm getting infected!"
Real Daleks don't climb stairs; they level the building.
-One piece by Eichiro Oda
I challenged? I was fifteen months old you cretin. You came to kill a toddler and couldn't even manage that.
-Souls Abound by robst
"I'm glad you like your gift Orochimaru, I hope he brings you pain and suffering."
-Tsunade in UchihaItachi6660's Naruto Online Chat
Quirking an eyebrow, the Copycat sat for his debriefing. An experience that would emotionally scar him more than the Third Great Ninja War and Team Seven combined.
-Escape from the Hokage's Hat by anothvortex
"David Motherfucking Bowie!"
-LittleKuriboh's parody of Naruto: The Abridged Series
"That's right, Dad. Let's humiliate the man who can set the place on fire with his mind." Rufus sighed. "What an ass. He can't be my father. Please, someone tell me I'm a bastard."
"You're a bastard, Rufus," Scarlet obliged.
"Thank you, insufferable demon-worshiping bitch."
-This Army Life by Nicolle
Orochimaru's reference to the chakra spike "boiling space" is actually based on one of Einstein's theories wherein he speculated that people could travel to other universes if they were able to boil space. He was referring to outer space, but I tweaked the idea to my own means. That's right – I combined Naruto with theoretical physics. I'm just that awesome.
All the Jounin flinched. Try saying that when you get sent The Look by Namikaze Uzumaki Naruto.
"But, but The Look…." Stuttered Kakashi.
Hiruzen gave them the Evil Eye. It was the older brother of The Look.
-One Winged Angel of the Leaf: Enter Naruto by PurpleNuts
"That's what happens when you try to assassinate a Kage." Sarutobi said as he summoned Enma in his staff form, Naruto pulled out one of his puppet scrolls, Jiraiya formed a Rasengan, the Kazekage pulled out his spear, and the Raikage activated the jutsu that sped up his nervous system.
Orochimaru could do nothing except say, "Oh shit."
-Demon on Puppet Strings by ragnorokrising
Shukaku? KILL. KILL, KILL!! WHAT DO YOU WANT!! Kyuubi says hi …….SHIT!!
-Kyuubi's Apprentice Narutowuzhere
Chaya frowned and let it go, sending a mental note of 'Assholes' to the group of other ascended that was consistently watching her and Harry.
-Oma's Choice by jacobds
Don't tell me the sky's the limit, when there's footprints on the moon!
Harry groaned. "I thought we had a nice mutual arrangement there, Professor— I keep Neville from blowing up your classroom and you don't take out any personal grudges on me…" he sighed. Snape closed the door behind him with a snap.
-Time Warp by Kittenn1011
May your pockets always be filled to overflowing and your enemies delicious when served at your table.
-Harry Potter and the Science of Magic, by Newhobby
"I'm hungry! It feels like there are little demons clawing their way up my throat!"
"I'm used to the demons... They've built handles!"
-Me and Redskittles117
"So here we are, with main power offline, staring down the barrels of two motherships." Harry stated to his audience. The audience consisted of Teal'c, Jack, Sam, Daniel, Dr. Fraiser, Jacob Carter and General Hammond. "we were hailed in the name of Her'ur, and asked who we were, and the space monkey here replies in Goa'uld, 'Greetings, this is the great and powerful Oz!" Harry stated cracking up. Daniel ducked his head a little in embarrassment while everyone else chuckled a bit. "Next thing we know some Goa'uld is on the line asking who this great and powerful Oz is, and to yield and prepare to be boarded, then Daniel goes and says the great and powerful Oz orders you to yield." Harry laughed, "surprisingly, their confusion, and the arguing we could hear between the jaffa about who this Oz could be gave us just enough time to fix the engines and escape." Harry finished.
-Harry Potter and the Next Great Adventure by AmateurFanfic
Now that he had a clan, and one with a bloodline to boot, he was going to be able to stick it to everyone who'd ever sneered down at him, said he was worthless. He was head of a clan now, and that meant he had a seat on the council. If those assholes thought he was a pain in the ass as a prankster, he was going to be their worst nightmare now that he was in government.
-Making Uzumaki by PsyckoSama
"Yeah, just me," Soul said sheepishly, plopping down on the cream couch. "My family is pretty well off, so my parents got this for me as a sort of 'congratulations, you're a deadly weapon' present."
-Control by glorysmile
Iruka wondered about Naruto's new behaviour and new intellect. Then again, having a shuriken shoved in your intestines would change anyone, even Sasuke. Iruka Paused his musings.
Ok, maybe not Sasuke.
-One Winged Angel of the Leaf: Enter Naruto by PurpleNuts
When life gives you lemons, squeeze them and make champagne. Let the morons around you gape like children in a circus at the trick and break their heads how the fuck you did it, while your sexy assistant robs them blind with a smile.
-Reload by Case13
'One huuuuunnddrreeed and forty SEVEN!' yelped Harry, gaping at Dumbledore, 'Nobodies that old!'
-HandMeDown Clothes by Quilich
“Uh.. sensei?” said Tenten after raising her hand. “Whats D-rank missions?”
Gai smirked. GAI SMIRKED WHICH SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF HIS STUDENTS. “Oh… you’ll find out.”
-The Kageken Specialist by WritingAgain
"Bah, there is no overkill, only kill." Harry replied.
-Agent Double 0 Hex by KafkaExMachina
"I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight."
Zoë's eyes widened. "You've died?"
Sam nodded solemnly. "A couple times. Not nearly as often as Jack or Daniel. But one of those times was actually from an incident that happened on base. It just goes to show that it's a very dangerous job. You need to consider that carefully."
-The Universal Tendencies of Super Geniuses by CubsKing
I have heard a Dalek say "bloody hell". My life is complete.
-SlytherclawXD on Youtube (Let's see if a link will work!)
"Dude I'm going to kick your ass so bad not even my English dub counterpart would be able to believe it." Naruto said while Sakura looked at him in astonishment.
"Dude that was Cold." That had to be the worst insult she ever heard from her blonde teammate.
-Naruto: life is a Game by rebukex7
Snape glared at Harry. "Tell me boy, why did the hat put you in Gryffindor instead of Slytherin?"
Harry shrugged, feeling rather magnanimous. "Body count, sir."
Snape nodded. "I'd suspected as much. I still loath you; just so you know."
"The feeling is mutual, I assure you," Harry replied.
-Agent Double 0 Hex by KafkaExMachina
Unit-01 grabbed it in a flying tackle. Buildings in their way crumpled into rubble. Its eyes glowed with primal fury. As the Angel stood up, the Eva got it right at what passed for its jaw. Backhand across the same place, sending the Angel reeling. Hard punches right over its face. Knifelike palm thrusts to just below the ribs. More and more wild punches. Finishing off with a shinbone groin crushing kick extravaganza. The Angel had no expression and no genitalia, but one could almost see a 'gleep?' on its bonelike mask.
-Shinji and Warhammer40k by Charles Bhepin
"Oi, we forgot Fenrir!" the stranger cried. "Take us back for my bike!" Kanzeon Bosatsu snapped her fingers and the motorcycle appeared. Then surprisingly it transformed into a wolf pup. Fenrir, in puppy form, woofed happily and bounded over to his Alpha. Cloud gaped at his motorcycle's wagging tail and slobbering tongue. "Fenrir?" He was barked at and he blinked. He looked at the goddess. He turned a bright red. "THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY MOTORCYCLE!" he screeched.
-Delivery Boy in Shangri La by Diaphanous
"It seems I was a bit too unspecific in my instructions to the jewel device," said Harry with an evil looking grin. "I asked it to download what I needed…and it interpreted that rather liberally."
"What do you mean?" asked Mayborne.
"Say hello to the entire NID database," said Harry gesturing to the jewel device.
"You're kidding," said Jack in surprise.
"Nope," said Harry, "I think it's safe to say that the NID will be backing off."
-Harry Potter: An Ancient's Journey by keiranhalcyon2010
Irons can’t believe the ineptitude of that idiot Inuzuka!
-The Marauders by 30CK
Hawkeye can’t help but hire harlots to whore out to hounds of hentai.
-The Marauders by 30CK
Sparky spies on shinobi and slices sushi when he sends scrolls to Sensei.
-The Maraudersby 30CK
Spitfire spits fuckin’ fire
-The Marauders by 30CK
"What could possibly go wrong?"
-Famous Last Words
Pronto, but you're doing the dealing, I have no plans on dealing with a demon. They have better lawyers.
-Pharcyd3 on DevArt
The Uzumaki family (plus one very annoyed Uchiha) came across a small village one afternoon. Harley decided that they would spend the night at the inn. Itachi ordered his own room and paid for it himself. Joker decided that Naruto should have his own room as well, and Harley hesitantly agreed. Naruto seemed a little worried, but then Harley eased his fears.
"Naruto, you do realize you are scarier than anything that might try to get to you in the dark, right?"
"Good point. Goodnight, Kaa-san!"
-The Laughing Fox by Lord Dragon Claw
Kate: Are you sayin’ we got rebooted?
Henry: Uh-huh. I am definitely havin’ a Vista moment.
Having lightning going through your torso is not a good memory. If that ever happened to him in real life, he'd shove Masamune somewhere unpleasant ( or pleasant depending on the individuals preference.)
At the Uchiha Complex:
'Must kill Itachi, Must Kill Itachi' chanted an mentally unstable Sasuke Uchiha.
The universe shifted.
'Must not piss of Naruto, Must not piss of Naruto' he thought nervously.
Sometimes, karma isn't a bitch.
-One Winged Angel of the Leaf: Enter Naruto by PurpleNuts
“Guard me for a moment. I really don't feel like bringing out a summon. Be warned, though, I AM A NINJA, and if you try to kill me, well, let's just say the muscle-memory for snapping someone's neck is deeply ingrained in me.”
-The Sword Theif by me
Kurenai jumped up and Kiba smashed into the ground debris flew up in huge chunks… ‘Shit what the hell is that… wait a minute WAS THAT WHAT KAKA-SHIT WAS TALKING ABOUT’
-Shunpo Naruto by TenhiSaWaDa
"You think?!" Harry answered, barely lifting his head off the table, "What convinced you to start with how to build a giant freeze ray and to talk about how it all works. My brain feels like it's about to explode! …and don't say that's impossible, because I don't feel like arguing what is or isn't possible."
-Two's a Crowd: The Beginning by The Writing Therapist
Snape nodded, then pointed a stern look at Harry. “Refrain from wandering off, little person.”
-Time Meant Nothing, Never Would Again by Monopoly
"Your stupidity is blinding. Please turn it off"
Silence is golden, duck-tape is sliver
Hinata cocked her head. "I… I'm well versed in formal dining."
"Can you incapacitate somebody with a spoon?"
Ino gawked. Tenten stared. Hinata was left blinking. "Um, no?"
"Then ya ain't well versed enough." Ranma countered, but smiled. "But you can probably help me out with these two."
"My calligraphy is very good!" Ino blurted and Ranma shared a knowing smile with her.
"Mine can cut through walls."
-Tales of the FoxCat by Ozallos
"So this is what it's like to be a kindergarten teacher."
“Alas! I am slain!” Kakashi said as shuriken chain cut him in two.
“Nice try, but the log was already dead,” Sasuke said flatly.
-It's For a Good Cause, I Swear! by Sarah1281
"Food is essential to life, therefore, make it good."
-S. Truett Cathy
“My pleasure. A martial artist's duty is to defend the weak. A martial artist's pleasure is to bust open twat face. The Amazons have a similar creed, do they not, Cologne?”
The Girl Who Loved by Darth Drafter
“Your voice is far too loud for the occasion, Kiba.”
-The Marauders by 30CK
It should be noted that, while a former disciple of fate, Neji was completely unaware of its cousin Murphy. As he was about to learn, anything that could go wrong, was about to go wrong in spades.
-Escape from the Hokage's Hat by anothvortex
"I dunno what the hell's in there, but it's wierd and pissed off whatever it is."
“...What? That's it? Are you KIDDING?” Tom -or Voldemort- shouted incredulously.
-Harry's Curses, by me
And so, the Society for the Promotion of Understanding of Dementors (or SPUD for short) was born.
-All The Dementors of Azkaban by LifeWriter
And then Snape told little Harry all about magic (“It’s like physics, only without all those pesky laws”), magical government (“Just as bad as muggle government, but with more pesky laws”), and the truth about his parents.
-Time Meant Nothing, Never Would Again by Monopoly
"There's no fire escape in hell, so don't go there!"
-a church sign
“Up yours, bastard!” Kiba and Kizuna chorused.
-Kizune by Kyogre
She doesn't die. Like, really, being healed by a curaga is like kami slapping you in the face and telling you to wake up.
"What are you smoking?"
-Redskittles117 and I
Severus Snape couldn’t help but laugh. He was alive, Voldemort was pissed, and Harry Potter should’ve been a Slytherin.
-Beast Lord by Ceres K.
Kabuto was seen chasing after him. “Orochimaru-sama, don’t forget your medication!”
-The Naruto Omake Files: Innortal Style by Innortal
'Yes, yes, it's on the mantelpiece in the urn. No, not that one, that's Grandmother, the floo powder's in the maroon one.'
-Mrs Figg in HandMeDown Clothes by Quilich
"Somebody ate Doug?"
"Let me, Baachan. Lee taught me to speak a little Youth". Naruto cleared his throat.
'I'll need a wash after this, I just know it'.
"Gai-Sensei, our Youthful Hokage wishes you to train me. My Flames of Youth have recently flared into a conflagration beyond my ability to control. Your Youthful Training skills are needed to restore my Youthfulness to balance".
'I feel so dirty'.
"There, there kit. It'll be ok".
"Ah! I see!" cried the exuberant jounin as understanding dawned. "Of course I shall train you! Arrive at training ground seventeen after your team meeting and I shall begin your Youthful Training. I shall now go and prepare! By your leave, Hokage-sama?"
Gai bounded from the room at Tsunade's wordless not, passing a stunned-looking Shizune in the corridor.
"You have a gift for languages, huh Naruto?" Tsunade queried in a slightly vacant tone.
"I don't wanna talk about it."
-Oops by Smylingsnake
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
"... and old psychotic people are just plain funny!"
"Edward is a 108-year-old virgin so he's obviously got issues."
“I could kill you in one of seven different vital areas in under a second without you realizing. I'd suggest you reconsider that remark.”
-Naruto to Tazuna Living Behind a Mask-Synica
"We love theology, we love apologetics, and we love heretics- because they taste good!"
-Pastor Mark Driscoll
"Only three things are infinite. Death, knowledge, and stupidity. And I’m not so sure about the first two."
-Shinigami, Naruto: Librarian of The Mystic Archives,rpgkipp(i think it got deleted! D=)
"There is a fine line between sanity and insanity and I have white out."
“My name is Uzumaki Naruto, and the impossible is my specialty!”
-from Konoha no Aoikaen by Agayek
"Kyuubi/Demons/Summons/Extremely pissed off Naruto"
'Kyuubi/Demons/Summons/Extremely pissed off Naruto thoughts'