Abrokenheart325
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Joined 03-04-09, id: 1856223, Profile Updated: 08-02-10

a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar o f Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when I get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?

4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film “did you see that?”. No Loser, I paid 12 dollars to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.

8. When people say “life is short”. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

10 Commandments of a Teenager

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)
2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)
3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Walmart has a bigger selection)
4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)
5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)
6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)
7) Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)
8) Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)
9) Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "just do it")
10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave'm in the middle)

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Tattoos and Sex Addictions by uselessid90 reviews
Bella is a tattoo artist is Seattle, she has a addiction to all things sex. Edward just moved to Seattle with his sisters and is into the tattoo scene even though his body is bare. Rated M for language, lemons/sexual references, etc.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 32 - Words: 88,364 - Reviews: 671 - Favs: 783 - Follows: 688 - Updated: 7/24/2014 - Published: 11/11/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
To Be Loved by Pieces Of Winter reviews
Little Mike Newton isn't as innocent as he is made out to be. He gets what he wants, and he wants Bella. Can Edward help Bella cope with her rape?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 7 - Words: 10,062 - Reviews: 195 - Favs: 155 - Follows: 197 - Updated: 11/24/2010 - Published: 8/9/2007 - Bella, Edward
Lady Of The Knight by ObsessingOverEdward reviews
One rainy night and a bit of bad luck has two complete strangers thrown together in a chance encounter. Bitter by an unfaithful wife Edward runs away to New York where he takes in an unlikely companion with a questionable occupation. Pretty Woman AU/AH,
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 26 - Words: 97,160 - Reviews: 3658 - Favs: 4,299 - Follows: 1,264 - Updated: 11/16/2010 - Published: 9/21/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Alphabet Weekends by the-glory-days reviews
Bored with their dismal love lives, best friends Edward and Bella come up with the idea of exploring the world of sex using the alphabet for the next twenty-six weekends. What happens when things go from two friends having fun to something serious? AH OOC
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 34 - Words: 124,991 - Reviews: 11411 - Favs: 11,122 - Follows: 5,796 - Updated: 3/13/2010 - Published: 3/12/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Wife Swap: Cullen Vs Newton by hotflower06 reviews
5 years after Breaking Dawn, both Edward and Bella and the recent married Jessica and Mike end up on Wife Swap. What will happen? Does Mike still love Bella? how can the Cullens possibly hide they're secret with Jessica around? And who's James?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Family/Drama - Chapters: 27 - Words: 34,469 - Reviews: 518 - Favs: 249 - Follows: 209 - Updated: 3/13/2010 - Published: 1/2/2009 - Bella, Jessica
Tortured Lullaby by astrohuckleberry reviews
Sequel to Not What She Seems. Bella and Edward have been searching for their daughter for years, looking in every country. But when they have their "wedding" Tanya and her clan come to visit bringing a certain someone. Rated T for language.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 22 - Words: 38,375 - Reviews: 475 - Favs: 174 - Follows: 173 - Updated: 12/17/2009 - Published: 12/30/2008 - Bella, Edward
Why Do Good Girls Like Bad Boys? by BloodsuckingLeech reviews
Bella,Alice & Rosalie are violent, moody, bad girl best friends in a punk band called "Royally Screwed." Edward,Jasper & Emmett are the new bad boys in school. When they meet, Forks High becomes their battle ground. AU-some human, some not. R&R !
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 33 - Words: 69,195 - Reviews: 1795 - Favs: 1,212 - Follows: 668 - Updated: 8/19/2009 - Published: 1/16/2008 - Bella, Edward
Cigarette Burns by Daddy's Little Cannibal reviews
AH. Bella is a local junkie and Edward is a famous artist. He meets Bella outside of one of his art shows and she ends up going home with him. ExB.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 16 - Words: 43,585 - Reviews: 1072 - Favs: 1,024 - Follows: 541 - Updated: 5/28/2009 - Published: 5/25/2009 - Bella, Edward
Place Your Bets by vanillabeans reviews
Collaboration with KatieBelleCullen - Manwhore Edward bets Emmett that he can remain abstinent for 40 days and nights;that was before the vixen Bella moved to Forks and set her sights on the delectable Edward Cullen. AU/OOC. M for EXTREME SMUT/PROFANITY
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 12 - Words: 74,394 - Reviews: 1495 - Favs: 1,467 - Follows: 1,693 - Updated: 5/14/2009 - Published: 10/5/2008 - Bella, Edward
One Year in Heaven's Hell by hellopants reviews
This is the sequel to The Curse of the Smiley. It will make no sense if you don't read Smiley first. Our little Oren is teaching Edward and Bella a few new tricks! Read and enjoy!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 34 - Words: 68,043 - Reviews: 1987 - Favs: 1,184 - Follows: 1,146 - Updated: 5/13/2009 - Published: 3/9/2008 - Complete
The Curse of the Smiley by hellopants reviews
Bella and Alice love life at college, they are best friends and have a great apartment. Then Bella finds out she is pregnant from a one night stand with Alice's cousin.. Edward! Rated M for chp 17! I do not own twilight or the Characters, all human.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 33 - Words: 71,459 - Reviews: 1700 - Favs: 2,245 - Follows: 688 - Updated: 5/13/2009 - Published: 12/31/2007 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Strong On the Surface by ebony hope reviews
AU:Bella is living with Charlie in Forks. But he's abusing her and his fiancee, Esme. The Cullens move to town, and theres a chance the secret might be revealed.Canon. DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT STEPHENIE MEYER :CHANGED PENNAME FORMERLY somethin' to believe in
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 15 - Words: 30,109 - Reviews: 273 - Favs: 86 - Follows: 113 - Updated: 4/15/2009 - Published: 12/26/2008 - Bella, Edward
The Lie Detector Test by TeaCullen reviews
*Complete* What started off as a joke turned into the game of a lifetime. Who would survive the questioning and what surprises do the Cullen's have in store for each other? Rated M for language, suggestive themes, ect. Cannon pairings. OOC at times. R&R.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 19 - Words: 30,579 - Reviews: 157 - Favs: 118 - Follows: 52 - Updated: 4/6/2009 - Published: 2/5/2009 - Renesmee C./Nessie, Maggie - Complete
Matter of Convenience by amgglekim reviews
Edward and Bella meet at the bar one night, each mending their own broken heart. Some shots of tequila and a night of hot sex later, what will happen? Will they fall in love or fall apart? Re-write of ArmyWife by SwayintheMoonlight.Taken with permission
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 6 - Words: 15,139 - Reviews: 249 - Favs: 178 - Follows: 303 - Updated: 3/30/2009 - Published: 1/25/2009 - Bella, Edward
Temptation by Emiliana Keladry reviews
Beaten and enslaved in a brothel house... what would draw him to such a broken spirit? Bella/Edward
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Tragedy/Romance - Chapters: 22 - Words: 42,148 - Reviews: 653 - Favs: 346 - Follows: 211 - Updated: 3/18/2009 - Published: 9/26/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
The Manly Art of Wenching by TheThreeSmutketeers reviews
The Three Musketeers and their new companion have stopped at a tavern to drown their woes and bask in the company of some very willing women. In the process, their new companion gets a much needed lesson in the manly art of wenching. SMUTx4
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 14,643 - Reviews: 95 - Favs: 121 - Follows: 61 - Updated: 2/5/2009 - Published: 2/1/2009
Going Cullen by Shekiah Rosay reviews
A true-to-the-story account of each of the original seven members of the Cullen family meeting Carlisle, joining the coven, and experiencing true family for the first time. Special extended Jasper and Alice scene now included, as requested!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Family/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 7 - Words: 18,510 - Reviews: 54 - Favs: 50 - Follows: 24 - Updated: 2/2/2009 - Published: 10/8/2008 - Carlisle - Complete
Will Work Fer Smut by vanillabeans reviews
NC-17 One-Shot! Bella, being engrossed in a happily fulfilling, if conventional relationship, returns home one evening to find a side of Edward she's never seen before... a side we like to call: Domward. Written solely for my bb antiaol. NC-17/MA
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,287 - Reviews: 203 - Favs: 618 - Follows: 221 - Published: 1/31/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Natural Love by Nastia Cullen reviews
Renesmee, Jacob, and the rest of the Cullens go to school. What if Renesmee falls in love with .... a human? How will Jacob and the Cullens react? Nessie/OC
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 10 - Words: 13,899 - Reviews: 212 - Favs: 76 - Follows: 78 - Updated: 1/19/2009 - Published: 11/14/2008 - Renesmee C./Nessie
Not What She Seems by astrohuckleberry reviews
DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU READ THE FIRST ONE! THIS IS THE SEQUEL. Last time we saw Melody her parents left her in an orphanage. But what will happen to Bella and Edward's precious Melody when she comes back? How will they hide the secrets? Drama. COMPLETE!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 42 - Words: 47,370 - Reviews: 789 - Favs: 178 - Follows: 130 - Updated: 12/28/2008 - Published: 9/20/2008 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Smile For Me by Daddy's Little Cannibal reviews
Edward is a firefighter that is spending the night with his wife when he gets paged to put out a fire. BXE All human. For Jayeliwood’s Sexy Edward Contest. One-shot. Lemon. Voting has started!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,707 - Reviews: 323 - Favs: 569 - Follows: 104 - Updated: 9/24/2008 - Published: 8/23/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Songs of a life by astrohuckleberry reviews
Edward and the others left Forks leaving a pregnant Bella. Now 14 years later Bella has died of cancer and now her daughter is going to Forks highschool to meet the most unlikely people that has come back to make her life complicated. Complete, amazingly
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 23 - Words: 26,279 - Reviews: 239 - Favs: 278 - Follows: 120 - Updated: 9/19/2008 - Published: 8/13/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Picking Charlie's Brain by vjgm reviews
It is Post Breaking Dawn, and Bella is changed, and married to Edward. Charlie finds out that Bella is a vampire, but no one believes him. They take him to the hospital and put him under the care of the skilled Dr. Dover! Fun ensues :
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,413 - Reviews: 380 - Favs: 401 - Follows: 107 - Published: 7/31/2008 - Charlie S. - Complete
Never Too Late by l'heure bleue reviews
—”My Miracle, My Angel” Sequel!— As Edward readies his baseball bat and Bella prepares ”the talk”, Arianna braves her first year of high school. Life isn't easy as a half-vampire teenager, though ... especially when you're in love with a Vampire Hunter.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 28 - Words: 76,655 - Reviews: 3586 - Favs: 963 - Follows: 494 - Updated: 7/28/2008 - Published: 5/28/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Mommy's Letter by l'heure bleue reviews
It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I did it. I moved on, Edward, just like you asked. ExB
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,912 - Reviews: 610 - Favs: 602 - Follows: 93 - Published: 7/14/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Bucket List by nothingleft reviews
Edward wants to make sure Bella doesn't miss out on any of life's important moments. Bella's only got the one request. The Cullen clan take it upon themselves to make sure Bella doesn't miss a thing. Pure fluff.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 10,317 - Reviews: 227 - Favs: 130 - Follows: 182 - Updated: 7/14/2008 - Published: 7/9/2008
My Miracle, My Angel by l'heure bleue reviews
My name is Bella Swan, and I'm pregnant. My fiancé is overprotective, and won't even let me walk up the stairs alone. So what could possibly go wrong? Mood swings, cravings and name games, to name a few. — WINNER of 4 Twilight Awards! WRITTEN BEFORE BD!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 35 - Words: 100,422 - Reviews: 3546 - Favs: 2,748 - Follows: 826 - Updated: 5/28/2008 - Published: 3/22/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Oops? by l'heure bleue reviews
—3: Rock Hard— "Rock HARD ON... get it?" It was on a normal day that I almost died for the second time. Or ... as normal a day as humanly – haha! Humanly ... – possible at the Cullen house.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 2,430 - Reviews: 443 - Favs: 348 - Follows: 218 - Updated: 5/6/2008 - Published: 4/8/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
One Dozen Roses by Angel Ren reviews
Fluff! Again! Twilight, Valentine's Day. Three weeks after the Tyler's Van incident, Bella Swan finds herself on the radar for many a suitor. But who in the world keeps leaving her roses in the most impossible places? BellaEdward Fluffic! Series
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 8 - Words: 21,671 - Reviews: 883 - Favs: 1,464 - Follows: 307 - Updated: 1/18/2008 - Published: 1/7/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Shattered Glass by YoricksSkull reviews
The pain would last her a life time.......Poems based on Twilight,New Moon,Eclipse please R&R!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Poetry - Chapters: 4 - Words: 580 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 10/1/2007 - Published: 9/20/2007 - Complete