TactlessChessur
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Poll: Should I write the Glee/Hunger Games crossover, "On Sleepless Roads"? Vote Now!
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Joined 03-09-09, id: 1861205, Profile Updated: 12-13-12
Author has written 18 stories for Twilight, Harry Potter, and Glee.

Things to do on an Elevator:

CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

MEOW occasionally.

STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly

SAY -DING at each floor.

SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.

MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."

WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."

WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"

DROP a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"

BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

SWAT at flies that don't exist.

CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.


Warning Labels

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents, if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts after using this product.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(But no peas?)

On an Amerian Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)


Welcome to my profile!

I like to think that I'm not too much of an idiot, so I'm not going to put any personal information here.

For all intents and purposes, call me Chess.

It's likely I don't know you, so why the hell would I tell you my age?

I live in the shadows. Try and find me.

I have issues completing my stories. I get tonnes of plot bunnies, and they start off well. However, after several generations of inbreeding, the offspring become infertile and they fail to progress any further in the family line of chapters.

If you see something you don't like, close your eyes and count to ten. If it's still there when you look again, feel free to begin the screaming.

Yes, my hair is ginger. What the hell are you going to do about it?

My friends and family are the most important people in my life. As a result, that is exactly what I will protect them with.

Everybody needs looking after sometimes. I'm going to be a doctor.

I love Alice in Wonderland. I want to be the Mad Hatter when I grow up.

You may have noticed by now that my profile is just a junction of meaningless sentences. If you have, congratulations. If you haven't, you're really unobservant.

I've never been particularly good at writing profiles. Maybe you should just skip this bit and review my wonderful stories.

Yeah. I like that plan.

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Isolation by Bex-chan reviews
He can't leave the room. Her room. And it's all the Order's fault. Confined to a small space with only the Mudblood for company, something's going to give. Maybe his sanity. Maybe not. "There," she spat. "Now your Blood's filthy too!" DM/HG. PostHBP.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 48 - Words: 278,881 - Reviews: 10782 - Favs: 9,364 - Follows: 9,607 - Updated: 4/5 - Published: 9/2/2010 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
River of Magic, Hermione's Song Book 2 by DWDuck reviews
With the knowledge of who Voldemort really is, The Doctor and Hermione recruit old friends to help with the destruction of the Horcruxes.
Crossover - Doctor Who & Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 22 - Words: 89,971 - Reviews: 292 - Favs: 265 - Follows: 368 - Updated: 9/6/2013 - Published: 11/22/2011 - 11th Doctor, Hermione G. - Complete
Separate Ways by CMPerry reviews
Jessie and James are separated by the Boss and each given new partners. But when Jessie becomes seriously ill, who will be there for her? Rocketshipping.
Pokémon - Rated: T - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 15 - Words: 21,046 - Reviews: 91 - Favs: 45 - Follows: 21 - Updated: 1/10/2013 - Published: 12/8/2010 - Jessie/Musashi, James/Kojirō - Complete
Miles to Go Before I Sleep by Penelope Cross reviews
Senior year was supposed to mean everything, right? Cheerios, Glee Nationals, Brittany, it was all supposed to be Santana's. What happens when everything gets taken from her? What happens when she literally has nothing left?
Glee - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 27 - Words: 103,621 - Reviews: 177 - Favs: 206 - Follows: 177 - Updated: 4/11/2012 - Published: 10/11/2011 - Santana L., Brittany P. - Complete
The Killer in Me by lizardmm reviews
What would have happened if the Initiative had put a chip in FAITH and not SPIKE? Takes place months after Season 4's "Who Are You?"
Buffy: The Vampire Slayer - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 27 - Words: 108,575 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 55 - Follows: 11 - Published: 1/30/2012 - Buffy S., Faith L. - Complete
48 Hours by lizardmm reviews
Faith offers Angel a challenge he can't refuse. She has 48 hours to seduce Buffy. If she fails, Faith must turn herself in for the murder of Allan Finch. If she succeeds, she wins her freedom. But what happens when seduction turns to love? S3, Bad Girls
Buffy: The Vampire Slayer - Rated: M - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 4 - Words: 25,216 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 28 - Follows: 5 - Published: 1/25/2012 - Faith L., Buffy S. - Complete
WantTakeHave by lizardmm reviews
Set during Season 4: What should have happened when Faith woke up from her coma. Short PWP.
Buffy: The Vampire Slayer - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,252 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 20 - Follows: 1 - Published: 1/25/2012 - Buffy S., Faith L. - Complete
Dirty Little Secret by lizardmm
The Scoobies are scattered around the globe at various Slayer Training Academies, but Buffy remains in Cleveland to guard over the Hellmouth. How will the Chosen One react when she realizes she's not the only slayer on the Hellmouth...again. Post-Chosen
Buffy: The Vampire Slayer - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 13,409 - Favs: 9 - Published: 1/25/2012 - Buffy S., Faith L. - Complete
Girlfriend by littleoases reviews
"And that's the first time. That's the first time she uses that term. She reels a little bit when she realizes it. Girlfriend. My girlfriend. She just referred to Brittany as her girlfriend." Season 3 Brittana.
Glee - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,941 - Reviews: 39 - Favs: 139 - Follows: 9 - Published: 12/17/2011 - Brittany P., Santana L. - Complete
The Downfall of Greed by tcarlson reviews
*NOTE RATING CHANGE* Lucius is charged with breaking Hermione Granger so the Dark Lord can do with her as he wishes. When it comes time to give Hermione over, Lucius's greed gets the better of him.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 30 - Words: 50,145 - Reviews: 200 - Favs: 191 - Follows: 111 - Updated: 7/20/2011 - Published: 2/15/2011 - Lucius M., Hermione G. - Complete
All Because of a Kiss by Sensula reviews
Hermione is a seeker for Gryffindor's Quidditch team. She hates Malfoy. Malfoy hates her. Unfortunately, one incident and a Christmas Holiday might just change their outlook of each other.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 33 - Words: 54,118 - Reviews: 203 - Favs: 316 - Follows: 138 - Updated: 6/13/2011 - Published: 3/31/2011 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
The Marauders' Advice Thingy by thishasbeenabanadoned reviews
The Marauders are proud to announce that from herein The Marauders Advice Thingy now exists! The idea is YOU ask US for advice and we reply with our guidance, better judgement and inherently witty remarks.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 31 - Words: 161,887 - Reviews: 616 - Favs: 302 - Follows: 169 - Updated: 4/21/2011 - Published: 9/17/2006
I Know I'll Wake Soon by JasperSAYSrelax128 reviews
Two-shot about when Alice and Bella race to save Edward in Volterra. Bella is ordered to die, and Edward and Alice protect her, and end up dying in front of her. Will there be an afterlife after all?
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Angst - Chapters: 3 - Words: 2,583 - Reviews: 69 - Favs: 61 - Follows: 24 - Updated: 1/26/2011 - Published: 8/19/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Carlisle's doctor by mpg reviews
Ever wonder how Carlisle Cullen really decided to live the "vegetarian" lifestyle? It all came down to the victim of his first attempt at hunting. How will this "victim" change the course of his destiny. **On hiatus**
Crossover - Doctor Who & Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Sci-Fi/Supernatural - Chapters: 38 - Words: 126,296 - Reviews: 152 - Favs: 95 - Follows: 87 - Updated: 8/1/2010 - Published: 10/25/2009 - 10th Doctor, Carlisle
Not all Wounds are Healed by Time by irishgirl686 reviews
So, this takes place after Edward says his goodbye in New Moon. He allows one other person to see Bella before the Cullens leave, and it's Carlisle. Story continues from there. enjoy and review.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 42 - Words: 79,533 - Reviews: 2144 - Favs: 1,174 - Follows: 794 - Updated: 11/29/2009 - Published: 12/21/2008 - Bella, Carlisle - Complete
Click Your Heels And Wish For Me by xxfanpirexx reviews
Bella reinvents herself over the summer and catches the eye of Jasper Whitlock, one of the school's most eligible bachelors. But when the two become Forks High's hottest couple, what happens when its a friend who betrays you the worst? BxJ AH AU non-canon
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 23 - Words: 32,221 - Reviews: 385 - Favs: 244 - Follows: 187 - Updated: 8/11/2009 - Published: 1/4/2009 - Bella, Jasper - Complete
The Betrothal by Twilight51545888 reviews
Full Sum inside. Bella's Father passes away and the will is read. In it, its stated that she will marry Jacob Black, so the Swan Corporation can grow with help of the Black Corporation. The Twist? She is not in love with him, and has only one way out... Marriage to another man. Can Edward help? What if they are not in love? Can they make it through everything? Over 100,000 HITS!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 17 - Words: 67,568 - Reviews: 226 - Favs: 314 - Follows: 147 - Updated: 7/29/2009 - Published: 5/11/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Bubble Bella by FireFalconDeux reviews
Because Bella obviously can't do ANYTHING for herself, Edward figures out how to keep her safe until they can stabbity James. Bella has other ideas. Crackfic, rated K. Beware the Edward bashing. Reviews are love, please do so. :D
Twilight - Rated: K - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,106 - Reviews: 26 - Favs: 39 - Follows: 6 - Published: 9/29/2008 - Bella, James - Complete
Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Reassemble Me reviews
"You're my Songbird, you know that San? And Songbirds keep singing, remember? So you can't give up on me. You've got to wake up, so you can sing again."
Glee - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,567 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 34 - Follows: 8 - Updated: 12/13/2012 - Published: 3/6/2012 - Brittany P., Santana L. - Complete
The Games They Play reviews
Mrs Pierce reflects on Brittany's and Santana's shared childhood and the things that the games always represented. A collection of short one shots, in Brittany's mother's POV. Brittana, but very mild - they are kids, after all! Will be updated regularly.
Glee - Rated: K+ - English - Friendship/Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 1,915 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 21 - Follows: 27 - Updated: 12/13/2012 - Published: 3/13/2012 - Brittany P., Santana L. - Complete
May Angels Lead You In reviews
You never expect it to happen on a bad day - but just like that the light's been put out, leaving you wrapped in an icy blanket of darkness. Warning: Character death
Glee - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,593 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 6/11/2012 - Published: 5/17/2012 - Brittany P., Santana L. - Complete
Don't Try To Fix Me reviews
He told her to leave. He told her that some things shouldn't be fixed, that they were so awful that they simply ought to remain broken. She agreed; but still she helped him.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,453 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 2 - Published: 6/3/2011 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Tremble reviews
Typically, Hermione and Draco are stuck in another cupboard. With no obvious approaching escape, an interesting conversation ensues. All Dialogue. Is being continued, but can be read as complete.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 6,868 - Reviews: 121 - Favs: 210 - Follows: 82 - Updated: 1/9/2011 - Published: 11/29/2010 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Gypsy Hollow reviews
Hermione was riding horses before she could walk. When her parents died when she was just a few months old, she moved to live with her uncle on his ranch. Imagine her surprise when one summer, Draco Malfoy arrives for lessons. AU. Still magical.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Friendship/Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 11,000 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 36 - Follows: 66 - Updated: 9/1/2010 - Published: 8/17/2010 - Hermione G., Draco M.
Tickling Seduction reviews
You would never know it, but Draco Malfoy is extremely ticklish. As you can guess, he doesn't often enjoy being ambushed - except when he can turn the game around.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 560 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 51 - Follows: 6 - Published: 7/28/2010 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Thinking About Nothing reviews
Hermione finds her best friend sitting down by a river, "thinking about nothing". But what on earth is that supposed to mean? And exactly where will her non-thoughts take her?
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Friendship/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,615 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 22 - Published: 7/28/2010 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
The Way I Loved You reviews
Hermione and Draco had a secret relationship for months, full of love, passion, and hidden affairs. Only, Hermione doesn't want it to be a secret anymore, but Draco refuses to speak out - so she gives up. Based on Taylor Swift's song.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,207 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 57 - Follows: 5 - Published: 7/28/2010 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Tag, You're It reviews
Hermione instigates a game of tag. One that will result in lots or rolling down hills, stumbling over grass, and being pushed into a lake. Oh, the fun - but who will give first?
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 675 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 29 - Follows: 2 - Published: 7/28/2010 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Splashing Kiss reviews
Trying to earn her forgiveness, Draco pesters Hermione with apologies. But then he wants a kiss, and maybe Hermione doesn't feel like giving him one. Somebody is going to get very wet.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 662 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 27 - Follows: 2 - Published: 7/28/2010 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Madam Pince is Not Oblivious reviews
Madam Pince would watch the pair walk into the library, one after the other, attempting to be inconspicuous. She knew they thought she didn't notice, but she did.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 356 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 26 - Published: 7/28/2010 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Lions and Snakes reviews
Hermione is working at a private zoo. When Draco Malfoy turns up for a tour one day, there will be trouble. But what is Malfoy trying to do in a place full of muggles? Surely he should be running away with a scream?
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,950 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 1 - Published: 7/28/2010 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
It Only Beats For You reviews
When Draco can't sleep because of a certain girl haunting his dreams, he wanders the castle. But then he finds the girl in question at the astronomy tower. Can he save her? And does she want to be saved?
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,935 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 38 - Follows: 2 - Published: 7/28/2010 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Bad Dreams and Mobile Phones reviews
When Hermione wakes up in the middle of the night, too afraid of dreams to fall back to sleep, she finds herself extremely releived that she thought to give Draco a mobile for his birthday.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 674 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 35 - Follows: 2 - Published: 7/28/2010 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Circle One reviews
When Bella starts her first year, she meets Edward Masen, a boy with a strange approach of asking things. One-Shot, All Human.
Twilight - Rated: K - English - Friendship/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,786 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 54 - Follows: 12 - Published: 12/21/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Loved and Lost reviews
Alice was Bella's world. She loved her with everything she had, and then Alice left. Slowly, Bella gets her life back on track, until she is visited by the Cullens with news of an unexpected tragedy. New version of "Loved and Left". One-Shot.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy/Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,794 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 3 - Updated: 12/21/2009 - Published: 7/6/2009 - Alice, Bella - Complete
In The Chemical Cabinet reviews
Bella has been lusting after Edward Cullen since she started Forks High. When she is locked in the chemical cabinet by Emmett as a practical joke, what will happen when she finds Edward has been locked in with her? AH
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3,506 - Reviews: 26 - Favs: 85 - Follows: 20 - Updated: 12/21/2009 - Published: 12/19/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
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mpg (32)
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