Author has written 5 stories for Maximum Ride.
Funny one-liners and stuff! Yay!:
-Person # 1: Happiness is just around the corner.
Person # 2: Too bad the world is round!
-Never knock on deaths door, ring the doorbell and hide, he hates that.
-I'm not afraid of death; what's it gonna do, kill me?
-Your wierdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.
-WARNING: DO NOT follow in my footsteps...I tend to walk into walls and off the occasional cliff.
-I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun!
-Growing old is mandatory, growing up however...
-Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticze them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
-You see dead people, but I see regular people and it burns!!
-I'm not clumsy, the floor just hates me!
-Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
-Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
-It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.
-I don't suffer from insanity, I am enjoying every minute of it.
-I believe that you should live everyday as if its your last, which is why my room is such a mess. I mean come on who wants to clean their room on their last day?!
-Silence is golden, duct tape is silver...
-Officer, I swear to drunk I'm not God!
-When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then watch the world wonder how you did it.
-If you don't like the way I drive then stay off the sidewalks.
-Life is like a pack of gum...I've yet to figure out why.
-Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
-Come to the dark side...we found the Cullens!
-I smile because I have no idea what is going on.
-I used to be normal, then I met the freaks I call friends (I love you guys! :D)
-Therapist= The/rapist...scary thought
-There is no "I" in TEAM, but there is an "I" in PIE, and thereis an "I" in MEATPIE, and MEAT is an anogram of TEAM...
-I'm not paronoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS!!
-Parents spend the first half of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and then for the rest of our lives tell us to sit down and SHUT UP!!
-You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder while coming in a boat to save your sorry butt!
-I'm the kind of girl who will burst out laughing in the middle of dead silence because of something that I just got that happened yesterday
-Isn't it funny how the word politics is made up of the Latin word "poli" meaning many and "tics" meaning blood-sucking creatures?
-What happens if you get scared to death twice?
-You know its going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
-Sometimes I lie awake at night asking myself what I've done wrong, then the voice in my head says, " This is going to take more then one night..."
-I like you. When the world is mine your death will be quick and painless. Maybe.
-Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
-Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there? I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out of its butt!"?
-The dinasours extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came along and they all committed suicide.
-Doctors say I have muitiple personality disorder. We disagree.
-I didn't say it was your fault...just that I was going to blame you
-You can blame all your problems on my two imaginary friends "Steve" and "Candy". They don't mind.
-I'm not random, I just have many th- OH LOOK A SQUIRELL!!
~Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
~Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
~Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
~Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
~Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
~Only in America do we use the politics to describe the process of economy so: Poli in latin meaning many and tics meaning blooksucking creature. ( I want to be a politician! coughcough vampire coughcough )
~Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
~Only in America do we have problems with obesity, but still let kids roam around once a year looking for free candy.
Copy and paste stuff! Ha ha:
~If you ever tripped over your own feet, copy this into your profile.
~If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile.
~98 of teenagers do drugs, have sex, and drink alcohol...put this in your profile if you like chocolate chip cookies.
~If you are obsessed with fanfiction copy this into your profile.
~If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this into your profile.
~If you've ever read past two in the morning, copy this into your profile
~If you have a true friend, copy this into your profile
~If you read peoples profiles, looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy this into your profile
~If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.
~Too many people are on crack. If you're not, add this to your profile.
~If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile
~If you have ever tripped over air, copy this into your profile.
FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you.
BEST FRIENDS: Will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"
FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you.
BEST FRIENDS: Will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."
FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince.
BEST FRIENDS: Kidnaps him and brings him to you.
FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying.
BEST FRIENDS: Will cry with you and then go beat up the sorry loser who made you cry
FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda.
BEST FRIENDS: Will dump theirs on you.
FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month.
BEST FRIENDS: Will throw you a tampon and push you in.
FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain.
BEST FRIENDS: Takes yours and says, "Run - beep - run!"
FRIENDS: Will help you move.
BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies.
FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Will be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"
FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.
FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.
BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!
FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin "DAMN! We messed up!"
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
BEST FRIENDS: Won't tell anyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when you're not down anymore.
FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.
BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.
FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."
FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowd's ass that left you
FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."
FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.
FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies)
BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.
FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.
BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Girl drink the rest of that! You know we don't waste!
FRIENDS: At your funeral would be crying
BEST FRIENDS: Sorry I'll be in jail for killing the jerk who murdered you!
By the Deceptionist. (She's my BFF! Randomness rulez!)
ONE FOR THE GIRLS!!:
(1) A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman alive." the woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
(3) Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
(4) Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Funny acual product labels:
-On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
-On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
-On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)
-On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
-On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
-On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)
-On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
-On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
-On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...)
-On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
-On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
-On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) (My fav)
-On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
-On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
-On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
By St. Fang of Boredom!
More copy and pastes! :
~ i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs cpoy and psate it in yuor pofrile
~The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
~If you've ever done anything incredibly stupid for no apparent reason, copy and paste this onto your profile.
~If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
~If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.
~If you've ever wished you could go into a book and strangle some of the characters for being so incredibly dumb, copy and paste this into your profile.
~If Faxness is one of your obsessions, post this in your profile.
~If you would kill to have wings, post this in your profile.
~If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy this into your profile.
~If you have ever run into a door, copy and paste this into your profile.
~If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile
~If your friends are WEIRD (But not as weird as you) put this on your profile.
~If you hate those irritating mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites, copy this in your profile.
~If you think that being unique is cooler than being cool, copy this on your profile
~There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile.
~If you absolutely KILLED yourself laughing when gazzy said "'I vill now destroy de Snickurs bahrs!' then copy this to your profile!
~92 percent of American teenagers would die if Abercrombie and Fitch/American Eagle told them it was uncool to breathe. If you are one of the 8 percent who would stand there and laugh, copy this into your profile.
~If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this one your profile.
~If you still laugh rereading Maximum Ride, copy and paste this onto your profile.
~If you ever felt like just running somewhere, copy this into your profile.
~If you ever felt like killing someone (or more than one person) because they wouldn't leave you alone when you told them not to distract you because you were busy copy this into your profile.
~If you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.
~If you love Max Ride and cannot live without it, post this in your profile.
~If you think the world is heading to a bad place, and are planning on doing something about it by making wonderful stories, copy and paste this onto your profile.
~Copy this and paste it on your profile if you think sarcasm is a conditioned reflex.
~If you are aware that so many people nowadays pretend to be someone they're not, copy this on your profile.
~If you get good grades and still know nothing at all, copy and paste this onto your profile.
~If Faxness is one of your obsessions, copy and paste this in your profile.
Sense of Humor
Why We Love Children
1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later..
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!"
Five minutes later..
"When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?"
3. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
4. One day, the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, "...And so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'''
5. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't. They're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
6. Son: Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give my seat up to a lady.
Mother: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But Mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap.
1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or in love with someone else
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem: my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones had winked off again. However, this time, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
- Sometimes I wonder, "Why is the Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.
- Whoever said, "Nothing's impossible," never tried slamming a revolving door.
- Being mature is overrated.
- Slinky + Escalator = Endless fun!
- One out of four people is insane. Look at three of your friends. If it's not them, it's you.
- When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip 'n slide!
- "What you're looking for is always in the last place you look" Well, DUH, smart one! After you find it, you stop looking!
- Whose cruel idea was it to put "S" in the word "Lisp"?
A Real Boyfriend
When she stares at your mouth
When she pushes you or hits you like a dumb ass cuz she thinks shes stronger than you
Grab her and dont let go
When she starts cursing at you tryin to act all tuff
Kiss her and tell her you love her
When she's quiet
Ask her whats wrong
When she ignores you
Give her your attention
When she pulls away
Pull her back
When you see her at her worst
Tell her she's beautiful
When you see her start crying
Just hold her and dont say a word
When you see her walking
Sneak up and hug her waist from behind
When she's scared
When she steals your favorite hat
Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night
When she teases you
Tease her back and make her laugh
When she doesn't answer for a long time
reassure her that everything is okay
When she looks at you with doubt
Back yourself up
When she says that she likes you
SHE REALLY DOES MORE THAN YOU COULD UNDERSTAND!
When she grabs at your hands
Hold her's and play with her fingers
When she bumps into you;
bump into her back and make her laugh
When she tells you a secret
keep it safe and untold
When she looks at you in your eyes
dont look away until she does
When she says it's over
she still wants you to be hers
When she reposts this bulletin
she wants you to read it
Geez, won't guys be, like, pressurised to death with all this stuff if they ever see all this stuff?? The guys i know would run off. Jeez.
Oh so cute! Bunny!
Copy the bunny to your profile to help him achieve world domination, and
Thanks for having the patience to read this!
xD XD xD!! ~this is like my signature... lol. =)~