RavenclawVampire14
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Joined 03-16-09, id: 1868796, Profile Updated: 10-10-10
Author has written 2 stories for Twilight, and Harry Potter.

Waz Up?

few things about me

I love twilight

Team Jacob!

I love Harry Potter

i am a huge nerd

i play the flute

love math

my hero- Bill gates

my herone- JK Rowling

i beleive strongly in the things i beleive

I'm still working on my first fan-fic -Renesmee's New Life

My 2 favorite quotes:

"Be nice to nerds. Chances are, you'll probibly end up working for one."-bill gates

"you think think teachers are bad, wait till you get a boss."-bill gates

THINGS I LIKE: erasers, vollyball, e-mail, Harry Potter, Twilight, nights, winter, being smart, BEING AN AMERICAN

THINGS I HATE: emo posers- they drive me insane half of them call themselves emo when the r punk!, Spiders - hate them so much, summer-way to hot, Edward, Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus, Obama, people that say we do not live in america -- USA's national Demonym is american hence the name AMERICA!

Why i ended, "Rensesmee's New Life"

i wasnt happy with it at all.

i hated the story in fact.

i was milking it way too much.

i should of done this after Kim's birthday party.

The time i saw the light was when i got a reveiw from xoxokat

She was right.

i am not insulting her.

Many people arent happy with this story, i am one of them.

I can take rude comments, i am not insulting anyone who wrote them.

i would of wrote the same things on this story too.

i am sick of doing twilight.

i want to move on to harry potter.

i am doing volleyball so i wont have as much time as i want.

some twilight fans are starting to piss me off (im not "racist" against them. i just am sick of hearing about twilight)

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

Slytherin rules!

1. For every rule there is a loophole to get around it

2. He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day

3. Good and evil are realtive conceptsldcare level

4. Humanity is soo overrated

5. If someone must be blamed make sure it's not you

6. Trust no one

7. Never offer a confession when a bribe will do

8. If fair means have failed you it's time to resort to foul

9. If at first you don't suceed , hide all evidence you tried

10. More is good, all is better

11. Kissing up is not an art form, it's a way of life

12. Hope for the best, plan for the worst

13. Never get caught

14. Friends come and go, but enimies multiply

15. If your going to hide, the best place is in plain sight

THINGS TO DO AT THE MALL

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and clean your teeth.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

15. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "Pikachu, I choose you!"

16. Throw skittles at people and yell, "Taste the rainbow, bitch!"

17. Go the toy section, get a light-saber and start challenging people to a Jedi match.

18. Follow a random person and if they turn and ask why are you following me yell, "No I won't have sex with you!"

Repost this if you laughed... Or are planning to do any of these things and add another one to the list! XD

Somethings I found on anaa-pixie's page that I want to share with everyone

You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

He Said: I don't know why you wear a bra, you have nothing to put in it.
She Said: You wear pants, don't you?

My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marsh mellows and flirting with the firemen.

Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!

I smile because I have no idea what's going on!

I make the cowardly lion look like the terminator!

I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends.

Boys are like slinkys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought

Don't run in the school hall, gliding is more fun!

There is no "I" in team but there is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...

Be a loser! Because being cool is so overrated!

It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why the hell would I keep looking after I found it?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

All the good guys are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books.

Everything here is eatable. Even I'm eatable, my dear children, but that is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies.

I ran with scissors, and lived!

I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.

If two wrongs dont make a right, try three.

Borrow money from pessimists- they dont expect to get it back!

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & and those that cant.

I'm not paranoid...WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. Success = Failure!

Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

Guns don’t kill people. Bullets kill people. I mean, DUH!

When life hands you lemons, chuck 'em back at the guy who was demented enough to give them to you.

Liar, liar, pants on fire, hanging from a cellphone wire

Only if you want to laugh your A off, read this, but if not, JUST READ IT!!

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why is their Braille on the drive up ATM machine??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why do we park in the driveway and drive on the park way?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Have you ever been captured by evil squirrels and taken to their secret squirrel hideout, but rescued by your vampire love, who ran around with a machine gun shouting die squirrels, die?

Are you ever worried about the fact that your stalker isn't stalking anymore?

If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

If you blow in a dogs face he'll get mad at you, but take him for a car ride, and the first thing he does is stick his head out the window!

Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear brighter before you hear them speak?

Why does an 'X' stand for kiss?

If olive oil comes from olive's then where does baby oil come from? 0.0 I wonder...I'm going to go and get my little 4 yr old sister...OH! Did you just read that? If so...BACK OFF SUCKA

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, how can it be good to 'quit while your ahead?'

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If a fork were made of gold would it still be called silver ware?

Can you make a candle out of your earwax?

"Cute as a button." Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?

Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?

Are marbles made of marble?

Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?

If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)

Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Can you get cornered in a round room?

Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?

Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?

If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?

How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?

Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?

Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?

Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate? I mean DUH!

"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?

Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??

Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your pee is hotter when you use the restroom?

Can mute people burp?

What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?

Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?

How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?

If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?

Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?

Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa
beans, and all beans are a vegetable?

Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?

Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?

Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?

Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?

Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?

Why can't you get a tan on your palms?

If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?

Why do dogs sniff other dog’s butts to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something?

Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been
free?

If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?

You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to
people that work nights?

Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway?

Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?

Why is a square meal served on round plates?

Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?

Which way does a compass point in space?

Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked? ~Also, aren't we always naked like 24/7? I mean, the clothing is just so no one can see us in our nudity, so technically, we are running around naked outside.~

Why do all superheroes wear spandex?

If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?

Why did Mary own a little lamb?

If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?

If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?

Why are Pringles curved?

What happens if your snot freezes in your nose?

Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are? Do they lie?

If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?

Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be “under par” in any thing else?

If your scared to swim but love water, how does that make sense?

Funny Sayings That I Love and You Will Too Part Three!!

If you don't know what to write in a story, kill a character off!

Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.

I'm not so good at advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in a large group

The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came along and they all committed suicide.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

I'm not random, I just have many tho- OH LOOK! A BIRDIE!

When life gives you lemons, make apple juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I will kill you in your sleep. . . . You laugh like I'm kidding.

I don’t suffer from insanity . . . I enjoy every minute of it.

Come join the dark side. (We have cookies)

I know hate is a strong word. That's why I'm using it.

Two wrongs may not make a right, but three rights make a left.

If you're reading this - - OH NO! THERE'S A fLY BEHIND YOU!!

Ha ha, you looked, didn't you? In your dreams!

I am a Fruit Loop in a world full of Cheerios.

Family is like fudge; mostly sweet with a few nuts mixed in.

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend will be in the next cell over shouting, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

A good friend helps you when you fall. A best friend laughs and trips you again.

I'm not afraid of Death. What's he going to do, kill me?

Remember, it takes forty-two muscles to frown, twenty-eight to smile, but hey, it only takes four to reach out and to punch someone.

If it wasn't for physics and the law, heck, I'd be unstoppable.

Music is like candy- you throw away the wrappers.

If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetball?

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends.

Boys are like slinkys: useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

You're just jealous because the voices in my head talk to me and not you.

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminium foil.

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

I smile because I have no idea what’s going on.

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers. (Don't let this happen to you!)

Legit. . . . Because we're too cool to say legitimate.

I find it ironic that the musical term for "slow down" is ritardando.

They say that a team is only as good as its worst player. Sucks for my team.

"We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police do."

When I hear somebody sigh "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to ask "Compared to what?"

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration!

"We could all take a lesson from crayons: some are sharp, some are beautiful, some have weird names, all are different colors, but they still learn to live in the same box."

When people don't laugh at our jokes we don't think of it as a "You had to be there." type of thing. But more like a "You have to be mentally retarded like us." type of thing

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

He who laughs last didn't get it.

When a guy tells u “girl, you must be a thief because you just stole my heart” reply by kindly telling him “I only steal valuable things”

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Quotes by Teachers, posters, movies, and random people:

True friends stab you in the front.

Knives cut and forks jab, but spoons serve. Be a spoon!

I'm too old to die! -The Awesome Old Lady on Madagascar 2

When I was a young girl, I used to admire Barbie for her blonde hair and shapely figure. Now I admire her because her house is paid off and she has no debt.

You are a silly goosey!

Who would want to buy a mountain? I would!

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

Happiness is a choice that requires effort at all times.

Even EINSTEIN asked questions.

Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.

Close your face/cookie portal!

The 3 rings of marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring!

A mistake is a chance to try harder.

Live simply. Love much. Laugh often.

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn’t know you left open.

The truth is rarely pure and never simple.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

The human heart is a strange vessel. Love and hatred can exist side by side.

One of the things about equality is not just that you be treated equally to a man, but that you treat yourself equally to the way you treat a man. \

You're not stupid, you just did a stupid thing.

Live long and prosper.

Your mind is like a parachute. It works best when it's open.

Oh, my goodness grapeness!

Today is a good day to die!

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.

Truth is an excuse for a lack of imagination.

A joke is a very serious thing.

LISTEN and SILENT are spelled with the same letters.

I hear you're a pain in the asterisk.

I don't need drugs; I'm naturally high on life.

A mistake is a chance to try harder. -

Where there's a pinata, there's a stick.

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.

I never met a chocolate I didn't like.

Don't just do it. Do it right!

This is the worst time I ever been to.

My dad had a paddle called "The Attitude Adjustment". It broke.

I just did something involuntary. . . and messy.

If you mess up my room, I'll mess up your face. . . but there's not much left to do. . .

If you were my kid, I'd be in jail for child abuse.

I purposely did that on purpose.

There's this thing called life, and I'm addicted to it. Sorry, but I'm not taking a bullet for you kids.

At my age, I have two enemies: birthdays and the mirror.

Stop blinking at me!

They're just imaginary figments of your imagination.

Life is pain. . . Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.

Put your blue in a butt chair!

Take Time To Read Each Sentence

This is this cat.

This is is cat.

This is how cat.

This is to cat.

This is keep cat.

This is a cat.

This is retard cat.

This is busy cat.

This is for cat.

This is forty cat.

This is seconds cat.

Now read the THIRD word of ever line.

You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

There is stupid coming out of your mouth hole again

God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made women.

So many boys, so many reasons to stay alone

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...I was aiming for your face

I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes.

When you’re down I may not be able to pick you back up, but I promise I’ll be willing to lay down right next to you

Tired of living and scared of dying

Scared to remember, terrified to forget

I hear your silence loud and clear

Children in frontseats can lead to accidents. Accidents in backseats can lead to children.

Why do today what you could put off till tomorrow?

How can i miss you if you never left?

I'm not with stupid anymore!

Education is important, school however, is another matter.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them more

Don’t mess with me I've got a stick.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends (and boyfriend!)

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't

I can only please on person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either.

Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

You know you live in 2009 when...

1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.

2.) You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years

3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don’t have a screen name or my space

4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV

6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.

7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.

8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.

9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.

10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.

11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.

12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you SOME QUOTES

13 things PMS Stands for:

13. Pass My Shotgun
12. Psychotic Mood Swing
11. Perpetual Munching Spree
10. Puffy Mid-Section
9. People Make me Sick
8. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
6. Pimples May Surface
5. Pass My Sweats
4. Pissy Mood Syndrome
3. Poor Men Suck
2. Pack My Stuff
1. Potential Murder Suspect

FEMALE COMEBACKS!!

pick up line comebacks, add to it

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Woman: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.

Quotes ‘n’ Stuff

Let's play truth or dare! Or maybe just dare, because nobody seems to tell the truth anymore.

If you can't convince them, confuse them. (Smiles evilly)

After all is said and done a hell of a lot more is said than done. (Blabber mouths…)

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up. (It’s their fault in the first place.)

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher. (I bet on it!)

I never pirated it...it was donated. By the file fairy. I put a blank CD under my pillow at night... and voila! (She also did this for all my other pirated CD’s. I’m innocent!)

When I hear somebody say "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to ask "Compared to what?" (Death?)

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. (Now this is very trueevil laughter)

Remember this, if someone is bothering you. It takes 40 muscles to frown, but it takes only three to stick up your middle finger and say, "Bite me!" (What if they actually do? Hmm… You use more muscles to scream bloody murder of course.)

A wise man once said, “I don't know, go ask the women!" (Yes, you have to admit women are better. Very smart of him. I’ll go give him a cookie.)

Men are like slinkies. They bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs. (Boing… boing… boing… SPLAT!)

My imaginary friend thinks you have a very serious problem... (We both agree on it.)

There is nothing more depressing than a hollow chocolate bunny. (Where’s all the chocolate?! I spent all those money on… nothing!?)

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets. (People and their long memory… tsk tsk tsk.)

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours. (Hours later…)

If all else fails, read the instructions. (Oh… So that’s how you do it! Stupid me…)

Someday we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject. (Nothing… It was nothing…)

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. (Ha! I hit it again! I RULE! YEAH!)

When life gives you lemons throw them at the mean people and hope it gets them in the eyes. (Take that! I hope you go blind!)

You can't have any of my nothing! (It’s mine!!)

When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. (Catchy…)

It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn’t take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face. (…)

If every cloud has a silver lining, then hundreds of people have been struck by lightning looking for it. (Ooh! Where’s the silver- AAH! I JUST GOT STRUCK BY LIGHTNING!! Oh yeah, real smooth.)

The harder you try, the dumber you look.

If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you’re not alone. And yet, you are alone. So very alone... (Hello… lo… lo… lo… echo… echo…)

Give credit when desired. There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE its weird. (May the better you win.)

Smile at people you don’t like, it makes them wonder what you did... (Mwahaha)

Life was so simple when boys had cooties! (Yup, sure was.)

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young. (And they sure wish they could, too.)

I'm not random; I just have many tho- OOH A SQUIRREL! (??)

Elmo knows where you live! (Eek! He’s a stalker!)

There is no "I" in team but there is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM... (Yum. A team could eat a meat pie together… But then I can just eat it all by myself. Why bother sharing?)

My knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminium foil. (Loser.)

An apple away keeps the doctor away, if well aimed. (Unless it’s Carlisle. Who would want to hit him?? A psycho, maybe.)

You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor. (Now who stole my floor?!)

BRB, I'm busy trying to jump off the roof with the kitchen broom. (And failing, if I may add.)

Taste the rainbow- Eat CRAYONS. (Yum. barf)

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss. (And break some bones in the progress…)

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. (I agree.)

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. (Take that, lousy piece of junk!)

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from. (YOU’RE EXPELLED!!)

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. (Temptation… hmm… Oh right! I need to take a left in Robbingsville… then a right… At last! Temptation, come to mama!)

Hand over the chocolate or I will sing. (glass shatters)

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. (CRASH!)

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. (Beep beep!)

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking. (No one’s looking… okay, now’s a good time to spill my Coke.)

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? (Yeah! I second that!)

Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!

I'm not littering...I'm donating to the Earth. (You should be thanking me for my generosity instead!)

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions. (Hmph.)

WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff… (I dare you follow me…)

I'm not afraid of Death, what's it gonna do kill me? (Yeah right! I challenge him this instant!)

Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner!

Person #2: Too bad the world is round!

Person #3: We could try to mutate it, make it a square!

Person #4: Or we could just transfer to another planet!

Person #5: Just shut up. People like you are the reason why we don’t get any happiness.

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me. (Floor: You bet I do… Your feet stink.)

Go hug a cactus!

It's all fun and games until the flying monkeys attack. (Eek! It just stole my banana!)

Don't worry. When you have kids of your own, you forgive your parents. (It’s our turn to suffer…)

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more. (What the hell? Something’s up…)

All girls listen up! Remember the seven B’s: Books Before Boys Because Boys Bring Babies… Or, if you want, it could go: Boys Before Books Because Books Bring Boredom. It’s your pick.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. (Groan)

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run away. He hates that. (Those darn souls! grumble)

Of course I'm talking to myself. Who else can I trust? (Me. Yes, I only trust me, which is why I’ talking to myself.)

You think you're all that and a bag of chips. Well I'm all that and a bag of skittles. So taste my rainbow, loser! (Evil laughter)

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. (Right? Right?)

I only have PMS on days that end in the letter "y". (Translation: every day… Don’t you dare piss me off.)

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive. (Alas, I was unsuccessful. Now my feet hurt.)

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people. (Yep.)

Did you just call me a bitch? Because a bitch is a dog. Dogs bark. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. And nature is beautiful. I know I'm beautiful! Thanks for the complement. (Thanks a lot for accepting that!)

Dear Heart, I met a boy today, prepare to shatter.

Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. (do re mi fa so la ti do!! lifeboat explodes)

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love. (That’s what you call word power!)

If you get scared at a movie, just throw candy at the people sitting in front of you. (That way, they’ll get mad at you, and you’ll have another thing to be scared of.)

When someone says to try to take a walk in their shoes, just roll your eyes and say their shoes are too small. (I truly do have big feet. _)

Yeah! I love wearing straight jackets, too! I get to hug myself!

Perfection is a waste of time.

Practice makes perfect. But then, nobody is perfect, so why bother practicing?

The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide. (How could parents let their children watch a show starring a murderer?)

God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made women. (Yeah!)

Heaven doesn't want me, and Hell is afraid I'll take over. (That’s how demonic I am. Mwahahaha.)

Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is a human's way of saying you can't fire me, I quit.

I hear your silence loud and clear. (crickets chirping)

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them more.

Join the Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, and then kill them. (Then be killed yourself.)

Boys are like purses: cute, full of crap, and always replaceable

Boys are like skateboards, they can go fast but usually there pretty slow.

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse!

Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't. (Weird...)

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these men? (Dear murderer, please don’t kill me. Sincerely, me. That’s stupid.)

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear. (One… Two… Three… Fo- !#)

Education is important; school however, is another matter.

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

Don't mess with me I've got a stick.

I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends.

Boys are like slinkies, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs. (YES! They so are.)

I ran with scissors, and lived!

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, and I laugh even harder.

I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

Real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Yay! Now that is a cooler form of exercise!)

People who act friendly have an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination. (Raise your hand if this applies to you. raises hand)

If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese? (Good question.)

When two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetball? (Another good question.)

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Unspoken Rules by Ivoryshell reviews
Response to Things I’m not allowed to do at Hogwarts Challenge, one-shot collections of Draco and Hermione.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 20 - Words: 27,070 - Reviews: 126 - Favs: 87 - Follows: 106 - Updated: 3/18 - Published: 5/11/2009 - Draco M., Hermione G.
216 Things You Are Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts by Violet44 reviews
I got bored & wrote this. i will update soon. anything u want in this story i will check out if you send it 2 me & i will put it in. Going 2 update really soon.16/09/11 @ 6.03.pm GMT.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 17 - Words: 5,260 - Reviews: 107 - Favs: 29 - Follows: 28 - Updated: 9/16/2011 - Published: 3/6/2008
Harry Potter and the Strange Situation by thumper777 reviews
Draco accidentally takes a love potion that makes him fall in love with the first girl he sees. It just happens to be Hermione. It seems as if disaster has struck, but Harry and Ron want to use this to their advantage. Maybe they can use Draco as a spy.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 19 - Words: 21,559 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 57 - Follows: 34 - Updated: 7/14/2011 - Published: 6/13/2007 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
My Life Would Suck Without You by my.name.is.mary reviews
It was a sunny September morning when I first saw her. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Her bright red hair caught my eye, but when her hazel eyes suddenly found mine, I knew, I was in love................................... SM/RW
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 22 - Words: 97,280 - Reviews: 334 - Favs: 277 - Follows: 126 - Updated: 7/12/2011 - Published: 2/21/2009 - Rose W., Scorpius M. - Complete
Year 8: Whispers of the Yet to Come by damonkeygirl reviews
Starts out immediately after the end of Book 7 and tells the story of life after Voldemort, leaving everyone to deal with the remaining threats in their attempt to move on in life. Harry/Ginny. COMPLETE.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama/Friendship - Chapters: 18 - Words: 241,301 - Reviews: 898 - Favs: 472 - Follows: 229 - Updated: 8/5/2010 - Published: 4/24/2009 - Harry P., Ginny W. - Complete
Magical Experience by EdwardCullen4President reviews
HPxover. Carlisle gets a letter from his old friends, Albus, asking for assistance to protect Hogwarts against the evil Voldemort. Soon, the Cullens and Jacob are off to Hogwarts. AT/AU. After BD & during OotP. Canon. E/B A/J Em/R C/Es HP/CC/GW RW/HG
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 12 - Words: 44,768 - Reviews: 403 - Favs: 216 - Follows: 252 - Updated: 8/1/2010 - Published: 8/10/2008 - Edward, Bella
Tom Riddle's sixth year at Hogwarts by KidaRiddle reviews
Is Tom Riddle really as nice as everyone thinks? Maybe, or is it just his double nature Voldemort that's pranking? This is my story about him and his friends as teenagers at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Hope you enjoy it
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Romance/Mystery - Chapters: 19 - Words: 26,470 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 3 - Updated: 8/13/2009 - Published: 3/29/2009 - Tom R. Jr., OC - Complete
Things Can Only Get Better by kytus reviews
NEW SUMMARY. Living with the enemy is one thing, but when your friends are trying to get you to sleep with them, that is out of the question. Post Hogwarts. DMHG and BZGW.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 22 - Words: 44,917 - Reviews: 464 - Favs: 187 - Follows: 269 - Updated: 8/3/2009 - Published: 6/12/2006 - Draco M., Hermione G.
For Blood or For Love by MandyQ reviews
A Malfoy marriage is a serious thing, and old prejudices die hard. Should Draco marry for blood or for love? Meet the modern Malfoys two years after the war and hear arguments from both sides. TDH compliant. TDH spoilers. COMPLETE. Pls R&R.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 19 - Words: 36,613 - Reviews: 55 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 7/31/2009 - Published: 3/3/2009 - Draco M., Lucius M. - Complete
Random Thoughts by mctwist reviews
Random oneshots from all over the series... Draco's not gay, the Giant Squid consumes Britain, Harry and Ron walk in on Hermione... Professor Trelawney attempts to predict the weather, among other things, and Voldemort reveals that he had a sense of humor
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 42 - Words: 35,798 - Reviews: 290 - Favs: 80 - Follows: 43 - Updated: 7/4/2009 - Published: 10/21/2007 - Harry P., Ron W. - Complete
The Lioness and The Serpent by ToffeeRose reviews
When Draco and Hermione fall in love how will their friends and families react? How will Voldermort react? My first Dramione fanfiction please R&R
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 11 - Words: 8,725 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 20 - Updated: 7/1/2009 - Published: 5/20/2009 - Draco M., Hermione G.
Meet Me by the Water by underneaththetree reviews
“I will let you go as soon as you enlighten me as to whose death you were fortunate enough to see.” “Fortunate?” she laughed a bit hysterically, “Fortunate, Riddle? Why would seeing another’s death be fortunate?” TRHG
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 18 - Words: 27,824 - Reviews: 140 - Favs: 66 - Follows: 111 - Updated: 3/16/2009 - Published: 6/4/2007 - Hermione G., Tom R. Jr.
Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Camping Complications
Camping together in a tent brings people together, and apart. A-Z one-shots of the trio camping together. 26 chapters in all.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Drama/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 882 - Follows: 1 - Published: 8/4/2009
Renesmee's New Life reviews
This takes place a few years after Breaking Dawn. Nessie and the Cullens moved to a new school in Maine. Deaths, lawsuits, and the almost secret revealing accurs. Rated T for swear words.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Family/Humor - Chapters: 25 - Words: 22,554 - Reviews: 141 - Favs: 35 - Follows: 24 - Updated: 8/2/2009 - Published: 3/29/2009 - Renesmee C./Nessie