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Joined 03-27-09, id: 1881239, Profile Updated: 08-20-09
Author has written 2 stories for Twilight.


This profile could be hazardous for your health and well-being! Just like Mandy in Letters From The Inside by John Marsden (good book, you should read it - really frustrating ending though) I am not going to tell you boring things; my pets, my star-sign, about my family etc. etc. I am going to say whatever pops into my head. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!

Wow!! I am like, talking to myself - even though I'm talking to people on here (who probebly aren't even reading this)!

Hello my lovlies!! (I don't actually say that - my teacher does though, very creepy) Oh my gosh - "gosh", who says "gosh", honestly? I think I've had toooooooo much sugar today. Not that that's a bad thing, right??

Anyhoo... (Gee, that word's kinda weird - is it even a word?? Don't think so...nope, it's not in the dictionary. Handy things, dictionaries, aren't they? Gotta love 'em!) I am...writing a profile. Nice. What should I say now? ... ... ... Nup, no ideas.

Guess I'll just, um, go now...

I AM BACK. I AM AWESOME. NOT REALLY. Actually, I hate the word "awesome" and the words "cool" and "random". They are the only adjectives our generation uses!! We have a wonderful language and we should explore it! "Wicked" used to be on that list but somehow it has been lost...

When you thimk about it, "awesome" means "mighty" or "powerful". "Cool" means "cold". "Random" means "without any decision or planning", which it is basically is how we use it, but we use it TOO MUCH!! "Wicked" means, well, "evil". Don't know how that came about.

Yay! I am a nerd! Nerds rule! Someday they shall RULE THE WORLD!! I swear they will! What's bad about being a nerd?? It means you're smart.

TEAM JASPER AND ALICE!! You will only know what the hell I'm talking 'bout if you've read Twilight!

Hey, I was just thinking... If oil is black gold - does that make gold, gold oil??

Y'know the thing that parents always say when you start to complain at your great aunt's place? "Only boring people get bored..." Well, if you weren't a boring person you would always be wanting to do something fun and entertaining and if you were a boring person then you would like sitting around staring at the wallpaper at your great aunt's place! Does this even remotely make sense to anyone...?

"I'm bringing sexy back..." Copy and paste this into your profile if you never even knew sexy was gone.

I have proved that it actually is possible to put mascara on with your mouth closed. Shock, horror!

Jasper will never be a therepist, he already knows how that makes you feel.

I keep trying to kidnap Jasper, but Alice is always at his window with a bat. How does she kn…ohhh, right!

All I want is a gorgeous, immortal, cold, silver Volvo owner that sparkles in the sunlight and bites me…is that too much to ask for?

I just feel like clearing one thing up... people say "how can you have a civil war?" Well, 'civil' can mean 'respectful and avoiding rudeness' or whatever but it can also mean 'of civilians' so a civil war is when two groups belonging to the same country fight. Everyone happy now?


They are the best band ever! Hayley's voice is amazing!

If anyone has read Tomorrow, When the War Began by John Marsden (If you haven't, Read it! Read it! Read it! He is a fantastic Australian author and the Tomorrow series are just brilliant!!) Do you think the song We Are Broken by Paramore suits it? I think it does soooooooo badly, it could be its themesong. (Seriously)

Lessons Learned in Twilight:

1. You can enjoy the banquet while resisting the wine.
2. The future is not set in stone.
3. Men are crabby when they're hungry.
4. Nothing beats an irritable grizzly bear.
5. True love knows no boundaries.
6. Some people are just danger magnets.
7.Even eternal enemies can work together to save something they love.
8. Forget the fangs - real vampires sparkle!
9. Soul mates exist, even if it takes 100 years to find them.
10. Porshe 911 Turbos make really great bribes.
11. Friendship is like the sun on a cloudy day.
12. Snow just means it's too cold for rain.
13. Family is about more than just blood.
14. What's worth doing is worth over-doing.
15. Losing your temper can be hair-raising.
16. "Vegetarian" has many meanings.
17. Even monsters can hold on to their humanity.
18. There are exceptions to every rule.
19. Always verify bad news before doing something stupid.
20. Hearing voices in your head doesn't necessarily mean you're crazy.
21.Love means being willing to sacrifice your happiness for another's.
22. Cold hands = Warm heart.
23. Not breathing is uncomfortable.
24. Stupid lambs and masochistic lions make quite a pair.
25. Romeo was an idiot.
26. Twilight is the saddest and safest time of day.
27. Extreme sports should not be attempted alone.
28. Life is worth very little without someone to share it with.
29. Space heaters can be very annoying.
30. Love can make even the most miserable places paradise

This is just about the funniest thing I have ever read!!

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play Rock/Paper/Scissors, I always choose Rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their Paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, asshole!"

A teenage girl about 17 had gone to visit
some friends one evening
and time passed quickly as each shared
their various experiences of the past year.

She ended up staying longer than
planned, and had to walk home alone.
She wasn't afraid
because it was a small town and she lived
only a few blocks away.

As she walked along under the tall elm
trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from
harm and danger.

When she reached the alley, which was a
short cut to her house, she decided to take it.

However, halfway down the alley she
noticed a man standing at the end as though he
were waiting for her.

She became uneasy and began to pray,
asking for
God's protection.

Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness
and security wrapped round her, she felt as
though someone was walking with her.

When she reached the end of the alley,
she walked right past the man and arrived
home safely.

The following day, she read in the
newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same
alley just twenty minutes after she had been there.

Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and
the fact that it could have been her, she began to

Thanking the Lord for her safety and to
help this young woman, she decided to go to the
police station.

She felt she could recognize the man, so
she told them her story.

The police asked her if she would be
willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify

She agreed and immediately pointed out
the man she had seen in the alley the night

When the man was told he had been
identified, he
immediately broke down and confessed.

The officer thanked Diane for her bravery
and asked if there was anything they could do
for her.

She asked if they would ask the man one

Diane was curious as to why he had not
attacked her.

When the policeman asked him, he
answered, "Because she wasn't alone.
She had two tall men walking on either side of

Amazingly, whether you believe or not,
you're never alone. Did you know that 98 of
teenagers will not stand up for God?

Repost this as Love vs. Sex if you truly
believe in

Even when you can't see Him, GOD is there! Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God, and 93 of the people that read this won’t repost it?

List twelve characters from Twilight, in no particular order.

1. Alice

2. Emmett

3. Aro

4. Jasper

5. Bella

6. Seth

7. Edward

8. Rosalie

9. Billy

10. Jane

11. Esme

12. Marcus

1. Have you ever read a Six/Eleven fic? Do you want to?

Seth and Esme? Ew!! No thanks! Think about the age difference for starters!!

2. Do you think Four is hot? How hot?

OH MY GOD!! YEEEES!! Jasper is the hottest, sexiest, most charming, sexiest, amazing, sexiest, Southern Gentlemanly, sexiest vampire in the world!! I love him! Did I mention he's sexy??

3. What would happen if Twelve got Eight pregnant?

Marcus got Rosalie pregnent?? Hmm... not actually possible. Emmett would murder Marcus, bringing on the wrath of the Volturi, killing all the Cullens...ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!! Bad idea! Bad, BAD, idea!!

4. Can you recall any fics about Nine?

Billy? No not really.

5. Would Two and Six make a good couple?

Emmett and Seth? Um, let me think...NO!!

6. Five/Nine or Five/Ten? Why?

Bella and Billy or Bella and Jane?

Ah...as Billy is Bella's daughter's, husband-to-be's, father...that could be rather gross. I'd say Bella and Jane (even if she did physically torment Edward!)

7. What would happen if Seven walked in on Two and Twelve having sex?

Edward walked in on Emmett and Marcus having sex...? Ummmmmm...I'd prefer not to comment. Rosalie would be pissed that Emmett was cheating on her with a guy (who is about a gazillion years old)

8. Make up a summary for a Three/Ten fic.

An Aro and Jane fic? Maybe Aro and Jane engage in a passsionate love affair...lol.

9. Is there any such thing as One/Eight fluff?

Alice and Rosalie fluff? Yes, probably about going shopping or something.

10. Suggest a title for a Seven/Twelve hurt/comfort fic.

An Edward/Marcus hurt/comfort fic?? I've gone blank. The Bored Vampire and the Suicidal Vampire...?

11. If you wrote a songfic about Eight, what song would you choose?

A songfic about Rosalie? BARBIE GIRL!! Aw, that's mean...

12. If you wrote a One/Six/Twelve fic, what would the warning be?


13. When was the last time you read a fic about Five?

Today! As Bella's the main character in Twilight (obviously) it's hard not to!

14. "(1) and (7) are in a happy relationship until (7) runs off with (4). (1), brokenhearted, has a hot one-night stand with (11) and a brief unhappy affair with (12), then follows the wise advice of (5) and finds true love with (3).”

Alice and Edward are in a happy relationship until Edward runs off with Jasper. Alice, brokenhearted, has a hot one-night-stand with Esme and a brief unhappy affair with Marcus, then follows the wise advise of Bella and finds true love with Aro.


My absolutely favourite thing to say is this:

"I'm not gonna pretend like that's not creepy."

You say it when someone says or does something strange.

You get the best effect if you say it real quietly under your breath to your dad, then he goes "Huh? What'd you say?"

Then you smile angelically and say "Nothing, nothing..."

I am comfortable in silence. I can just sit with someone and not say a word and not feel awkward. I like thinking; being in my own head. Guess that's why I love reading so much - its my own world.

Nothing is impossible - except slamming a revolving door.

I am a moody, misunderstood teenager - and lovin' it

If you think these copy-and-paste things will take over the world someday, help them out and put this on your profile!

Man: Where have you been all my life?

Woman: Hiding from you.

Man:Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man:Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man:Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man:So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man:Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

Man:Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man:I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man :If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man:If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put 'u' and 'i' together

Woman: Really, I'd put 'f' and 'u' together

Man:Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sugar is sweet and I love you

Woman:Blood is red. My heart is black. Go to Hell and never come back.

Man: You know it's love when the hardest thing to do is say goodbye

Woman: Goodbye. That wasnt hard at all

Man:Love me or leave me.

Woman: Okay. (walks off)

Man:If you were a book you would be in FINE print.

Woman:Have you ever read a book?

Man:I'm Alice and your my wonderland.

Woman:Somehow it doesnt surprise me that you want to be a girl.


Woman: Mission accomplished

Man:You blow me away.

Woman:Then why are you still here?

Man:Girl you so fine I want you to be mine.

Woman:Boy you so ugly one look at you is deadly.

Man:If I were you I'd kiss me.

Woman:If I were you I'd kill myself.

Man:I'll be the mouse. You be the cheese.


Man:I think I might be gay. Want to try to convert me?

Woman: Your gay?! Kewl! I can set you up with my friend! He's gay too!

Man:Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.

Woman:(phone gesture) Hello? (Holds out phone to man) It's the retirement home. They want there pick up line back

Man:If I said you had a nice body would you hold it against me?

Woman:If I said you had a nice head would you let me pound some sense into it?

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. When caught sleeping at school/work/wherever you are not supposed to be sleeping, and you are woken up, shout, "AMEN!"

5.Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6.In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Marijuana

7.Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.

9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

20 And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity .

Copy and Paste this To Make People who read bios Smile.

Funny Quotes And Random Things:

- Stupidity killed the cat. Curiousity was framed. (I really think this is so true)
- Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them. (Damn it!!)
- I used all my sick days, so I called in dead... (That'll fool 'em!)
- They say, "Guns dont kill people, people kill people.' Well, I think the gun helps, because if you just stood there and yelled, "BANG" I dont think you'd kill too many people. (Shame, that)
- So, if guns kill people, can I blame misspelled words on my pencil? (I wish!)
- Yeah, I'm a loser. But the coolest loser you'll ever meet.
- Save the Earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

- No, I won't go to Hell! It has a restraining order against me.
- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. (Hello, how ya goin' Fred? It's a nice day today...)
- When Life gives you lemons, throw them back, because, I mean, really? Who likes lemons? (I like lemons!!)
- When Life gives you lemons, make grape juice, and sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.
- When Life gives you lemons, squirt them in Life's eye, and see how much Life likes lemons then.
- Life isnt passing me by; it's trying to run me over.
- Smile; it makes people wonder what you're up to. (Mwahahahahahah)
- I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept!
- Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap... you decide. (Popping bubble wrap is so fun!)
- I live in my own little world. But it's okay, they know me there. (Honestly, I do have my own worl...I go there every night...)
- The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all commited suicide.
- Your weirdness is creeping out my imaginary friend. (Seriously, dude, my imaginary friend thinks you're really creepy...)
- If electricity comes from electrons, where do you think morality comes from?

- Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning many and 'tics' as in the bloodsucking leeches?
- You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
- Everything in this room is eatable, even I'm eatable. But that is called 'cannibalism' my dear children, and it is in fact frowned upon in most societies.
- I used to be normal... until I met those freaks I call my friends. (Actually, I think I made my friends freaks)
- I got you a present; it's a CD. I hope you haven't got it, because I don't have a receipt... and I didn't exactly buy it...
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!
- When in doubt, make up words! (You absolute idiocreepozoid!)
- Home is not where you live, but where they understand you. (Huh! I wish... no actually, I don't...)
- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you!
- If you're gonna be two-faced, sweetie at least make one of them pretty.
- All work and no play means you will die in seven days... dun dun duuun.
- I run with scissors; it makes me feel dangerous. (Knives are good, too)
- Don't worry about the world coming to an end today; its already tomorrow in Australia. (I am in Australia!!)
- Kids are the future. Be afraid. Be very afraid. (Arggggghhhh!! The world as we know it is going to end!!)
- You say I'm not cool. Cool is just another word for cold. If I'm not cold then I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thank You for embracing it!

- Come to the Dark Side... we have cookies! (And milk!!)
- One day we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
- Give a person a fish and feed them for a day, teach them how to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks!
- Before you critisize someone walk a mile in their shoes, that way you'll be a mile away and have their shoes! (Damn! They're not my size!)

-The statistics of insanty is that 1 of every 4 people have a mental illness. Look at your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you. (It's definately me)
- When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.
- A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work. (What a good j-arrrggghhh!)
- Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
- There is no "I" in team but there is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...
- Music is like candy: You throw away the (w)rappers.
- The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not. (Good evening. The human race has been taken over by sheep...)

- Two things are infinite; the universe, and human stupidity... not so sure about the universe.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? That's a really good question... I wonder...

- My mind works like lightning... one brilliant flash and it's gone.
- Do not take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
- If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
- Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?
- Don't you dare tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.
- I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something sparkly. (oooooooh look! A pretty ring!)
- Don't hit kids. No, seriously, they have guns now.
- WARNING: Children left unattended will be sold to the circus.
- If your heart was really broken you'd be dead, so shut up.
- Yes, I do use my hairbrush as a microphone and dance around in my underwear. Thank you very much.
- I don't have a dog... I eat my own homework. I'm not random, I just have many tho- OOH, LOOK! A SQUIRREL!
- Please: Don't throw your cigarette butt's on the floor, the cockroaches are getting cancer. (Save the cockroaches!!)
- There are three kinds of people in the world: Those who can count, and those who can't.
- Welcome to the internet, pants optional.
- Warning: Trespassers will be shot, Survivors will be shot again. (Man, I'm wasting all my bullets shooting people twice...)
- If I throw a stick, will you go away? (Fetch the stick, Jacob Black! Go on, go on ! Don't bring it back!) Nah, actually, Jacobs alright when you compare him with, say, RITA SKEETER!!

"God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made woman." - Adela Rodgers St. Johns

"We could all take a lesson from crayons: some are sharp, some are beautiful, some have weird names, all are different colours, but they still learn to live in the same box."-Unknown

92 percent of the teen population would be dead if Abercrombie and Fitch or Hollister said it wasn't cool to breath anymore. Repost if your one of the 8 percent who would be laughing your ass off. (Don't know who any og those people/things are, but anyway...maybe I'll google it. Hey did you know "google" has become a verb?!)

If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you think that being unique is better than being cool then put this on your profile

If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason put this on your profile. (Me and my brother were at the movies and we were like the only ones there. Then we just started laughing hysterically for no reason)

If you have ever slapped your self on the head and/or banged your head on a table for no reason put this on your profile. (I don't know why, I just do!! It must be those voices...)

If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile. (Quite easy to do, actually)

If you have ever tripped over air, copy this into your profile. (Ditto, extreamly easy to do)

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vice versa copy this into your profile. (I do this ALL the time, it's so annoying!!)

If you have ever turned around and questioned how you got on those subjects after an entire conversation, copy and paste this in to your profile. (How exactly, did we get on the subject of talking purple cows??)

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have a ’s’ in it?

Mental Hospital Phone Menu:

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital!

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

Just to tell you, if you have read every word so far it means that you definitely ARE crazy or weird, and you should DEFINENTLY put at least those ones on your profile.

Dumb labels:

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm confused...)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows day . . .)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)

On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh no we get real fake bacon)

Annoying things to do in an elevator

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag,
peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in

2) STAND silent and motionless in the
corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt
and strain to yank the doors open, then
act as if you're embarrassed when they
open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake
and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a
while. Then announce in horror: "You're
one of THEM" - and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And
push all the red buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone
presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger
for a while, then announce: "I have new
socks on."

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look
around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12) TRY to make personal calls on the
emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor
with chalk and announce to the other
passengers: "This is my personal space."

14) WHEN there's only one other person
in the elevator, tap them on the
shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they
give you a shock. Smile, and go back for

16) ASK if you can push the button for
other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you're
waiting for your friend. After a while,
let the doors close and say "Hi Greg,
How's your day been?"

18) DROP a pen and wail until someone
reaches to help pick it up, then scream:
"That's mine!"

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of
everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant
and review emergency procedures and
exits with the Passengers.

21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.

22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

"What you're looking for is always in the last place you look" Well, DUH, smart one! After you find it, you stop looking!


If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I ran with scissors, and lived!

I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

If you’ve ever wanted to go into a book and slap/scream at a character copy and paste this onto your profile Calling one Rita Skeeter!!

If you ever felt like just running somewhere , copy this into your profile.

If you truely believe, there is an Edward Cullen somewhere for you (Doesn't mean his name has to be Edward Cullen or one Jasper Whitlock... ), copy this into your profile.

If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews Two reviews, TWO?! Oh my God! I've just become the next J.K. Rowling! paste this into your profile.

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, My eyes are NOT square! copy this onto your profile, and add your name to this list: danyan, Zutara Lover, Black'n'red'Butterfly, Enrica, twilightgirl1918, Just A Little Bit Dramatic, Pirates OWNS you, Cripsee, I'll have some stupid cliche, Insane Winged Girl, UPDRAFTGIRL37 XxWannaBetxX

If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of its effects Yep, I screamed when I saw a siver volvo, my brother suggested I go to a mental asylum but that just made me think "Awesome, then I'll be just like Alice!" copy this into your profile

If you're defying gravity, and no one can pull you down, I'm just floating as I type this. Reach for the stars baby, reach for the stars copy this into your profile.

93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?" (or just say "I know! Join the club of freaky-ness. Where we all act like freaks!", which is what I do), copy this into your profile and add your name to the list: Sunlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Moonlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Evil Genius of the COCA, Invader Miley Phantom, dAnnYsGiRl777, BloodySalvation, Lady Lost-A-Lot, bellabookworm9, Bella Masen Cullen, Vampire Scooby, Alannaswarrior, SpottedLilly, Alleyanna Cullen, hugs.4.all.the.emo.boyz, I'll have some stupid cliché, EdwardandFangdreams4life, Insane Winged Girl, UPDRAFTGIRL37, glfluver13 XxWannaBetxX

98 of the internet population has a Myspace. If you're part of the 2 that can resist stupid fads, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have an increasingly sophisticated and extensive vocabulary, situate this in your characterization. Sometimes my friends look at me and go "What does that mean?" I have also been nicknamed "The Dictionary"

If you love rain, Coz it smells so nice! Seriously it does! copy and paste this into your profile.

Admitting you are weird means you are normal. Saying that you are normal is odd. If you admit that you are weird and like it, WHOOHOO! Go us weirdos who love to read and write! Yeah! copy this onto your profile.

If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both Hell yeah!...copy and paste this on your profile.

If you ever read past two in the morning,Two in the morning? Try Five... copy and paste this to your profile.

I'm the kind of person who will burst out laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened...yesterday. Yeah, this actually happened once... It was so funny! My uncle was... yeah, we won't go into that

If keyboards hate you copy and paste this into your profile! (Especially the FREAKING CAPS LOCK!!)

The electric chair was invented by a dentist. If you are scared now more than ever of dentists by learning this fact, put this on your profile. Dentists are creepy...who honestly wants to look in some random's mouth?! Ewwwwww!

If you are called 'weird' at least 5 times a day, Ha-dah-ah-aha more like ten times post this in your profile.

If you would kill to have wings, post this in your profile. Oh my god, I want nothing more than to be able to fly! Not so keen on wings though...

If you easily finish one novel a day, Are you kidding? Who can't read a novel in one day?? copy this onto your profile.

65 of Teenagers spend more time watching TV rather then read, if you are part of the 35 who read more that watch TV then copy and paste this to your Profile. Sad, sad people who would rather stare at a screen then escape into a magical world that is all your own...

This makes no sense...just like me...funny, that...

One bright day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise
and ran to save the two dead boys.
And if you don't believe it's true,
go ask the blind man, he saw it too.

The white man said, "Coloured people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...

Post this on your profile if you hate racism

If you love me for boring you with these wonderful copy and paste thingies, then copy and past this is your profile.

If you have ever climbed a tree, fallen off, hurt yourself, and then climbed right back onto it, copy and paste the in your profile.

If your copy of Harry Potter has all sorts of crap on it from the all places you have taken it (i.e. dinner, bathroom), copy and paste this in your profile. my brother threw my copy of the Goblet of Fire out the window once. I nearly murdered him.

If you have memorized Twilight and can quote entire scenes fromt the book, copy and paste this in your profile

If you are an insane, mental weirdo and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile.

If your friends threaten you by pretending to call the mental asylum, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you have read all the copy and paste thingies up to here, copy and past this in your profile.

Funny Test:


Read each sentence in sequence. Please don't skip any steps or the mathematics will be thrown off.

Take the following test mentally. Don't write down answers and don't shout them out.

1. Pick a number from 2 to 9. It can be 2 or 9, or any number in-between.

2. Take your number and multiply it by 9.

3. That should give you a 2 digit number. Take these 2 digits and add them together.

4. Take the resulting number and subtract 5 from it.

5. Take that number and correspond it to the alphabet, numbering the letters. A=1, B=2, C=3, D=4 and so on.

6. Take your letter, and think of a country that begins with that letter.

7. Take the last letter in the name of that country, and think of an animal that starts with this letter.

8. Now, take the last letter in the name of that animal, and think of a colour that starts with this letter.

9. Oh, and one more thing . . . . .

There aren't any orange kangaroos in Denmark!

It's weird, Isn't it?? Or was it jusy me that got Denmark, Kangaroo and Orange??

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal
pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling
was ipmorantt! tahts so cool!

If you could read that, paste it in your profile:D

If you talk to yourself and aren't afraid to admit it to anyone, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you often laugh maniacally around many people, please copy and paste this into your profile.

If you often laugh maniacally when you're all by yourself, please copy and paste this into your profile.

If, for no warning, you have laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, put this in your profile.

If you like singing songs at random points in the day, copy this into your profile.

If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you've ever left one room to get something from another room, then once you were in the other room, forgot what you were trying to get, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you have ever seen a movie or read a book so many times that you can quote it word for word, and do so at random moments, copy and past this to your profile.

If you are sometimes anti-social, but still really personable, copy this to your profile.

Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

Amatures built the ark. Profssionals built the titanic... (Makes you think, doesn't it...?)

those who dont learn from history are doomed to repeat it (Just like in that movie that's called...um...)

There's nothing wrong with taking to random objects, its when they start to talk back that you need to worry.

Who ever said that words never hurt obviously has never got hit by a dictionary. (Man, those things are hard...)

Who ever says 'as easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried to. (If you try taking anything from my little cousin, you may as well kill yourself now)

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, the rest of our lives they tell us to just sit down and shut up

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left. (huh)

"You say I've lost my sanity. Well I have news for you. You can't lose what you never have.

Huh, it figures. All the good guys are taken, vampires, or both. (Typical)

If several inanimate objects hate you copy and paste this into your profile! (My lamp, my desk and this god-damned keyboard!!)

If your skin is almost always cold...copy and paste this onto your profile. (I must be a VAMPIRE!!)

If you realize that copying and pasting things into your profile is pointless, yet you do it anyways, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you believe some teachers are seriously prejudiced, copy an paste this in your profile.

If you have ever threatened your computer, copy and paste this into your profile.

Put this in your profile if you didn't know the alphabet song and twinkle, twinkle little star have the same tune. (Omg! Does it really? Twinkle, twinkle little... a b c d e f g... Hey! It does

If you have ever choked on air (or any other substance you thought impossible to choke on), copy this in your profile.

I'm bored...If you’re bored then paste this in your profile and let the world know you have nothing to do...

If you’re hyper, like being hyper, and are hyper all the time, COPY THIS INTO YOUR PROFILE! (OOOOOOOHHHHHHH!! Look! A rabbit in a tailcoat!!)

If you have ever wanted to slap someone, but restrained yourself, congratulations, and copy and paste this to your profile. (It was a close call...)

If you liked Snape after Deathy Hallows copy and paste this in your profile. (So weird, but, yeah, I do kinda like him now, even though I hated him before the 7th book...And he liked LILY?? Oh my jasper)

If you get too excited for books, movies, etc. to come out copy and paste this in your profile. (I make calenders counting down the number of days!! Right now I have one until the release date of Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince)


You talk to yourself a lot. (Alot meaning all the time...)

You talk to yourself about talking to yourself. (e.g. 'Why do I constantly ask my self random things?')

When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else. (e.g. 'Have you ever noticed that deliver could mean someone's liver?')

After uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, "Wow,this stuff is great for sugar highs...'

You start thinking about making lists like this and start giggling for no "apparent" reason

Your friends stopped looking at you funny when you laugh for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago.

If you have ever started humming a song that you have absolutely no idea what it is put this on your profile. (SO annoying!)

If you have ever tripped where there is a WATCH YOUR STEP SIGN, copy and paste this into your profile (Happens all the time...)

If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile (Usually in maths or when dad's giving me a 'talk')

If someone has ever said something to you that had nothing to do with your current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile.

A large percent of writers don't know the difference between "your" and "you're". If you're one of the ones who does know and wants to slug them, copy and paste this into your profile. (it's not rocket science, people!!)

If at least once a week, someone misspells or mispronounces your first and/or last name...copy and paste this onto your profile (my teachers ALWAYS say my name wrong, even though I've been in their class all year!)

If people think you are mentally insane...copy and paste this onto your profile

If you hear voices of the characters in your head...copy and paste this on your profile. (Mainly vegetarian Vampires...)

( _ )

Copy the bunny onto your profile to help him achieve world domination. Come join the dark side. (We have cookies)

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!

If you are so obsessed with Twilight that it is NOT even funny anymore, copy this onto your profile

AACIBD is Addicted to all Cullen’s Including Bella Disorder .AV is Addicted to vampires. if you have either of these copy and paste this onto your profile

If you have inside jokes...with yourself...copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you are so obsessed with Twilight that whenever you hear thunder you think Vampires are playing baseball

if you are ADDICTED to vampires and Want to become one so badly post this onto your profile

Take Time To Read Each Sentence

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is retard cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

Now read the THIRD word of every line.

America's Intelligence:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure?)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation..)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(But no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

I'm INTO THEATRE & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.

I'm BI, so I MUST think every girl I see is hot.

I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly or crazy.

I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a Goth.

I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive

I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash

I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.

I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.

I’m WICCAN, so I MUST be a devil-worshipping baby killer.

I’m A GOOD LIAR, so I MUST be an actor/actress

I’m a BLACK BELT, so I MUST always want to kick someone’s ass

I’m a FEMALE BLACK BELT, so I MUST be a lesbian

I LIKE TO BE MYSELF, so I MUST be cocky and arrogant

I’m FRENCH, so I MUST be homosexual

I’m a BOHEMIAN, so I MUST be a lazy drug addict

I LOVE ANIMALS, so I MUST be a vegetarian

I’m a TREEHUGGER, so I MUST be a drug addicted hippie

I’m INTO JIMI HENDRIX, so I MUST be on drugs

I'm an OUTCAST, so I MUST be a jealous loser

I'm a GIRL, so I MUST be obsessed with boys and gossip

I'm a VIRGIN, so I MUST be frigid

I'm SHY, so I MUST NOT have any friends

I wear black nail polish and an into music so I MUST be emo

I’m a MUSICIAN, so I MUST not be doing anything with my life

I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS

I love the 80's, so I MUST be a dweeb who's stuck in the past.

I'm ASIAN, so I MUST love math

I'm BLACK, so I MUST be on welfare

I'm PUNK, so I MUST cut my wrists

I'm RICH, so I MUST be a concieted snob

I'm SCOTTISH, so I MUST wear plaid kilts and play a bagpipe all the time.

I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist

I'm IRISH, so I MUST be a alcoholic

I'm BLOND, so I MUST be a stupid ditz

I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore

I'm a JEW, so I MUST be greedy

I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.

I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.

I'm a WHITE GIRL so I MUST be a steal-your-money kind of girlfriend

I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.

I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.

I love disco music, so I MUST be a dork.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be f-cking them all.


I love the 50's so i MUST be stuck in the past.

I'm a girl who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.

I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.

I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.

I have an itouch, so I MUST think I'm all that.

I love dogs, so I MUST be a redneck.

I get LOW GRADES IN SCHOOL so I MUST be mentally challenged.

I have GOOD GRADES, so I MUST be a nerd or suck-up.

I have GREEN SKIN, so I MUST be a wicked witch

I'm DIFFERENT, so I MUST just want attention

I'm an ACTOR/ACTRESS, so I MUST be mean

I haven't EVER HAD A BOYFRIEND, so I MUST be unromantic

I'm THIN, so I MUST have an eating disorder

I'm a CHRISTIAN, so I MUST hear crazy God voices in my head

I'm AMERICAN, so I MUST be an overweight pig with no boundaries

I'm a GIRL, so I MUST suck at all guy sports

I like CATS, so I MUST dance like a cat in my spare time

I LOVE MY FRIENDS, so I MUST be giving them something

I'm SUSPICIOUS, so I MUST be an arrogant jerk

I SPEAK GERMAN, so I MUST be a psycho Nazi

I'm IN BAND, so I MUST be a geek

I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST be rebellious

I have ADHD, so I MUST be a crazy-chick that you can't control


I am A BOOKWORM, so I MUST be a dreamer

I LOVE JASPER WHITLOCK, so I MUST be a confederate


I am A DREAMER, so I MUST be insane (unrealistic)

I HAVE MANY DIFFERENT INTERESTS, so I MUST be unable to commit to one thing

I MISS BELOVED FAMILY MEMBERS THAT HAVE DIED, so I MUST be unable to move on with my life.




"Nothingness is made of... nothing. It cannot be moved, right? Nothing can move through, over or under it, either, because of its nature--nothingness is nothingness on all levels. So, nothingness is nothing, and it can't be moved, nor can anything move through it, by definition. So, would something bump into nothingness? That's doubtful, since there's nothing to obstruct it--would it pass into nothingness, and simply disappear? The laws of physics say that this isn't possible--so this can't be right."

A girl died in 1933.A man buried her in the ground when she was still alive.The murderer chanted , Toma sota balcu" as he buried her. Now that you have read the chant you will meet this little girl. In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. If you post this in your profile, she will not bother you. Your kindness will be rewarded. Lucillia I don't believe this but i get kinda creeped out by this sort of sh-t.

Things we all wonder about

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why is their Braille on the drive up ATM machine??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why do we park in the driveway and drive on the park way?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Have you ever been captured by evil squirrels and taken to their secret squirrel hideout, but rescued by your vampire love, who ran around with a machine gun shouting die squirrels, die?

Are you ever worried about the fact that your stalker isn't stalking anymore?

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

If you blow in a dogs face he'll get mad at you, but take him for a car ride, and the first thing he does is stick his head out the window!

Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear brighter before you hear them speak?

Why does an 'X' stand for kiss?

If olive oil comes from olive's then where does baby oil come from? 0.0 I wonder...I'm going to go and get my little 4 yr old sister...OH! Did you just read that? If so...BACK OFF SUCKA

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, how can it be good to 'quit while your ahead?'

If a fork were made of gold would it still be called silver ware?

"Cute as a button." Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?

Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?

If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)

Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Can you get cornered in a round room?

If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?

How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?

Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?

Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?

Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate? I mean DUH!

"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"

Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??

Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your pee is hotter when you use the restroom?

What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?

Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?

How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?

If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?

Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?

Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa
beans, and all beans are a vegetable?

Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?

Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?

Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?

Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?

Why can't you get a tan on your palms?

If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?

Why do dogs sniff other dog’s butts to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something?

Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been

If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?

You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to
people that work nights?

Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway?

Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?

Why is a square meal served on round plates?

Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?

Which way does a compass point in space?

Why do all superheroes wear spandex?

If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?

Why did Mary own a little lamb?

If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?

If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?

Why are Pringles curved?

What happens if your snot freezes in your nose?

Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are? Do they lie?

If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?

Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be “under par” in any thing else?

If your scared to swim but love water, how does that make sense

Twilight Oath:

I promise to remember Bella
Each time I carelessly fall down
And I promise to remember Edward
Whenever I'm out of town
I promise to obey traffic laws
For Charlies sake of course
And I promise to remember Jacob
When my heart fills with remorse
I promise to remember Carlisle
When ever I am in the Emergency Room
And I promise to remember Emmett
Every time there's a huge boom
I promise to to remember Rose
Whenever I see someone that holds pure beauty
And I promise to remember Alice
When I'm at a mall and a cute outfit spots me
I promise to remember Nessie
When I see that beautiful curly hair
And I promise to remember Esme
When someone tells me they care
I promise to remember Jasper
Whenever my emotions are unfurled
And I promise to remember the Volturi
When someone speaks of dominating the world
Yes I promise to love Twilight
Wherever I may go
So that all may see my obsession
Because I know what the Twilighters know

My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

2. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

3. My mother taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

4. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

5. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

6. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

7. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

8. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

9. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

10. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

11. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

12. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

13. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

14. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that

18. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

19. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

21. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

22. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

23. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

24. My mother taught me SHAPE-SHIFTING.

"You'll turn into a sausage if you eat any more.

25. My mother taught me CONSEQUENCES

" If you don't tidy your room, there'll be hell to pay."

Best Friend Thingys

Friend: Will help me find my way when I'm lost

Best Friend: Will be the one messing with my compass, stealing my map and giving me bad directions

Friend: Will help me learn to drive

Best Friend: Will help me roll the car into the lake so I can collect insurance

Friend: Will watch my pets when I go away

Best Friend: Won't let me go away

Friend: Will help me up when I fall down

Best Friend: Will point and laugh because she tripped me

Friend: Will bail me out of jail

Best Friend: Will be sitting beside me saying "Dang, we screwed up"

Friend: Will go to a concert with me

Best Friend: Will kidnap the band with me

Friend: Calls my parents "Mr." or "Mrs."

Best Friend: Calls my parents "Mom" or "Dad"

Friend: Asks me for my number

Best friend: Asks me for her number

Friend: Hides me from the cops

Best Friend: Is probably the reason are after me in the first place

Friend: Lets me make an idiot of myself in public

Best Friend: Is up there with me making an idiot out of herself too.

Friend: Will comfort me when he breaks up with you.

Best Friend: Will call him, whispering 'Seven days...

Friend: Fade

Best Friends: Are 4 Ever

For Hogwarts:

- If death eaters are attacking Hogsmeade I will not point at the sky and shout TO THE BAT MOBILE

- So I was all like Avada Kadavra and he was all like Dead

- I will not ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.

- Draco Malfoy the amazing...bouncing...Ferret.

- Remus Lupin does NOT want a flee collar

- I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his time of the month.

- I will not say 'dude, get a life' to Lord Voldemort

- I will not ask Snape why he stole Batman's cape

- This icon is off trying to shut Percy in a pyramid.

- I will not sing "we're off to see the wizard" when sent to the headmasters office

- I have eight horcruxes, take that Voldy!

- Professor Flitwick's name is not Yoda

- I will not bring a magic eight ball to Divination class

- I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds when using my wand

- Sirius Black: Escaped askaban...Evaded death eaters...Outwitted the ministry...Killed by drapery.


1. I will NOT sing “We’re off to see The Wizard” when I am sent to the headmasters office.

2. Dobby is NOT Yoda is disguise.

3. He is NOT Gollum either.

4. I will NOT bring a magic-8-ball to Divination Class.

5. My homework was NOT eaten by a werewolf. Especially when my teacher is Professor Lupin.

6. I will NOT tell the first years to make a tree-house in the Whomping Willow.

7. I will NOT give Lupin a flea collar.

8. Nor will I leave dog-biscuits on his desk.

9. If a classmate falls asleep I will NOT take advantage of this and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

10. Starting a betting-pool on the fate of this year’s Defence against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky. It is NOT a clever money-making concept.

11. I do NOT have a Dalek Patronus.

12. I will NOT teach House-Elves to impersonate Jar-Jar Binks.

13. Shouting “To Infinity and Beyond!” was only funny the first time I took off on a broom.

14. I will NOT refer to the summoning charm (Accio) as “The Force”.

15. “Springtime for Voldemort” is NOT an appropriate title for the school production.

16. I will NOT greet Prof. McGonagall with “What’s new Pussy-cat?”.

17. I will NOT send shampoo to Snape’s office, no matter how badly he needs it.

18. "Potter 6, Voldemort 0" is not a valid T-shirt slogan.

19. Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Death Eaters.

20. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "My Little Pony."

21. No matter how funny it is I will NOT leave kitty litter in Prof. McGonagall’s office.

22. I will NOT dress up as Lord Voldemort for Halloween.

23. I will NOT ask Harry Potter if his “Scar-Senses” are tingling.

24. I will NOT call Dumbledore Santa Claus. Even if it is Christmas.

25. I will NOT tell Voldemort to “Get a life”.

Here's 84 different ways to Annoy Edward easily.

1. Prance around the house singing Madonna's 'Like a virgin' at the top of your lungs every loud when Bella is around to hear it.

2. Running it by Charlie that Edward has been 'sleeping' with Bella for the past 2 years, at the wedding reception.

3. Smear your blood all over his new car freshener. Blame it on Jacob.


5. Ask him where babies come from. Tell him he's stupid when he won't answer your question.

6. For his birthday give him a 100 McDonalds gift card, and get offended when he tells you he doesn't eat food.

7. Ask him why he likes watching Bella sleep. Call him a pervert.

8. Replace his ringtone with 'Outta my head' by Asheele Simpson. Make sure he can't change it.

9. Color on all his Bella pictures with permanent to replace them.

10. Ask him to be a vampire with you for Halloween. (A.N. That has got to be the easiest costume for him!)

11. Take him to Victoria's Secret with Alice

12. Constantly remind him that he almost lost Bella to a DOG

13. Picture yourself with no clothes and covered in blood. Ask him if he wants you, call him a liar when he says no.

14. Tell him Bella’s in love with Mike and she has been 'doing' things with him. Tell him you were kidding once he murders Mike.

15. Ask him if Charlie is secretly a unicorn.

16. Make him watch the 'Twilight' movie.

17. Ask him if he thinks Robert Pattinson is hot. When he says no, tell him he has low self esteem issues.

18. Buy him a dog. Name it Jacob. Train the dog to follow him everywhere. P.S. Make sure he doesn't eat it.

19. Ask him why he's not as hot as Robert Pattinson.

20. Ask him if he's ever done it. When he says no, take a picture of him and tape it to the 40 year old virgin movie poster.

21. A.N. sorry anyone who’s reading this (yeah, right…) there was something to do with zack efron (cue a chorus of “eeeeeewwwwww”) on this one and I hate HIGH SCHOOL Musical so I deleted it. Sorry bout thatt!! Not really!! But Anyway!!

22. Nail his CDS to the ceiling along with his stereo.

23. Start singing 'Paper cut' around him constantly.

24. Tell him that Paul imprinted on him.

25. Glue pictures of Jacob all over his walls.

26. Take his pulse and call 911 when you 'discover' he doesn't have any.

27. When you 'discover' he's a vampire, throw holy water on him and shout,"The power of Christ compels you!"

28. Make a lifelike Bella dummy (with Bella audio) and throw it into a fire. (A.N. Or have ane burn it mentally, and she'll be happy since she can't burn Bella either.)

29. Bake him a birthday cake with 107 candles and make frequent jokes about him being "over the hill"

30. Whenever he gets mad at you for annoying him so much, turn to the nearest person and go,"Don't worry, its just his time of the month."

31. Volunteer him for a blood drive.

32. Ask him what Hogwarts was like and why he didn't just eat Voldy. (Voldemort. The bald guy who wants to kill Harry.)

33. Paint his piano neon pink. Refuse to buy a new one.

34. Get a shock collar with sequins on it and have Emmett put it on Edward. Give Jacob the remote.

35. Tell him Alice saw that if he wanted to blend in with humans, he had to wear matching pink liquid eyeliner and nail polish.

36. Paint his Vanquish Pepto Bismol pink.

37. Every time he walks near you jump in front of the nearest car and scream "Save me Edward!"

38. Follow him around concentrating really hard on songs from shows such as 'Barney' and 'The Wiggles'.

39. Challenge him to a breath holding contest and accuse him of cheating.

40. Tell Aro that Edward would like to set up a ball room dancing class with him and the rest of the volturi.

41. Dye his hair blue and give him round black sunglasses and threaten to hide Bella if he doesn't wear them to school.

42. Blindfold him and take him to a tanning salon.

43. Jump out of corners and proceed to beating him with large planks of wood every ten minutes
Sit in his room and stare at him for hours. When he demands why you're staring at him tell him that you're not leaving until he falls asleep. When he tells you he can't sleep, threaten that Santa won't come if he stays awake.

44. Spray cheese into his mouth and force him to swallow it, all the while yelling, "WHAT'S WRONG EDWARD, DON'T YOU LIKE THE CHEEEEEEEESE?!

45. Make him a shirt that says "I Like Humans - I Don't Eat Them". Force him to wear it.

46. Make him drive you to La Push so you can jump back and forth on the boundary line screaming "VampireLandWerewolfLandVampireLandWerewolfLandVampireLandWerewolfLand!" "Vampire Land!" etc

47. Make him watch 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire'. Mouth the word "Cedward!" in his general direction.

48. Paint his Volvo pink and write “I love Jacob” all over it

49. Sing "It’s a Small World" over and over in your head and follow him around.

50. Give his number to Jessica, and tell her he’s interested.

51. Ask him about Bella’s eighteenth birthday party.

52. Just think of the color black when he's around so he thinks he can't read your mind either.

53. Take every picture of him and draw fangs on them.

54. Watch 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire' and cry hysterically screaming "No Edward!" when Cedric dies.

55. Refer to him as "Eddie".

56. Prank call him saying you have kidnapped Bella and will only accept his Volvo as ransom.

57. Ask him where he buys his contact lenses. Daily. For about, ooh, a year.

58. Eye him suspicously every time he walks past, gripping a crusifix and throwing strings of garlic around your neck.

59. Sing "I Know A Song That'll Get On Your Nerves" in your head continually, over and over again, he'll go insane in less then three hours guarenteed. (A.N. That pretty much is the song!)

60. Come to school wearing dark robes, red/black contacts, and white makeup. Go up to Edward. Claim to be from the Volturi, and ask him where Bella is.

61. Get Carlisle to have "The Talk" with him.

62. Offer to put mountain lions on the endangered species list.

63. Run around the school with flyers that say "Save the Mountain Lion!"

64. Tell him Darth Vader is his father

65. Make Bella president of the 'La Push Cliff Diving Society'.

66. Randomly run up with a stake yelling "Die, fiend!"

67. Superglue Bella's window shut.

68. In front of Nessie, say aren't you glad you didn't kill the little brat.

69. Remind him that Jacob and Nessie are eventually going to...well you know.

70. Say, "Wow, you lost your virginity at 107 and your daughter is going to lose hers at 7 to the guy who was in love with your wife."

71. Go up to him and say "Humans are friends, not food." Continue to think this throughout biology class. (A.N. I love that from Finding Nemo!)

72. Purposely slice your finger open from a piece of paper then wave it in his face and squeel, "EDDIE! KISS IT BETTER!"

73. Every time you take a picture of him, ask him if he'll show up when you print it out.

74. Before you print it out, photoshop it so he doesn't show up in it out and show it to him.

75. Continually poke him with a pencil muttering quietly about how it's the closest thing to a wooden stake you can get.

76. For his birthday, buy him spray-on tan.

77. Challenge him to an eating contest and bet all of his money that you'll win. (A.N I should try that once I find out he's real! But do not take that bet with the werewolves.)

78. Whenever he comes near you, eye him suspiciously and put a scarf around your neck.

79. Cover his yard with "Beware of Vampire" signs.

80. Make an "I love Jacob" website and say Bella made it.

81. Write a long, detailed, novel about how the werewolves destroy the vampire race.

82. Tell him over and over again, "Nessie loves a werewolf. AKA The guy who was in love with your wife!"

83. Tell him that Nessie is Jaspers daughter.

84. Make him watch 'Ed, Edd, and Eddy' with you. Continually ask him "Which one are you in there Eddie? Is it him, him him... etc?"

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesss I know my profile is really really really really really really really realy long, but y'know...I don't care!! Yay for me!!

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Best Two out of Three by Deepredruby reviews
Set in Eclipse, when everyone is learning how to fight a newborn, Jasper challenges Alice to a match, best two out of three.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,147 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 37 - Follows: 8 - Updated: 2/16/2011 - Published: 6/4/2008 - Complete
Emmett Watermelons and, Squirrels? by archgurl reviews
Emmett, watermelons, and squirrels. What do YOU think will happen? This was going to only be a one shot, but now it is more like a collection of one shots. Updated when I get ideas.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 10 - Words: 16,406 - Reviews: 55 - Favs: 50 - Follows: 10 - Updated: 11/27/2010 - Published: 3/6/2009 - Emmett, Bella - Complete
Flesh Memories by Rookss reviews
“Alice, you aren’t the only one who’s felt pain you know! You aren’t alone!” Jasper has felt a lot of pain in his life, but when Mary Alice Brandon enters his life he has to re-evaluate his ideas of pain. OC/All Human
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 18 - Words: 42,615 - Reviews: 80 - Favs: 28 - Follows: 26 - Updated: 4/16/2010 - Published: 4/1/2009 - Alice, Jasper
Adventures In Forks High by EmotionallyConfuzzled reviews
What will happen when Forks High School get's snowed in? With all of the Cullens in there! They Spend the night? Mike tries to be sexy for Bella? Edward loses control? Will Jasper have fun with emotions? Kareoke? Truth or Dare! One crazy night is ahead.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 12 - Words: 13,749 - Reviews: 707 - Favs: 458 - Follows: 384 - Updated: 12/27/2009 - Published: 4/8/2009
Cullenary Educaton: Forks Sex Ed by MarcyJ reviews
Set at the End of Bella's Junior Year. Hilarity ensues when the Forks Gang is forced to endure Sex Education class with Coach Clapp. Chapter 1 is Jasper POV, and each subsequent chapter is from the perspective of a different character.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 6 - Words: 22,726 - Reviews: 2144 - Favs: 3,564 - Follows: 1,666 - Updated: 8/28/2009 - Published: 4/2/2007
Alice and Jasper's Untold Tales by newcomer77 reviews
The silent one, the perky one. Alice and Jasper. Together they have led a life of endless romance, but there is more than just that. One-shot stories containing humor, irony, passion, comfort, turmoil, and happiness.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 41 - Words: 68,191 - Reviews: 550 - Favs: 189 - Follows: 92 - Updated: 7/5/2009 - Published: 3/28/2009 - Alice, Jasper
who could be calling now? by Jacob is so mine reviews
One day Emmett wakes up and the Cullens are gone!They all went hunting with out him!All he has is his phone and it keeps ringing! Who on earth could be calling? Is it his family trying to apoligize for leaveing him? Is it Mike Newton? Who could it be!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 4,498 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 11 - Updated: 6/13/2009 - Published: 6/5/2009 - Emmett
ALICE CULLEN by omaigooo reviews
If you are reading this, that means you've just purchased your very own ALICE CULLEN. Go through the guide for more information on the item purchased. Funny.one-shot
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,069 - Reviews: 38 - Favs: 52 - Follows: 11 - Updated: 6/8/2009 - Published: 5/24/2009 - Alice - Complete
EMMETT CULLEN by omaigooo reviews
If you are reading this, that means you've just purchased your very own EMMETT CULLEN. Go throught the guide for more information on the item purchased. Funny.one-shot
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,265 - Reviews: 80 - Favs: 93 - Follows: 11 - Updated: 5/11/2009 - Published: 3/8/2009 - Emmett - Complete
EDWARD CULLEN by omaigooo reviews
If you are reading this, that means you've just purchased your very own EDWARD CULLEN. Go throught the guide for more information on the item purchased. Funny.one-shot
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,238 - Reviews: 97 - Favs: 114 - Follows: 19 - Updated: 5/11/2009 - Published: 3/6/2009 - Edward - Complete
A Very Vampiric Christmas by Waffle of Doom reviews
Bella is enjoying Christmas Eve with our beloved Cullen's, nothing weird could possibly happen right? It's not like Jasper has a thing for reindeer...
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Family - Chapters: 6 - Words: 5,872 - Reviews: 176 - Favs: 71 - Follows: 29 - Updated: 12/25/2008 - Published: 11/25/2008 - Emmett, Jasper - Complete
Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Now and for Eternity reviews
This is my take on how Jasper proposes to Alice. Set after they meet the Cullens. Please review, even if you hate it but tell me why. Enjoy! Hopefully
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,627 - Reviews: 13 - Favs: 13 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 4/18/2009 - Published: 4/16/2009 - Alice, Jasper - Complete
Maria she's Coming reviews
Alice has a sudden vision of Maria. How will the Cullens react? Why is Maria coming? I obviously don't own Twilight! First fanfic, plz read and review even if you hate it, but tell me why!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Suspense - Chapters: 4 - Words: 2,405 - Reviews: 31 - Favs: 29 - Follows: 13 - Updated: 4/9/2009 - Published: 4/1/2009 - Jasper, Maria - Complete