RenesmeeJesusCullen
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Joined 03-28-09, id: 1881961, Profile Updated: 12-20-09
Author has written 1 story for Twilight.

I write my stories between my late night waitressing job, my early morning law classes and my day job as a legal secretary who sticks her nose where it doesn't belong. I know its wrong but sometimes I think I care TOO much.

Update: So today I went to the dentist and he pulled out my wisdom teeth. He assured me that the wisdom I have accumulated over the years would not fade with the teeth extracting procedure. He lied. I saw him dealing to the tooth fairy in the back room and busted the two of them. They agreed to return my wiseness (yup, that’s a word alright) if I answered three questions. The first question was not mentioned because I punched the tooth fairy in her fat face before she got a chance to get it out. I managed to break one of her teeth subsequently killing her. I now wear that tooth on a silver chain around my neck as a warning to mythical creatures and dentists a like. That is all.

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Likes:

Cucumbers

Curling irons

Swordplay

Bloodplay (emo not hardcore)

Milkshakes (not salty)

Jacob Black

Mr. Sex on legs

Sex on legs

My third daughters father

My second sons father

Homoerotic tattoo's

Vulgarity in general

Dislikes:

Fun police

Touching door handles

Center page text

Sookaaaaah Stockhouse

Sookaaaaah Stockhouse's teeth

Mellow Yellow

Baby daddies

Reading

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Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Damaged by Reijilie reviews
Leah knows she is better for Jake but he's too infatuated with his gf, Bella Swan, to see it.When Leah catches Bella with a local delinquent,Edward Cullen,she brushes off Bella's threats to stay quiet.The consequences are dire. AH,OOC,ref's to rape.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 15 - Words: 52,170 - Reviews: 593 - Favs: 135 - Follows: 152 - Updated: 7/4/2010 - Published: 7/4/2009 - Jacob, Leah
Cedward by CurtainEater reviews
Cedric Diggory is simply trying to win a prestigious Wizarding tournament when life throws a him a fastball and dumps him in the middle of nowhere. Bella Swan gets a serious shock when an Edward Cullen look-a-like unexpectedly drops into her life.
Crossover - Harry Potter & Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Parody - Chapters: 3 - Words: 6,567 - Reviews: 102 - Favs: 81 - Follows: 105 - Updated: 6/6/2010 - Published: 9/1/2009 - Cedric D., Bella
Weathering the Storm by FringeBangs reviews
A wolf's imprintee is tragically killed by what looks to be a fellow wolf. Lines are drawn and alliances are made with both wolves and vampires choosing sides as a new threat emerges. Post Eclipse. AU.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Suspense - Chapters: 5 - Words: 15,223 - Reviews: 49 - Favs: 22 - Follows: 38 - Updated: 5/22/2010 - Published: 8/23/2009 - Paul, Jasper
The Erotic Awakening of Bella Swan by The EB's reviews
Old lusty loins Bella makes her way through each of the Twiguys in this Smutty Crackfic/Smackfic on the path to true love. Lemons and everything else that warrants an M rating. Multiple Authors
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Horror - Chapters: 15 - Words: 16,177 - Reviews: 233 - Favs: 55 - Follows: 53 - Updated: 2/21/2010 - Published: 8/12/2009 - Bella
Edward the Beta by TheNinjaWolf reviews
Edward is a 'beta' werewolf. He's trying to have an affair with Jacob's girlfriend.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Fantasy/Humor - Chapters: 9 - Words: 4,012 - Reviews: 236 - Favs: 78 - Follows: 88 - Updated: 12/6/2009 - Published: 3/10/2009 - Edward
The Mouth Of Hell Has Two Forks by krueger84 reviews
This is an epic crossover set in a different Buffy reality circa season 3 , and a much different Forks. Basically, these two worlds and types of monsters/hero's/heroine's collide in a blood fuelled mess over evil Forks. Rated M for a reason kids!
Crossover - Buffy: The Vampire Slayer & Twilight - Rated: M - English - Horror/Supernatural - Chapters: 7 - Words: 20,241 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 11/3/2009 - Published: 5/31/2009
Alone by ECduwlalredn82392 reviews
Submission for the Soft Of Beautiful Challenge.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,827 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 10 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 9/30/2009 - Published: 9/28/2009 - Complete
Landslide by SallyJupiter reviews
Winner of the Best Friend Jacob category in the Sort of Beautiful Challenge. Winner of the Silent Tear Award for Best Bella and Jacob. An unexpected friendship changes Bella's life in ways she never could have imagined. AH
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Friendship/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,589 - Reviews: 48 - Favs: 49 - Follows: 5 - Published: 9/28/2009 - Bella, Jacob - Complete
Between Hate & Love by CurtainEater reviews
Leah and Jake share a fiery confrontation in the woods after she utters the words she can't possibly have meant to the handsome boy she's loved her whole life. Leah/Jacob one-shot, written for the Sort of Beautiful Challenge.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,613 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 67 - Follows: 2 - Published: 9/14/2009 - Jacob, Leah - Complete
The Fallen Swan by SallyJupiter reviews
Winner: SilentTearAward BestForbiddenLove. Bella dedicates her life to unfurling the mystery behind the death of her best friend after her father is removed as sheriff. But an unwanted distraction sets her on an unexpected course. Homage to Veronica Mars
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Mystery/Friendship - Chapters: 9 - Words: 43,342 - Reviews: 198 - Favs: 91 - Follows: 122 - Updated: 9/2/2009 - Published: 3/23/2009 - Bella, Edward
Emmett Kicks Ass by FringeBangs reviews
Tired of all the angsty/emo/douchey Edward Cullen characterizations? Well, this Team Khaki creation rebels against that and gives us all what we want to see: Emmett kicking Angstward's ass.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 3,468 - Reviews: 40 - Favs: 18 - Follows: 19 - Updated: 8/9/2009 - Published: 4/9/2009 - Edward, Emmett
Bound by Blood by Reijilie reviews
Leah has two options.Jake, the object of her infatuation or Embry, the one she used in Jakes place.Between the announcement of Embry's real father,a battle,the death of two brothers and a tramatic event,this story is rated M for a reason.Lemon.Post NM,AU.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 19 - Words: 50,267 - Reviews: 435 - Favs: 118 - Follows: 74 - Updated: 6/6/2009 - Published: 2/8/2009 - Leah, Embry - Complete
Khaki Incarceration by The EB's reviews
After being featured on 'What Not To Wear' for their obsession with khaki, things quickly spiral out of control for Bella and Edward. Bella ends up in prison, Edward is distraught, Jacob has a plan, and poor Mike ends up dead. Can disco save the day?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 32 - Words: 18,297 - Reviews: 63 - Favs: 13 - Follows: 3 - Published: 5/26/2009 - Edward, Bella - Complete
He Caulks By Night by TheNinjaWolf reviews
Edward's a simple town Caulker, he meats Bella who's more into welding, can they ever find common ground? NB- This may not actually be the plot. One-play.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 853 - Reviews: 26 - Favs: 16 - Follows: 2 - Published: 5/20/2009 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Laundry day reviews
Jacob stumbles across Eddie alone. Eddie wants man love. A slash lemon oneshot dedicated to Team Swordplay and revenge for all the "Eddie Dom, Jacob Sub" stories.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Horror - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,252 - Reviews: 46 - Favs: 56 - Follows: 12 - Published: 4/11/2009 - Jacob, Edward - Complete
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