kscathammelfelt
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Joined 04-15-09, id: 1902499, Profile Updated: 03-02-12
Author has written 2 stories for Twilight.

Hello!!

I'm an 18 year old from Sweden! Woot woot, or whatever. I like to use this as an excuse if my spelling, grammar or anything I have done/written/said seems stupid/wrong. I do actually believe that it is a good excuse - Swedes are special people...

I'm very sarcastic, too lazy for my own good and scared of mostly everything that's not within the walls of my bedroom. Okay that's not true, I simply just don't like a lot of things :) but at the same time I adore a bunch of other stuff >_

There is a lot more to me than you'd think, I just can't express myself in the way I want to. I have a lot to say, just not the gut to actually say it.

Below this line is a bunch or random shit I, for some reason, decided to put on here...


Things to do on an Elevator

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."

14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"

18) DROP a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.

22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it

STUPID QUESTIONS I WANT ANSWERD!

If markers are toxic once inhaled, why do they make sented markers? there out to kill us

whos cruel idea was it for lisp to have and s in it?

are children what act in 'R' rated films allowed to see them?

If the sky is the limit then what is space, over the limit??

If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out." ?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out of its butt."?

Isn't Disneyland just a people trap operated by a mouse?

Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?

Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in 'mother in law', they come out to 'Woman Hitler'?

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning many, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?

Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are crazy?

Why is it when some products you have to turn upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn down?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from?

If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?

20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and
point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want
fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling
diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the
prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious
face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical
sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock
Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot
yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are
going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . . .
e-mail this to someone to make them smile and laugh. Its called therapy

YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN AUTHOR IF...

You talk to yourself a lot.

You talk to yourself about talking to yourself. (e.g. 'Why do I constantly ask my self random things?')

When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else. (e.g. 'Have you ever noticed that deliver could mean someones liver?')

After uttering a profound peice of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, 'Holy crap, this stuff is great for sugar highs...'

You live off of sugar and caffeine (the two greatest things ever discovered!)

You'll check your e-mail every day of the week and then disappear off the face of the earth.

You're e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.

When replying to an e-mail, you'll never actually address the point of it.

No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper.

The letters on your keyboard are wearing off.

People think you have A.D.D.

You think it'd be cool to have A.D.D.

You constantly start talking in third person, present or past tense.

You start thinking about making lists like this and start giggling for no "apparent" reason

Your friends stopped looking at you funny for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago.

And FINALLY, the one way to tell if you're a good writer: You failed English 101.

~Random Things~

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

~Random Qoutes~

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

-If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

-Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

-Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

-Trying is the first step toward failure.

-Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.

-And God(CARLISLE) said "Let there be Edward,"...and it was gooooood

-You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

-I ran with scissors, and lived!

-It takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 4 muscles to reach out and bitch slap that motherfucker who made you frown.

-I'm the kind of person who will burst out laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

-I agree with the dictionary. girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

-I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.

-They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people

~When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world try to figure out how you did it.

~Silence is golden but ductape is silver.

~Paper covers rock, bitch.

~I am a pink flamingo on the great lawn of life.

~Don't take life too seriously, it's not like you're getting out alive.

~I wanna blow shit up with my mind.

~you can ask permission now or beg forgiveness later

~never regret what once made you smile.

~The difference between humour and tradgety is that humor is when it happens to someone else

~Sometimes you make me so mad i want to throw you into ongoing trafic, but then i realize that i would probably kill myself trying to save you

~If you live to be 100 i want to be 100 minus one day so i will never have to live without you

~they say love is like magic, but isnt magic an illusion

~if nothing lasts forever, can i be your nothing

~Always forgive your enimies, nothing annoys them more

~LOVE... the slowest form of suicide

~Remember, God made men first because you always need a rough draft before you make perfection

~do you have a map cuz im lost in your eyes

~its not cheating untill you get caught

~THERAPIST=THE RAPIST... scary thought

~do you believe in love at first sight or should i walk past again

~Boy: why do you wear a bra if you cant fill it?
Girl: why do you wear pants? ahahahaha i always wantedd to say that to a guy!

~Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll, Speed, weed and Birth Control, Lifes a bitch until we die, so Fuck the world, lets get high.

~I'm the froot loop in a world of cherrios.

~I run with scisors. It makes me feel dangorus.

~This aint no ech-a-sketch,this is one doodle that cant be un-did homeskillet.

~Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?

~I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away.

~Don't look at me with that tone of voice!

~"Stress: The condition brought on by overriding the body's desire to kick someone's ass"

-Some People are only Alive because its Illegal to kill them

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Friend Boy by Teeny Tiny Twilight reviews
As if starting a new school away from her friends and family isn't enough, she has nuisance/captain of the football team Edward interested in her. “Hello, I’m Edward Cullen.” She took my hand, shaking it, “I’m not interested.”AH/AU Bella has better balanc
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 27 - Words: 167,260 - Reviews: 2890 - Favs: 4,077 - Follows: 1,445 - Updated: 9/21/2010 - Published: 9/16/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Heated by BlushingLotus reviews
"How do I treat hypothermia?" Sasuke asked, hands on his hips. Sakura was glad she didn't giggle out loud at the fact Uchiha Sasuke had to play nurse. Slightly AU, SasuSaku, Lemon. Bonus Chapter added!
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 21,064 - Reviews: 190 - Favs: 800 - Follows: 131 - Updated: 8/23/2010 - Published: 7/31/2010 - Sasuke U., Sakura H. - Complete
You Make My Dreams Come True by ashel-13 reviews
SEQUEL TO MLOONAA! Join Bella, Edward, and the gang as they reunite during college for breaks! Fun, Fluff, Lemons, and of course DTE! OOC, AU, and All Human. Please read Making Love Out Of Nothing At All first!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,387 - Reviews: 3846 - Favs: 2,237 - Follows: 2,212 - Updated: 8/2/2010 - Published: 5/22/2009
Venom by BlushingLotus reviews
When Sakura becomes infected with a deadly poison, she must turn to one of her male teammates for a cure. That is, if she can handle the steamy antidote. Sasu/Saku
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 6,595 - Reviews: 241 - Favs: 1,086 - Follows: 103 - Published: 7/23/2010 - Sasuke U., Sakura H. - Complete
Only Human by Amethyst Jackson reviews
Complete. A wish sends Bella back in time to Chicago, 1918, and to a human Edward. This story is baby-free.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 28 - Words: 60,635 - Reviews: 5895 - Favs: 9,434 - Follows: 2,415 - Updated: 4/7/2010 - Published: 6/1/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Better Than Starcraft by obsidian butterflies reviews
What does Kyuhyun think is more fun than playing Starcraft? Qmi Kyuhyun/Zhou Mi ; Male slash.
Misc. Tv Shows - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,899 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 6 - Published: 3/30/2010 - Complete
The Girl Under The Bed by Nostalgicmiss reviews
Bella Swan is homeless in one of the worst winters Seattle has seen. When hope is gone, and things take a turn for the worst a mysterious stranger steps in to help, turning her life upside down. Changing her life forever. AH/AU
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 42 - Words: 205,101 - Reviews: 3818 - Favs: 2,088 - Follows: 1,131 - Updated: 2/2/2010 - Published: 5/19/2009 - Bella - Complete
Bitter Sweet Symphony by I'mwiththevampires08 reviews
Rose and Edward make a bet. Will the school playboy be able to turn Bella into a vixen and get James to ask her out to prom? Will Edward make a good teacher and teach Bella everything she needs to know? Oh yes, there will be lemons! All human, OOC and Can
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 35 - Words: 201,689 - Reviews: 8664 - Favs: 5,331 - Follows: 5,068 - Updated: 1/13/2010 - Published: 9/7/2008
3 Ways Percy and Annabeth Could've Gotten Married by greenconverses reviews
Three possible wedding scenarios for Percy and Annabeth, and the one way they actually got married. Percy/Annabeth fluff. Futurefic.
Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,586 - Reviews: 138 - Favs: 413 - Follows: 36 - Published: 11/11/2009 - Annabeth C., Percy J. - Complete
Socks For Sex by Nostalgicmiss reviews
What happens after the wedding? Is life as a housewife everything it's cracked up to be for Bella Cullen? Will her single best friend Alice ever find the love of her life? Or is she destined to spend her time in the fashion world alone? AH OOC Rated M
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 39 - Words: 276,593 - Reviews: 117 - Favs: 152 - Follows: 69 - Updated: 9/7/2009 - Published: 2/10/2009 - Bella, Alice - Complete
Socks for Sex by goldentemptress reviews
Is life as a housewife everything it's cracked up to be for Bella Cullen? Will her single best friend Alice ever find the love of her life, or end up all alone in the world of high fashion? Collaboration with Nostalgicmiss, E/B & A/J-A/J, AH OOC Rated M
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 40 - Words: 276,760 - Reviews: 1341 - Favs: 1,052 - Follows: 734 - Updated: 9/7/2009 - Published: 2/9/2009 - Bella, Alice - Complete
Written In The Stars by EclipseoftheTwilightMoon reviews
Bella tells best friend, Edward, she loves him & he wants to stay friends. Bella moves on to another guy, but she comes back into Edward's life & he realizes he loves her too. He has to fight to win her back before she marries someone else. All human, OOC
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 44 - Words: 248,129 - Reviews: 4704 - Favs: 3,844 - Follows: 2,170 - Updated: 7/31/2009 - Published: 4/24/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Housemating Season by AngryBadgerGirl reviews
Bella's a freshman at Dartmouth who lives with 5 upperclassmen, including broody Edward, a vegetarian with a fixation on vampires. Plot line similar to the original Twi novel w/o the cockblocking and with more laughs. LEMONS, AH, canon pairings, BPOV.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 21 - Words: 94,772 - Reviews: 871 - Favs: 1,955 - Follows: 402 - Published: 6/7/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
The Red Line by WinndSinger reviews
Edward is an exotic male dancer. Bella is a college student studying psychology and needs a subject to do her thesis on. Bella pays Edward to belong to her for 2 weeks so she can study him. Things soon get very interesting between them.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 40 - Words: 351,671 - Reviews: 19326 - Favs: 11,938 - Follows: 5,466 - Updated: 5/1/2009 - Published: 1/26/2009 - Edward, Bella
Stay Through The Night by MizAlleyCat reviews
Worried about her sister's involvement with Edward Cullen, Isabella attempted to tackle him about it & for her pains found herself virtually kidnapped aboard his yacht & if she didn't co-operate, he would ruin her father. What would she do now? ALL HUMAN
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Family - Chapters: 34 - Words: 53,081 - Reviews: 192 - Favs: 347 - Follows: 156 - Updated: 3/7/2009 - Published: 2/2/2009 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Meyer University by Sh.C reviews
Bella moves to college where she meets and befriends the Cullens and Hales. Edward Cullen goes through many girls he meets Bella & sees something he likes. Much better Summary Inside. All Human. Adventure, mystery, humor & of course,a little romance! AU
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 63 - Words: 184,281 - Reviews: 8149 - Favs: 5,749 - Follows: 2,105 - Updated: 1/8/2009 - Published: 11/2/2007 - Complete
Beauty of Uncertainty by Twicebitten reviews
Bella, Alice, and Rosalie set sail for the cruise of a lifetime around the Caribbean. Edward, Jasper, and Emmett are aboard the same ship. Will it mean love for them all? R&R! AU. all human
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 26 - Words: 53,594 - Reviews: 529 - Favs: 382 - Follows: 156 - Updated: 9/6/2008 - Published: 7/10/2008 - Complete
Family Therapy Cullen Style by vjgm reviews
Carlisle has had it with the children's constant bickering so he sends the Cullen's to family therapy. Suicidal Edward,Bella's fear of committment, Alice addicted to shopping, Rosalie's hostility, Emmett and Japer's gambling..who will survive? FUNNY
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 18 - Words: 69,221 - Reviews: 8290 - Favs: 7,406 - Follows: 1,694 - Updated: 5/15/2008 - Published: 11/10/2007 - Complete
Love Thy Neighbour by BookMe reviews
Alice and Rosalie work at Vogue and need an interesting topic for their next month's article. Edward moves into town, and Bella has two weeks off work. What will happen when a pair of sneeky Cupids come out to play? All Human.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 13 - Words: 63,134 - Reviews: 738 - Favs: 711 - Follows: 267 - Updated: 4/22/2008 - Published: 3/24/2008 - Complete
Stalker, Stalker, Saviours by BookMe reviews
The girls are living in Seattle, with some sort of creepy stalker after them. What happens when the boys step in and move in? ExB EmxR AxJ
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 29 - Words: 65,296 - Reviews: 759 - Favs: 708 - Follows: 230 - Updated: 2/15/2008 - Published: 1/14/2008 - Complete
I'm Not Falling For You by ronOReds reviews
Bella get's picked to be on a dating reality show! How will the guys show their love and who will be the last one standing!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 18 - Words: 60,235 - Reviews: 3242 - Favs: 2,521 - Follows: 703 - Updated: 2/7/2008 - Published: 12/17/2007 - Complete
Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Good Campers reviews
Bella, Alice and Rosalie are going on a camping trip with school and to their misfortune they end up in the cabine next to Emmett, Edward and Jasper, the biggest players in school and if that wasn't enough, they also declare a prank war. OOC BxE RxE AxJ
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 11 - Words: 14,839 - Reviews: 73 - Favs: 68 - Follows: 52 - Updated: 3/2/2012 - Published: 7/27/2009 - Bella - Complete
Bedtime story! reviews
Bella comes up with a little bedtime story for Nessie and it ends up with teh entire family listening to Bellas fairytale.. She make familymember as the characters and she use storys like Little red riding Hood and Alice in wonderland. All vamp!
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Family/Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,671 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 3 - Published: 7/22/2009 - Renesmee C./Nessie - Complete