hide bio
Follow . Favorite
Joined 04-17-09, id: 1904507, Profile Updated: 09-01-09
Author has written 3 stories for Twilight.

We are...the Vamps of Twatlight. If you tee us off...we look like our avatar. So...try not to piss us off, kay? Or you may find yourself eaten. MWAHAHAHAHA!!

Hey everyone, My name is Candy Humpsalot. I am a 42/24/36 stripper that one day wants to head up Green Peace.

My likes are fluffy kittens, finding the perfect g-string to compliment my hooker heels and giving road head to anyone who is environmentally conscious enough to drive a Prius.

My dislikes are people thinking because I pose nude - I’m easy, guys who flatten my big hair while I’m giving oral sex - even those who drive a Prius and people who get overly fake boobies. Face it - if you are going to have them enlarged to the size of bowling balls you had better learn how to balance yourself on those sky high stilettos. Not everyone outside of the porn industry can pull that shiznit off.

Actually, my name is Stacey, also known as twilightmom. I am a full time working mom of four children (five if you include my husband). If you want to know my measurements just keep on wanting. My doctor doesn’t even know that info.

My likes are a day alone with no children in the house, my husband making me dinner and cleaning up the kitchen – and hell no, that does not include anything that comes from a cardboard box and can be delivered in 30 minutes or less. And late nighttime sex, where I can pretend to be asleep and still get enjoyment without having to reciprocate.

My dislikes are ravioli, which stains every effing thing it comes in contact with, people who use the bank drive thru and act like they have no clue what they are doing – yes, I ALWAYS get behind you. And most importantly being on the edge of the most perfect orgasm only to hear a knock on the door and one of my kids ask for a drink of water. Kids the ultimate Cckblocker –makes you wonder how you ever got more than one.

Hi guys! This is Bubbles LeTrampe. (It's pronounced Tram-PEH, thankyouverymuch) I'm five ten and a hundred and ten pounds of fun! I love to play the flute because I'm VERY gifted at blowing. blushes

My likes are riding bareback, (horses, of course. Whatever did you think I meant?) Swimming in the nude and teaching the neighborhood teenage boys how to properly wash a car. For some reason they just can't seem to figure out that it has to be WET to get it done effectively. Huh. Go figure.

My dislikes are...underwear. What is the point? I mean, really? Also, pajamas seem to be utterly pointless. I mean, what do you do in a bed anyway? Besides that, I dislike the fact that people think I'm stupid just because I have a triple D chest and a badonkadonk. I'm a very intelligent person. I work for the food service industry, damn it! It's hard keeping all the orders straight when you're a Hooters girl.

Actually my name is Jamie, also known as mischief_maker1. I'm a 28 year old wife and a mom to a brilliant five year old little girl. I work part-time for my family's company and constantly try to bone my hubby, who, well, really likes that I'm so...excitable...and the fact that I write smut. Hehehe. I love writing and have seriously become addicted to fan fic and all the reviews I get. grin

My likes are reading, writing, watching TV when I get a chance, and having time to myself. Whether it's to just be alone or to...pleasure myself, yeah, you'll just have to keep wondering about that one. I'm a night-time sex girl, I like it being in the dark. When it's dark your other senses are WAY more attuned to your mate. Don't believe me? Try it. Even better if you use a blindfold.

My dislikes are collard greens, (WTF? If it looks like grass, I ain't eating it) idiotic questions with obvious questions, (yes, my husband does that too. He's like CAPTAIN Obvious and I wanna smack the crap outta him for it) and whining. It doesn't matter if it's a child or adult. You whine? I'm gonna get in your face to shut the hell up before I rip you in two.

Hello All! I’m Ceemore Cocks, diva extraordinaire. About myself…let’s see. I’ve got long, dark hair, big boobs, a great butt and long legs. (What else is more important than that?)

My likes are cute little Chihuahua’s, expensive jewelry, flashy cars, photographers and guys with big penis’. (Yes, I do measure!)

My dislikes are babies because they spit up, ugly people, guys that expect head on the first date (that’s a second date activity) and bras.

Actually, my name is Teresa, but you know me as Imwiththevampires08. I’m a 28 year old wife and mother to three kids. I work full time during the day and my evenings are filled with homework, dinner and basketball/baseball practices – glamorous, I know.

My likes are reading, music, movies, football – Dallas Cowboys in particular, and spending a day with my family chillaxing. Oh and also sleeping in. Nobody bothers me on Saturday mornings…NOBODY!!

My dislikes are know it alls, pessimists, people who don’t listen, roaches and large bodies of water. Oceans, lakes, rivers, pools and the like have always creeped me out…especially at night.

We’re moms who have bonded over our mutual love of Twilight, the Cullen boys and smut…can you blame us? Together, we make up vampsoftwatlight. We aim to bring you great stories, great smut and lots of precarious situations. Any collaborations that we do between two or three of us will be placed here.

So, take a look around and enjoy. If you’ve got any questions or comments just PM us. We’d love to chat with ya!

Link to "To Walk a Mile" by MM1 and Twi-mom:

Link to our thread on twilighted:

How to Save a Life signature picture by Miztrezboo:


You can also follow us on Twitter. It is a great place to chat about the story - if you don't feel like navigating on the thread. ( there is an underscore between the words).

As if the three of us could not get into enough trouble on our own the girls at the Fornication Foundation have asked us to come play. You know them better as:




We suggest you check out all these lovely ladies as well as visit us at the Fornication Station

There is never a dull moment when you get us together.

Contest alert

"Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy"
a one shot contest.

Imagine if you will...

A bit of southern rugged ranch hand Jasper Whitlock looking take a roll in the hay...

A nationally acclaimed, bull rider, rodeo champion extraordinaire Emmett McCarty who knows how to ride..

The forbidden, married, stable owner Carlisle Cullen who's looking to invest assets in other places..

Or perhaps the wandering cowboy Edward Cullen looking for a place to hang his hat..

Break out the denim, boots and cowboy hats, turn up the country music cause we're goin' country y'all!

Here's the deal:
-Canon, Non canon, slash is welcome...but please no incest rape, etc.
-Make sure it's grammatically correct...find a beta, it'll be the best thing that ever happen to your writing
-Entry must be at least 3,000 words, but no more then 15,000

- Must be one shots that are not associated with any current story and not continued until after the contest is finished.

-It's hot and our cowboys deserve some lemonade. ;D in English..lemons folks..we want lemons!

Entries accepted from the 6th of September until the 20th September 2009.

All entries MUST have the following label –

Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy Contest

"Break out the denim, boots and cowboy hats, turn up the country music cause we're goin' country y'all!"



Rating – not needed, if your not of age to buy porn, then you shouldn’t be reading it no less writing it.

This one-shot is being posted in participation with the above mentioned contest hosted by bemylullaby,ImWithTheVampires08 , mischief-maker1 , miztrezboo, Nostalgicmiss, TwilightMom and our admin assistant Mimi here at the FournikationFoundation. Please see any of the aforementioned author’s profiles for complete contest information, or see the C2 community ‘Fournication Station Contests’.

Please PM any of the contest holders

(Bemylullaby, ImWithTheVampires08, Mischief-Maker1, Miztrezboo, TwilightMom or our administration assistant here at the FournkiationFoundation)

when you’ve uploaded your entry.

Now get out there ya’ll and write us some Sexy Southern Sass!

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

How to Save a Life reviews
As temptations, needs and desires spiral out of control what will it take to make it back to the one your heart belongs to? Rated M for mature content. AH/AU
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 14 - Words: 58,121 - Reviews: 801 - Favs: 187 - Follows: 284 - Updated: 9/29/2009 - Published: 4/29/2009
Preggers and Proud reviews
Follows our story "To Walk a Mile in My Shoes". Alice wants to show Jasper exactly how it feels to be pregnant. Chaos ensues when she gets her hands on the magical herb that changed everything for Rose/Em. Lemons, OOC, AH
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 10 - Words: 45,978 - Reviews: 438 - Favs: 133 - Follows: 116 - Updated: 7/3/2009 - Published: 4/23/2009 - Alice, Jasper
The Matchmaker and the MixUps reviews
When the Cullens celebrate Nessie's first birthday, pirate-style, Emmett, Jasper and Edward get more than they bargined for. AU, POST BD, LEMONS for the PIRATE TALKING CONTEST
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Family - Chapters: 2 - Words: 8,690 - Reviews: 56 - Favs: 66 - Follows: 17 - Updated: 7/3/2009 - Published: 6/10/2009 - Complete