Author has written 2 stories for Twilight.
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James Petterson Novels
Stand up comedy
"The nicest thing for me is sleep, then at least I can dream" Marylin Manroe
"Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not." George Bernard Shaw
"To fly, we have to have resistance" Maya Ying Lin
"God, my greatness is beggining to become a burdon, get back to me" Dr Cox (scrubs)
"Newbie if the next two words out of your mouth arent seeya then the third will be 'Ow my crotch you've punched me in the crotch'" Dr Cox (scrubs)
"You seem unhappy, I like that" Janitor (scrubs)
Just to make you laugh...
Pick up line combacks:
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Man: Is this seat empty?
Man: Your place or mine?
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
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Things to do on an Elevator:
CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
SAY -DING at each floor.
SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
DROP a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
SWAT at flies that don't exist.
CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.