Carnal Contessa
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Joined 04-30-09, id: 1919316, Profile Updated: 10-30-10
Author has written 1 story for Twilight.

Hey Everyone! How's it going? I'm Funeral Knell

For those of you who don't know what a Knell is, it's the bell rung at a funeral. Hence the name.

I think most of my stories shall be LEMON and DARK! If you can't handle some sadistic and twisted stories with adult content then stay away from my stories. They aren't for the young or squeamish.

Betas are ALWAYS welcome! So are suggestions! I'm not so good with the flamming and such, I have a short temper but don't worry, I won't spazz on anyone.

Funny Things I Hear From Friends

I'm An Astronaut And I'll Be Exploring Uranus

Was Your Father A Baker? 'Cus You Got Nice Buns

I Ain't A Ritz! I'ma Cracka! Capt'n Crunch Ass Busta!



I Seen A Plastic Thing On My Moms Floor And Went To Look At It. It Was...A Condom. A Santa Claus Condom. I Went To My Mom And Asked "Mom, Why Is There A Santa Claus Condom On Your Floor" She Said "Don't Touch That! It Was Used Last Night!"

You're Lying Like A Two Dollar Whore

I Like This Not This !! Yeah Well I Like This AND This ! long discussion involving fingers meaning sexual preferance, fun times...

How Can Spongebob Drown At The Beach If He's Already Under Water? Why IS There A Beach Underwater?! Is Spongebob Gay? There's Only 3 Girls In That Show And He Hasn't Kissed Any Of Them! Spongebob's A Homo!

HOLLYWOOD! I'M GOIN TO HOLLYWOOD!The Local Crazy Homeless Scary Guy Came Up Dancing and singing that to me and my friends. let's just say he doesn't like being laughed at...

Flying Colors!

Keep Your Trap Shut Before I Take This Pencil And Shove It Up Your Nose!

Grrr...Did You Just Growl? Shhh You'll Blow My Cover!

You Better Not Be Worshipping The Devil! No I'm Not! No, She Isn't, The Devil Worships HER!

What's Shoved Up Her Ass?! I Don't Know. I Think A Stick...No Not Just A Stick, A Whole Tree! No Wait! A Forest! She Has A Forest Up Her Ass!

I Swear If I Wasn't So Tired I'd Stand Up And Kick Your Ass.

You're So Annoying! You Can Say Whatever You Want But Then When Anyone Wants To Say Something You Go "Shhh Shut Up! Be Quiet!" Yeah Whatever. Shut Up. You're Annoying.

You're A Necrophiliac! Damn Straight!

Me and some guy

Give me the stick.

-clutches stick- No.

Give. Me. The. Stick.


I swear if you don't give me the stick I'm going to throw you down this hill.


Last Chance...


-I tackle him and we roll down the hill-

-random guy standing there- Hey yous two! Quit making out!

Oi! I just wanted my stick!

I shall update soon...

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Straight From the Textbooks by weartheseshorts reviews
When Bella is late for her assigned study room, she has no choice but to share the back room with her very hot teacher from high school. Short story. Lemon. All-Human. Bella/Edward. Inspired by Jayeliwood's "Sexy Eddie Contest".
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 64,463 - Reviews: 397 - Favs: 1,043 - Follows: 849 - Updated: 6/7/2011 - Published: 10/8/2008 - Bella, Edward
TheMissingChronicle:TheLion,The Witch&HisLioness by BringOnTheShackles reviews
Bella is captured and sold as a slave to Edward. She hates him, she doesn't love him, she doesn't even know his second name. But is there more to Bella than meets the eye? After all Bella is only short for Isabella. Isabella Swan. Lemons;Etc
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 33 - Words: 97,788 - Reviews: 2221 - Favs: 1,420 - Follows: 982 - Updated: 9/14/2010 - Published: 3/26/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Naughty Secrets by A Little Distracted reviews
Bella is a school librarian leading a naughty secret life. Edward is a history teacher with a naughty obsession. If he could only see what is right in front of his face... AU/AH - Rated M for Hot LEMONS! Each chapter alternates POV's
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Fantasy/Romance - Chapters: 23 - Words: 146,129 - Reviews: 2350 - Favs: 2,221 - Follows: 1,404 - Updated: 4/12/2010 - Published: 11/16/2009 - Bella, Edward
Only Human by Amethyst Jackson reviews
Complete. A wish sends Bella back in time to Chicago, 1918, and to a human Edward. This story is baby-free.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 28 - Words: 60,635 - Reviews: 5983 - Favs: 10,197 - Follows: 2,662 - Updated: 4/7/2010 - Published: 6/1/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
The Misadventures of Us by thamker reviews
Emmett, Edward and Jasper attend a school that is allowing Girls in for the first time. Alice, Bella, and Rosalie are just three of the girls attending. Follow along for lots of fun. Rated T for safety. All human cannon pairing
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 13 - Words: 38,968 - Reviews: 69 - Favs: 57 - Follows: 39 - Updated: 3/19/2010 - Published: 5/14/2009
Virtual Intimacy by theladyingrey42 reviews
Bella is too shy to approach the pierced, tatted boy at the back of the lecture hall. But when she begins chatting with a classmate with an unusual screen-name, she lets a bolder side of her personality through. Lemon-shot Christmas present for antiaol.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 6,704 - Reviews: 557 - Favs: 1,966 - Follows: 467 - Published: 12/27/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
3 plus 3 equals 6 by iamvamp reviews
Alice, Bella and Rose move into a rented house... but they need a couple more flatmates to fill the empty rooms and pay the rent... All human. OVER 300,000 HITS! Sequal chapter added- 16th May 09
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 30 - Words: 133,502 - Reviews: 1982 - Favs: 1,943 - Follows: 718 - Updated: 5/16/2009 - Published: 3/12/2008 - Complete
I'm in Love with a Stripper by XoPri24 reviews
Bella, Rosalie, and Alice all work at a strip club. what will happen when three boys go to visit that club? what will suprise the six of them?...suck at these short summaries, better one inside.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama - Chapters: 9 - Words: 17,902 - Reviews: 69 - Favs: 81 - Follows: 120 - Updated: 5/3/2009 - Published: 1/24/2009 - Bella, Edward
My Pen Pal by Shaps reviews
AU, OOC, All Human. “Dear Bella, My name is Edward Masen. I’m a student at Port Angeles High.” Shopaholic Alice hates smart-ass Jasper, Jacob’s a jerk, Bella’s taken. Words both break and build relationships – so what will it be? BxE, AxJ
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Friendship/Romance - Chapters: 29 - Words: 142,515 - Reviews: 1656 - Favs: 1,160 - Follows: 415 - Updated: 12/1/2008 - Published: 6/7/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Dancing Dead reviews
The year is 2028. Vampires are warring among each other and humans are near extinction. The Cullens are one of the most powerful, and feared, families around. What happens when Bella joins the family? The Cullens now have their sights set on the Volturi. Very OOC. AU. Dark!Cullens. Powerful!Cullens. Read inside for details.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Horror - Chapters: 4 - Words: 15,658 - Reviews: 20 - Favs: 19 - Follows: 18 - Updated: 10/31/2010 - Published: 11/20/2009