Figgy Bonbon
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Joined 05-02-09, id: 1921466, Profile Updated: 10-03-17
Author has written 2 stories for Final Fantasy VIII.

My name is Figgy, I'm a twenty seven year old Scottish writer/professional lunatic. Now I give you, my infamous lists.

Nine Stupid Things To Do With A Bar Of Chocolate

Throw it in the bin

Unwrap it, smear it with axle grease and give it to a loved one

Use it as smear on deodorant

Eat half, then offer to sell it back to the shop for half price

Smear it all over your face and pretend to be eighteen months old

Melt it down and use it as yummy eye shadow

Jump up and down on it until your feet are filthy

Give the dog a bite

Attempt to smoke it.

Ten Things You Wouldn't Want To Find On Your Doorstep In The Middle Of The Night

Your ex-girlfriend, cradling a child in her arms.

A circus clown carrying a machete

Two tonnes of fresh pig manure

A naked Maori with a glazed expression

Four nuns spending a penny and giggling to themselves

A midget with a cut throat razor

Two midgets with two cut throat razors

The pilot of the missing Flight 19, carrying a bouquet of fresh roses

A long dead relative

A wreath with your name on it

Twelve Stupid Things To Take Into The Bath With You

A four bar electric heater

A school of barracuda

A surfboard

Quick setting cement

40 lb of instant potato mix and a whisk

A speedboat

Four Boy Scouts and a Polaroid camera

Cat wee-wee scented bath lotion

A dead wildebeest

Water wings

A deep sea divers suit

Your clothes

Twelve Stupid Things To Tell Your Children What You Did In The War

I was a traitor and spied for the enemy

Napalmed an entire village; it was bloody brilliant.

Tortured anyone I could get my hands on

Shat myself

Shot myself

Hid under a bed in Canada

Peeled 600,000 potatoes

Went AWOL for six years

Dressed as a woman to avoid conscription

Killed 317 of my own men by accident

Killed 317 of my own men on purpose

Fought for Hitler

Eight Stupid Things To Put On Your Answerphone

"I'm here but I can't be bothered to answer you."

"I haven't got the slightest interest in what you have to say, so don't leave a message."

A message pretending to be Barack Obama

"Thank you for dialling Leather Fantasy Line. Please leave your name, address and fantasy after the tone."

A message in Dutch

"You have dialled the wrong number. Now fuck off."

The Nepalese national anthem

A four tonne weight.

Ten Things You Wouldn't Want To Sit On By Accident

The cat

A rusty four inch spike

Your dinner

Your last packet of cigarettes

A red hot poker

A bullet ants nest

Your collection of exotic bird eggs

What the cats just retched up

A complete strangers hand

A large predatory animal

Ten Things That Are Bad For You

Anything you enjoy

A bucket of Polish vodka

Throwing yourself into a live volcano

Wayward woman

Married men

Radioactive bath towels

Running into a germ warfare plant and inhaling sharply

Consuming 800 cheeseburgers in 30 minutes

The working week


A Hundred Things There Aren't A Name For

Ten Things You Wouldn't Want Down Your Underpants

A Malaysian bollock eating lobster

A lump of the Number 4 reactor from Chernobyl

A miniature working model of a guillotine

The barrel of a sawn-off shotgun that happens to have a dodgy safety catch

A panicked shark

20 litres of Absinthe

Your collection of used razor blades

A bare copper wire, the other end of which is tied securely to a kit flying in a thunderstorm

A bushel of stinging nettles

Deep skid marks

Ten Stupid Ways To Fake Orgasm

Bash your head repeatedly against the headboard, gasping "Je t' t'aime."

Bounce off all four corners of the room, doing your impression of a steam locomotive

Say "Oh I've come..." rather matter-of-factly.

Run out of the room screaming "Yesohyesohyesohyes!"

Beat your breast and yodel like Tarzan

Roll of the bed, and keep rolling over and over whispering "So good."

Vibrate violently while conjugating a common Latin verb.

Throw salad cream everywhere

Grip your partners sexual organs as hard as you can, pretending to be lost in the throes of rapture

Pretend to be unconscious for so long, your partner panics and phones an ambulance

Ten Stupid Things To Use As The Baton In A Relay Race

A small cactus

A live scorpion

Anything covered in super glue

Anything white hot

Anything securely manacled to your wrist

A lit stick of dynamite

An anvil

A baton shaped piece of margarine

Your willy

Someone else's willy

Eleven Jobs Guaranteed Not To Impress Your Girlfriends Parents

Professional drag artiste

Chief vivisectionist

Serial killer



Commander of a Japanese whaling fleet

The man who cuts of electricity in other peoples houses

Sperm donor


The man who centrifuges urine at the hospital

Senior Vice President of al-Qaeda

Five Stupid Things Figgy Wishes He Could've Done At College

Have a helper monkey on roller skates that wore a fez and waistcoat

Incentivise my morons of classmates to work faster by means of a baseball bat with a nail through it

Exert mind control over various people

Order selected girls to wear swimwear in the classroom

What I was told

Nine Things You Wouldn't Find In A Typical Amish Household

The keys to a Bugatti Veyron

An Uzi

A CD multi-changer and complete set of Iron Maiden albums

A laptop with very exotic Internet history

Crack cocaine with a street value of $600,000

A poster of Freddy Krueger

A copy of American psycho with all the good parts underlined and "Yes!" scrawled in the margins

Several copies of Playboy, some with "water damage".

Hair Gel

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Queen of Ice and Fire by Ronin-ai reviews
Quistis Trepe: Instructor, SeeD, and occasional secretary, is preparing a new crop of cadets for a field exam. Normal routine for her...until Nida decides to shake it up by finally taking a chance and asking her out. will sparks fly?
Final Fantasy VIII - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 21 - Words: 136,611 - Reviews: 40 - Favs: 13 - Follows: 20 - Updated: 7/2 - Published: 6/15/2011 - Quistis T., Nida
The Third Great War by Knight of Rust reviews
Set two year after FFVIII, a new batch of cadets take their SeeD exam. While the world is in a peace brought by the end of Ultimecia, a diabolical plot is being set in motion. SeeDs new and old will need to join forces towards a common goal: saving the world. Critics & Reviews welcome.
Final Fantasy VIII - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 6 - Words: 16,593 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 6/20 - Published: 10/28/2010 - Irvine K., OC
On The Tides Of Fate by Strings805 reviews
A year after Ultimecia's defeat, Rinoa's powers have begun to grow out of control. While the group does everything they can to help her, a startling truth behind their victory comes to light, and remnants of the late Sorceress's reign emerge from the shadows. As more revelations about the past are revealed, is it only a matter of time before history repeats itself? Hyne only knows…
Final Fantasy VIII - Rated: T - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 18 - Words: 156,001 - Reviews: 87 - Favs: 20 - Follows: 36 - Updated: 2/22 - Published: 9/18/2015 - Squall L., Rinoa H., Selphie T., Irvine K.
Drowning in Fire by h34rt1lly reviews
The war is over. Everyone seems to have moved on, but for Selphie and Seifer, it's still waging. In the wake of an increasingly unsettled world state, the two of them find their lives intertwined once more, and end up discovering the real solution they've desperately been looking for [The Successor Challenge 2016].
Final Fantasy VIII - Rated: T - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 14 - Words: 124,298 - Reviews: 37 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 9 - Updated: 9/2/2016 - Published: 8/1/2016 - Nida, Seifer A., Selphie T. - Complete
Black Swan by h34rt1lly reviews
Three years after the second Sorceress War, everyone has moved on with their lives, except for Quistis. Riddled with bitterness and with nothing to lose, she accepts an unexpected mission to Esthar with an unexpected partner, and her world is turned upside down. Sometimes, you fall in love with the one you'd least expect. Seiftis.
Final Fantasy VIII - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 18 - Words: 118,543 - Reviews: 167 - Favs: 43 - Follows: 48 - Updated: 11/22/2015 - Published: 5/5/2015 - [Seifer A., Quistis T.] Rinoa H., Squall L. - Complete
In Treatment by Rydia Pryde reviews
Follow Squall as he has to go through mandatory group therapy after Time Compression. Through it he will slowly learn more about himself and his relationship with Rinoa and slowly begin to understand his comrades. Cameos abound.
Final Fantasy VIII - Rated: T - English - Humor/Friendship - Chapters: 11 - Words: 25,433 - Reviews: 57 - Favs: 40 - Follows: 42 - Updated: 6/1/2015 - Published: 11/20/2012 - Squall L.
Explorations by Insert Amusing Username Here reviews
Post-game. During some time alone Squall uses the new privacy he has as an opportunity to explore himself. LEMON.
Final Fantasy VIII - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,856 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 4 - Published: 6/19/2014 - [Squall L., Rinoa H.] - Complete
Phoenix by Bebedora reviews
Death is final. At least that is what you have been taught to believe. A tale of death, rebirth and betrayal. Rated M for language, violence and graphic material.
Final Fantasy VIII - Rated: M - English - Drama/Family - Chapters: 65 - Words: 229,225 - Reviews: 317 - Favs: 27 - Follows: 19 - Updated: 10/5/2013 - Published: 8/13/2012 - [Raine L., Laguna L.] [Squall L., OC] - Complete
Compelled By Love by lateVMlover reviews
Buffy and Faith are on the trail of a notorious vampire called the Ripper. It leads them to Mystic Falls, the town where Willow has brought Dawn to finish out her senior year of high school. Willow hopes to discover why strong magics are felt from the area. The Scooby gang is surprised to discover a new breed of vampires. The Slayers will work to control Klaus and his hybrids.
Crossover - Buffy: The Vampire Slayer & Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 30 - Words: 130,531 - Reviews: 313 - Favs: 170 - Follows: 123 - Updated: 7/22/2013 - Published: 12/11/2012 - Buffy S. - Complete
Harry Potter and The Mouth of Hell by DavidB226Morris reviews
The Ministry has fallen, and Harry and his friends are on the run. In a desperate attempt to stop Voldemort and find the remaining Horcruxes, the bedeviled trio is led to track down the help of the Slayer.
Crossover - Buffy: The Vampire Slayer & Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 20 - Words: 116,244 - Reviews: 66 - Favs: 160 - Follows: 152 - Updated: 11/7/2012 - Published: 2/6/2012 - Faith L., Harry P. - Complete
West of the Moon, East of the Sun by KnifeEdge reviews
Every night it's the same dream: a dark room, a big bed, and a silent vampire I can't see... Set in an AU Season 5 with no Glory or Dawn B/S. Rating has gone up.
Buffy: The Vampire Slayer - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 76 - Words: 376,650 - Reviews: 1742 - Favs: 1,484 - Follows: 287 - Updated: 9/29/2010 - Published: 6/17/2010 - Buffy S., Spike - Complete
Bleed It Out by Freyjadour reviews
COMPLETE:: Squinoa AU: Rinoa moves to Balamb and meets Squall a punk/rebel. She thinks he is a bad kid but is there more then what meets the eye. she tries to figure out more about him when she starts to fall in love with him.
Final Fantasy VIII - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 20 - Words: 142,450 - Reviews: 240 - Favs: 132 - Follows: 46 - Updated: 1/25/2009 - Published: 8/20/2007 - Squall L., Rinoa H. - Complete
Legacy of the Chimera by Peptuck reviews
Three years after The Gunblade Saga, Squall Leonhart encounters the deadliest enemy of all: his own family. Can he and his comrades uncover the truth about the Chimera's legacy, while fighting terrorists, megalomanical madmen, and encroaching apocalypse?
Final Fantasy VIII - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 44 - Words: 325,480 - Reviews: 847 - Favs: 177 - Follows: 49 - Updated: 4/10/2006 - Published: 4/5/2005 - Complete
The Gunblade Saga by Peptuck reviews
Fate's game has ended. A hero has risen to save existence, and now only the future lies ahead of him and his comrades. A complete, written chronicle of Final Fantasy VIII. Finished at last!
Final Fantasy VIII - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 59 - Words: 473,015 - Reviews: 650 - Favs: 456 - Follows: 77 - Updated: 4/7/2005 - Published: 6/24/2004 - Complete
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Hell Still Waits reviews
Maybe Seifer Almasy did deserve to go to hell but he wasn't in any hurry to embrace it and he would fight to his last breath to avoid it. He was no Sorceress' Knight, young revolutionary or aspiring SeeD cadet. He was Seifer Almasy and he would fight his past to the death until it killed him. Contains strong language, violence and scenes of torture.
Final Fantasy VIII - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 25 - Words: 155,435 - Reviews: 56 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 11 - Updated: 10/15 - Published: 8/9/2014 - Complete
Let Us Burn reviews
The sequel to Hell Still Waits. Seifer is trapped thousands of years in the future, an ancient and powerful menace has been unleashed and the fate of everyone on the planet hangs in the balance. Squall, Rinoa and their baby are going to learn that you should never dismiss the sins of your past. Rated M for violence, strong language, sexual references, torture and drug use.
Final Fantasy VIII - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Supernatural - Chapters: 28 - Words: 156,964 - Reviews: 43 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 2/16/2016 - Published: 4/24/2015 - Complete