Author has written 2 stories for Final Fantasy VIII.
My name is Figgy, I'm a twenty seven year old Scottish writer/professional lunatic. Now I give you, my infamous lists.
Nine Stupid Things To Do With A Bar Of Chocolate
Throw it in the bin
Unwrap it, smear it with axle grease and give it to a loved one
Use it as smear on deodorant
Eat half, then offer to sell it back to the shop for half price
Smear it all over your face and pretend to be eighteen months old
Melt it down and use it as yummy eye shadow
Jump up and down on it until your feet are filthy
Give the dog a bite
Attempt to smoke it.
Ten Things You Wouldn't Want To Find On Your Doorstep In The Middle Of The Night
Your ex-girlfriend, cradling a child in her arms.
A circus clown carrying a machete
Two tonnes of fresh pig manure
A naked Maori with a glazed expression
Four nuns spending a penny and giggling to themselves
A midget with a cut throat razor
Two midgets with two cut throat razors
The pilot of the missing Flight 19, carrying a bouquet of fresh roses
A long dead relative
A wreath with your name on it
Twelve Stupid Things To Take Into The Bath With You
A four bar electric heater
A school of barracuda
Quick setting cement
40 lb of instant potato mix and a whisk
Four Boy Scouts and a Polaroid camera
Cat wee-wee scented bath lotion
A dead wildebeest
A deep sea divers suit
Twelve Stupid Things To Tell Your Children What You Did In The War
I was a traitor and spied for the enemy
Napalmed an entire village; it was bloody brilliant.
Tortured anyone I could get my hands on
Hid under a bed in Canada
Peeled 600,000 potatoes
Went AWOL for six years
Dressed as a woman to avoid conscription
Killed 317 of my own men by accident
Killed 317 of my own men on purpose
Fought for Hitler
Eight Stupid Things To Put On Your Answerphone
"I'm here but I can't be bothered to answer you."
"I haven't got the slightest interest in what you have to say, so don't leave a message."
A message pretending to be Barack Obama
"Thank you for dialling Leather Fantasy Line. Please leave your name, address and fantasy after the tone."
A message in Dutch
"You have dialled the wrong number. Now fuck off."
The Nepalese national anthem
A four tonne weight.
Ten Things You Wouldn't Want To Sit On By Accident
A rusty four inch spike
Your last packet of cigarettes
A red hot poker
A bullet ants nest
Your collection of exotic bird eggs
What the cats just retched up
A complete strangers hand
A large predatory animal
Ten Things That Are Bad For You
Anything you enjoy
A bucket of Polish vodka
Throwing yourself into a live volcano
Radioactive bath towels
Running into a germ warfare plant and inhaling sharply
Consuming 800 cheeseburgers in 30 minutes
The working week
A Hundred Things There Aren't A Name For
Ten Things You Wouldn't Want Down Your Underpants
A Malaysian bollock eating lobster
A lump of the Number 4 reactor from Chernobyl
A miniature working model of a guillotine
The barrel of a sawn-off shotgun that happens to have a dodgy safety catch
A panicked shark
20 litres of Absinthe
Your collection of used razor blades
A bare copper wire, the other end of which is tied securely to a kit flying in a thunderstorm
A bushel of stinging nettles
Deep skid marks
Ten Stupid Ways To Fake Orgasm
Bash your head repeatedly against the headboard, gasping "Je t'aime...je t'aime."
Bounce off all four corners of the room, doing your impression of a steam locomotive
Say "Oh I've come..." rather matter-of-factly.
Run out of the room screaming "Yesohyesohyesohyes!"
Beat your breast and yodel like Tarzan
Roll of the bed, and keep rolling over and over whispering "So good...so good."
Vibrate violently while conjugating a common Latin verb.
Throw salad cream everywhere
Grip your partners sexual organs as hard as you can, pretending to be lost in the throes of rapture
Pretend to be unconscious for so long, your partner panics and phones an ambulance
Ten Stupid Things To Use As The Baton In A Relay Race
A small cactus
A live scorpion
Anything covered in super glue
Anything white hot
Anything securely manacled to your wrist
A lit stick of dynamite
A baton shaped piece of margarine
Someone else's willy
Eleven Jobs Guaranteed Not To Impress Your Girlfriends Parents
Professional drag artiste
Commander of a Japanese whaling fleet
The man who cuts of electricity in other peoples houses
The man who centrifuges urine at the hospital
Senior Vice President of al-Qaeda
Five Stupid Things Figgy Wishes He Could've Done At College
Have a helper monkey on roller skates that wore a fez and waistcoat
Incentivise my morons of classmates to work faster by means of a baseball bat with a nail through it
Exert mind control over various people
Order selected girls to wear swimwear in the classroom
What I was told
Nine Things You Wouldn't Find In A Typical Amish Household
The keys to a Bugatti Veyron
A CD multi-changer and complete set of Iron Maiden albums
A laptop with very exotic Internet history
Crack cocaine with a street value of $600,000
A poster of Freddy Krueger
A copy of American psycho with all the good parts underlined and "Yes!" scrawled in the margins
Several copies of Playboy, some with "water damage".