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Author has written 5 stories for Final Fantasy VIII.
My full given name is Alastair Graeme Todd, but I have developed the habit of shortening it to Ally at all times, including on my exam papers which is a testament to my relaxed approach to academic achievement. I was born in 1990 in Scotland where I still live but beyond that I'm not going to tell you because I don't want MI6 finding me. I have worked in various positions before I landed on my occupation which is a full time writer. In addition to my own original works I write fanfic a lot, some might say too much. I focus religiously on one of the legendary Final Fantasy RPG's namely number eight. I have attempted forays into other 'verses (Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Angel, The Vampire Diaries and Smallville)with invariably messy results. I stay with FF8 because I feel simultaneously comfortable and challenged here. As for reviews of my handiwork, I enjoy ones full of compliments, I am pretty ambivalent towards flames and I love those containing constructive criticism.
I have tried one shots, but they never worked so I've resigned myself to the fact that it's just not in the cards for me. I'm much more suited to large multi-chapter fics that some people might call "epics". I'm trying to get better at writing action and romance and try to cut down on dialogue. Fair warning though, my fics do tend to contain violence, strong language, sexual content (though nothing to graphic. This is not Fifty Shades of Shite), torture, disturbing imagery and more besides. I have gathered in the past that some youngsters have read my material and although I'm happy about that all I ask is they tutor themselves in the art of internet history manipulation because I don't want angry dads turning up on my doorstep and attempting to kick my head in for corrupting their little darlings. I also spend my time think up funny lists that are generally in pretty poor taste (see below).
My Rant Against Tidus from Final Fantasy X
Let me make one thing abundantly clear from the start. I hated Final Fantasy X and pretty much everything it stood over. I have reasons. My main niggles with it are listed here. First of all, there was the shameless sexual objectification of Rikku, a fifteen year old girl (if this was a live action game we’d all be registered sex offenders). Then there was Seymour’s blue hair antlers, Wakka’s dodgeball that turns people to stone and the linear as hell, no surprises plot. Even the excellent soundtrack well put together battle system and the character of Auron could not undo the damage done by the absurdly complicated Sphere Grid character management system and the person the game keeps on telling us is the hero.
Tidus is the “hero” of the game, or at least he thinks he is. Everyone else, not so much. You might as well get used to him constantly shrieking about how this is his story because he NEVER shuts up about it. After Final Fantasy IX I thought I could tolerate anything but I did not see what was coming next. I am going to say it. I hate Tidus! I hate his hideous Leo DiCaprio face! I hate his Meg Ryan hair! I hate his intolerable nasal voice and every time he opens his big fucking mouth I want to stab him in the neck with an ice pick just to watch him die! Excuse me. My main problem is that the game tell us early on that Tidus is a blitz ball superstar. What is blitzball? Not important, that’s another rant for another day. The problem part is that he is an allegedly attractive sporting superstar. How is the average gamer supposed to relate to that? That’s like me trying to relate to Lionel Messi and my Spanish is not too hot.
Tidus is not the best blitzball player of all time though. That would be his father Jecht and we know this because of all the topics Tidus loves to whine incessantly about his favourite by far is his daddy issues. You see, in the flashbacks we learn that Jecht treated little Tidus like day old take out. You might feel sorry for him but look at it from Jecht’s point of view. You’re the greatest sporting superstar and Captain Jack Sparrow impersonator that ever lived and Tidus is the whiny little brat who will inherit your family name? It’s what I like to call the “Justin Bieber Parent Syndrome”. Ask yourself could you live with the fact that your loins produced such a screeching abomination. Now we have to go through the whole game dealing with Jecht’s unholy spawn. I feel for Jecht I truly do, but after blighting the world with this blithering stupid waste of lederhosen he should be tried for crimes against humanity.
Tidus is from Zanarkand originally until a flying Godzilla creature called Sin destroyed the city. He is somehow transported a thousand years into the future and is told not to say he’s from Zanarkand because Yevon, the deity of the story, says that the Zanarkand Ruins are a holy place and that he might upset someone. No more than four minutes later he meets a blitzball team called the Besaid Aurochs and wins their worship when he gets a hold of a ball and uses it to showcase his ability to casually shatter the laws of physics. Then for an encore, he tells them he’s from Zanarkand. Turns out Jecht didn’t just refuse to hug Tidus; he also dropped him on his head as a baby. Probably more than once. I will probably get some hate mail for this but Tidus is so stupid, I think he’s the best argument for the Glasgow Murder Defence; he needed killing. Trust me, if you press mute every time Tidus is speaking to listen to a baby crying, you’re actually less likely to slit your wrists.
The absolute worst thing about Tidus is his insistence that this is his story. Ever since this game, SquareEnix has had a real problem with telling us who the protagonist of the story is. Vann and Penelo had no place in Final Fantasy XII, and Final Fantasy XIII was all over the place3. First it was Vanille, then Snow and then finally Little Miss Square cannot let me go, Lightning. Back to Final Fantasy X though. This is NOT Tidus’ story. Yuna a.k.a. door mat, is a lot more of a logical protagonist than that bleached blond shit skid. She’s an ordinary gal who has an extraordinary destiny thrust upon her. Even Auron would be a better fit. His friendship with Braska and Jecht is only lightly touched upon. Sooner or later Square will make a prequel about Braska’s pilgrimage and fuck that up as well. Then there’s Tidus’ saying that “his story” will go the way he wants it, or he’ll end it right here. Quick, hold him down! I’ll get the razor blades.
It gets even better when we take a look at Tidus’ disregard for religion. As soon as he arrives in the town of Besaid he hits ups the local temple and discovers that the apprentice summoner has been inside the cloister of trails for over a day now, which is slightly unusual. In a bizarre outburst on nobility, Tidus rushes into the most sacred ground shouting something to the tune of “your religion is a hollow lie”. Religious intolerance, sad that. It turns out that nothing was wrong with the trials so all Tidus managed to do was piss all over centuries of tradition. This was where I really began to take an issue with the game because instead of taking the infidel out to the village square, publicly castrating him and burning him at the stake we decide to take him along on the pilgrimage, because he’s the hero I guess.
This sets the stage for the most infamous scene in the game. Love begins to blossom between Tidus and Yuna (and I’m pretty certain the called in George Lucas to punch up the dialogue-quick start talking about sand). Yuna decides to put the moves on Tidus by telling him that the smiles when she’s feeling sad. Okay, could be worse I suppose and then in a shocking twist it is. Yuna tells Tidus to start laughing out loud and believe me, it is the most annoying sound in the world bar none. Do you hear this people? This is the sound of my hell.
In conclusion, SquareEnix, fans of Final Fantasy X and fans of Tidus, kiss the darkest part of my white ass!
Ally Todd's Lists he did because he was bored.
Ten Stupid Ways to Fake an Orgasm
- Bash your head repeatedly against the headboard while gasping"Je t'aime...je t'aime..."
- Bounce off all four corners of the room, doing your impression of a steam locomotive
- Say "Oh, I've come." rather matter-of-factly
- Run out of the room scream "Yesohyesohyesohyesohyes!"
- Beat your breast and yodell like Tarzan
- Roll off the bed and keep rolling over and over whispering "So good...so good."
- Vibrate violently while conjugating a common Latin verb
- Throw salad cream everywhere
- Grip your partners sexual organs as hard as you can, pretending to be lost in the throes of rapture
- Pretend to be unconsciousness for such an extraordinary length of time you partner panics and calls an ambulance.
Fourteen Things It Would be very Stupid for the Pope to do (I'm so going to hell for this)
- Walk around with a large black panther straining at the leash
-Snigger every time he says "You may kiss my ring."
- Hit himself over the head with a mallet.
-Do wheelies on a top of the range Harley
- Get someone pregnant
- Rip all his clothes off and run shrieking through Saint Peters
- Record a duet with Miley Cyrus
- Come out of the closet
- Tell everyone it's all been a big hoax
- Declare that, henceforth he wishes to be known as Lucille
- Drive the Popemobile in a demolition derby
- Appear in a Durex commercial
- Lose his faith
- Use the Turin Shroud to wipe his bottom.
Ten Stupid Things to Use as the Baton in a Relay Race
- A small cactus
- A scorpion
- Anything covered in super glue
- Anything white hot
- Anything securely manacled to your wrist
- A lit stick of dynamite
- An anvil
- A baton shaped stick of butter
- Your willie
- Someone elses willie
Twelve Jobs Guaranteed to not Impress Your Girlfriends Parents
- Professional drag artiste
- Chief vivisectionist
- Serial killer
- Staff Training Officer at Aldi
- Commander of a Japanese Whaling Fleet
- The man who cuts of the electricity in old peoples houses
- Sperm donor
- The man who centrifuges urine at the hospital
- Senior Vice President of al-Qaeda
Six Stupid Things I Wish I Could've Done at College
- Have a helper monkey on roller skates that wears a fez and a red waistcoat
- Done what I was told
- Incentivise classmates to work harder by means of a baseball bat with a nail through it.
- Exert mind control over classmates and tutors to make them submissive and whimper like whipped dogs in my presence
- Order selected girls to wear swimwear in class
- Slaughter all members of staff in a Satanic Death Ritual.
Nine Stupid Things to Wouldn't Find in a Typical Amish Household (I am REALLY bored)
- A multiplay CD system and the whole set of Iron Maiden Albums
- A life size poster of Freddy Krueger
- An Uzi
- Cocaine with a street value of $6,000,000
- The keys to a Pagani Zonda F
- 27 issues of Playboy, some with "water damage"
- A wardrobe full of bright, skimpy, beach wear
- A fridge crammed full of Buds
- Edible underwear
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