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Author has written 5 stories for Final Fantasy VIII.
My full given name is Alastair Graeme Todd, but I have developed the habit of shortening it to Ally at all times, including on my exam papers which is a testament to my relaxed approach to academic achievement. I was born in 1990 in Scotland where I still live but beyond that I'm not going to tell you because I don't want MI6 finding me. I have worked in various positions before I landed on my occupation which is a full time writer. In addition to my own original works I write fanfic a lot, some might say too much. I focus religiously on one of the legendary Final Fantasy RPG's namely number eight. I have attempted forays into other 'verses (Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Angel, The Vampire Diaries and Smallville)with invariably messy results. I stay with FF8 because I feel simultaneously comfortable and challenged here. As for reviews of my handiwork, I enjoy ones full of compliments, I am pretty ambivalent towards flames and I love those containing constructive criticism.
I have tried one shots, but they never worked so I've resigned myself to the fact that it's just not in the cards for me. I'm much more suited to large multi-chapter fics that some people might call "epics". I'm trying to get better at writing action and romance and try to cut down on dialogue. Fair warning though, my fics do tend to contain violence, strong language, sexual content (though nothing to graphic. This is not Fifty Shades of Shite), torture, disturbing imagery and more besides. I have gathered in the past that some youngsters have read my material and although I'm happy about that all I ask is they tutor themselves in the art of internet history manipulation because I don't want angry dads turning up on my doorstep and attempting to kick my head in for corrupting their little darlings. Word of friendly advice, don't try it.
My Rant Against Tidus from Final Fantasy X
Let me make one thing abundantly clear from the start. I hated Final Fantasy X and pretty much everything it stood over. I have reasons. My main niggles with it are listed here. First of all, there was the shameless sexual objectification of Rikku, a fifteen year old girl (if this was a live action game we’d all be registered sex offenders). Then there was Seymour’s blue hair antlers, Wakka’s dodgeball that turns people to stone and the linear as hell, no surprises plot. I could’ve let those things go but even the excellent soundtrack, well put together battle system and the character of Auron couldn’t undo the damage done by the absurdly complicated Sphere Grid character management system and the person the game keeps on telling us is the hero.
Tidus is the “hero” of the game, or at least he thinks he is. Everyone else, not so much. You might as well get used to him constantly shrieking about how this is his story because he NEVER shuts up about it. After Final Fantasy IX I thought I could tolerate anything but I did not see what was coming next. I am going to say it. I hate Tidus! I hate his hideous Leo DiCaprio face! I hate his Meg Ryan hair! I hate his intolerable nasal voice and every time he opens his big fucking mouth I want to stab him in the neck with an ice pick just to watch him die! Excuse me. My main problem is that the game tell us early on that Tidus is a blitz ball superstar. What is blitzball? Not important, that’s another rant for another day. The problem part is that he is an allegedly attractive sporting superstar. How is the average gamer supposed to relate to that? That’s like me trying to relate to Lionel Messi and my Spanish is not too hot.
Tidus is not the best blitzball player of all time though. That would be his father Jecht and we know this because of all the topics Tidus loves to whine incessantly about his favourite by far is his daddy issues. You see, in the flashbacks we learn that Jecht treated little Tidus like day old take out. You might feel sorry for him but look at it from Jecht’s point of view. You’re the greatest sporting superstar and Captain Jack Sparrow impersonator that ever lived and Tidus is the whiny little brat who will inherit your family name? It’s what I like to call the “Justin Bieber Parent Syndrome”. Ask yourself could you live with the fact that your loins produced such a screeching abomination? Now we have to go through the whole game dealing with Jecht’s unholy spawn. I feel for Jecht I truly do, but after blighting the world with this blitheringly stupid waste of lederhosen he should be tried for crimes against humanity.
Tidus is from Zanarkand originally until a flying Godzilla creature called Sin destroyed the city. He is somehow transported a thousand years into the future and is told not to say he’s from Zanarkand because Yevon, the deity of the story, says that the Zanarkand Ruins are a holy place and that he might upset someone. No more than four minutes later he meets a blitzball team called the Besaid Aurochs and wins their worship when he gets a hold of a ball and uses it to showcase his ability to casually shatter the laws of physics. Then for an encore, he tells them he’s from Zanarkand. Turns out Jecht didn’t just refuse to hug Tidus; he also dropped him on his head as a baby. Probably more than once. I will probably get some hate mail for this but Tidus is so irritating, I think he’s the best argument possible for the Glasgow Murder Defence; he needed killing. Trust me, if you press mute every time Tidus is speaking to listen to a baby crying, you’re actually less likely to slit your wrists.
The absolute worst thing about Tidus is his insistence that this is his story. Ever since this game, SquareEnix has had a real problem with telling us who the protagonist of the story is. Vann and Penelo had no place in Final Fantasy XII, and Final Fantasy XIII was all over the place. First it was Vanille, then Snow and then finally Little Miss Square cannot let me go, Lightning. Back to Final Fantasy X though. This is NOT Tidus’ story. Yuna a.k.a. door mat, is a lot more of a logical protagonist than that bleached blond shit skid. She’s an ordinary gal who has an extraordinary destiny thrust upon her. Even Auron would be a better fit. His friendship with Braska and Jecht is only lightly touched upon. Sooner or later Square will make a prequel about Braska’s pilgrimage and fuck that up as well. Then there’s Tidus’ saying that “his story” will go the way he wants it, or he’ll end it right here. Quick, hold him down! I’ll get the razor blades.
It gets even better when we take a look at Tidus’ disregard for religion. As soon as he arrives in the town of Besaid he hits ups the local temple and discovers that the apprentice summoner has been inside the cloister of trails for over a day now, which is slightly unusual. In a bizarre outburst on nobility, Tidus rushes into the most sacred ground shouting something to the tune of “your religion is a hollow lie”. Religious intolerance, sad that. It turns out that nothing was wrong with the trials so all Tidus managed to do was piss all over centuries of tradition. This was where I really began to take an issue with the game because instead of taking the infidel out to the village square, publicly castrating him and burning him at the stake we decide to take him along on the pilgrimage, because he’s the hero I guess.
This sets the stage for the most infamous scene in the game. Love begins to blossom between Tidus and Yuna (and I’m pretty certain they called in George Lucas to punch up the dialogue- quick! Start talking about sand). Yuna decides to put the moves on Tidus by telling him that she smiles when she’s feeling sad. Okay, could be worse I suppose and then in a shocking twist it is. Yuna tells Tidus to start laughing out loud and believe me, it is the most annoying sound in the world bar none. Do you hear this people? This is the sound of my hell!
In conclusion, SquareEnix, fans of Final Fantasy X and fans of Tidus, kiss the darkest part of my white ass!
My Favourite Things
Writers: Ian Rankin, Robert Ludlum, James Oswald, Brian Jacques, Andy McNab, Chris Ryan, Robert Muchamore, J.R.R. Tolkien, J.K. Rowling, Stephen King
Films: The Departed, The Shawshank Redemption, Apocalypse Now, Full Metal Jacket, Saving Private Ryan, Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Senna, Jason Bourne, Jurassic Park, The Hurt Locker, Pirates of the Carribean, The Big Lewbowski, James Bond, No Country For Old Men, Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, Goodfellas, Raging Bull, Taxi Driver, Silver Linings Playbook and Avengers Assemble.
TV Shows: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly, Smallville, Arrow, Game of Thrones, Band of Brothers, Ultimate Force and The Bill.
Music: Queen, The Beatles, Sex Pistols, The Clash, The Ramones, Bon Jovi, Guns N' Roses, David Bowie, Elton John, The Rolling Stones, Green Day, Rancid, The Offspring. Good Charlotte, Bowling for Soup, Simple Plan, Eminem, Coolio, Busted, McFly, The Sounds, Anberlin, The Who, Dropkick Murphy's, Red Hot Chilli Pipers, Kiss, AC/DC, Joan Jett, The Foo Fighters, Aimee Mann, Blink 182, Black Mustang, Within Temptation, Electric Six, Snow Patrol, Paramore, Taylor Swift, Oasis, Blur, Bruno Mars, Cee Lo Green, Ludwig von Beethoven, Carl Orff, Richard Wagner, Hans Zimmer, Alan Silvestri and John Williams.
Video Games: Final Fantasy VIII, Call of Duty, Pokémon, Crash Team Racing, Croc, Spyro the Dragon and Star Wars Battlefront.