Author has written 1 story for Twilight.
If you or your best friend is insane copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you have ever laughed at something that you wouldn't normally laugh at because it was really late at night, copy this into your profile
If you've ever walked into a doorway that you could've clearly dodged, you just weren't paying close enough attention, copy and paste this on your profile.
If someone actually thinks that you are evil and/or plotting their death, copy and paste this into your profile.
A thirsty, African-American man crossed the street to drink or water at the only water fountain in sight.
The white man came over to him and said, "Colored people are not allowed here."
The black man turned around and stood up.
He then said:
"Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK,
When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK.
But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN,
When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?"
The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away... Post this on your profile if you hate racism
~Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest telling us to sit down and shut up.
~ I got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the w's
~ A true idiot climds a glass wall to see what's on the other side.
~You say I'm not cool. But cool is just another word for cold. so if I'm not cold, I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
~Boys are like Slinky's. Useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
~When life gives you lemons, you make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it. When life gives you more, you throw them back, because really, who likes lemons? And when it gives you even more, squirt them in their eyes and see how much life likes lemons then.
~Guns don't kill people. People kill people.
~If guns don't kill people, ten can I blame all my misspells on my pencil?
~I know I just said 'Guns don't kill people. People kill people.' But I think that guns help! I mean, not much would happen if you just sit there and yell 'BOOM'
~You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder
~A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend/girlfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.
~A good friend will bail you out of jail. But a Best Friend will be sitting next to you saying "Let's do it again!"
~Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity got framed.
~I used all my sick days so I called in dead.
~Life isn't trying to pass me by; it's trying to run me over!
~You're just jealous because I'm the only one the voices talk to.
~The extinction of the dinosoars was no accident. Barney came along and they all committed suicide.
~Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.
~When in doubt, make words up!
~The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
~If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you!
~If you're going to be two-faced sweetie, at least make one of them pretty!
~Don't worry about the end of the world coming today- it's already tomorrow in Australia.
~Kids are the future. Be afraid, Be very afraid!
~Welcome to the dark side. We have cookies! Oh, that red stuff leaking out of them?...That's cooking oil.
~Before you criticize a person, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and have their shoes!
~An idiot is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire their work.
~Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss!
~There is no 'I' in team, but there is an 'I' in PIE, an so there is an 'I' in MEAT PIE and since MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...
~Newscaster tell the people who tell you "Good evening" and then procede to tell you why it's not.
~Two things are infinite; infinity, and human stupidity. Not so sure about infinity...
~Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible? ~I was going to take over the world but I got distracted by something sparkly. A sparkly Vampire.
~Don't hit kids. Seriously, they have guns now.
~WARNING- lost kids will be sold to the circus
~If your heart was really broken, you'd be dead. So SHUT UP!
~If you can't live with out me, then why aren't you dead yet?
~I don't have a dog. I eat my own homework.
~WARNING- stop throwing your cigarette butts on the carpet! Seriously, the cockroaches are getting cancer!
~There are three kinds of people- those who count, and those who can't.
~Warning: trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.
~Welcome to the internet! Pants optional.
~If I throw a stick, will you go away?
~The grass may be greener, but it's just as hard to mow!
~If the world didn't suck we'd all fall off. (Personally this is my favorite one!!)
~I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
~I like you. When I rule the world your death will be quick and painless.
~If someone told most people they were weird, most people would disagree. I would ask what their first clue was.
Mental Hospital Phone Menu:
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital!
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blond, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
If you think that life without computers is useless then copy this to your profile
If your reading fanfics when your supposed to be studying for a major test the next day, and telling your parents your studying, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever laughed for no particular reason, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.
If you think that some day you are going to be claimed by a greek god or goddess paste this on your profile.
If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, copy and paste this into your profile.
Pluto was declared no longer a planet on August 27, 2006, because it was "too small" and "off its orbit" for some scientists' likings. If you think Pluto should still be a planet, copy and paste this to your profile. (next they'll tell us Jupiter is to big)
Did you know the average American only reads 3 books a year? If you don't believe that it's even possible to read that little, copy and paste this onto your profile. (who are they talking to?)
If FanFiction to you is what MySpace is to other people, copy this into your profile.
If you think those stupid kids should just give the rabbit the freaking Trix, copy this into your profile
If you have more than 100 books in your room, copy this into your profile
If you have an annoying younger--or older-- sibling, please copy and paste this into your profile.
1F Y0U C4N UND3R574ND 7H15 M355463 C0PY 17 4ND P4573 17 1N70 Y0UR PR0F1L3.
If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile.
If you've ever been stabbed with a plastic fork by your BFF because you were taking his or her tater tots, copy this into your profile.
Ninety-three percent of the teen population would die if Abercrombie and Fitch said it wasn't cool to breathe. Copy and paste this if you would be part of the seven percent that'd be LAUGHING YOUR BUTT OFF!
If you think that Writer's Block sucks, copy and paste this into your profile.
If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer!
Boys are like purses: cute, full of crap, and always replaceable
Boys are like skateboards, they can go fast but usually there pretty slow.
Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them more
Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, and then kill them.
Don’t mess with me I've got a stick.
Heaven doesnt wan't me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.
When you’re down I may not be able to pick you back up, but I promise I’ll be willing to lay down right next to you
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, geez!
For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you what you are doing that is so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour-long sob fest, and then start singing and dancing when your favorite song comes on. Crazy is when you do or say a completely random thing, like "Do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or having a thumb war with yourself. Crazy is when you type up all your favorite sayings, print them off and tape them to your wall, just for something to do. Crazy is also wondering, "Is there a letter in the alphabet that can't be pronounced without another, other than E? Like... B would be... be or bee..." If you're crazy, copy this onto your profile and add something crazy you've done to the list!
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it!
What a guy means, when he says some stuff-
“Oh, don’t fuss, I just cut myself, it’s not big deal.”
"It would take too long to "
A girl and guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle
Girl: Slow down, I'm scared!
Guy: No, this is fun.
Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: I love you, now slow down!
Guy: Now give me a big hug.
Girl: She gives him a big hug.
Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me.
In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his break wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she could live. If you would do this for a loved one copy and paste
If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy this into your profile
If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you've ever checked your story for reviews over 5 times in one day, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.
98 percent of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy and paste this in your profile.
If you are not one of those people who thinks having over 1 thousand friends on myspace is a contest copy this to your profile
If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you've ever forgotten how old you are when someone asked you, copy and paste this onto your profile
If you know someone who should be run over by a bus, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile.
If you were there at the midnight release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, copy and pastes this onto your profile.
If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.
If you realize that copying and pasting things into your profile is pointless, yet you do it anyways, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever stopped to look at something in the middle of a busy street, copy this into your profile.
If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you get good grades and still know nothing at all, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you have ever felt the undeniable urge to slam your head into something, whether it is another person or not copy this into your profile.
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile. (Sadly, I usually lose)
If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this into your profile.
If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer. (again!!)
If you have an odd sort of love/hate relationship with your computer, copy this to your profile.
If you have ever seen a movie or read a book so many times that you can quote it word for word, and do so at random moments, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you believe some teachers are seriously prejudiced, copy an paste this in your profile.
If you have ever threatened your computer, copy and paste this into your profile.
If keyboards hate you, copy and paste this.
Signs you live in 2009
1. You are on your computer everyday
2. You are more inside, than out.
4. You are on this site often.
5. As you read this, you keep nodding and smiling.
6. You were too busy, reading, nodding, and of course smiling, that you didn't notice there wasn't a number three.
7. You looked back to see if there was a number three.
8. You feel a bit stupid.
9. You think this is funny.
10. You want to copy this in your profile, right now - feel free.
If you have ever wanted to slap someone, but restrained yourself, congratulations, and copy and paste this to your profile.
98 percent of teenagers, do drugs, have sex, and drink alcohol...put this in your profile if you like bagels.
I wear black so I must be a Goth.
I'm young so I must be naive.
I have good grades, so I must be a Nerd.
I love animals so I must become the crazy old cat lady.
I get depressed so I must be Emo.
I'm blonde so I must be an idiot.
I'm religious, so I must shove my beliefs down your throat.
I'm Native American, so I must be a savage.
I'm a white girl, so I must be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.
I'm pretty, so I must not be a virgin.
I have straight A's, so I must be easy.
I'm a virgin, so I must be prude
I'm a girl who actually eats lunch, so I must be fat.
I'm single, so I must be ugly.
I'm Christian, so I must hate homosexuals.
I love shopping, so I must be rich.
I hate stereotypes and think people should just shut up and stop, Post this.
If you take great pride in being strange, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you can think of a song in relation to almost anything, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you have ever had multiple songs stuck in your head at the same time, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you smack books when the charecters are being annoying, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you ever had a book just sit on your bookshelf and seemly glare at you. And you eventualy end up reading it because it starts yelling at you, copy and paste this into your profile.
IMPORTANT THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME!
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
Things to do in an Elevator
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag,
2) STAND silent and motionless in the
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look
12) TRY to make personal calls on the
13) DRAW a little square on the floor
14) WHEN there's only one other person
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they
16) ASK if you can push the button for
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.
A world wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a huge failure, In Africa they didn’t know what ‘food’ meant. In India they didn’t know what ‘honest’ meant, In Europe they didn’t know what ’shortage’ meant. In China they didn’t know what ‘opinion’ meant. In the Middle East they didn’t know what ’solution’ meant. In South America they didn’t know what ‘please’ meant, and in the USA they didn’t know what ‘the rest of the world’ meant.
I think this is amazing!! The human brain is like wow, i don't even know how to explain how awesome this is.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Yaeh and I awlyas toghuht slpeling was ipmorantt! tahts so cool!
If you can read that please put it in your profile.
OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Obituary for the Half-Bloods
The demigods in the titan war fought bravely. They refused to give up in the gods, Western Civilization or on life. Some survived, but those who didn't will always be rememberd. They're sacrifice will not have been in vain. We will uphold the values that they stuck to. We will emulate ther incredible belief. Because otherwise, we might as well have murdered them ourselves.
Dora the exporer is soo an Illegal Immigrant...
Ok, so here's the deal... If you need the explanations they're
1) She speaks spanish... she speaks spanish perfectly... what
2) That backpack
3) She's carrying a freaking ZOO with her! I mean, she has a monkey, an
4) She's always on an "adventure" to
5)The evidence is so obvious and
Really Dumb Store labels:
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows day . . .)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)
On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh no we get real fake bacon.)
A teenage girl about 17 had gone to visit
She ended up staying longer than
As she walked along under the tall elm
When she reached the alley, which was a
However, halfway down the alley she
She became uneasy and began to pray,
Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness
When she reached the end of the alley,
The following day, she read in the
Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and
Thanking the Lord for her safety and to
She felt she could recognize the man, so
The police asked her if she would be
She agreed and immediately pointed out
When the man was told he had been
The officer thanked Diane for her bravery
She asked if they would ask the man one
Diane was curious as to why he had not
When the policeman asked him, he
Amazingly, whether you believe or not,
Even when you can't see Him, GOD is there! Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God, and 93 of the people that read this won’t repost it?