Author has written 9 stories for Vampire Academy, Maximum Ride, Twilight, and Avatar: Last Airbender.
I'm gonna take the Lemony Snicket route here: Turn back now, for nothing but dreadful events follow this simple passage. Please, to protect the yet unshattered fragility of your mind and soul, click the nearest back button and read something that won't make you tear your eyes out.
Did you do it? Pfft, of course not. You're only human. If someone tells you not to do something, it's pretty much guaranteed that you'll do it just because they said not to. I've yet to figure out if this is just the thrill of doing something forbidden or if it's merely out of spite. Either way, it's an interesting little trait that makes the mind easily manipulated.
Did I do a good job of peaking your interest? No? Damn...Oh well, just read on to discover meaningless facts about FullMoonBallad, a billion quotes that will make you giggle and think for a few moments, and finally to a small collection of pieces of literature known to most as "stories." I like to think of mine as such, but, in all honesty, they're insults to the word. But I suppose that's for you to judge, isn't it?
Now, onto the meaningless info section of the profile:
Name: Isn't the whole point of a pen name to keep your identity hidden? Just call me FullMoonBallad. It's better than my real name, anyway.
Sex: Proud carrier of the XX chromosome, thank ya very much. For the scientifically challenged, that means I'm a girl.
Height: Umm, I think I'm 5' 3"...ish. Short people will rule the world; just you wait and see. As long as they don't put the nuclear weapons on that dreaded top shelf...
Weight: Classified information. C'mon, who isn't insecure about their weight?
Eye Color: A warm, chocolate brown that you could melt away in...haha.
Hair Color: I have changed it to an awesome black, but my natural color is light brown.
Location: A hick town in the middle of no where. I know everyone says this to sound "mysterious" or something, but, seriously, my surroundings consist of scattered bars and cow pastures. Not the most exciting place to live, but, hey, you gotta live somewhere, I guess.
Fav. Color: No question; blue, any shade. I'm kind of partial to silver and purple too. But I'm obsessed with how colors balance and complement each other, so I like all of them.
Fav. TV Show: Definitely Avatar: the Last Airbender but I also like River Monsters and basically anything science-y. Recently I have found the greatness of actual anime including Bleach, Ouran High School Host Club, Peach Girl, and Vampire Knight, so those are on the list as well.
Fav. Cartoon Characters: Katara, Zuko, Toph
Fav. Music: I like songs in a whole array of genres; anything from country to rap to heavy metal. Mostly I like pop and rock. I really don't have any favorite songs because (this will sound strange) I try to be...uh...fair...to the songs, I guess.
Fav. Band/Artist: Paramore, Linkin Park, Hollywood Undead, Breaking Benjamin, Flyleaf, Evanescence, Nickelback, Three Days Grace, Red, Skillet, Fireflight, 3OH!3, Boys Like Girls, Britney Spears, Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood, Flo Rida, Rihanna, and Lady GaGa.
Fav. Book Genre: Romance, science fiction, thriller, action/adventure, horror, almost anything that has a vampire, monster, creature, etc.
Fav. Books: Twilight saga, Vampire Academy series, House of Night series, Maximum Ride series, The Host, Dead Sexy, Sweep series
Fav. Authors: Stephanie Meyer, Richelle Mead, P.C. Cast/Kristen Cast, James Patterson, Amanda Ashley, Dean Koontz, Lois Duncan, Cate Tiernan
Fav. Movies: Twilight, Armageddon, AVP, AVP:R, District 9, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Step Up, She's the Man, Take the Lead, and many others
Zuko & Katara: I would give a wonderfully beautiful discription of why they should be together but I won't because A) I'm not a poet and B) there is nothing I can say that will fully explain why I believe they would be great together. I have always been a firm believer in the "opposites attract" philosophy and I know I'm not the only one who has seen the chemistry between those two.
Aang & Toph: They just look so cute together!
Edward & Bella: I don't even think this one needs an explanation.
Rose & Dimitri: This one just goes without saying; they understand each other so completely. I almost cried when I read Shadow Kiss. And I'm still kind of depressed after reading Blood Promise.
Lissa & Christian: Again, I like the opposite thing; Lissa is sweet and caring while Christian could care less about people (except Lissa, obviously.) Their attitudes totally complement each other.
Fang & Max: They have awesome potential, if Max would get over herself and give Fang a chance.
Fav. Time of the Day: I know that no one ever does this but, hey, this is important to me. My favorite times of the day (or night, actually) are when the sun is setting (I LOVE watching the sun set) and basically whenever the moon and stars are visible.
Fav. Weather: Again, this is something no one puts in a profile, but I don't really care. My favorite weather is cool and rainy with an overcast sky: basically autumn weather. I also love storms, just not when they turn into tornado warnings and such. They kind of freak me out, even though I'm still fascinated by them. I have a contradicting mind, if you can't already tell.
Fav. Season: Autumn. I hate it when people just call it "fall." I think it's demeaning to the season. Yeah, don't ask.
Fav. Game: Anything Pokemon...don't judge me.
Fav. Number: 5 And, no, I really don't know why.
Fav. Animal: I love birds and reptiles the most, but I'm a real animal person, so I like them all. I've been having a recent obsession with wolves and I really don't know why. It could be because of New Moon trailers. Wolves are so wild and free, but they still have a familial structure that is admirable. They work so well together in groups, so in sync with each other. It's really cool. Sorry, I'm a dork.
Even though I probably won't put any stories on here, I do love writing. I just don't like writing about things that are already set in stone, like the character's attitude, and what not. Edit: Holy crap! I really did put something on here. Wolfy, I owe this all to you! I aspire to become a biologist of some sort, but I've always dreamt of being an author. I've been looking into microbiology lately; it seems to be my kind of thing. I also like singing very much and I know I have a good voice, but I'm not going be an idiot and strive to be the next Britney Spears or anything. Umm...let's see. Oh! And I also believe in aliens. Random, huh?
There's a billion other things I could say on this thing, but, like I said, I doubt anyone will ever see this, so all this crap was just put on here for nothing. Oh, hey, in case the people who actually read this are wondering: No, I am not emo or anything. I'm a fun-loving person, I have an awesome sense of humor (if sarcasm is considered humorous), and I like doing things with my friends. It's just that when I do things like profiles, I tend to be serious and self-critiquing, so to speak. So, yeah...ummm...Ok, that's it.
Rant: There's something I've recently noticed that is bothering me a bit. I'll make this clear right now: I do not like reviews that just say "OMGZ write more plz!" I want to know what you thought I could improve on or, at the very least, tell me what I did right. I'm not trying to be mean, and I know not everyone has the time or patience to write a long review. However, I want to get better at writing, and if I just have people saying "Good story" and nothing else, then how am I supposed to create better stories in the future? That being said, I do appreciate every single review I get; I just prefer that I get something a little more than the aforementioned examples. I know my stories don't exactly deserve a ton of reviews and praise, but for the people who do take the time to say something, and something good that I can work with, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
6-12-09: Okay, for anyone who enjoys my stories, I am sorry to say that I will not be able write for most of the summer. I am participating in a program that will chew up six weeks of my break, leaving me with no time to write. In the meantime, if you like Warriors and Maximum Ride, check out Songofthewolf's stories. She'll probably have some up while I'm gone, and, trust me, she's a much better writer than I am. And, Wolfy, if you're reading this, you know it's true.
6-13-09: Check out the fic Songofthewolf and I wrote together for Maximum Ride: Fang's worst night...ever. It's on her page. It's kind of the last thing I'll be able to have a part of for a while, so we hope you enjoy it.
7-25-09: I am back from my six week survival trial of living and going to school at UWSP and ready to start writing again! If anyone has ideas for something I should write, please feel free to PM me. Songofthewolf and I just wrote the next chapter for Fang's worst night ever. Check it out peoples! Oh, and if you're a fan of Vampire Academy, go check out the excerpt from the next book Blood Promise here: www.richellemead.com/excerpt/excerpt10.htm It is freaking awesome! And be sure to read the rest of it when it comes out on August 25!
7-29-09: Got another story comin' at ya! This time it's Zutara, baby! Woah, sorry, but it's like, 2:00 AM right now and I need to sleep but I'm not tired. So I'm kinda hyper...which never happens. I should be scared. Terrified, actually. Must be the high from writing a new story. Oh well, anywho, check it out peeps!
9-6-09: Finally uploaded the sequel to One Too Many. It would have been up sooner, but FF.net was being dumb. So, yeah, check it out and enjoy!
9-25-09: Finally got around to doing another VA oneshot. This one sucks, just to warn you, but I need some practice writing the drama/tragedy/depressing elements of stories. So you might see more of these crappy things in the future. If I'm gonna take the time to write them, I might as well post them for you guys to read and critique, right?
2-4-10: So, first update of the year. Shall I toss the confetti? Eh, sorry, I'm in a bad mood (when am I not, right?) Just here to tell you guys that I'm not dead, and Songofthewolf and I have been collaborating on a few different projects. So, you've got something to look forward to in the near future. Hopefully. Maybe if I get some encouragement coughREVIEWScough I might squeeze out a one-shot or two. If you want me to. However, if you'd rather come upon a case of the flu rather than read my work, I wouldn't blame you. Tell me anyways, though. I'm well aware that I need work, so if you want to criticize me then go ahead and do so.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. The stories I write are purely fan fiction and I in no way, shape, or form deny that. I no steal, you no sue, comprende? I only put this on here because I know I'll sometimes forget to put disclaimers on all of my individual stories.
P.S.-Check out my two best buds Songofthewolf and mysteriousQuack.
Just a little something I found interesting:
YOUR GUY SIDE: (the things in bold is what I chose. I got this from MoonlightSpirit's profile)
You love hoodies.
YOUR GIRL SIDE:
You wear lip gloss/stick.
CONCLUSION: AHHHH!! I'm half n' half! O.o
Yvonne: (drops water bottle) I almost broke my water!
Me: These dryers are heterosexually challenged!
Dillon: What's porn?
Morgan: (sneezes) God bless America!
Morgan: What the flip-flop?!
Morgan: Why are guys always hitting us in the boob?
Krissy: I couldn't sleep because of the drunk ghost!
Travis W: (flicks taco meat at Morgan)
Travis N: I'll take responsibility for your mind getting screwed up here because I'll probably cause it.
Morgan: (after riding The Scrambler) My vagina's in my stomach right now!
Travis W: What's that p word again? Oh, yeah, prostate exam. That's when they stick a tube up in there.
Travis N: I'm gonna wear your skin.
Cheeneng & Krissy: Do you wanna die? 'CAUSE I'LL KILL YOU!
Me: Yeah, my great-grandmother was run over by a train when she was picking berries on the track, or something.
Me: (Looking at ruined ditch) Dude, really? You had to tear it up like that?
Mr. Klawitter: (giving examples for the word "entice") A delicious dessert may entice you. The opposite sex may entice you...or the same sex; I shouldn't be discriminatory...I should just shut up now. Yeah, lets just go back to desserts...
Schmeider: She looks like a serial killer.
Mr. McFarlane: Okay, so now open your book to page-
(Was that how it went, Sara? I don't know it word for word. XD)
Everything from this point on came from someone else. I do not claim to own anything.
Copy & Pastes
If you have an increasingly sophisticated and extensive vocabulary, situate this in your characterization.
If you think everyone's out of their mind, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you like chocolate as much as I do, copy this in your profile.
If you love rain, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have a true friend, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever been called a bookworm and are proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think Fang is hot...copy and paste this on your profile.
Admitting you are weird means you are normal. Saying that you are normal is odd. If you admit that you are weird and like it, copy this onto your profile.
If you are random and don't care, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you do NOT think astrology is cheesy and no good, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.
If you've ever been standing straight up and suddenly fell down for no apparent reason, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you get good grades and still know nothing at all, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you love Max Ride and cannot live without it, post this in your profile.
If Faxness is one of your obsessions, post this in your profile.
If you think Max and Fang should just get over themselves and get together already, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you love the whole blind, pyro, mutant, baker thing about Iggy, post this in your profile.
If at one time you misspelled or forgot how to spell a word less than four letters, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If keyboards hate you copy and paste this into your profile!
If you've ever threatened your computer, copy and paste this into your profile!
Copy this and paste it on your profile if you've acted out funny lines you've come up with for your characters without noticing it and have received many odd looks/comments.
Copy this and paste it on your profile if you think sarcasm is a conditioned reflex.
If you are the kind of person that gets really excited when you get like, two reviews, copy this into your profile.
If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile.
If there are times when you just wanna annoy people for the heck of it then copy this into your profile.
If you hate those obnoxious snobby people then copy this into your profile.
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE that's weird. If you agree then copy this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile
If you are obsessed with fanfiction copy this into your profile.
If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa, copy and paste this into your profile.
92 percent of American teens would die if Abercrombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this into your profile if you would be in the 8 percent laughing their asses off at the others.
Copy this to your profile if you are a Zutarian! (Written by Zutara-Princess)
If you think about Avatar practically 24/7, copy and paste this into your profile. (Written by Kohroxmysox)
IF YOU ARE AN AVATARD LIKE I AM, COPY AND PASTE THIS INTO YOUR PROFILE.
If odds are you have homework you forgot about or just don't feel like doing right now, copy and paste this into your profile. (Written by Kohroxmysox)
If you hate those irritating mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites copy and past this into your profle.
If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this in your profile.
If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile.
If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think Predators (Yautja) are H-A-W-T, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever cried for ten minutes straight without truly knowing what you were crying about, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever felt so alone and empty and useless that you lost all hope of your future, please copy and paste this into your profile, so I know I'm not alone.
I am the girl that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book. I am the girl that people look through when I say something. I am the girl that spends most of her free time reading, writing, or doing other activities that most teenagers wouldn't call normal. I am the girl that people call weird and a freak either behind my back or to my face. I am the girl that doesn't spend all her time on MySpace, or talking to a girlfriend on a cell phone or regular phone. I am the girl that hasn't been asked out in a year. I am the girl that has stopped to smell the flowers and jump and splash in the rain. BUT I am also the girl who knows and is proud to be who she is, doesn't care if people call her weird (it's a compliment), who loves reading and writing and doing the things that no one seems to have the time to do any more, who loves and is obsessed with Twilight and Gone with the wind, who can express herself better with words than actions, who doesn't need a guy to complete her, and knows the importance of the little things. Copy and paste this onto your account, and add your name to the list, if you are anything like me, so the girls who are different and unique can know in their weakest time that they are unique but not alone: Iheartjake, TeamJacob101, guitarhorselover, teamjacob247, ThatStupidLamb95, Jacob Black. . .Ooft Phitt, DarknessXAnime, Onyx Midnight, SongoftheWolf, FullMoonBallad
Truly stupid things found on other things.
On Sears hairdryer:
On a bag of Fritos:
On a bar of Dial soap:
On some Swann frozen dinners:
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
On Nytol sleep aid:
On a Korean kitchen knife:
On a string of Christmas lights:
On a food processor:
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
On a Swedish chainsaw:
On a child's Superman costume:
10 Commandments of a Teenager
1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
Something to Make You Giggle
"I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock, leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't Paper do this to Scissors? Screw Scissors, why can't Paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because Paper can't beat anybody, a Rock would tear that shit up in two seconds. When I play Rock/ Paper/ Scissors, I always choose Rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their Paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shit, I'm sorry, I thought Paper would protect you, you asshole."
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
I know it sounds like I'm in denial, but I'm not.
If aliens are looking for intelligent life, WHY ARE YOU SCARED?!
The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If ignorance is bliss, I'm the happiest person you'll ever meet.
A conclusion is simply the place where you get tired of thinking.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Everyone has photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When in doubt, mumble.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I'm not overweight, I'm undertall.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
It's not fat, it's potential muscle.
My doctor told me to start my exercise program very gradually. Today I drove past a store that sells sweat pants.
The handle on your recliner does not qualify as an exercise machine.
I'm on a 90-day wonder diet. Thus far, I have lost 45 days.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect to get it back!
A life? Cool! Where do I download one of those?
Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some idiot who desperately deserves it.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
What is the speed of dark?
Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?
Which way does a compass point in space?
35 Things to do when your in Walmart! This is hilarious...
1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.
10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look"
12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
15.Grap alot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go"
16. Pass out bananas to random people and snicker loudly when they take one.
17. Buy 350 cans of tuna and scream "THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT!! YOU HAVE TO PUT SOME BACK!!" when the cashier tells you the price.
18. Walk around looking confused in the CD section and ask people where you can find the CDs.
19. Start a fish-stick fight.
20. Walk up to random people, give them bear hugs, and say very loudly that you missed them and they never really did get that dandruf shampoo you recommended.
21. Jump in a cart and have a friend push you while you scream "The Germans are coming!"
22. Attempt to fly off a high shelf.
23. Run up to an employee and ask "Do you like me?" If they say no, yell out "You broke my heart, you evil monster! I'm telling the manager!" and start throwing canned tomatoes at them. If they say yes just to get you away, pat their shoulder, and say "What a shame because that girl over there" point to a random person "was just about to ask you to dinner."
24. Throw confetti on random people walking into the store.
25. Whisper "I know your 'little' secret" to people in the checkout lines.
26. Stand inside the freezer in the frozen food section.
27. Walk up to employees and whisper "I saw dead people...they want me to take you away...to aisle eight..."
28. Ask the clerk to make a page saying "If there is an Edward in the store, Bella is looking for you at the main info desk". (this works best if you love Twilight, and don't try with Maximum Ride)
29. See how many cans of frosting you can open and thoroughly lick without getting caught.
30. Go to a person with a shopping cart full of merchandise and demand a ride in the basket.
31. Practice your juggling with a few Grade-A eggs.
32. Squeeze the cream-filled doughnuts.
33. Walk into the baby clothes section, pick up a pink baby dress, then throw it down and run away screaming that the pink bunnies of doom came back.
34. Bow to the display of T.Vs in the electronics section.
35. See if you can move the bottom can from the gigantic canned beet pyramid
~~10 Ways To Be S-T-U-P-I-D:
1. Ask For Directions To A Place You're Already At.
What a guy means when he says some stuff-
“Oh, don’t fuss, I just cut myself, it’s not big deal.”
"It would take too long to "
WAYS TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE STILL INSANE
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
Ask your dog if it's comfortable with it's name. Repeat with cat, until people ask if you're alright.
As often as possible, skip rather than walk .
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I WON! I WON!"
While sitting at the dining table, tell your kids, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!!"
Ways To Annoy Your Professors ~ Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN..."
More Random Sayings
Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary.
Shut up voices or I'll poke you with a fork.
Do I have to spell it out for you or scream it in your face?!
I know I'm never going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
We might not make good decisions, but hell, we make good stories.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
So what if we act like immature idiots? We're having fun.
Music is my boyfriend.
Doctors say I have multiple personalities. We disagree with that.
When life gives you lemons, make apple juice, then laugh while people try to figure out what the hell you did.
One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
I'm here because Heaven wouldn't take me, and Hell was afraid I'd take over.
I like you. When I rule the world, your death shall be quick and painless.
If I asked for your opinion, I'd take the tape off your mouth.
I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends.
The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
I'd tell you to go to hell, but I live there and really don't want to see you everyday.
Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas.
Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back. Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!
A wise man once said, "Ask a girl."
Psychology: Mind over matter? Mind under matter? It doesn't matter. Never mind.
When I hear somebody say, "Life is hard," I'm always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
Join The Army. Visit places. Meet cool people... Then kill them...
If all else fails, read the instructions.
There is nothing more depressing than a hollow chocolate bunny.
Yes, I hit like a girl. You could too if you hit a bit harder.
When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
Perfect men are only fictional. (Hopefully I'm not the only one who realizes this.)
I'm not clumsy... The floor just hates me.
Remember this, if someone is bothering you. It takes 40 muscles to frown, but it only takes three to stick up your middle finger and say, "Bite me!"
Fighting is mind over matter. I don't mind, and you don't matter.
Why be difficult, when, with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
Hate is just a special kind of love we give to people who suck.
Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to.
You have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
Chaos, panic, pandemonium. My work here is done.
If you don't like me, there is nothing I can do. Newsflash, Honey, I don't live to please you.
Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
Well, the voices and I took a vote. It's unanimous; you suck.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.
Having one child makes you a parent, having two makes you a referee.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
It is better to stay silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.
Anger is merely depression with enthusiasm.
"Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door."
"Welcome to the Ool. There's no "p" in it, lets keep it that way."
"If you're standing on a toilet, you're high on pot."
"Someday we'll look back at this, laugh nervously, and change the subject."
"Parents spend the first years of our lives teaching us to walk and talk and then during the rest of our lives they tell us to sit down and shut up."
"I am a bomb technician. If you see me running try and keep up!"
"I'm the kind of person your parents warned you about."
"Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright."
"Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED. Apparently you told Santa that you have been good this year...he died laughing."
"They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance?"
"God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made woman." - Adela Rodgers St. Johns
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made the horn louder."
"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." –Bill Watterson
"Always forgive your enemies- nothing annoys them more."
Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
My knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
Boys are like slinkeys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
I ran with scissors, and lived!
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
I'm the kind of person who will burst out laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.
Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
I didn't lie! I just created fiction with my mouth!
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
At the top of the food chain sits chocolate.
Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.
There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train.
In order to lose your mind, you have to have one in the first place.
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
You're a good friend and I love you and all...but if we ever get chased by zombies, I'm totally tripping you.
I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count.
I'm right 90 percent of the time, so why worry about the other 3?
I only have PMS on days that end in the letter "y".
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 muscles to smile, but only 4 muscles to reach out and slap someone.
"It doesn't matter whether the glass is half empty or half full, just drink it and get it over with."
"I'm not afraid of Death. What's he gonna do, kill me?"
Put this in your profile if you know a person or two who needs to get squished by a bus... or Tyler Crowley's van.
"Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together."
"Education is important, school however, is another matter."
"Don’t mess with me - I've got a stick."
"Boys are like purses: cute, full of crap, and always replaceable."
"Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't."
"I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either."
"1 out of every 4 people are insane. Look at your three best friends, if it's not them, it's you."
"Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls."
"Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped."
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
"He Said: I don't know why you wear a bra, you have nothing to put in it.
"Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that."
"I'm the kind of girl who falls and apologizes for it."
If at first you don't succeed...go back and reload the gun.
Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
There are few problems that can’t be solved with high explosives.
"I smile cause I don't know what the hell is going on."
The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
I am a girl
A good friend wipes your tears when you're rejected. A best friend goes up to him and says, "It's because you're gay isn't it?"
A good friend comforts you after your boyfriend dumps you. A best friend calls him up whispering, "Seven days..."
A good friend helps you up when you fall. A best friend keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"
A good friend helps you find your prince. A best friend kidnaps him and brings him to you.
A good friend will ask you if you're okay when you're crying. A best friend will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!"
A good friend will offer you a soda. A best friend will dump theirs on you.
A good friend will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month. A best friend will throw you a tampon and push you in.
A good friend gives you their umbrella in the rain. A best friend takes yours and says, "Run - beep - run!"
A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move the bodies.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, "Damn that was fun! Let's do it again!"
Good friends ask why you're crying. Best friends already have the shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry.
Good friends will help you with your drug problem. Best friends are the ones who sold it to you.
My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marshmallows and flirting with the firemen.
Famous Last Words
Hey, watch this!
Poke it with a stick, see if it's dead.
What could possibly go wrong?
I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
I've got a great idea!
Where'd you put the bomb?
Hey, that looks like fun!
Hold my beer.
I wonder what this does...
Red or blue, red or blue...?
Why's it bubbling?
Guys, you gotta see this!
Things to Do in an Exam you Already Know That You are Going to Fail:
1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.
7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.
20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.
23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.
25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
31. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.
32. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
33. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay, let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E..."
35. Wear a superman outfit under your normal clothes. 30 minutes into the exam, jump up and answer your phone, shouting "What? I'm on my way!!". rip off your outer clothes and run out of the room. strike a pose first for added effect.
38. Bring a giant cockroach into the room and release it on a girl nearby.
40. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
41. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the person next to you as if he/she did it.
44. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.
45. Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.
Top 71 Most Annoying Things To Do In An Elevator
1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
5. Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6. Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8. Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
9. Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
11. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
15. Swat at flies that don't exist.
16. Tell people that you can see their aura.
17. Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.
18. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
20. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".
26. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
27. Put police tape in front of the door before entering.
28. Hold an auction.
29. Do the "potty dance" all the way to the elevator door. Upon arrival, sigh and look greatly relieved.
30. Ask every passenger coming if you can borrow a tampon. Especially effective if victim is male. Even more effective if you yourself are male.
31. Throw a rave.
32. Place potted plants and water fountains at strategic locations in the lift. When people ask what you are doing, tell them you "won't ride an elevator that's not fung shwei."
33. Greet everyone getting on with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".
34. Hum the first six notes of the "It's a small world" over and over again.
35. Have a heated debate with yourself.
36. Bring a melon onto the elevator. Try to sell it to the other passengers.
37. Drum on every available surface.
38. Write a big X on the elevator floor, and hand out "pirate" maps to everyone as they enter.
39. Give psychotherapy to the other passengers.
40. Greet everyone coming on as if they were your best friend. Use the same name for all of them.
41. Say "ring ring," then pull a banana out of your pocket and start talking into it.
42. Propose to the other passengers.
43. Challenge people to duels.
44. Sell girl scout cookies.
45. Bring a large pile of ice. Build an igloo on the floor.
46. Come on looking really scared, and say to another passenger..."I'm kinda nervous...this is my first time flying..."
47. Any time someone enters the doors, recoil in horror.
48. Stick your tongue out. Act like it's a cigarette, and ask someone for a lighter.
49. Pitch a tent on the floor, and "camp out" for the weekend.
50. Play "I've got your nose" with the other passengers.
51. Shout "Food fight!"
52. Every time someone else talks, angrily shout: "Some people are trying to sleep here!"
53. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
54. Lick one of the buttons. Tell the other passengers you're sick and tired of people stealing your food the second you turn your back.
55. Elevators were practically MADE for river dnce!
56. Bring a snowboard onto the elevator. Put it on. Every time the lift goes up or down, shout "WOO-YEAH! This is what I call sick air!"
57. Make sushi.
59. Every time the elevator goes down, loudly scream "OH MY GOD!! We're all gonna die! This is it! This is it! It's over! IT'S OVER!!" Look relieved when it stops moving. When you begin to drop again, repeat.
60. Ask the other passengers if they want to see your glass clown collection.
61. Practice your kung fu.
62. Make race car noises when people get on and off.
63. Ask everyone on the elevator: "Are you my mother?"
64. Fly a model airplane.
65. Do yoga.
66. Play the accordion
67. Enter the elevator with nothing on your head. Individually ask everyone if they like your hat.
68. Bring a rocking chair. Sit and knit.
69. Recite gangsta rap lyrics in monotone.
70. Enter with a shovel, and attempt to "dig for treasure."
71. Read "Green Eggs and Ham" at the top of your lungs. Sound out every word.
OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Just a few ways to respond to annoying men and their ridiculous pick up lines...
Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Man: Can I buy you a drink?
Man: How did you get to be so beautiful?
Man: Your face must turn a few heads.
Man: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
Man: I think I could make you very happy.
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Man: Can I have your name?
Man: Want to see a movie?
Man: Where have you been all my life?
So...You've Made It To The End...Congratulations