Author has written 29 stories for Adam-12, Route 66, Emergency, Twister, Public Enemies, and Gone with the Wind.
New year, time for a new profile! Maybe. Sort of. Meh.
WHY I WRITE: Because the voices in my head tell me to do it. They're the same voices that seem to enjoy earworming me with that absolutely horrible song "Good Morning, Starshine" by Oliver at the worst possible moments. Yeah. You haven't lived until you've been trying to express your sympathy to the relatives of a neighbor who has passed away and instead of your brain coming up with some heartfelt sentiment, it starts singing that "glibby gloop gloopy" chorus. The voices are also particular to the "ooga-chucka-ooga-chucka" portion of Blue Swede's "Hooked On a Feeling". It's strange because I like to think I actually have decent taste in music, but apparently the voices in my head are partial to the worst pop songs ever inflicted upon innocent humanity.
WHO MY MUSE IS: Louie St. Louis, giant guinea pig extraordinaire. He made me put the "extraordinaire" after his name. Otherwise he's pretty ordinary. He also would like me to note that he IS actually a giant guinea pig and NOT a capybara, although I honestly can't say I see any difference. I mean, they both pretty much do nothing but eat, sleep, and poop, sometimes doing all three at the same time, plus they both constantly have that stoner-dude look on their faces. They also like to emit high pitched "Squee! Squee! Squee!" noises when they think they hear food coming, smell food coming, see someone coming with food, think they've heard food coming, dreamed of food coming, have farted and reminded themselves of the food that has come in the past, etc.. Of course, Louie's gotta be different...he likes to eat all the little peg kids in the "Game of Life" board game so that no one who plays it can then have little peg kids to put in their cars. He says it's population control. I think he just likes the taste of little plastic peg kids. I'm also pretty sure he's the one who's eaten several of the houses and hotels in the Monopoly game, along with the little doggie token and the shoe token, not to mention the entire section of crap properties like Baltic Avenue. I try to feed Louie regular doses of Meta-Muse-L to keep him pooping out stories, but I think sometimes he's so full of tokens and little plastic peg kids and houses/hotels and the southern half of the Monopoly board that my fiber offering just doesn't do the trick. Hmm, I wonder if he'd rattle if I shook him...
ABOUT MY STORIES: Save for the oneshots and finished chapter fics, everything else is a work-in-progress. Louie is quirky in that he does not like using anything other than a basic outline of how a story is going to go (reminds him of living in a cage, he says), plus unless I post the chapters as they're finished, he otherwise will NOT MOVE ON to work on the next chapter, he'll continue to return and fuss endlessly over the previous one. He says he's trying to be like Craig Brice as far as anal-retentive nitpickiness, but I think he gets all cozy and warm by nestling into a chapter and never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever letting it go, worried about allowing his preciousssss to go out into that great big world of fanfiction. In a way, it makes sense...guinea pigs are easily frightened by everything from loud noises to new people to the sound of their own farts, so I suspect Louie's afraid of having errant sentences cluttered about and wayward scenes interrupting the flow of the story and characters wandering aimlessly around like lost cattle and THAT'S why it takes us so frickin' long to update a story or post anything new. Never fear, I am trying to figure out how to boot his big furry ass into gear again without either having him poop little peg-kids and Monopoly hotels in my shoes or getting bit for my troubles. I have told him that in regards to the stories, we are adopting the song "Let It Go" from the movie Frozen, although I think he was hoping I'd choose "Mah-Nah-Mah-Nah" instead. (Thank god it wasn't the stupid Oliver song he wanted. I can't take another chorus of glibby-gloop gloopy.) Of course, it goes without saying that sometimes real life and the chronic health issues I deal with on a daily basis can take a toll on my free time and creative energies, so it's not always Louie's fault that the update pace is as slow as two snails having sex.
WHY I LIKE CRAIG BRICE: I was always the kid who bought the stuffed animal with the torn ear or missing eye because even though it was damaged, I thought it still deserved to have someone love it. Over the years, I've also adopted guinea pigs who've had gimpy legs or bad eyes or other issues that rendered them unloveable to normal people. And okay, I know Brice's prickly attitude and slavish devotion to the rules makes everyone dislike him (and truthfully I didn't like him either when I first rewatched the Emergency! eppys he was in), but after I wrote him into the "Angel's Miracle" fic, I began to think there was more to him than met the eye and I was curious to explore what made his character tick. I mean, surely he's not all rules and regulations, he's gotta have SOME redeeming qualities, right? Like maybe he likes to sing "I Fought the Law" in the shower or maybe he never blames his farts on the family pet or maybe he's up for a marathon watching session of all 11 seasons of M*A*S*H on rainy days. So Craig Brice is the gimpy guinea pig or the Misfit Toy or the sad little Christmas tree to my Charlie Brown. No one else wants him, so I'll take him (and I'll feed him and love him and pet him...). And Jim Richardson is actually pretty cute, I've gotten to see him in some of his non-Brice roles and he's nicely adorkable with a cute li'l tushy and pretty eyes. I'd love to be able to track down the one-act play he wrote...he wrote the last two Brice eppys and it'd be interesting to see what kind of a writer he really was outside of Emergency!.
WHY I LIKE PETE MALLOY: Pete's fun to write. He's got the same sarcastic sense of humor I do and hey, the man is sexy, even in the latter seasons when he put on a teensy bit of weight. Actually, a lot of weight. I'm kinda surprised he was able to fit behind the steering wheel of Adam-12 in that last season. But watch Martin Milner as Tod Stiles in Route 66 and day-um, he was HAWT. Or whatever spelling is acceptable for "hot" in today's world.
OTHER FAVORITES: Roy DeSoto (his sad hairline evokes the same emotion in me as the damaged stuffed animals did when I was a kid). Kerr Avon from Blake's 7 (snarky as hell and the ending of that show still blows me away). Bobby Goren on Law & Order: Criminal Intent (no matter how pudgy Vincent D'Onofrio got, Goren was still fascinating to watch). John Sullivan from Third Watch (I think I've got a thing for pudgy guys with sarcastic senses of humor). David Addison from Moonlighting (those eyes and that smirk!). Henry Gondorff and Johnny Hooker from The Sting. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid from the movie of the same name (Paul Newman and Robert Redford were awesome in those two movies). Joilet Jake and Elwood Blues ("Are you the police?" "No ma'am, we're musicians."). Rhett Butler from Gone With the Wind. Indiana Jones and Han Solo (Harrison Ford, 'nuff said). Philip Marlowe, Sam Spade, the Continental Op, Nate Heller (all private eyes from the novels I fell in love with as a teenager). Baxter Slate and Sam Niles from Joseph Wambaugh's novel The Choirboys (they were the two most fucked-up characters from the book, especially Baxter, and again, the ending of the book blew me away). I also love the humor of Mystery Science Theater 3000, it never fails to crack me up.
A LITTLE ABOUT ME: I'm reluctant to really put a lot of personal information out there because I've had a couple of people use those innocently-revealed details to viciously attack me or they've whacked me over the head with them so I would hopefully then conform to their private ideals of how fanfiction should be written. So I'll just share some basics that I'm comfortable with: I've been writing for over 30 years now...I picked it up in junior high as an escape from the merciless bullying of my classmates. I was diagnosed two decades ago with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and daily migraines, and as a result of the daily migraines, I developed an addiction to prescription painkillers that lasted for 15 years. In February of 2009, I had my "hit rock bottom" moment and decided to get help to get off the pills. I'd given up writing in those 15 years, but once I was clean and sober, I remembered how much I enjoyed the art of creating stories, so I began writing fanfiction. I've lived in Iowa all my life and despite the horrible winters, I wouldn't trade it for any other state. I collect old record albums and 45rpms, and I adore guinea pigs (obviously!) and am owned not only by Louie St. Louie, but also a normal-sized guinea pig named Chloe. My pen-name is the nickname of one of my past guinea pigs, but it goes without saying that ALL the guinea pigs I've had have been great at bamboozling me into giving them extra treaties. Firefighting/EMS work and police work have always fascinated me...I wanted to be a crime scene processor with the Iowa Division of Criminal Investigation long before the CSI shows ever aired and was going to college with that in mind, but the CFS put an end to that dream, so now I live vicariously through my characters. Having CFS and daily migraines isn't exactly the life I would've ever chosen for myself, but I've learned that you deal with what God gives you to deal with, figuring out a way to accept it and go on.
Thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed, or favorited my stories, I appreciate it!
My standard disclaimer that applies to all of my stories:
ALL ORIGINAL CONTENT OF THIS STORY IS THE SOLE PROPERTY OF BAMBOOZLEPIG AND MAY NOT BE USED WITHOUT PERMISSION.This story may contain graphic language or other situations readers might find potentially upsetting, therefore reader discretion is advised.* For plot purposes, intentional liberties may be taken with the depiction of any real life protocols and creative license taken with the portrayals of canon elements, including characters.
Additionally, I try to put trigger warnings on sensitive subjects such as suicide. I also never give any of my stories anything but a T or an M rating due to the more mature subject matters I often write about. But otherwise the disclaimer above stands as fair enough warning on everything else and I leave it up to readers to use their own discretion to decide if they want to risk viewing something that they might find offensive, such as violence or the occasional use of the f-word. And since I've had a few people ask me, I should note that I don't do beta/proofreading work for anyone, nor do I co-author with anyone or take story requests...sorry, but I just can't guarantee a fast turnaround due to health and time issues.
The photo I'm using for my avatar was taken by me back in February of 2002. An early morning fire of undetermined origin swept through the heart of the downtown area of my hometown, destroying a 126-year-old building that housed couple of antiques shops and the apartments above them, along with badly damaging the dental office and pharmacy right next door. No one was hurt in the blaze and firefighters fought it in below-zero temperatures for well over 12 hours. We lived about a block south of the fire and the shot currently on my profile was taken from the rear of the burning structure; we'd walked up to see it and I'd grabbed my camera to take some pictures of it. I sometimes swap this picture out with one taken from the front of the structure that has a little more detail of the firefighters at work fighting the blaze.
"Don't ever mistake my silence for ignorance, my calmness for acceptance, or my kindness for weakness." -Anonymous
"Sometimes 'the majority' only means all the fools are on the same side." -Anonymous
"A good story cannot be devised; it has to be distilled. I always regard the first draft as raw material. What seems to be alive in it is what belongs in the story." —Raymond Chandler
"The midnight disease is a kind of emotional insomnia; at every conscious moment its victim—even if he or she writes at dawn, or in the middle of the afternoon—feels like a person lying in a sweltering bedroom, with the window thrown open, looking up at a sky filled with stars and airplanes, listening to the narrative of the rattling blind, an ambulance, a fly trapped in a Coke bottle, while all around him the neighbors soundly sleep." —Michael Chabon, The Wonder Boys, 1995
“The thing about a story is that you dream it as you tell it, hoping that others might then dream along with you, and in this way memory and imagination and language combine to make spirits in the head. There is the illusion of aliveness.” -Tim O'Brien, The Things They Carried, 1990
"My dear, I don't give a damn." —Rhett Butler from Margaret Mitchell's 1936 novel Gone With the Wind
"He felt like somebody had taken the lid off life and let him see the works." —Dashiell Hammett, The Maltese Falcon, 1929
"Nick Yanov stared at the sleeping ducks in the peaceful pond and said, 'They were just policemen. Rather ordinary young guys, I thought. Maybe a little lonelier than some. Maybe they banded together when they were especially lonely. Or scared.' [Yanov] looked up at the brooding darkness, at the tarnished misty moon. There were no stars. Not even the great star could pierce that black sky. Nick Yanov stood where they had put their blankets down, close enough to the water to pretend they were with nature, here in the bowels of the violent city. He felt some light mocking rain, yet longed to stay here in the solitude, while dead leaves scraped at his feet like perishing brown parchment. Then he flipped the cigarette into the pond and heard the hiss and watched it float. He was immediately sorry he did it. Yet there was other debris on the still water and in the bushes if one used the moonlight to look closely. He didn't want to look closely. He preferred to think it was lovely and clean and pastoral here by the silent lagoon and the slumbering ducks in the icy water. Where the choirboys frolicked in the duck shit."—Joseph Wambaugh, The Choirboys, 1975
"Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not Time takes it all, bears it away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again. I think about all of us. Walking our own Green Mile, each in our own time." —Stephen King, The Green Mile, 1996
"You have to dream intentionally. Most people dream a dream when they are asleep. But to be a writer, you have to dream while you are awake, intentionally." —Haruki Murakami
"What one writer can make in the solitude of one room is something no power can easily destroy." —Salman Rushdie
OTHER SITES I AM ON:
(unaltered versions of my stories are posted here, including MA versions)
(unaltered versions of stories also posted here)
(fanfic site for Jack Webb's trio of shows, Dragnet, Adam-12, & Emergency!)
(my blog...haven't updated much on it recently, but will eventually be posting some pictures that will go along with the "Breathe" story)
Fictionpress (essay and opinion pieces posted here, also hope to get some of my poems up on there as well)
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