hide bio
PM . Follow . Favorite
Joined 05-12-09, id: 1932218, Profile Updated: 01-14-15
Author has written 3 stories for Maximum Ride, and Twilight.

Hello I'm Jess I'm a 19 years old. I play piano and am very interested in equality.

I'm at uni and am a feminist.

I'm just a teen who likes to write even though I'm not really that good :/

Anyway I've been off fancfiction for 4 years and I've kept all my old profile below as I like to laugh at my past self

Thanks for visiting my page :D

Hi, I'm Jess.

Age:- 14

Hobbies:- reading writting, drawing painting, watching telly, playing the piano, singing, playing the guitar, medium distance running (800/1500meters),listening to music, hagging out with my friends

Mooooooosique:- Vampire weekend, Hoosiers, Newton Faulkner, KT Tunstel, The Fratellis, Duffy, Killers, Pogues, Zinks, The Who, Zutons, Kaisser cheifs, Kene, Cori Baily Rae, Paul Weller, Katie Mellua, Dr Dog, Laura Marling, Mystery Jets, Arcade fire, Beatles, Kinks, Noah and the Whale, My morning jacket, Gabreilla Climi, Coldplay,the script, buddy holly, The KooKs, Elliot Smith, Regina Spektor

My favourite books:- Harry Potter: Goblet of Fire Deathly Hallows, Maximum Ride:The Angel Experiment, Generation Dead, Chinese Cinderella, Abomination, Of Mice and Men.

STEREOTYPES. so untrue. Bold the ones you relate to

I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.
I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz
I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.
I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.
I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell.
I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I'm ATHEIST so i MUST hate the world.
I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals
I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.
I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.
I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore...
I'm a DANCER, So i must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore
I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut
I'm a PERFECTIONIST so I MUST check everything ten times, then burst into tears at one mistake
I DON’T LIKE to talk about my personal life so I MUST be having problems
I like FIRE so I must be an arsonist
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.
I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.
I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.
I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals
I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a "big one".
I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!!
I'm PRETTY(or so people say), so I MUST not be a virgin.
I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.
I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.
I have Big BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.
I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.
I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and thats how Russians roll.
I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.
I hang out with GAYS, so i must be GAY TOO
I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited
I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13
I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy
I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy
I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas
I'm a STONER so i MUST be going in the wrong direction
I'm a VIRGIN so i MUST be prude
I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so i must be violent.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.. or crazy.
I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.
I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so i MUST be fat.
I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.

I'm a SKATER so i must do weed and steal stuff
I'm a PUNK so i must only wear black and date only other punks
I'm ASIAN so i must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7
I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.
I'm MIXED so i must be screwed up.
I'm MUSLIM so i MUST be a terrorist.
I'm in BAND, so i MUST be a dork.
I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect
I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black
I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil
I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.
I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.
I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon
I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot.
I'm ASIAN GUY, so I MUST have a small penis.
I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay.
I'm PREP, so I MUST be rich.
I don't like the SUN so I MUST be albino.
I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.
I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo.
I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy.
I support GAY RIGHTS, so I MUST fit in with everyone.
I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers, so I MUST smoke and drink too.
I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't.
I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.
I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.
I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.
My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.
I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.
I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs.
I read Comics, so I MUST be a loser.
I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE.. So I MUST be a whore myself.
I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse
I’m a CROSSDRESSER, so I Must be homosexual.
I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak.
I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.
I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.
I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak.
I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.
I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep
I'm a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.

I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend.
I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.
I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare.
I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.
I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.
I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE.
I'm ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER!
I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.
I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.
I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I must be a HOMOPHOBE
I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser
I care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippy

I have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-sue.
I CHAT, I MUST be having cyber sex.
I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins
I'm PAGAN so I MUST worship Satan
I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion
I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian.
I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see.
I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.

I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED.
I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.
I am a WITCH, so I MUST be an OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick.
I love YAOI, so I MUST be GAY.
I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast

I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish
I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE.
I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.
I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean.
I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid.
I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroo’s

I’m GAY so I’m after EVERY straight guy around.
I don’t want a BOYFRIEND so I MUST be Lesbian.
I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting.

I love marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak.
I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.
I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have no clue
I am QUIET and POLITE, so I MUST be a pushover. (only to like teachers and my grandparents)
I use GOOD GRAMMAR, so I MUST be a snob.

I prefer FANTASY and SCI-FI, so I MUST be out of touch with reality.
I love TO LEARN so I MUST be boring.
I'm WHITE, so I MUST be a racist.
I'm a GUY with LONG HAIR, so I MUST be a hippie/druggie.
I'm good with COMPUTERS, so I MUST be a nerd/geek.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST love sports.
I'm NOT RELIGIOUS so I MUST be treated like crap until I pray to your god.
I am a GIRL, so boys MUST be better than me at sports. (but not in football/soccer , I'll give you that)
I am a PUSHOVER, so I MUST have controlling friends
I am a GIRL, so I MUST only be good at housework. (who actually thinks this deserves a punch)
I am not EMO, so I MUST be uncool.
I am WHITE and I like to DANCE, so I MUST be lame
I don't act DEPRESSED, so I MUST be weird.
I am SKINNY, so I MUST be sensitive about my weight.
I am a CHRISTIAN/CATHOLIC/ANGLICAN/PROTESTANT, so I MUST not do anything on Halloween.
I am POOR, so I MUST not have good hygiene.
I am a HOUSEWIFE, so I MUST have no self respect.
I consider myself 'NORMAL', so I MUST be boring.

I am A BOOKWORM, so I MUST be a geek

I am A DREAMER, so I MUST be unrealistic

I HAVE MANY DIFFERENT INTERESTS, so I MUST be unable to commit to one thing

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 81, and find line 4.

...I frowned slightly. 'Did she have a heart murmur...

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, What can you touch?

A hairbrush

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?

Angela Anaconda

4. Without looking, guess what time it is:

Bout 6pm

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?


6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?

My sister shouting "BANG"- I think she's playing cops and robbers or something

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?

I went swimming just a while ago.

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?

the dishwasher- I was unloading it

9. What are you wearing?

Skinny denim jeans, white vest top with blue stripes, green zip up hoddie.

10. Did you dream last night?


11. When did you last laugh?

Just a second ago when I watched GAMER DANGER by Katers17 on youtube

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?

plug socket, radiator, 2 calendars, a mirror, a picture, a shelf

13. Seen anything weird lately?

ummm... I saw that I got a text, I never get texts! oh and a woman using two hiker sticks when walking on a road.

14. What do you think of this quiz?

errrr... It's quiz like..

15. What is the last film you saw?


16.If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?

A laptop (one of those slate ones, they sound and look so awesome)

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know:

I have a ferret

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?

Give everyone the right to be happy.

19. George Bush:

Is a plonker.

20. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?

Lucifer (Luci).

21. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?


22. Would you ever consider living abroad?

no. well unless it's somewhere that speaks the same language, but still probably no


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Good Things Come In Threes-

1. Jess
2. Pickles
3.Jessica Enu

1. Fear itself
2. Mirrors, sometimes
3. false impressions (dolls with creepy eyes)

1. Reading and writting
2. My friends
3. Arty stuff

1. being under pressure
2. Catherine Harwicke
3. my schools' rules

1. My sense of Humour
2. my piano
3. notebook and pen

1. converse
2. denim jeans with holes in the knees after being worn so much
3. plain coloured zip up hoodie

1. Funny personality
2. Nice eyes and smile
3. into similar stuff

1. playing piano
2. Writing
3. running

1. To be taller
2. something to eat
3. something to obsess about

1. Psychologist
2. a Teacher of some-kind
3. Doctor or nurse

1. Northumberland
2. America
3. Ireland

1. go to university
2. go to America, Ireland and Canada
3. have kids


1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and
point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want
fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical
sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot
yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are
going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . . .
e-mail this to someone to make them smile and laugh. Its called therapy

9 Things I Hate About Everyone:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". darn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look last". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Idiots!

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid 12 to come to the cinema and stare at the darn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the heck?? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbie?

Can you Raed Tihs?

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs cpoy and psate it in yuor pofrile


x You love hoodies.
x You love jeans.
x Dogs are better than cats.
x It's hilarious when people get hurt.
x You've played with/against boys on a team.
Shopping is torture.
Sad movies suck.
xYou own/ed an X-Box.
x Played with Hotwheel cars as a kid.
x At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
x You own/ed a DS, PS2 or Sega.
xYou used to be obsessed with Power Rangers or/ and pokemon.
xYou watch sports on TV.
x Gory movies are cool.
xYou go to your dad for advice.
You own/ed like a trillion baseball caps.
You like going to high school football games.
You used to/do collect football/baseball cards.
Baggy pants are cool to wear.
It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
x Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colours.
x You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
xSports are fun.
Talk with food in your mouth.
xSleep with your socks on at night

TOTAL: 15/25


xYou wear lip gloss/chapstick.
xYou love to shop.
xYou wear eyeliner.
You wear the colour pink
xGo to your mom for advice.
xYou consider cheerleading a sport.
You hate wearing the colour black.
x You like hanging out at the mall.
You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
You like wearing jewelry.
Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
xShopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
xYou don't like the movie Star Wars.
xYou were in gymnastics/dance.
xIt takes you around/ more one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up.
You smile a lot more than you should.
You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
You care about what you look like.
You like wearing dresses when you can.
xYou like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.
xYou love the movies.
xUsed to play with dolls as little kid.
xLike putting make-up on someone else for the joy/joke of it.
Like being the star of every thing.

TOTAL: 13/25

One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot one another.
The deaf cop on the beat heard the noise and came and shot the two dead boys.

Homophobia is wrong, it needs to stop full stop.

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.

Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it


A black man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only black man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him.
The white man said, "Coloured people are not allowed here."
The black man turned around and stood up. He then said:
"When I was born I was black,"
"When I grew up I was black,"
"When I'm sick I'm black,"
"When I go in the sun I'm black,"
"When I'm cold I'm black,"
"When I die I'll be black."
"But you sir..."
"When you're born you're pink,"
"When you grow up you're white,"
"When you're sick, you're green,"
"When you go in the sun you turn red,"
"When you're cold you turn blue,"
"And when you die you turn purple."
"And yet you have the nerve to call me coloured"
The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...

"Let's eat grandpa!!"
"Let's eat, grandpa!!"
Punctuation saves lives.

30 fun things to do while driving

1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. While stopped at a light, urinate out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
23. Paint your car with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.


1) When a person in the elevator repeatedly pushes a button (such as "close" or "open") say, "Congratulations, you figured out that if you push the button 20 times, it works quicker"

2) When the elevator doors shut, assuringly say, "It's ok, they will open up again!"

3)Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

4) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

5) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7) Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8) Stare, grinning, at another passenger for awhile, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

9) Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

10) Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

11) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

12) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

14) Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

15) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

16) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

17) Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

18) Put a box on the floor and whenever somebody comes in, say "Do you hear clicking?"

16 Things to do in Walmart

1. Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

3. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

4. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

5. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

6. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

7. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

8. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

9. Walk up to random people, give them bear hugs, and say very loudly that you missed them and they never really did get that dandruff shampoo you recommended.

10. Jump in a cart and have a friend push you while you scream "The Germans are coming!"

11. Attempt to fly off a high shelf.

12. Run up to an employee and ask "Do you like me?" If they say no, yell out "You broke my heart, you evil monster! I'm telling the manager!" and start throwing canned tomatoes at them. If they say yes just to get you away, pat their shoulder, and say "What a shame because that girl over there" point to a random person "was just about to ask you to dinner."

13. Throw confetti on random people walking into the store.

14. Walk into the baby clothes section, pick up a pink baby dress, then throw it down and run away screaming that the pink bunnies of doom came back.

15. Practice your juggling with a few Grade-A eggs.

16. Scream random things that you don't need at the top of your lungs then look around you when you see the manager walkin around.

At age 8, your dad buys you an ice cream. You thanked him by dripping
it all over his lap.

When you were 9 years old, he paid for piano lessons. You thanked him
by never even bothering to practice.

When you were 10 years old he drove you all day, from soccer to
football to one birthday party after another. You thanked him by jumping out
of the car and never looking back.

When you were 11 years old, he took you and your friends to
the movies. You thanked him by asking to sit in a different row.

When you were 12 years old, he warned you not to watch
certain TV shows. You thanked him by waiting until he left the house.

When you were 13, he suggested a haircut that was in fashion.
You thanked him by telling him he had no taste.

When you were 14, he paid for a month away at summer camp.
You thanked him by forgetting to write a single letter.

When you were 15, he came home from work, looking for a hug.
You thanked him by having your bedroom door locked.

When you were 16, he taught you how to drive his car. You
thanked him by taking it every chance you could.

When you were 17, he was expecting an important call. You thanked him
by being on the phone all night.

When you were 18, he cried at your high school graduation. You thanked
him by staying out partying until dawn.

When you were 19, he paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus
carried your bags. You thanked him by saying good-bye outside the dorm
so you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of your friends.

When you were 25, he helped to pay for your wedding, and he told you
how deeply he loved you. You thanked him by moving halfway across the

When you were 50, he fell ill and needed you to take care of him . You
thanked him by reading about the burden parents become to their

And then, one day, he quietly died. And everything you never did came
crashing down like thunder on YOUR HEART.
Never take your dad for granted, you have no idea what you are missing. Love him
and thank him while he's alive.
If you truly love your dad, post this to your profile.

Girls Don't realize these things;

I'm sorry
that I bought you roses
to tell you that I like you

I'm sorry
That I was raised with respect
not to sleep with you when you were drunk

I'm sorry
That my body's not ripped enough
to "satisfy" your wants

I'm sorry
that I open your car door,
and pull out your chair like I was raised

I'm sorry
That I'm not cute enough
to be "your guy"

I'm sorry
That I am actually nice;
not a jerk

I'm sorry
I don't have a huge bank account
to buy you expensive things

I'm sorry
I like to spend quality nights at home
cuddling with you, instead of at a club

I'm sorry
I would rather make love to you then just screw you
like some random guy.

I'm sorry
That I am always the one you need to talk to,
but never good enough to date

I'm sorry
That I always held your hair back when you threw up, and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car,
but when we went out you went home with another guy

I'm sorry
That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere,
but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend

I'm sorry
If I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around

I'm sorry
If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work

I'm sorry
that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.

I'm sorry
If you read this and know somebody like this
but don't care

But most of all

I'm sorry
For not being sorry anymore

I'm sorry
That you can't accept me for who I am

I'm sorry
I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good
enough to make it in your world.

I'm sorry
I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for...

I'm sorry
That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.

I'm sorry
That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your boyfriend was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.

I'm Sorry
That I cared

I'm sorry
that I listen to you at night talking about how you wish you could have done something different.

Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"
Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you.

If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, copy and paste into your profile as 'I'm sorry'

If You're one of the FEW girls with enough BALLS to copy and paste this into your profile, and you would never make your guy feel this way, copy and paste into your profile as 'Girls Don't Realize These Things' I really wish that more guys were like this, and I bet a lot of girls do too.

Sometimes I may forget to say I love you,
but I never forget to feel it.

If I had a penny for every time I fell in love
with someone as amazing as you,
I would have exactly one cent.

Everyone thinks she is so beautiful.
They have no idea that every night she
cries for the one person that doesn't care.

go ahead tell me all your lies
& don't forget to add
that you love me.

it's not about the amount of friends you have
it's about how many you can trust.

you cant change the past
but you can ruin the present
by worrying about the future.

life doesn't hurt until you think about
how much things have changed, who
you've lost along the way, and about
how much
was your fault


the hardest part of a breakup is having to go through your notebooks
scratch out his name a hundred times

and its like theres a fuckin' sign over my heart
that says, "STAB HERE"

as much as I enjoy the concept of being "just friends,"
in reality, it's a bizarre form of torture.

i swear some people;
must live on drama.
'cause some people;
can't go a day without starting it.

those who cry
are stronger than those
who hold their feelings inside.

You don't realize how strong a person is until
you see them at their weakest moment

no one can lie to their heart
no matter how hard you try

it's kind of hard to be with someone,
when deep down you know you're still
in love
with someone else.

You took for granted
all the times
I never let you down.

"Just Friends"
was always a lie between you and me.

i won't blink cause i might miss it
and i've waited way too long
for this.

Many tears
in the heart never reach the eyes...

the past is annoying, showing up in everybody's words, every
song you hear, every block you walk; but you never want to get
rid of it because at one point, it was where you wanted to be

& i'm sorry if you think i'm wrong but you can't
blame me; the boy is gorgeous.

So go open your curtains
the windows
Crank your music up high
Slip on something sexy
And find your true love.

she swears the moon don't hang
quite as high as it used to, & she only
sleeps when it's raining, and she
screams and her voice is straining

your eyes spell out hearbreak,but i don't comprehend, im sinking
deeper into your black hole of sin.

we never thought we'd get so
troubled we could never think that
much. it should never get this bad.

you preach about waiting for love.
well, here it is right in front of you.
& you're going to turn your back on it,
so that makes you a hypocrite.

so talk down to me again,
remind me how pathetic i am,
and how perfect you are.

sometimes i sit and think about
yesterday, of all those simple words
that i didn't even say. i just sit back
and wonder why, everything is just
bought and sold, and why everyone
listens to what they're told.

i hate it when my cell rings
& your name doesn't show
i hate it when i hear our song
it kills me long and slow
i hate the way you stil smile at me
even though she's by your side
i hate the nights when i'm all alone
and all the times i've cried
i hate the way you say my name
or just the way you look
but mostly; i hate the way i'll never hate you.

it's like lighting candles in the rain
sometimes life can be a pain,
but don't give up without a fight.

& i can't stop thinking about what
would have happened if we hadn't
given up on each other...

theres a song blaring in her
headphones, it reminds her
of a boy who used to care.

he asked me if i was alright
i looked at him, speechless
"yeah" i said. then i thought
about it, i looked in his eyes
as minefilled with tears "no".

A shot to kill the pain,
A pill to drain the shame,
A purge to stop the gain,
A cut to break the vein,
A smoke to ease the crave,
A drink to win the game;
an addiction's an addiction
because it always hurts the same

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Maximum Boarding School by LovelyVentures reviews
Max and the gang find themselves on an all new adventure called boarding school. Problems ensue as they face boyfriends, friends,enemies, and roommates they can't stand. Major Fax and other relationships too.
Maximum Ride - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 49 - Words: 87,172 - Reviews: 1286 - Favs: 330 - Follows: 297 - Updated: 8/17/2012 - Published: 8/5/2008 - Max, Fang
Maximum Ride: ReGenesis by writeroses1029 reviews
Max is just your typical, sixteen year old but when she goes to a new school she feels as if she has met some of the students before. Max learns that only the end will give you the answer. R&R!
Maximum Ride - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 48 - Words: 73,306 - Reviews: 654 - Favs: 147 - Follows: 87 - Updated: 9/9/2011 - Published: 4/26/2009 - Max - Complete
Kryptonite by BadaBingxBadaBoom reviews
No wings. Max is a homeless teenage girl living on the streets when a rumble with some guys lands her in a fostor home with six other kids. Now she has to adjust to high school, boys, social mess ups, and still be able to figure out her mystery. Fax
Maximum Ride - Rated: T - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 11 - Words: 31,206 - Reviews: 293 - Favs: 108 - Follows: 149 - Updated: 5/28/2011 - Published: 4/26/2009 - Max
What If I Lay An Egg? by kelseychicago reviews
Well, Max has an unexpected night with Fang, and gets an unexpected suprise, as you can probably guess from the title. I know it's been done before, but it's my first story and I had a hard time thinking of ideas. R&R! New chapter up now! YAY!
Maximum Ride - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 9 - Words: 11,077 - Reviews: 183 - Favs: 71 - Follows: 101 - Updated: 6/27/2010 - Published: 4/4/2009 - Max, Fang
Not So Normal by Magnusdamora reviews
High school wasn't what Max expected by a long shot. Detention, boys, and learning have nothing on what happens next in her dull life. She believes she's losing her mind, but she finds out she's not alone in her fight to save the world. FAX!
Maximum Ride - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 51 - Words: 113,229 - Reviews: 744 - Favs: 201 - Follows: 113 - Updated: 4/24/2010 - Published: 6/17/2009 - Max, Fang - Complete
I Think You're Too Clingy by Fallen Ark Angel reviews
Fang needs to update his blog and Max won't leave him alone. Mang. One-shot
Maximum Ride - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,782 - Reviews: 22 - Favs: 29 - Follows: 5 - Published: 4/16/2010 - [Fang, Max] - Complete
Girls Vs Boys by demrifancy reviews
Max and Fang go to the same school. But they arn't the best friends they are in the books. What happens when Max gets a column in the school paper showing the views of a guy and a girl? Who is this guy? Read to find out!
Maximum Ride - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 6 - Words: 6,247 - Reviews: 68 - Favs: 27 - Follows: 39 - Updated: 11/13/2009 - Published: 8/11/2009 - Fang, Max
Max and Fang's Fanfiction by Books Are A Girl's Best Friend reviews
What would happen if Max and Fang found fanfiction and decided to write one? Read and find out! full summary inside. plz review!
Maximum Ride - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 6,708 - Reviews: 68 - Favs: 19 - Follows: 18 - Updated: 10/19/2009 - Published: 8/30/2009 - Max, Fang
Maximum Ride: Chat Room Chaos by flailingmuse reviews
Chatroom and MSN fun with the Max Ride gang involving: cookies, hyperness, nicknames, Max's cooking, Digimon, lolcats, explosions, FAX, smilies, laptop naming, a little note-passing and MUCH more. Blame any lack of bold on FF dot net, not me, ok?
Maximum Ride - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 22 - Words: 33,544 - Reviews: 187 - Favs: 51 - Follows: 34 - Updated: 8/30/2009 - Published: 11/16/2007
Max, Dead or Alive, Birdgirl orHuman? by FalselyTrue reviews
Max has left the flock and hidden in the one place they'd never look-a submarine under Antarctica, and she's become a scientist named Di Mumixam. When the flock joins her sub's crew, will they find out who Di really is? DISCONTINUED!
Maximum Ride - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 10 - Words: 16,728 - Reviews: 42 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 15 - Updated: 7/18/2009 - Published: 6/19/2009 - Max
With Wings in England by lexadol reviews
The flock heads off to England, to the last Itex Branch. It's the final battle. Journey with a flock as they finally save the world. Adventure, Action, Romance on the way. set after STWAOES.
Maximum Ride - Rated: T - English - Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,866 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Published: 7/1/2009 - Max
Controlled by lookingforthelight reviews
The Flock and Max are seperated by the School. Max's life just keeps going downhill. And soon it will hit rock-bottom.But can she survive and bring it back up again? Some Fax. Bad at summaries. R&R pls. xD!
Maximum Ride - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 469 - Reviews: 31 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 10 - Updated: 6/6/2009 - Published: 5/9/2009
Michelle Batchelder by lookingforthelight reviews
Max's memory was erased and she starts living in a normal life until the Flock finds her in school. Now they have to try and help her to recover her memory. Fax. This is my first story so constructive critisism appreciated. Pls R&R. xD!
Maximum Ride - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,732 - Reviews: 24 - Favs: 10 - Follows: 18 - Updated: 6/5/2009 - Published: 5/7/2009
Maximum Ride, Gone but not Forgotten by Aleria14 reviews
Max dies in Fangs arms after being shot. See how the flock each deal with the terrible loss in their own way and how they learn to move on. Can Fang step up and complete Max's dying wish? Will he be able to keep his family from falling apart? Some FAX!
Maximum Ride - Rated: T - English - Tragedy/Friendship - Chapters: 17 - Words: 35,491 - Reviews: 135 - Favs: 47 - Follows: 22 - Updated: 5/26/2009 - Published: 5/4/2009 - Complete
Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

High school years reviews
In a parallel universe where the school never existed. Well maybe there is one school; high school. A drama packed story where the mysterious pasts of each character will slowly unfold with plenty of surprising turns along the way. I'm really proud of this story so give it a read and constructive criticism is always welcome. Go on give it a go, what have you got to lose?
Maximum Ride - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 11 - Words: 36,201 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 18 - Updated: 11/10/2013 - Published: 7/21/2013 - Max, Fang
Discovery reviews
To uncover the schools secrets Max needs to begin her journey and leave the most important thing in her life. But of course it's never that easy. Her quest will continue, um... that is after she gets her memory back
Maximum Ride - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Suspense - Chapters: 19 - Words: 21,384 - Reviews: 74 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 19 - Updated: 11/13/2009 - Published: 5/17/2009 - Max - Complete
Together forever? reviews
What if Edward didn't come back in New Moon? Would Bella and Edward be happy apart? How would each react if they met again? One-shot, but I'm trying to make it a chapter longer.
Twilight - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 342 - Reviews: 4 - Follows: 1 - Published: 8/17/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete