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Poll: Which picture do you think would best suit Rose Weasley, from the future generation of Harry Potter? Yes, I know their bodies are unnaturally skinny and perfect, so IGNORE that. LOOK AT THEIR FACES ONLY! Vote Now!
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Joined 06-11-09, id: 1966229, Profile Updated: 07-09-11
Author has written 15 stories for Ben 10, and Harry Potter.

Hey! I'm TEAMJakeward101, and this is my profile! But you knew that already.

And well recently, I hadn't been really keeping track of Ben 10 Ultimate Alien...I actually hadn't even watched the first episode 0.0 so...last weekend, I had a little Ben 10 UA Marathon!! I watched all the episodes!! Now I'm a 'lil more updated :)



I almost had a little fan-gasm when they kissed...(fan orgasm)...but it was sooo sweet!! I was grinning ear to romantic...

Well anyways...-continues to sigh happily-

AND OMG...I'm making a list of my top favorite guys in the world. Warning: Hotness overload is imminent!!

And they are not arranged in any particular order, and don't even TRY and make me order them.

Alex Pettyfer:

Please excuse me while I die. omg...hotness overload. I've watched all his movies: Tom Brown's Schooldays, Stormbreaker, Wild Child, Tormented, I am Number four, Beastly...tell me if I'm missing one so I can quote from it too :D But let me continue for ya'll.

Devon Bostick

Hotttt Canadian Actor...Alex was British, Devon's Canadian. lol. Foreign guys are always hotter

Orlando Bloom

Sexy Beast in Pirates of the Caribbean as Will Turner...I think I fell in love with him after watching that, oh, and I fell in love with Captain Jack Sparrow, aka, Johnny Depp at that point too.

Drake Bell

Who hasn't had a crush on him as a kid at one point? And ughh, Bieber totally stole his hair.

Anthony Padilla

Unless you're a Smosh fan like me, you probably haven't heard of this YouTube celebrity, but he's the funniest, down-to-earth guy I've ever seen. He's hilarious and good-hearted, not to mention verryyy sexyy xD but, you need to watch some Smosh, honestly. Search it up on youtube. He's a great hardworking person, who I'm practically in love with

Bradley Cooper

I'm not gonna bother posting a pic.

Because if you don't know him, you fail. Big time.

This hottie stars in both the Hangovers, and he's hot and funny.

Nuff said.

List will be updated as soon as I can remember more people off the top of my head!!! luvv yahh

Okay. I'm too darn lazy to erase all the below crap that I had entered in a long time ago, so I'm just going to put all the other, outdated stuff under a line, which will be obvious to all of you. Everything above that, is what is accurate and recent :)

By the way, I'm writing a new fic right now, and it's in the Harry Potter category. It takes place in the second generation (The Trio's kids, etc), and I'm planning for it to be quite long.

As you may know, I like having a visual representation in my mind of a character before I write him or her, so here are my characters so far (They aren't OCs; There just aren't official actors for them)

--Scorpius Malfoy-- is to be played by Alex Pettyfer (Hottest guy ever)

--Rose Weasley-- is to be played by Louise Cliffe (When she had red hair)

And because of my skillful procrastinating, I haven't gotten any of the others down yet. Poop

I'm also developing my first OC, or Own Character. Her name is Aporia Eris, and she is in the Harry Potter category.

Her bio is here:

About Me:

Name: You can call me anything...honestly...Some call me Jakeward, but that's just kinda awkward, so you can call be by my penname/rapper name/Username on other websites, which is EmKay. Yeah. I kinda copied off Eminem there, using my initials ]

Age: In High School ] -pedos cheer in the background-

Fave Colors: I swear!! When anyone asks me this...I have like NO idea what to fav colors always change...but here are my tops: Silver, Black, meaning behind my choices...but I won't go into detail

Fave Food: Changes often...But I will always love Pizza, Tiramasu, and Fettucine Alfredo

Fave Animal: White Tiger

Fave Show: Ben 10: Alien Force/Ben 10: Ultimate Alien, CSI:NY, Jersey Shore, Friends, etc etc etc.

Fave Music: Everything except hardcore country, and I can't stand hardcore screamo/vulgar rap...mostly the kind of genre that comes on Kiisfm, and also pretty much Rock/Alternative. It just has to have a beat/

Fave Artist:
-pulls up my Facebook account- OKAY. long list here. Paramore, Bruno Mars, Enrique Iglesias, Taylor Swift, Ke$ha, Katy Perry, Michael Jackson, Evanescence, Linkin Park, Breaking Benjamin, Eminem, Lady Gaga

And these are only my favorites. Like, the ones who's albums are all in my iPod. But, I still have a LOTTTT of other artists who I love, so this is by no means a comprehensive list

Fave Characters: Kevin Levin, Draco Malfoy

Favorite Actor, and Favorite Actress: Alex Pettyfer and Emma Watson...Tom Felton is my second fav actor though

Gender: Female, if you haven't guessed already.

Location: USA

I write for Ben 10 and Harry Potter, but I have many HP fics planned that I will soon publish


Ben 10: Gwen/Kevin!!!!! I totally LOVE those sweet together!!

HP: Draco/Hermione. I really don't care about the rest of the characters, as long as it's Dramione.

HP, 2nd generation: Rose/Scorpius. It can't be any other way.

Oh, and I DON'T like Twilight. Username is old.

Any questions? Message me.

And don't forget to vote on that poll up there ;)



0000000000000000000000000000000000THIS IS THE LINE, BTW IF YOU HAVEN'T FIGURED IT OUT000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

For my character actor, I am doing Scorpius Malfoy, and ohmigod. Where has this been all my life?! Some of this pics make Tom Felton look really ugly (no offence Tom :D), but still! The shirtless one makes me drool.

In fact, I am mopping up my puddle right now. Wait, I need more paper towels.

If you want to check it out, here are the links:

But, the voting won't start until later for Scorpius, so just look at these, and keep them in mind.

If you can't help it, message me your Scorpius vote. I gave up on the drool-wiping. I'll just try to keep my house from flooding.


Thanks! I love ya'll. Let me continue...

Here is a cool website


I'm going to keep most of the generic copy-and-paste crap the same, but I am going to add a fic reccommendation section down there, so watch for it!



About me:

Name: Hermione Granger. Seriously.

Actually, everyone on here calls me Jakeward...guess that'll have to do...

Gender: Girl. I promise, I'm not gender confused. I'm female all through. If you want, you can check down there. Actually, don't.

Location: Universe! (Real specific, right?)

Race: Witch...As in the Harry Potter kind...wait, is that a race?

Eyes: SILVER!! Well not really..they are brown...but I'm going to call them silver!

Draco Malfoy: HEY! Don't steal the Malfoy eyes!

Me: Moo. I love them too much!

Skin: Green. Haha, jk. Its actually Creamyish.

Hair: Black

Favorite Movie: Can't decide. I'll just tell you the most recent movie I watched. Salt, and Bounty Hunter, and Date Night (watched them on the same day). LOVED THEM!

Book: Series, pretty much. Like Harry Potter, etc. I also HEART My Sister's Keeper. And I like the House of Night series. Screw it, I'm a total Hermione. I love books. I also love the Divine Comedy by Dante Alighieri (sp?). And Jane Eyre. And...

I'll shut up

TV show: BEN 10 ALIEN FORCE!! GO GWEVIN! Yay! If anyone has a link to the first episode of Ultimate Alien online, tell me

Couples in:

Twilight: Bella/Edward, Jacob/Renesmee, Alice/Jasper, Rosalie/Emmett, Carlisle/Esme, Quil/Claire, Paul/Rachel, Charlie/Sue, Phil/Renee, Sam/Emily, Leah/whoeverthehecksheimprintson, Jared/Kim, and so on and so forth. I like the couples in the book. Oh, Leah/Embry would be cool too, just no JacobLeah

You should read stories by Pink Paramore. Freaking Awesome, to sum it up.

Another good author is TEAMJakeward101. She is REALLY good, just visit her profile.

I bet that took you a while to figure out...:DD

Harry Potter: Harry/Ginny, and DRACO/HERMIONE!!!

Ron is SOO wrong for her!! Smexy Draco is better!

Either way, I hate Ron/Hermione. In fact, if Hermione is with anyone else, I hate it!

I don't care much about Harry and Ginny. Harry can go and bugger Ron for all I care.

Ron/Hermione is just so twisted and wrong...

No offence people...

And I think Tom Felton is HOOOTTTT!!

My friend thinks I am retarded 0.o

Prove to her that I am not by telling me that Tom Felton is HOOOOTTTTTTTTT!!

Here is a link to a Tom Felton pic:

Okay, that is just smexy. Here is another

That honestly makes me drool like hell...

Here is a more Draco Malfoy ish one

--Falls down into my little puddle of drool with my mouth open--

Oh crap, I remember that it was a big swimming pool of drool because of the Scorpius pictures. Crap...I'm screwed...

Wait! I have an idea!

--looks at a picture of Robert Pattinson--

--drool all dries up instantly, and I go to vomit in the sink--

Now that that is taken care of...

Maybe I should just get on with my pairings

Ben 10: Gwen/Kevin Ben/Julie, Helen/Manny, and the other couples in the show

Gwen Kevin is very obvious, and is going to be the pairing. Suck. It. UP. You retarded Bwen and Bevin fans

Cousin incest (Bwen or Ben/Gwen) is just sick and unrealistic. For god's sake, they are cousins!! And to those Bwen fans who consider the series "over" after the original eps: You guys are retarded. IT IS NOT OVER! You are eluding yourself into a false reality.

And gay crap (Bevin or Ben/Kevin) is gross too. They are not gay!

What is wrong with you Bwen and Bevin lovers? I mean seriously, do you have a problem with canon?

And sorry to you Bwen and Bevin people--They will never add it in

I had a question: Is Gwen's mom's name Lily or Natalie? It says lily in the original series but natalie in the Alien Force

Maximum Ride: Ari/Max is my fav, but I don't mind Fang/Max. And the others are the same in the book.And Fang is sexy. I mean, just look at him! But not as sexy as Draco


Draco: I knew it.

Me: Knew what?

Draco: That I am sexier

Me: Have you been watching me?

Draco: Maybe...? Hey, I was bored. What are you doing anyway?

Me: Making a profile.

Draco: What's that?

Me: It's a place where you talk about yourself

Draco: Well, you are really not talking about yourself. You are talking about the whole world. Just to point that out.

Me: Shut up.

Draco: Whatever. I want to say something! I love talking about myself!

Me: Really? We noticed.

Draco: Okay, my name is Draco Malfoy, and I am the sexiest beast on earth. Say hello to the Sex God.

Me: Oh for the love of...

Hermione: Watcha doing?

Me: Making a profile.

Hermione: Oh! Okay! My name is Hermione Jane Granger, and I really love to read. I have brown hair, I have read Hogwarts, a History three thousand, five hundred--

Me: OKAY! That's enough.

Harry: Watcha doing?

Me: Trying to finish my profile

Harry: Okay! My name's Harry James Potter and I love quidditch. (brain fart, forgot spelling) I am--

Me: Great! Now let's move on.

Ron: Watcha doing?

Me: Go away.

Ron: at audience--Ooh! Hi! I'm Ron Weasley, and I--

Me: That's great Ron. Go away now. All of you.

Gwen: Watcha doing? And who are all those people

Me: Making a profile. And those guys are dorks from Harry Potter

Draco: Hey! I'm a Sex God, not a dork!

Gwen: Ooohhh, can I help?

Me: No.

Gwen: Okay, my name is Gwendolyn Tennyson, I love Karate and school, and I fight aliens on a daily basis. I have red long hair, green eyes, and a nice toned body. I love Kevin Levin--

Kevin: Really?

Me: No duh. You guys have been drooling over eachother since you met! Now shoo!

Ben and Julie: Watcha doing!

Me: Trying to make a mother-fucking profile!

Ben: Can We help?

Me: No.

Ben: I am a 15 year old teen, who had brown hair and green eyes. Gwen is my cousin. And I love Julie.

Julie: I am a 15 year old teen, who has short black hair and brown eyes. I love Ben.

Gwen: Kevin? -cough- Are you going to say anything? -pointed look-

Kevin: Fine. I am 16, have black hair and eyes, am good at cars, and love Gwen, and hate you. Happy?

Me: Yes, I'm thrilled. Now all of you, get the hell out of here.


--dramatic drumroll--

And I can't think of anyother things!


Oh yea, contact me if you want to talk.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal
pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas toghuht slpeling
was ipmorantt! tahts so cool!

If you could understand that...C&P THIS 2 YO PROFILE!

I understand how scissors can beat paper, and I get how a rock can beat scissors, but there is no fucking way paper can beat rock. Is paper supposed to magically wrap around rock and leave it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody. A rock would tear that shit up in two seconds. When I play rock paper scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shit I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect. Asshole.

Sorry for the language, but I HEARTED that

And I found this question thingy:

1) Are you in a relationship with somebody? Pshh...I wish, But i am still a teen

2) Do you hate more than 3 people? Nahh

3) How many houses have you lived in? Idk--do hotels count?

4) Favorite candy bar? Can never decide! I gotta say Twix though.

5) Favorite shoes? CONVERSE.

6) Have you ever tripped someone? Duhh

7) Least favorite school subject? Math

9) Do you own a Britney Spears CD? No way in hell, man!

10) Have you ever thrown up in public? Only at home

11) Name one thing that is always on your mind. Thoughts ]

12) Favorite genre of music? Rock? Pop? Gah, I don't care. It just has to have a good fast beat. NO COUNTRY.

13) What is your zodiac sign? Virgo

14) What time were you born? 11:59 pm

15) Do you like beer? Nope

16) Ever made a prank phone call? Duh!

17) What is the most embarrassing CD you own? Not gonna say

18) Are you sarcastic? No, really? ;]

19) What are your favorite colors? Blue, black, red, green, i dunno

20) How many watches do you own? What's a watch? Oh, that primitive device?

21) Summer or winter? Summer. Winter's too cold. And my birthday's during summer.

23) Favorite color to wear? blue!!

24) Pepsi or Sprite? Sprite, but I hate soda everyone gives me weird looks

25) What color is your PED(portable electronic device)? Black with a bit of red. Lol twilight colors

26) Where is your second home? Don't have one.

27) Have you ever slapped someone? Hehe, about that...

28) Have you ever had a cavity? Not yet

29) How many lamps are in your bedroom? 1

30) How many video games do you own? I seriously have no idea.

31) What was your first pet? Sniffles. I wish

32) Ever had braces? Not yet!

33) Do looks matter? No. I believe in wearing what you like and what you feel comfortable in. Bull crap, what a lie. I try to dress cool.

34) Do you use chapstick? Only when I need too

35) Name 3 teachers from your Elementary School. Any way, Mrs. Lane, Mrs. Vanmeter, and Mr. Martich

36) American Eagle or Abercombie? Can't choose!!

37) Are you too forgiving? Unfortunatly

38) How many children do you want? As many as my husband wants. (If dad doesn't kill him first or locks me in a convent. LOL)

39) Do you own something from Hot Topic? Twilight stuff

40) Favorite breakfast meal? Cereal

41) Do you own a gun? No duh! That's what I use on people who annoy me!!

42) Ever thought you were in love?TOTALLY TAYLOR LAUTNER!!

43) When was the last time you cried? Can't remember--Im not a crier

44) What did you do 3 nights ago? Fanfiction...stalkers...

45) Olive Garden? La Panera? OLIVE GARDEN!!

46) Have you ever called your teacher mommy? Nope!

47) Have you ever been in a castle? In my dreams

48) Nicknames? None...:((

49) Do you know anyone named Bertha? Nope. I mean, come on. Bertha. Seriously?

50) Ever been to Kentucky? Nope

51) Do you own something from Banana Republic? Totally! Not really...

52) Are you thinking about somebody right now? Telemarketers and how to piss them off

53) Have you ever called someone Boo? Nope

55) Do you own a diamond ring? young to have one, but it was a gift from grandma

56) Are you happy with your life right now? No

57) Do you dye your hair? No...

58) Does anyone like you? The whole world! And according to one of my friends, a kid in my school

59) What year were you born? 1901. Then I 'died' cuz of the Spanish Influenza in Chicago in 1918 with Edward Cullen

60) Do you own a Backstreet Boys CD? Nope

62) McDonalds or Wendys? Mcdonalds

63) Do you like yourself? Pizza

64) Are you closer to your mother or father? Mother

65) Favorite physical feature of the preferred sex? Hes gotta be slightly tan, have dark hair, and has to be hot

66) Are you afraid of the dark? Na...

67) Have you ever eaten paste? Nope

68) Do you own a webcam? Yes. It's built in my laptop

69) Have you ever stripped? No...ew...

70) Ever broke a bone? Yep

72) Do you chat on AIM often? I don't have an AIM account.

73) Pringles or Lays? Pringles

74) Did you notice there was no '61'? Hehe...Just noticed

74) Did you scroll back up to see? Lolz...

74) Have you ever broken someone's heart? No

75) Rugrats or Doug? Rugrats

76) Full House or The Brady Bunch? The Brady Bunch

77) Did you like your high school guidance counselor? NO!

78) Has anyone ever called you fat? No, they call me too thin

79) Do you have a birth mark? Nope

80) Do you own a car? Wish

80) Did you notice there were three '74's'? And did you scroll back up to look? Honestly, this thing makes me feel retarded

81) Can you cook? Totally!

82) 3 things that annoy you:

1. Bwen and Bevin fics

2. School

3. World

83) Do you text message often? Sometimes

84) Money or love? Love

85) Do you have any scars? Dunno

86) What do you want more than anything right now? A laptop, a iphone, a dog, Mr. McDuffie to make Gwen and Kevin kiss...unlimited list

87) Do you enjoy scary movies? TOTALYY!!

88) Relationships or one night stands? Relationship, a real one. Unless the one night stand is good :D Jk

89) Big Red or Juicy Fruit? Juicy Fruit

90) Do you enjoy greasy food? Uh...unless it is chips or something

91) Have you seen all the Rocky movies? Never heard of them

92) Do you own a box of crayons? No, but my bro does

94) Who was the last person that said they loved you? one loves me ;( JK

95) Who was the last person that made you mad? My mom

96) Who was the last person that made you cry? No one

97) Who was the last person that made you laugh? Mum

98) Who was the last person that you fell for? Not telling you xD

99) Who was the last person that instant messaged you? My friend

100) Who was the last person that called you? Mum


101) Name one thing you want to stop. Bwen and Bevin

102) What's your dream holiday destination? Germany

103) Who's you celebrity crush? TAYLOR LAUTNER!!

104) What's your favourite video game? DUNNO

105) What's your favourite song right now? Ignorance" By Paramore I LOVE PARAMORE!!

A Twilight Survey

Which book in the series is your favorite? Eclipse

How long did it take you to read the books? 1 hour all of them

Who introduced you to the books? School

Did you buy them, borrow them, or have them given to you as a gift? Borrowed everything except for Twilight

Are you most looking forward to: Midnight Sun, or the movie? ECLIPSE!! TAYLOR LAUTNER!!

What's your dream ending to the series? I like the real one


Who is your favorite character? Girl: Alice Boy: Jake

Who's your favorite vampire? Alice

Who is your favorite werewolf? Jake

What's one of your favorite quotes from the stories? Life is hard and then you die. Yea, if I should be that lucky... --Jacob- Breaking Dawn

What was your favorite Bella and Edward moment? tHE TENT PART!! Lol, all the sexual tension...:D

What was your favorite Bella and Jacob moment? When she punched him. ;D, and mostly the TENT scene in eclipse, and in the movie it was "What a marshmellow" by Jake :LOL

How about your favorite Bella and Alice moment? 'Maybe we should slap her!'-book, "When you put the dog out" oohhh movie :D

What was your favorite adventure/battle? The Volturi one in the movie cuz Eddie got pwned

Which book cover was your favorite? 'New Moon'

Are these books among your favorite books of all? Eclipse

This or That?

Twilight or New Moon? Twilight

New Moon or Eclipse? Eclipse

Eclipse or Twilight? Eclipse

Are you more excited about the movie or Midnight Sun? Is this thing retarded? MOVIE!!

Who do you want to see Bella with most: Edward or Jacob? Eddie, the machostic lion

Who do you like more:

Bella or Edward? Bella

Bella or Jacob? Jake

Bella or Alice? Alice

Alice or Jacob? GAH, way too hard...but if I had to be one of their kind, it would be Alice

Rosalie or Alice? Alice

Jasper or Alice? Alice

Jasper or Edward? Eddie

Carlisle or Esme? Carlisle

Emmett or Jasper? Jazz

Emmett or Jacob? Jacob

Bella or Rosalie? Rose

Esme or Charlie? Esme

Charlie or Carlisle? Carlisle

Charlie or Billy? Billy

Jacob or Sam? Jacob

Sam or Quil? Quil

Quil or Embry? Embry "I guess the wolf's out of the bag!"

Who's the better villain: James or Victoria? Victoria, cuz she had cool hair

Werewolves or Vampires? vampires

¨°º¤ø„¸Twilight Series¸„ø¤º°¨
¸„ø¤º°¨Team Jakeward °º¤ø„¸

1. Write the name of a person of the opposite gender. I always think of annoying people first, so A.R.
2. Which is the best: red, black, green, blue, or yellow? blue
3. Your first initial? M
4. Your month of birth? august
5. Which is cooler, black or white? black
6. Name a person of your same gender. Shmee
7. What's your favorite number? 7
8. Do you like California or Florida more? California! LA!! Lol, inside joke :D
9. Which is prettier, lakes or oceans? Lakes
10. What is your wish? For a certain someone to like me :D (Taylor Lautner)

1. You are in love with this person. EWWWW
2. If you chose:
Red: You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black: You are conservative and aggressive.
Blue: You are spontaneous and enjoy kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Green: Your soul is laid back and you are reserved.
Yellow: You are a happy person and give good advice for those who are down.
3. If your initial is:
A-K: You have lots of love and friendship in your life.
L-R: You try to enjoy life to the maximum and your love life will soon blossom.
S-Z: You are a good friend and your future love life look very good.
4. If you were born in:
Jan.-Mar.: This year will go well for you and very soon you will fall in love with someone you would have least expected.
Apr.-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.
July-Sept.: You will have a good year and experience a major life changing experience for the good.
Oct.-Dec.: Your love life will not be too great, but you will eventually find your soulmate.
5. If you chose:
Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will like the change.
White: You will have a friend who completley confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
6. This person is your best friend.
7. This is how many close friends you will have in a lifetime.
8. If you chose:
California: You love adventure.
Florida: You are a laid back person.
9. If you chose:
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your love. You are reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
10. This wish will come true only if you RE-POST THIS BULLETIN in one hour and it will become true before your next birthday. (
Sure it will)

Write 11 of your fave Twilight characters in whatever order and follow the instructions below:

1. Edward

2. Alice

3. Bella

4. Jacob

5. Rosalie

6. Jasper

7. Leah

8. Jane

9. James

10. Victoria

11. Emmett

1) Have you ever read a Six/Eleven fanfic before? Jasper and Emmett? Eww...

2) Do you think Four is hot? How hot? PHEW! SMOKING HOT!!

3) What would happen if Eleven got Eight pregnant? All I know is that Rose would be pissed.

4) Do you recall any fics about Nine? Yes.

5) Would Two and Six make a good couple? They are

6) Five/Nine or Five/Ten? Ew...gross, but since i have to choose 5/10 :D

7) What would happen if Seven walked in on Two and One in an awkward situation? Oooohhh...poor Edward and Alice

8) Make up a summary of a Three/Ten Fanfic Using at least twenty words. Bella always hated Victoria for causing so much trouble. Then what if Victoria comes back with an army full of dominating bunnies and cows in choppers to kill Bella? Rated M for Bunny/Cow/Bella action :D
9) Is there any such thing as a One/Eight fluff? If they didnt kill eachother first

10) Suggest a title for a Seven/Ten Hurt/Comfort fic. Domination--Go werewolves

11) What kind of plot would you use if you wanted Four to go out with One? PUKE

12) Does anyone on your friends list read Three slash? I don’t think so.

13) Does anyone on your friends list write or draw Eleven? Draw

14) Would anyone on your friends list write Two/Four/Five? No.

15) What might ten scream at a moment of great passion? " DIE CULLENS!!"

16) If you wrote a song-fic about Eight, what song would you choose? Dunno

17) If you wrote a One/Six/Ten fic, what would the warning be? WARNING: Absurdly weird

18) What might be a good pick-up line for Ten to use on Two? "Would you like to die?"

If you hate Mike and you're not afraid to say it, paste this into your profile.

If you hear the voice of Jasper in your head, put this onto your profile.

If you think that Jasper absolutely ROCKS, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you're constantly thinking, "What would Emmett do?", then copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you've ever acted like a paranoid fool because you believe (or wish) that the Jasper exists, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you've started having dreams featuring Jasper, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you think swearing is bad, paste this on your profile.

If you wanna push Alice off a cliff holding a baby vampire-with the Volturi at the bottom, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you have ever gotten so completely sidetracked in a conversation that you don't remember why you were talking in the first place, copy this into your profile.

If you're a CHOCAHOLIC then copy and paste this!!

1F Y0U C4N UND3R574ND 7H15 M355463 C0PY 17 4ND P4573 17 1N70 Y0UR PR0F1L3.

If you do have a problem with homosexuality, but have no prob with X rated homosexuality, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.

Too many people have died because of other's need of fame and fortune. If you care, post this on your profile.

If you are someone who begs to differ from the crowd, copy this and paste it into your profile.

If you have an exceedingly long profile because of copy/paste items, copy this into your profile to make it even longer.

If you think like Albert Einstein and agree that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you are the complete opposite of normal, copy this into your profile.

If you enjoy copying and pasting these copy and paste thingys, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile. is more stuff that I copied from people's profiles:

Sorry if half of it has been repeated before

A stranger stabs you in the front

A friend stabs you in the back

A boyfriend stabs your heart

Best Friends only poke each other with straws

If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile..

If you are absolutely in love with Stephenie Meyer's fictional character Edward, from twilight, copy and paste this into your profile

If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile

If you look around and ask: "Where?", when someone says 'Edward', copy and paste that in

If you throw a fit when someone says the Twilight characters aren't real, copy this into your profile.

-If you've ever spent numerous hours looking for stuff that remind you of any of the Cullens/Swans, copy and and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever had a crush on a fictional character, copy and paste this on your profile

If you plan to name your kids Alice, Jasper, Edward, Bella, Rosalie, or Emmett copy and paste this into your profile.

If when you have a girl, you'd consider naming her Isabella, copy this into your profile.

If when you have a boy, you'd consider naming them Edward or Anthony, copy this into your profile!

If you have AACIBD put this in your profile! (Addicted to All the Cullen's Including Bella Disorder!)

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile.

If you are counting the days until the Twilight movie comes out copy and paste this into your profile.

If you sometimes forget to breathe while reading Twilight, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have music in your soul, post this in your profile!

If you have ever run into a tree, copy this to your profile!

If you are addicted to vampires and would like to become one, post this onto your profile.

If you've ever been standing straight up and suddenly fell down for no apparent reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever walked into a wall before copy this into your profile.

If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile

If you or your best friend is insane copy and paste this onto your profile

If you ever wondered who made up all the 'copy this into your profile' thingies then COPY THIS INTO YOUR PROFILE!

If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this one your profile.

If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever said something that has nothing to do with the current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile.

If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.

If you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.

If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile

If at one time you misspelled or forgot how to spell a word less than four letters, copy and paste this onto your profile

Chocolate chip cookies are the best!! If you agree, copy and paste this into your profile!!

If you've ever walked into a doorway that you could've clearly dodged, you just weren't paying close enough attention, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you ever ran into a parked car, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy this into your profile.

If you love to copy and paste things, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think Stephenie Meyer is one of the best writers in existence, copy this into your profile.

If you think that the Twilight series will rule the universe, copy this into your profile.

If you think that Bella and Edward were meant to be together, copy this into your profile!

If you know you have an unhealthy obsession with any or all of the Cullens, but you don't really care because you don't want to heal quite frankly, post this. (I admit it, I'm overly obsessed, but I don't care!)

If whenever you see or hear the name 'Edward' you freak out and have a small fit because you love him so much and then people stare at you and tell you to shut up and let it go, post this.

If you have Twilight/New Moon/ Eclipse/Breaking Dawn memorized, post this.

If you think Mike Newton should be run over by a bus copy and paste this into your profile

If you think that bus should also take out Eric copy and paste this into your profile

If you are Twilight obsessed, copy and paste this into your profile

If you have ever called a boy Edward and screamed and gave them a lecture about how they could never be Edward, copy and paste this into your profile

If you think Jessica can be annoying paste this into your profile

If you LOVE Dakota Fanning playing Jane in New Moon, copy and paste this ito your profile

If you think Jessica and Mike belong together because they're both annoying and stupid, paste this into your profile

If you have weeped, shed a tear, or felt like crying throughout the week of Michael Jacksons death, copy and paste this into your profile

If you downloaded all of Michael Jacksons best songs in his memory and listened to all of them, copy and paste this into your profile

If you have realized after his death that you will love Michael Jackson no matter what bad things he has done and he will always be the king, copy and paste this into your profile

If you've ever done homework, were reading a story on fanfiction, were writing a story for fanfiction, were talking to a friend, and were watching TV at the same time, copy and paste this into your profile

If you support the ‘Make Edward change Bella into a vampire’ club, copy this into your profile.

If you are so obsessed with Twilight that it is NOT even funny anymore, copy this into your profile.

If you think that being unique is cooler than being cool, copy this on your profile.

If people think you are mentally insane...copy and paste this onto your profile.


1.) Do not use an axe to kill a fly on your friends' head.

2.) Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

3.) When other little girls wanted to be ballerinas, I kinda wanted to be a VAMPIRE.

4.) Vampires vs. Werewolves...It's kinda like pirates vs ninjas, but cooler

5.) Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

6.) Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in 'mother in law', they come out to 'Woman Hitler'?

7.) If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from?

8.) "Wal-Mart, do they like, sell walls there?" - Paris Hilton

9.) "Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried to slam a revolving door,"- Unknown

10.) “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” – Unknown

11.) “Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.” – Unknown

12.) “He who laughs last didn't get it.” – Unknown

13.) Firefighter: At one point we decided to fight fire with fire... Well...basically... your house burned even faster.

14.) Oh god! They took my freaking kidney!

15.) When I was younger, my parents encouraged me to walk and talk. Now, all they want me to do is sit down and shut up!

16.) I ran into my ex the other day, then I put the car in reverse and ran over him again.

17.) There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count.

18.) Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and slap that jerk upside the head

19.) "Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing. But they still really bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs."

20.) Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family so it must be one of them. Either it's my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Collin. Or my other brother Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it's Collin.

21.) Friends will always be like "well you deserve better" but best friends will be prank calling him saying "you will die in seven days"

22.) You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

23.) They say guns don't kill people, people kill people, but honestly i think guns have something to do with it because if someone just stood there and said "bang," i don't think many people would be dead...

24.) I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes.

25.) Everyone has a wild side-me and my friends just prefer to make them public

26.) Guns don't kill people. I do.

27.) A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.

28.) He who stands on a windowsill to see how far out he can lean without falling is a moron.

29.) My imaginary friend doesn't like you either.

30.) flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

31.) Taste the rainbow- Eat CRAYONS

32.) The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

33.) The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45.

34.) Assassinations is an extreme form of censorship.

35.) You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

36.) I'll be rich and famous when I invent something that will stab people over the internet

37.) I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.

38.) I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh the fun I will have

39.) Somebody needs a Happy Meal.

40.) Did you just call me a bch? Because a bch is a dog. Dogs bark. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. And nature is beautiful. I know I'm beautiful! Thanks for the complement.

41.) So, you're a cannibal.

42.) Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED Apparently you told Santa that you have been good this year...he died laughing.

43.) AV is Addicted to Vampires

44.) There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird.

45.) 'It's always in the last place you look' Well DUR! Because you stop looking after you find it! HELLO!

46.) I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you.

47.) Although, chainsaw beats scissors, paper, AND rock!

48.) I am going to put an end to my procrastination problem. . . Tomorrow

49.) Shut up voices! Or I'll poke you with a Q-tip again

50.) To put it nicely, I hope you choke

51.) It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn

52.) I'm not insensitive, I just don't care

53.) If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can't fix it, you have a serious problem.

54.) The evil gnomes poked me in the bum wit a stick.

55.) Would you like a cookie? So would I.

56.) You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

57.) Well the voices and I took a vote. It's unanimous; you suck.

58.) A day without sunshine is like... night.

59.) A rejected invention:Instant water! just add water!

60.) Don't ever attempt a staring contest with a brick wall, they cheat a lot

61.) Don't make me mad...I'm known to bite at random!!

62.) Don't walk in my footsteps. I walk into walls.

63.) I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect!

64.) I do what cheerios tell me.

65.) I put the 'fun' in 'dysfunctional'.

66.) I'm hearing voices in my head and they don't like you! (haha just like Edward Cullen!! )

67.) I'm knocking on heavens door.. voice in back round: Knocking? You very nearly broke the bloody thing down!! me: That wasnt my fault!! It was poor constrution... I SWEAR!! Dont look at me like that...

68.) If you wish on a falling star it might come true... Unless it's a meteor hurdling to earth... Then no wishes come true... Unless your wish was to be killed a meteor hurdling to earth.

69.) My Braces Are Stuck To The Carpet...

70.) Someday my prince will come he just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is to stubborn to ask for directions.

71.) Emmett's the strongest, Edward's the fastest, But Jasper can sit alone in a corner and still make people jealous.

72.) there's this thing called retarded-ness and me and my freinds, well...We've gone pro.

Girl: Slow down, I'm scared!

Guy: No, this is fun.

Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: I love you, you know that, now slow down!

Guy: Now give me a big hug.

She gives him a big hug

Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me.

In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his break wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she would live even if he died. Copy this onto your profile if you would do the same thing for someone you love

Sniffles. That was sad.

For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you what you are doing that is so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour-long sob fest, and then start singing and dancing when your favorite song comes on. Crazy is when you do or say a completely random thing, like "Do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or having a thumbwar with yourself. Crazy is when you type up all your favorite sayings, print them off and tape them to your wall, just for something to do. Crazy is when you memorize the complete biographies and physical traits of every character in Twilight (or almost, at least). Crazy is when you write Emmett or Edward Cullen is hot on your homework insted of doing it. Crazy is when you draw Edward's face and hot bod all over your Advanced Placement United States History notes when you should be concentrating on the APUSH final the next day.Crazy is when you run into a pole and say as your excuse you were daydreaming about your fictionl boyfriend Edward. Crazy is screaming everytime you hear the name Edward because you think Jacob is 10 times better. HAHA! -laughs at Edward fangirls- --That's Crazy, too. Crazy is when you're not paying attention when the teacher is rambling and you think of something funny from the other day that you don't realize is funny til that moment and you burst into hysterical laughter and the entire class turns around and stares at you and you look the other way and pretend you don't notice. Crazy is when you star in your own movie and pretend to be an assassin... multiple times. Crazy is when you scream for no reason or sing nursery rymes. Crazy is when you hear the Twilight Characters voices in your head.Crazy is when you've spent more than four hours on the computer looking up twilight. Crazy is when you laugh about how Edward Cullen thinks Bella is DEAD in New Moon, even though it's a very serious matter, and your sister hears you and asks why you're laughing so loud and you tell her and she just cries about it because she thinks it's sad. Crazy is when you head bang to a slow song, or become obsessed with the song "Let it Die" by Three Days Grace because it reminds you of Edward Cullen for some odd reason. Crazy is naming your winter jacket Mr. Puffy and your best friend naming hers Mrs. Puffy and letting them marry for the winter. Crazy is when you are taking a math test and go over on ur scrap sheet of paper to work out the problem, and start drawing spirals until the teacher goes five minutes left! Crazy is having a major argument with your friend...and i mean major...its still going on and it has already been a year...about which one is better: pudding or jello. Then at the end of the winter, they both retire and divorce each other. Crazy is when you argue with your friends at lunch with who you would rather date, Edward Cullen or Jacob Black. Crazy is not sleeping 3 nights in a row because you stayed up reading fanfiction and then jumping in bed at 7:00 am when you’re mom comes to wake you up so you can get ready to go to work with her, where there is a computer where you continue to read fanfiction. Crazy is laughing your ass off while you’re supposed to be giving a report on Pluto and then being threatened by you teacher that she will fail you if you don’t stop cackling like an idiotic hyena. Wrote a fanfiction (for your own amusement) about Edward Cullen falling in love with a turtle who loves a monkey, but Emmett loves the monkey and threatens to squish the turtle which makes Edward go all PMSy! Crazy is freaking out because you saw a silver volvo and tripped on the sidewalk laughing like a (twilight) maniac.Crazy is when you start laughing until you butt falls off for no apparent reason and your mom comes in the room and goes like, "What the hell is going on?" Crazy is if you suddenly yell, 'PARTY IN MY TUMMY!' and everyone stares at you in Pre-Algebra class.Crazy is having an argument with your best friend about who gets to date Edward Cullen.Crazy is when you compare everything anf everyone to Twilight.Crazy is when you and your friends are planning to row a big cardboard box with a picture of a yellow porsche on the side to italy to kidnap RPatz so that you could all go and stalk Ashley Greene(in your porsche box).If you're crazy, copy this onto your profile and add something crazy you've done to the list!

Twilight 10 commandments

(Got this from the Sneaky Hobo, but I also changed a few stuff)

1. I am the best book out there, you shall have no better ones than I.

2. You shall not take Edward Cullen's name in vain.

3. Remember to keep release dates calendared.

4. Honor the Cullen's for gracing you with their presence.

5. You shall not kill humans or shape-shifting wolves.

6. You shall not love both Edward and Jacob equally.

7. You shall not steal Twilight books from your friends to see how they will react when they can't read them anymore.

8. You shall not lie, for Edward will know that you did anyways.

9. You shall not covet Edward.

10. You shall not covet Edward's Volvo, or various Cullen cars.

My Favorite Insults (use at your own risk)

Everyone is entitled to being stupid, but you just abuse the privilege.

I would say "screw you" but I think to many people already did.

I am really trying to imagine you with a personality. Oops, I can't.

Not the brightest crayon in the box, now, are we?

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Your a couple of fries short of a Happy Meal.

You just won't leave me alone, will you? You know, people like you are the reason why people like me need medication.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Oh, I'm so sorry! I forgot that you're an idiot!

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

You were born a loser

And I was made to RULE!!

List 5 reasons why I shouldn't talk to you. And then read them over and over.

If stupidity was a crime, you'd get the electric chair.

if you think I should shut up and wright more fanfic slap me and say Hell yes, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer.

If you've ever done anything incredibly stupid for no apparent reason, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you think that writing Fanfic stories is fun then copy this onto your profile!

If you agree with Bella that life without Edward is useless then copy this to your profile

If you think that TWILGHT is the best book known to woman (and man)...copy and paste this onto your profile

If you went to sleep at around 2 am reading Twilight and/or New Moon, copy and paste this onto your profile.

My best friend is insane, if you agree or if you have an insane friend then copy this to your profile

If you are absolutly in love with Stephenie Meyer's fictional charater Edward, from twilight, copy and paste this into your profile

If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.

If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.

If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile.

If you are addicted to vampires and would like to become one, post this onto your profile

If you think Edward Cullen is hot...copy and paste this onto your profile

If you've ever tried to lick your elbow and knew that it was physically impossible, copy this to your profile

If you know someone who should get runIf whenever you see or hear the name "Edward" or "Emmett" or "Jasper" you freak out and have a small fit because you love them/ him so much, and then people stare at you, copy and paste this into your profile over by a bus, copy this into your profile

Milk tastes good. People call me crazy, but I'm just random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile!

If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile

Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Yavie Aelinel, Crazy Billie Joe Loving Freak, Shadow929,SweetNCrazieSugarmuffin,The Komodo Dragon Phoenix,Bust_A_Groover, Tecna, Triggonseed, The Only Innocent Writer Here-Yumi, EstellaB, NarnianMelody, tookieclothespen, bellabookworm9, GoodyGoody23, EdwardIsMyLover, xAllyCullenx,

If you don't watch Laguna Beach or the O.C. or The Hills religiously, never have, never will, and are proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile

If you have ever forgotten what you were going to Google or YouTube just after you've thought of it, copy and paste this to your profile

If you think fanfiction contributes to society and people ought to get placed in Guiness books for it, copy and paste this to your profile

If your definition of happiness is jumping up and down your bed (and then laughing your head off when you fall and bump your head), copy and paste this to our profile

If you think all the cool people are the ones who have 4-7 imaginary friends, copy and paste this to your profile

If you consider the 'Mary Poppins' movie a work of art and that 'supercalafrajalesticexipallidoshus' should constantly be No. 1 on the TOP 100 of All TIME songs, copy and paste this to your profile

If you have tests all week long but are looking around people's profiles and laughing at random things, copy and paste this to your profile

If you have ever sprayed your smelly sneakers with room spray or air refreshner (and then realized that that doesn't work well), copy and paste this to your profile

If you have a good mind to sue some peope for excessive dangerous stupidity, copy and paste this to your profile

If you have saved some shoe boxes because they 'look' nice or have funny stuff written on them, copy and paste this to your profile

If you think I really ought to stay away from the laptop from hereon forth, copy and paste this to your profile :)

Some little copy and pastes I made!!

If you love da show gossip girl, copy and paste this into your profile

If you talk like dis on da internet, copy and paste dis into yall profile

If you feel sad because you've finished adding on to your profile, copy and paste this to your profile

(use naems for this to make it more undertsandable) If you have ever old one of your friends (jane) you like your other friends (mary) brother and you tell Jane not to tell Mary then she walks over your other Mary and tells her you lke her brother, copy and paste this into your profile

couple of things that i've learnt about the Twilight characters...

1. Never get in between Alice and shopping.

2. Always, ALWAYS, always, let Emmett win.

3. Rosalie doesn't like you, unless maybe your name's Emmett.

4. Esme will never let you feel bad about yourself, no matter how depressed you are.

5. When Carlisle starts using long words, don't even try.

6. Jasper will always expect the worse.

7. Alice will never expect the worse.

8. Edward is never going to let Bella have any fun.

9. Bella doesn't care.

10. Edward will claim he doesn’t want Bella near Jacob because he is dangerous.

11. He is a good liar.

12. Sometimes, kicking Rosalie and Emmett out is a good thing for everyone.

13. Rosalie will always put her car first.

14. Emmett will have fun, no matter what the cost.

15. The guys have absolutely no power over the girls. Not even Bella.

16. Caius will always vote death.

17. Alice will sink to any level to get what she wants.

18. Never try to beat Alice at party-planning.

19. Bella can't lie.

20. Esme will always worry.

21. There is no such thing as ‘I don’t have the time’ in the Cullen house.

22. Emmett is just a really big kid.

23. Mike Newton will always hate Edward.

24. Edward will always cheat in fights.

25. So will Alice.


I thought I'd be able to fit this in...

50 Things You Never Knew About Me:

1. What color is your toothbrush?

Blue and Black

2. Name one person who made you smile today:

Bro. HE was acting stupid

3. What were you doing at 8 am this morning:

Sleeping. Tee hee. :)

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

On my laptop doing random things. (i was bored)

5. What is your favorite candy bar?

Do sweettarts count? Gobstoppers

6. Have you ever been to a strip club?

Ew, heck no

7. What is the last thing you said aloud?

“I want to be known as The Apocalypse from now on”

8. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?


9. What was the last thing you had to drink?


10. What is your lip gloss of choice?


11. What was the last thing you ate?

Sweet tarts –holds up pack--

12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?

YES! A cool hat!

13. The last sporting event you watched?

on tv or like there? Well, either one the answer is idk.

14. What is your favorite flavour of popcorn?


15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?

(shifts eyes left to right suspiciously)...

16. Ever go camping?

NO! WWAAGGGGHHHHH. (whimper) Mom dosen't like to go camping.

17. Do you take vitamins daily?

Say wat?

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?

uh, no. Sunday is family day.

19. Do you have a tan?


20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza?

Pizza! Edward ate Pizza in twilight. Bella dared him too. :D

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?

I want straws but we don't have any.

22. What did your last text message say?

I dunno

23. What are you doing tomorrow?


25. Look to your left, what do you see?

A book shelf full of DVD's.

26. What color is your watch?

Watch... Hmmm...about that….

27. What do you think of when you hear Australia?

Ah, me! Oh, and a koala with a fishing hat holding a australian flag. And for some reason Jacob holding a boomarang popped in my head.

28. What is your birthstone?

Don’t remember lol

29. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?

We never go to fast food places. Well, much

30. What is your favorite number?


31. Who's the last person you talked to on the phone?


32. Any plans today?


33. How many states have you lived in?

All US states xcept for Alaska and Hawaii. Between my 10-30 months old time, my parents traveled to about every state. I’m still a teen

34. Biggest annoyance right now?


35. Last song listened to?

Decode by Paramore

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

Umm... Z, Y, U, P, S, T, Yellow, M, L, N, Jeans, Jacob... Cookies... Uh, sorry, wat where you talking about?

37. Do you have a maid service clean your house?


38. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?

Converse. Black and Red. Ah, twilight irony

39. Are you jealous of anyone?


40. Is anyone jealous of you?

Nope, why would they be jealous of me?

41. Do you love anyone?

A guy (you prob knw him)

42. Do any of your friends have children?

Gasp!! i hope not.

43. What do you usually do during the day?

School, school and more school. i tell you i am going nuts here.

44. Do you hate anyone that you know right now?


45. Do you use the word 'hello' daily?


46. What color is your car?

My porsche will be yellow. Or my BMW will be red.

47. Do you like cats?

There cool.

48. Are you thinking about someone right now?

I am now.

49. Have you ever been to Six Flags?


50. How did you get your worst scar?

Vampire bite

OH, no more. :(

And God(CARLISLE) said "Let there be Edward,"...and it was gooooood

I'm the kind of person who will burst out laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

pick up line comebacks, add to it

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together


Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Woman: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.

If you repost this you will get a phone call 37 minutes after you repost
If you don't resend this then your love life will be doomed for eternity.

Color: Blak and Red. Sometimes Blue

Number: 69

Band: Paramore!!

Music Genre: Alternate

TV Show: Ben 10 Alien Force

Movie: Twilight, New Moon

Actor: Taylor Lautner

Actress:Ashley Greene,

Fast Food Restaurant: CiCi's, Pizza Hut, Papa Johns, Taco Bell, McDonalds..

Food: Fettucini Alfredo
Ice Cream: Choc chip!
Cereal: Lucky Charms
Alcoholic Beverage: I don't drink... I'm too young.

--Do You--

Have any siblings: Yuppo. 1 obnoxious bro
Have a job: Nope, school instead.
Have a cellphone: Yep! Red and Black LG Xenon

Have a bedtime: No!! --evil smile--
sing in the shower: YEP!!

Want to go to college: Ivy Leauge

Hang with your parents: Sometimes.
Have any piercings: Ears.

Have any tattoos: No way

Smoke: No.
swear: Only if you count crap as a bad word. And I swear in my stories. Or atleast the characters do. And sometimes, when I get angry, I count to ten. When I get REALLY angry, I swear :D

drugs: Ew, NO.


xYou talk to yourself a lot. (A lot meaning all the time...)

xYou talk to yourself about talking to yourself. (e.g. 'Why do I constantly ask myself random things?')

xWhen you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else. (e.g. 'Have you ever noticed that deliver could mean someone's liver?')

xAfter uttering a profound peice of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, "Wow, this stuff is great for sugar highs..."

xYou live off of sugar and caffeine. (the two greatest things ever discovered!)

You'll check your e-mail every day of the week and then disappear off the face of the earth.

xYou're e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.

xWhen replying to an e-mail, you'll never actually address the point of it.

You tend to collect Bic Stics off the ground like picking pennies off the ground.

No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper.

xThe letters on your keyboard are wearing off.

Your friends and family think that you have carpal tunnel syndrome.

xPeople think you have ADD.

xYou think it'd be cool to have ADD.

xYou constantly start talking in third person, present or past tense.

xYou start thinking about making lists like this and start giggling for no "apparent" reason

Your friends stopped looking at you funny for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago.

15 Things to do when you're in Walmart!

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look."

12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

15.Grap alot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go."

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you,
But the roses are wilting,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty,
And so is your head.

1. Where's #1 on your top 8? Say what?

2. What is your favourite possession? Dunno,

3. Do you own a gun? No...

4. If you could tell your last ex something what would you say? Umm...”I just reached puberty, you’re missing out on this hot new body.” LOL, It would be awkward.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? I don’t care cause Carlisle’s a doctor. :)

7. What's your favourite Christmas song? Emmet’s version of Jingle Bells from Nicky-hales story “A Cullen Tale” On fanfic.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Water

9. Can you do a push up? Yep

10. Is your bathroom clean? Forcibly, not voluntarily

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My bella eclipse bracelet with the wolfie and the silver heart on it, it’s sparkly!

12. Do you take painkillers? Nah. :)

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? Maybe ma hot new body. LOL.

14. Do you have A.D.D.? (Attention Deficit Disorder) Well, maybe, but if you talk about that time when- OME!! Spaghetti!

16. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment Taylor Lautner, Ben 10, My new LG Xenon

17. Name the last 3 things you have bought Crhistmas Prezents

18. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink Water

19. Current worry? My violin concert

20. Current celebrity hate? Miley Cyrus

21. Favourite place(s) to be? Duh, Forks.

22. How did you bring in the New Year? Par-tay!

23. Where would you like to go? Forks.

24. Do you own slippers? No, my feet are usually cold in the morning... so I bring out the trusty socks!

25. What shirt are you wearing? It’s blue, just like how Eddie likes it on Bella.

26. Favourite colour(s)? Black and Red

27. Are you gay? Nope

28. Do you sing in the shower? yes, yes I do

30. Best bed sheets as a child? Pretty fairy ones! They were pink :D

31. Worst injury you've ever had? When I was riding bikes with a friend and she crashed into me and broke my wrist. OW.

34. Does someone have a crush on you? I dunno. You tell me.

35. Do you wish on shooting stars? Yes. But they never work. I still don’t have a yellow Porsche.

36. What is your favourite candy? Chocolate, but lately I’ve been lovin’ nerds and jelly beans.

37. What song(s) do/did you want played at your wedding? Paramore

38. What song(s) do you want played at your funeral? Anything by Paramore 39. What were you doing @ 12 AM last night? Umm... I don’t know!

40. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Ummm. Probably, “No! Edward come back! Nooo!! Go back to sleep, keep dreaming!!”


Another survey!! this is funnnn!!


x You love hoodies.
x You love jeans.
x Dogs are better than cats.
x It's hilarious when people get hurt.
x You've played with/against boys on a team.
Shopping is torture.
xSad movies suck.
You own/ed an X-Box.
Played with Hotwheel cars as a kid.
At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
x You own/ed a DS, PS2 or Sega.
x You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
xYou watch sports on TV.
x Gory movies are cool.
You go to your dad for advice.
xYou own like a trillion baseball caps.
xYou like going to high school football games.
You used to/do collect football/baseball cards.
xBaggy pants are cool to wear.
It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
x Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
x You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
xSports are fun
x Talk with food in your mouth.
xSleep with your socks on at night



xYou wear lip gloss/chapstick.
x You love to shop.
You wear eyeliner.
You wear the color pink
x Go to your mom for advice.
You consider cheerleading a sport.
You hate wearing the color black.
x You like hanging out at the mall.
x You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
x You like wearing jewelry.
Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
xShopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
You don't like the movie Star Wars.
xYou were in gymnastics/dance?
xIt takes you around/ more one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up.
x You smile a lot more than you should.
You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
x You care about what you look like.
You like wearing dresses when you can.
xYou like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.
x You love the movies.
x Used to play with dolls as little kid.
xLike putting make-up on someone else for the joy/joke of it.
xLike being the star of every thing


15...or 16, Gah, I lost count

Lessons Learned in Twilight:

1. You can enjoy the banquet while resisting the wine.
2. The future is not set in stone.
3. Men are crabby when they're hungry.
4. Nothing beats an irritable grizzly bear.
5. True love knows no boundaries.
6. Some people are just danger magnets.
7. Even eternal enemies can work together to save something they love.
8. Forget the fangs - real vampires sparkle!
9. Soul mates exist, even if it takes 100 years to find them.
10. Porshe 911 Turbos make really great bribes.
11. Friendship is like the sun on a cloudy day.
12. Snow just means it's too cold for rain.
13. Family is about more than just blood.
14. What's worth doing is worth over-doing.
15. Losing your temper can be hair-raising.
16. "Vegetarian" has many meanings.
17. Even monsters can hold on to their humanity.
18. There are exceptions to every rule.
19. Always verify bad news before doing something stupid.
20. Hearing voices in your head doesn't necessarily mean you're crazy.
21. Love means being willing to sacrifice your happiness for another's.
22. Cold hands = Warm heart.
23. Not breathing is uncomfortable.
24. Stupid lambs and masochistic lions make quite a pair.
25. Romeo was an idiot.
26. Twilight is the saddest and safest time of day.
27. Extreme sports should not be attempted alone.
28. Life is worth very little without someone to share it with.
29. Space heaters can be very annoying.
30. Love can make even the most miserable places paradise.

Fun Stuff to do I an elevator:

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag,
peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in

2) STAND silent and motionless in the
corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt
and strain to yank the doors open, then
act as if you're embarrassed when they
open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake
and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a
while. Then announce in horror: "You're
one of THEM" - and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And
push all the red buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone
presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger
for a while, then announce: "I have new
socks on."

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look
around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12) TRY to make personal calls on the
emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor
with chalk and announce to the other
passengers: "This is my personal space."

14) WHEN there's only one other person
in the elevator, tap them on the
shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they
give you a shock. Smile, and go back for

16) ASK if you can push the button for
other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you're
waiting for your friend. After a while,
let the doors close and say "Hi Greg,
How's your day been?"

18) DROP a pen and wail until someone
reaches to help pick it up, then scream:
"That's mine!"

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of
everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant
and review emergency procedures and
exits with the Passengers.

21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.

22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.


1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Freak this!" and walk out triumphantly.

14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)

15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.

24. Masturbate.

25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the heck are you? Where's the regular guy?"

26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!

27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

31. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.

32. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

33. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay, let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E..."

34. Fake an orgasm. When interrupted, apologize, and explain that question #_ moved you, deeply.

35. Wear a superman outfit under your normal clothes. 30 minutes into the exam, jump up and answer your phone, shouting "What? I'm on my way!!". rip off your outer clothes and run out of the room. strike a pose first for added effect.

36. Tailgate outside the classroom before the exam.

37. If your answers are on a scantron sheet, fill it out in pen.

38. Bring a giant cockroach into the room and release it on a girl nearby.

39. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

40. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

41. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the person next to you as if he/she did it.

42. Dress like the professor.

43. Cross-Dress.

44. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.

45. Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.


Who's the last person you talked to and what did you say?
My mom. I am trying to convince her that the Cullens are real

Where are you?
In the car on my dad's laptop

Look up. Now look back.
What did you see?
a seat

What's the last thing you ate?

Say "George Bush".
What's the first thing that comes to your mind?

You now have a million dollars.
What do you do?
Rent Taylor Lautner

What are you eating/drinking right now?

What are you writing RIGHT NOW?
Uh, this

Find a globe. Spin it.
What does it say?

Find a book. Turn to page 56, line 18.
What does it say?
"I love you. This is a poor excuse for what i am doing, but I love you" --Edward

What can you hear right now?

Have a conversation with the closest living thing to you other than yourself.
Me: Hi, Plant! How’s it going?
Plant: …
Me: That’s nice.

Turn on the T.V.
What show is on?
no tv in car

Stand up. Close your eyes. Spin around three times. Stop. Open your eyes.
What's the first thing you see?
Aum...i im in a car

93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile and add your name to the list: Sunlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Moonlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Evil Genius of the COCA, Invader Miley Phantom, dAnnYsGiRl777, BloodySalvation, Lady Lost-A-Lot, Battleground Heart, Kaity the Chameleon, cocoapufflover, Wind Crystal, MewMewFerret,michikoneko, The Evil Authoress, shadowgrave22, Fanpire298, TEAMjakeward101

If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile.

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you are bored and like to write stuff, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you can listen to a song and match some of the lyrics up to your life copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you are so obsessed with Twilight that it is not even funny anymore, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you love Taylor Lautner, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you want to kiss Taylor Lautner, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you think Taylor Lautner is F--ING hot!! copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you think Robert Pattinson is ugly compared to Taylor, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you went to the Twilight, and New Moon midnight premire on the first showing every, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you would die for Jacob, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you think Jacob is hot, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you absolutely LOVE to sing even though you may or mat not suck, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you are guilty of doing a British, Irish, Australian, Southern accent or Elvis impression, copy this in your profile

92 percent American teens would die if Abecrombie and Fitch told them it uncool to breathe. Copy this into your profile if you would be in the 8 percent laughing their asses off at the others.

96 of tweens and teens would be sad if Miley Cyrus was about to jump off of a building. If you are one of the 4 who would be shouting, "Jump faggot, JUMP!" or gladly give her a push, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think that Hannah Montana is a robot sent by the government to kill all of the worlds brain cells, copy this into your profile.

He told his friends that it was cool,

And when he pulled the trigger back,

It shot with a great, huge crack.

Mommy, I was a good girl, I did what I was told,

I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold!

When I went to school that day,

I never said good-bye.

I'm sorry that I had to go, But Mommy, please don't cry.

When Johnny shot the gun, he hit me and another,

And all because Johnny, got the gun from his brother.

Mommy, please tell Daddy; That I love him very much,

And please tell Zack; my boyfriend; That it wasn't just a crush.

And tell my little sister; That she is the only one now,

And tell my dear sweet grandmother; I'll be waiting for her now

And tell my wonderful friends; That they always were the best

Mommy, I'm not the first, I'm no better than the rest

Mommy, tell my teachers; I won't show up for class,

And never to forget this, And please don't let this pass

Mommy, why'd it have to be me? No one, though. deserves this.

But mommy, it's not fair, I left without a kiss.

And Mommy tell the doctors; I know that they really did try

I think I even saw one doctor, trying not to cry.

Mommy, I'm slowly dying, with a bullet in my chest,

But Mommy please remember, I'm in heaven with the rest

When I heard that great, big crack, I ran as fast as I could

please listen to me if you would,

I wanted to go to college, I wanted to try things that were new

I guess I'm not going with Daddy, On that trip to the new zoo

I wanted to get married, I wanted to have a kid,

I wanted to be an actress, I really wanted to live.

But Mommy I must go now, The time is getting late,

Mommy, tell my Zack, I'm sorry to cancel the date.

I love you Mommy, I always have, I know you know its true

And Mommy all I need to say is, "Mommy, I love you"

In Memory of The Columbine & Virginia Tech Students Who Were Lost

To every guy that's said, "Sex CAN wait"
To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful."
To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to see her.
To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.
To every guy who has given her flowers just because.
To every guy that said he would die for her.
To every guy that really would.
To every guy that took time to do what she wanted to do.
To every guy that she cried in front of.
To every guy that holds hands with her.
To every guy that kisses her with meaning.
To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.
To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.
To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.
To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.
To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours
just to see her for ten minutes.
To every guy that would give his seat up.
To every guy that just wants to cuddle.
To every guy no mathat reassured her that she was beautiful
no matter what.
To every guy who told his secrets to her.
To every guy that tried to show how much he cared
through every word and every breath.
To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.
To every guy that believed in her dreams.
To every guy that would have done anything
so she could achieve them.
To every guy that never laughed at her
when she told him her dreams.
To every guy that walked her to her car.
To every guy that gave his heart.
To every guy who prays that she is happy
even if you are not with her.

...This one is for you...

Apparently not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore...
And because of this, there are not many left out there...
They're mostly Dicks.
I guarantee 90 of the dudes reading this don't have the balls to put it up 'cause it's all about image.
If you are a nice guy repost this with "We're a Dying Breed"
If you are a girl that thinks every guy should treat a girl this way
repost this with: "To Every Guy

I had a friend once, but then the rope broke and he got away..

Your unique, just like everyone else--found on a poster at school

"If you know me, chances are you hate me." ~ Anonymous

"Heaven doesn't want me and hell is afraid I'll take over." ~ Anonymous

"When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back." ~ Anonymous

"Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk and the rest of it telling us to sit and shut up." ~ Anonymous

"Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it." ~ Anonymous

"Sometimes, people just build walls up not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break through." ~ Anonymous

"The cracks in the cement are a reminder that no matter how strong you may be, you can break." ~ Anonymous

Got a problem with me? Solve it.

Think I'm trippin'? Tie my shoe.

Can't stand me? Then sit down.

If someone has ever asked you what Maximum Ride is about, and they give you a look that says, do-I-really-hang-out with you? copy and paste this on your profile.

If you have ever burst out laughing about something in a book, and people look at you wierd, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you are so obsessed with Maximum Ride its not even FUNNY anymore, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you have ever called one of your friends Mom on accident, copy and paste this on your profile.

If random songs pop into your head for no apparent reason, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you have ever read a 250 pg + book in less than one day, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you ever sang the "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" song copy this into your profile!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you,
But the roses are wilting,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty,
And so is your head.

If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.
If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em.
If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em.
If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em.
If ya can't kill 'em, you're screwed.

"You can't always argue with all of the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they aren't paying attention." -Brom, Eragon

Fang:Sell your soul for a cookie.

Max:Nah, Jeb already tried to get me with that, and I said no. No matter how much I wanted that cookie.

I ran with scissors, and lived!

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

"Wal-Mart, do they like, sell walls there?" - Paris Hilton

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

All the good ones are either dateing someone, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.

Stupid shiny Volvo owner.

The greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences, and mistakes, and yet still sees the best in you.

"When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it."

"Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it."

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else"

"Real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real."

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they've seen me laugh, and they've seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.

A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.

I'm not so good at advice. Can I intrest you in a sarcastic comment?

Which way does a compass point in space?

Talk to the hand ,a flick of the wrist oh my gosh you just got dissed.

If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this into your profile

If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile

If you have ever stopped to look at something in the middle of a busy street, copy this into your profile

If you love rain, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.

Top 75 Most Annoying Things To Do In An Elevator

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

Ask, "Did you feel that?"

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

Swat at flies that don't exist.

Tell people that you can see their aura.

Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

Put police tape in front of the door before entering.

Fart loudly when there are only two of you in the elevator. Argue vehemently that it wasn't you.

Do the "potty dance" all the way to the elevator door. Upon arrival, sigh and look greatly relieved.

Throw a rave.

Place potted plants and water fountains at strategic locations in the lift. When people ask what you are doing, tell them you "won't ride an elevator that's not fung shwei."

Greet everyone getting on with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".

Hum the first six notes of the "It's a small world" over and over again.

Lean over to another rider and whisper 'Noogie patrol coming!'"

Have a heated debate with yourself.

Bring a melon onto the elevator. Try to sell it to the other passengers.

Drum on every available surface.

Write a big X on the elevator floor, and hand out "pirate" maps to everyone as they enter.

Give psychotherapy to the other passengers.

Greet everyone coming on as if they were your best friend. Use the same name for all of them.

Say "ring ring," then pull a banana out of your pocket and start talking into it.

Propose to the other passengers.

Challenge people to duels.

Sell girl scout cookies.

Come on looking really scared, and say to another passenger..."I'm kinda nervous...this is my first time flying..."

Any time someone enters the doors, recoil in horror.

Shout "Food fight!"

Every time someone else talks, angrily shout: "Some people are trying to sleep here!"

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Lick one of the buttons. Tell the other passengers you're sick and tired of people stealing your food the second you turn your back.

Elevators were practically MADE for river dnce!

Bring a snowboard onto the elevator. Put it on. Every time the lift goes up or down, shout "WOO-YEAH! This is what I call sick air!"


Every time the elevator goes down, loudly scream "OH MY GOD!! We're all gonna die! This is it! This is it! It's over! IT'S OVER!!" Look relieved when it stops moving. When you begin to drop again, repeat.

Ask the other passengers if they want to see your glass clown collection.

Practice your kung fu.

Make race car noises when people get on and off.

Ask everyone on the elevator: "Are you my mother?"

Fly a model airplane.

Do yoga.

Play the accordion

Enter the elevator with nothing on your head. Individually ask everyone if they like your hat.

Recite gangsta rap lyrics in monotone.

Bring a rocking chair. Sit and knit.

Enter with a shovel, and attempt to "dig for treasure."

Read "Green Eggs and Ham" at the top of your lungs. Sound out every word.

Brickwall Waterfall

Brikwall waterfall boy you think you know it all

well you don't I do so BOOM!

with your attitude!

see my pinky see my thumb

see my fist you better run!

If you thought this was funny, but true paste this to you profile!i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs cpoy and psate it in yuor pofrile

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb ass?

It's dark in here, and I hear laughing.

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is retard cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

9 Things I Hate About Everyone:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". darn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Idiots!

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid 12 to come to the cinema and stare at the darn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the heck?? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbie?

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever tripped over air, copy and past this into your profile

If you have ever tripped UP stairs, copy and paste this into your profile

If there are times where you just wanna annoy someone for the heck of it copy this into your profile.

If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile.

Harry and Lupin's conversation:

Harry: Are you really a werewolf?

Lupin: Yes Harry.

Harry: Are you f--ing serious?!
Lupin: All the time.

Harry: O-o What?

Lupin: what?

Harry: ...

If you got the joke and found it extremely funny, copy and paste this onto your profile!

If you're hyper, like being hyper, and are hyper all the time like ME, COPY THIS INTO YOUR PROFILE!

Only crazy people can understand the brilliance of crazy things. If you are crazy and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile!

If you are weird, insane, crazy, odd, not-normal, a freak of nature, psychotic, random or anything similar, copy this into your profile

Copy and paste this on your profile if you're a true Twilighter/Fanpire/etc

If you've ever fallen asleep around 2 am reading Twilight , New Moon, and/or Eclipse, copy and paste this onto your profile

If you love rain, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, add this to your profile.

If you think Aro acts like a creepy camp counciler, copy and paste this into your profile

If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.

Thats not all!


are like

apples on trees.

The best ones are

at the top of the tree. The

boys don't want to reach

for the good ones because they

are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they just get the rotten apples

from the ground that aren't as good,

but easy. So the apples at the top think

something is wrong with them, when in

reality, they're amazing. They just

have to wait for the right boy to

come along, the one who's

brave enough to

climb all

the way

to the top

of the tree.

Quotes I liked.

They say that guns don't kill people; people do. Well, I think guns help. I mean, if you stood there and
yelled "BANG" I don't think you'd kill many people'

'there are few problems that cannot be solved using a large amount of explosives.'

'I used to have superpowers, but my therapist took them away'

'if is not enough to succeed; others must fail'

'whoever said "nothing was impossible" never tried slamming into a revolving door...'

'one day we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject'

'parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to
sit down and shut up'

'you know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor...'

'you're just jealous because the voices only talk to me'

'stupidity killed the cat, curiosity just got blamed'

'You know what! Earth sucks. I'm going home!'

'Knowledge is power, and power is the root of all evil. So study to be evil!'

'As I said before, I never repeat myself'

'I'm here because heaven wouldn't take me and hell was afraid I would take over'

'You gotta do all that family crap. Ya know why? Cause someday they just might hit the lottery'


getting HiGH meant swinging at the playground?

the worst thing you could get from a boy was cOotiEs?

when )m O m( was your hero

and 'D a D' was the boy you were gonna marry?

when your WORST ENIMiES were your siblings

and rAcE iSsuEs were about who ran fastest?

when -WAR- was a card game

and life was simple and care free?

remember when all you wanted to do


Put This On Your Profile If Your Still 5 Inside...No Matter How Old You Are Now

Girls Don't realize these things;

I'm sorry
that I bought you roses
to tell you that I like you

I'm sorry
That I was raised with respect
not to sleep with you when you were drunk

I'm sorry
That my body's not ripped enough
to "satisfy" your wants

I'm sorry
that I open your car door,
and pull out your chair like I was raised

I'm sorry
That I'm not cute enough
to be "your guy"

I'm sorry
That I am actually nice;
not a jerk

I'm sorry
I don't have a huge bank account
to buy you expensive things

I'm sorry
I like to spend quality nights at home
cuddling with you, instead of at a club

I'm sorry
I would rather make love to you then just screw you
like some random guy.

I'm sorry
That I am always the one you need to talk to,
but never good enough to date

I'm sorry
That I always held your hair back when you threw up, and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car,
but when we went out you went home with another guy

I'm sorry
That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere,
but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend

I'm sorry
If I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around

I'm sorry
If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work

I'm sorry
that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.

I'm sorry
If you read this and know somebody like this
but don't care

But most of all

I'm sorry
For not being sorry anymore

I'm sorry
That you can't accept me for who I am

I'm sorry
I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good
enough to make it in your world.

I'm sorry
I caught your boyfriend with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for...

I'm sorry
That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.

I'm sorry
That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your boyfriend was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.

I'm Sorry
That I cared

I'm sorry
that I listen to you at night talking about how you wish you could have done something different.

Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"
Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you.

If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, copy and paste into your profile as 'I'm sorry'

If You're one of the FEW girls with enough BALLS to copy and paste this into your profile, and you would never make your guy feel this way, copy and paste into your profile as 'Girls Don't Realize These Things'

You know you live in 2009 when...

1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.

2.) You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years

3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they dont have a screenname or my space

4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV

6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.

7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.

8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.

9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.

10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.

11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.

12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did


A black man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only black man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him.
The white man said, "Coloured people are not allowed here."
The black man turned around and stood up. He then said:
"When I was born I was black,"
"When I grew up I was black,"
"When I'm sick I'm black,"
"When I go in the sun I'm black,"
"When I'm cold I'm black,"
"When I die I'll be black."
"But you sir..."
"When you're born you're pink,"
"When you grow up you're white,"
"When you're sick, you're green,"
"When you go in the sun you turn red,"
"When you're cold you turn blue,"
"And when you die you turn purple."
"And yet you have the nerve to call me coloured"
The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...



Isnt it funny that when you go to the shops with your friends you look down at the girl with black jeans and studs but smile at the girl wearing a a mini with a tshirt that barely cover anything?

Isnt it funny you can change your music taste to impress a guy but when it comes to a girl who likes her own music and her own style, you give her a mouthful?

Isnt it funny that a guy can get away with being a gangsta but the emo gets a mouthful from everyone

Are you laughing?

Isnt it funny an emo can be quiet all through the week but gets more shit from everyone than the girl who sleeps around and sells her virginity?

Isnt it funny that you dont mind your friends drinking, smoking but the minute someone mentions emo music you can give them a lecture on melodramatic teenage outcasts?

I'm not laughing

Its so funny that you and your friends can make a girls life hell and not know anything about the silent battle she might be fighting.

Isnt it funny that you can call emos, punks, goths the retards but still manage to get through your day without an inch of guilt in your heart.


Keep on laughing

Isnt it funny you can say and do all this without any idea of what is going on in this persons life

without knowing her situation with her friends

or her family

or her LIFE











keep on laughing if you agree put this on ur blog and advise others to do so screw THE EMO HATERS.

"George W. Bush... He kills the trees, but let's the BUSHES live!" - Rayne

"Every time a reader gives feedback, an attractive bishonen gets naked." - Pavana Lachrimae

"Long sentence short: Seduce first, kiss second, fuck third." - Vladimir Masters (from Dickanny)

"This school is like eight different dimensions of Hell all crammed into one little building." - Keely

"My pencil's down at the base." -

"No matter what gender, I'm naming my first child 'Purrerererere'. It's feminine, yet masculine!"

"A dictionary is for dicks-tionaries and only dicks-tionaries."

Tori: We need to come up with another quote.
Me: ~belch~ That's one. - myself and Tori

"You may call me whatever you like, but I'm still taking your cake." - L

"You gotta be slicker than the slickest, and I'm pretty slick." - Mr. Watters

"You just fed a poor kid for a day, feel good about yourself." - Keely

If you're against stereotypes, copy and paste this into your profile, and bold the ones that you identify with.


I'm into THEATER AND ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I'm a VIRGIN, so I MUST be a prude.
I'm BI, so I MUST think every girl I see is hot.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly or crazy.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.
I'm WICCAN, so I MUST be a devil-worshipping baby killer.
I SUCK MY OWN BLOOD FROM WOUNDS, so I MUST have a vampire fetish.
I'm a GOOD LIAR, so I MUST be an actor/actress.
I'm a BLACK BELT, so I MUST always want to kick someone's ass.
I'm a FEMALE BLACK BELT, so I MUST be a lesbian.
I LIKE TO BE MYSELF, so I MUST be cocky and arrogant.

I'm FRENCH, so I MUST be homosexual.
I'm a BOHEMIAN, so I MUST be a lazy drug addict.
I LOVE ANIMALS, so I MUST be a vegetarian. (ERm...I am...)
I'm a TREEHUGGER, so I MUST be a drug-addicted hippie.
I'm INTO JIMI HENDRIX, so I MUST be on drugs.
I'm a MUSICIAN, so I MUST not be doing anything with my life.
I have GOOD GRADES, so I MUST be a nerd or suck-up.
I have GREEN SKIN, so I MUST be a wicked witch. (Oh, totally me)
I'm DIFFERENT, so I MUST just want attention.
I'm an ACTOR/ACTRESS, so I MUST be mean.
I'm THIN, so I MUST have an eating disorder.
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a stupid ditz.
I HAVE A LOT OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be dating them all.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST love math.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST be on welfare.
I'm PUNK, so I MUST slit my wrists.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST be an alcoholic.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore with a jock boyfriend.
I'm a JEW, so I MUST be greedy.
I LOVE RENT, so I MUST be an emo lesbian with AIDS.
I'm a CHRISTIAN, so I MUST hear crazy God voices in my head.
I'm AMERICAN, so I MUST be an overweight pig with no boundaries.
I'm a GIRL, so I MUST suck at all guy sports. (sad thing is, I actually DO suck at sport)
I like CATS, so I MUST dance like a cat in my spare time.
I SPEAK GERMAN, so I MUST be a psycho Nazi.
I'm IN BAND, so I MUST be a geek.
I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST be rebellious.
I DON'T HAVE A RELIGION, so I MUST not have morals.
I'm a DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I'm a DANCER, so I MUST be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I'm ALWAYS SMILING AND LAUGHING, so I MUST have a great life.
I'm a TEEN GIRL who likes to HAVE GOOD NATURED FUN with my FRIENDS, so I MUST be a WHORE, SLUT, and a LESBIAN.
I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I HANG OUT WITH GAYS, so I MUST be gay too.
I like to READ, so I MUST be a nerd.
I FROWN a lot, so I MUST be a nerd.
I get BAD GRADES, so I MUST be a slacker who doesn't try.
I'm a JEW, so I MUST hate all Germans. (lol)
I'm a HANNAH MONTANA FAN, so I MUST be childish and immature.
I'm POLITE to TEACHERS, so I MUST be a teacher's pet.
I'm a TEENAGER who still likes the DISNEY CHANNEL, so I MUST be immature and childish
I don't have many friends, so I MUST be an emo goth who hates the world
I like sunlight, so I MUST be a vampire/werewolf slayer
I like the opera, so I MUST be an egotistical snob with way to much money
I have more than 5 friends, so I MUST be a prep
I wear pink, so I MUST be a rich preppy snob with family money
I like diamonds and pearls, so I MUST be controlling
I wear perfume, I MUST be a flirt
I have a little brother, so I MUST be a brother bossing bitch
I have a little sister, so I MUST be an over-protective brother and suspicious of any guys she hangs with
I have a nice car, so I MUST be a rich bitch
I drink four sodas a day, so I MUST be on drugs as well
I'm female and I talk to my friends on a cell-phone, so I MUST be a snobby teen
I have tons of cats, so I MUST be a little old lady who likes cats
I like food, so I MUST be a fat pig

I am the girl...that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book. I am the girl that people look through when I say something. I am the girl that spends most of her free time reading, writing, or doing other activities that most teenagers wouldn't call normal. I am the girl that people call weird, and a freak either behind my back or to my face. I am the girl that doesn't spend all her time on MySpace, or talking to a girlfriend on a cellphone or regular phone. I am the girl that hasn't been asked out ever. I am the girl that has stopped to smell the flowers and jump and splash in the rain. I am the girl that loves rain and storms more than a sunny day, and not because she can't go out, but because she does go out. I am the girl that plays with stuffed animals despite her age. I am the girl that loves novels AND manga. I am the girl that doesn't try to hide her inner child.

Yeah... lets ADD MORE TO our ALREADY LOADED page!

Funny quotes:

You are a loser. You will always be a loser because that’s what a loser is... a loser. There is nothing else a loser can be but a loser. The fact that you are a loser has already been decided...and when something has been decided it can not be changed because it is decided! It has been decided by none other than me!...Neji-ji-ji-from a random clip

I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it.

When life gives you lemons... make Gwevin!!

You're jealous cuz the voices in my head talk to me and not you.

No trespassing, violators will be shot and survivors will be shot again.

It takes 47 muscles to frown, 17 to smile but it doesn't take any to sit there with a dumb look on your face.

If you always stop to smell the roses sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

If you don't like my driving then stay off the sidewalk!

I am worse than evil... I am the author!!

The evening news always starts off by saying Good Evening and then procede to tell you exactly why it isn't.

He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

How Troublesome...

Sorry about being late...I got lost on the path of life.

No you don't get it you think you get it which is different than actually getting it get it?

There are 3 kinds of people, those who make it happen, those who watch it happen and those who don't know what the hell is happening.

People are boring, they are only amusing if you push them down a flight of stairs.

When life gives you lemons make grape juice and let the world wonder how you did it.

I AM NOT CRAZY! My reality is just different than yours.

My imaginary friend thinks you have mental problems.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me, he said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet.

When life gives you lemons squeeze them in somebody's eyes and RUN!

If you are reading this then step 1 of my EVIL PLAN is complete.

When life gives you lemons, think of another 'when life gives you lemons' quote

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!

“Popularity’s overrated.” If you agree, copy and paste this into your profile!!

Ninety-five percent of teenagers are concerned about being popular. If you are one of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile.

92 percent of teenagers would die if Abercrombie and Fitch told them it wasn't cool to breathe. Put this in your profile if you would be part of the 8 percent laughing your butt off.

Almond chocolate milk tastes good. People call me crazy, but I'm just random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile!

Chocolate chip cookies are the best!! If you agree, copy and paste this into your profile!!

98 of teenagers do drugs, have sex, and drink alcohol...put this in your profile if you like chocolate chip cookies instead

If you've ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile. Oh the ironie...

If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.

If whenever you see or hear the name "Deidara" you freak out and have a small fit because you love him so much, and then people stare at you, copy and paste this into your profile

If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.

Put this in your profile if you didn't know the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star had the same tune.

If you are weird, insane, crazy, odd, not-normal, a freak of nature, psychotic, random or anything similiar, copy this into your profile.

If you don’t believe in stereotypes, copy this into your profile.

If you ever freaked people at your school and still do, copy this on to your profile

No Boy - No Love
No Love - No Sex
No Sex - No Children
No Children - No School
No School - No Teachers
No Teachers - No Problem
No Problem - OH YES!!

93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile and add your name to the list: Sunlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Moonlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Evil Genius of the COCA, Invader Miley Phantom, dAnnYsGiRl777, BloodySalvation, Lady Lost-A-Lot, bellabookworm9, Bella Masen Cullen, Vampire Scooby, Simply Manialoll, The Devil's Kin, Sagerune Yahami, TEAMJakeward101

I love little kids:

Public Restroom Incident

By Shannon Popkin

My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we are in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There have been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than& nbsp; last week at Costco.

Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called me, so I took Cade with me into the restroom.. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:

'' Mom my, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mom my? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mom my, what are you doing? Mom my, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?''

At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity. Cade continued:

'' Mom my, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mom my! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mom my! Oh ... Mom my! I'm trying to see In dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mom my. You are gonna get some candy!''

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, ''Why don't you look in Mom my's purse and see if you can find some candy.&nbs p; We'll both have some!''

''No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies...Oh! Mom my!''

He started to gag at this point..

''Uh - oh, Mom my. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mom my, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!''

As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall.. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.

'' Mom my! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!''

He grunted as he tried to pull me off Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door. ''Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mom my? You wooking under da door? What were you wooking at? Mom my? You wooking at the wady's feet?''

More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.

'' Mom my, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mom my.'' He started pounding on the door. '' Mom my, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!''

I saw that my wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and startin g to applaud..

My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy? But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mom my to this little fellow.

(Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three She lives with her family in Grand Rapids , Michigan , where she no longer uses public restrooms)

You must pass this on to all the mothers (or dads) who have had embarrassing moments with their children... Isn't it great to be a parent!!


This is all so funny because everyone knows it's all TRUE!! :)

Why does someoneBelieve you
when you say there are four billion stars;
but have to check when you say
the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S'
in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
Why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something
new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open
from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't
we say, 'That really hurt, why don't
you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we
complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE...

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.. Think of your three best
friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Now send this on to your friends
and let them smile too, because ...

A day without a smile is like
a day without sunshine!

Why, Why, Why,

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there
is not enough money?

Silly kids:

Why We Love Children !!

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...'Da-ad...'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad...'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later...'Daaaa-aaaad..'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of bitch is nine...'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class.. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours?

2 People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. You got that right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this?

5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid 12 to come to the cinema and stare at the stupid floor.

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What the heck?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came, would I still be standing here?


So here are some random things:

If you like cheese, post this into your profile.

Eh, not really. I just made that up.

How to annoy people: P.S. I have tried most of these with friends-one word-HILARIOUS!


Act like a dog, growl at people.
Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
Apply dripping red paint around the edge of the roof hatch. When someone enters, look upwards and whisper "I think they want in..."
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Press the wrong ones.
Ask everyone what they made for their side dish.
Ask someone to take your temperature, then turn around and bend over.
Ask, “did you hear that cable snapping sound?”
Attempt to hypnotize the other passengers.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Blow spit balls at the ceiling.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
Blow your nose on your sleeve.
Bring a camera, take pictures of everybody in the elevator.
Bring a chair along.
Bring easy math flash cards on the elevator and ask the person next to you to help you study them (get them wrong).
Burp, and then say “mmmm...tasty!”
Call out, “Group hug!” and enforce it.
Call the psychic hotline from you cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you’re on.
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Challenge people to games of hide-and-seek.
Clutch your stomach and gasp.
Collapse on the floor when the elevator goes up, then get up and look embarrassed.
Collect an elevator tax.
Count down from 100,000 out loud.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
Draw a volleyball on the wall of the elevator and insist you have been trapped in there for 3 months. Formally introduce everyone to the volleyball!
Dress as a clergy member of the opposite sex.
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
Eat jello through a straw.
Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
Give each passenger a round of applause as they enter or leave.
Give each passenger a ticket and remind them that door prize drawing is in half an hour.
Give people lectures about the periodic table of elements
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Go into extreme detail explaining how you were trapped in an elevator once for two days.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
Greet everyone with a smile and a handshake, then ignore them.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
Guard the button panel so no one can touch it. Growl and bite at anyone’s fingers who attept to cross you.
Have a picnic in the elevator.
Have a seizure.
Hold the elevator door open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi John, how’s your day been?”
Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
Hug yourself.
Hum the theme from Mission Impossible with yours eyes darting around the elevator.
Hum the theme to Jeopardy
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"
If anyone brushes against you, whisper to them "was it good for you too?"
Introduce yourself as Ochenga-Wangaa The great chief and begin telling stories of your native island.
Jump up when the elevator reaches a stop.
Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they want to play.
Lean against the button panel.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
Leave a box between the doors.
Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking.
Lick gummy bears and stick them to things (the walls, the buttons, the passengers, etc.)
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Make farm noises.
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Make sure the emergency phone is working.
Meow occasionally.
Move your desk in to the elevator, and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
Mumble autistically about the possibilities of elevator accidents.
Offer a bite of your fresh tangerine to everyone coming on board.
Offer hitman services.
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
Open a lemonade stand.
Perform the Hamlet soliloquy. When a new passenger enters, start over again.
Pick your nose.
Place police tape (CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS) on the inside of the doors.
Play dead.
Play patty--cake with the door.
Play the harmonica.
Pour water on the front of your trousers, so it looks like you have wet yourself, tell everyone who comes in to the elevator, that you had a little accident.
Pray to Budda.
Preach about the end of the world.
Pretend to be dead and lie on the elevator floor.
Pretend you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
Read a book upside down.
Recite poetry in monotone.
Request for people to watch you Riverdance.
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Say, while holding a paper with OUT OF ORDER written on it, “I wonder why this was glued on the door when I came in.”
Scratch yourself.
Scribble furiously on a notepad while looking at each passenger. When they try to look, hide the pad.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
Shadow box.
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
Sing: "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerve's, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, i know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and it goes like this!" to the tune of "camp town lady"...pause...repeat...continually.
Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce “I’ve got new socks on!”
Start a sing-along.
Start reciting "Green Eggs and Ham" and ask people what comes next.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
Tap dance.
Tell everyone about the hidden rooftop penthouse belonging to the mob.
Tell everyone about your love life.
Tell people you can see their aura.
Tell the passengers not to worry. The bomb won't go off for at least another two minutes.
Throw a party in the vator!
Try to purchase an article of clothing from the person next to you.
Untie one shoe, then tie the other. Repeat.
Walk in circles. Change directions when you hit a passenger.
Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.
Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Wear a basketball jersey. Show everyone your armpit. Works best if you get a good workout and don't use deodorant.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Wear a Santa June.
Wear a ski mask and carry an axe.
Wear complete SCUBA gear, then offer your buddy hose to the other passengers
When the elevator doors close, bang on them, screaming let me out!
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now... motion sickness!”
When the elevator doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic, they’ll open again.”
When the doors close pretend you arm got caught in it.
When the doors open, pretend you did it with your mind.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
When the elevator reaches another passenger’s floor, scream and collapse in front of the door.
When there’s only one other person on the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.
While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, “hide it...quick!” then whistle innocently.
Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.

In a Public Restroom

Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
Cheer and clap loudly every time someoe brekas the silence w/ a bodily function noise.
Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."
Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
Fill a balloon w/ creamed corn. Rush into the stall w/ your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.
Fill up a large flask w/ Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 ft. Sigh relaxingly.
Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peekaboo!"
Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!"
Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
Say, "Interesting...more floaters than sinkers."
Say, "Now how did that get there?"
Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could
you kick that back over here please?"

In General:

Accuse people of "glue sniffing addictions" in public.
Add blank entries to a list, to make it look like it's longer.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
After visiting the local donut shop, sit on the floor cross-legged and insist in a childish voice that you haven't received enough chocolate sprinkles.
Announce when you're going to the bathroom.
Answer every question with another question. As soon as one of you says a statement instead of a question, shout "I win!".
Any time a member of the opposite sex tries to talk to you, hold your hand up to prevent them from saying anything and say, "Look, I know what you're going to ask me... For the last time, no, I will NOT go out with you."
Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. Then eat raw potatoes.
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
As people talk, smell their shoulders.
Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!")
Ask people what gender they are.
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
Ask to "interface" with someone.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
At a restaurant, repeatedly send your food back for changes and after awhile insist that, "This isn't what I ordered!"
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
At random times in a conversation, say "Hi," "Hello Sir, how are you?" or "Have a good day, thank you."
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word "the."
Be "in conference" all the time.
Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.
Begin all your sentences with "Ohh la la!"
Block the entrances of elevators, buses, and subways.
Bring 15 things into the dressing room.
Bring a portable CD player to a concert and listen the CD because you insist that it is "Just better quality"
Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips.
Buy it, wear it, return it.
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Call every girl you know "dude".
Call every pager number you know and leave the number for your local McDonalds.
Call everyone a communist.
Call into work and tell them you have something better to do today.
Call other people "Champ" or "Tiger.". Refer to yourself as "Coach."
Call someone and ask for someone that you know is not there then hang up. Call again about a half hour latter and ask for the same person then hang up again. Wait another half hour and call again and ask for that person again and then hang up again and wait a hour and call the same number and say that you are the person that you have been calling for and ask if you had any messages.
Call the operator. When asked, "Can I help you?" reply, "No thanks, just browsing."
Call your neighbors collect.
Change Channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
Chew on pens/pncils that you've borrowed.
Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
Claim you are fluent in over 6 million forms of communication - constantly, every time any language is mentioned, even if the comment is not directed to you
Clear your throat every three or four words while speaking.
Click your mechanical pencils or your pens during a test in school.
Close your eyes and start snoring whenever anyone tries to talk to you.
Consistently refer to everyone as 'mortal.'
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, pronouncing the results.
Continually try to get all of the people who write you letters to put cellophane tape over their stamps so that you can wipe off the postmark and reuse them.
Continue to ask someone, "Is this annoying? Is this annoying?" over and over and over.
Continuously mumble during a conversation.
Continuously open your briefcase or bag and say into it, "Have you got enough air in there?"
Convince people you are deaf and talk in an incredibly phony sign language.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a southern drawl.
Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa.
Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
Dedicate your life to politics, become president of the United States, then raise all taxes to 90.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
Determine how many cups of coffee is 'too many'.
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Develop strategies for cutting into the front of lines.
Disagree strongly with everything anybody says.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Don't clean the dryer lint screen.
Don't leave a message at the beep, just hangup.
Don't rewind videocassettes before bringing them back.
Don't stand during hymns and anthems.
dont use any punctuation
Down a can of Coke in one drink and then burp loudly.
Draw mustaches on posters.
Dress like a "High-class rich person" and wash windows at random street corners.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
Drive half a block.
Drum on every available surface.
Drum your fingers during other people's presentations.
Eat out with friends and "forget" your wallet.
Eat produce at the market; don't buy it.
E-mail Microsoft to tell them about bugs in Windows XP that aren't actually there.
Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
Every time someone asks you to do something or says something to you ask "Is that a threat?"
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
Every time you see a particular coworker, shout, "So we meet again!" and laugh evilly.
Explain "the little green men" in detail to someone, and when they don't believe you, accuse them of being one in disguise.
Face the back when standing in an elevator.
Fart in cramped places.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Finish each sentence with "Monkey See, Monkey Do".
Finish other people's crossword puzzles
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
Flirt with a friend's spouse, lick your lips slowly, wink, etc.
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all in the fish tank with a mask and snorkel.
Force everyone to remove their shoes when they enter your office "to prevent contamination."
Forget the pooper scooper.
“Forget” the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
Frantically change the date on people's computers back 50 years, and claim that you are trying to save humanity from the "Year 2000 Bug."
Get to know a friends bookie and place bets for them. Insist on keeping half of any money they win.
Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
Give little kids clothes for their birthdays
Go canoeing and sing the Hawaii Five-0 theme.
Go to a gumball machine insert coins until you have a matching pair of fake eyeballs. After attaining these, record the theme song of The Twilight Zone over and over again. Drive down the street wearing the eyeballs and playing The Twilight Zone theme very loud. When you get pulled over, leap into the passenger's seat and claim, "He was here a minute ago, officer!"
Go to a Metallica concert wearing a Michael Bolton T-Shirt.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Go to a shoe store and try on every shoe, then say that you aren't interested in buying shoes and leave.
Go to McDonalds and ask for a BK Whopper.
Go up the down escalator.
Go up to a someone and say, "Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?" And then walk away very quickly.
Grin so wide it hurts your cheeks at every salesperson in town.
Hang around national monuments all day, trying to get in other people's vacation photos. Afterwards, give them your address and ask them to send you a print when they get them developed.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
Hold the elevator until you have finished your conversation.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
In an office, lock all the doors behind you.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.
Insist on buying airplane tickets for friends to "save them money." Make sure the plane departs at 5AM and the tickets are non-refundable. Point out that you didn't really save them any money.
Insist on giving weather forecasts in public. Claim to be AMS certified.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Insist that Celine Dion is better than the Beatles.
Insist that it was Bobby who shot J.R.
Insist that your e-mail address be
Instead of singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall, sing 999,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall!
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Keep changing the TV channel every two seconds.
Learn "Ice Ice Baby" by heart and recite it endlessly.
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads.
Leave pages in the copier.
Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode.
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April.
Leave the toilet seat up
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Leave your Metallica CD in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
Leave your pantyhose hanging in the shower.
Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the parking lot.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Let doors slam behind you -- in other people's faces.
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Lie to your therapist.
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Listen to 33RPM records at 45RPM speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
Look at your hand in amazement and say, "Whoa, I never knew I had this!"
Loudly recite people's most embarrassing secrets in restaurants.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Make scary faces at babies.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." (Hmmm, I guess our President has already co-opted this idea!)
Move people's bookmarks ahead three pages when they aren't looking.
Mow your carpet. (Or preferably somebody else's)
Mow your lawn with scissors.
Name your dog "Dog."
Never break eye contact.
Never make eye contact.
Occasionally bark in a high-pitched voice.
On a hot summer day, ride up and down the road and drench pedestrians with squirt guns.
On a night other than Halloween, get a few friends together and dress like Jason from Friday the 13th. Have each of you stand a mile apart on a highway.
On buses, attempt to convince the driver to take a really cool short-cut you know. Barter and haggle for your fare.
On the public bus, keep asking the driver nervously, "are we there yet?"
only type in lowercase.
Open umbrellas in crowded hallways.
Order a pizza and ask them if they can "please put the crust on top this time" in an exasperated voice.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Outloud say "What?" and then answer "Never mind. It's gone now."
Page yourself over an intercom, but don't disguise your voice.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Pay tolls with 100 bills
Pee in the swimming pool.
Phone McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening.
Phone random numbers and tell them you are holding their daughter hostage.
Pick your ear wax and ask if you could use their sleeve to wipe it off.
Pinch all the chocolate candies until you find the one you want.
Place your shoes on the table.
Play the electric guitar very loudly and badly, then when the neighbors ask you to turn it down, play even louder. When they come round to complain again, say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked me to turn it up!
Plead with the person next to you for the window seat on the plane, and then get up fifteen or twenty times during the course of the flight complaining that you should have taken two spoonsful of "The Pink Stuff".
Poke anyone near you and say, "stop violating my personal space."
Pose as a client at a bank or other professional institution, and when you are seated in front of their desk, keep rearranging the items on top into different patterns and tell them you are "just reorganizing things."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Practice the art of limp handshakes
Press the "power" button on on someone's computer or keyboard when they're almost finished typing up a long essay, story etc. Apologize sincerely, claiming that you thought it was the focus adjustment.
Pretend you are invisible.
Pretend you have gone completely deaf.
Pretend your computers mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk into it.
Pretend you're listening.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of FBI copyright warnings.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner and hotel reservations.
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Put everyone on speakerphone.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
Race the old woman for the last bus seat.
Rain on someone's parade.
Read over other people's shoulders on the bus.
Rearrange the keys on associates' keyboards to spell unflattering things about their mothers.
Recite every song from the Playstation games PaRappa the Rapper and Um Jammer Lammy.
Recite Shakespearian poetry to everyone you meet.
Recite the first 100 decimal places of Pi. Then ask if people want to hear it in binary, too.
Remove single socks from laundry machines at public laundromats. Replace them bright red scarves which are especially prone to bleeding.
Repeat everything someone says as a question.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Ride a unicycle to work.
Ride on the shoulder until you pass all the jammed traffic; then cut in.
Run around holding your elbows and asking people to please take the straightjacket off you.
Run through the halls of your office building or school with your arms outstretched, making airplane noises. Periodically crash into pedestrians and lose a wing. Spiral to a crash and repeat.
Sample every flavor of ice cream and tell the clerk what you don't like about each one.
Say to people, "Did you wear deodorant today?"
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Secretly learn to play the piano, then go to a friend's house who has a piano. Claim you've never played before then play Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring perfectly the first time. Then say, "I guess I must kinda be a natural."
See if you can be the first one off the plane, even if you are sitting by the window.
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your agency's programs. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Send emails to listserv when nobody else can
Send people annoying chain forwards with outrageous consequences like "If you don't send this to 300 people in 4 seconds you will die instantly" and then insist that it is true and it happened to your uncle.
Serve corn on the cob to people with dentures.
Serve TV dinners, wine coolers, and Twinkies on Thanksgiving.
Set alarms for random times.
Shake with your left hand.
Sharpen All your pencils to the same size EXACTLY.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Sing along at the opera.
Sing the "This is the song that never ends" song from Lampchop's Play-Along.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team.
Slap people and tell them to stop grabbing your ass.
Smell smoke often and announce it.
Snap your gum.
Sniffle incessantly.
Speak in a strong Welsh accent.
Speak so quietly that people always have to get you to repeat it.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Spend all day at a fast food restaurant and see how long it takes before you have to pay for your "free" refills.
Spend an entire weekend pretending you are R2-D2.
Spread fertilizer on half your neighbor's lawn.
Squeeze the toothpaste from the top, and while you're at it, leave the cap off.
Stand on a busy corner. Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Stare at people for about five minutes, making sure they know you're staring at them. Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Sniff their head, then run away. Repeat.
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
Start to build a Star Destroyer. Build a mock-up out of popsicle sticks.
Step on the back of the shoe of the person in front of you.
Step on the heels of the person in front of you, and ask them to watch where they're going.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Surprise old friend's by visiting them at 3AM "to discuss old times".
Switch your neighbor's lawn furniture with someone else's.
Tailgate the elderly.
Take more than 10 items to the express checkout lane
Take off the eraser to every pencil in your house, or better yet, someone else's house.
Take photos of people walking down the street and then run away.
Tap someone on the shoulder repeatedly.
Tape a blank piece of typing paper to your dorm or office door and leave it up for ages; when someone finally writes on it, yell at them and tell them to please not deface your property.
Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climatic parts of rental movies.
Tell everyone you are Bill Clinton's cousin.
Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus.
Tell people that they're "putting on weight nicely."
Tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone.
Tell people their fly is down when they're wearing sweatpants.
Tell people they have bad breath.
Tell small children that they don't look very promising.
Tell teenagers how things were in your day.
Tell the ending of movies
Throw an Oh Henry in a public pool.
Throw newspapers back at paperboys.
Throw stones at people walking past your house.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Touch strangers.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Try to fit the word "cornucopia" into every sentence you say.
Unbend all the paperclips you can find, then replace every eraser you can find with a rubber band.
Use the last square of toilet paper and do not change the roll.
Vacuum your lawn. (Or preferably somebody else's)
Wait until you get to work to shave.
Walk around at the casino, looking at people's hands and giving them advice loudly. "Wow, that's a GOOD one!" or "Get rid of the nine; you've got a pair of kings!"
Walk into people's houses, go straight to the fridge without saying hello, and help yourself to their food.
Walk up to random people and ask them, very seriously, "Do you know the muffin man?"
Walk up to random strangers insisting you are family.
Walk up to someone eating. Lean over and stare at them intently until they notice. Continue to do so until they ask what you're doing. Reply, "I've been watching you eat for the last 30 seconds.. You're weird!" Leave the restaurant.
Walk very slowly, and make sure nobody can get past you, move in front of them when the try.
Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Wash and scrub the trees in your front lawn.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
Wear a lot\of cologne.
Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
Wear alarming combinations of pink and green and comment about everybody else's fashion sense.
Wear large hats during the movies.
Wear nothing but white and go mud wrestling.
Wear odd shoes.
Wear your cap backwards and say "Yo, wazzup?" a lot.
Wear your pants backwards.
When a cop pulls you over, when they step up to your car, drive forward slowly and make them walk. Especially if it's raining.
When at an ATM, try to have a conversation with it, or pretend it stole your card. (This works best if there's a line.)
When at dinner at a fancy restaurant, keep blowing out the candle in the middle of the table, and blame it on your date.
When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
When giving directions, leave out a turn or two.
When in a chat room, spell everything incorrectly.
When in a conversation, look out the window, then say "Wait, start over. I wasn't paying attention."
When in an elevator, in different voices, shout out random floors, and then watch as you get there, no one gets off.
When in public, pretend you are selling something in an infomercial.
When it says, "Reserved Parking", this means you.
When people ask you to do things, mutter under your breath, "This won't be neccessary where you are going."
When riding up an elevator with a stranger, start singing a song that everyone knows, then expect them to start singing too. If they do not start singing, insist, “Everyone knows that song. Are you stupid?”
When standing near a "high-class person," ask them, "Excuse me, but do I have a booger hanging on my nose? I thought I picked it off."
When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right.
When walking down a main road, act like a drunk.
When walking push an invisible cart and make loud squeaky noises.
When walking, talk to yourself constantly.
When you're in an argument, no matter what it's about, keep yelling "I don't see your name on it!".
Whenever anybody says anything to you. Respond by saying, "I know."
Whenever anyone says something, laugh loudly as if they have just told and extremely funny joke.
Whenever somebody says something, ask what the simplest word they said means. When they explain, ask what the simplest word in their explanation means. Repeat this for the entire conversation.
Whenever someone finishes a sentence say, "And then what happened?"
Whenever someone lights a cigarette, tackle the person and yell "Stop, drop, and roll!"
While driving if you see a "How am I driving" bumper sticker, call the number and inform the operator that the driver is doing a great job.
While going down in an elevator scream, "AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!" for no apparent reason.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive and put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
While walking make car noises loudly (Such as changing gears).
Wire up people's cars so the horn comes on as soon as their car is started.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Computer Lab:

Ask around for a spare disk. Offer 2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your pocket and say, "Oops, I forgot."
Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects.
Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!" and continue working.
Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
Light candles in a circle around your terminal before starting.
Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "NO!! They've found me!" and bolt.
Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word.
Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
Play "Pong" for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they geta chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
Two words: Tesla Coil.
Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

In a Beach:

Ask everyone you meet, "Hot enough for you?"
Sing the "Barney" theme song as loud as you can.
If you see kids building a sand castle, say, "That's not a real castle!"
Every time when you're about to duck under the water, yell, "Down periscope!"
Go swimming in a full business suit. If people notice, act like they're the weirdos.
Put sea shell to your ear and announce to first person to pass by, "It's for you!" Repeat several times.
Throw jellyfish around.
Tune radio to all-news station and blast as loud as you can, then nod your head and snap your fingers like you're listening to some happenin' tunes.
Act like a sea gull.
Wear t-shirt that says, "I'm the coolest dude on this pathetic beach. No autographs please."

Amusement Park:

Dress up like one of the photographers and follow people around asking them repeatly if they would like their picture taken.
Leave large gaps in between you and the people in front of you while waiting in line.
Everytime you pass a chain restraint not in use, clip it on and use it to hold back the people behind you in line.
Ask the person running the roller coaster if someone has recently thrown up on it.
Pretend to freak out on a ride so they stop it to let you off.
Offer people money for their spots in line...MONOPOLY money.
Speak in Spanish, or pretend you're deaf and start making rapid hand movements.
Start talking about shaving your excess body hair in line while everyone around you is silent.
Find someone and tell them you're lost. Use your best acting skills.
Steal all of the pennies out of the water fountains.
Go up to the boy band wanna-be group and pretend to be really excited and ask for their autographs, reassuring them that they're gonna make it big soon.
Take an Alka-Seltzer tablet and begin to have spasmatic movements in your body while foaming at the mouth at the very top of the tallest ride.
Ask the ride attendant if you cannot ride because you are under the influence of herione, marijuana, crack, and every other drug you can think of.
Begin to cry when they start the merry-go-round and have them stop it because you're too scared to go all the way.
Start talking loudly about the last time you got stuck upside-down on this ride, scaring everyone in line around you.
Ask someone that looks like they're in a hurry for directions.
Complain about how dirty the seat is, and demand they clean it off.
Walk up to anyone in the park, and say "Hi, my name is your name" and offer a handshake.
Ask ANYONE for their autograph.
Advertise for a theme you're not at.
Find someone to tell your life story to.
Whisper right in someone's ear, "I know what you did last summer."
Comment how good you look in every picture of you on a ride.
Make fun of everyone else in every set of pictures taken during the rides.
Go up to every character walking around and give them a big hug and call them your "hero."
Ride every water ride and inform everybody with you that you can’t swim and everyone's gonna drown.

On a Subway!

Take large objects on the train with you.
Sing songs. Start a round with everyone on the train.
Eat onions and garlic and talk to the people next to you.
Sell stuff.
Stand in front of the doorway and glare at people when they try to get by.
Yell to your friends at the other end of the train.
Make fun of other people while they are in hearing distance of you.
Ride the train while drunk. Extra points if you throw up.
Constantly ask people for directions.
Ask people where they are from.
Ask people where they are going.
Quiz people on the meaning of life.
Start a game of poker. Extra points if it's strip poker.
Start a game of tag. Extra points if it's strip tag.
Start a game of twister.
Use a cell phone. Talk loudly.
Turn your headphones up to 120 decibels and then complain loudly that they just don't make headphones loud enough anymore.
Shake off your umbrella on the people sitting down.
Shake off your hair on the people sitting down.
Ring out your shirt on the people sitting down. Even on days when it's not raining. Make them wonder where it all came from.
Ring out the shirt of the person sitting next to you.
Bring a pet. Preferable a rattlesnake. Without a cage.
Juggle eggs.
Juggle knives.
Don't take a shower for a month.
Stick your feet way out into the aisles when sitting down. Extra points if you're wearing clown shoes.
Tell the people your problems. They really want to know.
Start line dancing. Even when there's no music.
Use the shoulder of the person next to you to take a nap.
Use the shoulder of the person next to you to blow your nose.
Use the shoulder of the person next to you to cry.
Have deep philosophical conversations about belly button lint.
Play an accordion for money. Make people pay you to stop.
Jump up and down muttering "gotta go, gotta go" then frown and say "oops."
Use pennies in the turnstile.
Where a Burger King crown and tell everyone that they must bow before royalty. Hit those who don't.


“Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.
Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone 15 each.
Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat entire raw potatoes.
Attach a sign that says "FAX" to the paper shredder. Sit and watch to see how many people fall for it.
Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn’t turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.
Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.
Change the message on the company voice mail system. Get “Creative”.
Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Email your boss the message: I know what you did last vacation.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Erect a shrine to your favorite sports team, holding candlelight vigils at 10:00 a.m. and 2:00 p.m. daily.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
Grow mold in your coffee cup.
Hang mistletoe over your desk.
Hide a rubber cockroach in inventive places.
Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don’t have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
Insist that your e-mail address be: “” (or “”)
Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.
Make a roof over your cubical out of old soda cans.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point Sparky.” “No I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.”
Name all your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until they’re all present. Come to work in your pajamas.
No matter what anyone asks you, reply “Okay.”
Page your co-workers to call their extensions so they call themselves.
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.
Put shaving cream on your boss’s telephone earpiece. Dial the number. When he/she answers, say “Sqwish.”
Put those hole reinforcing circles on the center of you eyeglasses. Now go to that executive meeting.
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.
Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Send emails one word (or a few) at a time. end each one wth something like, "more to come tuned to your inbox for further developments..."
Sing “It’s a Small World After All” really loud in your cubical.
Subscribe your coworkers to those free trade journals. Give them wacky middle names. Example: Bobby “Pud” McNeel.
Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
Talk to your mouse as if it is a C.B. radio.
Wait until a co-worker goes on vacation, then relocate everything they have in their office, and move someone else in their place. When they get back act like nothing has changed since they left.
When an a person tells you that they'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?"
When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, “I think my phone is ringing” and leave. Go get a coffee.
When IT support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once.
Whenever anyone comes in your cubicle insist they knock or don’t speak with them. When they knock, ignore them.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive”.

Pizza Guy! MY FAV:

Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "BedWetter’s Camp, right?"
Add extra letters to words, ex: pizza becomes pizzzzzzzaaaaaaa
After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
Answer their questions with questions.
Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g., If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
Ask for chips/fries with everything!
Ask for extra homo-sapien
Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
Ask if them if they get a free date with one of the staff if you make order over 30.
Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
Ask if you they can put food color in the cheese.
Ask the man/woman if they can sculpt the pizza into your favorite celebrity.
Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue.
Ask to see a menu.
Ask what the order taker is wearing.
Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
backwards pizza your order
Be vague in your order.
Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
Change your accent every three seconds.
Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."
Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?"
Eliminate verbs from your speech.
Engage in some serious swapping.
Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up
Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
If (s)he suggests a side order, ask why (s)he is punishing you.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be 10.99; please pull up to the first window."
If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
If you live next door or on the same block as the pizza place, ask them to deliver with their pizza truck.
Imitate the order taker's voice.
In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
Keep telling the order taker about the other pizza place you sued last year.
Laugh every minute or two, mention the cat in the microwave!
Learn the topping codes or abbreviations and use them instead of the name (e.g. pp instead of double pepperoni).
Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it
Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'."
Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
Order a one-inch pizza.
Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
Order a steamed pizza.
Order one with ants.
Order term life insurance.
Order the most expensive pizza and have it sent to your boss!
Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
Order using lines from different movies (Luke, I am your "customer"-Darth Vader)
Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
Order your pizza, singing in falseto!
Pass the phone around to everyone in the house -- have each person change the order a little.
Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
Play a sitar in the background.
Pretend that you were trying to call 911 when they tell you you have the wrong # say oh well start to order... In the middle of your order stop and start to panic and yell “IT’S ABOUT TO BLOW” and hang up.
Pretend your flying a jet fighter in the Gulf War while ordering.
Psychoanalyze the order taker.
Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
Put them on hold.
Quote Carl Sandberg.
Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
Rent a pizza.
Repeat every third third word twice
Report a petty theft to the order taker.
Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
Say your order as fast as humanly possible.
Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place? When they say yes, say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, Pizza Place, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
Shout, "I'm through with (wo)men! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets CD.
Spill out your life story and ask them to they understand, if they say yes, Scream "liars, I don't believe you!" and hang up!
Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!"
Start your order with "I'd like. . .". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't."
State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
St-tt-t-utter, b-b-bb-badly
Stutter on the letter "p."
Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he' fired.
Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
Try to talk while drinking something.
Use CB lingo where applicable.
Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
When ordering a pizza, burst out in tears every 2 minutes
When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"
When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"
When you'ge given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs. lol

In an airplane: (i go on an international airplane for 19 hours every year. I get bored. jeez)

Act like a movie star.
Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Tom Cruise or Madonna (This best when the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)
Ask the guy next to you to hold your dentures (senior citizens only)
Ask the person next to you, "Are you in the Witness Protection program too?"
Attempt to promote Hinduism among passengers
Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. "My, you have a very irate home,' she said governessly."
Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, "The reception is much clearer up here..."
Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F".
Bring a microphone and act like Frank Sinatra
Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright! I told them I didn't need a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play Doom.
Call the stewardess "nurse".
Continually offer to share your "Beano".
Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea.
Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you
Disco dance in the aisle
Don't use deoderant, then "accidently" stick your armpit in someone's face
During the inflight movie, ask to share headphones with someone
During the meal, loudly explain that on time you ate shark fin soup and proceeded to puke all over the airplane, spewing chunks of shark on the other passengers
Explain how, one time, the plane was crashing and the oxygen masks didn't come out, 'cause they aren't really reliable, and that if the plane was to crash, everyone would die
Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it
Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar
Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker gang
Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't"
Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.
Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!"
Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice "Why do the call it the COCKpit?" then snort as if it's the funniest thing in the world
Go up to someone and ask loudly if they wouldn't mind applying Preporation H to your hemrrhoids.
Hum the Monty Python theme song.
If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off.
Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!"
Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane.
Lead a revolt against the first class passengers.
Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?"
Mess up your hair, untuck your shirt, basically look crude, and mingle with a first class guy as if you were long-lost friends
Moon passing Delta planes.
No matter what the meal choices are, demand rice-a-roni.
Pick your nose and pat the person next to you.
Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes.
Pretend you're flying the plane.
Put on a ten foot diameter sombrero and slouch in your seat, whacking everyone on the head.
Remark that perhaps you shouldn't have put superglue in your undies that morning.
Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling "Yeee-ha!"
Say, "Did you know every time a plane crashes, an angel gets its wings?" Then sigh and stare dreamily into the clouds.
Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger.
Scream and dive under your seat for no apparent reason.
Show off your Batman underwear.
Sing along with the songs on your Walkman.
Snap Polaroids of him or her. Pull out an empty photo album and arrange the pictures inside it. Tuck the album under your jacket and say, "You know, in some cultures they believe that when you take a person's own their soul...," while smiling maniacally.
Sneeze, using somebody's sleeve instead of your hand to cover it
Snort when you laugh
Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: "Hello. H-e-l-l-o. Hello. Nice weather we're having isn't it? Weather. W-e-a-t-h-e-r. Weather."
Spill soda "Accidentally" on the person next to you.
Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into a hand held tape recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941. I was not able to command my own personal plane but success shall still be ours..."
Start a hot dog stand.
Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because, this is the song that never ends..." Suddenly realize that you can never stop singing. Become very panicky. Scrawl "Help me" on a piece of paper and hand it to the person sitting next to you. Claw at your throat and thrash around in the seat. Never stop singing.
Steal a businessman's laptop, play solitaire on it.
Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the pilot would mind going back so you can check.
Switch accents and see if anyone notices.
Tap at the windows, saying "Looks pretty tough" then ask somone if they have a bat you could use to test.
Tell corny jokes and laugh like it's absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same 46. Wear a hairpiece and switch it often, seeing if anyone notices
Tell the person next to you your life story, from DNA to that afternoon
Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms were out-of-order. Then pause and say, "Did you know that peanuts are a natural diuretic?" Smile.
Try to lead plane in song "Oh I wish I was an Oscar Myer Weiner"
When there's any nudity, say "Hey! He/she must be real cold!"
When they ask something, pretend that you don't know and you have to go ask someone else. Repeat wtih every question. (ie., "How are you today?" "How can I help you," "what would you like to order")
When two people kiss in the film, belch real loud.
Whip out your kazoo and give first class a special entertainment show.
With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say "Nevermind. Do you have any towels?"
With a fellow passenger, Re-enact the disco scene in "Airplane!"
With the person next to you, discuss cannabilism among airline crash passengers on deserted islands.
Yell out, "John Lithgow is on the wing!"

Your Professor:

Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN..."
Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand sitting in this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.
Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if you have a question, and mumble your question incoherently while brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.
Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it, and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit.
Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get your professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol, scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty scary, huh?"
Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into class, release the hornets, scream, and run away.
Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying, "Stop writing down all these lies!"
Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next to them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and "You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."
Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects, explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.
Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it comes time to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I wish I had a banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming you get a bad grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor.
Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going to arrive.
Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.
If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wear your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the blankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two minutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the "snooze" button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of the class.
Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class. Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All" or "Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the paintings to your professor as gifts.
Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a panic. Don't return for the rest of class.
Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a bicycle, yell, "Look out!" and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take a seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.
Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far away from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because you're scouting the room for "assassins."
Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in what you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down.
Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested, and write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic interludes and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make copies for the entire class, and your professor. Demand extra credit.
Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!" Apologize, and explain that you got confused.
When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it on the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service.
When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it, give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit.
Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!" Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking. Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back up. When class is over say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run home.
Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think up a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class and perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that he/she is "very inspiring."
Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15 minutes late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the building until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock, and throw it through the window.

Police:(not recommended to try: Dont blame me if you get arrested :P)

Hey, you must've been doin' 125 mph to keep up with me!
Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Hi, officer. Do you mind holding my beer while I find my license?
I thought you had to be in relatively good shape to be a police officer.
You know, I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No doughnut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked last week on "Cops?"
Wow, you look like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
I bet you I can grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
So, you on the take, or what?
Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
I pay your salary.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds.
So uh, you on the take or what?
Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's night stand.
You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

Discount Store:

"Accidentally" get stuck in one of the frozen food doors. Give people strange looks and see if anyone helps you out.
Add really funny things to other peoples’ carts and watch them pay for it and see if they notice.
Around Christmas time, start caroling. Ask for money from the listeners.
As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
Ask if you can buy a shopping cart.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
Ask Someone if they know were they sell little babies!
Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
Bring a friend and get in a shopping cart. Have them push you around while you yell "ye-haw!"
Buy chrome hubcaps and put them on in the parking lot
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Constantly wink at a person you don't know. Follow them around and blow kisses to them.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
Do all of these above without getting thrown out! Contributed
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
Dress as a Jedi and randomly tell other shoppers in you're best Yoda voice,"May the force be with you".
Everytime you walk out the door (or try waiting by the door for others to walk out), make a dinging noise then say mechanically "We're sorry. You have activated the Wal Mart inventory control service. Please step back and a Wal Mart associate will help you. Thank you."
Fill your shopping cart with matchbooks and gasoline and walk around smiling at people.
Find a parent with her kid in the shopping cart. Point at the kid and ask the parent, "What aisle are they selling these on?"
Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
Gather a bunch of bouncy balls and bounce them into neighboring aisles.
Get 20 people together and play hide-n-go-seek.
Get a dish towel and bucket and sit on the floor singing "It's a hard knock life for us!"
Get a friend, put on as many articles of clothing you can find and start sumo wrestling (use diapers if possible) .
Get a group of friends together and take lawn chairs from the display then rewind the movie playing on the display TV in electronics, sit down and watch the entire thing.
Get one of those fake dogs that barks/sings, place it on the ground in front of a group of people and press the button to make it sing/bark. Then proceed to bark and growl like you are going to attack it
Go into the dressing room and yell real loud... “Hey, we’re out of toilet paper in here!”
Go to the express lane and get an item, and say "wait, I forgot something, and keep doing that until you have like 50, check out, then say "thanks, I forgot how much this costs," and walk away.
Go to the video game section and play one of the games for a minute the throw down the controller and start to bang on the display case when an attendant asks u what u are doing tell him your trying to change the game.
Go up to a guy and start crying saying I finally found you mommy! And see what he does!
Go up to someone and start taking items from their basket and put them into yours.
Go up to the clerk and say code Red! and see what they do! (I know it will work I did it.)
Grab handfulls of super bounce balls and go wild.
have a couple of friends go with you and dress up as power rangers. Battle the invisible enemy and tell shoppers to stand back.
Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like “Pick me! Pick me!!”
hide in the toy section, when someone comes close jump out at them throw a ball and yell "Pikachu I choose you!"
Hold indoor shopping cart races.
In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
Joust with the electronic assist carts and wrapping paper (they usually won't throw you out)
Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest rooms.
Make farting noises as you walk by someone.
Make the entire auto department smell by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
Page yourself and then after the employee says your name, say...“Oh that's me, I've got to go. Thank you.”
Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
Play "Marco Polo."
Play blind chicken with 12 friends putting a blind fold on one and them having that person trying to find you .
Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
Play with the automatic doors.
Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
Pour bubble bath into the fountains in the garden section.
Put M&M's on layaway.
Put random items in the shopping carts of others while they aren't looking.
Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
Repeat whatever the store clerk tells you.
Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
roll cans of soup down the aisles.
run around the store yelling I'm a princess while holding a toy wand.
Run around yelling for your pet ferret "Stinky". check out all the funny looks you get!
Run up to a complete stranger and say "You're it!"
Run up to a new employee in the pet aisle and point to an invisible cash register and say "Hey you! That cash register over there, well um, I think it's magic! It made my little sister (or brother if you have one) disappear!" Wait and see what they say and the expression on their face.
Sample all the fragrances in the perfume department.
Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
Set up a battle of laser tag .
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
set up like ten pineapples in the shape of bowling pins and start bowling with a coconut.
Shoot the bungee tops at customers.
Start Humming the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Theme song. Whenever someone looks at an item near you scream "TUTLE POWER" and run away as fast as you can.
Strategically scatter those novelty dog poops throughout the store and wait for some to announce "cleanup on aisle ..." then yell "BAD FLUFFY!"
Switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the restroom.
Take a snickers bar, go in the bathroom and smoosh the snickers bar in your hand and reach over to the next stall and say "uh do you have some toilet paper over there?"
Take all of the free AOL cd's on the end of the check out counter Contributed by Keith
Take bets on the battle described above.
Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
Throw as many shoes as possible onto the floor in as little time as you can.
TP as much of the store as possible.
Try to fly on a broom. If anyone asks what you are doing tell them in a very annoyed voice, "the brooms don't work!"
Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
Unload then entire bin of giant bouncy balls, get in the bin, have a friend put all the balls back on top of you. When someone walks by jump outta the balls causing them to fly everywhere.
Walk about 10 centimeters in front of a moving shopping cart and yell "Its gonna get me!"
walk around in rubber boots , a rain coat, and an umbrella on bright sunny day!
Walk through the store pushing a cart that is upside-down.
Walk up and down yelling mommy , mommy then keep saying out loud have you seen my mommy I'm lost and I cant find her.
Walk up to a person and say I'm the FBI and I heard that you have been shopelifting and we need to check you.
Walk up to an employee and ask where the laxatives are, changing your voice as if you really need it.
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
Walk up to the automatic doors and walk back and forth through them and each time u go though look up at the sensor and yell "how does it work or ITS MAGIC!"
When a woman with children walks near you in the toy aisle, throw yourself on the floor, screaming "mommy, I want that toy"
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
when someone steps away from their cart to look at something quickly make off with it without saying a word.
When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
when the speaker/pager deal comes on start mimicking them.
When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
While playing a video game in the Electronics, skip side-by-side, wiggle your butt, and hum to the music. Contributed by MOOSE!!
While walking alone pretend you are have a serious conversation with someone.
While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crud, anyway?"


Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth!
I work for the IRS.
Have you ever tried cat meat?
I don't know why I ate it - liver and onions always gives me gas.
I just had a proctological exam - wow, worth every penny!
The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me!
I puked on the last person who flew next to me.
My butt reeeally itches!
Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my nose!
My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my desire to mutilate small, defenseless, woodland creatures.
The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator.
Would you hold this messy kleenex for me?
Wanna see my tonsils? I keep them in a jar.
I haven't changed my underwear in over two weeks! How about you?
The doctors say that my eighth personality is the least dangerous.
Wow, look at that little boy in the third row!
Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?!
Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?
I get a proctological exam once a week, whether I need it or not!
This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary.
Oh damn, my diaper's wet again!
If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat - that'll wake me up.
Wanna buy a gerbil?
Boy, that business at Waco was a mess - I got outa there right behind the Savior David!
Ya know, since I moved to West Hollywood my gerbil business has really taken off.
Wow, they could charge for that cavity search they gave me at the border!
I've just been treated for tapeworms.
Don Knotts is my favorite actor!
I work for the city of San Gabriel and I drive a garbage truck.
The pilot and I were in the same drug rehab clinic - he was doing much better when I left a couple days ago.
Did I tell you Charles Manson's my uncle?
I collect aluminum foil.
Ya know, these days a man can't hang out with a seven year old boy without being ridiculed by his peers!
I work in a landfill.
I remember, not too long ago, when a man could work hard clubbing baby seals all day long and then go home and have a tall, cold one with a clear conscience.
I have every album the Bee Gees ever recorded!
I work on a Japanese whaling ship.
We're planning on leaving our bodies and meeting with the mother ship next Tuesday -- wanna come?


Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

IRS: (dont try it: you'll get in trouble :P)

Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.
Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).
Line the bottom of your envelope with elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.
If your very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check.
On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.
Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to read and stamped regardless of what it is or what its on. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on
the back of a Kroger sack.
When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZi form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.
If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.
Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.
Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and then date stamped.

Fast food:

Specify that this order is "To Go".
• Drive through the drive in backwards and let your rear seat passenger make the order.
• At midnight, ask if you are too early for Breakfast.
• When Ordering, start talking about the problems you were having with your car. Ask if somebody can take a look at it.
• Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
• Laugh loudly when asked if you would like fries with your order.
• Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "Would you like fries with your order?"
• When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just looking and drive off.
• Tell them you have to use the bathroom - Don't Order anything.
• Order a hamburger, no bun with two ketchup sachets - Thats all.
• Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare and say " I know what you did to my food ! ".
• When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the rubbish from your car in it.
Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
• When they come on the intercom, say "Sorry, I'm not here at the moment, please leave me a message".
• Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
• Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.
• After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.
• Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
• Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.
• Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."
• In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
• When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage and ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
• Drive through with a car load of naked people.
• Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
• Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
• Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.
• Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
• If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe."
• All of the above work very well when done at the late night pick up window.


Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you
Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.
Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
Walk around tellin people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.
Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.
Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.
Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.
Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.

Usenet newsgroups:

Post a message asking how to post messages.
Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly names like
Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of "Geek Code", 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key, and your home phone in your signature.
Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in followups.
Post recipes on rec.pets.cats.
Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months ago with a title such as " HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? "
Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat.
On the MST3K groups, ask what happened to Joel.
Ask readers of to post their favorite Zeppelin tune "for a poll".
Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the "two-strings-go-in-a-bar" joke.
Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesn't yet have its own sex group.
Post your new "War Heroes of India" FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan.
Start this week's new AOL virus rumor.
Format your posts for 90 columns (or 20).
Provide a valuable public service by notifying the eager readers of roughly 1,200 newsgroups of your new "HOOTERAMA" phone sex service or "PorqWhiffe"
pheramone cologne.
Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing how ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have implanted invisible
microchips in your genitals.
Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster, and selflessly lead others to riches with a few "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts.
Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in
Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature.
Crosspost Amiga articles to the Mac and PC newsgroups for a valuable interchange of provocative ideas.
Announce a mailing list for Bill Gates' VISA card number.
Inform the readers of that your friend at a particular address is taking a penis length survey, and the first 1000 people to send him their measurements will
receive free naked pictures of Cindy Crawford.
Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the word "imbecile" in your followup flames.
Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster.
Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates.
Post personal ads on groups such as listing your work phone number.
Post under the name Dave Rhodes.
Followup every post in a newsgroup ranking them on a scale from 1 to 10.
Establish your own little Usenet niche by writing a Wink Martindale FAQ.
Advise other readers to ftp to for "really cool nudie pics".
Post daily word searches to rec.puzzles.
Post your trig homework to sci.math and ask the readers to e-mail you the answers, since you "don't read the group".
Provoke insightful and productive debates on fresh new topics such as abortion, gun control, the existence of God, penile circumcision, and the relative
superiority of Mac or PC operating systems.
Pick a cutesy handle that inspires vicarious embarrassment in other readers, such as "SoHot4U", "SokSnifer", or "WetNWild".
Maintain a high-level of constructive decorum by addressingsomeone with whom you disagree as "monkey boy".
Inform the readers of the sex groups that they're "going straight to hell", and then proceed to followup a variety of titillating posts.
Post to alt.folklore.urban that this guy that a friend of your uncle's ex-girlfriend's boss knew received the donated heart of River Phoenix.
Relentlessly inform the readers of groups such as rec.pets.iguanas or sci.agriculture of your UFO, JFK, OJ, NRA, NSA, Nutrasweet, and Azeri genocide
theories. Relate them all to sunspot activity and ancient astronauts.
Post instructions telling other readers how to put you in their killfile.
Post whining, misspelled, and vaguely creepy personal ads in wildly inappropriate newsgroups, and followup to berate the readers for not responding.
Announce that a particular site has opened up a new combination OJ Jury Info/Homemade Bombs/Kiddie Porn/Scientology Documents/Computer Subliminal
Hypnosis ftp archive.
Construct a device that lets your pets post to Usenet by pawing or pecking a feeder bar.
Post the Niemann Marcus cookie recipe to
Eliminate nearly all meaningful traffic on a newsgroup for weeks by challenging its readership to come up with as many synonyms as possible for the word vomit.
Accuse other posters of being AI experiments, Perl scripts, or Emacs macros.
Claim that you can see "hidden images" in another person's posting when you cross your eyes.
Ask Austrian readers about kangaroos.
Ask Australian readers about alpine skiing.
Include Rush lyrics or Rush quotes in all your posts.
Accuse female posters of being male.
Make an anonymous posting accusing others of cowardice.
Accuse a fellow AOL or Prodigy subscriber of being a "newbie" because their 3 months on the net are dwarfed by your own span of 4.
Insist that anyone objecting to your compulsive fascination with consuming the flesh of strangled disabled minors is "judgemental".
If you've grown tired of typing, effectively end a thread by accusing others of being Nazis.
Ask readers of soc.culture.nordic whether the Swedish Chef has a Sampo.
Write and regularly post a FAQ about yourself.
Post graphic descriptions of your bowel movements, genital sores, and various suppurating wounds to alt.tasteless.
Ask readers of for urgent, step-by-step instructions on removing arrows, or inquire why all your extremities have turned dark purple.
Insist that there's no such state in the U.S. as "New Mexico".
Post only in Esperanto.
Claim a copyright on the word "Usenet", and followup with a bill all posts you encounter that contain it.
Sell "posting permits" in news.announce.newusers.
Post single-part text messages in MIME format.
Ask the readers of rec.sewing whether any of them want to be the drummer for your new band, "Death Monkeys".
Claim to be an amorous highschool cheerleader while posting under a name such as "Robert Bradley Smith, Jr."
In the spirit of purest optimism, ask other readers to followup with their account passwords and credit card numbers.
Why use a single question mark or exclamation point when you can use at least thirty?!
List a cute organization name in your header, such as "Canadians for Global Warming".
Insult a poster from another nation based on his country's performance in World War II.
Post vitriolic, frothing, hair-trigger flames in polite newsgroups, as if you were a testosterone-crazed adolescent debating which shotgun is superior in
Followup spam posts in the belief that the originator, who probably follows the group closely and is desperately curious about receiving feedback, will see your
impassioned plea and be so moved by your lengthy, point-by-point indictment of their conduct that they pledge to desist from such activity for all time.
Regardless of its accuracy, followup another post with the line "BZZZT! Wrong answer!" or "Hello! McFly!"
Use a 120-line ASCII graphic of Spock as your signature.
Post to soc.culture.women asking "what's your favorite brand of oven mitt, little ladies?"
Post to news.annnounce.newusers asking if there are any nurses in Portland willing to spank you. Followup with an apology. Followup again with the original
Post with a newsreader that replaces punctuation marks with strange, non-ASCII characters.
Steer all debates to your own pet subjects of expertise, regardless of their relevance.
Make it clear from your postings that you've a profound inability to distinguish "The X Files" as fiction.
Insist that another poster is really Serdar Argic or Kibo.
Post 20-part encoded image files from NASA ftp archives that you claim show clear evidence of alien settlements.
Insinuate vague conspiracies in all your posts.
Spam post alarming ten-year-old files about Congressional bills to tax modem usage "in the name of freedom".
Claim that unidentified government agencies are censoring your posts.
Ask readers to collect aluminum pop-tops on behalf of Craig Shergold.
Ask readers of comp.sci.algorithms how to get Super Mario to the castle.
omit all punctuation
Ask the readers of where to purchase Cantor and Siegel's book.
Post the phone number of the Michigan Militia to alt.conspiracy as the "Classified ATF Secret Hotline".
Compose an exhaustively researched 15-part FAQ detailing the favorite movie musicals of relatives of the Deep Space Nine cast. Post it weekly in its entirety.
Strive to ensure that no two consecutive words in your posts are correctly spelled.
Enrich the lives of thousands with a thoughtful and impassioned debate on the topic "AOL users suck".
Dispense essential and priceless financial advice, such as the assertion that no one is legally required to pay taxes.
Demand that others cease using the letter e, as you find it "dply offnsiv".
Post to insisting that "Curt Kobain should leave Pearl Jam since they'll never tour again."
Assume that the entire Usenet hierarchy shares your interest in helping lonely Ukrainian lasses find love.
Followup another person's posts every twelve minutes to accuse them of "obsessing".
Followup two dozen of another person's posts to accuse them of harassing you. Send copious e-mail if you're ignored.
Start pointless debates over topics such as whether Whoopi Goldberg has eyebrows, what happens when you cross the International Dateline, and whether


Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices
Wear golf shoes.
Every time you throw exclaim "TAKE THAT, YOU JERKS!" Continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.
When ever a strike "X" appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy.
Explain to the owner how your game is "All sorts of messed up" due to plate tectonics, then lose him in lingo. Demand compensation.
Make lewd and graphic references to your "ball". Works well on Senior Ladies night
Play bocci with extra lane balls
Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about plate tectonics again.
Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tongues, then sit down as if nothing happened
Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting.
Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.
Hide behind the pins, stick your head up laughing hysterically
Use a curling weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers
Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted
Make your presence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours
Root for the other team - bring banners.
Make fun of your team - bring lettuce.
Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments.
Even if you miss totally--At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEERIKE
Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.
Rent all the lanes, don't bowl.
Blatently UNderscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating.
When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball and run home.
If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutterballs and blame plate tectonics.
Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone.
Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.
Superglue police whistles to the hand-dryers. Leave town.
Walk around asking people why they are here. Do this the whole night.
Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an announcement, then expound on the sins of bowling.
Name your ball something like "KILLER". Openly boast to everyone how great you are, throw like a wimp, do this all night
Sit in your lane and heckle others with a bullhorn.
Bring a dartgun. Be inventive.
Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.
Run around sprinkling "magic fairy dust" on everyone's balls.
Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night. Don't even have a entrance Fee, advertise it like crazy using every mass media known to man, make the 3rd Prize 10,000 and a Porsche, the 2nd Prize 5,000 and a trip to Europe and 1st Prize a coffee mug. Then sit back a watch the fights. Leave.


Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shlock.
Sneeze on the sample tray at Heckory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
At the bottom of an escalator, scream “My SHOELACES! AAAGH!”
Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
.Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen...
...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they’re “astronaut food”.
Follow patrons of D. Balton’s around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it’s a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, “You mean you really can’t see it?”
Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Snears.
Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
Test mattresses in your pajamas.
Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
If you’re patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
Sprint up the down escalator.
Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the “hidden picture”.
Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a
At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there’s much meat on them.
Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, “I see London, I see France...”
Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
Play the tuba for change.
Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play “Jesus Built My Hotrod”.
Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will “give you a really wicked buzz.”
Ask the personnel at Peer 1 Imports whether they have “any giant junk made out of straw.”
“Toast” plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing “Saved by the Bell”.
Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling “scratch one flat top!”
Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are “leakproof”.
“Play” the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they’re real.
If it’s Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say “Domino’s.”
Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
Show people your driver’s license and demand to know “whether they’ve seen this man.”
Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn’t turned blue yet.
Walk up the skinniest stairs in the mall with your arms out not letting anyone pass and walkin really slow. And any time someone is near yell.
Find one of the huge boom-boxes and turn it to some rock station. Then, turn it off and turn the volume all the way up. Then the next person to check it out will have great fun!
Set all of the alarm clocks in any of the Bed & Bath stores to go off every ten minutes on the loudest setting possible.
Buy the largest soda the stores have available, drink it down to the last inch, then stand behind someone while slurping up the remainding soda as loud as possible,when they tell you to stop it retort that you don't like to waste things.
Men go into women's clothes stores and try on skirts, underclothes, swimsuits, etc. Ask shop assisants what they think (vise-versa for women)
Bring survial gear and "live" in one of the tents in a camping shops. Scream "Help" & "We're under fire" every 5 mins. Make battle noises as well!
Wear you swimming clothes and go swimming in the coin pool! Wear armbands and a rubber ring for extra effect!
Start a sing along in the middle of the mall.
Print lots of "Fake" money, go into the mall (second floor if available) amd throw it all away.
Go into a pet shop and release all the birds, parrots etc. Screaming at the top of your voice "Be free my feathered friends"
Follow someone with children around yelling "mommy I want that!"
Take the money out the fountain while swimming and hand it out to people,spend it or if possible throw it from the second floor (it might hurt someone)
Add strange growths to the giant lego men in the toy stores
Put weird backgrounds on store computers when people aren't looking.
buy a feather boa at a clothing store and hang on to the rail while waving it and screaming "Look everyone I can fly!"
Stand in front of the Gap. "Fall" in repeatedly. Threaten legal action.
When ever someone makes an annoncment over the loud speakers cover your ears and scream "The voices...the voices...make them stop"
With a friend, speak in a different language (or make up your own) and make a seen, pointing at signs and people as if they were something shiny and new that you've never seen before. Pretend you're a tourist.
Walk right on people\'s heels and when they look back at you stop and look at the celing and when they turn back around countine
Annoying Things To Do During a Boring Sermon
Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
See if a yawn really is contagious.
Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.
Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.
Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with “A” then “B” and so on through the alphabet.
Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.
Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
Chew gum... if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.
Try to raise one eyebrow.
Crack your knuckles.
Twiddle your thumbs.
Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.
When the service gets long, write the time on the back of a bulletin, hold it up for the preacher to see, and up date it every five minutes.
Grab the bulletin and start redesigning the church symbol.
Make faces at the person on the other side of the room and see if you get other peoples attention.
Produce your own light show with the overhead projector. Mouth the word "lightning" to the pastor.
Say "Amen" every time the pastor says "Lord" or "Father."


Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
Clap when the good guy gets killed.
During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"
Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"
Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
Tell the man selling popcorn that the bathroom is flooding.
Yell out what is going to happen.
Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Hahaha!" and run away.
Say that they cannot sit next to you because you invisible friend already is.
Dress for every movie as if it were the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Use empty chairs next to you as catapults with candy. Aim at specific people behind you and see if you can hit anyone in the back row.
Wear 3d glasses. Complain loudly how bad the effect are.
Bring a flashlight. In the middle of the film do shadow puppets on the ceiling.
Bring a remote control. Complain that you can't change the channel.
Sit front row, the minute the movie starts run out screaming.
Every time a character's name is mentioned do the Richmeister. (for a guy named Nick say, the Nickmeister, the Nickenator, Nickarino...)
Bring a beach ball. Toss it around.
Try to start a wave.
Become a bookie. Take bets on who will die first.
Sit in the back and throw eggs at the projection window.
Every time someone curses cover your ears and scream, "No profanity!"
Sing with the theme music.
Bring and use your own air freshener.
At the ticket booth, request tickets for really old movies, "I'll have two tickets for the Goonies."
Throw spit wads on the screen. Try throwing them on the upper part of the screen so they can't get scraped off.
Pass around a collection plate and see if anyone contributes.
Point a laser pointer at the screen. Give the audience a laser light show.
Bring a book and a bright light. Start reading the book with the light on. When someone asks you to turn out the light, yell, "Shh, I'm trying to read!"
Use binoculars. Stare at the audience rather than the movie.
Bring a Nintendo laser gun. Shoot at the screen.
Clap loudly every time a person walks into the theater late.
When someone kicks the back of your chair, scream, "Ahhh, whiplash!"
Ask what the theater's return policy on popcorn is.
Ask the person at the ticket window, "Do you work here?"
Start a standing ovation at the end of the movie.
Quote all dialogue 4 seconds after it is said on the screen.
Get up frequently and leave the room while singing "Let's all go to the Lobby to get ourselves a treat"
Every time there is a gun shot scream, "Hit the floor!", jump on the floor, and cover your head.
Wear one of those "cat in the hat" top hats.
Get 3 people together and act like you are Crow, Tom Servo, and Joel from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Before the movie starts, stand up, and imitate the Truth commercial saying, "The makers of this film couldn't find any way to make their characters rebellious, rockin, or cool so instead, they'll just smoke."
When someone walks by you in the aisle scream, "Ahhhhhh! Bad Touch!"
Play musical chairs, getting up frequently and moving right next to someone sitting by themself.
Bring your own beanbag chair and sit in the aisle.
During a love scene, stand up and run to the screen shouting "Hooters!"
Before the movie begins, tape fart cusions to various chairs in the theater room.
Bring a portable air popper, pop your own popcorn.
Bring a watergun and shoot it at anyone who begins talking.
Tie a cardboard box around your waist and walk up and down the aisles shouting "Get your popcorn, peanuts!"
Cough really loudly right at the most important part of the movie, so nobody can here it, like when the killer’s name is going to be said.
Bring a flashlight and shine it on the walls or ceiling, in advance draw an outline o#@!uy screwing a chick (or perhaps another guy), then cut
out the outline and put it in front of the flashlight, so the image can be seen on the wall or ceiling.
Laugh hysterically during the sad parts in the movie, cry during the funny ones.
Smuggle in cans of roaches, locusts, ants, and other bugs that can annoy and reproduce quickly. You may even bring in some rats. Then sit in the very back, open the jars, and toss the bugs out on the ground. Since the floor is more slanted in the back the bugs will spread
throughout the theater faster. Be sure to be the first one to raise and scream "There’s a #@!roach crawling up my leg!" Then run out into the
lobby and start yelling "there’s #@!roaches in here!" Or "This theater is contaminated!" The theater will have to close down and fumigate the
showroom(s), and after this little "accident" no one will want to go back to the theater anyway!
Bring a pager or cellphone and set them off every 5 minutes, you can also set off a watch alarm if you have a loud one.
Say "Shhhhh" every 5 minutes.
Pass by a room that’s showing a movie you’ve already seen, put your head into the room, and scream the ending.


organize a bunch of people in one class to emit a low humming noise, keeping straight faces.
organize a whole bunch of people to fall off their chairs at the same time.
organize a whole bunch of people to drop their pencils/pens at a preset time.
superglue quarters to the floor, count how many people try to pick them up.
write fake love notes and slip them into people's lockers
if someone near you falls asleep in class, tie their shoelaces to the desk/chair.
lay a paper towel roll on the floor at the top of the steps and give it a kick, making sure you've taped the loose end to the floor already.
place chalk inside the erasers so the teachers end up putting big 'ol lines across the blackboard.
when you use the bathroom, get a LOT of soap on your hands (If it's the slimy kind), but don't wash it off, just leave goo all over doorknobs, railings, etc.
screaming gibberish in crowded hallways is always good for a laugh.
leave a Snickers bar in the toilet.
ask people to hold your hand when going down the stairs
Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.
Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos.
Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.
Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography.
Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it.
Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the other is King Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia.
Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.
Draw pictures of your professor in the margins.
End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds".
Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't possibly express what you had to say.
Hand your paper in in a sealed envelope with postmarks from several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several different perspectives on your work.
If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right?
If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists.
Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual. After all, he did tell you to include footnotes.
Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper, opera- style, and hand that in.
Make your paper one long, neverending sentence that goes on for pages and pages and pages; use alot of semi-colons, commas, and other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks (for example), an interesting one: the colon_ but never ever end the sentence _-/??.
Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild.
On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!". Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, "There's my paper!", then run outside to get it. Repeat this all through the period, or until the prof throws you out.
Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road.
Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.
Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows on the way to class.
Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had.
Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the time.
Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's whenevew you weawwy want to type r's ow l's.
Refer to all prominant historical figures by nicknames. For example, call George Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin "Sparky".
Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments.
Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in a bar so that you could see "sociology in action."
Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the picture as a resource.
Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.
TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..
Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you until the next full moon.
The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can't turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a "need to know" basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an 'A'.
Turn in a letter you wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while.(This is a nifty way to get an extension.)
Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor's desk.
Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the original.
Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's only a few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading.
When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.
When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in.
Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is "less filling" or that it "tastes great". Also explain why Aristotle would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosphers' reactions to Spuds McKensie.
Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor's door.
Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period.
Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.
Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies.

Other Drivers:

After you cut off a vehicle, give a "Thanks-for-letting-me-in" wave and nod to the other driver.
Always save your nose picking for when you're behind the wheel.
Drive closely behind speeding ambulances and fire trucks so you get ahead of everyone who pulls over to let them pass.
Drive with a pen and ATM envelope in your hand and write down everything a moron driver does.
If another driver honks at you, ignore it, continue to do exactly what you are doing, and give him a dirty look.
If another driver is courteous enough to let you in front of him/her, show your appreciation by letting the entire world in front of you, including tractor trailers and construction vehicles.
If for some reason you had to pull over on the shoulder, wait until a car is approaching to pull back onto the road.
If the driver behind you is honking and flashing his headlights because he is in some sort of an emergency rush, do NOT pull over to let him pass.
If you are driving fast, stick one arm out the window, twist your hand back and forth, and pretend to be an airplane as the wind lifts your arm.
If you are on vacation and you see any sort of wildlife, stop in your lane to take a lot of pictures.
If you get lost while driving, the best place to stop and get your bearings is at a green light.
If you have a car phone, use it as much as possible. If you have no one to call, hold the phone up to your ear and pretend.
If you need to stop to ask for directions, wait until there is a car behind you and stop in your lane to block traffic. Try to ask directions from either a 90 year old local, a deaf person, an illegal alien, or a child.
If you see a vehicle getting in your lane directly behind you, hit your brake pedal. The closer the vehicle, the harder you should press.
If you see an emergency vehicle traveling on the opposite side of a concrete divider, stop abruptly.
If your vehicle is capable of spinning its tires on dry roads, take advantage of this. Make as much black smoke as possible.
Keep your brake light blinking by keeping one foot on the brake pedal at all times.
Maintain flex-time at work so that you can drive around leisurely when others are rushing to get to work on time.
Make sure you have at least one of the following bumper stickers:
"I may be slow but I'm ahead of you"
"If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk"
"If you can read this, you're too close"
"I'd rather be skiing"
"I brake for no apparent reason"
On multi-laned roads, always drive at the same speed as the vehicle next to you. Try to "box" in drivers behind you, who are attempting to pass.
Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road.
Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles... like Styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers.
Use your driving time as an opportunity to have an intimate encounter with your significant other.
When approaching a curve in the road, slow down as if the road is ENDING.
When approaching a yield sign, either accelerate without looking or come to a full and complete stop.
When drivers ahead of you pull over to let emergency vehicles pass, accelerate so that they can not merge back into traffic.
When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane.
When driving in a lane that is going to end because of construction, ignore all the "LANE CLOSED - MERGE AHEAD" signs. Then wait until the last second and cut off the other drivers that had the common sense to switch lanes earlier.
When driving in heavy bumper-to-bumper traffic, always drive with at least 10 car lengths in front of you.
When having another vehicle follow you to where ever you are going, and a third car merges between you, drive 5 miles an hour just to make sure that your followers (who are 2 cars behind) can see you.
When picking up a passenger during the early morning or late night, in a residential neighborhood, stop in front of the house and honk the horn. Either a series of long honks or in a melody of a song such as "Shave and a haircut" is appropriate.
When there's traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH below the posted limit.
Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and slow down.
Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit.
While listening to your favorite song, let other drivers on the road know that your listing to your favorite song. The best way to do this is, is to steer the car with your knee, pretend to be holding a pair of drum sticks, and start beating away at the steering wheel and rear-view mirror. While the whole time bobbing your head all over the place.
While traveling down residential streets, drive 2 MPH and look at all the houses and landscaping. In fact, look everywhere except out the front windshield.
Women are encouraged to put on their make-up while driving.
You always have the right of way.
Your car stereo should be blasting music at approximately 900,000 dB.


Play with your food; to add effect, act like it's a special performance for the people at the next table.
Turn around every thirty-seven seconds to the people at the next table and ask them if your seat is too close, if you're talking too loud, etc.
Whenever you see someone getting up and leaving, bolt to their table and take the tip before the wait-person returns.
Eat REALLY loud; make disgusting noises; slurp EVERY time you take a sip of your drink.
Constantly re-adjust the positions of absolutely EVERYTHING at your table; seats, silverware, dishes, the table itself; and make sure to make a big production out of it.
Order something on the menu, preferably something very specific, then when it comes, claim it's wrong and you ordered something simple. Make a big production about the ineptitude of the help.
If shells are on the menu, order them and take them home. Come in the next day and say, "Those shells you sold me jammed up my shotgun! I want my money back!"
As soon as someone at a nearby table gets up, jump into their seat immediately, and claim you've been there the whole night. This is especially great when the others at that table are in on it.
Whenever anyone leaves their seat at another table, put some particularly messy peice of food on their seat.
Two Words: Food Fight.
Poke the person next to you repeatedly with your fork. If they try to retaliate, curl into a ball and start crying for your mother.
This only works if the person has their back to you. Select a single strand of hair from the person's head and pull gently. When they reach up to touch their hair or try to turn around, look at the ceiling or pretend to read the menu. Repeat constantly.
Tap your fingernails on the table top, ignoring any evil stares that come your way. (This works anywhere, not just restaurants.)
Hug yourself and rock backwards and forwards in your seat whilst muttering incoherantly. This will not only completely embarrass those at your table, it is also extremely annoying.
Help yourself to other people's meals. If they complain, pretend to stick your fingers down your throat and ask them if they'd like their food back.


Paint your windows.
Boil ice cream.
Join Hell's Angels by mail.
Redecorate your garage.
Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids.
Bury your fathers car. Tell your him the dog did it.
Challenge the neighbor kid to duel.
Climb a sidewalk.
Donate your brother's body to science.
Have your cat bronzed.
Hot wax the bottoms of your brother's dress shoes.
Learn to type...with your toes.
Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins.
Mow your carpet.
Paint your orange.
Pinstripe your driveway.
Plant a shoe.
Play Houdini with one of your siblings.
Plot the overthrow of your local School Board.
Pour instant concrete in your brothers waterbed.
Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets.
Rake your carpet (to clean up the clippings.)
Ride a loaf of bread.
See if you really can build a small nuclear device in your basement.
Speak in acronyms.
Take apart all your major kitchen appliances. Mix and match the parts.
Take your sofa for a walk.
Turn your TV picture tube upside down.
Wax the ceiling.

Your driver:

All passengers should pretend to have their own brake pedal.
Always grab the dashboard or doorhandle and yell "Whoa!"
Always tell the driver to slow down or speed up.
As a passenger, feel free to take your shoes off and smell up the whole car.
Constantly remind the driver of road conditions.
Every time you see a car do something that ticks you off, ask everyone in the car with you if it is included it on the "How to drive like a Moron" webpage.
Every time you see a car pulling out, yell to the driver "Watch it!"
Grab the steering wheel if you feel the driver can not deal with a traffic situation.
If there is a mirror on the passenger side door, it's there for the passenger. Feel free to adjust it at will.
Make sure that you put your chewed bubble gum into the ashtray, unwrapped.
No matter what lane the driver is in and where you are going, always tell the driver that we would be better off in the next lane.
Point to the left and tell the driver to make a right.
Point to the right and tell the driver to make a left.
When at a traffic light, inform the driver the millisecond the light turns green.
When being picked up as a passenger, bring a messy powdered sugar donut and a large uncovered cup of coffee. Then, complain whenever the driver hits a bump in the road.
When directing the driver to make a left turn, tell him to make a "You-turn". When directing the driver to make right turn, tell him to make a "Me-turn".
When giving directions, tell the driver to turn after you pass the intersection.
When giving the driver directions, always mean to say one thing and tell the driver another. Then when the driver gets confused and passes a turn, yell.
When in the middle lane in heavy traffic, tell the driver that you really need to be in the right lane. Then when you finally cut another car off to be in the right lane, tell the driver you made a mistake and that this lane is going to end.
When riding with other passengers, always jump in the front passenger seat and yell "Shotgun!"
When traveling straight, tell the driver to get into the left lane. A lane that suddenly becomes a "left-lane-must-turn-left".
Whenever possible, adjust all the dashboard controls, including the radio, heat, and fan.
Whenever the driver parks, get out and inspect whether or not the car is properly parked within the lines.


Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.
Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.
Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.
Hit strangers with your flutter board.
Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.
Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, "Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good...".
Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.
Swim near a stranger and say, "Dammit I knew I shouldn't have had watermelon before I came here.".
Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say, "HA-HA, fooled you!".
Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.
Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool.
Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.
When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.
Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say, "Wheee! I'm Batman!" while running around.
Hit strangers with your wet towel.
Throw people's things into the pool.
Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grande-finale.
Play Marco-Polo by yourself.
Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

Job Interveiew:

While shaking hands get into a heated thumb wrestling match.

Repeat everything your interviewer says, keep going until he or she yells at you. Then ask if you got the job.

Stick a piece of broccoli between your front teeth, smile a lot.

Sometime during the interview, frown and sniff suspiciously, ask the boss if he or she farted.

Pick your nose and wipe contents underneath the lip of your interviewers desk.

Bring in whoopie cushion, set it off, roll your eyes and look at your interviewer with disgust.

In the beginning of the interview pull out a gun and put it on the interviewer’s desk in front of you, then say, "Mind if I rest this here during the interview?"

Demand that if hired you want desk plate that reads, "Big Kahuna."

As you follow your interviewer to his or her office kick out their heels so that they trip and fall on their face, laugh uncontrollably.

Show up in your jogging outfit, run in place during the entire interview.

Bathroom excuse #1: Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, as you walk out the door make a loud fart noise with your mouth then sigh and say, "DARN!"

Bathroom excuse #2: Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, come back with the entire front of your pants wet.

Ask for a company Porsche.

Comment on how much you like your interviewer’s spouse’s picture, then take it and put it in your briefcase.

Some time during the interview slip some chiclets in your mouth, then sneeze as loud as you can launching entire contents in your mouth in his or her face, cover your mouth and say, "I sink I loth by theeth."

As you reach inside your briefcase pull out a sock puppet, introduce him as "Socko" and harass your interviewer with it.

During the interview reach over and grab at your interviewer’s face and say, "Got your nose" while clenching your fist, demand that you get hired or you won’t give back their nose.

Chew tobacco, spit in pencil holder.

Announce that you are committing a hostile take over of the company, fire your interviewer.

At the end of the interview end it with a three stooges eye jab followed by a smack to the forehead finish it off with a, "woo-woo-woo-woooooo...!"

WOW you must have been determined to read all that. I got them from lol!

38,935 words...holy SHIT

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Bound and Gagged by Queen's Chalice reviews
*UNFINISHED* Hermione and Draco hate each other, but there's a thin line between love and hate. When that line gets blurred, they find that what ensues is dark, more than a little twisted, and not entirely bad. HBP canon compliant. Contains spoilers. *ON INDEFINITE HIATUS*
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 19 - Words: 31,144 - Reviews: 121 - Favs: 112 - Follows: 192 - Updated: 4/11/2014 - Published: 3/11/2008 - Hermione G., Draco M.
Good girls have some naughty toys by KrystyWroth reviews
Draco tries to blackmail Hermione. You think he'd learn. She has been named the smartest witch in their year. But does he learn? No...
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 10 - Words: 75,677 - Reviews: 249 - Favs: 678 - Follows: 388 - Updated: 2/15/2014 - Published: 2/19/2009 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
The Shrinking Potion by hpdude47 reviews
Hermione and Draco are lab partners in Potions when a Shrinking Potion is overturned, shrinking one of them. Not telling which! Rated M for torture and sexual content.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Horror - Chapters: 9 - Words: 15,641 - Reviews: 99 - Favs: 79 - Follows: 106 - Updated: 6/11/2013 - Published: 6/16/2005 - Hermione G., Draco M.
Who Would Believe You? by writerchick13 reviews
And really, who would believe you? How do you love someone who took away your innocence? Rated "m" for rape. DracoHermione
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Tragedy - Chapters: 15 - Words: 18,619 - Reviews: 111 - Favs: 75 - Follows: 112 - Updated: 3/9/2013 - Published: 3/27/2007 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Glory of a Hero by Spanish Sunrise reviews
A girl failing history from the future is dropped into the past, the Civil War era, where she meets the dashing Robert Shaw. She joins the 54th regiment as his errand runner, and they develope an instant dislike. But when push comes to shove can love win? Unlikely.
Glory - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 42 - Words: 136,549 - Reviews: 567 - Favs: 111 - Follows: 112 - Updated: 1/31/2013 - Published: 5/12/2010 - Robert S.
The Baby Project by T.MARIA2007 reviews
Set in seventh year.The teachers bring forth a different kind of lesson...let's see how the student's fare when faced with the biggest test of all...
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 36 - Words: 144,545 - Reviews: 1658 - Favs: 1,486 - Follows: 1,548 - Updated: 9/3/2012 - Published: 2/23/2007 - Draco M., Hermione G.
PS: Please, Don't Disown Me by aej325 reviews
"And then Rose was muttering, 'Oh God' for a whole different reason than before. The door to the Room of Requirement was open. They were practically naked. And there stood her Uncle Neville." A story in which Rose and Scorpius are discovered in an compromising situation, and forced to write letters home explaining.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 17 - Words: 7,191 - Reviews: 297 - Favs: 141 - Follows: 209 - Updated: 6/15/2012 - Published: 7/12/2010 - Rose W., Scorpius M.
New World Order by Monilala reviews
Harry Potter has been defeated. Voldemort's "New World Order" has been put into place, a world where Muggleborn's have no rights and Pureblood's rule the wizarding world. Draco takes his place as part of the Elite with Hermione as his mistress.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 14 - Words: 18,658 - Reviews: 226 - Favs: 294 - Follows: 244 - Updated: 6/7/2012 - Published: 1/28/2011 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
The Missing Pieces by miruutan reviews
A collection of oneshots. Benlie and Gwevin with the odd friendship fic. Ben takes out the white-gold ring in his pocket, feeling it between his callused fingers. He can barely see it in the moonlight, but he's already memorized everything about it.
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 12 - Words: 34,867 - Reviews: 76 - Favs: 60 - Follows: 47 - Updated: 4/2/2012 - Published: 10/7/2009 - Ben T., Julie Y.
83 Moments of Ben by Skylark Evanson reviews
Ben being Ben. 83 times. How much better could it get?
Ben 10 - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Friendship - Chapters: 73 - Words: 38,876 - Reviews: 605 - Favs: 137 - Follows: 90 - Updated: 1/8/2012 - Published: 12/23/2009 - Ben T.
In The Office by MynameisInu reviews
Hermione was tired of walking in on her boss with women. How far will she go to make him wither in his chair and teach him a much needed lesson. ONESHOT! R&R! HermioneXDraco.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 7,301 - Reviews: 24 - Favs: 137 - Follows: 31 - Updated: 12/15/2011 - Published: 4/14/2010 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
This Didn't Happen by Cas di Angelo reviews
Hermione escapes to Myrtle's bathroom, but she isn't the only one who goes there... Random moments, set in HBP & DH
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3,620 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 16 - Updated: 5/9/2011 - Published: 10/7/2010 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Different Songs, For Different Moods by RandomHyperFreak reviews
A series of one-shots about Gwen and Kevin containg songs. Go easy on me please, this is my first Ben 10 AND one-shot series. Gwevin and BenOC
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 6 - Words: 5,035 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 6 - Updated: 4/10/2011 - Published: 11/25/2009 - Gwen T., Kevin
100 Moments in Time by Twilight Phantom Dragon reviews
100 oneshots, 100 moments, 100 snapshots into the Ben 10 universe, when will such insanity end? For the 100 Theme Challenge... Gwevin, some Benlie, Darkcaster, and Mytrax. Rated T in case of violence and language.
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 31 - Words: 66,377 - Reviews: 136 - Favs: 57 - Follows: 53 - Updated: 12/29/2010 - Published: 12/25/2008 - Kevin, Gwen T.
The Indian Princess by Super-Midget-Ninja1990 reviews
Gwen is the Native American Indian princess of her tribe who falls in love with the adventure bound Captain Kevin Levin. Gwevin/Benlie/Helnny. Based off the Disney movie "Pocahontas". I do not own Disney's "Pocahontas" or "Ben 10 Alien Force"
Ben 10 - Rated: K - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 10 - Words: 19,159 - Reviews: 30 - Favs: 27 - Follows: 22 - Updated: 12/18/2010 - Published: 8/22/2009 - Gwen T., Kevin
Short Wands by Darlingpai reviews
Rose has a small wand. Rose tells Scorpius he has a small wand. Cute drabble.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 808 - Reviews: 18 - Favs: 57 - Follows: 8 - Published: 12/12/2010 - Rose W., Scorpius M. - Complete
Atonement by SomethingBlue42 reviews
After Lord Voldemort’s victory, Hermione Granger is bought by Draco Malfoy, the Dark Lord’s most trusted servant. The longer she stays at Malfoy Manor the more she comes to learn that while Malfoy is vicious and unrelenting, not everything is as it seems.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 16 - Words: 29,017 - Reviews: 516 - Favs: 2,016 - Follows: 372 - Updated: 11/27/2010 - Published: 12/12/2007 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Open Windows by Salome Weil reviews
Hermione makes a crucial mistake with Ron and the consequences won't be pretty, unless Draco can rise to the occasion. But with his own demons to face, will he make the right choice? AU, Spoilers HBP, M for language and sexual reference, later violence.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 39 - Words: 121,850 - Reviews: 265 - Favs: 457 - Follows: 183 - Updated: 9/2/2010 - Published: 2/7/2010 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Hunted by Bex-chan reviews
Forced to work together when their old schoolmates start dying, Hermione & Draco must overcome their differences to solve the mysterious deaths. The tension in the office is getting rather...heated. Mature themes. 4years PostHogwarts/War. EWE. DMHG.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Mystery - Chapters: 36 - Words: 191,497 - Reviews: 2601 - Favs: 6,105 - Follows: 1,536 - Updated: 8/28/2010 - Published: 3/29/2010 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Look Past the Veil of Hate by MyLifeIsEdwardCullen reviews
All Human. Edward and Bella used to be best friends. Now they hate each other or so the other thinks . Will they realize what they’re missing out on and finally get together? Better than it sounds, give it a try!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 20 - Words: 78,729 - Reviews: 2807 - Favs: 766 - Follows: 725 - Updated: 8/17/2010 - Published: 10/18/2009 - Bella, Edward
The Bracelet by AkashaTheKitty reviews
Hermione has everything she could possibly want... Except a life. People are getting sick of her superior attitude, especially Draco Malfoy, who schemes to get her down, once and for all. And then there's the thing with The Bracelet... 7th year AR. COMPLETE SINCE 2009 XD
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 103 - Words: 303,727 - Reviews: 6626 - Favs: 5,569 - Follows: 2,394 - Updated: 7/7/2010 - Published: 12/6/2007 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Defiance by Veritas-amore reviews
Contrary to popular belief, being the daughter of Hermione Granger doesn't make me a prude. Neither does being British... Rose gets a little defiant and seeks Scorpius to aid her in her pursuit.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 7,402 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 53 - Follows: 7 - Published: 6/27/2010 - Rose W., Scorpius M. - Complete
Ben and Julie's Lemony days by Kisdota-The Freak Gamer reviews
I made this to balance out all the Bevin and Bwen fics I'm getting sick of ,no offense, this is Ben and Julie, it's a series of oneshots all rated M for sexual reasons, the first chapter contains bondage, YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Ben 10 - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 9 - Words: 14,845 - Reviews: 120 - Favs: 128 - Follows: 67 - Updated: 6/3/2010 - Published: 9/24/2009 - Ben T., Julie Y.
Alcohol and Ass by Always.Cryd.Confidently reviews
Hermione gets drunk during a Gryffindor Victory Party. Draco later catches said drunk Hermione masturbating. P?WP? Pure Lemony SMUT! One-Shot. M for a reason - full summary inside. Reviews Loved.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,434 - Reviews: 45 - Favs: 315 - Follows: 53 - Published: 5/30/2010 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Fragility by WashingWillow reviews
Bella is constantly bullied by Edward and the students of Forks High School. Both are hiding secrets that pain them. Yet it's only when they look closer do they see what plagues each other's past. And people can change, can't they?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 6 - Words: 8,686 - Reviews: 111 - Favs: 96 - Follows: 95 - Updated: 5/10/2010 - Published: 4/30/2009 - Bella, Edward
Black is Our World by IcyPanther reviews
DHr The war is over with Voldemort the winner. Nearly everyone has been captured or killed and hope now lies in a brave few. In a battle of light versus darkness, there can only be one victor. But that doesn't mean the victor wins. No one wins in war.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 31 - Words: 167,254 - Reviews: 1378 - Favs: 578 - Follows: 310 - Updated: 5/9/2010 - Published: 3/30/2005 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
The Mirror Series: That Which You Most Desire by RZZMG reviews
Draco Malfoy finds the Mirror of Erised. It becomes his outlet for his feelings about Hermione Granger over the years they're in school together. One-shot. FIC CHALLENGE. Dark themes. Dramione/dark Draco x Hermione. COMPLETE!
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,959 - Reviews: 65 - Favs: 354 - Follows: 76 - Updated: 5/8/2010 - Published: 4/11/2010 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
They Were The Future by Skylark Evanson reviews
Julie wasn't sure how much more she could stand of listening. She wasn't them. She wasn't part of Japan when they bombed. *first Benlie one-shot!
Ben 10 - Rated: K - English - Tragedy/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,260 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 23 - Follows: 4 - Published: 4/21/2010 - Ben T., Julie Y. - Complete
So Cold by RINTEND0 reviews
How is it that someone can give you everything, but you come away feeling like you have nothing? Your every need catered to, but the one that matters most. Very Mature, Dark Oneshot.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,757 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 26 - Follows: 4 - Published: 4/4/2010 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Alone in the Library by maja3322 reviews
Just before the Easter holiday Draco and Hermione are locked in the Hogwarts Library. And there they'll have to remain for a week. Can they be civil with each other? And why did Draco get them in this mess to begin with?
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 19 - Words: 42,645 - Reviews: 552 - Favs: 593 - Follows: 252 - Updated: 3/15/2010 - Published: 12/26/2009 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Restricted Actions by littledollface reviews
When she needed to get a book from the Restricted Section, Hermione thought the worst she’d have to deal with was a crazed librarian bent on revenge. Little did she know a whole other kind of trouble was lying in wait. AU 7th Year, dub-con, language. D/Hr
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,099 - Reviews: 36 - Favs: 210 - Follows: 39 - Published: 3/12/2010 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
DHr Drabbles: Where The Pieces Fit Together by inadaze22 reviews
All Draco/Hermione. All drabbles. All written for a variety of reasons, even boredom.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 20 - Words: 10,323 - Reviews: 336 - Favs: 264 - Follows: 106 - Updated: 2/20/2010 - Published: 12/12/2008 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Accidental Kiss by UbiquitousPhantom reviews
A horror movie, chocolate and an accidental kiss. Dramione. ONESHOT!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 858 - Reviews: 28 - Favs: 58 - Follows: 9 - Published: 2/9/2010 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
A Kiss To Make It All Better by Individual Narrative reviews
Five year old Hemione is on a camping trip when she finds a boy crying in the woods. She decides to kiss him to make it all better. Fluff and general cuteness.
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Friendship/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 831 - Reviews: 28 - Favs: 51 - Follows: 14 - Published: 1/24/2010 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Newest Cullen Addition by ambessa4eva reviews
It is 6 years post Breaking Dawn. Jacob and Nessie are finally a couple. But when they get carried away one night, could the consequence be another member of the Cullen family?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 19 - Words: 24,271 - Reviews: 302 - Favs: 107 - Follows: 74 - Updated: 1/17/2010 - Published: 2/17/2009 - Renesmee C./Nessie, Jacob - Complete
The Ghost by suprockstar reviews
He watched her scream and cry in agony, begging for it to all stop. He did not move, he did not protest. He could not run away, or cover his ears, for those simple actions, would ultimately reveal him. And now her ghost is haunting him.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst/Horror - Chapters: 1 - Words: 936 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 2 - Published: 12/28/2009 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Womanizer by the lil witch reviews
SONGFIC- Hermione is going to teach a womanizer a lesson he will never forget- A ONE-SHOT
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,074 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 2 - Published: 12/22/2009 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
The Perfect Thing In The Window by Skylark Evanson reviews
Kevin's with Gwen for the holidays. He's got her gift. It's perfect and the one thing she never would've expected. *A/N: HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYBODY!
Ben 10 - Rated: K - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,308 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 30 - Follows: 3 - Published: 12/22/2009 - Kevin, Gwen T. - Complete
Shattered by Skylark Evanson reviews
It's a fight gone wrong. Kevin's down for the count in the worst way. He's been shattered. *Rated T for one word
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Tragedy/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,682 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 18 - Follows: 5 - Published: 12/20/2009 - Kevin, Gwen T. - Complete
Gwevin Alphabet by S.Legossi reviews
A collection of one-shots based on Gwevin. Themes very from suspense to drama to adenture. Contians traces of Benlie, of you are a Gwevin fan you love this.
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Romance/Suspense - Chapters: 4 - Words: 2,669 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 13 - Updated: 12/17/2009 - Published: 11/8/2009 - Gwen T., Kevin
Lemon BenJulie OneShots by IceGirl2772 reviews
Just a random collection of smut stories I've written about Ben and Julie, all set in different realities. This is gonna be hot! Ben/Julie In Your Heart uploaded!
Ben 10 - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 8,290 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 48 - Follows: 28 - Updated: 12/14/2009 - Published: 6/1/2009 - Ben T., Julie Y.
Rape Me by TragedyDawl reviews
After getting rejected by Kevin, Gwen goes off on her own and meets up with Mike Morningstar who ends up raping her. After the incident, she goes into a depression so will Kevin figure it out and make her feel wanted? Oneshot Lemon.
Ben 10 - Rated: M - English - Drama/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,135 - Reviews: 24 - Favs: 37 - Follows: 11 - Published: 12/13/2009 - Kevin, Gwen T. - Complete
Be my hero by Twilightlover1518 reviews
Bella, Edward and Alice are all orphans, living off there love for each other. One day, Ms Willow, there overseer, who was like a mother to them, turns up missing and is reported dead. Moving in her place is a man; Taylor Wilkins. Sum inside. Rate changes
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Suspense - Chapters: 34 - Words: 93,337 - Reviews: 360 - Favs: 82 - Follows: 64 - Updated: 12/9/2009 - Published: 7/1/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Alien Kidnapping by Kisdota-The Freak Gamer reviews
This is a Lemon one shot request that was asked after reading my Ben Julie Lemon series, Gwen was just minding her own business till someone decided to take her for a ride. M rating, Lemon
Ben 10 - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,808 - Reviews: 25 - Favs: 68 - Follows: 13 - Published: 12/8/2009 - Gwen T., Kevin - Complete
The Little Things That Matter by Sonicfries reviews
A Series of Oneshots revolving around the trio, mainly Gwen and Kevin.
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 13 - Words: 9,887 - Reviews: 36 - Favs: 27 - Follows: 27 - Updated: 11/23/2009 - Published: 9/28/2009 - Kevin, Gwen T.
Bitter Sweet by GabzR reviews
Bella all her life Bullied by Edward Mason his girlfriend and his friend one day the beat her till the brink of death. She becomes a vampire and moves back to forks a year later to get revenge or will she fall in love
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 16 - Words: 47,358 - Reviews: 418 - Favs: 497 - Follows: 230 - Updated: 11/22/2009 - Published: 5/14/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Criminal Minds by Sonicfries reviews
When his Cousin is abducted by a psychopath, Ben and his grandfather look toward Kevin Levin in hopes that with one criminal mind they may understand another, but Kevin's motives seem to stray away from just being selfish.
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Suspense/Drama - Chapters: 3 - Words: 2,880 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 13 - Follows: 14 - Updated: 11/17/2009 - Published: 11/10/2009 - Gwen T., Kevin
Forgivness by xXgoldenlightningXx reviews
Forgivness comes in many shapes in for, that is what really stands in charms way XD
Ben 10 - Rated: M - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,802 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 26 - Follows: 7 - Published: 11/15/2009 - Gwen T., Kevin - Complete
Through A Father's Eyes by BadgerInMySoup reviews
The eight times Ron Weasley met Scorpius Malfoy. Includes panic attacks, threats and Firewhisky. Scorpius/Rose.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,601 - Reviews: 91 - Favs: 465 - Follows: 44 - Published: 11/3/2009 - Scorpius M., Rose W. - Complete
The Master's Tool by DarkRiverTempest reviews
Under his father's orders, Draco is entered into a charity slave auction in an effort to rebuild the Malfoy image after the end of the war. When his Master claims him, he's inadvertently drawn into a game he wants no part of.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Drama/Horror - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,721 - Reviews: 41 - Favs: 101 - Follows: 38 - Published: 11/2/2009 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Trust Me by plum-dulce reviews
Starting college and meeting new people. Can Gwen forget what happened in past or will she let it affect her future? Uhhh... i really dont know how to write a good summary, that was really bad. Gwevin
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,889 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 9 - Updated: 10/13/2009 - Published: 10/12/2009 - Gwen T., Kevin
Whips, Chains and Prisoners of Love by kutnerlove reviews
Hermione is taken prisoner by the Death Eaters and given to Draco as a slave for public breaking in. Draco is unwilling b/c of their history and the newfound disgust he has for Voldemort's followers. Can he save a girl who was once his enemy?
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 25 - Words: 28,108 - Reviews: 139 - Favs: 289 - Follows: 113 - Updated: 10/13/2009 - Published: 8/24/2009 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
He Doesn't Love Me by persistentillusion reviews
When she married it was not for love, the marriage law was passed- and she was essentially bought by the highest bidder
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,508 - Reviews: 110 - Favs: 596 - Follows: 87 - Published: 9/27/2009 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Rising Storm by Pink Paramore reviews
Sequel to "Breaking Day". The Cullens have finally moved from Forks to protect Nessie and Jacob from the Volturi. But other covens have begun to raise questions about the prophecy - and Nessie and Jacob have a dark secret of their own to worry about.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 39 - Words: 83,089 - Reviews: 639 - Favs: 136 - Follows: 105 - Updated: 9/24/2009 - Published: 8/13/2009 - Renesmee C./Nessie, Jacob
A Splash of Science by House of Spades reviews
Kevin being… Well, Kevin! But this time, he has science on his side. Rated for obvious reasons. R&R! MAJOR GWEVIN!
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,236 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 35 - Follows: 4 - Published: 9/5/2009 - Kevin, Gwen T. - Complete
The Better Claim by Salome Weil reviews
The Battle for Hogwarts was lost, but Hermione was captured before she could help Harry find the last key to destroying Voldemort. Imprisoned as a slave for Death Eaters, will she accept Draco's help so she can survive? M for language, sexual content.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Hurt/Comfort/Drama - Chapters: 23 - Words: 71,507 - Reviews: 195 - Favs: 424 - Follows: 145 - Updated: 8/25/2009 - Published: 3/31/2009 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Universal Requiem by BunBunBabe reviews
Kevin, Ben and Gwen are back in a new adventure with a lot of action,humor, romance and all the smoothie breaks you could ask for. Old and new alliances are brought together to go up against a unstoppable foe. Sequel to Kevin's Folly. Enjoy. Please R&R
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 6 - Words: 15,144 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 7 - Updated: 8/18/2009 - Published: 5/1/2009 - Gwen T., Kevin - Complete
How Draco Malfoy And His Banana Seduced Hermione by Eicklehart reviews
The way Malfoy was peeling that banana did strange things to Hermione's insides. Clutched in his hands, the half-naked banana looked slightly dirty and extremely indecent. Half smut, half sexual tension - all Dramione. Smutt, cursing and bad innuendos
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,439 - Reviews: 85 - Favs: 285 - Follows: 46 - Published: 8/18/2009 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
In His Head by youshouldbereadingmyfanfic reviews
Ben Ten: Alien force, through Kevin's Perspective. T for mild language and violence. Gwevin, Benlie.
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi/Fantasy - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3,282 - Reviews: 13 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 3 - Updated: 8/6/2009 - Published: 8/3/2009 - Kevin
Broken by inadaze22 reviews
He felt something close to pity for the woman in front of him. And while that disturbed Draco to no end, what really disgusted him most of all was the harrowing fact that someone or something had broken Hermione Granger’s spirit beyond recognition.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 36 - Words: 367,993 - Reviews: 5348 - Favs: 8,449 - Follows: 2,615 - Updated: 7/15/2009 - Published: 4/2/2008 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Black Knight, White Queen by Andarte reviews
When all their plans go wrong, Hermione finds herself a prisoner of the Dark Lord until Draco Malfoy claims her as reward. What is he hiding? Why is he protecting her? And is there hope for the Order after all? AU/AR.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Drama/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 6 - Words: 9,486 - Reviews: 47 - Favs: 195 - Follows: 56 - Updated: 7/7/2009 - Published: 6/7/2009 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Dawning Sun by Pink Paramore reviews
Six years after "Breaking Dawn", Renesmee is nearly eighteen years old, and she is beginning to experience new feelings for everything: her family, her lifestyle... and a certain wolf.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 24 - Words: 51,676 - Reviews: 333 - Favs: 284 - Follows: 95 - Updated: 7/5/2009 - Published: 6/8/2009 - Renesmee C./Nessie, Jacob - Complete
Ben 10 AFTER Homecoming Sequel by crystalquirt reviews
Forever Knights' Scientist Dr. Joseph Chadwick decides to use Gwen and Kevin to get to Ben. Violence, gore - descriptive surgery, non-consensual sexual situations, mild language. Gwenvin and Benlie
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi/Adventure - Chapters: 13 - Words: 30,534 - Reviews: 39 - Favs: 17 - Follows: 10 - Updated: 7/3/2009 - Published: 5/28/2009 - Ben T., Kevin - Complete
To Trust or Not to Trust by Thayer reviews
After an attempt at stopping the DNAliens goes completely awry Ben Kevin and Gwen are left separated and desperate. When they finally are reunited Kevin finds himself once again untrusted by the people he thought to be his friends. K/G some torture scenes
Ben 10 - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,940 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 12 - Published: 6/26/2009 - Kevin, Gwen T.
Broken by professionalhatstand reviews
Blood, a knife, and two hearts. What happens when your best friends don't notice change? What happens when she cries at night holding the blade to her skin? What Happens when she falls into the darkness? Who will bring her to the light? HGXDM
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 24 - Words: 41,701 - Reviews: 274 - Favs: 159 - Follows: 87 - Updated: 6/22/2009 - Published: 9/11/2005 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Hello, Professor Malfoy by kawaii-xx reviews
Hermione needs help in learning the art Who better to teach her than Draco? Who knew learning could be fun with Draco Malfoy as their teacher? I definitely knew. :D rated M for a reason.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 10,050 - Reviews: 74 - Favs: 73 - Follows: 176 - Updated: 6/12/2009 - Published: 9/12/2008 - Draco M., Hermione G.
You Are Beautiful by ohsnaptheresa reviews
HGDM. Non-con. One-Shot. COMPLETE.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Horror - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,213 - Reviews: 44 - Favs: 331 - Follows: 51 - Published: 6/5/2009 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Cloaked Indiscretions by Sparklystuff reviews
Hermione walks in on a naked Draco; no good can come of this. Takes place directly after DH, but I wrote this back before it came out. Quick lil' oneshot. Mild D/Hr :
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,444 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 34 - Follows: 6 - Published: 6/1/2009 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Vengeance Is Best Served Cold by halfie1981 reviews
Hermione teaches Draco an overdue lesson. Drabble. Warning: Dub Con, Bondage, mature adult content, breath play, NOT FOR KIDS!
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 338 - Reviews: 13 - Favs: 32 - Follows: 8 - Published: 5/15/2009 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Falling for the Enemy by House of Night reviews
Gwevin! Set a little bit before Alien Force. Kinda hard to summarize. After losing her family, Gwen runs off and joins Kevin. She never expected to fall in love with him. Rated T for language, violence, and talk about suicide. Chapter 7 up!
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 7 - Words: 14,177 - Reviews: 58 - Favs: 37 - Follows: 29 - Updated: 4/20/2009 - Published: 1/25/2009 - Gwen T., Kevin
In pieces by VikiCullen reviews
Not a songfic, I suck at summs. An insight in Dramiones not so normal/loving relationship. Abuse, sex, angst and cursing, be warned.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,095 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 2 - Published: 4/8/2009 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Best Friends Turn Best Lovers by LydiaLuvsEmmett91 reviews
Bella has always liked Alice. What happens one nite when Bella sees Alice naked? What will happen? Read and find out. ! LEMONS! Read FEM SMUT. ONE-SHOT!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,959 - Reviews: 43 - Favs: 135 - Follows: 32 - Published: 1/3/2009 - Alice, Bella - Complete
Captivity by Loogzuh reviews
Completely confused, Hermione awakes to find she is taken captive by Draco Malfoy... But why? With her memory obscured and her wand taken from her, things don't look well for the witch... First story, working progress. M for rape and language. Reviews? :D
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 11 - Words: 13,246 - Reviews: 67 - Favs: 26 - Follows: 57 - Updated: 12/30/2008 - Published: 12/21/2008 - Hermione G., Draco M.
Summer Sex Slave by RandomTyper reviews
Hermione lost a bet that she was sure that she would win. Now she must do whatever Draco Malfoys tells her to do. Rated M for smut
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,115 - Reviews: 98 - Favs: 435 - Follows: 191 - Published: 10/12/2008 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Illuminated by secretdiary reviews
Sequel to Blindsided. *Yeah, you heard me!* ...He knew it was her. Just what was he going to do about it?
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 16,394 - Reviews: 706 - Favs: 2,831 - Follows: 486 - Updated: 9/23/2008 - Published: 9/5/2008 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Blindsided by secretdiary reviews
ONE SHOT. DM&HG. MATURE. It's the last night of school, and Hermione Granger has something to prove.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 9,254 - Reviews: 1143 - Favs: 4,797 - Follows: 667 - Updated: 9/5/2008 - Published: 5/16/2005 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Forgive by Frizz07 reviews
He swore he’d always protect her, even if that meant breaking her heart and soul. Warning: Rape.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,029 - Reviews: 38 - Favs: 49 - Follows: 10 - Published: 8/21/2008 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Everlasting Love by Dragons Spitfire reviews
An intense romance fic. Secretly in love, Draco and Hermione go to war on opposite sides of battle. Longing for one another's kiss, their story is one of lust and passion, and the events leading up to such love. Rated for Sex,abuse,language,violence. R&R!
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 6 - Words: 13,223 - Reviews: 72 - Favs: 18 - Follows: 39 - Updated: 8/4/2008 - Published: 7/9/2008 - Draco M., Hermione G.
Moments of Sanity by SiriuslyPadfoot'sGal reviews
Hermione Granger becomes a healer and her first assignment is a longterm patient in the permanent ward. What happens when she discovers her first patient is none other than the Draco Malfoy and he's... insane? Complete.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 25 - Words: 90,878 - Reviews: 970 - Favs: 1,102 - Follows: 440 - Updated: 8/3/2008 - Published: 11/27/2004 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Miss Me Always by SomethingBlue42 reviews
“What’s the matter Granger?” Malfoy asked… “Miss me?” “Always,” she replied, smiling sardonically.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,905 - Reviews: 316 - Favs: 1,097 - Follows: 107 - Published: 7/24/2008 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Slave by Eternity85 reviews
Dramione smut! One-shot. Draco knows the perfect way to unwind after a long day at work.... Contains a twist. WARNING: Sexually explicit; further warnings inside.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,496 - Reviews: 65 - Favs: 462 - Follows: 96 - Published: 7/4/2008 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Stairs by snow winter reviews
Who knew fumbling down the stairs would be this nice....especially when a certain Slytherin's there to break your fall. A short, one shot fic DMHG pairing. Read and Review!
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,660 - Reviews: 68 - Favs: 128 - Follows: 25 - Updated: 6/29/2008 - Published: 6/4/2007 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Morning Shower by Emerald-Kisses reviews
Draco and Hermione are Head Boy and Head Girl. What happens when there's only one shower and both need to take one? Two-part oneshot! Please R&R. Enjoy. COMPLETE! First of the: Dramione Sexcapades Trilogy!
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 11,522 - Reviews: 583 - Favs: 1,928 - Follows: 425 - Updated: 5/9/2008 - Published: 5/8/2008 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Chapstick by DramioneLurver reviews
Draco Malfoy wakes up one cold winter morning in desperate need of chapstick. Yet he doesn't have any. Where can he find some? Blaise, his best friend? The Room of Requirement? The Hospital Wing? Hermione Granger, the Muggleborn Gryffindor bookworm? DMHG
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 10 - Words: 11,502 - Reviews: 66 - Favs: 71 - Follows: 41 - Updated: 5/9/2008 - Published: 8/30/2007 - [Draco M., Hermione G.] - Complete
First Kiss by Ivana Wright reviews
First kisses don't always occur in the most conventional fashion... Draco and Hermione pairing. Set during Chamber of Secrets. Possibly Canon. Hey, you never know...
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,932 - Reviews: 18 - Favs: 36 - Follows: 6 - Published: 4/23/2008 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
A summer with Granger by imslytherinatheart reviews
Draco has to go into hiding and gets stuck living with Hermione and her roommates for the summer. Draco gets a few surprises on the way. I own nothing but plot. HGDM. I'm rating M for just in case.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 23 - Words: 29,262 - Reviews: 311 - Favs: 374 - Follows: 154 - Updated: 4/21/2008 - Published: 11/29/2007 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Mommy's Portrait by WickedlyAwesomeMe reviews
Daddy told me I shouldn't go inside one room in the Manor. It's forbidden. His reason? Well, inside, there is something very beautiful, the most beautiful thing he had seen in this world that could... make me cry. Their daughter's POV. Dramione one-shot.
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Drama/Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,594 - Reviews: 146 - Favs: 394 - Follows: 67 - Published: 4/3/2008 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Broken Worlds Collide by selectivelysane reviews
Er..I suck at summeries(and spelling). Basically..Hermione and Draco cross paths and find they have more in common than they thought. WARNING: contains rape and abuse
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 8 - Words: 12,034 - Reviews: 64 - Favs: 35 - Follows: 41 - Updated: 3/29/2008 - Published: 8/14/2004 - Hermione G., Draco M.
Japanese Blossoms by inadaze22 reviews
The snow fell, the wind blew, the trees swayed, and the blond man with a heavy heart just stared. Draco supposed it was fitting that the beginning of their story was at the end of another.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 16,309 - Reviews: 236 - Favs: 1,304 - Follows: 159 - Published: 3/14/2008 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Lustful Encounters by HarryPotterFreak4Ever reviews
Blaise Zabini decides to play matchmaker & slips a lust potion into Hermione Granger's goblet. She acts on her lust for Draco & when morning comes are they both regretting their decision to sleep together? Or is everything going to end happily ever after?
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 6,097 - Reviews: 45 - Favs: 220 - Follows: 52 - Published: 2/2/2008 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Dangerous by mysticalpurple reviews
He was obsessed with all things like her... DARK! If you don't like NonCon then don't read! It is extremely dark, and you have been warned! ONE-SHOT DracoHermione if you can call it that
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Horror/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,180 - Reviews: 34 - Favs: 65 - Follows: 18 - Published: 1/19/2008 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Malfoys Don't Cry by Crookshanks.x reviews
Draco Malfoy is everything a Malfoy should be, except one thing. Well. Now there are two things. Malfoys never cry. Right? D/Hr. Oneshot. Enjoy.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,751 - Reviews: 148 - Favs: 562 - Follows: 55 - Published: 1/9/2008 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Everything Changes by inadaze22 reviews
“Thank you for cheating on me, Ron. It’s the best thing you could’ve done. Thank you for stopping me from making the worst mistake of my life.” My first Dramione story. Rated M for strong language and sexual content.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 17 - Words: 76,191 - Reviews: 1000 - Favs: 4,505 - Follows: 848 - Updated: 1/3/2008 - Published: 12/11/2007 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Neckties by DramioneLurver reviews
A certain Slytherin keeps losing his neckties. Where could they be disappearing off to? DMHG
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,223 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 145 - Follows: 23 - Published: 12/17/2007 - [Draco M., Hermione G.] - Complete
Thongs by lazer-angel reviews
Draco and Hermione discuss an interesting subject: Thongs. Drabble.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 456 - Reviews: 65 - Favs: 72 - Follows: 13 - Published: 12/12/2007 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
When Hell Freezes Over by fendiaddickt reviews
Hermione is sent to Azkaban to perform euthanasia treatments on convicted Death Eaters. What will she do when she finds out that the first in line is her worst enemy?“Fancy seeing you here Granger.”MMalfoy?"
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,340 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 33 - Follows: 7 - Published: 12/9/2007 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
His Patronus by Hazel-Buttafly reviews
Oneshot. Hermione is curious of the form her husbands Patronus. An awkward subject for him to endure, Draco refuses to answer.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,955 - Reviews: 138 - Favs: 558 - Follows: 79 - Published: 12/8/2007 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
The Broken One by Azure Darkness reviews
Just who is the broken one?
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 6,058 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 6 - Published: 11/21/2007 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
The Black Parade by Evil-Irish-Wolf reviews
A young Draco Malfoy sees the Death Eaters for the first time and has an unusual interpretation of the happenings. The Dark Lord makes a kind gesture and Lucius has a mild panic attack. Some implied Muggle torturing. Time line incorrectness. [To Artzii]
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,812 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 2 - Published: 11/15/2007 - Draco M., Lucius M. - Complete
Over Dramatic by MongolBerry reviews
Draco buys Hermione at the slave blocks and proceeds to teach her her place. It feels so good to teach her. Rated M for a reason. Will continue if enough people want me to. DM/HG
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 613 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 6 - Published: 10/22/2007 - Draco M., Hermione G.
And Then It Breaks by silvermisery reviews
Draco tries his hardest to break the cycle of mental abuse inherited from his father and his father before him. But can he do it? Implied Dramione. Oneshot.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Family/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,436 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 24 - Follows: 6 - Published: 10/15/2007 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Your Gaurdian Angel by xXxThe Phantom's RosexXx reviews
Hermione's father is dead, her mother is remarrying her longtime abusive boyfriend. Hermione has also been appointed Head Girl and it just so happens her Head Boy and rival is the only one who can help her. PLEASE READ AND REVIEW. warning: abuse.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 11 - Words: 12,178 - Reviews: 83 - Favs: 148 - Follows: 53 - Updated: 9/26/2007 - Published: 9/20/2007 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Edward and the Tampon by livelaughloveWRITE reviews
“What’s this?” He interrupted. He was holding a tampon. You’ve got to be kidding me. “It’s a tampon, Edward.” “What’s that?” I buried my face in my hands. This was not happening to me. “You really don’t know what it is?” “Do you eat it?”
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,599 - Reviews: 514 - Favs: 805 - Follows: 141 - Published: 9/15/2007 - Complete
When Forever Ends by Mandur-bby16 reviews
Hermione is trapped in an abusive relationship with none other then Draco Malfoy. She finally realizes it is time to leave him but yet there is only one way.R&R First FanFic
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,490 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 9 - Published: 8/25/2007 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
A Potion A Day Keeps Who Away ? by LolaCherryColaGirl reviews
Draco and Hermione are Potions Partners for a week. They're the smartest seventh years students, so it shouldn't go wrong should it? Watch how a few potions change their relationship in only one week.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 17,142 - Reviews: 147 - Favs: 131 - Follows: 45 - Updated: 8/22/2007 - Published: 3/11/2007 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
When Lions and Serpents Meet by pr3ttyxw3ird reviews
It's their final year at Hogwarts and Draco and Hermione are Head Boy and Girl. Voldemort is gone, Draco's dad is in Azkaban, Hermione is changed, and Draco protects her from an abusive boyfriend? What happens when you mix lions with serpents? R&R!
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 11 - Words: 37,734 - Reviews: 147 - Favs: 119 - Follows: 102 - Updated: 8/20/2007 - Published: 7/18/2007 - Draco M., Hermione G.
Beg by purefoysgirl reviews
This is a sequal to Cold As Stone. Draco tries out his newfound powers on his least favorite mudblood. Rated for coming chapters. Rape and violence so be warned, I don't write for children.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 8 - Words: 8,905 - Reviews: 48 - Favs: 79 - Follows: 28 - Updated: 8/11/2007 - Published: 8/9/2007 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Breaking the Rules by HarryPotterFreak4Ever reviews
Hermione Granger decides to break the rules and sneaks off to a club with some friends. While she's there, she runs into a certain sexy Slytherin that charms her into his bed and perhaps his life. One shot fic.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,072 - Reviews: 28 - Favs: 133 - Follows: 24 - Published: 8/10/2007 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
The Misfortunes of Virtue by Winter Ashby reviews
Draco steals away in the dead of night on orders from the Dark Lord to either kidnap or kill Hermione. But who is he really loyal to? [Draco & Hermione] DARK!FIC WARNING: Deaths, Inferi!Character, Necromancism: controlling the dead, gore, & Deathly Hallows AU
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Horror/Tragedy - Chapters: 12 - Words: 21,648 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 30 - Follows: 9 - Published: 8/2/2007 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Firewhisky by Rosarita Sauvage reviews
Hermione and Draco duel in the hallway and get sentenced to detention. Boredom brings on the Firewhisky... Laughter insues. Oneshot. Rated T for language and drinking.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,015 - Reviews: 66 - Favs: 166 - Follows: 26 - Published: 7/20/2007 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Sunday Night Sex Talk by Priah reviews
With only a trace left of 7th year, Hermione makes a startling discovery. She is given the task of providing her peers the sexual education they so desperately need, with Draco Malfoy as her only assistance. Too much sex talk with Malfoy can lead to interesting things... [This fic is being revised!]
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 13 - Words: 59,754 - Reviews: 1958 - Favs: 1,669 - Follows: 914 - Updated: 7/18/2007 - Published: 1/26/2004 - Hermione G., Draco M.
Not Just A Typical Day by sarahyyy reviews
During Potions class, Neville blows up his potion. What happens? Oneshot ridiculous Dramione drabble. -Runner up at Dramione Awards on LJ for Best Drabble-
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 334 - Reviews: 147 - Favs: 241 - Follows: 41 - Published: 7/7/2007 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
What If? by Punkindoodle reviews
"Granger, what if I told you that people who read too much are prone to live in a fantasy world, never find true love, and die alone in a house full of cats like that Figg lady?" He leaned on the table, his chin resting on his arms, staring at the book she held in front of her face. WINNER AT THE FIREWHISKEY FUNNY PG13 STORY CHALLENGE.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,300 - Reviews: 258 - Favs: 684 - Follows: 93 - Published: 6/19/2007 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
A Broom Closet Surprise by Erilyn Rose reviews
ONESHOTfor now. What will become of two enemies when they end up stuck in a broom closet together? DMHG
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,828 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 29 - Follows: 8 - Published: 6/9/2007 - Draco M., Hermione G.
The Memory Of Her Tears by LolaCherryColaGirl reviews
It's a memory that keeps him safe within the stone walls of Azkaban. It's the memory of her tears. DMHG Oneshot.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 529 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 21 - Follows: 6 - Published: 6/6/2007 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Rumors by alette reviews
When Draco Malfoy hears a rumor that Hermione Granger is going out with Ron Weasley, he is willing to do anything to find out the truth. DHr. AU. Oneshot.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 861 - Reviews: 40 - Favs: 98 - Follows: 18 - Published: 5/13/2007 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Locked in a Hall Closet by beautiful-gorgeous06 reviews
Hermione and Draco were accidentally locked in a hall closet during Harry and Ginny's engagement party. What's gonna happen? Find out and read!
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 498 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 29 - Follows: 9 - Published: 4/25/2007 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Sweet, Sweet Torture by OoHSiLLyME reviews
Seven years of frustration crept up on her and now she wanted payback. Draco Malfoy tied up and blindfolded in the room of requirement definitely granted some interesting possibilities... MATURE CONTENT DHr
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 2 - Words: 7,494 - Reviews: 58 - Favs: 49 - Follows: 51 - Updated: 4/21/2007 - Published: 10/3/2006 - Hermione G., Draco M.
A Christmas Dramione by mistress meo reviews
“Mistletoe! Mistletoe!” They both jumped at the sound of Peeves screeching down from the snowy ceiling above. “Look who’s been caught under the mistletoe!”.............A quiet Christmas Eve and guess who has prefect duties? ENJOY.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,808 - Reviews: 186 - Favs: 806 - Follows: 90 - Published: 3/11/2007 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Stuck by Neferteenie reviews
/-AU, DHr-/ Hermione is given detention, which is to be overseen by the Head Boy. But wait, why won't the door budge? They're stuck! For 48 hours! Oh dear Merlin, help us all.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 4 - Words: 8,732 - Reviews: 58 - Favs: 69 - Follows: 17 - Updated: 12/19/2006 - Published: 4/14/2006 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Cold Hearted Snake by angelrider93 reviews
Sick of Draco humiliating them the Slytherin girls recruit the one person capable of humiliating him fully and set out to teach him a lesson. DMHG rated for adult content and language! Extended due to so many requests and now COMPLETE
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 2 - Words: 5,601 - Reviews: 60 - Favs: 200 - Follows: 55 - Updated: 12/15/2006 - Published: 12/9/2006 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
A Helping Hand by SvenSchborsteinheimer reviews
Draco has a problem of mammoth proportions and, as a most dutiful Head Girl, Hermione decides to lend him a helping hand. AN: This fic contains explicit adult material. If you don't wish to read smut, this story probably isn't for you.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,356 - Reviews: 51 - Favs: 251 - Follows: 25 - Published: 12/13/2006 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Failed Angel by Ariellabella reviews
Hermione suffers from abuse and some who knows her pain helps her through. Warnings child abuse, spousal abuse, character death
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,850 - Reviews: 51 - Favs: 99 - Follows: 8 - Published: 11/21/2006 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Cry by FlyingFerret reviews
She had no idea of what to do. She had never seen him like this before. He look like a helpless child just sitting there all by himself.One shot song fic
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 903 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 1 - Published: 9/2/2006 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
The Ends of the Earth by SilverStar24 reviews
Ch 21 up! “Granger,” he said softly, his voice fading. What?” she snapped. “I know where to find one of the Horcruxes.” He saw the shocked look on her face for a fleeting second before he collapsed to the ground, unconscious. Post HBP. DMHG.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 21 - Words: 112,214 - Reviews: 2313 - Favs: 1,548 - Follows: 1,301 - Updated: 7/31/2006 - Published: 7/22/2005 - Draco M., Hermione G.
Terrifié by Calypso in Love reviews
Hermione is abused by her uncle. She's at Hogwarts, scared as always, but someone is noticing her strange behavior... Malfoy. And as he watches her, is he slowly falling in love with a girl who's terrified of him?
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 27 - Words: 64,483 - Reviews: 2850 - Favs: 1,576 - Follows: 1,034 - Updated: 7/30/2006 - Published: 5/29/2002 - Hermione G., Draco M.
Broken Hearts by diamondsr4evr reviews
he used her and abused her now thats her job based on hgdm please read and review
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 4 - Words: 7,418 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 3 - Published: 7/11/2006 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Too Random For a Title by IcyPanther reviews
My own little take on all of the cliché DHr ideas that I see floating around. DHr
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,695 - Reviews: 158 - Favs: 80 - Follows: 20 - Published: 7/5/2006 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Hermione's Adventures by DracoErotica reviews
WARNING: HARDCORE SEXUAL CONTENTEXPLICIT!. MATURE ADULTS ONLY. Threesomes, anal, oral, sex, slash. Hermione is left wanting, until she decides to satiate herself in the Room of Requirement.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,939 - Reviews: 438 - Favs: 1,271 - Follows: 280 - Published: 6/25/2006 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Moaning Mrytle's Bathroom by Mrs Pierre Bouvier reviews
A missing moment in HBP before Harry walks into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Along with another chapter that takes place two years later. DMHG
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,111 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 4 - Published: 5/21/2006 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
The Passion of Hate and Love by Callisto Callispi reviews
[WIP] It all started when they blew up Gryffindor's quidditch stands and were forced to serve a heinously long detention sentence...together! But it all got interesting thereafter. Hermione & Draco.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 22 - Words: 145,355 - Reviews: 1268 - Favs: 1,220 - Follows: 659 - Updated: 4/18/2006 - Published: 12/20/2001 - Draco M., Hermione G.
Tear You Apart by Kyra4 reviews
DMHG 7th Year. This story carries SERIOUS WARNINGS for dark themes. More specific warnings inside. Draco Malfoy is a bad boy. Draco Malfoy has a bad crush. Draco Malfoy is about to do some very bad things... COMPLETE
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 3 - Words: 17,042 - Reviews: 369 - Favs: 894 - Follows: 236 - Updated: 3/23/2006 - Published: 1/27/2006 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Climbing The Walls by jmalfoy reviews
Hermione's depression after a failed relationship takes a drastic turn when Draco Malfoy decides to interfere. Short Story!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 3 - Words: 19,646 - Reviews: 178 - Favs: 382 - Follows: 76 - Updated: 3/8/2006 - Published: 2/21/2006 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Bad to Worse by Kyra4 reviews
DMHG 7th year. Dark oneshot, heavy angst. More warnings in AN. Draco's day goes from bad to worse, to downright catastrophic. In a world where Polyjuice Potion can be bought and sold, he really should have known better than to believe his eyes.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,208 - Reviews: 124 - Favs: 180 - Follows: 46 - Published: 3/3/2006 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Charon's Gift by Philyra912 reviews
Oneshot PostHBP. On a joyless Christmas Eve, Hermione goes to visit the graves of the fallen. There she meets the man who destroyed her hope, and perhaps the only one who can give it back to her. 8/15/08: NOMINATED AT THE QUIBBLER AWARDS!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 10,200 - Reviews: 435 - Favs: 1,390 - Follows: 175 - Published: 1/14/2006 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Forbid Me Nothing by Lucilla Darkate reviews
DMHGBZ Hermione is sent to prison. Draco is in the next cell, Blaise Zabini is her lawyer, and nobody believes she didn't do it but a crazy man, a Death Eater, and the real killer. Continued at my livejournal, user name lucilla darkate
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 20 - Words: 29,810 - Reviews: 174 - Favs: 76 - Follows: 87 - Updated: 1/14/2006 - Published: 12/28/2005 - Hermione G., Draco M.
When Everything is Gone by Hidden Ghost Writer reviews
Hermione's parents are dead and her house is taken away. She is forced to live in a orphanage where her knew friends teach her how to earn money on the streets of london. Who finds her at her new job? None other than Draco Malfoy. Rated for sexual content
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,737 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 10 - Published: 1/9/2006 - Hermione G., Draco M.
Her only escape by Cuteblndegoddess reviews
Draco runs into Hermione five years after Hogwarts, he realizes she is keeping a huge secret and tries to help her. Rated M for sexual content, rape and violence but not from any main characters. HBP spoilers
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 17 - Words: 48,971 - Reviews: 577 - Favs: 695 - Follows: 192 - Updated: 12/13/2005 - Published: 11/15/2005 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Snowflakes by Sarah Rosemont reviews
Warning: incest, rape.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 549 - Reviews: 24 - Favs: 63 - Follows: 19 - Published: 11/23/2005 - Draco M., Lucius M.
Tears by Dina Dissendium reviews
What happens when Hermione catches Malfoy crying in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom? HBP spoilers. [ONE SHOT]
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,115 - Reviews: 70 - Favs: 45 - Follows: 23 - Published: 11/13/2005 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
In Flames by Lucifer's Garden reviews
One shot: A prank by the visiting Weasley twins causes some surprising benefits for the Head Boy and Girl. DMHG
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,919 - Reviews: 100 - Favs: 779 - Follows: 82 - Published: 11/5/2005 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Dry Ice by Tsebi Arkao reviews
Hermione Granger has had the worst summer ever, bar none and she's alone in the world. When she returns to school she finds solace in the last place... a Malfoy. Rated Mature for language, some sex in later chapters, graphic violence, and rape.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 4,636 - Reviews: 35 - Favs: 13 - Follows: 24 - Updated: 10/14/2005 - Published: 10/8/2004 - Hermione G., Draco M.
Not All Bad by Sirenfox reviews
Hermione has just seen Ron with someone else and is found by Draco crying and injured on the flood in a puddle of bathroom water. Will he help her? sorry about spelling Mertles name'll know
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,272 - Reviews: 32 - Favs: 84 - Follows: 19 - Published: 10/7/2005 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace by guilty until proven innocent reviews
COMPLETE! When Draco looked at the unemployed list, a name caught his eye. Hermione Granger. She had no job... and he had just the one for her. She was going to be a nanny for his spoiled kids. This was going to be fun.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 34 - Words: 44,564 - Reviews: 1015 - Favs: 712 - Follows: 199 - Updated: 7/13/2005 - Published: 5/11/2005 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Somnio Eternus by finally-defeated reviews
Torn apart as realization dawns upon the Gryffindor Golden girl, a potions class goes awry and she is transported back into the medieval times with none other than the not so despicable Draco Malfoy. Bitter sweet DHr. Side G?. Complete
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 29 - Words: 115,829 - Reviews: 1378 - Favs: 948 - Follows: 197 - Updated: 6/28/2005 - Published: 8/10/2004 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Wrapping Presents by inell13 reviews
Hermione teaches Draco the proper way to wrap a gift
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,752 - Reviews: 37 - Favs: 115 - Follows: 15 - Published: 2/27/2005 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Snow Kiss by SilverOrb reviews
What you get when you throw Draco, Hermione and a bunch of hormones into Hagrid's cabin. Short and sweet. Draco's POV. Check out Hermione's side of the story at Blizzard Kiss.
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,378 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 23 - Follows: 2 - Published: 1/25/2005 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Fallen Angel by Beeka reviews
Draco keeps an ex school enemy as prisoner. 'Draco leans in close Hermione can feel his warm breath on her tearstreaked face. She blinks slowly as water droplets from his hair drip over her face once again.' WARNING: rape, suicide. Oneshot!
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,405 - Reviews: 53 - Favs: 71 - Follows: 11 - Published: 10/27/2004 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Underneath it all by cedari reviews
Despite the pain, the bruises she stayed with him. He was the abuser, she the forgiver. They were perfect for one another. (one shot)
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,155 - Reviews: 13 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 2 - Published: 10/15/2004 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Broken by Kaolin reviews
Hermione reflects... Rated PG13 because of abusive!Draco insinuations. (DHr drabblet)
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 366 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 4 - Published: 7/1/2004 - Hermione G., Draco M.
A Desperate Love by Hatusu reviews
COMPLETE! Hermione is captured and thrown into a dungeon by none other than Lucius Malfoy! How will she react when she finds that she is at the disposal of Draco?
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 25 - Words: 58,913 - Reviews: 763 - Favs: 555 - Follows: 98 - Updated: 6/17/2004 - Published: 8/5/2003 - Hermione G., Draco M. - Complete
Shattered Innocence by Ailee reviews
Returning to her 7th year at Hogwarts, Hermione is tortured by her past, and can no longer seem to feel. Her friends can't seem to reach her, and she may find soliace in some unexpected ways. A very dark fic dealing with abuse, rape, murder, sex, and grap
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,390 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 3 - Published: 5/26/2004 - Draco M., Hermione G.
Gone Bad in the Closet by B-Rocs reviews
Due to a humerous series of events, Hermione and Malfoy get locked in a broom cupboard. Hermione finds a new side of herself when they find thngs to do to pass the time?
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,184 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 44 - Follows: 6 - Published: 12/31/2003 - Hermione G., Draco M.
Cuffed by BeadsOfGrace reviews
FINAL CHAPTER UP MAKE SURE TO READ AN During Muggle Studies, a rather...interesting accident occurs, which results in Draco and Hermione being handcuffed together...romance blooms
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 15 - Words: 37,554 - Reviews: 749 - Favs: 510 - Follows: 82 - Updated: 12/17/2003 - Published: 12/7/2003 - Hermione G., Draco M.
Journals by cyropi reviews
Draco Malfoy, the Head Boy, is depressed and has an unusual method of self-harming to cope with it. Of course it’s only so long before Head Girl Hermione finds out about it… but could her wish to help him change into something more? DHr.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 21,997 - Reviews: 376 - Favs: 554 - Follows: 84 - Published: 11/22/2003 - Draco M., Hermione G.
A Woman Without A Name by Veeshan Dragonheart reviews
A woman left alone, without parents to guide her, and riddled with strange powers she doesnt understand. Where did she come from, and who are her parents? Rated R sexviolence. DMHG
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 4 - Words: 15,513 - Reviews: 43 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 3 - Updated: 11/17/2003 - Published: 9/2/2003 - Draco M., Hermione G.
Raped of Innocence by Bloodlust Butterfly reviews
Now a desendent of the Pureblood Malfoy line.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Poetry/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 179 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 2 - Published: 10/20/2003 - Draco M.
Summer Home by GreenSliver08 reviews
Hermione's life has been very sheltered. And a certin Slytherin will teach her something she dosn't know anything about
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3,587 - Reviews: 27 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 8 - Updated: 9/30/2003 - Published: 9/8/2003 - Draco M., Hermione G.
Masseuse by Adele Elisabeth reviews
Draco and Hermione are locked in a bathroom. Whatever shall they do? [probably only PG13, but I was being careful]
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,427 - Reviews: 36 - Favs: 22 - Follows: 7 - Published: 8/21/2003 - Draco M., Hermione G.
Having Fun With The Devil by Devilzzz reviews
*Completed* Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy are in their sixth year and starting a dangerous new game of war. They compete against each other in seduction, and sexual harassment is always welcome. But what happens when things go extreme?
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 20 - Words: 37,095 - Reviews: 889 - Favs: 496 - Follows: 84 - Updated: 6/6/2003 - Published: 2/18/2003 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
Nobody's Girl by Archica reviews
Alternate Universe fic where all Muggles are dead and Mudbloods are slaves. What happens when Hermione becomes the slave of Draco Malfoy?
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 15 - Words: 28,436 - Reviews: 462 - Favs: 459 - Follows: 129 - Updated: 4/2/2003 - Published: 3/11/2003 - Draco M., Hermione G.
Cry by Khaila reviews
Hermione witnesses a rare moment of Draco's
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,244 - Reviews: 48 - Favs: 79 - Follows: 5 - Published: 1/6/2003 - Draco M., Hermione G. - Complete
An Abused Child by Usagibuffy reviews
Someone reflects on the abuse in his life. Rated PG-13 for child abuse.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,033 - Reviews: 35 - Favs: 51 - Follows: 12 - Published: 1/3/2003 - Draco M.
Their Room by aleximoon reviews
This is a Draco/Hermione fic. Basically, they're forced together for a class project and things take off from there. It's awfully long. **FINISHED!!!!!**
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 31 - Words: 110,918 - Reviews: 3165 - Favs: 3,520 - Follows: 684 - Updated: 7/24/2002 - Published: 8/29/2001 - Hermione G., Draco M.
Wild Honey by 88997766 reviews
Everything Draco's ever known changes when he walks in on a group of mudblood thirsty Slytherins torturing Hermione. Rated R for some graphic stuff.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,848 - Reviews: 280 - Favs: 279 - Follows: 50 - Published: 5/31/2002 - Draco M., Hermione G.
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Truth or Dare: Alien Force Style! reviews
The Alien Force has FINALLY convinced their parents to let the four have a sleepover. But what happens when Ben suggest the classic TRUTH OR DARE! I NEED you to give original dare suggestions for this one, so suggest any funny dares! No cliches allowed!
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 12 - Words: 17,633 - Reviews: 196 - Favs: 43 - Follows: 41 - Updated: 12/10/2010 - Published: 7/25/2009 - Kevin, Gwen T.
Numb reviews
"I've become so numb, I can't feel you there..." Songfic to Numb by Linkin Park. Draco one-shot. First Harry Potter fic. Written impromptu. Please tell me how it is! T for Violence, but if you are fazed by blood, don't read. Not for the average "T" reader
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Angst/Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,188 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 3 - Published: 5/28/2010 - Draco M.
Somebody Save Me reviews
Hermione is going through a big depression. Her mother drinks and her stepfather beats and abuses her sexually. Who will save her from her suicidal cutting and abusive stepfather? DracoHermione.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,887 - Reviews: 35 - Favs: 36 - Follows: 52 - Published: 2/4/2010 - Hermione G., Draco M.
Revenge can be Cold: Sometimes it can kill reviews
Kevin felt the electricity practically rip him inside out. He let out a scream of agony. "Where is Ben Tennyson," demanded a cold voice. Kevin and Gwen get tortured to lure in Ben. Vilgax has grown smarter these years...
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Romance/Horror - Chapters: 6 - Words: 6,756 - Reviews: 96 - Favs: 18 - Follows: 38 - Updated: 2/1/2010 - Published: 8/4/2009 - Gwen T., Kevin
Taken reviews
This is a combination of the movie "Taken", and Ben 10. Set in a very Alternate Universe. It is pretty much the movie with Ben 10 characters. Better summary inside. This will go to M when the rape parts of the movie come on. So please RR. AU, OOC a little
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Angst/Suspense - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,241 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 8 - Published: 1/15/2010 - Gwen T., Kevin
Trick or Treat! reviews
Me, Ben, Kevin, Gwen, and Julie all go trick or treating. You will be surprised at who and what goes trick or treating...Complete humor! Just a little tidbit for the Halloween time of year. Tell me who the guy is dressed as! Confused? Read to find out!
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 1,666 - Reviews: 18 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 6 - Updated: 1/11/2010 - Published: 11/1/2009
Unknown reviews
A thrilling story about Kev's past. MUST-READ. GWEVIN and and very little, if any BENLIE. AND IF YOU THINK ANYTHING OTHER THAN GWEVIN PM ME AND I WILL DESTROY YOU AND DANCE OVER YOUR FLAMES! Er, I mean, I will have a little *chat* with you.*LAUGHS EVILLY*
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 6 - Words: 6,498 - Reviews: 76 - Favs: 16 - Follows: 20 - Updated: 1/11/2010 - Published: 6/15/2009 - Kevin, Gwen T.
International Fanfiction Ben 10 Contest, or IFBTC reviews
Contest: International Fanfiction Ben 10 Contest, or IFBTC. All pairings, all ratings, from K-M. DETAILS inside. DO NOT MISS OUT! I WANT EVERYONE TO PARTICIPATE, AND I KNOW THAT THERE ARE OVER ATLEAST 100 WRITERS FOR EACH PAIRING! WRITE! Details inside
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 2 - Words: 803 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 1/11/2010 - Published: 10/19/2009
Interviews: Ben 10! reviews
This is a fanfic where YOU ask the questions, and the Ben 10 Characters answer them! I need atleast 5 questions to update a new chapter! This is like a typical interview, and you can address the the question to the author, or any number of characters! RR!
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 6 - Words: 8,867 - Reviews: 52 - Favs: 17 - Follows: 11 - Updated: 1/11/2010 - Published: 9/8/2009
Escape reviews
An angsty Gwendolyn/Kevin 10,000 story. "Why me? How could you? Why Devlin? Why did this to me and my baby? WHY!" REVIEW!
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,234 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 14 - Updated: 1/11/2010 - Published: 10/28/2009 - Gwen T., Kevin
Breaking apart reviews
Gwen has been working way too hard to find a cure for Kevin, and she has become an empty shell physically and mentally. She is breaking apart, and she has lost interest in every other aspect of life. If someone doesn't stop her, she will crack. Literally.
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Romance/Tragedy - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,794 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 13 - Updated: 1/11/2010 - Published: 12/10/2009 - Gwen T., Kevin
Blackmail reviews
Just come with me," Kevin whispered sotly, his eyes glinting dangerously. Gwen turned her head away, refusing to look him in the eye. Kevin frowned and harshly grabbed Gwen's wrist, grazing his lips down her shivering neck. A dark Gwen/Kevin 11. Lemons 2
Ben 10 - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 3 - Words: 2,241 - Reviews: 60 - Favs: 40 - Follows: 40 - Updated: 1/11/2010 - Published: 11/23/2009 - Gwen T., Kevin
Ben 10 Alien Force: IM Style! reviews
This when the Alien force gang gets on Yahoo IM! Humor, and rated T for the screen names :D and some of the content. mind just fails to keep things clean....XD Read and Review!
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,011 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 8 - Updated: 1/11/2010 - Published: 11/23/2009
Alien X Revealed reviews
We don't know what this is, but it wants to torture Kevin and Gwen. Alien X wasn't always '2' and the trio thought. It was '3'. The third with dark goals. The third being in Alien X wanted to torture, and kill Kevin and Gwen painfully. Suspense. Scare. RR
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,759 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 7 - Updated: 1/11/2010 - Published: 7/29/2009 - Gwen T., Kevin
Alien Force Dares! reviews
This is an alternative to my story Truth or Dare, since that story took on a darker theme temporarily. Don’t worry; it will get happy, but for now, this is the replacement! Give dares! All pairings, and this is HUMOR! Have fun! Get ready for laughs!
Ben 10 - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 591 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 1/11/2010 - Published: 10/14/2009