Author has written 34 stories for Greek Mythology, Twilight, X-overs, Rite of Spring/Le sacre du printemps, V for Vendetta, Misc. Movies, Norse Mythology, Unforgiven, Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles, But I'm a Cheerleader, Aliens/Predator, American Gods, and Muppet Show.
"Maybe someday, Justice and Humanity will live anew." - Anna Trauman, a lesbian Jew killed in the Holocaust, in her last letter to her partner Stephanie. (A quote, one of many, from ffn authoresse Meneldur
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2015
Dealing with grief
I thought I dealt, or didn't 'deal' but 'lived' with grief, and then I read how Björk is dealing with, suffering through, her grief. grapevine.is/mag/feature/2015/02/06/bjorks-folk-music At least she mourns, she rages, she's knocked down and stunned by grief. Me, I just ... bow down and bear it, suffering, wallowing, and I'm like ... I have a long way to go, don't I?
Which is to say, it's been ... tough. Fired/quit my job on Friday, and all weekend, just ... busy, a neighbor's 40th birthday party, so I had to be nice and fun and congratulatory for her and her family, and the whole time I'm just wondering: My life is such a mess! Will I ever make it to 40? Will I want to? She, Caroline (yes, CAROLINE!) is 40, and preggers (yes!) with baby number ... 6? and is working the family farm, slaughtering chickens and rabbits, and so flush with happiness, and here I am, and ... what have I done with my life? No life, jobless loser! Well, at least I updated this story, you know. I don't know why I'm writing this, maybe to beg your indulgence that maybe sometimes 'The Author(esse)' has troubles of her own and sometimes it's hard to update soon.
Which is just bullshit, because this whole weekend all I wanted to do was to write this chapter. You want me to update soon, but not as much as I want to get that update out there. What really hurts as a writer is not to be writing, but it just seems to me that all of my life is conspiring against me not to write. Like, this weekend? All I wanted was to be left alone, but I just wasn't.
But, then again, I did have fun at the party and was happy for Caroline and ... I don't know: what would have happened to me if I weren't bugged and I was left alone?
I suppose I'll go find another job and go back to pretending I'm a normal, well-adjusted person and that everything is 'fine.'
I finished a story. For once in my life. Victoria Alone, and 'life' goes on for Victoria, but she, and Summer, got their happy ending, even as life goes on, and I'm happy for a character I wrote, that she got a happy ending, even though life goes on, and I wonder what that feels like, but I know how it feels, for special times in my life, that happy ending, that happy now when you're with somebody you love who loves you and life is going great enough that you're enjoying it, your life, your job, your dear, dear, dearest one and you're fine even with you.
I like that feeling when I've got that, that things are going fine and you're fine because you actually are.
If you have that now, don't hold onto it with a strangle-hold (because you won't, you'll just glide through that groove, anyway), and if you're not having that now, go out and get that, or dive in deep enough to wipe away those bitter tears, then dive up out of yourself, look around you, and then go get that, your happiness.
p.s. "Which is just bullshit, because this whole weekend all I wanted to do was to write this chapter." Not true. All I wanted to do this weekend, and now, is something else. But I'm a strong, capable, independent woman. I'm a big girl now, and big girls don't cry, do they?
They don't have time to cry, and if they're seen crying, it just reinforces everything, doesn't it? "Oh, it's okay, dearie, we understand!"
When they don't, they don't at all, but it's just confirmed in their minds the whole women-can't-play-in-the-big-leagues, so then none of us can break down or be weak, because then we betray all of us.
I guess I'm not such a big girl, after all. Am I.
I really don't want your pity, nor your understanding. I know you pity me, and you do understand. I know this, and thank you, really: some of you have pulled me through when I simply couldn't.
I don't. I don't pity me. I hate me. And I don't understand. Not at all. Why would God put me on this Earth if all I am is just this fuck-up?
A strong, independent woman doesn't need validation from her job, or from what her friends think, or ... anything.
And that's just another slap to the face, that I'm weak, and I'm not supposed to be, not in this modern day-and-age, but if you look back through history, women had to be even stronger than now, just to survive, themselves, or even to keep their families alive. So what am I moaning about?
Another slap to the face: I have no reason to complain, so I may as well shut the fuck up.
Fuck my life.
Haha. Too late.
This is just the pitch blackness I have to work through, and no, it's not that time of the month, thanks for asking, ... it's just that point in my life where I have to look myself squarely in the eye, see me for what I am, and say to that little girl looking back at me in the mirror: "Buck up, kiddo."
And buck that kiddo up.
That's all. That's all there is to it.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 18, 2015
It's been a month since I've written the last chapter, and this chapter is only one-third of what I actually wanted to write, but SOMEbody, Far and Away, kept bugging me of, 'oh, where is the next chapter, and it'd better be good!' (she actually didn't say that) that I dropped my two other writing projects, and my iPhone games, and my ... *ahem* 'internet' ... um ... 'research' ...
(Yes, thank you: I'm a loser who's scared of her own shadow and has no life, thank you for o-so-politely pointing that out to me)
(ooh, red heads!)
(I have no idea where that one came from. No idea at all!)
(Little Annie, Victoria's au pair, is a blond, not a red head, by the way ... which will make sense to you after I finish "Auld Lang Syne" and start "Annie, au pair") ...
So I was hiding in the corner sulking, but I got bugged into writing this next chapter, because somebody very politely reminded me that it's not about me and how scared I am to write anything ('Oh, wah, boo-hoo! Writing is so hard!'), and how I'd rather just fill my mind with work and noise (or noise and noise, as the case may be), but it's about ...
Hm. Altruism-alert, but what the hell. It's not about me, but it's about my responsibility to you to write what I have to write. Mel Brooks was told "If you're going to step up to the bell, ring it." I had the guts to think about Alicia and Caroline, so I may as well ring that bell and let the whole town hear it, and judge me, the bell-ringer, for what I've done, good or bad, instead of not judge me, not even know me, nor care, for what I've not done.
I started this. I better G.D. not disappoint you by not finishing it, again, like I always do.
(Yes, I have a very high opinion of myself (that's sarcasm, or self-loathing. Whatever. Again))
I love you. I love my characters as they struggle through their lives, trying to make sense of their world, trying to keep their dignity intact as they try to make this work, whatever this is. I love you, my readers, for reading something into what I write, and finding something in there that means something to you, even if I don't know what it is, because I surely don't, 'cause I'm just struggling, trying to make this work and pretend I have a shred of dignity when my boss pulls me aside and tells me he has to help me when he sees how utterly I've failed leading a division that nobody else would touch, and ... I didn't do a bad job, but what's to be proud of that? That I didn't do a bad job, and now I'm just a little office worker again, trying not to be ashamed that I tried to manage something, a very, very small team, and I couldn't, and now I report to a new hire, a woman much older than me, much more experienced than me, much more competent than me, and she wants to make sure I'm happy doing my job now that she's taken over.
And. I. so. am. I'm so relieved that she's taken over management of the division, so I can do what I'm really good at, and she can take care of all the politics and go to all the meetings with management and take all the heat (well, most of the heat) and complain to me about how hard it is and how demanding upper management is, and don't they understand all the stuff we're doing? And I'm like, amen, sister, amen, and thank you for taking this on.
And that's me, a little girl who volunteered to jump into the little-big pond of leading a small team of one other person at work and utterly failing and now, here I am, happy to be just little, tiny me again, and not in charge of other people and 'the direction of the project' and all that entails.
And so, so sad that I was looked to be more than I could be, but I couldn't. I failed. Smart, little phfina tried, and failed.
And now I have to ... press forward, and just ... meet every day, being little me, and be okay with that, or figure out how to ...
How to, once again, face my coworkers and my relatives, and live with the terrible burden that I have so much potential.
And maybe that's all I'll ever have. Maybe that's my place, to be a little nobody, a little office girl who smiles up at you from her desk, and that's all you'll ever know of her, just the girl who went to work and smiled at you as you passed by, and that's it.
Maybe if I look away at the right time, you won't notice me, and I'll just disappear, and nobody will know I'm gone.
The Invisible Girl.
But the point is this, not that I'm a nobody. That's not news.
No, the point is this.
One reader didn't care about silly, little sorrowful, suffering moi (that is French). She wanted the next chapter, I was the writer of it, and she worried me down until she exacted my promise to write it.
Sometimes ... you have to be hard to get what you want. Sometimes ... the measure of a person's worth is how much somebody else demands not what you think what you can give, but what she knows that you can, and excuses be damned. So this (partial) chapter is for you, Far-away girl.
And my next chapter is being written, even now as we speak!
Or, more precisely: even now as we don't speak, as I'm the shy, quiet type; the one to smile tightly and then run away if you notice me too much.
But, still, for a' that, I'm also the one who's smile goes from her face and seeps into her bones, because she knows youdemanded the next chapter from her and didn't allow her sad, little whining excuses to allow her to shirk her responsibilities as a writer.
I am a writer. Saga told me: 'Read what you just wrote me: you are a writer, min allra käraste Älskling. Never forget that.' (Saga was always such a bossy, little sweetie, with her big batting eyes, her teasing smile, and her 'erhm, who? me?' and her 'Thuesdays.' The little Valkyrie. God, I miss her so much it physically hurts.)
I will fade away into dust. My job and my disappointments will come and go. My words may touch you today, but someday, they, too, will be no more.
But This is Eternal.
I am a writer, and a writer writes.
Thank you for reading what I've written so far. I hope you like what I've yet to write, but will.
And you know why? Because somebody gave a fuck, and didn't care that I'm a nobody. No, she was somebody who had a voice and a demand, and I better step up to that bell and ring it, because I did not want to mess with this, because she's somebody.
You're somebody. You have a voice, and if you demand hard enough, you may actually find that your demand is being heard by somebody, somebody with just enough life left in her to honor that request, and to honor you, ... for being somebody.
ps: Okay. Holy fuck. I just saw Saga leave a Starbucks near where I live. She walked right past me, the shawty, in her little black mini, her candy-cane knee-high socks, her wavy, brunette hair and the self-possessed air of an Old-Worlder navigating calmly through the confused busy-ness of this New World.Siiiiigggggghhhh.
I guess I'll drown my nostalgic sorrows in a macchiato and a slice of pumpkin bread. I have a little extra on my sbux card.
January 17th, 2015 ... Happy New Year all! Okay, I'm writing a(nother) Vicky-fic: Auld Lang Syng ... I'll even maybe get it out this year, at the rate I'm going POOP! :(
Okay, enough pleasantries, go to:
Oh, yeah! The thing is, it's based on this fic here:
This is the sweetest (sweetiest!) thing I've seen in a while! Tough-girl tom-boy scared out of her wits to ask a shy-little-sweetie out. So scared, in fact, that tom-boy scares off sweetie! OH, NOES! But then short-little sweetie-pie isn't (all) sub (yes, she is!) (and I love her for it!) she's got some spunk, she's got some feistiness to her ... ooh! I'd love to put her over my knee on and my lap and ... 'correct' her 'errant' behavior! Ooh!
sigh* Love, and being in love, is such a wonderfully messy, complicated thing.
I need me a little love-mess in my life (and in my bed!) right about now.
Yes, indeed, I do!
Sunday, December 21st, 2014 — Advent: Four years ago.
This is why I do not turn off my PMs when I despair anymore. This is why I love Saga. Now. And forever. Four years later. Two years after she told me her final good-bye.
Why are you asleep when I'm awake...? Min allra käraste Älskling,
What happened sweetness? Why did you turn off your PM? Did I do something? Did you get sick of my 'I'm stupid-rant' or was it anything else? Did you get sad and offended when I wrote that you "claim that you are plain?" I DIDN'T mean that you are plain as in boring, you know. For you are NOT - God! you are so MUCH all at once and I don't care if I drown or OD. I will still ask for more...
Please tell me for I get so worried over you!! My stomach is in a knot and my heart goes
I'm like the nervous mother and you're the child running too far away on the playground. And I can't find you and I get hysteric and crying and...wait. I think...There's a Sappho here:
"Afraid of losing you
I ran fluttering
Maybe the roles are reversed. Maybe you're the mother and I'm the little girl that is trying to get you to stay... Please stay, Melissa! You sustain me, you inspire me, you make me endure myself! You're the one that can make me say: 'Today I chose to love myself, for on the other side of the Atlantic there is a girl that loves me. And if she sees something in me worth loving, then I guess I'm not that bad after all...'
My Darling Melissa, don't punish us by not being present. Or do, if it makes you feel better. Anything that will make you feel better is okay. Even if it means you won't talk to me ever again.
أنا بحبك, jag älskar dig!
As a whirlwind
And you have my heart, for as long as you want it.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 5, 2014
I wish ...
Do you know what I wish?
I wish I could write a story that was as beautiful and as evocative as the song "Mary" sung by Sarah McLachlan or as honest as "Head over Heals" by Tears for Fears.
That's what I wish.