beowulfgirl
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Joined 07-01-09, id: 1990848, Profile Updated: 10-13-10

I'm a 40-something divorced mom, secondary English teacher, technical writer and editor of software solutions, and an avid reader. With regard to fanfic, I read it but don't write it because I suck at writing fiction. However, I do write software reviews for magazines, end user documentation and online Help (nobody reads them...they just call tech support), and the occasional feature story about REAL people. I like to read and review fanfic while simultaneously researching trends in writing.

I also beta for two lovely writers: Lalina and yesyov. Their stories are wonderfully written. Go check them out!


Twilight Fanfic You Should Read

Come workout with Trainerward and Fatella in Let's Get Physical. Who knew the reward would that fabulous!

Meet Mobward in The Sacrificial Lamb, a story full of action, adventure and suspense with an ending that will leave you speechless and clamouring to read the sequel.

Someone is out for revenge and will stop at nothing until Edward and Bella are dead in The Lion and The Jackal. (Read The Sacrificial Lamb first)

Too much alcohol and a one-night stand between Mystery B and Eddie over 20 years ago had unexpected results and left fuzzy memories. Follow Dan, Cassie, Bella, Edward, and the rest of the Cullens on a journey of love, self-discovery and acceptance in The Ties that Bind.

Tattoos, piercings and cupcakes in a heartwrenching story about immeasurable loss and suffering that can be healed only by a love that can't be denied in Clipped Wings and Inked Armor.

Gutbusting laughes with Pink Nightie Girl, Wallbanger and his harem, and a Q-tip lovin' cat named Clive in Edward Wallbanger.

Asstard meets Pissgirl while running from The Screamers.

A tale of legends and prophesy tells of The One who will defeat the Volturi in Broken Doll.

See my Favorites tabs below for more stories and one-shots.


For the love of all that is grammatically correct, learn how to use I, me, him, her, he, and she correctly. PLEASE...my little grammarian heart can't handle the pain!


Fave Curse Word:
Almost any variation of the F word with special affection for motherfucker; there are no bad words only bad people. :-D

Things that make me happy:
-great sex
-good friends
-spending time with family
-British humor
-Godiva chocolate
-Haagendaz Coffee Ice Cream
-caffeine
-Imported beer: Okicum Palone, Hoegaarden, Peroni, and my new fave, Optimator.
- 5" and 6" platform heels and stilletos
-a good book
-work/life balance

Things that make me sad:
-words "infinitesimally" and "incredulously" seriously make me want to stab my eyeballs with a fork
-son's allergy to cats (his hair falls out in patches - no kidding)
-study of literature where meaning is subjective and there is no absolute
-sappy commercials
-lonely, hungry people
-Smallville's 9th and possibly 10th seasons (I love Tom Welling, but I want to be free of this albatross.)
-not being able to buy Hoegaarden and Okicum Palone in my state anymore

Things that piss me off:
-whistling in public
-popping and smacking gum
-dishonest and manipulative people
-men who talk marriage and merging furniture on the first or second date
-men who expect me to bring my life to a screeching halt for a quick romp
-text messages and phone calls after 9 p.m.

Music:
Chris Cornell's vocals bring me to orgasm. I have a weird fascination with the German group, Tokio Hotel. My music tastes are varied, and I play what fits my mood. By and large, I prefer parental advisory music of the rock and alt rock persuasion...the harder and dirtier, the better I like it.

Movies and TV:
Mindless action flicks and a good teen movie; foreign films with subtitles.


That's probably way more than you care to know about me, but I always enjoy reading others' profiles. Cheers everybody!

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Punch Me, Love Me, Save Me by ericastwilight reviews
Edward Cullen is an alcoholic who hits rock bottom. One day, his sister Alice is handed a card – Only Call If Desperate & ALL Else Has Failed. She makes the call that will change her brother's life. His savior? Bella Swan.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 42 - Words: 230,668 - Reviews: 4816 - Favs: 3,529 - Follows: 4,360 - Updated: 6/8 - Published: 2/2/2009 - Bella, Edward
No Place Like Home by tellingmelies reviews
Edward is forced to leave his playboy life behind in Chicago and come home to Washington, but will he change his ways or risk losing everything? All human, cannon couples, OOC.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 37 - Words: 255,403 - Reviews: 7005 - Favs: 6,660 - Follows: 4,958 - Updated: 6/19/2012 - Published: 4/25/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Beyond Time by TKegl reviews
After the Cullens leave Forks, a twist of fate lands Bella in Chicago in 1918. She thinks it's a second chance to build a life with Edward, but when she finds him, he's not quite what she expected. Can Bella create the future she's hoping for?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 38 - Words: 295,570 - Reviews: 8413 - Favs: 6,797 - Follows: 2,829 - Updated: 6/4/2011 - Published: 2/17/2010 - Bella, Edward - Complete
The Ties That Bind by yesyov reviews
As a single mum, 40 year old Bella has devoted her life to raising her son and creating a future for herself. As her adult son prepares to strike out for life of his own, a chance meeting, half a world away, will change their lives forever.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 53 - Words: 377,054 - Reviews: 3724 - Favs: 1,233 - Follows: 978 - Updated: 5/2/2011 - Published: 7/19/2009 - Edward, Bella
The Ex Factor : Edward & Bella by AngelAtTwilight reviews
Edward & Bella are exes. 4 years later, fate gives them a new hand by reuniting them together in their father's joint cabin, with the assistance of their clashing friends. How will it end? Hmm. *AH, OOC, A/L, Canon/Uncanon couples.*
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 40 - Words: 786,765 - Reviews: 9271 - Favs: 6,933 - Follows: 3,366 - Updated: 1/25/2011 - Published: 1/2/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Devil's Angel by ObsessingOverEdward reviews
My Harley, freedom and the women I have waiting for me up and down the California coast are my distractions, that was until my Beauty turned my world upside down. ExB, AH, OOC, Mystery/Suspense/Romance
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Mystery/Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3,884 - Reviews: 10898 - Favs: 2,674 - Follows: 1,811 - Updated: 11/16/2010 - Published: 9/27/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Kick the Tires and Light the Fires by Gasaway Alley reviews
Edward Cullen, vampire race-car driver with one hell of a past, present, and future, meets Isabella Swan, human race-car driver with very little common sense who is plagued by a few supernatural secrets of her own.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 20 - Words: 94,940 - Reviews: 390 - Favs: 212 - Follows: 200 - Updated: 11/6/2010 - Published: 3/15/2009 - Edward, Bella
The Blessing and the Curse by The Black Arrow reviews
By pretending she is falling for Edward, Bella is fulfilling Esme's dying wish. But sexy, possessive Edward can read her mind. Will she ever get into his? Can Bella forget the pain of her teenage years, and can she resist his relentless seduction? AH.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 22 - Words: 140,448 - Reviews: 14257 - Favs: 15,325 - Follows: 8,303 - Updated: 9/10/2010 - Published: 5/31/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
The Screamers by KiyaRaven reviews
Street kid. Rockstar. Worlds apart and yet so similar. Sometimes fate throws people together for a reason, and sometimes two people that rub each other the wrong way make the best sparks. All Human **WARNING: MOSTLY HUMOR BUT ALSO CONTAINS ANGST & DARK THEMES**
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 39 - Words: 358,773 - Reviews: 12493 - Favs: 7,086 - Follows: 3,468 - Updated: 6/2/2010 - Published: 5/23/2009 - Edward, Bella - Complete
In the Twilight of My Life by theladyingrey42 reviews
When you think you have nothing left to live for, what happens when you're given another chance? AU/AH, BxE
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 21 - Words: 40,078 - Reviews: 2606 - Favs: 648 - Follows: 355 - Updated: 5/14/2010 - Published: 3/29/2010 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Alphabet Weekends by the-glory-days reviews
Bored with their dismal love lives, best friends Edward and Bella come up with the idea of exploring the world of sex using the alphabet for the next twenty-six weekends. What happens when things go from two friends having fun to something serious? AH OOC
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 34 - Words: 124,991 - Reviews: 11409 - Favs: 11,118 - Follows: 5,795 - Updated: 3/13/2010 - Published: 3/12/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Paper Flower by einfach mich reviews
Edward is a high-priced escort about to take on a new client. He has no idea that the woman he's about to meet is going to change everything. AU AH Edward/Bella
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 13,716 - Reviews: 264 - Favs: 884 - Follows: 351 - Updated: 3/12/2010 - Published: 8/18/2009 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Broken Doll by RowanMoon reviews
Bella's marriage to Jacob is on the rocks. It's 9 years after Edward left her in the forest. She wanders into the forest, back to the place her pain began and finds her world tipped on it's axis buried in simple human lies. Alternate Universe
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 29 - Words: 93,920 - Reviews: 834 - Favs: 396 - Follows: 201 - Updated: 2/10/2010 - Published: 8/5/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Shadowboxer by nobloodnofoul reviews
Edward is an underground fighter using the ring as an outlet for his pent-up rage. Bella is a college dropout running from her complicated past. Their paths collide when Edward is beaten and left for dead. Rated M for LEMONS. CANON PAIRINGS. AH. OOC.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 21 - Words: 171,703 - Reviews: 6374 - Favs: 8,752 - Follows: 4,036 - Updated: 1/21/2010 - Published: 3/6/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Vanilla and Chrome by theladyingrey42 reviews
I stared at him, taking in the steel bar above his brow, the line of helix studs along the curl of one ear, the swirls of green and black ink around his neck dipping down below his shirt. And then I looked deeper." Tattward & Inkella. AU/AH BxE
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 8,180 - Reviews: 349 - Favs: 828 - Follows: 322 - Updated: 8/12/2009 - Published: 7/31/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Piercings by nobloodnofoul reviews
Edward and Bella have been friends forever. Add in jealousy, his occupation, and Bella's secret piercing and this is what you get. My submission for the Tattward and Inkella Contest. ExB LEMONS.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,668 - Reviews: 165 - Favs: 718 - Follows: 163 - Published: 8/1/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Bella Swan: Kidnapper by Kambria Rain reviews
Um. Hi. I don’t really know how to say this, but I have your kids with me, and I was thinking maybe you would like them back. So yeah… call me.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 23 - Words: 74,736 - Reviews: 8728 - Favs: 14,350 - Follows: 2,982 - Updated: 6/27/2009 - Published: 5/15/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Same Time Next Year by socact reviews
Edward and Bella meet year after year, same place and time, escaping from their lives and the people in it. What happens as the years go by? Will something come between them, bringing their ritual to an end? A/H, OOC
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 21 - Words: 71,492 - Reviews: 1361 - Favs: 2,052 - Follows: 499 - Updated: 2/25/2009 - Published: 1/26/2009 - Complete