Thanks for visiting my profile! I love to read, and am freakishly obsessed with books. I am the defintion of a bookworm. I am also a theater geek, so if some of my sories
have references, I apologize in advance...
I am a klutz . No lie. I can trip over air, it's quite comical, actually. It can occur at the most random of times.
I have a freaky mind. No one thinks like me, seriously.
I am obsessed with stand up, especially Dane cook, and Demetri Martin, and Stephen Lynch. I like to laugh, and they kick butt. And Family Guy too.
And I love Harry Potter of course!
I went to a party, Mom
I felt proud of myself,
I made a healthy choice,
I got into my car,
Now Im lying on the pavement,
My own bloods all around me,
Im sure the guy had no idea,
So why do people do it, Mom
Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom
Someone should have taught him,
My breath is getting shorter, Mom
I wish that you could hold me Mom,
one message: dont drink and drive!
FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall.
BEST FRIENDS: Keeps on walking saying, "Walk much?"
FRIENDS: Will help you move.
BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies.
FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be in the cell with you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"
FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.
Bold is what applies to me or what I think is true:
Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried to slam a revolving door.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it.
You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
There is stupid coming out of your mouth hole again
God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made women.
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...I was aiming for your face
When you’re down I may not be able to pick you back up, but I promise I’ll be willing to lay down right next to you
I hear your silence loud and clear
Children in frontseats can lead to accidents. Accidents in backseats can lead to children.
How can i miss you if you never left?
Education is important, school however, is another matter.
Don’t mess with me I've got a stick.
Boys are like Slinky's, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
Boys are like purses: cute, full of crap, and always replaceable
I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't
Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls
Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Help I've fallen and i cant...hey nice carpet!
A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.
"We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police do."
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive
Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility
The cops never find it as funny as you do
Things that make me angry: 1. People who point at their
Things that make me angry:
1. People who point at theirwrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". darn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid 12 to come to the cinema and stare at the ceiling.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the heck?? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
Child abuse poem
My name is Chris
I am three,
My eyes are swollen
I cannot see,
I must be stupid
I must be bad,
What else could have made
My daddy so mad?
I wish I were better
I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my mommy
Would still want to hug me.
I can’t do a wrong
I can’t speak at all
Or else I’m locked up
All day long.
When I’m awake I’m all alone
The house is dark
My folks aren't home.
When my mommy does come home
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe I’ll just get
One whipping tonight.
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
From Charlie’s bar.
I hear him curse
My name is called
I press myself
Against the wall.
I try to hide
From his evil eyes
I’m so afraid now
I'm starting to cry.
He finds me weeping
Calls me ugly words,
He says it’s my fault
He suffers at work.
He slaps and hits me
And yells at me more,
I finally get free
And run to the door.
He’s already locked it
And I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me
Against the hard wall
I fall to the floor
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues
With more bad words spoken,
"I’m sorry!” I scream
But it’s now much too late.
His face has been twisted
Into an unimaginable shape.
The hurt and the pain
Again and again
Oh please God, have mercy!
Oh please let it end!
And he finally stops
And heads for the door
While I lay there motionless
Sprawled on the floor.
My name is Chris
I am three,
Tonight my daddy
If you are against child abuse, put this in your profile...I did.
Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
“I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’”
-- Demirti Martin
“‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of – it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re going to live’ or ‘It’s a boy.’"
"... he was hit by a Dodge ... which I found funny and ironic ..."
"Who doesn't like movies? Who has ever said, "Hey, you wanna go see a movie?" "Fk that and fk you, movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and no!"
"I have to do a B&E, I'm doing a B&E. And if you're looking at me going "Dane, is that bacon and eggs?" No. Although i could always do bacon and eggs, thats fking delicious. Who doesn't want to do a bacon and eggs special? Im talking about a B&E, breaking an entry!"
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Today has been one hell of a week!
92 percent of American teens would die if Abercombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this in your profile if you would be the 8 percent that would be laughing your ass off.
93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile.
If you think that being unique is cooler than being cool, copy this on your profile
If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combonation of both...copy and paste this onto your profile
If your best friend is insane, copy and paste this onto your profile ( i love her for it! )
If you have ever walked into a door, copy and paste this into your profile ( i think i have brain damage from all of those doors)
If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull (or visa versa) copy and paste this onto your profile
If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this onto your profile ( i asked "how is it so easy for twins to tell eachother apart...yeah)
If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are random, and you don't care, copy and paste
If you hate those annoying mosquitos that give you mosquito bites, copy and paste this onto your profile
Harry Potter Survey!!
Which is your favorite Harry Potter book? - Ugh...well I love POA,OOTP, and DH a lot... but I guess I have to say HBP. Idk why I just liked it
Which is your favorite Harry Potter movie? - All.
Who is your favorite HP character(s)? - Luna, James the first, Sirius, and George(not Fred)
What house do you prefer to be in? - Ravenclaw
But what house would you think you'll be in? - Ravenclaw or Maybe Griffindor
Which ghost within Hogwarts is your favorite? - Peeves
What subject in Hogwarts do you like the best? - DADA, Charms, Care of Magical Creatures, Potions.
Who is your favorite teacher in Hogwarts? - Lupin WAS...but I guess I'll say Hagrid
Which position would you want to be in for Quidditch?– Beater. Always.
Which position in Quidditch do you think fits you the most? – Beater
Who do you want to make friends with? - Luna
If you were in Hogwarts, who would be your best buddy? - Luna or Ginny
Why would he/she be your best buddy? - Because I'm an odd ball, and I'm also a lot like Ginny in her sense of humor.
Which character in the book can you relate to? - Hmm... I really don't know.
What pet would you get? - An owl or a kitty