twilightsagalover28
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Joined 07-28-09, id: 2027217, Profile Updated: 04-01-11
Author has written 6 stories for Twilight.

I've been updating some of my picture links that no longer work so if you tried a bit ago, try again now. And if it still doesn't work, keep checking because I'm still working to get them perfect for you guysxD


NEW STORY! NATURAL DISASTER!!! CHECK IT OUT!! PLEASE READ IT! I KNOW IT IS BAD RIGHT NOW BUT ALERT IT AND IT'LL GET BETTER!!!


Alright so... I FINISHED THE HARRY POTTER SERIES!!! I TOOK IT OFF MY HATE LIST!!!! IT WAS PRETTY GOOD!!!! WOOH!!!! AGAIN READ MY NEW STORY!!!


I SAW THE MIDNIGHT PREMIERE OF ECLIPSE!!!! IT WAS AWESOME!!! BEST ONE YET!


GUESS WHAT?! STEPHANIE MEYER IS WRITING A NEW BOOK CALLED THE SHORT SECOND LIFE OF BREE TANNER!! CAN'T WAIT!! IT'S A NOVELLA OF ECLIPSE!!


OMG!! I WROTE ANOTHER NEW STORY!! IT'S CALLED MIDNIGHT!! CHECK IT OUT!! GUESS WHAT!! ANOTHER NEW STORY!! IT'S CALLED FAKE ID AT THE MOMENT SO CHECK IT OUT!!


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NEW MOON CAME OUT AND IT WAS THE BEST MOVIE EVER!! IT WAS FUNNY AND AWESOME!! LOVED IT!! GO SEE IT!!


I'm team Edward in the books and team Jacob (Taylor!!) in the movie!! (Enjoy Taylor half naked before I take him down!!) I TOOK HIM DOWN!! DON'T WORRY HE'LL BE BACK SOON!!


Likes: Twilight saga, Most Twilight characters, oreos, my gorgeous hair :), beaches, warmth, snow, my name (Tatiana), spring and fall (not to hot not to cold), Florida, comedy movies, vacations, Taylor Swift, eggo waffles, Maximum Ride series, New moon the movie, Eclipse the movie, The Hunger Games series,

Hates: Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewert, Twilight the movie (the book is sooo much better), math, annoying teachers, AIRPLANES ( :/ :( :X (they smell so bad), skinny jeans and jeans,


Check out one of my BFF'S profile!! Read her story and review it!! http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2111594/


LISTEN TO THIS SONG!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cFciOwLWa8 IT'S ABOUT ROSALIE!!

READ THIS!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07WMnZ9vn_M&feature=fvw IT'S ABOUT EMMETT!!

PM me if you liked these!!


Falling Star Pictures

Nessie's high heel she throws at Ariana-

Cami's eye color-

Cami-

Ariana-

Emmett's Range Rover-

150 inch plasma-

Motorola Rival A455-

Renesmee's high heel shoe in Chapter 5-

Nessie's necklace in Chapter 5- (if it doesn't work copy and paste on to web browser)

Nessie's dress in Chapter 5- (the green color is supposed to be white but this is the only good picture of the dress.)

Edward's shirt in Chapter 5-

Bella's heel's in Chapter 5-

Jasper's Mercedes Benz M-class-

Nessie's spy dress in Chapter 7- (if it doesn't work copy and paste on to web browser)

Alice's tube top in Chapter 8-

Spy sunglasses in Chapter 9-

Lamborghini Gallardo-

Cougar-

Circular Glass Cutter-

Night Vision Binoculars-

Grapple Hook-

Syringe-

Bermuda Jeans-

White Silk Halter Top-

White Converse-

Apron-

Heartless-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Af1g7s6E9Q

Don't trust me-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALxOpl9jIYs&feature=related

Discovery Channel-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iIx-dQwbPs

Too cool-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6vvqZwUtpc

It's all about me-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlprvwuqYPA

Piece of me-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wD93y-LSZwc

Sexy naughty bitchy-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcT_HTaZa5g

Adrienne- (A little uglier)

Bugatti Veyron 16.4-

Cami's Outfit in Chapter 24-

Cami's green Beetle-


Meteor Shower Pictures

Bella's Cadillac-

Carlisle's Lexus-

Rose's Porsche-

Nessie's Lamborghini-

Jasper's SSC Ultimate Aero-

Jacob's Mustang-

Girls camouflage overalls-

Camouflage converse-

Emmett's Range Rover-

Nessie's prom dress-

Rose's prom dress-

Dress Rose got for after-

Alice's prom dress-

Dress Alice didnt get- 

Bella's prom dress-

Hooker prom dress that Alice wanted Bella to get- (It's not that bad but Bella thinks it is)

Olive green hair color-

Medium to dark orange hair color-

Rose's pajamas-

Alice's pajamas-

Nessie's pajamas-

Bella's pajamas-

Edward's pajamas-Top- Pants-

Jasper's pajamas-

Jake's pajamas-Top- Pants-

Emmett's pajamas- Got you excited right?! well just imagine!! :)

Rose's Career Day outfit-

Nessie's Career Day outfit-

Emmett's Career Day outfit-

Jasper's Career Day outfit-

Alice's Career Day outfit-

Edaward's Career Day 'outfit'-

Bella's Career Day look-

Nessie's Talent show outfit-

Nessie's Talent show outfit shoes-

Nessie's purple slingbacks-


Skipping Stones Pictures

Emmett's Hummer HX-

Emmett's Land Rover LRX-


Midnight Pictures

Nessie's Corvette-

Aston Martin db9-

Devin- or (He is a little younger...like 17 or something)


Fake ID Pictures

Everclear-

Ring Pop wedding ring-

Wedding Dress-

Bugatti Veyron-

Nessie's Sundress-

Edward's Aston Martin One-77-

Rosalie's Convertible-

Nessie's outfit- (I think you can comment on the outfit if you want!)

Alice's Outfits- (You can comment if you have an account)

Nessie's outfit- (Once again^^)

Emmet's dark silver Jeep Trailhawk-


Natural Disaster Pictures

Emmett's Hummer H3T-

Rosalie's Bikini-

Rosalie's Outfit before she changed-

Rose's Sandals-

Emmett's Swimsuit-

Rose's white Cover up-

Helicopter Bell Textron 206B ZS-RDR-


I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you.


The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?"


TOP 8 REASONS WHY INSANIY IS AWESOME:
1. You're never alone. you can make up all the friends you want.
2. It's always easy to find someone to talk to. Inanimate objects are great listeners.
3. You don't need to try at all. People have low expectations of you.
4. You're never homeless. Insane asylums are warm and give you free food.
5. Fun times are easy to find. Pretend to be insane and see how many funny looks people give you on the steet.
6. People are nicer when it's "not your fault, you're just crazy."
7. You can get away with anything just by pleading insanity.
8. Clothes aways fit. Straight jakets are one size fits all.


Emmet Cullen: Stronger Than You since 1916

Jasper Hale: Charming Ladies since 1843

Alice Cullen: Quirkier than You since 1901

Rosalie Hale: Better Than You since 1916

Edward Cullen: Sexier Than You since 1901

I read Eclipse and wanted to smack Jacob Black REALLY REALLY HARD. Then Bella did it for me.

If you want to slice out Jacob Black's organs, throw them into a fire, and do a native dance around the fire, for what he did in Eclipse,

If you think Jacob is pathetic and needs to give up on Bella, plus go jump off a cliff (or whatever he has to do to die), copy and paste this in your profile

╔══╦══╦══╗ I have been diagnosed
║╔╗║╔═╣╔╗║ with Obsessive Cullen
║╚╝║╚═╣╚╝║ Disorder. Put this on your
╚══╩══╩══╝ profile if you've caught it too... ...Put this
...E...On your
...D...Profile
...W...If
...A...You
...R...Have
...D...That crazy
... ...Obsession over Edward


30 Things I have learned from Twilight

1. You can enjoy the boquet while resisting the wine.
2. The future is not set in stone.
3. Men are crabby when they're hungry.
4. Nothing beats an irritable grizzly bear.
5. True love knows no boundaries.
6. Some people are just danger magnets.
7. Even eternal enemies can work together to save something they love.
8. Forget the fangs - real vampires sparkle!
9. Soul mates exist, even if it takes 100 years to find them.
10. Porshe 911 Turbos make really great bribes.
11. Friendship is like the sun on a cloudy day.
12. Snow just means it's too cold for rain.
13. Family is about more than just blood.
14. What's worth doing is worth over-doing.
15. Losing your temper can be hair-raising.
16. "Vegetarian" has many meanings.
17. Even monsters can hold on to their humanity.
18. There are exceptions to every rule.
19. Always verify bad news before doing something stupid.
20. Hearing voices in your head doesn't necessarily mean you're crazy.
21. Love means being willing to sacrifice your happiness for another's.
22. Cold hands = Warm heart.
23. Not breathing is uncomfortable.
24. Stupid lambs and masochistic lions make quite a pair.
25. Romeo was an idiot.
26. Twilight is the saddest and safest time of day.
27. Extreme sports should not be attempted alone.
28. Life is worth very little without someone to share it with.
29. Space heaters can be very annoying.
30. Love can make even the most miserable places paradise.


-If someone mentions Twilight, you can go on for hours talking about it, copy and paste this into your profile.

-If you ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile

-If you have ever run into a door, copy and paste this into your profile

-If you have ever walked into a pole and thought it was a person, copy and paste this into your profile

-If you are so obsessed with Twilight that it is NOT even funny anymore, copy this into your profile

-If you are so overly obsessed with everything about Emmett Cullen and freaking hawt he is that it's not even funny anymore, copy and paste this into your profile

-If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this into your profile.

-If you know someone who should be run over by a bus copy and paste this into your profile.

-If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy and paste this into your profile.

-If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous Fan Fictions, copy and paste this onto your profile.

-If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.

-If you are addicted to vampires and would like to become one, copy and paste this into your profile.

-If you had a choice between human and vampire, and you would choose vampire, copy and paste this to your profile.

-If you screamed over watching the Twilight trailers, copy and paste this into your profile.

-If you daydream about Edward appearing in your life, copy and paste this into your profile.


YOUR GUY SIDE:

You love hoodies.
You love jeans.
x Dogs are better than cats.
x It's hilarious when people get hurt.
x You've played with/against boys on a team.
Shopping is torture.
Sad movies suck.
x You own/ed an X-Box.
Played with Hotwheel cars as a kid.
At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
You own/ed a DS, PS2 or Sega.
You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
x You watch sports on TV.
Gory movies are cool.
You go to your dad for advice.
You own like a trillion baseball caps.
x You like going to high school football games.
You used to/do collect football/baseball cards.
Baggy pants are cool to wear.
It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
x Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
x You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
x Sports are fun
x Talk with food in your mouth.
Sleep with your socks on at night

TOTAL: 10

YOUR GIRL SIDE:

x You wear lip gloss/chapstick.
x You love to shop.
You wear eyeliner.
x You wear the color pink
Go to your mom for advice.
x You consider cheerleading a sport.
You hate wearing the color black.
x You like hanging out at the mall.
x You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
x You like wearing jewelry.
x Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
x Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
x You don't like the movie Star Wars.
x You were in gymnastics/dance?
It takes you around/ more one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up. (Sometimes...)
x You smile a lot more than you should.
x You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
x You care about what you look like.
You like wearing dresses when you can.
You like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.
x You love the movies.
x Used to play with dolls as little kid.
x Like putting make-up on someone else for the joy/joke of it.
x Like being the star of every thing

TOTAL: 18 or 19

I am girly yet i am kinda a tom boy :)


16 things to do in Walmart.

1.Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.
2.Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
3.Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.
4.Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
5.Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area
6.Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
7.When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8.Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
9.While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.
10.Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11.In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
12.Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13.When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
14.Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
15.Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "go, pikachu, go!"
16. Stage a conversation with your shadow then when you walk through a shady area, scream that your friend is missing.


42 Things to do in an Elevator

1. CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2. STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3. WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4. GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5. MEOW occasionally.
6. STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7. SAY -DING at each floor.
8. SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9.MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10. STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11. WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12. TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13. DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14. WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15. PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16. ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17. HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18. DROP a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19. BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20. PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21. SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22. CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.
23. MAKE car race noises when someone gets on or off.
24. CONGRATULATE all for being in the same lift with you.
25. GRIMACE painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
26. WALK on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. WHILE the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
28. LET your cell phone ring - don't answer it.
29. WALK into the lift and say "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."
30. TAKE shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't.
31. ASK people which floor they want, say in 'Who want to be a millionaire' style is that your final answer.
32. ALSO in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!", and leave the lift tutting.
33. ASK, "Did you feel that?"
34. TELL people that you can see their aura.
35. WHEN the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
36. ANNOUNCE in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
37. DRESS up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time...
38. START breathing heavily and grab your chest when someone walks in. Then stumble out gasping for air
39. WHEN someone comes in ask them to press 5 or 6 different floors
40. GET in and don't press any buttons. Wait for the elevator to be called somewhere and repeat 39.
41. IF you are the only one in the elevator, press all of the buttons and stand, staring at the door, waiting for someone to come.
42. LAUGH maniacally whenever anyone looks at you and say you're here for the mental health convention.


Spread the Stupidity

Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America do we use the politics to describe the process of economy so: Poli in latin meaning many and tics meaning blooksucking creature.
Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


Something Sweet

A Girl asked her boyfriend;

Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?

Boy: No

Girl: Do you like me?

Boy: No

Girl: Do you want me?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you cry if I left?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you live for me?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you do anything for me?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you choose me or your life

Boy: My life

The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says:

The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.

The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.

The reason I don't want you is because I need you.

The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.

The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.

The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you.

The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.

A girl and guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle

Girl: Slow down, I'm scared!

Guy: No, this is fun.

Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: I love you, you know that, now slow down!

Guy: Now give me a big hug.

She gives him a big hug

Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me.

In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his break wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she would live even if he died. Copy this onto your profile if you would do the same thing for someone you love

Abortion is wrong.

Month one

Mommy
I am only 8 inches long
but I have all my organs.
I love the sound of your voice.
Every time I hear it
I wave my arms and legs.
The sound of your heart beat
is my favorite lullaby.

Month Two

Mommy
today I learned how to suck my thumb.
If you could see me
you could definitely tell that I am a baby.
I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though.
It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three

You know what Mommy
I'm a boy!!
I hope that makes you happy.
I always want you to be happy.
I don't like it when you cry.
You sound so sad.
It makes me sad too
and I cry with you even though
you can't hear me.

Month Four

Mommy
my hair is starting to grow.
It is very short and fine
but I will have a lot of it.
I spend a lot of my time exercising.
I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes
and stretch my arms and legs.
I am becoming quite good at it too.

Month Five

You went to the doctor today.
Mommy, he lied to you.
He said that I'm not a baby.
I am a baby Mommy, your baby.
I think and feel.
Mommy, what's abortion?

Month Six

I can hear that doctor again.
I don't like him.
He seems cold and heartless.
Something is intruding my home.
The doctor called it a needle.
Mommy what is it? It burns!
Please make him stop!
I can't get away from it!
Mommy! HELP me!

Month Seven

Mommy
I am okay.
I am in Jesus's arms.
He is holding me.
He told me about abortion.
Why didn't you want me Mommy?

Every Abortion Is Just . . .

One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.

If you're against abortion, re-post this

Find the guy that calls you beautiful instead of hot,

who calls you back when you hang up on him,

who'll lay under the stars for hours and listen to your heart beat.

Or will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy that kisses your forehead,

who keeps your picture in his wallet,

who wants to show you off to the world even when your in sweatpants,

who holds your hand in front of all his friends,

who thinks your beautiful without makeup,

one who is constantly telling you of how much he cares and how is lucky to have you,

THE one who turns to his friends and says THAT'S HER!

A guy gets a girl 11 real roses and one fake rose. When he gave her the 12 roses, he said,"I'll love you until the last one dies."


Man: Can I buy you a drink?
Woman: Actually I'd rather have the money.

Man: How did you get to be so beautiful?
Woman: I must have been given your share.

Man: Your face must turn a few heads.
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

Man: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
Woman: Okay, get out.

Man: I think I could make you very happy.
Woman: Why? Are you leaving?

Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

Man: Can I have your name?
Woman: Why? Don't you already have one?

Man: want to see a movie?

Woman: I've already seen one

Man: I'm God's gift to women

Woman: God certainly has a sense of humor.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Woman: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.

92 percent of the teenage population would die if Abercrombie and Fitch, American Eagle, or Hollister decided breathing was uncool. Paste this onto your profile if you are one of the 8 percent that would be laughing hysterically instead.

95 of all teens would go into a panic if the Jonas brothers were on a 100 foot building about to jump. copy and paste this if you are one of the 5 who would have pushed them (i might not do this one)

92 percent of teenagers do drugs, If you are part of the 8 percent who do Twilight instead, copy and paste this to your profile

If you know someone who should be run over by a bus, copy and paste this into your profile

If you've reread TWILIGHT over four times...copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you think that the kids should stop chasing Lucky and leave the dang leprechaun alone, then copy and paste this into your profile.

A friend will comfert you when he rejects you, Best Friend well go up to him and say "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

A friend will be there for you when he dumps you,Best Friend will call him and whisper "Seven days..."

A friend will help you up when you fall, Best Friend will laugh because she tripped me.

A friend helps you find you're prince charming, Best Friend kidnaps him and brings him to you.

A friend gives you there umbrella in the rain, Best Friend takes yours and runs away.

A friend helps you move, Best Friend helps you move the bodies

A friend well bail you out of jail, Best Friend is siting next to you saying "That was Awesome!! Lets do it again!!"

A friend knows a lot of things about you, Best Friend could right a very imbarrassing biography of your live.

A friend will teach me how to drive, Best Friend will help me push the car in the lake so i can collect insurence.

A friend will go to the concert with me, Best Friend will kidnap the band with me.

A friend will hide me from the cops, Best Friend is the reason there after me.

A friend will let me make a fool of myself in public, Best Friend is makeing a fool of herself next to me.

Friends Fade, Best Friends are forever.

Boys

Boys are like purses: cute, full of crap, and always replaceable

Boys are like skateboards, they can go fast but usually they're pretty slow.

Boys are like knives, useful but they'll cut you eventually.

Boys are like slinkies, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.


A teenage girl about 17 named Diane had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away.

As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it. However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped around her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.

The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed. The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her." Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98 percent of teenagers will not stand up for God, and 93 percent of the people that read this won’t repost it?

HOMOPHOBIA IS GAY

This is for the people who are homophobic. Get over it!!

I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had.
I wish they could adopt me.
I am not one of the lucky ones.
I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school.
It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the Realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised.
The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the woman who died when the EMT s stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn't have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love. I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends I'm a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.
I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to "teach me a lesson"
--IF YOU BELIEVE THAT HOMOPHOBIA IS WRONG... REPOST THIS-


Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso .

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives,They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner."Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity...Copy and Paste this into your profile!!

Annoying things to do in an elevator

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag,
peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in
there?"

2) STAND silent and motionless in the
corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt
and strain to yank the doors open, then
act as if you're embarrassed when they
open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake
and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a
while. Then announce in horror: "You're
one of THEM" - and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And
push all the red buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone
presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger
for a while, then announce: "I have new
socks on."

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look
around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12) TRY to make personal calls on the
emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor
with chalk and announce to the other
passengers: "This is my personal space."

14) WHEN there's only one other person
in the elevator, tap them on the
shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they
give you a shock. Smile, and go back for
more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for
other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you're
waiting for your friend. After a while,
let the doors close and say "Hi Greg,
How's your day been?"

18) DROP a pen and wail until someone
reaches to help pick it up, then scream:
"That's mine!"

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of
everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant
and review emergency procedures and
exits with the Passengers.

21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.

22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

Stupid Warnings:

This is a list of all the stupid warnings on the products most of us use daily.

1. Children's Asprin: Warning: Keep Away From Children

4. Candle: Warning: A burning candle is fire

5. Frozen Pizza: Warning: Do not eat before cooking

6. Blanket from Taiwan: Warning: Not To Be Used As Protection From A Tornado

7. Frisbee: Warning: May Contain Small Parts

8. Butcher Knife: Warning: Keep Out of Children

9. Railroad Sign: Warning: Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.

10. Hair Coloring: Warning: Do not use as an ice cream topping

13. Puzzle: Warning: Some Assembly Required

14. Japanese Food Processor: Warning: Not to be used for the other use

15. Korean Kitchen Knife: Warning: Not to be used in Children
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation..)

THINGS TO DO AT THE MALL

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and clean your teeth.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

15. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "Pikachu, I choose you!"

16. Throw skittles at people and yell, "Taste the rainbow, bitch!"

17. Go the toy section, get a light-saber and start challenging people to a Jedi match.

18. Follow a random person and if they turn and ask why are you following me yell, "No I won't have sex with you!"

Repost this if you laughed... Or are planning to do any of these things and add another one to the list! XD

You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

He Said: I don't know why you wear a bra, you have nothing to put in it.
She Said: You wear pants, don't you?

My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marsh mellows and flirting with the firemen.

Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!

I smile because I have no idea what's going on!

I make the cowardly lion look like the terminator!

I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends.

Boys are like slinkys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought

Don't run in the school hall, gliding is more fun!

There is no "I" in team but there is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...

Be a loser! Because being cool is so overrated!

It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why the hell would I keep looking after I found it?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

All the good guys are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books.

Everything here is eatable. Even I'm eatable, my dear children, but that is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies.

I ran with scissors, and lived!

I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.

If two wrongs dont make a right, try three.

Borrow money from pessimists- they dont expect to get it back!

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & and those that cant.

I'm not paranoid...WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. Success = Failure!

Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

Guns don’t kill people. Bullets kill people. I mean, DUH!

When life hands you lemons, chuck 'em back at the guy who was demented enough to give them to you.

Liar, liar, pants on fire, hanging from a cellphone wire

Only if you want to laugh your A off, read this, but if not, JUST READ IT!!

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why is their Braille on the drive up ATM machine??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why do we park in the driveway and drive on the park way?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Have you ever been captured by evil squirrels and taken to their secret squirrel hideout, but rescued by your vampire love, who ran around with a machine gun shouting die squirrels, die?

Are you ever worried about the fact that your stalker isn't stalking anymore?

If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

If you blow in a dogs face he'll get mad at you, but take him for a car ride, and the first thing he does is stick his head out the window!

Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear brighter before you hear them speak?

Why does an 'X' stand for kiss?

If olive oil comes from olive's then where does baby oil come from? 0.0 I wonder...I'm going to go and get my little 4 yr old sister...OH! Did you just read that? If so...BACK OFF SUCKA

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, how can it be good to 'quit while your ahead?'

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If a fork were made of gold would it still be called silver ware?

Can you make a candle out of your earwax?

"Cute as a button." Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?

Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?

Are marbles made of marble?

Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?

If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)

Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Can you get cornered in a round room?

Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?

Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?

If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?

How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?

Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?

Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?

Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate? I mean DUH!

"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?

Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??

Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your pee is hotter when you use the restroom?

Can mute people burp?

What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?

Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?

How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?

If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?

Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?

Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa
beans, and all beans are a vegetable?

Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?

Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?

Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?

Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?

Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?

Why can't you get a tan on your palms?

If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?

Why do dogs sniff other dog’s butts to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something?

Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been
free?

If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?

You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to
people that work nights?

Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway?

Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?

Why is a square meal served on round plates?

Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?

Which way does a compass point in space?

Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked? ~Also, aren't we always naked like 24/7? I mean, the clothing is just so no one can see us in our nudity, so technically, we are running around naked outside.~

Why do all superheroes wear spandex?

If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?

Why did Mary own a little lamb?

If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?

If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?

Why are Pringles curved?

What happens if your snot freezes in your nose?

Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are? Do they lie?

If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?

Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be “under par” in any thing else?

If your scared to swim but love water, how does that make sense?

Funny Sayings That I Love and You Will Too Part Three!!

If you don't know what to write in a story, kill a character off!

Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.

I'm not so good at advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in a large group

The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came along and they all committed suicide.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

I'm not random, I just have many tho- OH LOOK! A BIRDIE!

When life gives you lemons, make apple juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I will kill you in your sleep. . . . You laugh like I'm kidding.

I don’t suffer from insanity . . . I enjoy every minute of it.

Come join the dark side. (We have cookies)

I know hate is a strong word. That's why I'm using it.

Two wrongs may not make a right, but three rights make a left.

If you're reading this - - OH NO! THERE'S A fLY BEHIND YOU!!

Ha ha, you looked, didn't you? In your dreams!

I am a Fruit Loop in a world full of Cheerios.

Family is like fudge; mostly sweet with a few nuts mixed in.

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend will be in the next cell over shouting, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

A good friend helps you when you fall. A best friend laughs and trips you again.

I'm not afraid of Death. What's he going to do, kill me?

Remember, it takes forty-two muscles to frown, twenty-eight to smile, but hey, it only takes four to reach out and to punch someone.

If it wasn't for physics and the law, heck, I'd be unstoppable.

Music is like candy- you throw away the wrappers.

If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetball?

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends.

Boys are like slinkys: useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

You're just jealous because the voices in my head talk to me and not you.

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminium foil.

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

I smile because I have no idea what’s going on.

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers. (Don't let this happen to you!)

Legit. . . . Because we're too cool to say legitimate.

I find it ironic that the musical term for "slow down" is ritardando.

They say that a team is only as good as its worst player. Sucks for my team.

"We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police do."

When I hear somebody sigh "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to ask "Compared to what?"

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration!

"We could all take a lesson from crayons: some are sharp, some are beautiful, some have weird names, all are different colors, but they still learn to live in the same box."

When people don't laugh at our jokes we don't think of it as a "You had to be there." type of thing. But more like a "You have to be mentally retarded like us." type of thing

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

He who laughs last didn't get it.

When a guy tells u “girl, you must be a thief because you just stole my heart” reply by kindly telling him “I only steal valuable things”

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Quotes by Teachers, posters, movies, and random people:

True friends stab you in the front.

Knives cut and forks jab, but spoons serve. Be a spoon!

I'm too old to die! -The Awesome Old Lady on Madagascar 2

When I was a young girl, I used to admire Barbie for her blonde hair and shapely figure. Now I admire her because her house is paid off and she has no debt.

You are a silly goosey!

Who would want to buy a mountain? I would!

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

Happiness is a choice that requires effort at all times.

Even EINSTEIN asked questions.

Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.

Close your face/cookie portal!

The 3 rings of marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring!

A mistake is a chance to try harder.

Live simply. Love much. Laugh often.

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn’t know you left open.

The truth is rarely pure and never simple.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

The human heart is a strange vessel. Love and hatred can exist side by side.

One of the things about equality is not just that you be treated equally to a man, but that you treat yourself equally to the way you treat a man. \

You're not stupid, you just did a stupid thing.

Live long and prosper.

Your mind is like a parachute. It works best when it's open.

Oh, my goodness grapeness!

Today is a good day to die!

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.

Truth is an excuse for a lack of imagination.

A joke is a very serious thing.

LISTEN and SILENT are spelled with the same letters.

I hear you're a pain in the asterisk.

I don't need drugs; I'm naturally high on life.

A mistake is a chance to try harder. -

Where there's a pinata, there's a stick.

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.

I never met a chocolate I didn't like.

Don't just do it. Do it right!

This is the worst time I ever been to.

My dad had a paddle called "The Attitude Adjustment". It broke.

I just did something involuntary. . . and messy.

If you mess up my room, I'll mess up your face. . . but there's not much left to do. . .

If you were my kid, I'd be in jail for child abuse.

I purposely did that on purpose.

There's this thing called life, and I'm addicted to it. Sorry, but I'm not taking a bullet for you kids.

At my age, I have two enemies: birthdays and the mirror.

Stop blinking at me!

They're just imaginary figments of your imagination.

Life is pain. . . Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.

Put your blue in a butt chair!

Take Time To Read Each Sentence

This is this cat.

This is is cat.

This is how cat.

This is to cat.

This is keep cat.

This is a cat.

This is retard cat.

This is busy cat.

This is for cat.

This is forty cat.

This is seconds cat.

Now read the THIRD word of ever line.

You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

There is stupid coming out of your mouth hole again

God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made women.

So many boys, so many reasons to stay alone

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...I was aiming for your face

I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes.

When you’re down I may not be able to pick you back up, but I promise I’ll be willing to lay down right next to you

Tired of living and scared of dying

Scared to remember, terrified to forget

I hear your silence loud and clear

Children in frontseats can lead to accidents. Accidents in backseats can lead to children.

Why do today what you could put off till tomorrow?

How can i miss you if you never left?

I'm not with stupid anymore!

Education is important, school however, is another matter.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them more

Don’t mess with me I've got a stick.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends (and boyfriend!)

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't

I can only please on person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either.

Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

You know you live in 2009 when...

1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.

2.) You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years

3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don’t have a screen name or my space

4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV

6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.

7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.

8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.

9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.

10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.

11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.

12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you SOME QUOTES

13 things PMS Stands for:

13. Pass My Shotgun
12. Psychotic Mood Swing
11. Perpetual Munching Spree
10. Puffy Mid-Section
9. People Make me Sick
8. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
6. Pimples May Surface
5. Pass My Sweats
4. Pissy Mood Syndrome
3. Poor Men Suck
2. Pack My Stuff
1. Potential Murder Suspect

FEMALE COMEBACKS!!

pick up line comebacks, add to it

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Woman: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.

Quotes ‘n’ Stuff

Let's play truth or dare! Or maybe just dare, because nobody seems to tell the truth anymore.

If you can't convince them, confuse them. (Smiles evilly)

After all is said and done a hell of a lot more is said than done. (Blabber mouths…)

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up. (It’s their fault in the first place.)

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher. (I bet on it!)

I never pirated it...it was donated. By the file fairy. I put a blank CD under my pillow at night... and voila! (She also did this for all my other pirated CD’s. I’m innocent!)

When I hear somebody say "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to ask "Compared to what?" (Death?)

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. (Now this is very trueevil laughter)

Remember this, if someone is bothering you. It takes 40 muscles to frown, but it takes only three to stick up your middle finger and say, "Bite me!" (What if they actually do? Hmm… You use more muscles to scream bloody murder of course.)

A wise man once said, “I don't know, go ask the women!" (Yes, you have to admit women are better. Very smart of him. I’ll go give him a cookie.)

Men are like slinkies. They bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs. (Boing… boing… boing… SPLAT!)

My imaginary friend thinks you have a very serious problem... (We both agree on it.)

There is nothing more depressing than a hollow chocolate bunny. (Where’s all the chocolate?! I spent all those money on… nothing!?)

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets. (People and their long memory… tsk tsk tsk.)

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours. (Hours later…)

If all else fails, read the instructions. (Oh… So that’s how you do it! Stupid me…)

Someday we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject. (Nothing… It was nothing…)

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. (Ha! I hit it again! I RULE! YEAH!)

When life gives you lemons throw them at the mean people and hope it gets them in the eyes. (Take that! I hope you go blind!)

You can't have any of my nothing! (It’s mine!!)

When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. (Catchy…)

It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn’t take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face. (…)

If every cloud has a silver lining, then hundreds of people have been struck by lightning looking for it. (Ooh! Where’s the silver- AAH! I JUST GOT STRUCK BY LIGHTNING!! Oh yeah, real smooth.)

The harder you try, the dumber you look.

If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you’re not alone. And yet, you are alone. So very alone... (Hello… lo… lo… lo… echo… echo…)

Give credit when desired. There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE its weird. (May the better you win.)

Smile at people you don’t like, it makes them wonder what you did... (Mwahaha)

Life was so simple when boys had cooties! (Yup, sure was.)

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young. (And they sure wish they could, too.)

I'm not random; I just have many tho- OOH A SQUIRREL! (??)

Elmo knows where you live! (Eek! He’s a stalker!)

There is no "I" in team but there is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM... (Yum. A team could eat a meat pie together… But then I can just eat it all by myself. Why bother sharing?)

My knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminium foil. (Loser.)

An apple away keeps the doctor away, if well aimed. (Unless it’s Carlisle. Who would want to hit him?? A psycho, maybe.)

You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor. (Now who stole my floor?!)

BRB, I'm busy trying to jump off the roof with the kitchen broom. (And failing, if I may add.)

Taste the rainbow- Eat CRAYONS. (Yum. barf)

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss. (And break some bones in the progress…)

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. (I agree.)

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. (Take that, lousy piece of junk!)

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from. (YOU’RE EXPELLED!!)

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. (Temptation… hmm… Oh right! I need to take a left in Robbingsville… then a right… At last! Temptation, come to mama!)

Hand over the chocolate or I will sing. (glass shatters)

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. (CRASH!)

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. (Beep beep!)

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking. (No one’s looking… okay, now’s a good time to spill my Coke.)

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? (Yeah! I second that!)

Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!

I'm not littering...I'm donating to the Earth. (You should be thanking me for my generosity instead!)

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions. (Hmph.)

WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff… (I dare you follow me…)

I'm not afraid of Death, what's it gonna do kill me? (Yeah right! I challenge him this instant!)

Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner!

Person #2: Too bad the world is round!

Person #3: We could try to mutate it, make it a square!

Person #4: Or we could just transfer to another planet!

Person #5: Just shut up. People like you are the reason why we don’t get any happiness.

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me. (Floor: You bet I do… Your feet stink.)

Go hug a cactus!

It's all fun and games until the flying monkeys attack. (Eek! It just stole my banana!)

Don't worry. When you have kids of your own, you forgive your parents. (It’s our turn to suffer…)

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more. (What the hell? Something’s up…)

All girls listen up! Remember the seven B’s: Books Before Boys Because Boys Bring Babies… Or, if you want, it could go: Boys Before Books Because Books Bring Boredom. It’s your pick.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. (Groan)

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run away. He hates that. (Those darn souls! grumble)

Of course I'm talking to myself. Who else can I trust? (Me. Yes, I only trust me, which is why I’ talking to myself.)

You think you're all that and a bag of chips. Well I'm all that and a bag of skittles. So taste my rainbow, loser! (Evil laughter)

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. (Right? Right?)

I only have PMS on days that end in the letter "y". (Translation: every day… Don’t you dare piss me off.)

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive. (Alas, I was unsuccessful. Now my feet hurt.)

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people. (Yep.)

Did you just call me a bitch? Because a bitch is a dog. Dogs bark. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. And nature is beautiful. I know I'm beautiful! Thanks for the complement. (Thanks a lot for accepting that!)

Dear Heart, I met a boy today, prepare to shatter.

Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. (do re mi fa so la ti do!! lifeboat explodes)

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love. (That’s what you call word power!)

If you get scared at a movie, just throw candy at the people sitting in front of you. (That way, they’ll get mad at you, and you’ll have another thing to be scared of.)

When someone says to try to take a walk in their shoes, just roll your eyes and say their shoes are too small. (I truly do have big feet. _)

Yeah! I love wearing straight jackets, too! I get to hug myself!

Perfection is a waste of time.

Practice makes perfect. But then, nobody is perfect, so why bother practicing?

The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide. (How could parents let their children watch a show starring a murderer?)

God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made women. (Yeah!)

Heaven doesn't want me, and Hell is afraid I'll take over. (That’s how demonic I am. Mwahahaha.)

Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is a human's way of saying you can't fire me, I quit.

I hear your silence loud and clear. (crickets chirping)

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them more.

Join the Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, and then kill them. (Then be killed yourself.)

Boys are like purses: cute, full of crap, and always replaceable

Boys are like skateboards, they can go fast but usually there pretty slow.

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse!

Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't. (Weird...)

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these men? (Dear murderer, please don’t kill me. Sincerely, me. That’s stupid.)

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear. (One… Two… Three… Fo- !#)

Education is important; school however, is another matter.

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

Don't mess with me I've got a stick.

I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends.

Boys are like slinkies, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs. (YES! They so are.)

I ran with scissors, and lived!

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, and I laugh even harder.

I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

Real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Yay! Now that is a cooler form of exercise!)

People who act friendly have an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination. (Raise your hand if this applies to you. raises hand)

If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese? (Good question.)

When two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetball? (Another good question.)


What a Boyfriend Should Do

When she walks away from you mad
Follow her
When she stare's at your mouth
Kiss her
When she pushes you or hit's you
Grab her and dont let go
When she start's cussing at you
Kiss her and tell her you love her
When she's quiet
Ask her whats wrong
When she ignore's you
Give her your attention
When she pull's away
Pull her back
When you see her at her worst
Tell her she's beautiful
When you see her start crying
Just hold her and dont say a word
When you see her walking
Sneak up and hug her waist from behind
When she's scared
Protect her
When she lay's her head on your shoulder
Tilt her head up and kiss her
When she steal's your favorite hat
Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night
When she tease's you
Tease her back and make her laugh
When she doesnt answer for a long time
reassure her that everything is okay
When she look's at you with doubt
Back yourself up
When she say's that she like's you
she really does more than you could understand
When she grab's at your hands
Hold her's and play with her fingers
When she bump's into you
bump into her back and make her laugh
When she tell's you a secret
keep it safe and untold
When she looks at you in your eyes
dont look away until she does
When she misses you
she's hurting inside
When you break her heart
the pain never really goes away
When she says its over
she still wants you to be hers
When she repost this bulletin
she wants you to read it -
Stay on the phone with her even if shes not saying anything.-
When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go-
When she says she's ok dont believe it, talk with her-
because 10 yrs later she'll remember you-
Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her-
Call her before you sleep and after you wake up-
Treat her like she's all that matters to you.-
Tease her and let her tease you back.-
Stay up all night with her when she's sick.-
Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.-
Give her the world.-
Let her wear your clothes.-
When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.-
Let her know she's important.-
Kiss her in the pouring rain.-
When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;
"Who's butt am I kicking, Sweet??"
If you post this in the next five minutes the one you love will :
Call you.
Kiss you.
Love you.
Text you.
Guys post as: "i'd be this boyfriend."
Girls post as: "A true boyfriend " or " what a boyfriend should do"

(i don't have a boyfriend, but i totally agree with this!)...I wish the guy I liked would follow this!!

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

I'm Not Falling For You by ronOReds reviews
Bella get's picked to be on a dating reality show! How will the guys show their love and who will be the last one standing!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 18 - Words: 60,235 - Reviews: 3292 - Favs: 2,584 - Follows: 745 - Updated: 11/12/2014 - Published: 12/17/2007 - Complete
Bad Romance by CrystalBrooke reviews
AH. Bella is the New Girl. Edward is the school bad boy, with the rumours and reputation to match. Is any of it true? Will Edward's bet wreck everything he didn't even know he wanted? Street races, parties, piercings and a motorbike equals romance?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 21 - Words: 62,417 - Reviews: 981 - Favs: 701 - Follows: 589 - Updated: 6/28/2013 - Published: 12/8/2009 - Bella, Edward
Dark Elixir by MoneyTunes10 reviews
Manipulative, obsessively possessive Edward wants Bella...just not yet...and he is going to teach her an unforgettable lesson for her defiance. AH, AU, OOC
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 17 - Words: 59,034 - Reviews: 677 - Favs: 748 - Follows: 797 - Updated: 1/18/2013 - Published: 10/24/2010 - Edward, Bella
Hit By Destiny outtakes by ocdmess reviews
Outtakes from the story "Hit By Destiny".
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama - Chapters: 3 - Words: 26,356 - Reviews: 557 - Favs: 1,166 - Follows: 1,067 - Updated: 12/31/2012 - Published: 3/27/2011 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Hit By Destiny by ocdmess reviews
Bella wants to die, and almost gets her wish fulfilled when she gets hit by a shiny Volvo. She is left with serious injuries, and the only thing keeping her from dying is the person who hit her. All Human, Rated M for language, dark themes & violence.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 59 - Words: 463,685 - Reviews: 20101 - Favs: 11,728 - Follows: 6,913 - Updated: 11/29/2012 - Published: 10/24/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Sick Sad Little World by Jenn0615 reviews
The first time, we were at a party. I spilled punch on him and he slapped me in the face for messing up his new shirt. Rated T for abuse and language. Eventually Edward/Bella! AU and ALL-HUMAN
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Angst - Chapters: 13 - Words: 24,944 - Reviews: 99 - Favs: 94 - Follows: 73 - Updated: 8/6/2012 - Published: 6/22/2009 - Bella, Edward
Wife SwapCullen Edition! by lovelypurplefairy reviews
What happens when Alice and Jasper sign the entire family up for Wife Swap? Post BD. All vampires, includes Nessie and Jake. Read if you want a good laugh!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Family - Chapters: 9 - Words: 8,780 - Reviews: 168 - Favs: 91 - Follows: 118 - Updated: 2/19/2012 - Published: 6/19/2009
Cullen Wife Swap by BMC1984 reviews
What happens when Emmett and Jasper sign the Cullen's up for wife swap. How will Esme deal with being with a new family? How will the Cullen's deal with a Human living in the house? Post Breaking Dawn Includes Nessie, Jacob, Edward Bella, normal pairings.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Family - Chapters: 57 - Words: 82,417 - Reviews: 1442 - Favs: 954 - Follows: 310 - Updated: 2/12/2012 - Published: 4/21/2009 - Edward, Emmett - Complete
Nightmares and Dreams by mystery of the mist reviews
Eleven-year-old Rosalie Hale is abused and Dr. Cullen and his wife want to adopt her. Her abusive parents aren't thrilled with the idea. WARNING: CONTAINS CORPORAL PUNISHMENT/DISCIPLINARY SPANKING OF AN ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Family/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 19 - Words: 25,495 - Reviews: 231 - Favs: 125 - Follows: 117 - Updated: 12/8/2011 - Published: 1/21/2010 - Rosalie, Carlisle - Complete
Masen Academy by Fighting for Words reviews
Its London, 1899, and three friends Bella, Alice, and Rosalie are attending the exclusive school Masen Academy. Edward, Jasper, and Emmett are attending the brother school Cullen Academy. When they meet sparks are certain to fly. AU.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 27 - Words: 64,694 - Reviews: 330 - Favs: 196 - Follows: 165 - Updated: 6/30/2011 - Published: 6/27/2008 - Bella, Edward
Are You Up for A Game of Truth or Dare? by belwight reviews
The Cullens play their favorite pastime. What else? Truth or Dare? Chaos ensues and secrets are revealed. Slight OOC. Please read.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 18 - Words: 12,154 - Reviews: 125 - Favs: 73 - Follows: 52 - Updated: 6/23/2011 - Published: 4/15/2009 - Complete
The Police of Forks Has My Heart by DreamGirl123 reviews
Bella Swan is a girl that could care less about her life. She hangs out with the wrong crowd and is always in trouble. But one night she takes it too far and her punishment is to ride-a-long with a cop for 2 weeks, the cop being the one and only, Edward
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Tragedy - Chapters: 23 - Words: 47,063 - Reviews: 591 - Favs: 262 - Follows: 282 - Updated: 6/21/2011 - Published: 2/8/2010 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Crazy Cullen Sex Talk by Love Is Courage Baby reviews
It all starts off as a harmless sexual education video... But that starts everything off. Blood flavoured condoms? Emmett a male prostitute? Alice and Jasper having sex in Edward's car? Lots of crazy, funny stuff starts to happen.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 20 - Words: 22,143 - Reviews: 750 - Favs: 381 - Follows: 274 - Updated: 6/2/2011 - Published: 1/29/2009 - Emmett, Carlisle
Our Fantasies by cass189 reviews
Bella decides to fulfill one of Edward's fantasies. All-Human. Lemons!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 17 - Words: 52,940 - Reviews: 181 - Favs: 426 - Follows: 318 - Updated: 2/26/2011 - Published: 12/19/2008 - Edward, Bella
New Kids on the Block by Red Nevada Rose reviews
The Cullens are moving... again. It's Renesmee's first time in high school and Jacob comes along. But what happens when Renesmee gets in touch with what high school is really like: friends, boys, snotty girls, teachers? Please read-review! T for language.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 13 - Words: 19,894 - Reviews: 124 - Favs: 62 - Follows: 52 - Updated: 2/16/2011 - Published: 6/1/2009 - Renesmee C./Nessie, Jacob
Truth or Dare High School Friends by TWILIGHT LOVERR OFICIALL reviews
Bella, Edward and the rest of the cullens are attending to Forks high school. One day, the students stay locked in school because of a snow storm and they start playing truth or dare. Very embarassing. Bella is still human, but is engaged to Edward.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 8 - Words: 4,965 - Reviews: 201 - Favs: 183 - Follows: 146 - Updated: 1/29/2011 - Published: 3/22/2009 - Edward, Bella
Things a Vampire Can’t Do by JasperSAYSrelax128 reviews
A series of VERY FUNNY one-shots of things our favorite vampires can't do. Set in Eclipse. Brought to you by JasperSAYSrelax128 writer of "Oops, he did it again!"
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 12 - Words: 5,383 - Reviews: 357 - Favs: 217 - Follows: 113 - Updated: 1/26/2011 - Published: 6/22/2009 - Complete
Oops, he did it again! by JasperSAYSrelax128 reviews
When the family goes hunting,Emmett and Jasper Bella-sit. They decide to play truth or dare. Contains Jasper in Wal-Mart, Bella kissing, Emmett in jail? and Blue paint...will Emmett get in trouble...AGAIN? Won the Fanpire Fanfiction Best Humor award!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 51 - Words: 68,268 - Reviews: 3118 - Favs: 1,747 - Follows: 558 - Updated: 1/26/2011 - Published: 4/23/2009 - Complete
It All Started With a Comment by JasperSAYSrelax128 reviews
Sequel to "Oops, he did it Again!" Funny One-shots of crazy, hilarious, insanely awesome incidents that all started...with a comment. All Vampire, no Renemesmee, Wolves may show up later.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 12 - Words: 9,328 - Reviews: 733 - Favs: 430 - Follows: 291 - Updated: 1/26/2011 - Published: 8/11/2009
School Drama with the Cullens by h2ocatluvr33 reviews
The Cullens find a 5 year old Bella in a car crash with her dead parents. They take her in and raise her. What happens when they go to the same school? Add in flirting boys, jealousy, overprotective brothers, love, and drama could make things interesting
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 8,828 - Reviews: 96 - Favs: 81 - Follows: 89 - Updated: 12/15/2010 - Published: 7/26/2009 - Bella
Wife Swap: Cullen vs Clyne by xocullen4everxo reviews
Emmett decides to sign up Esme for Wife Swap. What will happen when she switches places with a woman from Oregon? Will the Cullens like their new mommy?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 20 - Words: 31,836 - Reviews: 842 - Favs: 514 - Follows: 435 - Updated: 12/4/2010 - Published: 6/20/2009
We should have just played bored games! by Jacob is so mine reviews
Everyone is extremely bored so they decide to play a game of truth or dare.It gets really crazy...there going to all wish they never agreed to this.I know there are alot of these already but i swear this one is hilarious and very original
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 56 - Words: 98,055 - Reviews: 764 - Favs: 185 - Follows: 110 - Updated: 11/26/2010 - Published: 7/27/2009
Desolate Pasts and Hopeful Futures by MissMonnicaElectronica reviews
Bella moves to Forks to start fresh. There she meets Edward, a boy whom is the school loser and bullied on a daily basis. Bella sets out to save him from a life of living hell, but in the mean time Edward attempts to save her, too. Lemons, AU, AH, OOCish.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 11 - Words: 36,947 - Reviews: 121 - Favs: 91 - Follows: 82 - Updated: 11/1/2010 - Published: 4/11/2010 - Bella, Edward
Darke Academy by NightLark reviews
Phil insists Bella goes to a boarding school to get her out of the way. but this isn't a regular boarding school. this is an exclusive all boy vampire school. the girls are only there for one reason. Rated M for lemons later .
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 22 - Words: 16,966 - Reviews: 379 - Favs: 357 - Follows: 242 - Updated: 10/18/2010 - Published: 5/27/2010 - Bella, Edward - Complete
The Academy by SparkleBOT reviews
School: "A very boring form of punishment for all of my family. Sure, I guess this one was different. I mean, what would you call a school where your old human friend was alive and immortal? You tell me because I have no idea..." 75 years after BD.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 16,287 - Reviews: 31 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 17 - Updated: 8/15/2010 - Published: 6/26/2009
Teacher Dearest by Grace Cullen reviews
Bella Swan is a kindergarten teacher who everyone adores. But after getting horrible news she moves to Florida and starts to teach there. In Florida she meets two small emerald-eyed children, Emma and Nick, who belong to no other than Edward Cullen. AH.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 27 - Words: 42,159 - Reviews: 1021 - Favs: 742 - Follows: 440 - Updated: 8/8/2010 - Published: 5/6/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Cullens At Walmart by InsertRandomPenNameHere reviews
If possible, Alice's grin turned even bigger as she handed each of us a sheet of paper. On the paper, it read :Things NOT To Do At Wal-Mart...uh-oh. *this is my first fanfiction ever, im still really new to the whole thing, please be nice : *
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Family - Chapters: 6 - Words: 4,253 - Reviews: 42 - Favs: 18 - Follows: 17 - Updated: 7/25/2010 - Published: 7/10/2010 - Alice, Emmett
Twilight Characters visit the set of TWILIGHT! by MyBoyfriendEdwardSparkles reviews
Woah! Why do Bella and Edward have mega-phones? Why is Catherine pulling her hair out? And you know that deer out the start of the movie? Who knew, but he's a DI-VA!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 26 - Words: 13,419 - Reviews: 523 - Favs: 149 - Follows: 79 - Updated: 7/4/2010 - Published: 5/17/2009
Breaking the Abusive Silence by Ms. Jessica Cullen reviews
When Bella's mom dies of breast cancer, Bella moves to Forks with her dad in hopes of a better life. Charlie succumbs to alcoholism and starts abusing her. Edward Cullen torments her as well, but when shes forced to go to him, her bully, for help, can he?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 31 - Words: 107,029 - Reviews: 1794 - Favs: 1,812 - Follows: 671 - Updated: 7/2/2010 - Published: 4/2/2010 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Getting Kicked Out Of Wal Mart by readinangel reviews
When Alice get an email about what not to do in Wal Mart, she decides she wants to test them out. She brings Em, Ed, Bell, Rose, and Jazz along, and it results in choas! Warning: you will laugh. Characters mostly in cannon!
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 28 - Words: 20,835 - Reviews: 1310 - Favs: 512 - Follows: 249 - Updated: 7/1/2010 - Published: 2/4/2009 - Complete
Forks Again by l'ordinateur de terre reviews
After many years, the Cullen's return to Forks, to face high school--again. People hitting on the Cullens, Emmett's pranks, school dances, and any other thing that could happen in high school. POST BREAKING DAWN.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 11 - Words: 21,277 - Reviews: 291 - Favs: 191 - Follows: 171 - Updated: 6/28/2010 - Published: 12/27/2008
How to skip class: Cullen Style by InMyOwnWords reviews
This is how the Cullens get out of that boring, tedious place we call school.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Family - Chapters: 8 - Words: 3,717 - Reviews: 228 - Favs: 167 - Follows: 148 - Updated: 6/15/2010 - Published: 8/4/2007
To Return to the Past by angelic-bitch reviews
Back in high school Edward was popular and Bella was not. He picked on her and only her. Ten years have gone by and it's time for their high school reunion. He has changed, but will she allow herself to see that? Or will she continue to hate him?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 6 - Words: 9,280 - Reviews: 100 - Favs: 85 - Follows: 88 - Updated: 5/8/2010 - Published: 8/16/2009 - Bella, Edward
Emmett's 16 fun things to do in an elevator! by MyBoyfriendEdwardSparkles reviews
Emmett discovers a list so magical, he beleives it was created by unicorns! He must complete this list! 16 days, 16 fun things to do in an elevator. What could go wrong?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 31 - Words: 31,469 - Reviews: 856 - Favs: 317 - Follows: 111 - Updated: 5/5/2010 - Published: 4/19/2009 - Emmett - Complete
The Expression Of Hate by cass189 reviews
Written for the Best Domination Ever Contest. Bella really hated Edward, despite how much she loved it when he did really bad things to her. EXB Lemons!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 2 - Words: 5,569 - Reviews: 62 - Favs: 254 - Follows: 66 - Updated: 5/2/2010 - Published: 4/12/2010 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Desolate Pasts and Hopeful Futures OuttakesExtras by MissMonnicaElectronica reviews
This is where I will be adding all the little things that were not included in the story. Thank you for reading! Enjoy!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 850 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 2 - Published: 5/2/2010
Hands Off by Alice-Jaspers Girl reviews
Alice is being flirted with by a very annoying hormonal teenager.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 702 - Reviews: 22 - Favs: 26 - Follows: 4 - Published: 4/13/2010 - Alice, Jasper - Complete
Naughty Secrets by A Little Distracted reviews
Bella is a school librarian leading a naughty secret life. Edward is a history teacher with a naughty obsession. If he could only see what is right in front of his face... AU/AH - Rated M for Hot LEMONS! Each chapter alternates POV's
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Fantasy/Romance - Chapters: 23 - Words: 146,129 - Reviews: 2320 - Favs: 2,096 - Follows: 1,369 - Updated: 4/12/2010 - Published: 11/16/2009 - Bella, Edward
88 Things The New Moon Movie Has Taught Us by MyBoyfriendEdwardSparkles reviews
New Moon? Not educational? YEAH RIGHT!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 953 - Reviews: 362 - Favs: 211 - Follows: 147 - Updated: 3/27/2010 - Published: 1/31/2010
Diamond in the Rough Part 4 by Moonchild707 reviews
Now a senior in high school, Bella is trying to live a normal life with her vampire family. But what happens when Edward's newfound affection, Victoria's return and the struggles of being a teenager provide her with more problems than she anticipated?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 30 - Words: 79,392 - Reviews: 1705 - Favs: 655 - Follows: 331 - Updated: 3/27/2010 - Published: 12/29/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Wife Swap: Cullen Vs Newton by hotflower06 reviews
5 years after Breaking Dawn, both Edward and Bella and the recent married Jessica and Mike end up on Wife Swap. What will happen? Does Mike still love Bella? how can the Cullens possibly hide they're secret with Jessica around? And who's James?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Family/Drama - Chapters: 27 - Words: 34,469 - Reviews: 518 - Favs: 249 - Follows: 210 - Updated: 3/13/2010 - Published: 1/2/2009 - Bella, Jessica
Reunions by kakes reviews
Edward was always the hottie of the school, and he hated it.All the girls loved him Except Bell Swan, the one he truley loved. Years later at the high school reunion all sorts of things happen. All Edwards POV. R&R please
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 10 - Words: 7,565 - Reviews: 144 - Favs: 94 - Follows: 139 - Updated: 2/24/2010 - Published: 11/2/2008 - Edward, Bella
21 things that the cullen's can't do by team sparkel fleas reviews
excatly what it says !
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 604 - Reviews: 38 - Favs: 22 - Follows: 18 - Updated: 2/22/2010 - Published: 3/6/2009 - Emmett, Jasper
The Bet by Giselle2013 reviews
Alice and Edward have made a bet. Edward isn't allowed to touch Bella. Alice isn't allowed to go shopping. This story is filled with outrageous costumes, scheming vampires, bra's, and...strip clubs?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Angst - Chapters: 14 - Words: 30,981 - Reviews: 183 - Favs: 122 - Follows: 105 - Updated: 2/14/2010 - Published: 6/11/2009
My Angel Is A Centerfold by SophiaAnne reviews
Edward's homeroom angel has been fueling his spank bank for years. What happens when he finds out he's got to share her with the rest of the world?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 17,636 - Reviews: 205 - Favs: 328 - Follows: 154 - Updated: 2/10/2010 - Published: 1/13/2010 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Wife Swap: Cullen vs Wickers by Portrait reviews
The Cullen family signs up for the show Wife Swap. Parody.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Family/Parody - Chapters: 19 - Words: 36,105 - Reviews: 419 - Favs: 360 - Follows: 191 - Updated: 1/31/2010 - Published: 7/17/2009 - Esme, Alice - Complete
88 things the Twilight movie has taught us! by MyBoyfriendEdwardSparkles reviews
Twilight? Not educational? YEAH RIGHT!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 10 - Words: 2,109 - Reviews: 815 - Favs: 315 - Follows: 171 - Updated: 1/27/2010 - Published: 8/10/2009
Diamond in the Rough Part 1 by Moonchild707 reviews
Bella Swan is a six year old little girl living with her abusive father. When the new student teacher, Miss Hale arrives, how will Bella's life change? Rated M for child abuse, dark. Part 1 of a series. Based on true events.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Hurt/Comfort/Family - Chapters: 34 - Words: 81,901 - Reviews: 1854 - Favs: 1,296 - Follows: 418 - Updated: 1/11/2010 - Published: 6/20/2009 - Bella - Complete
Return of the Principal by bemj11 reviews
Sequel to The Principal's Office. The principal decides to pay the Cullen family a visit at home. One-shot. Complete.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,540 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 92 - Follows: 9 - Published: 1/3/2010 - Esme, Jasper - Complete
Diamond in the Rough Part 3 by Moonchild707 reviews
Bella is back in Forks with her adoptive family, and is now a junior in high school. What happens when her world is turned upside down and life as she knows it takes a turn for the worst? How does Bella cope when someone she loves leaves her?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Family/Angst - Chapters: 31 - Words: 66,534 - Reviews: 1715 - Favs: 651 - Follows: 316 - Updated: 12/29/2009 - Published: 9/29/2009 - Bella - Complete
Adventures In Forks High by EmotionallyConfuzzled reviews
What will happen when Forks High School get's snowed in? With all of the Cullens in there! They Spend the night? Mike tries to be sexy for Bella? Edward loses control? Will Jasper have fun with emotions? Kareoke? Truth or Dare! One crazy night is ahead.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 12 - Words: 13,749 - Reviews: 703 - Favs: 450 - Follows: 381 - Updated: 12/27/2009 - Published: 4/8/2009
Illuminations by twilightsagatotalluver reviews
Rosalie's diary 1933-eternity. This tells about her life human and vampire! Enjoy enjoy ENJOY! REVIEW!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 7 - Words: 3,593 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 12/14/2009 - Published: 11/4/2009 - Rosalie
101 Things the Cullens Are Not Allowed to do by Ef0818HaleCullen reviews
A list of things the Cullen kids and Jacob can't do. It's funny, or so i think. Rated T.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Family/Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 6,805 - Reviews: 109 - Favs: 77 - Follows: 32 - Updated: 11/27/2009 - Published: 7/27/2009
Faking It by spanglemaker9 reviews
Half of Hollywood's most famous couples are faking it. That's how Bella Swan's publicist convinces her to pretend to date troubled Hollywood bad boy Edward Cullen. And she'll do anything for her band and her music.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 32 - Words: 144,679 - Reviews: 5748 - Favs: 9,459 - Follows: 3,161 - Updated: 10/30/2009 - Published: 6/20/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Haven by Triskelesque reviews
Bella is a student by day, stripper by night. Her life has been complicated, she lives only for herself. But when she meets Edward Cullen her whole way of life is challenged. Dark, gritty fic. Rated for language, future lemons and stripper sexiness.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 9,109 - Reviews: 74 - Favs: 101 - Follows: 170 - Updated: 10/27/2009 - Published: 3/8/2009 - Edward, Bella
Diamond in the Rough Part 2 by Moonchild707 reviews
Bella, living in Alaska, is now 11 years old and a happy, normal kid. When her family decides to enrol her in mainstream school, how will she deal with the horrors of the sixth grade classroom, and three nasty classmates?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Family/Drama - Chapters: 31 - Words: 67,782 - Reviews: 1667 - Favs: 770 - Follows: 326 - Updated: 9/29/2009 - Published: 8/9/2009 - Bella - Complete
Locker Room Talk by SeanEmma4Evr reviews
What happens behind closed doors in the boy's locker room of Forks High? For Mike Newton, locker room talk can be both silly, deceitful, and insightful.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,855 - Reviews: 47 - Favs: 133 - Follows: 25 - Published: 9/22/2009 - Mike - Complete
Student Teacher Relations by tammyxcullen reviews
Edward is the new English teacher at Forks Academy while Bella is the gorgeous student. Can these two keep their love hidden?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 18,994 - Reviews: 125 - Favs: 236 - Follows: 261 - Updated: 9/19/2009 - Published: 9/16/2009 - Bella, Edward
Cullenary Educaton: Forks Sex Ed by MarcyJ reviews
Set at the End of Bella's Junior Year. Hilarity ensues when the Forks Gang is forced to endure Sex Education class with Coach Clapp. Chapter 1 is Jasper POV, and each subsequent chapter is from the perspective of a different character.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 6 - Words: 22,726 - Reviews: 2129 - Favs: 3,539 - Follows: 1,646 - Updated: 8/28/2009 - Published: 4/2/2007
Bad Girlfriend by Radd Rach reviews
Bella Swan is a bad girlfriend, as in naughty, to Edward Cullen. Edward Cullen is a geeky guy that just so happens to have a naughty girl as his girlfriend; Bella Swan. Lemony. AH. OOC.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,183 - Reviews: 181 - Favs: 233 - Follows: 249 - Updated: 8/25/2009 - Published: 6/15/2009 - Bella, Edward
Back At Forks High School by yalrac reviews
What happens when 100 years later the Cullen's come back to Fork High School. I know it's a stupid title but it was all i could think of.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Family - Chapters: 29 - Words: 63,557 - Reviews: 429 - Favs: 138 - Follows: 98 - Updated: 8/25/2009 - Published: 2/6/2009
Truth or Dare a day with the Cullens by lizzyvamp1901 reviews
It all started with a game of Truth or Dare. Now, the Cullens will remember that summer for the rest of their eternal lives. WARNING This fanfiction includes Edward as a stripper, DETENTION, Jazz being eaten and Bella getting arrested... by Charlie.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Family - Chapters: 43 - Words: 33,338 - Reviews: 1792 - Favs: 1,024 - Follows: 497 - Updated: 8/21/2009 - Published: 12/2/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Renesmee's New Life by RavenclawVampire14 reviews
This takes place a few years after Breaking Dawn. Nessie and the Cullens moved to a new school in Maine. Deaths, lawsuits, and the almost secret revealing accurs. Rated T for swear words.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Family/Humor - Chapters: 25 - Words: 22,554 - Reviews: 141 - Favs: 35 - Follows: 24 - Updated: 8/2/2009 - Published: 3/29/2009 - Renesmee C./Nessie
Sexy Back! by FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut reviews
Its Edwards birthday and his family and Bella decide to surprise him with a present. Too bad its going to be given to him in front of the whole school, and of course its not your average present either! -One Shot-
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,001 - Reviews: 255 - Favs: 206 - Follows: 68 - Updated: 8/1/2009 - Published: 8/12/2008 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Twilight Speak! by MyBoyfriendEdwardSparkles reviews
A whole lot of twilight quotes, phrases, people and place names, plus their more honest, funny translations.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 4 - Words: 939 - Reviews: 136 - Favs: 94 - Follows: 42 - Updated: 7/17/2009 - Published: 4/20/2009 - Complete
Emmett, What Did You Teach My Daughter? by JakeisNessiesBitch reviews
Emmett makes a game out of teaching Renesmee naughty things...and pissing off Edward ALL HUMAN rated T for language
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Family - Chapters: 2 - Words: 6,486 - Reviews: 54 - Favs: 39 - Follows: 20 - Updated: 7/13/2009 - Published: 7/6/2009 - Emmett, Renesmee C./Nessie
Cheater by lionxlambx17 reviews
To her horror, Nessie finds that Jake is cheating on her with a skinny-as-stick, bleach blonde prep girl. She takes action by dating a guy from school, but will she regret it?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 7,304 - Reviews: 35 - Favs: 19 - Follows: 10 - Updated: 7/10/2009 - Published: 7/7/2009 - Renesmee C./Nessie, Jacob
Cullens Chat room by Misslittlepinkbag reviews
See what is happening in the cullens chatroom this is the last one of the series only 3
Twilight - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 3 - Words: 2,448 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 6/13/2009 - Published: 5/22/2009 - Complete
A Broken Promise by Lizzzardd reviews
Renesmee's first day of school.Group of guys surround her.She fights and wins but to what consquence?This guy wants payback and will do anything to get it.What will he do? Will he figure out their secret?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Suspense - Chapters: 5 - Words: 3,436 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 6/11/2009 - Published: 4/13/2009 - Renesmee C./Nessie
ALICE CULLEN by Daddy's Little Bloodsucker reviews
If you are reading this, that means you've just purchased your very own ALICE CULLEN. Go through the guide for more information on the item purchased. Funny.one-shot
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,069 - Reviews: 38 - Favs: 54 - Follows: 11 - Updated: 6/8/2009 - Published: 5/24/2009 - Alice - Complete
A Students Love, A Teachers Torture by BeatrizCrespo reviews
Edward is the new teacher at Forks High, Emmett is Bella's brother. What happens when a teacher falls in love with the cops daughter, his freinds sister, and his best student? AH, M.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 37 - Words: 78,210 - Reviews: 389 - Favs: 493 - Follows: 239 - Updated: 6/2/2009 - Published: 5/8/2009 - Bella, Edward
The Principal's Office by bemj11 reviews
What had I done to deserve this? What could I have possibly done that was so horrible, so wicked, so vile, that as punishment I currently had all eight of the Cullens sitting in my office? The Cullens get sent to the principal's office. plete.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,618 - Reviews: 54 - Favs: 181 - Follows: 24 - Published: 5/15/2009 - Carlisle, Jasper - Complete
EMMETT CULLEN by Daddy's Little Bloodsucker reviews
If you are reading this, that means you've just purchased your very own EMMETT CULLEN. Go throught the guide for more information on the item purchased. Funny.one-shot
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,265 - Reviews: 80 - Favs: 93 - Follows: 11 - Updated: 5/11/2009 - Published: 3/8/2009 - Emmett - Complete
EDWARD CULLEN by Daddy's Little Bloodsucker reviews
If you are reading this, that means you've just purchased your very own EDWARD CULLEN. Go throught the guide for more information on the item purchased. Funny.one-shot
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,238 - Reviews: 96 - Favs: 113 - Follows: 18 - Updated: 5/11/2009 - Published: 3/6/2009 - Edward - Complete
Playing To The Heart by sez-princess reviews
Bad Boy Edward is forced to participate in the school play, alongside school nerd Bella. She'll challenge everything he's ever known - but does he care enough to change? Complete with Epilogue.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 22 - Words: 79,800 - Reviews: 592 - Favs: 1,030 - Follows: 432 - Updated: 5/1/2009 - Published: 2/5/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Happy Cullen Halloween by Misslittlepinkbag reviews
Its halloween at the Cullens, see how they handle the festivities
Twilight - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 798 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 5/1/2009 - Published: 4/30/2009
100 Things I Emmett Cullen Am not allowed to do! by The Real Emmett Cullen reviews
NOT ALLOWED TO DO!
Twilight - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,990 - Reviews: 36 - Favs: 75 - Follows: 19 - Published: 4/28/2009 - Emmett - Complete
Thats what big uncles are for! by Misslittlepinkbag reviews
This is a short story- in my terms- of how great Emmett and jaz are....when they start school for the first time AGAIN. This is from nessie's POV. enjoy and review xxx p.s the start is not the beggining only when its starts "i was sitting in my usual..."
Twilight - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 3 - Words: 1,894 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 4/26/2009 - Published: 4/14/2009 - Emmett, Jasper
Odd Reactions by Pseudostar432 reviews
Why the Cullens had to leave their school before the one in Alaska, From the Principal's POV
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 6,712 - Reviews: 34 - Favs: 56 - Follows: 9 - Published: 4/20/2009 - Complete
Trading Spouses Vamp Style by EdwardLuvr22 reviews
Lovely Esme doesn't bet right? Emmett decides to change that. What would happen if this bet landed the entire Cullen family into a popular TV show known as Trading Spouses? Well let's find out...
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Humor - Chapters: 19 - Words: 85,550 - Reviews: 870 - Favs: 237 - Follows: 246 - Updated: 4/5/2009 - Published: 7/8/2008
A new Friend by drummerlover reviews
Renesmee is done aging and decides to go to high school. she gains a friend and as time goes by, they get closer and closer, and renesmee starts having trouble keeping her family secret. she learns about the high school life and hormonal teenage boys.
Twilight - Rated: K - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,630 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 3/18/2009 - Published: 1/27/2009 - Renesmee C./Nessie, Jacob
Vampire Bella Goes to School by tammyxcullen reviews
Bella goes to school as a vampire.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 7,975 - Reviews: 125 - Favs: 205 - Follows: 111 - Published: 3/16/2009 - Bella, Edward
Just Another All Human Fanfic by Summer Leah reviews
Title pretty much says it all. M for language and lemons in later chapters.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,353 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 11 - Updated: 3/1/2009 - Published: 1/29/2009 - Bella
Wife Swap Vampires vs Humans by Twilightfan413 reviews
Wife Swap Twilight saga addition. Takes place after Breaking Dawn.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 359 - Reviews: 15 - Favs: 24 - Follows: 29 - Published: 2/3/2009 - Alice
Starting Again by lou-thewriter reviews
A Story about Bella's second first day of school at a new high school in Alaska. Told from Bella's point of view. Rated T for sex.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 6 - Words: 6,707 - Reviews: 58 - Favs: 48 - Follows: 45 - Updated: 1/27/2009 - Published: 11/30/2008 - Edward, Bella
Wife Swap: Cullen's vs Carter's by Sara811 reviews
*Sequel to What Not to Wear: Bella Swan* To get her revenge, Bella puts Alice on the show Wife Swap. When Alice switches into a hillbilly family from Tennesee, all kinds of commotion happens.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 6 - Words: 5,149 - Reviews: 91 - Favs: 48 - Follows: 70 - Updated: 1/11/2009 - Published: 11/10/2008
25 Ways for Emmett to Get Suspended by Melody Cullen reviews
Sequel to 50 Ways for Emmett to Annoy His Family! Only this time, he's wreaking havoc on Forks High School! How much can Principal Greene, and the rest of the Faculty take of Emmett's constant pranking before they lose it? READ AUTHOR'S NOTE INSIDE!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 513 - Reviews: 18 - Favs: 22 - Follows: 11 - Published: 6/3/2008 - Emmett
Family Therapy Cullen Style by vjgm reviews
Carlisle has had it with the children's constant bickering so he sends the Cullen's to family therapy. Suicidal Edward,Bella's fear of committment, Alice addicted to shopping, Rosalie's hostility, Emmett and Japer's gambling..who will survive? FUNNY
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 18 - Words: 69,221 - Reviews: 8371 - Favs: 7,501 - Follows: 1,725 - Updated: 5/15/2008 - Published: 11/10/2007 - Complete
Under Arrest by vjgm reviews
Add on to Family Therapy. Want to see what the Cullen kids did to get arrested and make Carlisle's Book of Shame? Read on! If you have not read family Therapy Cullen Style, this will not make sense.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 4,083 - Reviews: 698 - Favs: 1,073 - Follows: 294 - Published: 1/5/2008 - Complete
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Falling Star reviews
This is 4 years after Breaking Dawn. They go to school, stuff happens, I don't want to give it away. Callaberation with Hatake Nyra. Read it. I suck at summaries. First fan fic. Review!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 26 - Words: 56,540 - Reviews: 126 - Favs: 50 - Follows: 30 - Updated: 4/1/2011 - Published: 7/30/2009 - Renesmee C./Nessie
Fake ID reviews
Renesmme and Jacob get drunk and get married in Las Vegas! What will happen next? !
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 10 - Words: 9,001 - Reviews: 62 - Favs: 20 - Follows: 15 - Updated: 4/1/2011 - Published: 12/31/2009 - Renesmee C./Nessie, Jacob
Skipping Stones reviews
This is a instruction manual that Emmett writes for Nessie explaining how to skip school.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 14 - Words: 6,442 - Reviews: 119 - Favs: 49 - Follows: 43 - Updated: 2/12/2011 - Published: 11/25/2009 - Renesmee C./Nessie, Emmett
Natural Disaster reviews
Emmett and Rosalie are always causing disasters...natural...and not so natural...See how they cause them!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3,970 - Reviews: 13 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 3 - Updated: 11/27/2010 - Published: 11/6/2010 - Emmett, Rosalie
Meteor Shower reviews
This is a series of one shots about when/how the Cullens have gotten expelled. A hundred years after Breaking Dawn. They are recapping the stories. REVIEW!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 11 - Words: 23,588 - Reviews: 78 - Favs: 28 - Follows: 25 - Updated: 10/30/2010 - Published: 8/16/2009 - Renesmee C./Nessie
Midnight reviews
What happens when Renesmee goes street racing and wins...but the loser doesn't like that.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 5 - Words: 3,060 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 10/30/2010 - Published: 12/23/2009 - Renesmee C./Nessie
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