Author has written 7 stories for Twilight.
Hello anyone who reads this.
Info I'm willing to share:
I live in Australia (that's why if I ever say something wrong about American schooling system)
Step into her shoes series
I guess this is what I think Alexis looks a little like
I was bored, so I made a banner for the whole series
Okay, here's the banner just for Follow in her Footsteps
Here's the banner for Looking through her eyes
The Banner for Riding Down her Road
I am unbelievably skilled at cutting myself on strange things (not Emo, accidentally)
Here's what I've managed to cut myself of.
1. A cake tin
2. A loaf of bread (not the knife cutting it, the actual bread)
3. Opening a bottle.
5. A Take-away container
6. A hairbrush
7. A handrail
8. A macadamia
9. A sultana (Yeah, I don't know how either)
10. A stool
12. Grating cheese.
14. A Jar of Jam
15. A butter knife
16. Chicken bones
17. A Mullet (the fish, not the hairstyle)
18. A pencil case
19. Felt fabric
20. A TV Remote
21. A thong (as in the shoe, flip flops or whatever you Americans call it)
22. A keyboard
23. Coffee bean
24. Spray can
26. A cereal box
That's all I can remember so far. And yes, I don't know how I managed to cut myself on most of these. If anyone else has this talent for cutting themselves on weird thing please mail me and tell them.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
If you could read that, paste this to your profile
In Honor of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity.
DADDY”S RULES FOR DATING
Your dad’s rules for your boyfriend (or for if you’re a guy)
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you don’t peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about the issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with you underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the courses of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier Method’ of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and only word I need you to say on this subject is ‘early'.
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The Following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough too induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, mid-driff t shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose-parka, zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided: movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folk’s homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shot gun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of our car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a nice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as a wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face in the window is mine.
HUMAN GUYS VS. EDWARD CULLEN
A human guy can only push you out of the way of a speeding car.
That just made me laugh at it's lameness. Hm, maybe I should take it down.
Something to boost everyone's confidence
Scissors, Paper, Rock
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, "oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you!"
25 Things My mother taught me!
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
Man and Women
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Man: Is this seat empty?
Man: Your place or mine?
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Man : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Friends and Best Friends
FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you.
FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you.
FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall.
FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince.
FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying.
BEST FRIENDS: Will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!"
FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda.
FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month.
FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain.
FRIENDS: Will help you move.
FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail.
FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.
FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.
FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
FRIENDS: Will ask why you're crying. BEST FRIENDS: Already have a shovel out, ready to bury that loser that made you cry.
The Coloured Man
A black man walked into a bar and sat down. Then a white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away.
Don't worry, I'm not a racist, just found this funny
REARRANGE THE LETTERS
When you rearrange the letters:
THE MORSE CODE:
ELECTION - RESULTS:
A DECIMAL POINT:
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
STUFF TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR!
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.
23) THROW a ball up in the air as you start going down and when it hits the floor say: "Isn't it supposed to float?"
24) YELL "Wooooo!!" while raising your arms like your on a roller coaster.
25) STAND in front of the buttons and when someone asks you to move say "I can't, I'm stuck"
26) CHEW on a dog toy and act like nothing's wrong.
COPY AND PASTE INTO YOUR PROFILE! BOLD THE ONES THAT APPLY TO YOU
I'm into THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual
I'm a VIRGIN, so I MUST be a prude
I'm BI, so I MUST think every girl I see is hot
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly or crazy
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control
I'm WICCAN, so I MUST be a devil-worshipping baby killer
I SUCK MY OWN BLOOD FROM WOUNDS, so I MUST have a vampire fetish
I'm a good actor/actress, so I MUST be a liar
I'm a BLACK BELT, so I MUST always want to kick someone's ass
I'm a FEMALE BLACK BELT, so I MUST be a lesbian
I LIKE TO BE MYSELF, so I MUST be cocky and arrogant
I'm a BOHEMIAN, so I MUST be a lazy drug addict
I LOVE ANIMALS, so I MUST be a vegetarian
I'm a TREEHUGGER, so I MUST be a drug addicted hippie
I'm INTO JIMI HENDRIX, so I MUST be on drugs
I'm a MUSICIAN, so I MUST not be doing anything with my life
I have GOOD GRADES, so I MUST be a nerd or suck-up
I have GREEN SKIN, so I MUST be a wicked witch
I'm DIFFERENT, so I MUST just want attention
I'm an ACTOR/ACTRESS, so I MUST be mean
I'm THIN, so I MUST have an eating disorder
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a stupid ditz
I HAVE A LOT OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be dating them all
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST love math
I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly
I'm BLACK, so I MUST be on welfare
I'm PUNK, so I MUST slit my wrists
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob
I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist
I'm IRISH, so I MUST be an alcoholic
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore with a jock boyfriend
I'm a JEW, so I MUST be greedy
I LOVE RENT, so I MUST be an emo lesbian with AIDS
I'm a CHRISTIAN, so I MUST hear crazy God voices in my head
I'm AMERICAN, so I MUST be an overweight pig with no boundaries
I'm a GIRL, so I MUST suck at all guy sports
I like CATS, so I MUST dance like a cat in my spare time
I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser
I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IRRESPONSIBLE.
I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.
I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED.
I'm learning to speak GERMAN, so I MUST be a wannabe psycho Nazi
I WEAR GLASSES and RETAINERS, so I MUST be a nerd
I can't help pointing out mistakes so I MUST be an over-controlling perfectionist
I'm HALF ASIAN HALF BRITISH, so I MUST be short
I DON"T LIKE to talk about my personal life so I MUST be having problems
I'm IN BAND, so I MUST be a geek
I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST be rebellious
I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser
I DON'T HAVE A RELIGION, so I MUST not have morals
I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.
I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak.
I'm a DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay
I HAVE a BIG FAMILY siblings, so WE MUST be financially challenged
I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino.
I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.
I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.
I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.
I'm a DANCER, so I MUST be stupid, stuck up, and a whore
I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED
I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals
I'm AUSTRALIAN, soI MUST say G'day and Fairdinkum every second sentence.
I'm ALWAYS SMILING AND LAUGHING, so I MUST have a great life
I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS, so I MUST be looking for attention
I HANG OUT WITH GAYS, so I MUST be gay too
I COPIED AND PASTED THIS INTO MY PROFILE, so I MUST be a plagiarist
I FROWN a lot, so I MUST have a bad life
I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life
I get BAD GRADES, so I MUST be a slacker who doesn't try
I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.
I'm a JEW, so I MUST hate all Germans
I like to listen to HANNAH MONTANA, so I MUST be childish and immature
I am POLITE to TEACHERS, so I MUST be a teacher's pet
I don't have a SOCIAL LABEL, so I must just be Emo.
I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be Emo.
I FOUND THIS LIST AND COPIED IT INTO MY PROFILE IN AN ATTEMPT TO HELP STOP SOCIAL LABELS, SO I MUST HAVE NO LIFE.
Best friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you!
Friends are gods way of apologizing for family.
Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.
Life was so simple when boys had cooties.
All the good ones are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.
Let me know if anything I say offends you, I might wanna offend you later.
When I am at Hogwarts I will not: Sing "I'm Off to See the Wizard" when sent to the Headmasters office.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
I don't obsess! I think intensely.
I put the FUN in DisFUNctional :)
It's all fun and games until someone get hurt...then its hilarious.
I dream of a better tomorrow--when chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
I dont have a short attention span, i just...oh look, a kitty!
Never go to bed angry, stay up and plot your revenge.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Whose cruel idea was it for the words 'lisp' to have an 's' and 'l' in it?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Boys are like slinkeys. Completely useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES!
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder
Keep smiling- it makes everyone wonder what your up too
Children... you spend 2 years teaching them how to walk and talk, you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut up
I am NOT saying your stupid...I'm just implying it.
Best friends through thick and thin!
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird.
I was going to take over the world but got distracted by something sparkly
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
My knight in shining amour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?
I'm not littering...I'm donating to the Earth
girl only need 3 things: love to make her weak, alcohol to make her strong, and friends to help her up when the first 2 make her hit the ground.
We're not sarcastic-we're hilarious
We're not annoying-we're just cooler than you
We're not bitches-we just don't like you
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, and then kill them.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
I smile because I have no idea what's going on!
Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.
When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems...
You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?
Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get me!
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, everyone knows me here
I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute, screw the fruit
Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Has anyone else ever wondered how Alcoholics Anonymous stays Anonymous?
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that?
Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?
Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Trying is the first step toward failure.
I agree with the dictionary. girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.
You laugh because I'm different, I laugh because you're all the same.
The closer you get to the light, the bigger your shadow becomes.
Don't take life too seriously, it's not like you're getting out alive.
someone should seriosly sue walt disney for making every girl believe she has a prince charming
If at first you dont suceed ask him if he has a brother
the dinosaur extinction wasn't an accident - barney came and they all commited suicide
The difference between humour and tradgety is that humor is when it happens to someone else
Always forgive your enimies, nothing annoys them more
Remember, God made men first because you always need a rough draft before you make perfection
its not cheating untill you get caught
i love you is spelt with eight letters, but so is bullshit
do you believe in love at first sight or should i walk past again
I'm the froot loop in a world of cherrios.
You want to know who your real friends are? Screw up and see who's still there
Don't tell me the sky's the limit, when there's footprints on the moon
Silence is golden, duck-tape is sliver
"MENstrual pain, MENstrual cramps, MENtal anxiety, MENopause... all of our problems start with MEN!"
"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to find out they are not it."
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll, Speed, weed and Birth Control, Lifes a bitch until we die, so Fuck the world, lets get high.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
KINDERGARTEN: Where the definition of drama was stealing someone's crayons.
There's a time for compromise, its called later
Life, its nothing like the brochure
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. (Mean, yet I figure at least some of you laughed. Tsk, tsk.)
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up
Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
Education is important. Although school is another matter entirely.
Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Music is love in search of words.
Always forgive your enemies, it's the best way to annoy them out of their minds.
I used to be normal, until I met those freaks I now call my best friends.
I ran with scissors and lived!
I don't obsess. I just think intensely.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand Edward. =VampireCat3, actually. It just fits better here.=
The knack of flying is attempting to fall . . . and missing the ground.
Somebody needs a happy meal.
I find the phrase "Good Morning" an oxymoron.
Having the love of your life say "we can still be friends," is like your dog dying, and your mom saying you can keep it.
Your just jealous that the little voices are talking to me.
I knew something was wrong when my imaginary friends would talk to me.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems.
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