Author has written 19 stories for Chronicles of Narnia, Inheritance Cycle, Bleach, Once Upon a Time, Hobbit, and Being Human.
Michael Tritter: Merry Christmas
House: And a Happy Go-to-Hell.
Cuddy: Is that Vicodin?
House: Breath mint. Thought you were going to kiss me.
House: I don't ask why patients lie, I just assume they all do.
House: I've found that when you want to know the truth about someone, that someone is probably the last person you should ask.
House: Like I always say, there's no 'I' in team. There's a 'me,' if you jumble it up.
House: It's not what you think! I know it looks like we're cleaning dishes, but actually, we're having sex.
House: We can't ignore the blood because it is a minority, can we Foreman?
House: I teach you to lie, cheat, and steal, and as soon as my back's turned you wait in line?
Cuddy: Dr. House! Need you here.
House: No thanks. Lotta sick people. I might catch something.
House: You get married at twenty, you're going to be shocked who you're living with at thirty.
House: You know I get it if people are just looking for a way to fill the holes. But they want the holes. They wanna to live in the holes. And they go nuts when somebody else pours dirt in their holes. CLIMB OUT OF YOUR HOLES, PEOPLE!
House: If he gets better, I'm right, if he dies, you're right.
House: There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is -- in fact -- a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between love and hate.
House: Bros before hos, man.
House: Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?
Cuddy: Are you high?
House: If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted.
Cuddy: It's Wednesday.
House: Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me Greg. I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning. This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy.
Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will.
That is true, isn't it? But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you are particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin.
It's mine! You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem... but who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell.
So, who wants me?
Pirates of the Caribbean:
Lord Beckett: You're mad!
Jack Sparrow: well thats good cause If I wasn't, this'd probably never work.
Barbossa: There's not been a gathering like this in our lifetime.
Jack Sparrow: And I owe them all money.
Jack Sparrow: Did no one come to save me just because they missed me?
Elizabeth Swann: It never would've worked out between us.
Jack Sparrow: Keep telling yourself that, darling.
Will Turner: We're going to steal a ship? That ship?
Jack Sparrow: Commandeer. We're going to commandeer that ship. Nautical term.
Elizabeth Swann:It's real!
Norrington: You actually were telling the truth.
Jack Sparrow: I do that quite a lot. Yet people are always surprised.
Will Turner: With good reason.
Jack Sparrow: Do us a favor...I know it's difficult for you...but please, stay here, and try not to do anything...stupid.
Jack Sparrow: [to Pintel and Ragetti] Guard the boat, mind the tide... don't touch my dirt.
Jack Sparrow: Me? I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly...stupid.
Barbossa: How the blazes did you get off that island?
Jack Sparrow: When you marooned me on that god forsaken spit of land, you forgot one very important thing, mate: I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.
Murtogg:This dock is off-limits to civilians.
Jack Sparrow: I'm terribly sorry, I didn't know. If I see one, I shall inform you immediately. [Jack makes to continue but is blocked by Murtogg and Mullroy]
Jack Sparrow: Apparently there's some sort of high-toned and fancy to-do up at the fort, eh? How could it be that two upstanding gentlemen, such as yourselves, did not merit an invitation?
Murtogg: Someone's got to make sure that this dock stays off-limits to civilians.
Jack Sparrow: It's a fine goal, to be sure. But it seems to me... that a ship like that one, makes this one here seem a bit superfluous, really.
Murtogg: Oh, the Dauntless is the power in these waters, true enough. But there's no ship as can match the Interceptor for speed.
Jack Sparrow: I've heard of one, supposed to be very fast, nigh uncatchable: The Black Pearl.
Mullroy: Well, there's no real ship as can match the Interceptor.
Murtogg: The Black Pearl is a real ship.
Mullroy: No, it's not.
Murtogg: Yes it is, I've seen it.
Mullroy: You've seen it?
Mullroy: You haven't seen it.
Murtogg: Yes, I have.
Mullroy: You've seen a ship with black sails that's crewed by the damned, and captained by a man so evil that Hell itself spat him back out?
Murtogg: But I have seen a ship with black sails.
[Jack quietly slips passed them unnoticed]
Mullroy: Oh, and no ship that's not crewed by the damned and captained by a man so evil that Hell itself spat him back out could possibly have black sails, therefore couldn't possibly be any other ship than the Black Pearl. Is that what you're telling me?
Mullroy: Like I said, there's no real ship as can match the Interceptor.
Tia Dalma: Davey Jones cannot make port, cannot step on land but once every ten years. Land is where you are safe Jack Sparrow. And so you will carry land with you. [hands Jack a jar of dirt]
Jack Sparrow: Dirt. This is a jar of dirt.
Tia Dalma: Yes.
Jack Sparrow: Is the jar of dirt going to help?
Tia Dalma: If ya don't want it. Give it back.
Jack Sparrow: [turns away, hugging jar to his chest] No.
Tia Dalma: Then it helps.
Gibbs: So, we're setting out to find whatever this key unlocks.
Jack Sparrow: No. If we don't have the key, we can't open whatever we don’t have that it unlocks. So what purpose would be served in finding whatever need be unlocked, which we don't have, without first having found the key what unlocks it?
Will Turner: You cheated.
Jack Sparrow: Pirate.
Gibbs: Then, on the fourth day, he roped himself a couple of sea turtles, lashed 'em together and made a raft.
Will Turner: He roped a couple of sea turtles.
Gibbs: Aye. Sea turtles.
Will Turner: What did he use for rope?
Jack Sparrow: [from beside them] Human hair. [pause] From my back.
Jack Sparrow: [looking at all the swords] Who makes all these?
Will Turner: I do. And I practice with them three hours a day.
Jack Sparrow: You need to find yourself a girl mate. Or perhaps the reason you practice three hours a day is that you already found one, and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet. You're not a eunuch are you?
Will Turner: I practice three hours a day, so when I meet a pirate, I can kill it.
Jack Sparrow: Ah.
Jack Sparrow: Parleley, parlelellyleloooo, par le nee, partner, par... snip, parsley...
Jack Sparrow: That's the one. Parley. Parley.
Pintel: Parley? Damn to the depths whatever man what thought of "Parley".
Jack Sparrow: That would be the French.
Angelica: What were u doing ina a spanish convent?
Jack Sparrow: I thought it was a brothel. honest mistake.
Jack Sparrow: [holds up jar of dirt] Oi! Fishface! Lose something? Eh? Scungilli! [falls down stairs, holds up jar again]
Jack Sparrow: Got it! Come to negotiate, eh? Have you, you slimy git? Look what I got.
Jack Sparrow: [sing-song] I got a jar of dirt, I got a jar of dirt, and guess what's inside it!
Jack Sparrow: Now where is that monkey? I want to shoot something!
Lord of the Rings:
The Road goes ever on and on Down from the door where it began, Now far ahead the Road has gone, And I must follow if I can, Pursuing it with eager feet, Until it joins some larger way Where many path and errands meet. And whither then? I cannot say. (The Old Walking Song sung by Bilbo Baggins, Chapter 'A Long-Expected Party')
Gandalf: Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee, have you been eavesdropping?
Sam: I ain't been dropping no eaves, sir, honest! I was just cutting the grass under the window there, if you follow me.
Gandalf: A little late for trimming the verge, don't you think?
Sam: I heard raised voices.
Gandalf: What did you hear? Speak!
Sam: Oh, nothing important. That is, I heard a good deal about a Ring, and a Dark Lord, and something about the end of the world, but please Mr. Gandalf, sir, don't hurt me. Don't turn me into anything... un-natural.
Legolas: Lembas bread. One small bite is enough to fill the stomach of a grown man!
[Legolas walks away]
Merry: How many did you eat?
Aragorn: Gentlemen! We do not stop 'til nightfall.
Pippin: But what about breakfast?
Aragorn: You've already had it.
Pippin: We've had one, yes. But what about second breakfast?
[Aragorn stares at him, then walks off.]
Merry: Don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip.
Pippin: What about elevensies? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them, doesn't he?
Merry: I wouldn't count on it.
Gimli: It’s true you don’t see many Dwarf women. And in fact, they are so alike in voice and appearance, haha that they’re often mistaken for Dwarf men.
[Éowyn smiles and looks back at Aragorn.]
Aragorn: [Gestures and whispers] It’s the beards...
Gimli: Certainty of death, small chance of success--what are we waiting for?
Haldir: The dwarf breathes so loud we could have shot him in the dark.
Gimli: Well this is something unheard of! An elf will go underground where a dwarf dare not?
Pippin: Anyway, you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission... quest... thing.
Merry: Well, that rules you out, Pip!
Bilbo: I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
Frodo: Don't worry, Sam. Rosie knows an idiot when she sees one.
Sam: Does she?
Gimli (Jumping and straining to see): "What’s happening out there?
Legolas: Shall I describe it to you? Or would you like me to find you a box?
Bilbo: Are all these children yours? Gracious, you have been productive.
[after falling down a hill] Merry: I think I've broken something. [pulls out a broken carrot]
Pippin: Oh... That's nice. Ash on my tomatoes!
Merry: [On Midgewater Marshes] What do they eat when they can't get hobbit?
Gandalf: I once knew every spell in all the tongues of Elves... Men... and Orcs.
Pippin: What are you going to do, then?
Gandalf: Knock your head against these doors, Peregrin Took! And if that does not shatter them, and I am allowed a little peace from foolish questions, I will try to find the opening words.
Pippin: Are we lost?
Pippin: I think we are.
Merry: Shh. Gandalf's thinkin'.
Pippin: I'm hungry.
Gimli: [out of breath] I'm wasted on cross-country! We Dwarves are natural sprinters, very dangerous over short distances...keep breathing. That's the key. Breathe.
Gimli: Oh come on, we can take 'em.
Aragorn: It's a long way. Gimli: Toss me. Aragorn: What?
Gimli: I cannot jump the distance, you'll have to toss me. [pauses, looks up at Aragorn]
Gimli: Don't tell the elf.
Aragorn: Not a word.
[after Legolas has shot and killed a Warg heading toward Gimli] Gimli: But that one counts as mine!
[Aragorn rides towards the Mouth of Sauron]
The Mouth of Sauron: And who is this? Isildur's heir? It takes more to make a king that a broken Elvish blade...
[Aragorn cuts off the Mouth of Sauron's head with one stroke of Anduril]
Gimli: I guess that concludes negotiations.
Pippin: I'm not likely to grow any more, except sideways.
Gimli [kills Orc: Legolas! Two already!
Legolas: I'm on seventeen!
[Legolas approaches Gimli, who is sitting on a dead orc]
Legolas: Final count...42.
Gimli: 42? That's not bad for a pointy-eared elvish princeling. [laughs shortly] I myself am sitting prettily on 43.
Legolas: [takes out an arrow and shoots it at the orc under Gimli] 43.
Gimli: He was already dead.
Legolas: He was twitching.
Gimli: He was twitching 'cause he's got MY AXE EMBEDDED IN HIS NERVOUS SYSTEM!
Josh Kovacs: The maid's gone rogue!
Josh Kovacs: The average apartment in the Tower costs 5.6 million dollars. We have the best views, the most advanced security systems, but you know what these people are really buying? Rick Malloy: White neighbors?
Slide: A robbery can change very quickly. You have to be ready to adapt to the situation at any moment. Anything can happen. I was on a job a few days ago and my homie got shot in the face! Josh Kovacs: If you get shot in the face, it's over. Slide: If you get shot in your HEAD, it's over. If you get shot in your FACE, the bullet will go through your cheek and come out the other side! Then, what you gonna do? Cole Howard: Die! We're all gonna die!
Cole Howard: If anybody needs me, I'll be living in this box...
Cole Howard: I'm thinking of becoming a male prostitute...
Josh Kovacs: I think I might have a better idea.
Rick Malloy: We're gonna go to jail! We're gonna die! Probably both!
Josh Kovacs: Yes! Yes! Yes! Join me!
Slide: Today I teach you how to pick a lock with a bobby pin! Here's your bobby pin, here's your bobby pin, and here's your punk-ass bobby pin! You unlock the door, or you gonna freeze to death! I'm gonna be inside having sex wih Rita!
Cole Howard: Who's Rita?
Odessa Montero: You mess with me, you're a dead man!
Slide: I will blow your face CLEAN OFF your face!
Odessa: You shoulda ate the cake, man!
[at a posh restaurant]
Josh: Jeez a hamburger is $24. We can't afford to eat here anyway.
Slide: We can order whatever we like cause uh, lunch is on me!
[holds up a bag with a cockroach in it]
Slide: How is this supposed to be right if you made it out of Legos?
Josh: The dimensions are completely accurate.
Slide: Man you might as well use Lincoln Logs. (holds up a black, small Lego person) And who's this niglet supposed to be, Webster?!
Slide: How come you bail me out? I don't even know your name.
Josh: You don't remember Mrs. Salzberg? We used to get dropped off at her apartment every morning for daycare. Come on, heavy-set woman, short goatee?
Slide: You're the little seizure boy that was having them seizures all the time!
Slide: But you would have seizures on a regular basis and all the kids would be crying and your eyes were rolling back, and you were foaming at the mouth- it was very scary!
Josh: Asthma doesn't cause seizures!
Slide: Why'd you bail me out?
Josh: Because I have a job for you.
Slide: Ohhhh little seizure boy wanna try to rob somebody, huh? What you trying to steal?
Josh: 20 million dollars.
Slide: You know this is a bad idea, right?
Josh: That's it! I don't want you talking to me for the rest of the robbery!
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Minstrel: [singing] Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis...
Sir Robin: That's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads... looks like there's dirty work afoot.
Minstrel: [singing] Brave Sir Robin ran away...
Sir Robin: *No!*
Minstrel: [singing] bravely ran away away...
Sir Robin: *I didn't!*
Minstrel: [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
Sir Robin: *I never did!*
Minstrel: [singing] Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, and valiantly, he chickened out.
Sir Robin: *Oh, you liars!*
Minstrel: [singing] Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by brave Sir Robin.
French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
Sir Galahad: Is there someone else up there we can talk to?
French Soldier: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
Sir Lancelot: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Sir Galahad: I don't think I was.
Sir Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Sir Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Sir Lancelot: No, it's too perilous.
Sir Galahad: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
Sir Lancelot: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
Sir Galahad: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Sir Lancelot: No. It's unhealthy.
Sir Galahad: I bet you're gay.
Sir Lancelot: Am not.
King Arthur: [after Arthur's cut off both of the Black Knight's arms] Look, you stupid Bastard. You've got no arms left.
Black Knight: Yes I have.
King Arthur: *Look*!
Black Knight: It's just a flesh wound.
French Soldier: Un cadeau.
Other French soldiers: A what?
French Soldier: A present.
Other French soldiers: Oh. Un cadeau. Oui oui.
French Soldier: Allons y!
Other French soldiers: What?
French Soldier: Let's go!
Other French soldiers: Oh.
Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Bedevere: A newt?
Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] ...I got better.
Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway!
Large Man with Dead Body: Who's that then?
The Dead Collector: I dunno, must be a king.
Large Man with Dead Body: Why?
The Dead Collector: He hasn't got shit all over him.
French Soldier: You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English K-nig-hts.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Who goes there?
King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Pull the other one!
King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? Ridden on a horse?
King Arthur: Yes!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You're using coconuts!
King Arthur: What?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Where'd you get the coconuts?
King Arthur: We found them.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
King Arthur: What do you mean?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Well, this is a temperate zone
King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
King Arthur: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
King Arthur: Please!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Am I right?
King Arthur: One, two, five!
Sir Galahad: Three sir!
King Arthur: THREE!
Prince Herbert: But mother...
King of Swamp Castle: Father, I'm father.
Prince Herbert: But father...
A Recount of the Travesty: Eragon - Your favorite dirty minded and mouthed duo recap the horrible excuse for a movie that was "Eragon." Rated for sexual innuendo, cussing, and book-maiming. Co-written with Witchy Pixie. This is now complete, and listed under Witchy Pixie's profile. Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7359482/1/
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