08/12/22: Consider this an early Christmas present (for anyone who's still reading it...)

Part 11 of Crossfire is out. Enjoy!

The List for Life is the laughable result of the state of boredom only achievable after three hours sitting in a muddy racecourse at a rock festival in Southern Ireland waiting for the next act. The rest is on my website, The Nightraider's Domain.

- Volleyballs have all the elements of a comedic tragedy if used correctly.
- Do not give LSD to guide-dogs.
- Beware of the midgies.
- It is entirely possible to dislocate your toe when in the shower.
- Do not teach someone how to program a VCR over the phone.
- Do not teach someone how to use an iMac over the phone.
- Licking an electrical cable will not turn you into a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger.
- Never let your mother put clingfilm on your head.
- No matter what the free hat looks like, never drink more than three pints of Guinness on St. Patrick's Day.
- By 10.30pm, one toilet will be used only by those who need to puke, break up, or have an emotional breakdown on their mate's shoulder.

- Searching underneath your bed will always turn up at least two items you have to hide from your mother.
- The weather will change from tropical sunshine to hurricane conditions the instant you decide to wear sandals.
- Do not sit on a Tamagotchi if you want it to live.
- Any incriminating photos of male flatmates in female underwear should be sold off to the highest bidder ASAP.
- Before said sell off, make sure those babies hit the Internet anyway.
- The last sweet in a box of Quality Street will always be a Penny Toffee.
- Videogames can be sold to friends for a tidy profit if low on cash.
- Flame-proof oven gloves are a contradiction in terms.
- Learn how to rewind the film before opening the camera.
- Scratching it only makes it worse.

- Do not hum 'I Will Survive' if trying to comfort a recently dumped mate.
- Let your mind splash around in the gutter for at least an hour a day.
- You do not really want to know what that smell is.
- Do your Christmas shopping in November. It annoys male flatmates like anything.
- Buy a stupid hat your mother banned you from buying at least once in your life.
- When all else fails, ask the Magic 8 Ball. It's never wrong.
- Smack all those who take photos of your bottom.
- A burning ham can fly further than you think.
- Never try to surf in a swimming pool.
- Bacardi and Tizer is a dangerous mix.

The ones we came up with on the site were way worse.

Name: Melora Maxwell

Real name: Hannah

Nicknames: Mel, Melly, Double M, Han, Hansey, Han-zors, Hannelore, Hannah-Banana, H., Auntie/Unsuitable Auntie/Part-Auntie Hannah, Babe-pile, Presents-Mammoth, Tea-Shrew, Squaw, Small Mammal, Scruffbag, Gromit, Pinky and Oh-My-God-What-Have-You-Done-To-Your-Hair?

Physical age: 39. Internally screaming at what's next.

Emotional Age: 5. And still more mature than some of my mates, naming no names.

Birthday: October 3rd, 1983.

Current residence: Reading, with Himself. London finally released us!

Current hair colour: Metallic Blue by Schwarzkopf, covering an interesting amount of silver.

Tumblr: http:///

DeviantArt page: http:///

Likes: Disney, (except Snow White, Cinderella, The Little Mermaid and Bambi.)
Pokemon,
Gundam Wing,
Beyblade,
Trigun,
Dragonball/Z/GT/Super,
Bucky O'Hare,
Naruto,
Cowboy Bebop,
Harry Potter, (Rowling, I will tolerate some things, but being a TERF isn't one of them.)
Transformers/Beast Wars,
Scott Pilgrim,
Wallace & Gromit,
Frasier,
Terminator 1-3, (Genisys wasn't as bad as Salvation, but oy.)
Lethal Weapon 1-4 and the TV series,
Buffy & Angel,
Firefly,
The Simpsons,
Family Guy,
South Park,
Red Dwarf,
Doctor Who, (Can you keep the next Doctor under wraps until the actual regeneration?)
Torchwood,
Life on Mars & Ashes to Ashes,
Shark,
The HitchHiker's Guide to the Galaxy,
X-Men,
Pirates of the Caribbean 1-2,
Star Trek TOS, TNG, DS9, Discovery, Lower Decks, Picard & Strange New Worlds (I am here for Pike's Bountiful Hairdo.),
Star Wars (I am ignoring Rise of Skywalker)
Blackadder,
Spaced,
Drop the Dead Donkey,
Black Books,
The I.T. Crowd (Go away Graham Linehan, no-one wants to hear your trans-exclusionary bullshit.),
The Mighty Boosh,
The Young Ones,
Auf Wiedersehen Pet,
Top Gear,
Bottom,
Watchmen,
Mock the Week,
QI,
The Thick of It & In The Loop,
Sherlock,
Merlin,
Game of Thrones,
Oz and James,
Man Lab,
The Big Bang Theory,
Castle,
All of the MCU & Marvel Disney Plus & Netflix TV series,
TMNT,
House of Cards,
Breaking Bad,
Avatar: The Last Airbender & The Legend of Korra,
Gotham,
Brooklyn Nine-Nine,
Bluestone 42,
Mad Max,
Community,
Dangermouse,
Once Upon A Time,
House of Fools,
Evil Dead 1-3 & Ash vs Evil Dead,
The Grand Tour,
Once Upon A Time,
Bojack Horseman,
Stranger Things,
Chernobyl,
Aggretsuko,
The Orville,
Derry Girls (Filmed in my old secondary school!),
Good Omens,
The Mandalorian (I stan Grogu.),
Oh Cook!,
Clarkson's Farm,
The Great,
Outlander,
The Book of Boba Fett,
What If...?,
Andor.

Most Likely To Say:

'Yes, new hair. Very observant.'

'Trying to be inconspicuous is a wee bit difficult with neon pink hair.'

'What's it like not knowing things?'

'I'm an unashamed geek. It works well for me.'

'It's Wednesday, which means it's nearly Thursday, which means it's almost Friday, which means it's practically the end of the week!'

'I just accept the insanity and run with it.'

'...I thought it seemed like a good idea at the time?'

'Oh come on, work you BITCH!!'

'Let it never be said that my anal-retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results.'

'I have standards...sort of.'

'I happen to like my inner Hades. We get on reasonably well together and gang up on other people.'

'If at first you don't succeed... cheat like hell and run for the hills.'

'I don't do the rebuilding bridges thing with exes. I burn the bridges, then run like hell.'

'When I'm the voice of sanity, you know something's wrong.'

'Sheesh. And they say romance is dead.'

'I now know how it feels when all your internal organs shrivel up and die in abject horror.'

'I am going to hit you SO HARD...'

'Welcome to my world. It's a scary scary place.'

'Oh cock.'

'I point out right now that women think with the wrong part of their anatomy as well.'

'The phrase 'tough' leaps instantly to mind.'

'Look, if you want to summon an IT bod, you need to make a pentagram out of cables, douse the floor with Red Bull, chant 'I summon thee' three times, and hope you don't get Satan by mistake. Dude doesn't like wrong numbers.'

'People really have no idea what two metres looks like, do they?'

"Just work from the basic assumption that people are complete morons and busk it from there."

"Why is 'Guess my Accent' now a thing?"

"Another weekday, another eight hours of reminding myself I'm not allow to murder my more incompetent co-workers."

Proffered proofs of my insanity or writings...

Safari: (ONE-SHOT) Transformers fic, published 15/12/18. Soundwave discovers elephants. Earth now makes a bit more sense to him...

Important Things: (ONE-SHOT) Transformers fic, published 15/03/18. All the things Cyclonus couldn't say to Tailgate in life, he now has a chance to say to him in...well...

Between the Crosses, Row on Row: (ONE-SHOT) Transformers fic, published 27/11/16. Even sort-of reformed Decepticon warlords need a hug. Or a massive slap in the face by reality. On the Necrobot's planet, the latter is far more likely...

Manifest Destiny: COMPLETE. Mad Max: Fury Road fic, completed 04/06/17. Undeserved devotion to a sick old man got Nux stranded on a War Rig heading east. Compassion from someone who should hate him will take him somewhere he had never planned...

Hora Spissisima: Transformers fic, updated 29/11/20. How do you fail to notice a planet-devouring moon the size of Saturn sneaking up on you? By paying more attention to the demise of the Decepticon Emperor and the death of the Prime? Yep, that would do it...

Nightshift: (ONE-SHOT) Transformers fic, published 22/05/12. A bored Optimus is a thoughtful Optimus. A thoughtful Optimus is a curious Optimus. A curious Optimus means a peeved Ratchet...

Crossfire: Transformers fic, updated 08/12/22. Some mechs are, like Soundwave, almost created to be creators. And there are others, like Shockwave, who should never be allowed to procreate. And he was not allowed to procreate for one very specific reason...

Presents: COMPLETE. Transformers fic, completed 25/12/12. Rumble and Frenzy should've been sparked with gags on their vocalisers. Unfortunately for Soundwave, they weren't. To make matters worse, they've now told Ratbat about a certain winter holiday...

Creations: COMPLETE. Transformers fic, completed 22/09/07. Stretch the idea of fatherhood and squint slightly; you have Soundwave. But you don't need to try imagining the Cassettes as children. They're still acting like them after several million years...

Snowmechs: (ONE-SHOT) Transformers fic, published 21/08/07. Snow does have fringe benefits, even for Soundwave and the Cassettes. Mainly embarrassing ones...

Sniffles: (ONE-SHOT) Transformers fic, published 19/07/07. Baby-sitting a sick Ratbat. The world and the Cassettes both fear...

Bathtime: (ONE-SHOT) Transformers fic, published 08/07/07. Turbo-fleas or a bath? Neither option appeals to Ravage, and he's not about to get a choice in the matter...

Gambit: COMPLETE. Doctor Who fic, completed 08/06/08. In the sewers of 1930's Manhattan, the Cult of Skaro prepares for its greatest and deadliest experiment, and Dalek Sec prepares to make the ultimate sacrifice...

Catharsis: (ONE-SHOT) Doctor Who fic, published 19/04/07. Rose never asked about his planet. Martha did. But the Doctor still won't tell her the name of his homeworld for a good reason...

Reflection: (ONE-SHOT) Doctor Who fic, published 10/01/07. As he stands by Pete Tyler's old Jeep and watches Rose's final conversation with the Doctor, Mickey Smith silently wonders who has lost the most...

Rift: COMPLETE. Doctor Who fic, completed 17/04/07. The Daleks who dared to be individuals, and dared to have names. Supreme Dalek Sec, head of the Cult of Skaro, sees all, and misses nothing. Almost nothing...

Deja Vu: (ONE-SHOT) Doctor Who fic, published 17/07/06. Banished for being right and doing what was right. It's not the first time this has happened, but even after 500 years, banishment is still a bitter pill to swallow for the Doctor...

Prometheus: COMPLETE. Doctor Who fic, completed 22/06/08. In the far outer reaches of the Solar system, among His Dalek Brethren, God watches and waits as He plots His Revenge...

One Step Behind: (ONE-SHOT) Doctor Who fic, published 20/03/06. The Seventh Doctor once said the trouble of regeneration was that you could never know what you would get. But nothing's ever that simple, and the Tenth Doctor realises that now...

Puppet: (ONE-SHOT) Doctor Who fic, published 13/03/06. In the depths of space, in a dank and decrepit prison colony, aided by a former enemy, the Emperor Davros watches the universe and waits for his quarry to return...

Last Man Standing: (ONE-SHOT) Doctor Who fic, published 18/01/06. As the Daleks advance through Satellite 5, the Doctor recalls all of those who have gone before him, and the circumstances of his eighth regeneration...

Alone: COMPLETE. Doctor Who fic, completed 04/11/05. Enter the mind of the Last Dalek...

I Won't Say It: Disney's Hercules fic, updated 10/12/17. Because this is the only fic without the promise of emotional trauma...until now.

The Vision: (ONE-SHOT) Harry Potter fic, published 25/07/04. The Dog Star has disappeared, and a vision of the final battle between the One and the Dark Lord prompts Anubis, God of the Dead, to make a dangerous decision...

Forgotten: Pokemon fic, updated 08/07/07. Angst and nastiness abound.

The Fight of a Bumblebee: (ONE-SHOT) Harry Potter fic, published 15/04/04. Harry wasn't the first person to be called the One. In 1944, the Dark Lord of the forests and the one of the strong flying light were prophesied to duel...

I Am The Borg: (ONE-SHOT) Star Trek: TNG/First Contact fic, published 01/10/03. While the Cube approaches Earth, the Borg Queen discovers when humanity is most vulnerable to attack through the memories of Locutus...

I'll Be Watching You: (ONE SHOT) Gundam Wing fic, published 28/04/03. Songfic post-Endless Waltz, the relationship between two of the pilots is going down faster than a burning Spitfire. Slash goodness abounds, so if you don't like, don't read.

The Black Pumas: Beyblade fic, published 18/02/03. Chapter 2 is finally being written after having finally managed to get up in time to see G-Rev. (Tala Valkov = sexy redheaded beast!)

Sins of the Fathers: The Samui Saga: Dragonball Z fic, updated 11/01/03. ON HOLD - My inspiration returned a couple of weeks ago. Chapter Three is in its final stage of editing!

Sins of the Fathers: The Ionia-jin Saga: COMPLETE. Dragonball Z fic, completed 28/11/02. One thing... KITARA IS NOT A MARY-SUE! I despise Mary-Sue fics! Anyway, if she was a Mary-Sue, she'd be a Super Saiyan at the age of 5, and she'd be with Vegeta.

Tundra: (ONE SHOT) Dragonball Z fic, published 24/04/02. Lil' angsty look about what made Frieza the charming little being we all know and love.

No flames please. I live with one.

22/11/06: In reference to some of the reviews for IWSI, and because some people haven't gotten the hint... IWSI is a DISNEY fic, therefore the Greek mythology on which it's based on has been greatly twiddled with, mostly because of my planned plotlines, but occasionally because of reasons of taste. I know about the inaccuracies, and I have done my research. I know that Hades was the eldest of Cronus's sons in mythology and Zeus was the youngest - this is the DISNEY version where it's the other way round. So this is my plea to everyone; PLEASE STOP REVIEWING SIMPLY TO TELL ME I'M WRONG ABOUT THIS. It's annoying and condescending - anyone who does not respect my wishes will find their reviews summarily ignored, or in persistent cases, deleted. OK? Good.