If you can’t beat them, join them. If you can’t join them, bribe them. If you can’t bribe them, blackmail them.
I reject your reality and substitute my own.
I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it.
Have you ever heard that stupidity is a virus? Careful you might catch it! Ahh, too late . . .
Women and Cats will do as they please, men and Dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Silence is Golden but Duct Tape is Silver
Its tourist season, so why can't I shoot them?
Comfort the disturbed. Disturb the comfortable.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.
Just because you’re paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off.
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
I can resist anything but temptation
If at first you succeed try not to look astonished
I know where to go, just not how to get there
You're just jealous because the voices in my head talk to me and not you.
Don't play dumb! You're not as good at it as I am!
Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them.
They say - guns don’t kill people, people kill people - Well, I think the gun helps, cause if you just stood there and yelled BANG I don’t think you'd kill too many people.
If guns kill people, can I blame misspelled words on my pencil?
The Dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide
The early Bird may get the Worm, but the second Mouse gets the Cheese!
Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Music is like candy - you throw away the rappers.
The Newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your Dog die and your Mum saying you can still keep it
Being mature is overrated.
Growing old is mandatory . . . Growing up is optional . . .
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three
I ran with scissors, and lived!
I'm the kind of girl who will burst out laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Order is for the stupid true geniuses live in chaos.
This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force!
Suicide is a way of telling God, "YOU CAN'T FIRE ME, I QUIT!"
If at first you don't succeed, then destroy all evidence that you tried.
That which doesn't kill you . . . Will probably try again.
Don't play dumb with me, I'll always win.
Join the Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
When you’re right, no one remembers, when you’re wrong, no one forgets.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
A good friend will come and bail you out of Jail . . . But a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, “Damn . . . That was fun”
Right now I've got amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
When choosing between two evils I always like to go for the one I've never tried before.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Your kid may be an Honour Student but you're still an idiot.
Few women admit their age, few men act it.
Jesus loves you! But everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
In just two days tomorrow will be yesterday.
Ignoring bullshit is wrong, bullshit makes the flowers grow, and that's beautiful.
If you can't baffle them with brilliance, befuddle them with bullshit.
If you choke a Smurf what colour does it turn'?
If you're going to do something wrong, have fun doing it.
Cry me a river, build a bridge, and jump off it.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
Life isn’t measured by the number of breaths we take but by the number of moments that take our breath away
The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all
Hope is never lost, only found
It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but even more to stand up to your friends.
It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be.
Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.
It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.
Maybe this world is another Planet’s Hell.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a Mosquito.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Most people learn by observation, and there are the few who learn by experimentation. And then there are those who actually TOUCH the fire to see if it's really hot.
I used to have super powers . . . But my Therapist took them away.
I'm not insensitive. I just don't care.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Damn it!! Shut up and tell me already!!
Did you know that the people that seem the strongest are usually the most sensitive?
Everything here is eatable. Even I'm eatable, but that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is frowned upon in most societies.
Right, you've got a crooked sort of cross . . . That means you're going to have 'trials and suffering'--sorry about that--but there's a thing that could be a sun . . . Hang on . . . That means 'great happiness' . . . So you're going to suffer but be very happy . . .
Can someone be insane without lacking sanity? I think Evan could do that. He has a firm grasp of reality. He just . . . disagrees with it.
There was more yelling and a flash of light and suddenly his mother collapsed, eyes staring unseeingly at the ceiling as if it was the most fascinating thing she'd ever witnessed. Harry, confused, glanced at the ceiling as well. He didn't get it. It was a ceiling. White, plain, and not really worth looking at. Sometimes his mother was just weird.
"Puh-lease?" I asked, pouting, "I'll be your best friend!"
"Alright, alright . . . what do you need me for?"