Author has written 5 stories for Harry Potter.
Hey, all! Just thought I should post a profile, while I have the time. A few things about me: I’m random. Or, as my bestie likes to put it, randumb and blonde. Sadly, it’s true. I like to read, obviously, and I love writing. It might take me a while to post something, which I’m sorry for, but I have about a million stories running through my head, some intertwining. Some are just plain weird (like the one where everyone @ Hogwarts, including the teachers, decide Snape should lighten up and then they pull millions of juvenile pranks on him), but hey! I just might post one.
Another thing: I will often forget to say this in my fics so I’m gonna say it now. I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING EXCEPT MAYBE MY OWN CHARACTERS THAT WILL RUN AROUND IN MY BRAIN FOR ALL ETERNITY!! Okay, better now. :-)
I will write anything from Harry Potter to Percy Jackson to W.I.T.C.H. If you don’t know what anyone those are, then what planet did you come from and can we arrange a meeting? I wanna tell my friends I’ve met an actual alien.
I will honestly try to post at least once a month, if not every two weeks. If you review, I’ll update more quickly (hint hint).
Also, thank you to any and all reviewers. I really do like to hear other people’s opinions on what I write, and ideas for pranks, fluffy scenes, etc. are totally welcome. I’ll definitely give you credit.
Another thing...I will probably mention people from school( Cody, Sarah, etc.), but don't pay attention to it. I just say it to annoy them, give them credit, or to use them for my evil schemes. Unfortunately, my last batch of Polyjuice ran out, so I can't use it to make them look like fools. Oh, well... They'll never find out about the Decongestion Draft in their drinks! Muahahahaha!
...Oops, was that my outside...inside...computer...okay, what do you call it when you're typing and you said something you shouldn't have said? Crap, oops, what!
I have a few favorite quotes, which are listed below. Some of them are kind of depressing, some are funny and some I have gotten from other people’s stories. I will try and give you credit if it’s yours, but I don’t have the best memory, so yeah… Tell me if it’s your quote and I’ll give you credit.
I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels, but I call them my friends
No one can drive you insane unless you give them the key.
There are so many people in the world that will tell you that you can’t. What you’ve got to do is turn around and say, “I can. Watch me.”
I called Joey gay and then he hit me with his purse. (By the way, this did actually happen...Long story.)
I don’t have ADD! I’m totally focus- SQUIRREL! (One of my friends, Megan, says this on a regular basis)
When you cry, I cry. When you laugh, I laugh. When you jump off a bridge, I laugh harder and scream "Can I have your iPod?"
Clothes may not make a man, but they can break a boyfriend.
It’s sad how life can so easily be destroyed. Just one wrong move, and you’re dead.
Caution: Blonde Thinking!
? (Literally, this is something I say on a regular basis. It confuses the hell out of people, but it is freakin’ hilarious!)
You’re such a homo-hobo-bum! - Courtesy of my good friend, Amber. Luv ya, honey!
SEVVY!! - For Sarah, since this is her usual greeting for me.
Whoever said nothing is impossible, has never tried to close a revolving door. And they can forget slamming it, too!
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day, and tomorrow does not look good either.
May God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and a big bag of money.
Cute but evil. Things even out.
If you hit me at 30mph, there's an 80 chance I'll live. Hit me at 40mph, and there's an 80 chance I'll die...Please stop trying to hit me.
Roses are red,
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people are just out of film. (I'm adding this part on 'cuz it's true for me) An some people need to have their batteries replaced!
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
God grant us the senility to forget the people you never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones you do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you.
School prepares you for the real world, which sucks.
It's okay if you want to drop dead.
You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.
God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made women.
So many boys, so many reasons to stay alone.
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...I was aiming for your face.
When you’re down I may not be able to pick you back up, but I promise I’ll be willing to lay down right next to you.
I hear your silence loud and clear.
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them.
The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor doesn’t exist.
If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are the same number of letters?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might actually clean them?
There are no stupid questions – just a bunch of inquisitive idiots.
Politics is war without bloodshed. War is politics with bloodshed.
High School Musical 3 and Saw V were the two top movies at the box office when they opened. One depicted gruesome on screen torture. The other was about a guy with a saw.
The greener grass on the other side is probably just artificial turf.
I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
I do not deny everything.
Sometimes the mind, for reasons we do not necessarily understand, just decides to go the store.
Love me or hate me, personally, I couldn't care less.
Isn't it ironic . . . we ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, hurt those who love us, and love those who hurt us.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
The road to success is always under construction.
Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
Children in front seats can lead to accidents. Accidents in backseats can lead to children.
Why do today what you could put off till tomorrow?
Education is important; school however, is another matter.
Don’t mess with me, I've got a stick.
Boys are like Slinky's, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
Boys are like skateboards, they can go fast but usually they're pretty slow.
Boys are like knives, useful but they'll cut you eventually
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls
Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Help, I've fallen and I can't...Hey nice carpet! (In my case, nice tile!)
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, and then used against you.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance?
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Life is full of disappointments, and I'm full of life!
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Cheese…Milk's leap toward immortality.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
The cops never find it as funny as you do.
The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.
Someday my prince will come. He just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” Don’t answer him
Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don’t compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest.
When a friend is in trouble, don’t annoy them by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away… if well aimed.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
Guys should be like lattes - rich, strong, and hot.
The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
The best things in the world are free -- and worth every penny of it.
Psychology. Mind over matter. Mind under matter? It doesn't matter. Never mind.
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
Boys are like trees - they take 50 years to grow up.
Everything here is eatable. Even I'm eatable, but that is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies.
Let's flip a coin. Heads, we’ll be together, tails, we'll flip again.
Life isn't passing me by; it's trying to run me over.
Was that an earthquake, or did I just rock your world?
My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
Why are the Force and Duck Tape the same? Both have a light and a dark side and hold the universe together.
You have to have darkness for a dawn to come.
Last night I looked up at the stars and matched each star to a reason I love you. I was doing fine until I ran out of stars.
To the world, you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world.
Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question.
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed and permanently set.
Tell the truth and run.
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they go by.
Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic ... maybe we should have amateurs build everything.
If the sky is the limit, then what is space? Over the limit?
Why is it when an adult with the mind of a child is locked up and put in an asylum, while children are allowed to run in the streets?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in 'mother in law', they come out to 'Woman Hitler'?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are crazy??
When life hands you lemons, throw those lemons right back at it and tell life to make its own dang lemonade.
Imitation is the most annoying form of flattery.
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them more than that.
If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something.
Join The Army: Visit exotic places, meet strange people, and then kill them.
Of course I'm talking to myself. Who else can I trust?
Let me know if anything I say offends you - I might want to offend you later.
One way to figure out how things work: push all the buttons!
I smile because I have no idea what's going on.
Life was so simple when boys had cooties.
I used to be normal…until I met the freaks that I call my friends.
I ran with scissors and lived!
I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.
I don't obsess! I think intensely.
The greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences, and mistakes, and yet still sees the best in you.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.
Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not.
All the good ones are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.
My favorite word is sarcasm.
It's a matter of life after death-now that he's dead, I have a life.
Everyone has a wild side-my friends and I just prefer to make it public.
I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh, the fun I will have.
There are 3 reasons to go through the day: Coffee in the morning, friends in the afternoon, and a good book for the rest of the day.
Oops, I appear to have fallen on your lips.
Note to Self: Normal is just a setting on washing machines.
Somebody needs a Happy Meal.
Music is like candy-you throw away the rappers.
I would be more scared if you were aiming for the person next to me
Do not use an axe to kill a fly on your friends' head.
My heart is not a playground
I find "good morning" a contradiction of terms
I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Dear Heart, I met a boy today, prepare to shatter.
If annoyed further, I shall spork your eyes out.
If you don't like me, there is nothing I can do. Here's a newsflash Honey, I don't live to please you.
Love can come in many different colors.
What is easy is not always right, and what is right is not always easy.
I would say "screw you" but I think too many people already have.
I am really trying to imagine you with a personality. Oops, I can't.
Not the brightest crayon in the box, now, are we?
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
You're a couple of fries short of a Happy Meal.
You just won't leave me alone, will you? You know, people like you are the reason why people like me need medication.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Oh, I'm so sorry! I forgot that you're an idiot!
Roses are red,
List 5 reasons why I shouldn't talk to you. And then read them over and over.
If stupidity was a crime, you'd get the electric chair.
10 Commandments of a Teenager
1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
We could all take a lesson from crayons: some are sharp, some are beautiful, some have weird names, all are different colors, but they still learn to live in the same box."
Heaven doesn't want me, and Hell is afraid I'll take over.
"Let's eat grandpa!!"
Where am I to go, now that I've gone too far?
My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marshmallows and flirting with the firemen. Oh, you think I'm kidding.
Good friends will pick you up when your down, BEST FRIENDS will push you back down and laugh.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all its pupils.
It takes forty-six muscles to frown, but only four to flip 'em the bird.
Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? I just want to know who the hell is drinking my damn soda.
I am the future of Britain. Be very, very afraid.
Even if the voices aren't real, they got some great ideas.
Sometimes I get the urge to run around naked . . . but then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.
What not to say to the police: "You're not going to check the trunk, are you?"
Oh my God, look at you! Was anyone else hurt in the accident?
Some call it stalking; I call it love.
I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Nobody is worth crying over. And the ones who are won’t make you cry.
So put that straw in your juice box and suck it!
When the world says “Give up”, hope whispers “Just once more.”
A true friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
You are my BEST FRIEND FOREVE - but no ‘R’ because that would be the end of ‘forever’.
Do it today. Tomorrow, it might be illegal.
Strangers have the best candy.
Drink coffee: Act stupider faster.
You’re just jealous that the voices only talk to me.
I hate it when the voices argue with my imaginary friends.
Forget princess; I want to be a vampire.
Don’t tell people your problems. 20 don’t care, and the other 80 are glad you have them.
List of things to do:
Get up.Survive.Go back to bed.
It takes skill to trip over a flat surface.
Put 100 into your work:
W 23 Monday
W 12 Tuesday
W 40 Wednesday
W 20 Thursday
W 5 Friday
There are 3 types of people in this world: The ones that make things happen, the ones that watch things happen and the ones that wonder what happened.
I’m not random, you just can’t think as fast as me.
Don’t go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.
I’m not shy; I’m just quietly plotting your demise.
People can only drive you crazy if you give them the keys.
Most people don’t put up walls to keep people out. They put them up to see who cares enough to knock them down.
There is only one way to fail and that is to believe you won’t succeed.
It takes courage to stand up and speak. It also takes courage to sit down and listen.
It takes courage to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.
I hear you. I’m just not listening.
I’m up and I’m dressed. What more do you want?
Don’t let your brain wander. It’s too little to be out on its own.
Hello. My name is: I know this one! It’s…ummm…
People often moan about our generation. But have they ever thought about who raised us?
Shut up, voices, or I’ll poke you with a Q-tip again!
Don’t tell me the sky’s the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
The one thing that gives you the most pleasure in life is doing the things people say you can’t do.
Rules are made to be broken.
If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.
The more you learn, the more you know. The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the more you learn…What’s the point?
It is easier to secure forgiveness than permission.
I only listen to people I respect. I don’t respect you. Do you need a road map?
A blonde went up to her friend one day with her phone in her hand. “Hey, what’s ‘idk’ mean?’ She asked. “I don’t know.” Her friend replied. The blonde then looked at her and said, “OMG! No one knows!”
I used to fight my demons…Now we’re on the same side.
Come to the Dark Side…We have cookies.
A blonde was standing on the railroad tracks saying “52, 52, 52…” A brunette came up and asked. “Whatcha doin’?” “52, 52, 52…” “Can I join you?” “52, 52, 52…” “Okay!” The two girls stood on the railroad tracks saying ‘52’ when a train came along. The blonde stepped off the tracks. The brunette didn’t. When the train was gone, the blonde stepped back on the tracks and said, “53, 53, 53…”
Excerpts from Harry Potter:
"Your aunt and uncle will be proud, though, won't they?" said Hermione as they got off the train and joined the crowd thronging toward the enchanted barrier. "When they hear what you did this year?"
- Chamber of Secrets:
Fred and George, however, found all this very funny. They went out of their way to march ahead of Harry down the corridors, shouting, "Make way for the Heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through..."
Hermione, however, clapped a hand to her forehead. "Harry -- I think I've just understood something! I've got to go to the library!" And she sprinted away, up the stairs.
- Prisoner of Azkaban:
As though an invisible hand were writing upon it, words appeared on the smooth surface of the map. "Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business."
"Well...when we were in our first year, Harry-young, carefree, and innocent-"
Trelawney: "Would anyone like me to help interpret the shadowy realms within their orb?"
Harry: It’s a letter from my godfather.
Vernon: Godfather? You haven’t got a godfather?
Harry: Yes, I have. He was my mum and dad’s best friend. He’s a convicted murderer but he’s broken out of wizard prison and he’s on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though…keep up with my news…check if I’m happy…”
- Goblet of Fire:
"OH NO YOU DON'T, LADDIE!"
"Enjoying it?" said Ron darkly. "I don't reckon he'd come home if Dad didn't make him. He's obsessed. Just don't get him onto the subject of his boss. 'According to Mr. Crouch...as I was saying to Mr. Crouch...Mr. Crouch is of the opinion...Mr. Crouch was telling me...' They'll be announcing their engagement any day now."
- Order of the Phoenix
"Didn't you listen to Dolores Umbridge's speech at the start-of-term feast, Potter?"
Dudley: "Mark Evans cheeked me."
Mrs. Weasley let out a shriek just like Hermione's.
"Listening to the news," said Harry in a resigned voice.
"Excellent." said Lupin, looking up as Tonks and Harry entered. "We've got about a minute, I think. We should get out into the garden so we're ready. Harry, I've left a letter telling your aunt and uncle not to worry -"
- Half-Blood Prince:
"Do you remember me telling you we are practicing nonverbal spells, Potter?"
- Deathly Hallows:
“I was awake half the night thinking it all over, and I believe it’s a plot to get the house.”
"Ron, you know full well Harry and I were brought up by Muggles!” said Hermione. “We didn’t hear stories like that when we were little, we heard ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’ and ‘Cinderella’—“
RULES FOR LIFE AT HOGWARTS
1) Seamus Finnigan is not after my lucky charms.
3) "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
4) I will not sing "We're Off to See the Wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.
5) I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
6) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
7) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.
8) Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
9) First years are not allowed to be fed to Fluffy.
10) I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "Time of the Month."
11) I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him they're real animals.
12) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.
13) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
14) When Death-Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout, "To the Bat Mobile, Robin!"
15) When a class-mate falls asleep, I shall not take advantage of the fact and draw a Dark Mark on his arm.
16) It's not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes house points from Gryffindor.
17) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is simply coincidental.
18) I will not call the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny. Even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
19) I will not refer to the Weasley Twins as "bookends."
20) I will not dress up in a Dementor's suit and use a dustbuster on Harry's lips to make him do what I want.
21) I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.
22) I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells shouting, "I got the power!"
23) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights who say Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell "Ni!" from various directions. (Highly inappropriate, albeit very funny.)
24) I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance when I enter a classroom.
25) It’s not necessary for me to yell "Bam!" every time I Apparate.
26) I will not steal Gryffindor’s sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallway.
27) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music when wandering the halls.
28) "To conquer the earth with flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.
29) I am not allowed to begin Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."
30) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.
31) The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife.
32) "Draco Malfoy, Take it up the arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.
33) I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.
34) I am not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot, gay sex will occur.
35) It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall that she takes herself too seriously.
36) "Ya'll check this shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that I am about to conduct an experimental spell.
37) I will not say the phrase, "Dude, get a life," to Voldemort.
38) I will not offer to pose nude for Collin Creevy. (He will take you up on it.)
39) I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.
40) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.
The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No," and shoot him. On second thought, I'll shoot him, then say, "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess/handsome prince, we will be married immediately in a quiet, civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large, red button labeled, "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisers will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of a cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 1:17 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence, "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisers, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her family in the blink of an eye.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mindset.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line, "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, naked mole rat, or whatever sickeningly-cute, little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the alluring rebel and they claim they are attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray their companions if I just let them in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say, "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an adviser says to me, "My liege, he is but one person. What can one person possibly do?" I will reply, "This," and kill the adviser.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says, "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!” I will say, "Oh well," and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However, before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child adviser will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisers ask, "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?" I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment Room.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisers assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old adviser can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror, "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be, "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the twelve Stones of Power on the sacred altar, then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of, "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's super-weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly. Do you say prayers before eating?"
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
Nicknames for the Nicknamed - Sarah, this is for you. I had help from my crazy and super-scary friend Sarah. She got totally pissed at me when I forgot to mention that she helped me. PLEASE DON'T KILL MEEEEEEEEE!!
Inheritance - The new chapter is written, but I'm having trouble with my word processor. I can't get into the file to update it or do a last read through or anything. I probably need to update it, but it might take me a bit. I'll try to have it up by Sunday at the latest.
Riddle Me This - Ummm...This one is taking longer than I thought it would. Sorry. *winces and ducks miscellaneous flying things at her...shoe...tomato...rubber duck...photo album...car...-wait, what?!* Also, my word processor is weird. Read above if you want to hear my troubles with it.
Somebody to Lean On - A chapter is in the making, don't worry! I've just been focusing on Inheirtance 'cuz it's been awhile since I updated it. Thanks for being so patient, guys!
Someone's Watching Over Me - I'm thinking of discontinuing this one. It was a good idea when I started it, I'm sure, but now I have no clue what it was about...Sorry for those who were hoping I would continue. Maybe it'll come back to me and I'll update it, but not in the near future. So, as of 8/20/10, Somone's Watching Over Me is DISCONTINUED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!!!!!!!
All righty, then! That’s all! And before you ask, I’m country. My country westernish thingymajig…ACCENT! I so knew that. Anyways, it might pop up in my stories. Pie!
Unsafe External Link