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Author has written 2 stories for Twilight.
And when the rest of the world walks out i'll still be here.
DADDY”S RULES FOR DATING
Your dad’s rules for your boyfriend (or for if you’re a guy)
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you don’t peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about the issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with you underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the courses of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier Method’ of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and only word I need you to say on this subject is ‘early'.
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The Following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough too induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, mid-driff t shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose-parka, zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided: movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folk’s homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shot gun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of our car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a nice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as a wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face in the window is mine.
Find the guy that calls you beautiful instead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who'll lay under the stars for hours and listen to your heart beat.
Or will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy that kisses your forhead,
who keeps your picture in his wallet,
who wants to show you off to the world even when your in sweatpants,
who holds your hand in front of all his freinds,
who thinks your beautiful without makeup,
one who is constantly telling you of how much he cares and how is lucky to have you,
THE one who turns to his friends and says THAT’S HER!
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
1. There are at least two people in this world
That you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world
Love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you
Is because they want to be just like you.
4. a smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,
Even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you
Before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever,
Something good comes from it.
10 When you think the world has turned its back on you
Take another look.
11 Always remember the compliments you received.
Forget about the rude remarks.
May need a tissue
girl and guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle
Girl:Slow down, I'm scared!
Guy:No, this is fun.
Girl:No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.
Guy:Then tell me you love me.
Girl:I love you, now slow down!
Guy: Now give me a big hug.
She gives him a big hug
Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me.
In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure.
Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road,
the guy realized his break wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know.
Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him.
Then he had her put on his helmet so that she would live even if he died.
A Copy this into your profile if you would do this for someone you love.
Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?
Girl: Do you like me?
Girl: Do you want me?
Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Girl: Would you live for me?
Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Girl: Choose--me or your life
Boy: My life
The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...
The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.
The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.
The reason I don't want you is because I need you.
The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.
The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.
The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you.
The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life
CUTE AND FUNNY QUOTES
All the good ones are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.
When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back
Having the love of your life say, "we can still be friends", is like having your
dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.
My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them. (hell yea!)
Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES
I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard
ran with scissors, and lived!
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder
"It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 muscles to smile, but only 4 muscles to reach out and slap someone."
"It doesnt matter whether the glass is half empty or half full,just drink it and get it over with."
"I'm not afraid of Death.What's he gonna do,kill me?"
You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
He who laughs last didn't get it
Dear Heart, I met a boy today, prepare to shatter
"I'm not afraid of death i'm afraid of something much worse... my mother"
she said that she wanted to get high- he took her to the tallest hill in town.
im sorry if i...
CRY too much
When she walks away from you mad
I know there are plenty of fish in the sea,but he's my Nemo
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don 't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you