Author has written 1 story for Hetalia - Axis Powers.
"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." Oscar Wilde
I know no one actually reads this stuff, but...
Name: Call me Twirly.
Favourite Talent: I can recognise all 6 members of Monty Python from quite a long way away.
Languages I currently speak: English, Irish, Spanish. At least, I say I speak Spanish. What I really do is butcher it beyond recognition.
Languages I want to speak: German, Swedish, Dutch. Also Russian.
Interesting fact of no particular relevance: I am a strict vegetarian of my own choice, and a complete animal rights freak.
Political Views: Ridiculously liberal. Though I don't support any political party, since I don't believe a single word that comes out of the mouth of a politician. I suppose I'm really a communist at heart, though I don't think it could ever work given the selfish and greedy nature of humankind.
Favourite word: Discombobulate. Yup.
And now for something completely different... PAIRINGS I SHIP. (Be warned; there be many.)
Phantom of the Opera- Christine/Erik, I suppose. I hate Christine with a fiery, fiery passion, but I love Erik with an even fierier (is that even a word?) passion, but y'know, if she makes Erik happy, she makes me happy. I'll never like her though. Interestingly enough, I really only read humorous phanphics. Don't know why.
Inception- Arthur/Eames. 'Nuff said.
Blackadder- Blackadder/Darling. Need I mention the 'Bottom-Fondling Incident'? Ah, that episode was made of win. :D Also, George/Melchett. BAAAAAAAA! In Blackaddder II, Percy/Blackadder, and in Blackadder III Prince George/Baldrick. I have no idea why.
Torchwood: Janto until the end.
Les Miserables- ...Javert/Valjean. [hides] I'm sorry, I know I'm a bad person, but really. Javert seems to be in love with Valjean in a seriously twisted, sadomasochistic way. Obviously there would be no fluff or 'twuw wuv,' but you must admit that Javert has a serious obsession with Valjean. No? Fine. But let me at least ship Enjolras/Grantaire without making me feel guilty.
Doctor Who-10/Rose. 10/Martha fics aggravate me to the point of crying. 9/Rose is good as well! :) And Master/10. They're sweet together.
The Mortal Instruments- Don't really care about anyone but Alec/Magnus.
Skulduggery Pleasant- Skulduggery/Valkyrie. I read Tanith & Ghastly sometimes, but I won't be struck down by horror if they don't get together. Fletcher & Valkyrie makes me sad. :( Damn you, canon. Damn you. (shakes fist) And nooooow... Scapegrace/Thrasher! YAYZ FO ZOMBIE SLASH!1!! As Derek Landy himself said when questioned on the matter, 'Wherever Scapegrace goes, Thrasher will follow.' It was Loomy that got me into this shipping, darn you Loomy for adding to my overwhelming slash shipping list! D: Me/Sanguine (yes, that is now an official ship) and Robin/Fletcher. (Loomy's OMC.)
Sweeny Todd- Sweeny/Mrs Lovett... You can never get enough Sweenett! And, uh, I was just reading through all of my other ships and I realised that this is basically the only het one. Whoops. XD
Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy- Ford/Arthur.
Lord of the Rings- Farimir/Eowyn...Meh. Don't really have ships. Only a kind of anti-ship towards Frodo/Sam slash.
Sherlock Holmes- Holmes/Watson. Obviously in the 2009 film. The only way they could make them more gay in that film if if Holmes jumped on Watson and started making out wih him. Ah, that would be the day... The books, not so much. They remind me a bit too much of Frodo and Sam for my liking. However, nothing, and I repeat, NOTHING is worse than Holmes/OC. Absolutely NOTHING. In my humble opinion, one of the most lovable things about Sherlock is that he just doesn't fall in love with a random girl who comes to him with a case. That's the original type of personality he has that just sets him apart from all other fictional characters. /rant.
Sherlock- Sherlock/John is just too wonderful in this.
The Picture of Dorian Gray- Henry/Dorian. I know I should like Basil/Dorian like the rest of humanity, but Henry is just too amazing! :D
The Importance of Being Earnest- Jack/Algernon. I'm sorry, I just can't resist it! Besides, it's Oscar Wilde so I am allowed to read into their banter what I will. I've actually heard theories that this entire play is just a big metaphorical inside joke for gay sex. Knowing Oscar I genuinely would not be surprised.
Avenue Q: Rod/Nicky. Who can resist gay puppets? If you can, then quite honestly, it sucks to be you. Haha, did you see what I did there? Did you see it? 8D [fails at life]
Sesame Street: Ernie/Bert. It must be said.
V for Vendetta: Dominic/Finch. Dominic just wins the universe in whatever colour he chooses. I wish he were in it more.
Yes Prime Minister- Bernard/Humphrey. Yes. Yes. Just yes on so many levels. I have become so obsessed with YPM recently, and it may have wormed its way into my favourite comedy ever. Maybe. It's constantly beating up Blackadder, Fawlty Towers and Flying Circus to try to get into first place.
Beautiful Thing- JAMIE/STE. [weeps with joy]
Romeo and Juliet: Mercutio/Tybalt. We all know Mercutio is gay, we all know Benvolio is a wimp, and we all know that Tybalt is awesome. Ergo, TybaltMercutio=YES. Wait, this play is about a couple of straight people? What?
Billy Elliot: Now. Right. Well. Now. Right. Now. Right. I'm in mixed minds about this. Although Michael/Billy is possibly the sweetest semi-canon pairing I have ever seen, I don't know if I want Billy to be gay. But then, he DID kiss Michael goodbye, and at the end when Michael is at his show it's left open to interpretation as to whether they're together or not. Not to mention how Billy completely wasn't interested in Debbie. And the snow scene, and in the boxing ring when he's teaching Michael how to dance! [fangirl moment] BUT the whole point of the film may be that he can do all this stuff with someone who's gay, and not be gay himself. Goodness, I just don't know. You really have no idea how long I spend debating with myself about this. ANYWAY, the point is that every kid should be like Michael.
Chicago: Velma/Roxie. Yes. Really, sexual tension much?
Hetalia: WELL. I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START. USUK, Italy/Germany, Spain/Romano, Japan/Greece, Switzerland/Austria, Sweden/Finland, Poland/Lithuania, France/everyone, Prussia/Canada... I really have a ridiculous amount of ships for this fandom... I also may or may not have started adoring pirate!England/conquistador!Spain... BUT ONLY AS PIRATES. I don't really see any actual love between them, not like Spain and Romano, but my goodness they are amazing together in a really twisted yet wonderful way, and huzzah for run-on sentences! :D Also, I love Belgium/Seychelles, France/Seychelles, Belgium/Hungary, Belarus/Ukraine, and basically all the girls. And in ways of het, I love France/Seychelles and harbour a secret love for Hungary/Romania.
Merlin: Yes, I am one of those creepy pervs who watches this solely for the Merlin/Arthur slash. However, I should say that my love for this pairing is 100% the fault of Loomy. Seriously.
Wicked: Elphaba/Glinda. Don't judge me, they're adorable together.
Death Note: L/Light. Yes. My God, I ship them so hard it's actually not even funny.
Batman: Bruce/Dick. Don't judge me. Also, to a much lesser extent, Bruce/Selina, and Bruce/Harvey, though only Bruce/Harvey in the Nolan trilogy where there is no Dick. *giggles immaturely* I also love Harley/Ivy, Harley/Joker, Joker/Harvey, one-sided Joker/Batman, teeny tiny bits of Dick/Barbara, and also Tim/Connor. Yup.
Black Butler: Ciel/Sebastian fo' life, yo. *gang sign*
There are probably many more, but they're all I can think of now...
Quote Machine! Yeah!
"If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster." Isaac Asimov
Nicky: You can count on me to always be beside you every day, to tell you 'it's ok, you were just born that way, and as they say it's in your DNA! You're gay!'
"Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes."Jimmy Carr; I bloody love you. Please marry me immediately.
"I like the word "indolence." It makes my laziness seem classy." Bern Williams
Evey Hammond: Who are you?
"It is a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue." Stephen Fry.
Father Ted: It's not as if everyone's going to go off and join some mad religious cult just because we go off for a picnic for a couple of hours.
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
"At twilight, nature is not without loveliness, though perhaps its chief use is to illustrate quotations from the poets." Oscar Wilde.
"I object to all this sex on the television. I mean, I keep falling off."
Ted; His note from the bishop said they never really found a suitable place for him... he's not a very nice man, is he?
"I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand." Jimmy Carr.
Jim: Do we ever get our own way with the French?
"An original idea, that can't be too hard. The library must be full of them." Stephen Fry.
Random babbling woman giving evidence at a court case: I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so anyway, I said to her, I said, they can't afford that on what he earns, I mean for a start the feathers get up your nose, I ask you, four and sixpence a pound, and him with a wooden leg, I don't know how she puts up with it after all the trouble she's had with her you-know-what, anyway, it was a white wedding, much to everyone's surprise, of course they bought everything on the hire purchase, I think they ought to send them back where they came from, I mean you've got to be cruel to be kind, so Mrs Harris said, so she said she said she said, a dead crab she said she said? Well her sister's gone to Rhodesia, what with her womb and all, and her youngest, fit as a filing cabinet, and the goldfish, the goldfish, they've got whooping-cough, they keep spitting water at the Bratbys, well they do, don't they, I mean, you can't, can you, I mean they're not even married or anything, they're not even divorced, and he's in the KGB if you ask me, he says he's a tree surgeon, but I don't like the sound of his liver, all that squeaking and banging every night till the small hours, well, his mother's been much better since she had her head off, don't you talk to me about bladders, I said...
"I want to be young and wild, and then I want to be middle-aged and rich, and then I want to be old and annoy people by pretending that I'm deaf." Blackadder
"I get an urge, like a pregnant elephant, to go away and give birth to a book." Stephen Fry."I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members." Groucho Marx
Human beings only exist by sheer chance and evolution. We live on a small blue planet circling a very ordinary star, this is situated in the outer reaches of a spiral galaxy. We are so small and almost insignificant, it's terrifying when compared to nature and the vastness of the universe. No wonder humans invented a god to deal with this existential anxiety. Unknown.
Inspector Lestrade: In another life, Mr. Holmes, you would have made a excellent criminal.
"Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect! Owens Lee Pomeroy
"Yes ... the English speaking nations can be said to include the USA. With a certain generosity of spirit..." Bernard, Yes Prime Minister
"Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write "very;" your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be." Mark Twain
Elaine: You got a letter from headquarters this morning.
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." Groucho Marx
Watson: You've been in this room for two weeks, I insist you have to get out.
"Only in grammar can you be more than perfect. "William Safire
"You know the phrase 'to take care of something'? Well, I realise now that you meant that in a sort of Al Pacino way, whereas I was thinking more along the lines of Julie Andrews." Father Ted
"I'm not a religious man, right, I don't even believe in God. But still Catholic, obviously." Dara O'Briain.
"A lot of history is just dirty politics cleaned up for the consumption of children and other innocents." Richard Reeves
"One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation." Oscar Wilde.
Blackadder: Tell me Young crone, is this Putney?
"Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now." H2G2
"The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed, hasn't he, Perce?" Blackadder, Blackadder II.
"Success should not go to head and failure should not go to heart." Tamil proverb
John O'Leary: What can we do for you, Father?
"One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards." Oscar Wilde.
"Exterminieren! Exterminieren! Halt! Sonst werden wir Sie exterminieren! Sie sind jetzt ein Gefangener der Daleks! Exterminieren! Exterminieren!" The Daleks, Doctor Who. (German Daleks ftw!)
"We will economise on the beaches." Hacker, Yes Prime Minister. XDDD That part never fails to make me laugh.
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." Unknown.
Valkyrie: That's beautiful
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian." Dennis Wholey.
"I try to leave out the parts that people skip." Elmore Leonard
Jim: Why don't you look into it, have a bit of a ferret around.
"If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it." Toni Morrison
Watson: Get that out of my face.
"When a true genius appears in this world, you may know him by this sign: that the dunces are all in confederacy against him." Jonathan Swift
"If you can laugh at yourself, you've got a really sick sense of humour." Jason Q
V: Good evening, London. Allow me first to apologize for this interruption. I do, like many of you, appreciate the comforts of every day routine- the security of the familiar, the tranquility of repetition. I enjoy them as much as any bloke. But in the spirit of commemoration, thereby those important events of the past usually associated with someone's death or the end of some awful bloody struggle, a celebration of a nice holiday, I thought we could mark this November the 5th, a day that is sadly no longer remembered, by taking some time out of our daily lives to sit down and have a little chat. There are of course those who do not want us to speak. I suspect even now, orders are being shouted into telephones, and men with guns will soon be on their way. Why? Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn't there? Cruelty and injustice, intolerance and oppression. And where once you had the freedom to object, to think and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillance coercing your conformity and soliciting your submission. How did this happen? Who's to blame? Well certainly there are those more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable, but again truth be told, if you're looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror. I know why you did it. I know you were afraid. Who wouldn't be? War, terror, disease. There were a myriad of problems which conspired to corrupt your reason and rob you of your common sense. Fear got the best of you, and in your panic you turned to the now high chancellor, Adam Sutler. He promised you order, he promised you peace, and all he demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent. Last night I sought to end that silence. Last night I destroyed the Old Bailey, to remind this country of what it has forgotten. More than four hundred years ago a great citizen wished to embed the fifth of November forever in our memory. His hope was to remind the world that fairness, justice, and freedom are more than words, they are perspectives. So if you've seen nothing, if the crimes of this government remain unknown to you then I would suggest you allow the fifth of November to pass unmarked. But if you see what I see, if you feel as I feel, and if you would seek as I seek, then I ask you to stand beside me one year from tonight, outside the gates of Parliament, and together we shall give them a fifth of November that shall never, ever be forgot.
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. Groucho Marx
Jim: I'm appalled.
"I'm not a fascist; I'm a priest. Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas... priests... more drink!" Father Ted
"We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse." Skulduggery Pleasant
"I'd like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries." Jimmy Carr.
Humphrey: Prime Minister, I must strongly protest, in the strongest possible terms, my profound opposition to a newly instituted practice which imposes severe and intolerable restrictions upon the ingress and egress of senior members of the hierarchy and which will, in all probability, should the current deplorable innovation be perpetuated, precipitate a constriction of the channels of communication and culminate in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis which will render effectively impossible the coherent and coordinated discharge of the function of government within her Majesty's United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland!
"There are three states of legality in Irish law. There is all this stuff which comes under 'That's grand', then it moves into 'Ah, now, don't push it', and finally it comes under 'Right, now you're takin the piss!' and that's when the police come in." Words of wisdom from Dara O'Briain.
Humphrey (about the Prime Minister): He's got no. 10, a salary, a pension for life. What more can he want?
"A career in politics is no preparation for government." Sir Humphrey, Yes Prime Minister
"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."Groucho Marx
To Chico: What’s the time?
Trekkie Monster: The internet is for porn; grab your dick and double click for porn, porn, porn!
"I want to write books that unlock the traffic jam in everybody's head." John Updike
Vengeous: Are you going to shoot me? I wouldn't be surprised. What would a thing like you know about honour? Only a heathen would bring a gun to a sword fight.
"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you." Ray Bradbury
"...and instead of a mouth, it's got four arses." Dougal, Father Ted. XD
Sanguine: Then I reckon we got ourselves a good old-fashioned standoff.
"Euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne." Quentin Crisp
Sir Humphrey: To lose one Cabinet Minister could be counted as a misfortune; to lose two looks like carelessness.
"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." English Professor (Name Unknown), Ohio University
Dougal: Well, who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and they're gone. What's so bad about that?
Father Ted:[about Reverend Green from Cluedo] Those Protestants, up to no good as usual. Father Ted
Monty: Which one of you is the gardener and which one's the chef?
"The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one." George Bernard Shaw
Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?
*about gay people* FATHER TED: Not that there's anything wrong with that type of, um, thing.
"Well, "under consideration" means we've lost the file, "under active consideration" means we're trying to find it." Bernard, Yes Prime Minister
Is it sinful if you're blue
Get some earrings, some mascara
What the hell is wrong with expressing yourself,
Start a new fashion, buck all the trends
What the hell is wrong with wearing a dress?
If you wanna be a dancer, dance,
It's not a big statement, it's not a weird act,
What the hell is wrong with expressing yourself?
If you wanna be a dancer, dance.
It's not a big statement, it's not a weird act,
Everybody tells you what not to do,
Everyone is different, it's the natural state,
It's the facts; it's plain to see.
'Cause what the hell is wrong with expressing yourself?
Hetalia quiz, whoooo!
[ ] You were bullied a lot in your childhood.
[x] You can seem very stoic and serious
[x] You're very mature
The United States of America
[ ] You love hamburgers
The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland
[x] You like, nay, love tea.
[ ] You're very affectionate
[ ] You had a very sad childhood.
[x] You're very mature
And now for some other countries!
[x] You are very well-raised
[x] You're often ignored by people
[x] You are very, very lazy.
[ ] You smoke
[ ] You like to wear flowers in your hair.
[x] You're very loyal
[x] You're very flamboyant
[ ] You're quite mean-spirited
So, apparently I'm a mix of Poland and Greece. That's...surprisingly accurate, actually...
The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord.
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line, "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Wanted-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!", I will simply say, "Oh well," and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
Unsafe External Link