Author has written 3 stories for Maximum Ride.
So rather than put a long drawn out paragraph of stuff about me i'm just gonna go straight to all the random fun stuff. Enjoy
Friends vs. Best Friends
Friends wont steal your food
Best friends are the reaosn you have no food
Friends will share their umbrella with you
Best friends will run away screaming "run bitch run!"
Friends will bail you out of jail
Best friends are the ones standing next to you screaming and pounding on the bars yelling "let us out of here!"
Friends will comfort you if your crying
Best friends will ask you 'Whose ask am i kicking today
Friends will buy you a pregnancy test and sit quitly at the bathroom door letting you have your moment
Best friends will buy you the test and stand at the door screaming "name it after me! name it after me!"
Friends will cry if your parents make you move
Best friends will kidnap you and take you to Mexico so you will never be seperated
Friends will help you up if you fall down
Best friends laugh because they are the ones that pushed you
Friends will say "You deserve better" when you get dumped
Best friends will call the guy and say "you will die in seven days"
13 FUN THINGS TO DO AT THE MALL
1. Every time the speaker comes on scream at the top of your lungs "their back."
2. Bring a scooter and zoom around. Ask someone at a store where you can park your scooter.
3. Go to a store and grab 20 of the same shirts. when the cashier tells you the price scream holy cow and tell him to put them all back.
4. Buy a smoothie and tell a random person to hold it and walk away. See how long it takes before they throw it away.
5. After they do walk up and scream in their faces "wheres my smoothie!?"
6. Stand inside a store and when someone walks through tell them your our 4th customer today heres your prize hand them the nearest clothes.
7. Walk up to a random person and say "I havent seen you in forever" then give them a hug.
8. When they say they don't know you tell them you were best friends in the 1st grade
9. Repeat said process when the security guard comes
10. Switch all the size tage and hangers around.
11.Ask a random person in the food court if you can have a french fri.
12. run up the down escalator
13. put all the shoes in different boxes so they are mismatched
Im not judging him I'm just saying that he's stupid
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
"Bart, with 10,000, we'd be millionaires!"- Homer Simpson
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
Spongebob- "Why are you mad Patrick?"
Patrick-"I cant see my forehead!"
-“I refuse to be affected by territorial disputes between mythical creatures.” -Bella-Twilight
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
"If you can't fix it with duck tape you have'nt used enough."
"People are like slinkies they don't do much but they're fun to push down the stais."
-The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, "I'm from the government and I'm here to help." -Ronald Reagan
"People think it must be fun to be a smart person, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world"
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
"Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. "
"I didn't lie! I just created fiction with my mouth! "
When life gives you lemons, make apple juice and let the world wonder how you did it.
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile, and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed."
When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n’ slide.
A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
Smile. It confuses people.
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird.
You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If it wasn't for physics and law enforcement I'd be unstoppable.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop ?
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
The Stupidest Things On Products
ACTUAL PRODUCT LABELS:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh no we get real fake bacon.)
Copy and Paste thingies
95 percent of American teen girls would rush in a mob to every sperm bank if Robert Pattinson announced that he had donated sperm. Copy this to your profile if you would be part of the 5 percent holding a gun, watching the mob rush by, and picking off the weaklings...
-Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5. If you have A.D.D press 6 no 7 no 8 no 6 no 7 no 9 no 0 look shiny! If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dislexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you
20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
If you have ever run into a door, copy and paste this to your profile
If you have ever copy and pasted something to your profile, copy and paste this to your profile
If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile
If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this one your profile.
If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.
If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile
If you are against racism, COPY THIS ONTO YOUR PROFILE. The only race is humanity.
If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you know someone who should be run over by a bus, copy and paste this into your profile.
If your friends are WEIRD (But not as weird as you) put this on your profile.
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