Captain Razz
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Joined 10-09-09, id: 2109792, Profile Updated: 03-22-18
Author has written 4 stories for Aliens/Predator, and Dead Snow/Død snø.

Here's to the written word. I've never tried to publish anything before, but there's a first time for everything.

I've been checking out other profiles, and guess that I should add some more info, in case someone gives a dren.

Age: past the age of consent...though still 12 in my head for as long as humanly possible (tree-climbing works well as a reminder)

Sex: it's been a few weeks...ha!

Hobbies: Reading, writing things that I never finish, movies, old-school computer games (Diablo 2, The Sims (original), Rollercoaster Tycoon 1, etc.), herbal refreshment, liquid libations, tree-climbing, puddle-stomping...

Authors: Koontz, Barker, Hoyle, Kellerman, Coulter, etc.

Stuff of interest: Vampire/Werewolf mythology (not including Twilight), Sci-fi, Fantasy, Girl Power in any form (from Spice Girls to a strong female lead) - though let me clarify: whiny, frilly, crybaby, wimpy, froufrou girly shit is not my thing. I don't even believe in purses.

TV shows: Xena, La Femme Nikita, Farscape, Heroes, early Lost, ST: TNG, Voyager, Enterprise, Firefly.

Movies: Too many...most recently acquired: Doomsday, Zombies Anonymous, Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (FRELLING AWESOME FLICK!), The Piano, Ted Hamilton's 80's musical "The Pirate Movie".

Oh...and building things - hands-on stuff, Home Depot is my best friend madness, How can I turn this chair into a fountain?

I've been writing little things since before I could drive, but never had the gumption to actually set myself up for criticism. Guess we all have to grow up sometime.


A few short words. I'm re-reading to get back in the game. I intend to finish the story before publishing another chapter, because it's unfair to make the readers wait. I have no ETA. I will finish this.



I noticed a number of anonymous reviews from someone complaining about the end of A Fine Mess. Since they were left anonymously, I can't reply personally, so here goes.

I'm sorry you objected to my plot device. In writing there is always a plot device, be it interpersonal conflict, love triangles, racism, sexism, religious persecution, megalomania, trauma, death, or any other number of things - including rape. Things have to happen to people to give them something to overcome and grow from. To be honest, the original ending was going to be as you said - K&K kick Kh'val's butt and live happily ever after. However, when the idea for a sequel came along, that was no longer good enough. Kayla is not a mary-sue character. I would rather kill her off than ever let her be so shallow and one-dimensional. There would not have been a sequel without something for K&K to deal with, fight through, agonize over, and grow from. It makes for bad storytelling.

This is not a romance novel. If you expected that, you're reading the wrong thing. Two tough-as-nails fighting machines have to meet their match, and its not in battle. The hardest enemy to fight is within oneself. To overcome a weakness you didn't think you had; to realize that ignoring pain doesn't make it go away, it only makes it hurt more; to decide that maybe you can't do everything by yourself no matter how bad-ass you think you are - this is what telling a story is all about. If you want fight after fight with sex scene after sex scene with no substance, go read martial-arts porn. I'm trying to create real characters with real feelings and true to life circumstances.

And if something like that happened to you and that's why you're upset...then I'm sorry it cut too close to home. Can't please everybody. You can read something else - Or you can read the continuation and find out why it helped them both to grow out of the shells they'd been living in. But take off your blinders and entitlement cap and open your mind. Maybe the world will make a little more sense to you. At least you'll be able to absorb entertainment a little easier.

It's a story. It's a story I'm writing. It's a story I'm writing for everyone. Not just for you. There's more to a halfway decent story than fighting and sex. And for the record, I hate wimpy female characters, and I hate mary-sue's. If you think she was wimpy for fighting back against someone 3 times her size, getting in some decent hits, and still getting the crap kicked out of her and raped by someone who was an obvious psycho fantasizing about it the entire time, then you have a problem bigger than my story.

Did you read it, or just skim it for fight scenes and sex? Look at this - you just bounced around all over the place, from the first chapter to the last, and then to the 5th and 6th. Do you fast-forward through you life the same way too? Or is it all edited by your phone? Learn to actually read in sequence.

Guest chapter 6 . May 25

Using the rape as an obstacle between them. Bad decision

Guest chapter 5 . May 25


Guest chapter 28 . May 25

I suggest you rewrite the ending of the prequel. Change the part where Kayla gets raped to her killing the bastard instead. That's the only way I'll be able to continue reading this story.

I read supernatural stories to get away from horrible things that happen in reality. I don't want to read about it when I'm trying to enjoy a story.

Guest chapter 28 . May 25

Kayla went from a kick ass character to a damsel in distress.

Guest chapter 1 . May 25

I loved this series until you ruined it with the rape
I'm so disgusted :(

Oh yes...just for you I will change an entire story. Get over yourself and go skim for action-porn elsewhere.

On that note...I think the muse is angry enough to get back in the game. I haven't forgotten, and the players are coming together for the final 12 chapters, whether short-attention-spanned skimmers like it or not.



The Captain lives! I know you are all tired of the excuses, but I'm no professional writer. The muse comes and goes, and for the last 2 years it has been completely absent. I suppose I should be thankful for the loss of yet another job, so that I have time to get the damn muse back.

I appreciate every single reader I have and have had in the past. I can make no promises about timing, but as I've said before, this story isn't over until it is finished. If it takes me another 20 years then it takes 20 years. As it is I started the first story nearly what...10 years ago? Though I promised, I still haven't finished the whole thing.

I am trying.

As Lenny Kravitz said - "Baby it ain't over 'till it's over."



Greetings people. First I want to say thank you for sticking with me, reminding, inquiring, hounding (please, more hounding! seriously!) and otherwise waving hysterically at me in WTF fashion. I have not forgotten Mess, not by a long shot. I have simply (or not so simply) lost the ability to write. Yes, lost. I have had 1200 words typed up for the next chapter since February, and can't seem to get past that. I've been dealing with some personal issues (which is no excuse), and some matters of principle (that I didn't have when I started A Fine Mess years ago). I actually have more time to write at work, but I can't let myself because i know it's wrong. Yeah, gimpy, right? I rattle off scenes in my head that disappear the moment my fingers hit keys.

Anyway - I intend to finish this. I do. I have the end of this story burned into my mind - it's the getting there that's the problem. If I have to, I'll put in a "on hold" filler chapter (Yes, I hate those too), and then finish writing the whole damn story before i post anything else. It seems only fair to stop this endless waiting. If I could only f-ing write something...

If I'm losing you, I understand. Don't cancel the alerts. It will pop up in your inbox again one day, and you'll be pleasantly surprised to find that the whole thing is done. I owe you all that much for staying with me all this time. I owe you the conclusion of K&K, and I will give it to you...

Just as soon as I can flipping write something coherent again. Pissing me off that i can't.



Greetings from the land of the lost. It's been nearly a year since my last chapter, and over a year since my last profile update. Sorry 'bout that. I've had the next chapter written/jotted/drafted since March 2015, but haven't been able to flesh it out much. I've decided to put it up anyway, before I lose what few readers I've got left. I submit this gift for the new year, and wish everyone many happy returns. No promises on how long the next chapter will take, but since 2015 was a dark smeary blur of a year anyway, and I have no intention of repeating that dark smear for '16, it might not take as long. emphasis on the 'might'.

"You should be dancin', yeah!" "She's got the boogie fever, I think it's goin' around." "We're gonna boogie oogie oogie 'till we just can't boogie no more!"


-Cap'n Razz


I have it! FCOL! I finally know what's got me stumped. It's been fantasy...shit no one's seen or imagined or could hopefully possibly relate to. well, maybe imagined, yeah...but you know what I mean. I'm in human territory now. I tried to write from the wrong side of the spectrum. Who the hell are these people who we, now at least, must 'get', even if the background is made-up-future. Ok...I see now what must be done. just keeping you informed. Progress should recommence shortly. Darn-it... I should'a realized this sooner. frell...

and note to self Post-Mess, Pre-Any other attempt: write the whole damn thing first. ;-)



Hello people. Happy December, such as it is wherever you are. I just wanted to say that these delays are not just because I've forgotten K&K. It's just that life gets in the way, y'know? I had half of the next chapter written when I uploaded the last, but then had a change of heart that meant rewriting the whole thing. It shouldn't be difficult, but as I In June I tore apart my bathroom in anticipation of having it done for my mother's visit in July. *cough*bullshit*cough*. Since then and in addition to the issues that kept me from writing up to that point, I've been trying to put it back together. That in combination with working a job that 1st I hoped would keep me permanently, and 2nd realized meant heinous hours and a lack of downtime when inspiration hits to write at work, meant that my previous ability to keep up with demand was fucked. Then, in the midst of job-mojo-damnation, my grandmother died. The last elder link to my Dad's side of the family. The last actual predecessor for myself, my sister, and our cousin, was gone. None of us are having any kids...unless cuz has gotten suckered by some woman, poor stupid fuck-up of a the lineage is over. Lotsa weight on these 'i'd rather not have weight or i'd have kids, thank you' shoulders.

I digress.

K&K aren't lost. Their pan somehow got nudged off of the burners and is now floating around with the rest of the "I want to do this..." ideas. Their little saucer flickers between "Really do now" burnt orange and "It can wait just a little bit" burnt yellow. Not a good place. They need to be up with the rest of the "NOW, NOW, DO IT NOW" flaming reds, but I can't seem to move 'heating' and 'job' and 'down time' and 'bathroom' from the burners.

My bedroom is 15 degrees colder than the rest of the house. I know...heat rises, right? Well my house defies the laws of fucking physics, ok! And gas is frelling expensive. So...another thing occupying the burner. And the rows circling closest to the burner, right now, include heating, structural integrity, car, bills, health (gaining a lot of weight here...not good), psychotically needy mother, piano (YES, SHE'S HERE!), and a fierce need to get laid.

But...K&K just got together...K&K have a planned existence...K&K are out there in the 'need-to-do' ether waving flags and trying to be heard over the din. And I can't throw a life preserver worth a damn. So I keep one of several telescopes pinned on them and do my best to clear the path they're on. Maybe I can fish them close enough to reel back to the burners. The bathroom needs to move but keeps finding reasons for me to say "fuck, wait! gotta fix that now. dammit!" Tough remodeling things yourself. Takes time and concentration. Looks just the way you want it, but is a fucker along the way.

Yeah, and I hear you now..."you could be writing instead of this bullshit", but the giant vodka tonic I drank after work nixed that idea and burped this confession.

I see them. They're not lost just floating, and I'll be damned if it takes another 2 months. Work should be slow...and I need to learn to write at home. Mojo needs to reschedule.

-Razz the between-whelmed-and-overwhelmed and not happy


I'm sorry. I haven't abandoned it. I have no time to write. I'm working on it when I can. I REALLY just have no time.



I know...IknowIknowIknow. Where the F is the story? I've probably lost a ton of readers (though new favs and alerts keep popping up, thank you!), but I just can't control the muse. I can't seem to write. It's not coming to me at all. My traditional method of inspiration is no longer possible, and I can't seem to summon the mojo any other time. I'm trying, but every time I sit down my mind goes blank.

So i'm sorry if you're tired of waiting, and i'm sorry if it's taking another month. I just can't get it together to write.

Bear with me.



I'm not going to complain about the crap that just happened...nope...not gonna do it! just as i log in to say some wittiness...shite happens!!!

As I was going to say before the shite...I hope you enjoyed the little tidbit in Mess 19. I know it was tame and rather non-yautja like, but really people...OF COURSE IT WAS! Our dashing prince has NEVER done the deed before, so how would he know what to do? Being led by Ms. Thang would definitely change the flavor, y'know? hence his little amazements and whatnots as things unfolded. how cute. "wow...didn't know 'that' went 'there'! cool!" But don't worry Messnettes, instinct will not be denied once the fire is stoked, right?

WHAT A BULLSHITE F-ING DAY!!! and it's only 1!

- Captain 'anything else, god? it's me, the turd under your shoe!' Razz


Well, another one bites the dust. This might be a long-winded post, because it's 7:15 am, I've been up doing plumbing since 5, i beat the birds and the local stray cats out of slumber, and NOW I'm caffeinated.

First, I hope I didn't confuse anyone by rearranging these. I realized that it's probably stupid to make people scroll all the way to the bottom for the new post. I hate when I have to do it, why do it to you? So, off to rearrange...

2) It's amazing how work tends to filter over into real life...never thought about the ease of cut and paste (which I use(d) all the time at work), but instantly started using it to do this. Ah...subconscious thou surprisest me.

3) Damn...for an anti-social hermit, I sure do blab about some crazy nothing, don't I?

4) 7:35 am...blasting Big Band. gotta love coffee. gonna break this chair boogieing in my seat.

5) 7:46 am...ladies...boogieing in your seat is great butt exercise! oh, and finally finished rearranging.

So yeah, next on the thought process is AFM. I've been stuck, lost, forgetful and downright cruel to K&K. It's entertaining and coherent, but they're becoming transparent, aren't they? I realized reading someone else's story that I've lost not my perspective but theirs. K&K aren't stereo instructions, I can't keep writing them that way. They've got depth that was sort of established, but now instead of writing their take on the sitch, I'm too focused on just writing the sitch itself. And I feel like my eyes have opened's about them, not what happens around and to them. And granted, I'm not saying I don't like it...I love my story...I just realized that I owe the readers, including me, better than I've been dishing out. Somewhere the muse switched up, or maybe not the muse but the gut instinct interpretation of said muse. Some crap like that. Caffeine, remember.

Ok, was going to try to share some lyrics from "Minnie the Moocher", but for the life of me I can't even get the first line right! Good ol' Cab.

Just checked the leaks. I love it when a plan comes together!

So yeah, K&K...we'll see what happens next...but hopefully it won't take too much longer.

Thanks for sticking with me.

-Captain 'back to the drawing board' Razz


Greetings. I know, I know...where the F is the story??? I'm working on it. Kinda hit a block when I started my new job. As I've said in previous posts, the inspiration usually hits at work - when I'm supposed to be working - and this new job doesn't give me a second to pee, really...much less write. Also, I want to make sure that I give you a good continuation of the WHAM BAM of last chapter. I meant to do it that way, and I intend for an extension of course, but it's gotta be PERFECT! So I just wanted to let you know that I haven't forgotten...I'm just stuck. I don't like filling an entire chapter with some great stories that were nothing but (still wondering if Ooman will ever be finished), but mine isn't like that. K&K have a lot more to deal with, and this is simply added to the mix, not becoming the mix.

So...if you're waiting and still with me, I'm sorry for the delay. If you've abandoned K&K because their keeper is a slow F, I don't blame you, but keep checking back. I love this story and my characters. I just want to do them justice.

-Captain 'little o' this, and then nookie, and then a little o' that, and then more nookie' Razz


How do. So I was asked a very good question, and I thought to clarify my Yautja universe for everyone just to be fair. We all tweak it in some way. Must be certain the audience is in the right AU, don't we?

Yautja have a crazy sense of smell. K&K are on a planet of females in the height of mating season. He's an UNTOUCHED MALE lusting after a human. If he mates with her, every female within (and maybe outside) scenting range will not only know that he's mated with a human...they'll also be able to tell that it's his first time, and from that deduce who he is. He wouldn't be able to hide it...not even if they buried him. What other male in Yautja Society would ever last that long without mating. ok, within MY yautja society.

Thanks for pointing that out to me...I hate to confuse, but this story tends to be all over the place.

-Cap'n 'sucks to be Kh'aan' Razz


Greetings. First and foremost Happy New Year! I hope you all had a good time. Second...that last chapter sucked. I know it...i know you know it. The plot was fine, I got my point across, but when I reread the thing this weekend it took all I had not to delete it. My writing has suffered in the past few months, and I apologize to you all for it.

One thing I noticed was Kh'aan...what the hell have I done to him? He's...almost...lame. Granted they're in funky circumstances which require him to pretend, but I was appalled reading it. I think I saved him a smidge at the end, but it wasn't intentional and therefore it completely sucks. I also noticed that I might be repeating myself...

I don't know...Razz is so discombobulated these days that things just don't function right. Anyway, I hope my disappointment was only my own. I'll do better. I promise.

-Captain Razz


Hey all. Yes, the Captain is still here. But the Captain's Muse has jumped ship and is hiding somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle. I'm completely, totally and utterly stumped by this next chapter. I'm sorry to keep you waiting, but it's just not coming together yet. I'm not sure if I know the blueprint but can't build, or if I have the structure and don't know the blueprint.

Sorry for the delay. AFM will continue just as soon as I can wrangle the muse back under control. grrr..."Lassie! what'd ya find, girl? Is it a kid in a well or just my lost inspiration?"

Yours in writer's block,

Captain Razzmatazzmafazzma...whatever.


Story Facts. Probably overdue, but i thought it would be fun to write a few character bios.

Sergeant Kayla Elvia Victor. Age - 32. Height 5'8". Weight - 148 lbs. Of African/German/Irish/Korean descent. Born in New Chicago, Central Province of the coalition of American States in 2255. Raised by botanist parents until parents reassigned to Alpha Centauri sector - no kids allowed. Raised by grandfather in Northern Hardwood Reservation until age 18. Enlisted in the military. Never saw parents again. Only child...(i think...pretty sure i never gave her siblings)

Firstborn Kh'aan of the Royal Malkhin Clan. Exclusive Clan of the line of High Elders. Age - 99 (Yautja), 185 (Human). Height - 7'11". Weight - 324 lbs. Born in the First Temple of Paya on Zhanun. Year unknown...yautja calendar, 2102 Human calendar. Heir to the seat of High Elder, Bred and trained to lead the Yautja. Received highest honors for trails of strength, strategy and survival. Two brothers, zero sisters.

Heh...that's all i've got so far. Let me know if you want to learn about anyone else. Thought it was funny to have a little bio for them.



Greetings. Fixed a flub in 14. very obvious flub for the 88 people who've read it. Hopefully those who haven't won't realize the boo-boo. Speaking of which, where are the reviews, people? 88 views and only Ooman gave me an opinion? (Thanks, Oo!) Humph...good thing i'm writing this mostly for my own thrills or the disregard would smart. Yeah, i'm whining. Y'all fuel me and i'm running on fumes. ha!

Anywho...hope you ALL enjoy the chapter, reviews or not, and a tip from the Captain's Toolbox. DO NOT PAINT BRICK!!! It is a beeyotch to get off! If you're so inclined to do something so stupid, at least do the whole house and not only the brick around window and door frames. And DO NOT make it SKY BLUE on red brick! Wish i could find the former owners and give them what-for.

-Captain 'Diary of a Girl and her Paint Stripper' Razz


Something tells me that it's a good thing they waited.

Another thought...I just noticed that announcement by FF about MA stories. I'm not sure how I feel about that, because like any breathing human I enjoy some well-written nookie...but I also understand how things can get carried away. I understand that they don't want in depth descriptions of body parts doing their thing...ok, yeah, a scene can be written without an anatomy lesson and still come off ultra-steamy. But what about the violence thing? Exactly what is too much violence in a story? Where will they draw the line? In terms of AVP stories, Predators kill by ripping out spines and skulls. How can you possibly depict that without depicting it? How can you write about war or death without actually writing it? That makes no sense. They need to be just a tad more specific as to what EXACTLY constitutes too much.

I've read a lot of stories that were graphic in one way or another, and it all depends on the delivery. We're writers. We can choose our words carefully to get the point across, there's no need to big-brother us down just because one 12 year old read a story that was too mature for them. Parents have stopped parenting their children, but that's not my fault or any other writer who chooses this site to post their art.

So if FF has no idea exactly what they mean by their grand declaration, perhaps they need some help.

1) Sexual situations between characters do not need an accompanying anatomy lesson. We all know what they're 'playing' with, and we should be able to write some super juicy stuff without PRECISE detail, y'know. meaning...come up with another word for the parts, people. It won't diminish the story, in fact it will add further fuel to the imagination. That's the whole point of this right? Words to allow our minds to make up the images.

2) Violence is violence. There's no way to make it pretty...violence is never pretty or PC. But ok...perhaps if you're writing about evisceration, you don't need to include how slimy the innards are, eh? Or maybe they just want us to eliminate descriptions like "the spine popped from the skin with a wet squelch spewing tissue and bone all over the grass". Hmmm...if you eliminate the squelch, it's not too bad. We have good imaginations...we can make up our own sound effects while we read. If that's not what they mean, they need to clarify. What exactly is 'too violent' when you're writing about violence? They can't expect people to stop writing about it. It's the way of the world.

3) Already posted stories SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN DOWN!!! End of story. People worked very hard to create them, and to remove them just to please the 'sensitive' reader or parent that complains is akin to what numerous political regimes around the world do to their people in the name of what THEY believe is right. An alternative could be to add a cover page to graphic stories, perhaps one that insists that the reader be a member before reading. Yeah, I know that wouldn't be right, but it would enable FF to screen who reads the content without denying it to EVERYONE. Ok, maybe that won't work, but the only way they're going to be able to enforce this ruling is to have an age check. And frankly...the M rating is the same damn thing. Are they going to delete all of the M's?

Look, I understand that as a free site they risk a lot of unintentional viewings, but it is not their place to police children. The next person who complains about the content should be asked "did you read it yourself, or did your child?" and then told "you don't have to read it, and you should be watching your child." I, for one, will leave this site forever if some of my favorite stories disappear. I don't have to write here, but I choose to because it is a good medium that reaches out to not just the U.S. but the entire...ENTIRE world. It's a community that encompasses more unique individuals than most of us will ever encounter in our lives, and makes us feel like we are not in separate countries, but right next door to each other. messages/requests/warnings to the individual writers to clean up their stuff, but DO NOT delete them because Big Brother told you to. It is immoral and selfish, and if the shoe were on the other foot you would be pissed off too.

This is my own little rant, but if anyone agrees, feel free to share it. I'm rather upset that 'the man' is now trying to curb our creativity. Creativity cannot be wrangled into submission. It is the last free aspect of our lives as humans, and until mind-control is possible, no one can take it from us.

-Captain 'Don't Tread on Me' Razz


Hi folks. Well, I believe that I have a lot of disenchanted Mess-onites on my hands. I know you all want nookie. I GET IT! horn dogs that you are! :-) but see, this story has a well defined plot map, and I can't just sojourn off to the future without screwing up everything. Your frustration is K&K's frustration. See...empathy with a written's important! Trust me when I say that this will all work out, and as things develop you'll realize why I'm doing what I'm doing. Frankly, you'd have received your satisfaction and grown bored with the story by now if I'd gone with the original idea - two individuals freezing in a to keep warm...yeah, you know.

Would have changed the entire story and turned it into what everyone else writes all the damn time. So, unfortunately for you lot, I'm not giving in to the peer pressure inherent in the lack of reviews for chapter 11. 'In due time' will come soon enough. go read 50 shades or whatever that stupid book is called and get your fix there, cause K&K have a whirlwind to get through.

Oh, and for those who DID review 11, thank you thank you THANK YOU! G...i know i know i'll like it, trust me!

-Captain 'fast and easy never lasts' Razz


Yeah, it's me again. I take back "Suddenly" to be replaced by "Home" by Duncan Sheik - 'Call me a child, call me naive, the world is much brighter than it ever used to be...I am with you, no longer alone, when I'm with you, feels like I'm home...'

I need some angry fight music...sappy shouldn't fit a Yautja, even if he knows how to make puppy eyes. S'ok...there's Drowning Pool somewhere for the next chapter.



Hiya peoples. So I'm sitting here at work, ROFLMFAO at the Mess madness that has popped in my head. Yeah, as i listen to Billy Ocean's greatest hits (half of you probably have no idea who he is), I realized that I could songfic half of their adventures through Billy. haha! Let's see here...most of the beginning of A Fine Mess could have been "When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going"; K&K wandering around Kouchou-ville could have been "Caribbean Queen"; that tender moment before chapter 40 could have easily been "Suddenly"; And of course, now Kh'aan's obsessive 'mine mine mine!' is most definitely "Loverboy". Loved that video...that's what made me think of it, really. Lizard dude busts into the ocean-side space bar and challenges for the chick. I can picture the ride off into the sunset...teehee!

Admittedly, Caffeine had a lot to do with it, and I could probably come up with the same list once I switch a different CD...but it just kinda killed me. WE'll see if Paula Cole can do as well.

-Razz "I'll keep you warm, night and day, in the love zone. You don't have to be alone. Together we can live and learn. In the Love Zone" Think Kh'aan covered that in Chapter 1 of the sequel.


Hey people. i know, it's been a long time since I've updated, but I AM working on Mess. Too many things happen at once, and then you forget what you were trying to do. I'm hoping to get the next chap completed by next week. hopefully...if the brain will cooperate.

Sorry to keep you waiting, and thanks for reading!



How do, peoples! It's ROASTING!!!! But anyway, that's not what I had to say.

I have a beef. yeah...nothing personal against any one person or story, just something i realized while reading yet another Walking Dead fic.

STOP WITH THE WIMPY FROUFROU 'SAVE ME' WOMEN!!! PLEASE!!! ok, breathing! :-) Maybe it's just me and my personality, but i swear it's like every time i start reading a decent story (non-AVP, because we know that those Preds wouldn't go for a wimp), the female character always ends up some "oh I feel so safe", "oh don't leave me alone, i'm scared", "oh you're so big and strong, just hold me" damsel in distress.

How I HATE damsels in distress. Let's put it in perspective, k?

"The Walking Dead": any wimpy 'waiting for a man to save me' woman would have been dead LONG BEFORE Darryl Dixon swooped in with scruff and crossbow to save her. K? And if not, what the hell would he want with her? If I were him I wouldn't want some crybaby who couldn't even take a piss alone.

"Modern Female dropped into historic movie/book": Lord of the Rings? King Arthur? The Three Musketeers? Etcetera. I read a story for LOTR that had a cop...A COP...dropped into the story, and though she makes an effort to hold her own, she still falls into the "oh I feel so safe with you, Legolas" bullshit. WTF??? And King Arthur? My god, the mary sue's in those stories. Guess i'm just Anti-Mary Sue.

I recently read an X-men fic, centric on Sabertooth (love him!), and...get this...HE fell for some wimpy 'save me i'm weak and helpless' chick. Really. Really? I laugh my ass off at how people just soften him right up until he's all cuddly and 'i'll take care of you baby' stupid.

Like I said, maybe it's just me. Maybe the people writing those stories ARE that way...waiting for men to do stuff for them rather than taking care of themselves. Makes me sick to my stomach, but oh well. Unfortunately it's been drilled into us since the stone age that we were the weaker sex and good for nothing but breeding, right? Who am I to go against eons of evolution, right?

F THAT!!! Ladies, regardless of what you write, how romantic you are, or how cute the story couple is, never forget...


Ok. Stepping down from my soap box/milk crate on the corner in front of the Victoria's Secret now. "Turn away! You don't need to appease them, they should be appeasing you! Stop the insanity! Take that stiletto and shove it up his *woohoo* and tell him to get his own damn dinner!"

Heh...I'm a bad girl, but me and my brain and my head-bashing weapon made out of a broom handle, meat mallet and cleaver will survive the zombie outbreak WITHOUT DARRYL DIXON!!!

- Captain "And I am unanimous in this" Razz

p.s. I've come up with several "drop contemporary chick into world" ideas, so it's not like i'm just criticizing to criticize. It's just, mine would not give over her will so quickly. Maybe I should write one, but i'm trying to stay focused on Mess. -Razz


WHAT THE HELL, PEOPLE???!!! I finally give you some semblance of smut/smex/whatever the hell you call it, and out of 50 visitors in the first 12 hours, i get 2...COUNT THEM...TWO reviews!!!!!

No pleasing people, I swear...what's a gal gotta do to get some REVIEWS PEOPLE!!!!

(okokok...admittedly I just want some feedback on what is probably the first lemon i've ever written. Can ya help a sista out here?)



Alright! Tax season is OVER BABY! My brain is no longer three feet up my tush. Woo! Anywho...that new chap was a necessary thing. Can't just have nameless dudes running around beating up our heroes and dying. That's just dull. So now that we've established some insight, they will make some sense when they once again join the show. Ahhhhhhhhhh already feeling the return of inspiration. It's been hiding from the tax monster. working sucks.

-Da Cap'n


How do all you happy peoples! I just wanted to let you know that I AM WORKING ON MESS!!! AVPVPVZ did not kill the mojo, it was an exercise in creating new characters. Hopefully it was not in vain...just trying to flesh out some new peeps for you. Shouldn't be too much longer. The problem is that AVPVPVZ nearly cost me my job...and as much as I hate working in general, I want to keep my job. So, how long has it been since anyone has actually WRITTEN on paper, with a writing utensil and lots of scribble? Yeah, ages for me too...but that's the new norm, so it might take a tad longer for finished product. Write first, type when done, THEN edit. Used to be able to schmooze the first two steps together during down time, but can't do that anymore. S'ok though...we humans need to remember how to WRITE.

-Captain 'Mississippi hurts my fingers' Razz


Guten morgen. I don't want to check google translate, because that's just cheating. Hopefully I spelled it right from memory and didn't dishonor myself. Dishonor...jeez, i've been reading too much AVP

ANYWAY! a note to all of you who want to know what happened to Willy. WILLY IS DEAD! VAPORIZED! GONE TO THAT GREAT GARDEN PATCH IN THE SKY! She took one for the team, shined a flashlight into the eyes of li'l nuclear fungus plant, and he went BOOM! No one-shot sequel, no strip paper-rock-scissors with Timmy, no nurturing tips from across the cosmos on how to raise a man-eating plant. It was a 5-chapter one-shot. That's why it was so short, that's why it was updated DAILY, and that's why it's done. K? We clear? No one coming to kill me with pitch forks? good.

Now, as for K&K, I'm back in the saddle. Got some ideas churning, just trying to pin down which one will be the next fun-filled chapter of DOOM!!! So stay tuned, monitor your alerts or bookmarks or whatever you have, and have a JOLLY GOOD DAY!

-Captain 'farewell and adieu to Gooberlicious Poopmachine Stinkbutt, farewell and adieu to a really cool fish' Razz (Heh, yeah, goldfish went belly up last night. wah! Though...7 years from a 20 cent feeder fish...not bad at all! What's that in Fish years? 68? 82? Somewhere between 13 and 300?)


Greetings peoples. So I’ve been thinking…a lot of you are Deviant Artistes with mad crazy skill, doing all sorts of groovy artwork for your stories and whatnot. I’ve got a favor to ask. If any of you are up to the challenge, it would be rather cool to see some artistic renditions of K&K…see what you guys think they might look like. If you’re game, drop me a message and I’ll shoot you some specs of their characteristics. I was perusing through DA today at lunch and it just sort of hit me (I blame Jasmo’s page for the inspiration...good stuff). I would love to have a drawing of some sort of K&K…but yeah, I can’t draw worth a damn. I could probably draw a ship, but never a person.

Anyway, it was just a thought. More K&K is on the way. - Cap'n 'Is that an eye or a finger?' Razz


I know, I know, I much angst can we take, right? But realistic would it have been if she just bounced back like nothing happened? They were on the verge of some serious devotion, and then BAM! drama. You can't just bounce back unscathed. Never fear...I've just got to get this initial 'what now?' out of the way, and we'll get to more exciting and slightly happier things, ok?

Hugs and fuzzy winter boots! - Cap'n Razzmatazzmafazzma...something


Happy New Year, folks! Wishing you all peace and simple happiness in the new year.

There you have it! The continuing adventures of K&K, Another Fine Mess, have begun. The title isn't fantastic, but it still fits because hey...our friends just can't get a break. I'm mean like that! :-) Don't worry...our Kats always land on their feet.

Much love from the Hangover House! - Captain 'good friends are a fantastic thing' Razz


Merry Christmas, etc.! Thought to just say that I had to end it somewhere...just so that I could continue. At least I warned you, right? :-)

Our friends are, for lack of a better word, tumbling right now. Everything went topsy turvy from the existing chaos that it was. The question is now...where will they land, and how much will it hurt?

Don't worry. I love this story. I never thought I'd enjoy it so much. I won't screw with them too bad.

well...maybe a little.

Happy Holidays from da Cap'n! (And us too! -K&K)


No, I am not out of my mind. Completely insane, yes! Out of my mind, no way Jose! I was in the middle of watching 'Zombies of Mass Destruction' when I suddenly had to hit pause. Pause on Netflix, mind you, so the logout clock started running. It just suddenly hit me like the juiciest sack of wet bricks this side of the mason dixon. 'My God!' I thought...'It''s brilliant! Why didn't I think of this before?' I'll tell you why. Because I've been flying by the seat of my pants for the duration of this story. It comes as it comes, and it's so far from what it was in the beginning anyway that I could never have anticipated this point anyway. It's like I looked up from reality to realize that I was staring at the crossroads of a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure! And the brilliant part...IT'S MY ADVENTURE, BABY!!! which means it goes where I send it! Wow...the highway unfurling before my flabbergasted eyes is FABULOUS!!!! I just hope I can do it justice in translation.

So hate me not...or hate me...or hate me not...or...well shit! Hang on people! The brakes are busted, the rudder is crooked, and we just grew WINGS!!!



How do folks? So I've been re-reading Mess to make sure I stay on track, and I realized while on CH 31 that I never explained something. I just sort of left it ambiguous with the little explanation in the story, but since I won't address that item again...

Kayla's painful return to menstruation. Yeah. See, the shot she had been on for 10 years essentially put the female reproductive system into hybernation. Everything retained a bit of function so as not to atrophy, but otherwise was shut down. She would have gotten her next shot sometime while they were tumbling through the wormhole if things had never progressed the way they did. In missing it, her body essentially 'woke up' again. Imagine a numb arm getting its feeling back. Now multiply that by 10000. The thing is, once in the military - always in the military. Women either died in service while still on the shot, or they left the service at retirement age when the body's systems had already passed menopause. Either way, no real reason to tell them what happens when the shots stop. Crappy doctors! So even though she was not 'on the rag' exactly ("it's been 10 years, what's there to release?"), those cramps from beyond hell were essentially all of the muscles, nerves, tendons, and everything else down there WAKING UP AT ONCE!


Anyway, this just occurred to me today, so I thought I'd share some insight. Thanks for reading, reviewing and enjoying! Happy Holidays!

-Cap'n Razz


Message to Jasmo:

I'm an abrupt turd, aren't I? Meant everything, but shouldn't have reviewed that way. Sorry. But damn, yo! It's writing if it cuts to the quick like that, and it hurt. Wow. I'm screwing up my own story at the moment, can't figure out how but working on it. So I don't have room to talk. But yeah...couldn't wrap my head around your direction. My loss, I suppose. I'll have to keep up and see if I change my mind.

Anywho...Keep writing gut wrenching stuff. I may not get it, but works.

Yours Truly,

Captain Razz


Chapter 37...ahhhhhhhhhh 37...not my best, I'll admit. some flubs, some redundancy, but frankly I don't care. It came out just like I wanted it...finally. So if it's not perfect...who or what is? One flub is actually not, but i'll clarify that later. I know I've done it once, but I don't like altering the finished product. You get to see it in its entirety...screw-ups and all.

So as it is...what the hell will our heroes do now that they're actually in control of their imprisonment?

Hope you're all still enjoying this story.

-Cap'n 'Richard Cheese is my hero' Razz


Hey all you happy peoples. I thought it prudent to let you all know that I have not forgotten about Mess. Working on it as we speak, in fact. It's just a tricky chapter - could easily go either cheese or sleaze - and I want to make sure it's neither. So far so good...some last minute tweaking and it'll be ready. So for those waiting with baited breath - don't shoot me and don't forget to breathe. For those who care but not THAT's on it's way!

-Captain Razz


Ahhhhhhhh angst. Hard to read, even harder to write. Especially when you don't have the typical reasons to fall back on. But this is the nectar of our existence. Love-lose, desire-deny, help-hate. All wrapped up in nice shiny wrapping paper with a hideous clashing bow. Enjoy. This took a lot out of me.


-Cap'n 'stay alive, no matter what occurs...I will find you' Razz


Happy roasting Friday, peoples. I was almost not ready to update, but it's been so frelling hot that the only thing worth doing was sitting and writing. So I hope this provides some entertainment this weekend while we all sequester next to our air conditioners. I need to buy another one. grrrr...

-Captain 'not Heat Miser' Razz


WHAT THE F, PEOPLE!!!??? Hello? Anybody out there? *oh my god, I frightened away my adoring fans! or at least K&K's adoring fans! Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Seriously, y'all...thanks to the new reviewers, come back anytime...but where are my peeps? *people have a life, you know. They probably haven't had time to read.* no...not fair! Resistance is frelling FUTILE!!! You will READ people! THIS I COMMAND!

breathing heavily*

...And review, if you don't mind. Pretty please with cherries and chocolate syrup and whipped cream and Cristal on top? My very sanity depends on it!!!

-Cap'n 'grovelling' Razz


woahhhhhhhhhhh mama! Yeah, i'm a bad monkey. I hope you guys enjoyed ch 32...and the falling off the deep end of one uber f-ed up arbitrator. News for a new computer, so updates will no longer be delayed by technical malfunctions. The only thing in the way now will be my own mojo, or lack there-of.

On another note...we're reaching the home stretch, people! I estimate no more than 10 chapters left of Mess, if that. I'll miss these guys, but there will not be a sequal. Any sequal has already been written with completely different characters in mind, so it won't be K&K. Wah! But hey, I hope I've provided you with a decent story that, once finished, will be treasured read for many years to come. I personally plan to get it bound somehow. wouldn't that be cool! my first complete story! haha! i'm a geek.

Anyway, thanks for reading, and stay tuned for more from the world of K&K.

- Captain 'Kh'val needs Prozac' Razz


Hello my fellow word nerds. The Captain is the bearer of blue tidings this day. Admiral Razz has gone to that great sailing vessel in the sky. That is to say, I lost my father last week. It might put a delay on muse by just a tad, but never fear...Mess WILL CONTINUE!

I will miss knowing that Dad was just a phone call away, but these things happen. Everyone leaves their physical shell eventually. And to me, Dad's free. He's not in one single place at any time, he's everywhere ALL THE TIME. I don't need to call him to speak to him, I can talk to him anytime. And to hear him, all I need to do is be still and listen. You can't be sad knowing that Dad's on your shoulder, in your ear, at your back all the time. I'm not a religious person. My feeling does not stem from any 'god concept', any 'heaven/hell, better place' theory. It is simply the feeling in my heart, in my bones. From the moment they told me, I didn't feel like "oh my god, my dad is gone!" No. I had a little cry, but for the most part, I can't. There's nothing to be sad about. He hasn't left me, he's right here (looking over my shoulder at this post), right there...right everywhere. All I've got to do is feel him and he's there.

So, to those who have experienced similar life-altering change...fret not and fear not. They never leave us. Once freed from the bodily shell, they NEVER leave us again. They settle over us like a new protective blanket of calm and love, and all we need to do to experience it is accept it.

Anyway, enough from the peanut gallery. Captain Razz promises that more Mess is on the way. Much love always!

- da Cap'n


Howdy. Perusing through FF and had a thought about something. Many years ago I wrote the beginning and middle (up to climactic drama scene) of a wrestling fic focusing on Stone Cold Steve Austin (have a thing for bald guys in tight shorts who chug beer - though they have to be built like Austin). It's a good long story, though incomplete, and I'd love to clean it up and upload it except for one small problem. Wrestling's world changes like the trade winds, and he's not wrestling anymore, and half the people in the story aren't wrestling anymore, the groups aren't the same anymore, and...

See my problem? I'd hate to publish a story based on year 2000 WWF(E) just to have people complain that it's out of date (no shit!) or that they don't recognize characters or just generally whine that there's no John Cena (who is a total douchebag if you ask me...he and everyone else who joined with him are the reason I stopped watching wrestling). But this story is, to me, something worth sharing with those who remember the good old days of New Millennium WWF(E). From 1997 to about 2001 the storylines rocked! The writers were totally awesome and had me gnashing at the bit to see the next episode. Soap Opera is right! It was great! But then...the merger...branding...Smackdown-vs-Raw and no more overlapping of stars and stories. Ugh...they ruined it.

I guess maybe I should add a poll, huh? See who wants to read my Austin story. Heck, i wrote one of him, one for the Undertaker, even one that made HHH a good guy instead of an ass. And of course there's the Kane one that plays on the old character who couldn't talk and was burned over most of his body (loved that rendition of Kane...tortured soul...they ruined him too!).

Ok, i'll add a poll. I doubt anyone will vote, but even if I get one vote for "yes! publish it!", maybe I will. I spent so much time on that damn thing I hate to let it waste away in my filing cabinet.

-Cap'n 'Kane should never have picked up the voicebox' Razz

post-script: no one voted...buttheads! :-)


something's on my's been for quite some time...

Greetings people. Happy new year and then some now. Sorry for the lack of update, but i'm stuck on this chapter. I've had 500 words written for the past 3 weeks and haven't been able to flesh out any more. grrr! damn muse must still be hungover from New Years. Drink some water, muse!!!

Anyway, my goal is to finish this by the end of January. If I can just get the time to work on it i'll be ok. It really sucks that the creative muse only hits when i'm bored off my butt at work (don't even have to be bored...just working is enough to fuel creative distraction)...if i had some inspiration when i'm at home this would be done by now. grrr.

So don't hate me!

-Captain 'there's no return from 86' Razz (in case no one noticed...on a Green Day kick today)


HAPPY NEW YEAR! almost. Sorry for the lack of update before 2011, but I'm being Babs Vila, Ms. Fix-it. can't help it really, it's frelling cold and I must take steps. But...I realized something after my last rant. The reason I don't get reviews is because no one is having sex in my story. Yes, I understand now. I was reading Ooman by blacktalon117, and that story has 892 reviews. EIGHT HUNDRED AND NINETY-TWO!!!!! 4000 words less and 822 reviews more. But why, you ask? Because that story is a luscious cornucopia of raunchy naughty goodness, and I can imagine how easy it is to review with a "holy shit my seat's wet!" kind of thing.

But Mess? No. Aside from the Ch 13 teaser, no sex in my story. I realize now that if there's no smexy goodness (wtf is up with that word...smex?), no one really feels inclined to comment even if it was a good chapter. No hard feelings. Now that I know why, I won't feel so bad when no one reviews. BT117 deserves them all anyway! Such a great frikkin story! So if mine is 6 Days, 7 Nights...BT's is Basic Instinct. S'ok...I have an idea in mind for some serious naughtiness, but only after Mess is finished.

So i'll be happy keeping track of traffic. Oh, and for anyone reading this...READ LAST EXIT!!! I'm Dead Snow, and then read Last Exit. THIS I COMMAND!!! And I am Unanimous in this! I pity the fool that doesn't!

Okokok...stopping. Have a great holiday! Next time we meet, it will be to delve into the mind of a slowly deranging lunatic.

-Cap'n 'ridges, bumps or rings? pick one' Razz


Ok people, this is serious! Over the course of 4 days, 111 people (that's one hundred and eleven) have visited (not just hit, VISITED) A Fine Mess. Why are there only 2 reviews??!! TY to GrayHuntress and Golfbabe87 for reviewing! I guess I'm writing this story for them, huh? Well, me and them.

REVIEW PEOPLE! AS THOUGH YOUR LIVES DEPENDED ON IT! ok, maybe not that serious, but really...29 people have FAV'ed, and 30 have alerted this story. So what the F! :-) Granted i don't expect 30 reviews per chapter, but I wonder sometimes why i don't get more reviews. Wah! 'You don' me?!' (Picture Dory from Finding Nemo)

Hugs and Happy Holidays! -Captain 'I am a Nice Shark' Razz


Greetings and Happy Holiday Season approaching...or something like that. ANYWAY...edit to chapter 13!! watching new movie and realized anatomical error. bad monkey...monkey fix! hope not notice...toodles!



Greetings! Just a quick announcement...I WROTE A QUICKIE STORY! yeah, me of all people! It popped in my head after seeing 'Dead Snow' (Norwegian Zombie Flick), and i managed to write it in 2 hours, give or take. Now I know that most of you probably haven't seen this movie (your loss, RENT IT NOW!), but as far as the time setting goes, you really don't need to until the end. Otherwise you won't get the significance. Then again, if you don't hear the backstory as given in the movie, you might not get it at all. Dead Snow, and then read 'Last Exit'.

This I Command! (yeah yeah, Serpentor I'm not)

-Cap'n 'Demon Zombies with Attitude' Razz


How do all you happy peoples?! Just a notation to let you know that I haven't forgotten. There are probably many of you who won't see this message, but I refuse to add a chapter of Author's Note. Waste of space, and since I hate them, I won't do that to you. But I'm working on the next chapter. I have realized that the substance has been a little lacking and rushed in the past few chaps (they were praised - and I thank you - but I felt that they weren't my best), and I want to get back to the decent storytelling that you all enjoyed from the start. On that note I've given myself a deadline of next Wednesday (11/10), and I intend to get this thing fleshed out this weekend so that I can finalize it in time. Fret not, Captain Razz is on the case.

-Captain Razmatazz Janeway Solo Reynolds


Greetings shipmates! The Luxury Liner Rockin' Razz is ready to cast off! ha! what's that mean?? I've got the part for my frelling computer, that's what! Soon...very soon...i'll be able to internet from home until my brains ooze out of my ears. And this means UPDATES!!! K&K's Island will continue in all of its Twilight Zone glory!

A thought...not really a poll - per se - but a question. Exactly how evil should I make Kh'val? I mean, he's already touched in the head and unhinged...but I'm torn between 3 possible major evils.

Also...for those of you who are all about human/yautja shagging, please don't hate me just because no one's bedded anyone yet. I'm not even emphasizing yet. I don't know whether they will or not. There are so many sex stories that I really don't feel obligated to MAKE IT HAPPEN just because. I need reason and plot substance and, well, frankly...I've got a different story (with different characters) in mind full of 'roll in the hay' goodness, and K&K are warriors first. It's more fun with the giant question mark hanging over everything.

Blah...just blabbing mainly to inform that regular updates should recommence soon. Happy Monday!

-Cap'n 'don't ya love stinkbugs' Razz


Greetings from the Command Deck of the newly acquired Casa Del Razz! Yes, it worked! I beat the evil Real Estate Monster at its own game (mostly) and came out on top (wrenching my boot heel out of someone's skull)! I imagine you might think that this means that I've forgotten about Mess, but that is not entirely true! Most of Chapter (what am I on now?) is just needs some fine tuning, and possibly a tad more verbage. I hope to get it to you before the end of this week, since afterwards i'm going to be up to my eyeballs in bubble wrap and packaging tape, and I might not find my computer under all of the mess. (Though, since I usually work on this at WORK, there's no excuse except lack of creative mojo). But never fear, K&K and the Temple of Doom will return! woah...wrong film. sorry. K&K with a chance of meatballs. huh? K&K at Guatanamo Bay? teehee...funny.

This is Captain 'I ain't moving again and I am unanimous in this!' Razz,, stuck to a box by packing tape and trying to...

SIGNING OFF! gul darned frelling computer of dren!


So ya want more Mess, huh? So do I, my friends. The problem is twofold. 1) Work came around and kicked my behind asunder, and I blame Tax Season for the lack of updates. 2) The feeling is lost...or at least misplaced. An entire chapter written that had less life to it than a grocery ad. It was pathetic. So I'm reworking, and hope to have something soon. sucks when you don't have time to write, and then fall out of the world of what you were writing. Gotta reread. Thanks for keeping me on my toes, though. -Captain 'Hope You Did Your Taxes' Razz


Greetings and salutations.

the muse is stuck in limbo, the story will not flow, ideas have been forthcoming, just not for the tale we know. work gets in the way of mojo, mojo only functions at work, if i could write at home i would, but inspiration is being a jerk. There's the parallel of K&K, entitled J&R, but once written down, now K&K is lost. The love of a long lost undead assassin, and the muse dances around on its head. A displaced Mohawk hunting the beast, and the story that keeps him alive. Elder banished by the priestess along with his pet, or abandoned after mutiny with an ornery guest. and last but not least, a fanfiction not, but an epic of growth, betrayal, trust, love, hate, that refuses to wait until i've finished what i've started.

These are the speed bumps between you and more Mess. Try as I might I am stumped, I confess.


hey there all you happy peoples. Just a quick word: word. No seriously, after the lack of enthusiasm over Mess 17, I was really in no hurry to write mess 18...and then hit writer's block. So here we have Mess 18, and no enthusiasm again. It cuts me to the hurts me in my bwack widdle heart. Oh well. Love it or hate it, the story isn't done. There is still time for redemption. I can't help it if everyone wants sex and hates secondary characters. Without them, you'd have "pred meets ooman, pred fights ooman, pred likes ooman, ooman hates pred, ooman fights pred, ooman likes pred, live happily ever after with some sort of drama and some sex, the end." Come on...horrible. So, if you choose to ignore the carefully thought-out interactions b/w the secondary characters - you might not miss anything earth-shattering, but you'll waste time looking back to see what the F is going on. Besides...someone has to save the day, right?

-Cap'n Yo Way Yo 'The Dead Do Not Poo' Razz


Greetings! let me just say one word...SNOW!! So far it's up to my knees...had a dandy workout shoveling, and now plan a day of being a bear. Hope you're all warm! More to come with Mess soon!

-Cap'n Snowshoe Frostbutt Razz


Greetings! Quick clarification of something of slight importance to the temporal continuity of Mess 16:

Wormholes are theoretical and therefore open to scientific interpretation, scrutiny and a plethora of disjointed possibilities. In that sense, the vortex in this story has one simple fundamental, made up by yours truly, to facilitate plot flow: A time differential. 5 minutes inside is not 5 minutes outside…more like 2 hours give or take. Yes it goes against the typical but HELLO!! this is FAN FICTION! I'm tweaking, let me f-ing tweak! (Faculty - Zeke) So...erase Star Trek, Farscape, and Sliders from your brain…this is the new frontier!

Hugs and sloppy kisses to all!

-Captain Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fana Bo Besca Razz


Greetings to anyone reading this or checking back or whatever. I might not remember to say anything when I upload the story (kinda in "story mode"), so I shout out from here when I remember. Anyway...

I get the feeling that I've lost a good many people when I changed the rating on my story (Mess). I only changed it because I'm a FFnet newbie who doesn't know exactly what she can get away with. The single - less than 1600 words - chapter that I upgraded it for was not even that bad, really. I just wanted to be on the safe side. peeps like Ferno, Free, Monkey and everyone else on the 'missing' list...keep reading people! if you can...if there aren't some funkadelic space-aged blocks for age group things happening here. Seriously, I haven't heard from y'all in a while and I wonder what you don't like all of a sudden. My first story...I take your enjoyment seriously...sue me. much love! - da Cap'n


to the anonymous reviewers out there, DWD at the moment and any in the future, thanks for enjoying and I hope to keep you entertained! I usually just reply to the account reviews...y'all make it difficult! Not to mention I always forget to add a shout-out to the chapters. much love! - da Cap'n

010110 (add two zeros and that's 'X' in binary we're in the year of X)

First off, HAPPY NEW YEAR!! hope everyone had a safe and fun-filled night all around the world!

Second...NOBODY PANIC! before you start hating me, one very important point about "Mess-13"...if things were what they seemed...more names would have been mentioned, don'cha think? heh...gotcha with the 'female' aspect that way too! I'm a bad little monkey! :-)


Greetings happy peoples! A word for those who know more than I do...there are 21,500 pages on the web on "yautja culture" (1,080 if you use quotes), and frankly I wouldn't do that much research for all the college degrees in the world. So...if you're one of those knowledgeable types with a yen for factuality (Ferno), feel free to fill in the blanks as you read. I take no offense (a sword is a sword is a sharp blade for killing people, right?). This is entertainment, after all, and I will try to remember your tips for future reference. - Cap'n Razz

oh, and for those who are wondering about sex in my story...still trying to figure out exactly how to do that...way too many ideas from other stories (who wrote about the the hide and seek parts with their own storage pocket? woah!) don't hold your breath...check out 'Ooman' for a good fix!


novice thoughts of high regard were blind to true intention.

rush the jazz and lose the vision must have an intervention.

vow was made but would to please the promise must be doubled.

coherence is the point of task to which i must be troubled.

- Cap'n Razz

translation: damn...trying to write a good chapter in a week is'll take two. sorry. all the way to the beginning, did ya? Thanks for enjoying my ramblings. From the cosmic ink-jet ether, this is Captain Razz, signing off!

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Paya's House by GrayHuntress reviews
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Aliens/Predator - Rated: M - English - Suspense/Angst - Chapters: 18 - Words: 58,457 - Reviews: 41 - Favs: 102 - Follows: 52 - Updated: 6/18/2013 - Published: 7/1/2008 - Complete
Ooman by blacktalon117 reviews
Nova is a science experiment wishing it would all just come to an end. When scientists capture a full grown Yautja and put him in the cell next to hers, interests are raised. Maybe the warrior is just what Nova needs to make a break for freedom. Rated M. NOT FOR CHILDREN PEOPLE! Story now up for adoption, Have at people.
Aliens/Predator - Rated: M - English - Romance/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 36 - Words: 103,994 - Reviews: 1701 - Favs: 1,584 - Follows: 1,301 - Updated: 4/25/2013 - Published: 7/24/2009
Paya's Blessing by GrayHuntress reviews
Continuation of Paya's House. Sally faces significant challenges on Yaut with her new Consort, Sig'dan and raising pups. Sig'dan's pup-bearer makes a bold decision. M for mature themes.
Aliens/Predator - Rated: M - English - Sci-Fi/Drama - Chapters: 32 - Words: 217,711 - Reviews: 347 - Favs: 119 - Follows: 103 - Updated: 1/19/2013 - Published: 6/17/2012 - Predator/Yautja, Human - Complete
Silent is the Night by Mortisha Bloodfang reviews
A small town cop and a Predator meet and all hell ensues. F/M, Human/Predator, Rated M for: language, violence, and anything else that might fit into that category.
Aliens/Predator - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 14,500 - Reviews: 94 - Favs: 161 - Follows: 187 - Updated: 9/24/2012 - Published: 10/24/2009
Ten Reasons Why I Thought AVPR Sucked by Legal Humor reviews
Reasons why myself and others thought AVPR lacking in areas I would like to address. Agree, disagree? Leave your opinion in a review.
Aliens/Predator - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 3 - Words: 7,680 - Reviews: 47 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 3 - Updated: 6/1/2012 - Published: 10/22/2010
Haven by Zaerith Vrinn reviews
First AVP fic.When Lex joined the Expedition to Antarctica, she never imagined the turns her life would take. From the pyramids of an isolated island at the top of the world to the furthest reaches of the galaxy, this is a story about life and the unexpected places it takes you, but in the end, you know you can always find your home. Complete LexScar
Aliens/Predator - Rated: T - English - Suspense/Romance - Chapters: 43 - Words: 88,758 - Reviews: 903 - Favs: 833 - Follows: 424 - Updated: 5/23/2012 - Published: 12/8/2009 - Lex, Scar - Complete
Artistic License by Iseijin reviews
Two artists; one searching for inspiration for a movie blockbuster, another searching for prey and trophies. A battle of wits in which only one will get what they came for.
Aliens/Predator - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi - Chapters: 7 - Words: 28,569 - Reviews: 76 - Favs: 42 - Follows: 50 - Updated: 2/5/2012 - Published: 4/17/2005 - Predator/Yautja, Human
Weekend at Cousin Jerry's by Stupe reviews
Lizzie and her very good friend Jillian spend a weekend at her cousin Jerry's resort, and have a close encounter of the yautja kind. Now cousin Jerry is irate because the yautja is hanging around the resort, searching for them and causing chaos. Enjoy!
Aliens/Predator - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 12,641 - Reviews: 48 - Favs: 130 - Follows: 50 - Published: 12/23/2011 - Predator/Yautja, Human - Complete
Absolution by GreenWood Elf reviews
Mortally wounded, Gabriel finds himself alone in the Mojave Desert. And in his hour of need, he learns, as his brother Michael before him, that the kindness of humans has not yet been exhausted.
Legion - Rated: M - English - Drama/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 26 - Words: 147,266 - Reviews: 194 - Favs: 91 - Follows: 41 - Updated: 10/16/2011 - Published: 1/12/2011 - Gabriel, Michael - Complete
Resonant Souls by Ahote-Aira reviews
Vaako knew better than to think things would be business as usual with Riddick as the new Lord Marshal, but he didn't expect this. "What's the matter Vaako? I thought you Necros were all about keeping what you killed." Riddick/Kyra and Vaako/OFC
Pitch Black / Riddick - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 9 - Words: 22,943 - Reviews: 165 - Favs: 165 - Follows: 245 - Updated: 6/7/2011 - Published: 5/5/2010 - Riddick, Commander Vaako
Travelled So Far by Ridiculous Mavis reviews
Ten years on Agnes and Elin meet accidentally in Stockholm. But they aren't teenagers anymore and they have to figure out what has changed and what remains of who they once were.
Show Me Love/Fucking Åmål - Rated: T - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 10 - Words: 20,299 - Reviews: 26 - Favs: 17 - Follows: 8 - Updated: 4/22/2011 - Published: 12/6/2010 - Complete
Alien 3: What Should Have Happened by heroofcanton reviews
What would have happened if Hicks and Newt had survived the crash on Fury 161? A reworking of Alien 3 without the deaths of Corporal Dwayne Hicks and Rebecca "Newt" Jorden for all those who felt it was a travesty to kill them off.
Aliens/Predator - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 11 - Words: 19,015 - Reviews: 71 - Favs: 83 - Follows: 42 - Updated: 1/12/2011 - Published: 2/1/2010 - Complete
Return To Me by DarkMoroseXena reviews
Several years after her death a resurrected Xena begins the desperate search to find her lost soul mate. Set Post FIN
Xena: Warrior Princess - Rated: T - English - Angst/Adventure - Chapters: 38 - Words: 55,584 - Reviews: 280 - Favs: 162 - Follows: 78 - Updated: 8/8/2010 - Published: 11/5/2009 - Xena, Gabrielle - Complete
Black Garden by N1nj4 Grrrl reviews
What's a girl to do when the line between intuition and an over-active imagination disappears? Rated for language and future adult situations. May re-write someday
Aliens/Predator - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 15 - Words: 46,830 - Reviews: 212 - Favs: 344 - Follows: 118 - Updated: 8/4/2010 - Published: 7/15/2010 - Complete
Once Bitten by Clear as Mud reviews
...twice shy? Please; that's for wimps. And Aja Ryve, while having been bitten more than a couple times in her life, has never backed down from any challenge. But she's not quite sure if she's ready for the challenges a visiting Yautja warrior brings. ON INDEFINITE HIATUS
Aliens/Predator - Rated: M - English - Sci-Fi/Supernatural - Chapters: 13 - Words: 31,215 - Reviews: 42 - Favs: 27 - Follows: 18 - Updated: 7/25/2010 - Published: 4/4/2010
A Little Warrior Maiden by KitWolfren reviews
Hannah, a friend of Lex's, kills a creature that Lex once told her about, and meets a being she's also heard of. But he's not like anything she was told. He offers to take her with him, but her space adventure doesn't turn out exactly how she had hoped.
Aliens/Predator - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 23 - Words: 72,381 - Reviews: 124 - Favs: 153 - Follows: 79 - Updated: 12/8/2009 - Published: 1/24/2008 - Complete
Star Crossed Hunters by SteelPredator reviews
Lex's past comes back to haunt her as the Antarctica Incident is brought nerve-wreckingly close to home- aliens, hunters and all. Meanwhile, a hunter she believed to be dead returns to the shadows, searching for her, praying he's not too late. pls review
Aliens/Predator - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi/Friendship - Chapters: 18 - Words: 48,047 - Reviews: 133 - Favs: 96 - Follows: 98 - Updated: 11/15/2009 - Published: 7/19/2009
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Another Fine Mess reviews
The continuing adventures of K&K. Sequel to A Fine Mess. Once you find where you belong, how hard will you fight to stay? R&R and ENJOY!
Aliens/Predator - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 28 - Words: 168,003 - Reviews: 226 - Favs: 127 - Follows: 132 - Updated: 4/25/2017 - Published: 1/1/2012
AvPvPvZ reviews
A hunter encounters more unexpected than expected. 'Brains'. A mixture of obsessions becomes a jaunt through farce and fantasy. Join the ride.
Aliens/Predator - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 9,122 - Reviews: 41 - Favs: 21 - Follows: 10 - Updated: 3/23/2012 - Published: 3/19/2012 - Complete
A Fine Mess reviews
We live or die by the choices we make, but when does survival make way for life? R&R! Hope you're enjoying!
Aliens/Predator - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 40 - Words: 186,005 - Reviews: 230 - Favs: 165 - Follows: 88 - Updated: 12/16/2011 - Published: 10/14/2009 - Complete
Last Exit reviews
Dead Snow What if a man had one last chance at salvation before becoming a monster? No longer in Misc! Woohoo! Thnx FF! One Shot.
Dead Snow/Død snø - Rated: M - English - Drama/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,657 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 3 - Published: 11/15/2010 - Complete