Author has written 2 stories for Percy Jackson and the Olympians, and Doctor Who.
I've gone to find myself. If I get back before I return, tell me to wait here.
Any minute now, I will jump in with my pointless observations.
More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
My imaginary friend thinks you have some serious mental problems.
I'm bored. Run for your sanity.
We are not retreating . . . we are advancing in another direction.
I've always wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my enemy to go swimming.
I've never seen anyone so prone to life-threatening idiocy.
I'm not lost, I'm exploring.
Hi, my job is to annoy you.
Don't ever frown, you never know who's falling in love with your smile.
You laugh at me because I'm crazy. I laugh at you because there's an invisible leprechaun sitting on your shoulder.
Last night, I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars and I thought . . . WHERE THE HECK IS THE CEILING?
Before you judge a person, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, it doesn't matter, because you're a mile away from him, and you've got his shoes!
Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anybody driving faster than you is a maniac?
Come to the Dark Side. We have COOKIES!
Welcome to the Dark Side. Are you surprised that we lied about having cookies?
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
Keep smiling. It makes everyone wonder what you're up to.
Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.
National Sarcasm Society: Like we need your support.
I didn't lose my mind; I sold it on ebay.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion;it's just that yours is stupid!
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not so sure about the universe.
I had a friend once, but the rope broke and he got away.
I'm sure someone cares that you're alive, it's just not me!
You say I've lost my sanity. Well I've got news for you! You can't lose what you never had.
I ate a waffle today . . . in accordance to the prophecy.
Whoever said nothing was impossible never made an attempt to slam a revolving door.
I let my mind wander, but it never came back.
I don't have a psychiatrist, and I don't want one for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed.
What girls don't seem to know: when a guy acts like he hates you, chances are, he likes you.
Sometimes I wonder "Why is the Frisbee getting bigger?" Then, it hits me.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.
I don't suffer from insanity . . . I enjoy every minute of it.
Warning: Do NOT follow in my footsteps. I tend to walk into walls and off the occasional cliff.
I'll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those that can't.
Please refrain from excessively licking the ceiling.
The world is full of crazy people. They made me their leader.
This is Bob. Bob likes sharp things. I suggest you run from Bob.
You're just jealous because we act retarded in public and people STILL love us!
Don't mess with me, I've got a stick.
Boys are like Slinky's . . . useless, but fun to watch fall down stairs.
Slinky + escalator = endless fun!
I did what they say and chose the road less traveled . . . now where the heck am I?
Education is important; school, however, is another matter.
People tell me I'm weird and I say "You just figured that out?"
Best friends are the people that know all about you and still put up with you.
I dream of a better tomorrow--where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned.
I don't have a short attention span, I just--ooh, a kitty!
Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that, my children, is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies.
Make a man a fire and you can keep him warm for a day; set a man on fire and you can keep him warm for life.
The lottery is a tax on people who are really bad at math.
A piece of cheese could come up with a plan more cunning than that!
I'm not insane . . . I just do whatever the voices tell me to!
Boys are like trees: they take fifty years to grow up.
I don't obsess; I think intensely.
Muffins are just ugly cupcakes . . . but we love them anyway.
A conclusion is when you got tired of thinking.
At my lemonade stand, I used to give the first glass free and charge five dollars for the second glass. It contained the antidote.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Those who fail history class are doomed to repeat it.
The statistics of insanity are that one in every four Americans is suffering from some kind of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If it's not them, it's you.
The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we take the security labels off everything and let the problem work itself out?
My friends are the type of people who would try to drown a fish, but I love them anyway.
The buddy system is essential to survival; it gives the enemy something else to shoot at.
I like you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.
You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
A bookstore is one of the few pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
The computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick-boxing.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people and their questions.
Ooh, a life! Where can I download one?
Doctors say I have multiple-personality disorder. We disagree with that.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
Do not disturb, I'm disturbed enough already.
Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.
There's no place like home . . . but Wal-mart's close.
Whoever said words don't hurt never got hit by a dictionary.
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from a friend's forehead.
To err is human. To really screw things up, you need a computer.
People have the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege.
Join the army, go to exotic places, meet new people, then kill them.
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they're doing "practice"?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
"Cute as a button". Since when are buttons cute?
A celebrity is somebody who works all his life to be well-known, then wears dark sunglasses so as not to be recognized.
An expert is a person who tells you a simple thing in a confusing way in such a fashion that you think the confusion is your fault.
A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.
It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning for others.
Isn't it funny how people who want quiet the most are the loudest telling others to shut up?
Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
For every winner, there are dozens of losers. Odds are, you're one of them.
Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win and never quit are idiots.
You'll always miss one hundred percent of the shots you don't take, and, statistically speaking, ninety-nine percent of the shots you do.
Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness pays off now.
If we don't take care of the customer, maybe they'll stop bugging us.
Attitudes are contagious. Mine might kill you.
In the battle between you and the world, bet on the world.
Rule #13: If you ever see an angry chainsaw zombie coming at you, RUN FOR YOU LIFE!
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The more you learn, the more you know. The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. Therefore what is the point in learning?
What's this thing called "Normal"? Is it contagious?! OMG! Don't touch me! I might catch your normal.
You can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's better to let them have their own way then trick them when they're not looking.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, when I grew up I was BLACK, when I'm sick I'm BLACK, when I go in the sun I'm BLACK, when I'm cold I'm BLACK, when I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, when you're born you're PINK, when you grow up you're WHITE, when you're sick, you're GREEN, when you go in the sun you turn RED, when you're cold you turn BLUE, and when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away . . .
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call a "floor"--a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck, friends, for I may not return alive.
People fear the strange and unusual. I am the strange and unusual. FEAR ME!
Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. Either it's my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Collin. Or my other brother Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it's Collin.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
How in the world do all mad scientists finish their experiments in the middle of a thunderstorm?!
It's you and me versus the world . . . we attack at dawn.
Yo-yos were invented as a weapon.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, onto a little see-saw or jump through a ring of fire. They're trained for that.
The voices assure me that I'm normal.
It's such a beautiful day. I think I'll skip my medications.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
Friends are like potatoes: if you eat them, they die.
Who is this life person and where does he get all these lemons?
I'm smiling. That alone should scare you.
I've stopped fighting my inner demons. We're on the same side now.
My glass isn't half-empty. It isn't half-full. It's just a glass with water in it.
I run with scissors. It makes me feel dangerous.
I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline
When you wish upon a falling star, all your dreams can come true. Unless it's actually a meteor hurtling towards earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
There is a line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line!
Remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else.
They have sent us to this dungeon more commonly known as school.
There is nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and lose that it's weird.
Burning someone at the stake is considered rude in some parts of America.
ONLY IN AMERICA...
Notice: need help moving bodies . . . I mean, STUFF! Contact the local asylum.
Secret admirers are stalkers with stationery.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
A loser is a window-washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire their work.
If you can stay calm when all around you is complete chaos, you probably don't fully understand the situation.
Don't knock Death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
The newscaster is a person who says "Good evening" then proceeds to tell you why it's not.
If life gives you lemons, you could make lemonade . . . or you can make a biologically-engineered, virulent, air-borne, pathogenic virus that will wipe out the entire population of the planet, which would be a whole lot cooler.
Don't worry about people in your past, there's a reason they didn't make it into your future.
The rules only apply if you get caught.
Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? (zombie invasion)
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
So, what's the speed of dark?
Why is abbreviated such a long word?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste "funny"?
I have ranted to an empty room, and then ended with a "Thanks for listening" because, if no one heard, then it's okay, but if someone did, then I have officially freaked out a secret agent corporation.
Whoa, there's a feud between pirates and ninjas? That's going to make my part-time jobs hard.
I'm the kind of friend who would help you move a human body, anyplace, anytime.
I got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.
A true idiot climbs a glass wall to see what's on the other side.
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
I used all my sick days, so I called in dead.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Don't worry about the end of the world coming today, it's already tomorrow in Australia.
Kids are the future. Be afraid, very afraid!
Why be difficult, when, with just a little more effort, you can be impossible?
Warning: Lost kids will be sold to the circus.
I don't have a dog. I eat my own homework.
I love my computer. My friends live in it.
I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
You're a great friend, but if zombies are chasing us . . . I'm tripping you.
I think I'm looking at you and your clones. I see dumb people.
So many stupid people, so little duct tape.
I'm too tired to punch you. Would you run your face into my fist repeatedly?
I have multiple personalities and none of them like you.
I may be a cute penguin, but as soon as I get you alone, I will eat you!
I don't understand white crayons. Why are they here? What do they want from us?
"Let's eat Grandma!" or "Let's eat, Grandma!". Punctuation saves lives.
Get real. No one's going to form a single-file line if the building's on FIRE!
I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to hell in multiple religions.
In real life, men who sparkle are gay.
When I was your age, there were 151 Pokemon and Pluto was a planet.
You say "nerd" like it's a bad thing.
The next sentence is true. The previous sentence is false.
Honestly, I'm an angel! The horns are just there to keep the halo up.
You can't spell "diet" without "die"!
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
I'm not saying you're stupid, I'm just implying it.
Right now, I have amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
EMO - Extravagantly Made Origami.
Pluto: 1930-2007. R.I.P. Revolve in Peace
I'm an English major; you do the math.
Be insane . . . because well-behaved girls never made history.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like the other passengers in his car.
If you have five fish and three drown, how many are left?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns toast to a horrible little crisp that no decent human being would ever eat?
In Hollywood, a marriage is considered successful if it outlasts milk.
I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.
Don't take life too serious; no one gets out alive.
Death is God's way of saying "You're fired!" Suicide is human's way of saying "You can't fire me, I quit!"
Hippopotomonstrousaequipodaliophobia - the fear of long words.
I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.
Borrow money from pessimists - they won't expect to get it back.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Shin - a device for finding furniture in the dark.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, and then used against you.
You can't buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, which is pretty much the same thing.
If you are a serial killer, GET THE HECK AWAY FROM ME. If you are a cereal killer, GET THE HECK AWAY FROM MY FROOT LOOPS!
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while, I was a suspect.
The Energizer bunny was arrested: charged with battery.
When I was kidnapped, my parents sprung into action. They rented out my room.
To put it nicely, I hope you choke.
Sad News. Pass it on.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly-greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy raised quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered much of a smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
I realize that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure that you realize that what you heard was not what I meant.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.
"I wumbo; you wumbo; he, she, me wumbo; wumbo; wumboing; wumborama; we'll have the wumbo; WUMBOLOGY, the STUDY of WUMBO. It's first-grade, SpongeBob." Patrick Star
"Spiders! They want me to tap-dance. I don't want to tap-dance." Ron Weasley
"I think you're beautiful and my tongue swells up when I see you." Buddy the Elf
"Why do people in ship mutinies ask for 'better treatment'? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth, you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games." Jack Handy
"The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman." Jack Handy
"If God dwells inside us like some people say, I hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting." Jack Handy
"I hope some animal never bores a whole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you were having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching." Jack Handy
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man." Jack Handy
"As I bit into a nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable--until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD!" Jack Handy
"My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him." Jack Handy
"If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone." Jack Handy
"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people." Jack Handy
"Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire, and nobody got scared." Jack Handy
If I ever start to listen to the voices in my head, you're in serious trouble.
If we're not supposed to have midnight snacks, then why is there a light in the fridge?
Come to the nerd side. We have pi.
Innocent trumpet player by day. Ninja by night.
Bigfoot is really just a runaway Wookie.
Music. It beats killing people.
Hogwarts Rule #17: Seamus Finnigan is not "after me Lucky Charms".
Camp Half-Blood in the summer. Hogwarts the rest of the year.
If it weren't for law enforcement and physics, I would be UNSTOPPABLE!
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Even if the voices aren't real, they still have some pretty good ideas.
That's pretty illegal, even for us.
You're about to be a strange smell in the attic.
Our national health plan: Don't get sick.
To be old and wise you must first have to be young and stupid.
Blonde invention #2: Solar-powered candles.
Always be yourself (unless you suck).
The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you . . . but it's still on the list.
You're sad he died? Please, I was sad when they cut him from the fourth movie. I read the books.
Famous last words: "Hey, watch this!"
Hi, my name is Bob. Please don't hurt me.
Do not taunt the octopus.
1 day of coal, 364 days of fun. I think I'll take my chances.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean that you're an artist.
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe. He holds air hostage.
Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it.
Keep your hands off my wombat.
You were lied to. I'm here to bring the dark, hidden truth. Cursive is useless.
Hi, Thursday? I'm going to need you to stop sucking? You're not in some kind of twisted contest with Monday. Step it up.
The world is full with crazy, ridiculous people. The only way to deal with it is to be even crazier and more ridiculous.
I don't like the phrase FML. I like "FYL" because, when I'm angry, I make the world suffer.
Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens broke up. I lack caring. Wait . . . they're not going to sing about it, right? RIGHT?!
Some people look at the glass as half-empty. Some see it as half-full. I see it as a great way to poison them.
In reality, most of the world needs to Accio some sanity.
You know what's fantastic? Knowing you're better than someone. Even if they don't know it, you do. Savor it.
You know that talking thing you're doing? Do the world a favor and cut it out.
Have you been murdered by Death Eaters today? No? Then consider today a gift and quit whining.
Today is a perfect day to cause some mayhem.
If Ron Weasley can do magic, then why is he still a ginger?
Boring prequel: Harry Potter and the Ten Years Spent in a Cupboard.
If fat people are supposed to be jolly, then how do you explain Dolores Umbridge?
I see you're playing stupid again . . . looks like you're winning, too.
Why, yes, I do spontaneously break out into ninja moves.
I will take this spork and I will END YOU!
"All right, I'm only gonna show you this once!" ~ suicide bombing instructor.
Let's flip a coin. Heads, I win. Tails, you lose.
I've got trunk space and shovels.
Awesome ends with ME!
I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
It's not that chocolate is a substitute for love. Love is a substitute for chocolate. Chocolate is, let's face it, far more reliable than any man.
"The aging process has you firmly in its grasp when you never get the urge to throw a snowball." Doug Larson
I'm not mean. You're just a sissy.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
The zombies are looking for brains. Don't worry, you're safe.
Drunks run red lights. Stoners wait for stop signs to turn green.
You're perverted, twisted, and sick. I like that.
Please continue. Don't let my biting sarcasm deter you.
Music is my drug. iTunes is my dealer.
If I can't be a good example, I'll just have to be a horrible warning.
After we escaped from Voldemort and helped Katniss bring down the Capitol, Legolas and I got married on the Black Pearl and lived happily ever after in Narnia.
I really don't know why I don't just set you on fire.
I can't wait until we're all roomies at the asylum.
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
My friends are the kind that, if the house was burning down, would make s'mores and hit on the firemen.
I don't have anger management problems. I just prefer to solve my issues with violence.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Bored? Give me coffee. I'll change that.
Chuck Norris was in all six Star Wars movies. They called him the Force.
Creating man-eating mutant kittens is morally wrong.
Reality sounds like a nice place, but I wouldn't want to LIVE there.
Every time I go to the doctor, I get a jacket. A straight one. It makes me feel special because I get to hug myself.
Never say "Things couldn't get any worse". God takes that as a personal challenge.
I'm not questioning your integrity. I'm pondering the logic of your existence.
Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid.
School prepares you for the real world, which also sucks.
To you, it's ADHD. To me, it's random multitasking.
Prepare to cower before my invincible powers of irony and sarcasm.
Anger is only one letter short of danger . . . so . . . don't get me mad.
Remember life before the internet? Back when the world had, like, secrets?
Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.
Caffeine helps you do stupid things faster.
Friends don't let friends drive bulldozers while drinking acid.
When I die, I so want to haunt you.
I reject your reality and substitute my own.
I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.
How do I block you in real life?
Well, according to Newton's second law, not only do I run into walls, the walls run into me.
I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave.
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