100 Rules of Anime
The laws of Anime is a growing list of physical, universal, and natural
#1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity- The normal laws of physics do not apply.
#2 - Law of Differential Gravitation- Whenever someone or something jumps, is
#3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics- In space, loud
#4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion- In space, constant thrust
#5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion- The larger a
#6 - Law of Temporal Variability- Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero
#7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality- "Good Guys" and "Bad Guys" both die in one of
#8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality- It takes some time for bad guys to die...
#9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis- Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are
#10- Law of Dramatic Multiplicity- Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a
#11- Law of Inherent Combustibility- Everything explodes. Everything.
#12- Law of Phlogistatic Emission- Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.
#13- Law of Energetic Emission- There is always an energy build up (commonly
#14- Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude- The destructive potential of any
#15- Law of Inexhaustibility- No one EVER runs out of ammunition. That is of
#16- Laws of Inverse Accuracy- The accuracy of a "Good Guy" when operating any form
#17- Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability- Minimei is a bimbo. (Note: The
#18- Law of Hemoglobin Capacity- the human body contains over 12 gallons of blood,
#19- Law of Demonic Consistency- Demons and other supernatural creatures have at
#20- Law of Militaristic Unreliability- Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and
#21- Law of Tactical Unreliability- Tactical geniuses aren’t...
#22 -Law of Inconsequential Undetectability- People never notice the little
#23- Law of Juvenile Intellectuality- Children are smarter than adults. And almost
#24- Law of Americanthromorphism- Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles,
#25- Law of Mandibular Proportionality- The size of a person’s mouth is directly
#26- Law of Feline Mutation- Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
#27- Law of Conservation of Firepower- Any powerful weapon capable of
#28- Law of Technological User-Benevolence- The formal training required to operate
#29- Law of Melee Luminescence- Any being displaying extremely high levels of
#30- Law of Non-Anthropomorphic Antagonism- All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are
#31- Law of Follicular Chromatic Variability- Any color in the visible spectrum is
#32- Law of Follicular Permanence- Hair in anime is pretty much indestructible, and
#34- Law of Probable Attire- Clothing in anime follows certain predictable
#35- Law of Musical Omnipotence- Any character capable of musical talent (singing,
#36- Law of Quintupular Agglutination- Also called "The Five-man Rule", when "Good
#37- Law of Extradimensional Capacitance- All anime females have an
#38- Law of Hydrostatic Emission- Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is
#39- Law of Inverse Attraction- Success at finding suitable mates is inversely
#40- Law of Nasal Sanguination- When sexually aroused, males in Anime don’t get
#41- Law of Xylolaceration- Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal
#42- Law of Juvenile Omnipotence- Always send a boy to do a man’s job. He’ll get it
#43- Law of Triscaquadrodecophobia- There is no Law #43.
#44- Law of Nominative Clamovocation- the likelihood of success and damage done by a
#45- Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis- Regardless of how long or involved the
#46- Law of Flimsy Incognition- Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy
#47- Law of Mandibular Combustible Emission- All anime characters seem to have some
#48- Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism- If you get electrocuted or
#49- Law of Female wrath- If a male character insults a female character, he will
#50- Law of Artistic Perversion- Most (not all) Anime artists are perverts and are
#51- Law of Uninteruptable Nominative Clamovocation- This law is a mixture of Laws
52- Law of Telepathic Obliviousness- Most of the time, some Anime characters
#53- Law of Chromatic Diversity- Air can be any color of the viewable spectrum.
#54- Law of Old Man Comic Relief- Comic relief comes in the form of a short, bald,
#55- Law of the Wise Old Man- Little old Japanese men always know how it ends and
#56- Law of Omnipotent Unreliability- Any "Bad Guy" with Omnipotent powers/weapons
#57- Law of Minimum Corneal Volume- Eyeballs may make up no less than one sixth of
#58- Law of Electrical Charges in Hair- Hair attracts electricity in abundance,
#59- Law of Ammunition Accuracy- When there are multiple types of ammunition
#60- Law of Active Female Attraction- In a comedy series, a male character’s
#61- Law of Sweat Pore Variability- When a person is embarrassed, caught in an
#62- The Law of Inverse Training Time- A person who has been training for 3 years
#63- Law of Needs to Few and Many- The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the
#64- Law of Bad Humor- Whenever someone says something that is intended to be
#65- Law of Extreme Anger- Whenever a female character gets mad, such as seeing the
#66- Law of Differentiated Gravitation-
#67- Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any situation where the
#68- Law of Coercive Vehicular Control- No matter how complex or well defined the
#69- Amendment to the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension- In any
#70- Law of The Rushing Background Effect- Whenever something dramatic occurs, a
#71- Law of Interdimensional Hammers- Whenever a female character witnesses a male
#72- Law of Instant Band-Aids- Whenever a character is injured (usually in a head
#73- Law of Universal Edge Defense- Any projectile attack, from a blast of magic to
#74- Law of Intractable Sanity- There is no such thing as insanity in anime. When
#75- Law of Celestial Body Control- At a dramatically correct moment, a hero can
#76- Law of Aura of Forgetfulness- Any hero who wishes his/her identity to remain a
#77- Law of Cool Hair Factor- The hair of a hero will always coalesce into thick
#78- Law of Inverse Coping- Any single event will happen to the ONE character LEAST
#79- Law of Martial Arts Training Invulnerability- The Myth that certain martial
#80- Law of Stereotype Captain characteristics- If a captain of any type of ship is
#81- Law of Shades/Coolness Factor- Shades can make you instantly cool, even if
#82- Law of Hentai Plot- The proper response to any change in the plotline of a
#83- Law of Understatement- Anything that is deemed too impossible will become
#84- Law of Dormant Powers- Anytime a hero is somehow outpowered and/or outclassed
#85- Law of Style Coefficient- In a situation where a Good guy may be in dire
#86- Law of Bad Guy Smugness Factor- Whenever the villain actually succeeds in
#87- Law of Tableware Nonexistence- There IS no spoon.
#88- Law of Goofy Turn-Ons- In Hentai, ordinary , pedestrian objects sometimes have
#89- Law of Penile Variance- All Anime men in Hentai have a ridiculously large
#90-Law of Hentai Female Characteristics- All Hentai women have the following
#91- Law of Vaginal Variance- Hentai Anime women can take penis lengths of 8" and
#92- Law of Hero Identification- All heroes are introduced by way of appearance
#93- Law of Cute Mascots- Any anime either Shojo or Shonen has GOT to have at
#94- Law of The Force- Most Anime heroes are blessed with a unique sort of ability
#95- Law of Naughty Tentacles- All Anime Tentacles are VERY horny and will rape any
#96- Law of Cat-Fighting- Two females with a grudge can and will go at each other,
#97- Law of Healing- Most anime heroes have a Wolverine-like healing factor that
#98- Law of Stereotype Crew Characteristics- All ships, either waterborne or
#99- Law of Sparklies- Whenever a character of the main character’s interest
#100- Law of Anime Events- Much like wrestling, anything and everything can happen.
The previous was created by Insane Advocate and his two friends. Aswell as various internet sources inorder to help others understand the things that happen in anime. So to help others understand anime affter you have read this please copy and paste this to your profile thank-you.
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
Many English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. (Ahh, true love!)
Flying Thunder Cloud no Jutsu: Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks, and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists, or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present . . .
The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No," and shoot him. On second thought, I'll shoot him, then say, "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet, civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large, red button labeled, "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisers will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of a cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 1:17 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence, "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisers, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mindset.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line, "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harbouring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, naked mole rat, or whatever sickeningly-cute, little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of scepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say, "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an adviser says to me, "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?" I will reply, "This," and kill the adviser.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artefact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says, "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!", I will say, "Oh well," and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However, before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artefacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child adviser will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisers ask, "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a fire fight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment Room.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisers assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old adviser can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror, "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be, "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the twelve Stones of Power on the sacred altar, then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of, "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's super-weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
Thoughts on Gay Marriage! (as stolen from the profile of EmpyrealFantasy)
1) Gay marriage is not natural, and as Americans, we always reject unatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and lyposuction.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans...
You know you're an ItaNaru fan when...
- You don't think the words 'Ita' and 'Naru' could ever be separated.
For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you what is so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour-long sob fest, and then start singing and dancing when your favorite song comes on. Crazy is when you do or say a completely random thing, like "Do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or having a thumb war with yourself. Crazy is when you type up all your favorite sayings, print them off and tape them to your wall, just for something to do. Crazy is when you memorize the complete biographies and physical traits of every character in Naruto (or almost, at least). Crazy is when you write Neji Hyuga or Itachi Uchiha is hot on your homework instead of doing it. Crazy is when you fill up the tab seperators in your binders withe doodles/love notes/confessions of love/any other Naruto related thing you can think of about Naruto or the Naruto characters. Crazy is when you can open up Naruto and know exactly whi ch part you're at by reading one word. Crazy is when you laugh when nothing's funny. Crazy is when you stay up all night to write fanfic then wake up early in the morning to do it again, even if you have school. Crazy is when you get hurt and start to laugh non-stop for no reason. Crazy is when you can't fall asleep at night because you're too busy playing a Naruto game, or thinking about Naruto. Crazy is when you draw your favorite Naruto pairing so may times they start to look like totally different people, and then laugh at it randomly. Crazy is when someone calls you normal and you laugh in their face. Crazy is when you constantly refer to yourself as 'we', but aren't exactly sure why. Crazy is when you make strange noises to make it sound like you're talking in a different language, when really you have no idea what you're saying. Crazy is when Naruto's daily routine starts to blend into your daily routine. Crazy is when you stay up reading Naruto fan-fictions all night and your so tired that you laugh when the main character's lover dies.
If you're crazy, copy this onto your profile and add something crazy you've done to the list!
Reasons why girls are the best:
1.We got off the Titanic first
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game. (Untrue I have lusted over many male anime characters... What, don't look at me like that!)
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES
- If death eaters are attacking Hogsmeade I will not point at the sky and shout TO THE BAT MOBILE!
- So I was all like Avada Kadavra and he was all like Dead
- I will not ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.
- Draco Malfoy the amazing...bouncing...Ferret.
- Remus Lupin does NOT want a flee collar
- I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his time of the month.
- I will not say 'dude, get a life' to Lord Voldemort
- I will not ask Snape why he stole Batman's cape
- This icon is off trying to shut Percy in a pyramid.
- I will not sing "we're off to see the wizard" when sent to the headmasters office
- I have eight horcruxes, take that Voldy!
- Professor Flitwick's name is not Yoda
- I will not bring a magic eight ball to Divination class
- I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds when using my wand
- Sirius Black: Escaped askaban...Evaded death eaters...Outwitted the ministry...Killed by drapery.
Here's 84 different ways to Annoy Edward easily.
1. Prance around the house singing Madonna's 'Like a virgin' at the top of your lungs every loud when Bella is around to hear it.
2. Running it by Charlie that Edward has been 'sleeping' with Bella for the past 2 years, at the wedding reception.
3. Smear your blood all over his new car freshener. Blame it on Jacob.
4. Program his locker to—whenever he opens it to sing (LOUDLY) YOU AND ME BABY WE AIN'T NOTHING BUT MAMMALS, SO LETS DO IT LIKE WE DO ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL! HERE WE GO NOW! YOU AND ME BABY WE AIN'T NOTHING BUT MAMMALS SO LETS DO IT LIKE WE DO ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL! GET bobba NOW! And repeat. Over and over and over.
5. Ask him where babies come from. Tell him he's stupid when he won't answer your question.
6. For his birthday give him a 100 McDonalds gift card, and get offended when he tells you he doesn't eat food.
7. Ask him why he likes watching Bella sleep. Call him a pervert.
8. Replace his ringtone with 'Outta my head' by Asheele Simpson. Make sure he can't change it.
9. Color on all his Bella pictures with permanent to replace them.
10. Ask him to be a vampire with you for Halloween. (A.N. That has got to be the easiest costume for him!)
11. Take him to Victoria's Secret with Alice.
12. Constantly remind him that he almost lost Bella to a DOG
13. Picture yourself with no clothes and covered in blood. Ask him if he wants you, call him a liar when he says no.
14. Tell him Bella’s in love with Mike and she has been 'doing' things with him. Tell him you were kidding once he murders Mike.
15. Ask him if Charlie is secretly a unicorn.
16. Make him watch the 'Twilight' movie.
17. Ask him if he thinks Robert Pattinson is hot. When he says no, tell him he has low self esteem issues.
18. Buy him a dog. Name it Jacob. Train the dog to follow him everywhere. P.S. Make sure he doesn't eat it.
19. Ask him why he's not as hot as Robert Pattinson.
20. Ask him if he's ever done it. When he says no, take a picture of him and tape it to the 40 year old virgin movie poster.
21. Make him watch 'Hairspray' with you. Ask him why he's not as hot as Zac Efron. When he says that he is, ask him why he wasn't the star of the singing high school people.
22. Nail his CDS to the ceiling along with his stereo.
23. Start singing 'Paper cut' around him constantly.
24. Tell him that Paul imprinted on him.
25. Glue pictures of Jacob all over his walls.
26. Take his pulse and call 911 when you 'discover' he doesn't have any.
27. When you 'discover' he's a vampire, throw holy water on him and shout,"The power of Christ compels you!"
28. Make a lifelike Bella dummy (with Bella audio) and throw it into a fire.(A.N. Or have ane burn it mentally, and she'll be happy since she can't burn Bella either.)
29. Bake him a birthday cake with 107 candles and make frequent jokes about him being "over the hill"
30. Whenever he gets mad at you for annoying him so much, turn to the nearest person and go,"Don't worry, its just his time of the month."
31. Volunteer him for a blood drive.
32. Ask him what Hogwarts was like and why he didn't just eat Voldy. (Voldemort. The bald guy who wants to kill Harry.)
33. Paint his piano neon pink. Refuse to buy a new one.
34. Get a shock collar with sequins on it and have Emmett put it on Edward. Give Jacob the remote.
35. Tell him Alice saw that if he wanted to blend in with humans, he had to wear matching pink liquid eyeliner and nail polish.
36. Paint his Vanquish Pepto Bismol pink.
37. Every time he walks near you jump in front of the nearest car and scream "Save me Edward!"
38. Follow him around concentrating really hard on songs from shows such as 'Barney' and 'The Wiggles'.
39. Challenge him to a breath holding contest and accuse him of cheating.
40. Tell Aro that Edward would like to set up a ball room dancing class with him and the rest of the volturi.
41. Dye his hair blue and give him round black sunglasses and threaten to hide Bella if he doesn't wear them to school.
42. Blindfold him and take him to a tanning salon.
43. Jump out of corners and proceed to beating him with large planks of wood every ten minutes
44. Spray cheese into his mouth and force him to swallow it, all the while yelling, "WHAT'S WRONG EDWARD, DON'T YOU LIKE THE CHEEEEEEEESE?!
45. Make him a shirt that says "I Like Humans - I Don't Eat Them". Force him to wear it.
46. Make him drive you to La Push so you can jump back and forth on the boundary line screaming "Vampire Land!" "Werewolf Land!" "Vampire Land!" "Werewolf Land!" "Vampire Land! "Werewolf Land!" "Vampire Land!" etc
47. Make him watch 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire'. Mouth the word "Cedward!" in his general direction.
48. Paint his Volvo pink and write “I love Jacob” all over it
49. Sing "It’s a Small World" over and over in your head and follow him around.
50. Give his number to Jessica, and tell her he’s interested.
51. Ask him about Bella’s eighteenth birthday party.
52. Just think of the color black when he's around so he thinks he can't read your mind either.
53. Take every picture of him and draw fangs on them.
54. Watch 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire' and cry hysterically screaming "No Edward!" when Cedric dies.
55. Refer to him as "Eddie".
56. Prank call him saying you have kidnapped Bella and will only accept his Volvo as ransom.
57. Ask him where he buys his contact lenses. Daily. For about, ooh, a year.
58. Eye him suspicously every time he walks past, gripping a crusifix and throwing strings of garlic around your neck.
59. Sing "I Know A Song That'll Get On Your Nerves" in your head continually, over and over again, he'll go insane in less then three hours guarenteed. (A.N. That pretty much is the song!)
60. Come to school wearing dark robes, red/black contacts, and white makeup. Go up to Edward. Claim to be from the Volturi, and ask him where Bella is.
61. Get Carlisle to have "The Talk" with him.
62. Offer to put mountain lions on the endangered species list.
63. Run around the school with flyers that say "Save the Mountain Lion!"
64. Tell him Darth Vader is his father
65. Make Bella president of the 'La Push Cliff Diving Society'.
66. Randomly run up with a stake yelling "Die, fiend!"
67. Superglue Bella's window shut.
68. In front of Nessie, say aren't you glad you didn't kill the little brat.
69. Remind him that Jacob and Nessie are eventually going to...well you know.
70. Say, "Wow, you lost your virginity at 107 and your daughter is going to lose hers at 7 to the guy who was in love with your wife."
71. Go up to him and say "Humans are friends, not food." Continue to think this throughout biology class. (A.N. I love that from Finding Nemo!)
72. Purposely slice your finger open from a piece of paper then wave it in his face and squeel, "EDDIE! KISS IT BETTER!"
73. Every time you take a picture of him, ask him if he'll show up when you print it out.
74. Before you print it out, photoshop it so he doesn't show up in it out and show it to him.
75. Continually poke him with a pencil muttering quietly about how it's the closest thing to a wooden stake you can get.
76. For his birthday, buy him spray-on tan.
77. Challenge him to an eating contest and bet all of his money that you'll win. (A.N I should try that once I find out he's real! But do not take that bet with the werewolves.)
78. Whenever he comes near you, eye him suspiciously and put a scarf around your neck.
79. Cover his yard with "Beware of Vampire" signs.
80. Make an "I love Jacob" website and say Bella made it.
81. Write a long, detailed, novel about how the werewolves destroy the vampire race.
82. Tell him over and over again, "Nessie loves a werewolf. AKA The guy who was in love with your wife!"
83. Tell him that Nessie is Jaspers daughter.
84. Make him watch 'Ed, Edd, and Eddy' with you. Continually ask him "Which one are you in there Eddie? Is it him, him him... etc?"
The above was written by Urufu-chan.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN AUTHOR IF...
You talk to yourself a lot. (Alot meaning all the time...)
You talk to yourself about talking to yourself. (ie 'Why do I constantly ask my self random things?')
When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else. (ie 'Have you ever noticed that deliver could mean someone's liver?')
After uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, "Wow,this stuff is great for sugar highs...'
You live off of sugar and caffeine (the two greatest things ever discovered!)
You'll check your e-mail every day of the week and then disappear off the face of the earth.
You're e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.
When replying to an e-mail, you'll never actually address the point of it.
You tend to collect Bic Stics off the ground like picking pennies off the ground.
No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper.
The letters on your keyboard are wearing off.
Your friends and family think that you have carpal tunnel syndrome.
People think you have A.D.D.
You think it'd be cool to have A.D.D.
You constantly start talking in third person, present or past tense.
You start thinking about making lists like this and start giggling for no "apparent" reason
Your friends stopped looking at you funny for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago.
And FINALLY, the one way to tell if you're a good writer: You failed English 101.
(copy that into you're profile if you fit one or more of these descriptions)
Put this on your
If the opposite of 'pro' is 'con', then what's the opposite of 'progress'?
We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police
I'm not littering...I'm donating to the Earth.
Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
I am not a humanitarian. I am a hell-raiser.
Heck is the place for people who don't believe in Gosh.
I'm not a complete idiot... Some parts are missing.
The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every-time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?
Sarcasm is one more service I offer. Compassion costs extra.
Insanity is a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
I will temporarily rule the world, forever.
Life is like robbing a bank; so worth the while!
You want to know who your real friends are? Screw up and see who's still there- (A good one!!)
Let's see. My first impression: I hate you - Kakashi (Naruto)
Don't tell me the sky's the limit, when there's footprints on the moon-
Don't look at me with that tone of voice!-
Silence is golden, duck-tape is sliver-
Too troublesome - Shikamaru (Naruto)
It's a wonder they haven't locked you up yet-
A good friend would come and bail you out of jail. A true friend would be sitting there beside you saying, "Man that was fun! Let's do it again!"
Question: if some one with multiple personalities threatens to commit to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation??
Who ever said that anything was possible has obviously never tried to ski through a revolving door...
He shouldn't let his mind wander, it's too little to go out on its own
He had a good idea once, but it died of loneliness
Comfort the Disturbed and Disturb the Comfortable" -Unknown
"Fiction is a lie and good fiction is the truth inside the lie" -Unknown
"On a scale of one to holy shit, we're sitting at a solid 'fuck my life', JARVIS."-Pepper Potts, A Bump in the Road
If you have ever gotten so completely sidetracked in a conversation that you don't remember why you were talking copy and paste this on your profile
If you have ever zoned out for five consecutive minutes copy this on your profile
If you have your own little world, copy and paste this on your profile
If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say right before you were going to say it copy this on your profile
If you have ever slapped yourself and/or banged your head against a desk for no reason copy this on your profile
If you have ever said something that has nothing to do with the conversation copy this on your profile
If you hate those mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites, copy and paste this on your profile
If you have been hit in the face with a ball and started laughing copy this on your profile
If you have ever crashed into a wall while sugar high copy and paste this on your profile
If you have ever tried to make plans for world domination put this on your profile
If you, with no warning, laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, copy this on your profile
If you have ever thrown something at a TV screen when you saw a character you despised, copy and paste this on your profile
If your profile is long, copy this onto it to make it even longer
If you have ever copy and pasted something copy and paste this onto your profile
If you have ever dreamed about being an Anime Character, copy and paste this into your profile
If you're against animal cruelty (horse slaughter, bear beating, dolphin hunting, chimp slavery etc. then copy this into your profile!
If you and your friends have a nickname, title, or anything else for each other, copy and paste this in your profile.
If you have a very wide range of interests, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.
92 percent of American teens would die if Abecrombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this into your profile if you would be in the 8 percent laughing their asses off at the others.
If you talk to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile, and add your name to this list: Danyan, Avatarwolf, Shifter-youkai ChOpstIcKsXOXO, RadicalEd57, Fierygirl0, tsukiko3000,Neonzangetsu, That's Nice
If you're addicted to anime,copy & paste this into your profile.
Admitting you are weird means you are normal. Saying that you are normal is odd. If you admit that you are weird and like it, copy this onto your profile.
If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you are weird, insane, crazy, odd, not-normal, a freak of nature, psychotic, random, or anything similar, post this in your profile.
If you have a true friend, copy and paste this into your profile
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