11/6/2016

Well, I did it. I can only hope that I can complete what I started this time.

Thank you, all of you.

6/1/2016

This is possibly the most frivolous thing to write, but I somehow find myself pleased - I actually think it's some kind of fated sign - that I've chosen today to break my hiatus. Not because this day is significant in any matter, but simply because it's a palindrome. And palindromes please me. 6/1/16. Good 'nuff for me. I might as well go through with this and update my profile.

To everyone who's reviewed Catalyst, or PM-ed me in the past five and a half years... *awkward wave* Hi?

I know 11/21/2010 isn't the exact date, but in the days prior to the update I made below, my life fell apart.

I walked away from my husband. I asked for a divorce.

And for ages I couldn't bring myself to continue this story because of how disillusioned and disgusted and... bitter and... just how damn angry I was with the world. How was I expected to finish this story when I believed fairy tale romance, unconditional love, finding the "one" was all junk made up by Hollywood? How would I be able to sell it anymore?

Since then, I've grown a lot as a person. I've been in new relationships. I've had my heart broken. I've been abused. I've lashed out and I've gone crazy and I've...

I've changed.

Today, I finally re-read my own story. I was 23 when I started it, and while I'm well aware that 23 is older than the average site visitor (and as such, why I've always confided in my friends that I felt like I was cheating by "competing" against younger writers), I was surprised today to read what I was capable of producing at that seemingly tender age. I'm frankly floored - and a little in awe at my younger self - for getting so far with a story I started just to "prove" I could. And I can't believe I'm saying this, but only now, six years later, do I actually believe that I wrote a story that was pretty darn good on its own.

Throughout most of my life, I've struggled with self image. At 29, I still do. I used to think I was only as good (on this site) as the number of reviews I received. I actually used to do the math and figure out what my chapter:review ratio was, and my chapter:word ratio was compared to other stories; I measured my self worth by your reactions.

I genuinely cannot believe I'm finally proud of this story, and how I managed to suck myself in. And that's why I'm ok with telling the world today how how pathetically competitive, and stupid, and insecure and.. whatever it was that I used to be, because I wouldn't be surprised if there are others out there, like me, who do the same thing. And if you are such a person, I want you to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It gets better. You only need to keep the faith in yourself and not give up no matter how damn hard life may seem.

Holy shit. I've changed. And grown.

Wow.

But enough about me. I'm sure most of you don't care, although I imagine somehow in the near future is going to see that my profile has been updated after six years of inactivity and celebrate purely because surely that means I'll finish Catalyst...

So about that...

I never finished writing the story. I think I know how it ends. But at the time I'd been writing it, we were stuck in some stupid arc I think, and I was waiting to see how the main story would go before I went much further. At the time, I was running out of episodes to "catch up" on before we made it to the battle with Aizen. And with all the crap that went on with my life, I wasn't able to keep watching. I sort of cut myself off from everything.

What I'm trying to say is - I'm not sure if I can finish the story because I don't know how it ends... and I don't know if I'll be able to put in the hours upon hours of research to get myself up to speed on canon, re-learn all the facts and tidbits of Bleach, and get into these characters heads again.

But I do know I've sat on chapter 23 for six years. And perhaps it's time to get that released. I just... would it be fair to publish that one chapter - which was meant more as "filler" to set up the next series of chapters to be set in Soul Society - if I don't actually ever produce a chapter 24?

I don't know.

But here it is. For whoever may actually read this, I'm alive. I'm happy, I'm healthy, and somehow after all the crap I've gone through in my life, I was able to re-read Catalyst today and realize I still do believe in the purity of love. So... all I can say is I'll try.

And thank you all so much for your support and kind words. I have selfishly read every single review and PM sent to me over the past six years. Given how I was months behind responding to folks back when I was posting weekly - monthly, god knows how far behind I am today. I don't even know if I would be able to ever get back to everyone.

But thank you. Because your words and your support brought me back. And that's a start.

All my love,

Etiena.

11/21/2010

My life fell apart. Without going into details, I'm not sure when I'll be in a good place to write, again. I might post a drabble up to appease you all. Thank you so much for your patience. I swear I'll get Catalyst going again. I'm hoping once school is over I'll be able to focus on writing. Right now it's difficult for me to even get through class... or think of anything beyond taking everything one day at a time.

Your reviews and PMs mean the world to me. I will respond to every single one of you when I'm finally able to.

With all my love,

Etiena.

09/30/2010

I may have accidentally dropped my laptop on the floor. I'm going to be missing for awhile. I'll be reachable via PM. I promise I'll update... as soon as I can. First, I gotta see if they can fix my screen, and see if my chapter is still recoverable, or if I have to write it again...

About reviews

As taken from the awesome MarginalMary, whose entire profile, really, I agree with:

The fascinating subject of reviews.

Look, you should respond to everything you read. However, life doesn't always work that way, and/or the fic you just read doesn't inspire you to review. Both are understandable. Of the first, "shit happens." Of the second, not reviewing (silence) often speaks louder than words.

That said, if a fic provokes a stronger reaction and you decide to review, try to write something useful.

Tell the writer:

1) what is good

2) what is bad

3) what they can improve upon

4) how they might improve upon it

5) what is unique/profound/fascinating about his or her work

4 and 5 are touch and go. Sometimes the fic in question doesn't necessitate that sort of review.

About Beta/Review Requests

If, for whatever reason, you'd like for me to take a look at your work, I'll do my very best to do precisely that. However, I'm usually swamped with work of some kind. I may not have the time to comply with your request in a timely fashion or sometimes, at all. This isn't an attempt at a personal slight. This is the reality of my life coming into play.

If I do leave a review, you can expect that I follow the guidelines posted above. I believe that reviews can be useful in helping an author grow; If I've been specifically asked to review, I will be honest, and I will be deliberately looking for things good and bad. I do not see the point in a review that does little more than pad an author's ego. It is never my intention to come across as condescending, callous, mean, or really, negative in any way. Please do not read it as such. Criticism can be constructive. It can be good. I personally enjoy receiving a well-thought out review that challenges me as a writer and helps me to grow. In return, I want to do precisely the same.

03/02/2010

Having received several comments on my portrayal of characters - some of which saying I'm spot on, and others who say that while they see some of what they'd expect, that the characters seem slightly off - I thought I'd comment on that a little bit.

Firstly: I'm not perfect. I've tried my best to study the characters as much as I could (mostly based off what I've seen in anime) but I wouldn't doubt that I'm not wholly consistent with what seems to be stereotypical behavior.

Secondly: A lot of the characters I'm writing - that is, every single one of them save for Tōshirō, and even then that's arguable - are peripheral characters. I feel like they are extremely one dimensional in the manga/anime, and it is so hard to really get a good hard look at the "whole" of them. I've had to extrapolate on what I've been given with characters such as Karin and Yoruichi and Isshin. They can't all simply be what we're presented and nothing more. There has got to be more to them than whatever we see in their few minutes of screen time. So yes, I've taken liberties with all of the characters, if only because I feel that it's necessary to give them more depth, and make them more believable. For example, Matsumoto Rangiku isn't solely about being a slacker, getting drunk, shopping excessively and aggravating her captain. For her to have made vice captain alone should speak for her character, even if she doesn't choose to show the serious side of her often. That these characters are often used in the filler episodes and omake shorts in ridiculous, exaggerated fashions only serves to detract from the complex and realistic characters I want them to be. They shouldn't be defined by those moments, but rather by those rare glimpses in canon where we see a facet of their personality shine through that hint at the complexity below the surface.

Just my 2 cents. All this being said, I'd love for concrete feedback on the characters, and would definitely enjoy a dialog about any one of them. Shoot me a PM if you want to discuss something further. I'm always open to suggestions.