Author has written 13 stories for DC Elseworlds, Indiana Jones, Wizard of Oz, Star Wars, Marvel, Justice League, Avengers, X-overs, Green Lantern, Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes, Watchmen, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, and Holes.
Hello. I am the clown with a chainsaw.
My favorite stories? Oh, the classics. Sherlock Holmes, Lord of the Rings, the Hogfather.
I also know more than a fair shair about graphic novels. No, they are not Comic books. Comic books are books you read when you need a quick laugh. Graphic novels are epic tales of heroism in a pictoral format. Calling them comic books degenerate the genre. Do not call them comic books.
My enjoyment of the Super-hero genre is not limited to graphic novels, I also enjoy T.V. shows, such as Batman Beyond, Justice League Unlimited, and the Spectacular Spider-man.
I loathe anime and manga. Of course, to give credit where it's due, Pokemon Digimon and Yugi-oh had something. But then there were sequels. And sequels. And more sequels. And oh no when will the sequels end?! Why don't they know when to quit?! What is wrong with those people?! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!! The two exceptions to my 'no anime' rule are a) Death Note, because it doesn't go on forever, and is one of the best mystery stories I've read and b) One Piece, because despite its lackluster dialogue and the fact that it too goes on forever it gets a pass for its unique characters. Who are all pirates with superpowers. Pirates. With superpowers. Not ninjas with superpowers; Pirates. One of them has no superpowers; he just fights with three swords at a time and survives anything you can possibly throw at him.
I also am not a fan of Clint Eastwood. He is one of the worst actors I have ever seen. On the other side of the scale, I think Shia LeBeouf is a great actor. Just a few of my opinions which i find differ from most people's.
I enjoy writing epics. Not one-shots or funny stories. This means that my work will take some time to finish, but It'll be worth it. I will very rarely make an exception and write a one-shot.
And just because so many people out there are confused on this point, I will take a moment to say, I AM MALE. I don't know any girls who would use a clown-wielding chansaw for their account name, but I guess there are a few out there who would because pople keep asking me or even confusing me for girl. I AM A GUY.
Enjoy my writings. And please review. It's in all of our interests.
My finished fanfics:
Justice Champions; Answering the Call: My first fanfic, and now completed. Basically, this is the story of a world where none of the original Justice League members exist (and then some), but all of the villains are still here. Barbara Gordon is the new Green Lantern, Dick Grayson is Blackbird, and Garfield Logan is Captain Marvel. It's a strange yet wonderful world. And while not made of pure awesome like my other completed fanfic Legends, it is well worth a read and there are quite a few moments of jaw dropping amazement.
Legends: Perhaps my best story. I got the basis for this idea from a graphic novel called Old Man Logan, and the rest of it was inspired from Batman Beyond and Kick-Ass. If you're a fan of any of these stories, odds are you're going to love this one. The story of a group of heroes trying to bring back the legends of the Avengers after a sinister plot wiped their memory from the world. One old man from a bygone era gathersthese heroes and gives them a purpose. Honestly though, words fail to describe it. Read it. One of the main characters stabs a bad guy with her eyes I kid you not. And depending on your point of view, that's probably not the most awesome thing that happens.
Not a Typical Civil War: A story about friends, foes, and beaurocracy. Captain America leads the anti-registration movement, Iron Man leads the pro-registration movement, Spider-man reveals his secret identity, and a clone of Thor kills Goliath. All with a few minor adjustments, to help the story a little bit. This is my version of Marvel Civil War, inspired by the parody I don't need your Civil War and told with my guides on how to improve stories.
Destroyer: This one is just for fun. I was watching the finale to Justice League Unlimited, and I decided to write it from the various point of views of the characters. First, just to see if I could do it. And secondly to show that, despite what some people believe, there is more to awesomeness than explosions.
My current stories:
Green Lantern's Light: Barbara Gordon always wanted to be the best of the best, but patrolling a whole sector of the galaxy and the worst city in America at the same time is no picnic. She's forced to go to Sinestro for help, as she encounters the most feared Rogue's gallery on the planet. Clayface creates a team with Firefly, Wolfman, Spellbinder, Dr. Death, and the Outsider to be her undoing, an extra-dimensional imp called Green-Mite shows up, and the Weaponers of Qwrd arm a Hitler clone to - you know what? Let's just accept that this is Gotham and bad things happen here. She's bitten off way more than she can chew.
Escape From Camp Greenlake: The story of Louis Sachar's Holes told from a... different perspective. Crossing over with Calvin and Hobbes, Watership Down, Nintendo, Barney, and Bob the Builder, among other things.
Avengers Unlimited: An all new series featuring Earth's Mightiest Heroes as they Avenge the wrongs of the unjust. Featuring fresh, all new stories by me. Old favorite will appear; Kang the Conquerer, Ultron, the Masters of Evil. At the same time, new villains will challenge them; the Red Hulk, Maximus the Mad, and Mr. Negative.
Exiles; Kings and Pawns: Man, I love Exiles. Who wouldn't? It only allows us to make whatever we want to out of any character we wish! I mean come on, you could have a magical Xavier, Spider-man with Doc Oc's tentacles, teenage Ms. Marvel, mutant Gwen Stacey, Bruce Banner the space explorer, powerless Juggernaut, and that's just the beginning! Anything is possible with Exiles! Anyway, this is the story about six people from very different worlds trying to save the Multiverse.
Indiana Jones and the Golden Wedge of Ophir: I had this great idea for an Indiana Jones fanfiction, and decided to add the Watchmen to the mix. Unfortunately, I haven't had time to plan out this one's plot, and I've been to preoccupied with my other works to do so. So it'll have to wait a while. Really, just combining the two masters of improvised fighting (Indiana Jones and roshcarch, and maybe I'll give Jackie Chan a cameo) on an epic quest for a mystical relic.
Marvels of the Force: This one is actually trickier to do then one would have guessed. But I'm progressing. I have high hopes. The story of Marvel Heroes, in a universe where powers mean next to nothing, unless you have the force. I don't think I'll be able to finish this one. The idea just doesn't inspire me the way it used to. I hope you enjoy it and if anybody want to finish it talk to me, but I won't be finishing this.
The Wizard of Star Wars: Heh heh, A long time ago... in a galaxy far far over the rainbow... I just love how that sounds. So, this is last on my list because it's a group project. My sister (who is also on fanfiction but shall remain unnamed for mutual protection against embaressment) and I take turns writing chapters. The story is on my site, because of the two of us I'm the only one who had written Star Wars fanfiction, and neither of us had written for Wizard of Oz before. It's her turn to write the next chapter, so don't hold your breath. Basically, a Wizard of Oz parody, done in the Star Wars universe.
Marvel Noir: I'm almost halfway done this one, and it's gotten some great feedback. Not too shabby for something that started as a spin-off. It's the story of a dark streetside Marvel universe, and Spider-man's adventures in it, with his ally Detective James Howlett. Now, because of all of the positive feedback I've recieved, I've decided to let this story stay up, but I'm not going to finish it. This was a great experiment to see if I could write a noir, and long story short I couldn't to save my life. I can't write a story where everybody has some dark flaw, heroes don't exist, and the ending is dark and dreadful. I write epics. That is who I am. I'm leaving this stoy up for people to enjoy, and if anybody feels like they want to take a try at finishing it, they can message me. But I can't.
I'm busy, what with life and stuff, so I may not be able to update them as frequently as I like. But unless I say otherwise, I will continue writing.
My Upcoming Stories:
Justice Champions: Rise of the Injustice Champions: Stories about the nefarious villains of the Justice Champions universe. From the Hood, to the Gargoyle, to Amazo, all of the Champion's worst nightmares.
The Justice Irregulars: In the recent Justice Champions story arc, this universe's equivalent of the Teen Titans will be introduced. Can this new force stand up to the deadliest man on the planet... Deathstroke the Terminator? By the way, I'm open to suggestions for the team name.
The Crisis on Infinite Worlds: The crisis on infinite earths reaches the J.C. universe. As J.C.'s evil opposites from another dimension arrive to destroy their world, the Champions must look for a similar team in the multiverse to come to their aid, as the Anti-Moniter attempts to destroy them! Thankfully, the moniter met with me (The ClownWithAChiansaw), and gave my universes a chance to live on. Dr. Manhatten from my Indiana Jones universe will assemble a team from all of my stories, and then some! Remember, even in the darkest of continuities, there is hope.
Captain Marvel; Thunderfall: When Garfield gets his magical powers and becomes the great Captain Marvel, his biggest worries are the paparazzi. Until he crosses swords with the villain who calls himself Vandal Savage and soon he has to make a deal with Felix Faust to stop the madman before Hollywood goes to hell. Literally.
Blackbird's Lost Years: On his journey to avenge his parents, Dick Grayson encounters the sinister Ras Al Ghul, who offers to train the boy wonder. He accepts, and is pitted aginst foes like the Mad Monk, and Dr. Tzin-Tzin. Will he be overcome by his dark side, or will he resist with the help of his new friends, the Pariahs?
Wonder Woman; To Be A Hero: Donna Troy is new in man's world, and even with her new friends the Justice Champions, she's out of her depth. After stumbling onto Doctor Psycho's evil machinations, she has to figure out why she is who she is or lose herself in his terrifying mental trauma.
The Adventures of Tom Thumb: Tom Thumb, adventurer extraordinair. He journeys around the globe, just looking for wrongs to right so his aunt can sell the now famous Tom Thumb adventure series. His fearless exploits cross paths with Gorilla Grodd, Braniac, and S.C.Y.T.H.E. So when Egg-Fu releases alien criminals from a place known only as 'the phantom zone' it should be a piece of cake, right?
In A Snap: Snap's life is a piece of cake. After al, when you can get from point A to point B faster than light, it's not like anything can go wrong. Except it does, when one day a demigod from the future calling himself Abra Kadabra decides to kill Snap before he can ruin the future. Now, he's in the race of his life trying to fix the future before it's even broken, travelling through time and trying not to die.
Red Rover; The Turtle and the Trickster: She's from the future, but now she's stuck in the past, force to fight supervillain after supervillain. She's tired of having to save the world, until one supervillain comes along, robbing airplanes in mid-air, and changes her world. Unfortunately, the Turtle has other plans, and like all criminal masterminds, it spells nothing good for Red Rover.
Superman, and the Red Son: Jimmy Olsen is no stranger to life in Metropolis, but now that he's Superman, things take a turn. A man named Metallo turns the public against him, a villain named the Parasite is out to destory him, and there's something just not right about Metropolis' other hero, the Hood.
The Legend of Riptide: The people of Atlantis are in disarray. One faction of them follows the Ocean Master as their king, the others live under the military state of King Shark, and some are working for Black Manta, an invader in their homes. One day, one child decides to stand up, and fight back. Riptide and his band of outlaws decide to take back what they're owed.
BlackHawk Rising: Prince Khufu of egypt, was a powerful man, powerful enough that his spirit was reincarnated, over and over again. After his last life as Carter Hall ended prematurely, he was reborn in the form of Jason Waller, an unassuming young man with powerful parents. But as he becomes wrapped up in an alien conspiracy, he discovers that there is more to him than he realised.
Suicide Squad: Amanda Waller is charged with protecting america, and she will no matter what the cost. And she knows there's nobody better to fight under her command, then people who have no morals, people who will do whatever it takes, people who only know how to fight for their lives. Powerful people. Supervillains. Join the Riddler, Deadshot, Bolt, the Atomic Skull, Solomon Grundy, Firefly and Cheetah as they try to survive the Suicide Squad.
Challengers of the unknown: After Ace, Rocky and his team left, Proffessor Logan restarted the team. With the Riptide, Robotman, Monsieur Mallah, and their newest recruit Mouse Man, they travel through alternate dimesnions, onto alien dimensions, and basically anywhere where the unknown has yet to be explored.
Marvel Unlimited vs. J.C.: The big crossover event between my Justice Champions series and my (as of now unpublished) Avengers Unlimited series. Prepare to have your socks blown off. That is all.
latVertia the Free: A crossover between Marvel and V for Vendetta. There's been an escape in one of Dr. Doom's concentration camps. Now, armed only with farming impliments, and his most lethal weapon, his mind. One man takes on the legions of Latvertia, to end the oppression of it's people.
Mystery Inc.: A darker take on Scoobie Doo. When people at a mystery conference start disappearing, four kids and a dog decide it's time to meddle.
V: The only thing that you and I have in common Mr. Creedy is we're both about to die.
Creedy: How do you imagine that's going to happen?
V: With my hands around your neck.
Creedy: ...Wotchya gonna do eh? We've swept this place, you have nothing. Nothing but your bloody knives and your fancy karate gimmicks. We have guns.
V: No, what you have are bullets... and the hope when your guns are empty I'm no longer standing. Because if I am... you will be dead before you've reloaded.
Gollum: What's it doing?! Stupid, fat hobbit! You ruins it!
Sam: What's to ruin? There was hardly any meat on them. What we need is a few good taters.
Gollum: What's "taters", precious? What's "taters", eh?
Sam: Po-tay-toes! Boil em, mash em, stick em in a stew. Lovely big golden chips with a nice piece of fried fish.
Sam: Even you couldn't say no to that.
Gollum: Oh yes, we could! Spoiling nice fish! Give it to us raw, and wriggling! You keep nasty chips!
Sam: ...You're hopeless.
Cale: A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night.
Richard: I couldn't sleep.
Payback: I'm your worst nightmare!
Bruce: You have no idea what my nightmares are like.
Imperial Officer: She'll die before she'll tell you anything.
Darth Vader: Leave that to me.
Creedy: Die! Die! Why won't you die?! Why won't you die...
V: Beneath this mask there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask there is an idea, Mr. Creedy. And, ideas are bullet-proof.
Bruce: I'm only human
Terry: I keep forgetting.
Frodo: We are hobbits of the Shire. Frodo Baggins is my name, and this is Samwise Gamgee.
Faramir: Your bodyguard?
Sam: His gardener.
Nute Gunray: My lord! Is that... legal?
Sidious: I will make it legal.
Richard: Listen, like I told your captain, that orphanage attacked me.
Dexter Morgan: A man who discovers his pants are on fire, has very little time to worry about another man's box of matches.
Vader: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Bilbo: I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve!
Yoda: When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you will not, hmm?
The Wizard Tim: That's no ordinary rabbit!
Richard: The look on your face when a toddler rips out your heart and shows it to you? Priceless.
Gandalf: I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to; the long explanations needed by the young are wearying.
Emperor Palpatine: Master Yoda... you survived.
Samwise: If I hear not allowed much oftener, I'm going to get angry.
Faramir: I would not snare even an orc with a falsehood.
Richard: I noticed someone submitted a note into the suggestion box. "We should kill all the survivors and take their shoes." It's signed anonymously. We'll never know who wrote it. I wrote it.
Yoda: Do, or do not. There is no try.
Obi-Wan: Only a Sith deals in absolutes.
Obi-Wan: I will do what I must.
Anakin: You will try.
Me: Ah, observe the humble Playtpus. Just nature's little way of saying; I made this out of spare parts and it could still kill you!
Sam: It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo; the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end... because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was, when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going... because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding on to, Sam?
Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.
Elrond: This is the hour of the Shire-folk, when they arise from their quiet fields to shake the towers and counsels of the Great. Who of all the Wise could have foreseen it? Or, if they are wise, why should they expect to know it, until the hour has struck?
Gandalf: Despair is only for those who see the end beyond all doubt. We do not
Aragorn: Sons of Gondor! Of Rohan! My brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me! A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship. But it is not this day. An hour of wolves and shattered shields when the age of Men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you stand! Men of the West!
Aragorn: For Frodo.
Frodo: I wish it need not have happened in my time.
The Witch-King: Come not between the Nazgul and his prey! Or he will not slay thee in thy turn. He will bear thee away to the houses of lamentation, beyond all darkness, where thy flesh shall be devoured, and thy shriveled mind be left naked to the Lidless Eye.
Quotes that I have no idea who said first:
NO TRESPASSING. INTRUDERS WILL BE SHOT. SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN
House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.
I ran with scissors, and lived!
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.
A life? Cool! Where do I download one of those?
The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?
Flying is simple, you just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.
I couldn't fix your brakes so I made your horn louder.
Nothing says oops like a wall of flame.
Don't look for inspiration. Start working and inspiration will come to you.
You always get whats coming to you; unless it gets lost in the mail.
"Real artificial bacon bits" Oh, yeah, I'm gonna go out and buy myself some real-fake bacon bits. Not just fake-fake, real-fake
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look too good either.
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver. I guess I can settle for second place.
The trouble with real life is that there is no background music
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Forecast for tonight: darkness
If you try to fail and succeed, which one did you do?
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
How come when you mix water with sugar, you get glue and then when you add eggs and sugar you get cake? Where does the glue go?
You should always proofread what you write in case you any words.
When they laugh, we'll laugh along too. Because we know better. We know.
We are the people our parents warned us about!
A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.
It's good to die for your contry, but it's really good when the other guys die for their contry.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
A mighty oak is the restult of a a nut who held its ground.
Despite the rising cost of living, it remains a popular activity.
It's you and me against the world. (puts on helmet) We attack at dawn.
Friends don't set friends on fire.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
The evening news always starts off by saying Good Evening and then procede to tell you exactly why it isn't.
He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
To be old and wise you must first have to be young and stupid.
Take risks, if you win you will be happy; if you lose you will be wise.
You are only limited by your own fears and inaction.
Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
I'm the author of my life, and unfortunately I'm writing in pen!
Move on. It's just a chapter in the past. But don't close the book. Just turn the page.
When you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you'll never enjoy the sunshine. Until the storm's over and you're the only survivor.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Many say I am just one to try. I say I am one less to quit.
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me in kick boxing.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look to astonished.
We live in an age where the pizza delivery will reach your house before the police.
Who ever said that anything was possible has obviously never tried to ski through a revolving door...
He shouldn't let his mind wander, it's too little to go out on its own.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tommorow in Australia.
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
Vegetarian: Native American word for 'lousy hunter'.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
There's no point in being grownup if you can't be childish sometimes!
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you
One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better
Reality is for people who lack imagination.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it
Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's schizophrenia,
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first
Having the love of your life say "we can still be friends", is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.
The dinosaurs extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.
OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense was hospitalized when the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
In case Common sense comes back from the grave to eat our brains, read him these actual labels on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)
On packaging for a Rowentairon: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because?...)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
35 Lessons High School Musical 2 has Taught Us
1. If you wish to show your inability or dislike for dancing, it's perfectly reasonable to break out in a dance number.
2. College? It's not important, as long as you can hang out with your friends.
3. If your love is strong enough, fireworks will go off, and lanterns will fly away when you and your boyfriend kiss. Go ahead, try it!
4. Playing sports is a hint that it's time to break into song.
5. School spirit is a must. Especially during the summer.
6. Your friends are not human and should always be addressed by the name of their school mascot.
7. Yes! You can paint your locker pink! Nobody cares about the school board.
8. A guy can never wear too much bronzer.
9. Lakes are the equilivant of mirrors. They can show your reflection perfectly!
10. It is possible to memorize a 3 minute song over the course of 30 seconds...and sing it perfectly!
11. It doesn't matter that you're not a staff member... You can still attend any and all staff events.
12. The phrase 'more moves than an octopus in a wrestling match' is something that can be used in everyday conversation
13. There are two bells that get you out of school. The first one tells you to start singing and dancing, the second announces you should stop.
14. Even though its the last day of school, its okay to leave stuff in the locker for the summer.
15. If your family is 'saving pennies' for your college education and gives you a junky truck to drive because they 'can't afford anything else', it is normal for their kitchen to have expensive granite counter tops and a 7,000 fridge.
16. Pianos can float now. Go ahead, try it.
17. If you're upset, just run through a golf course, jumping and spinning, while singing 'Bet on it'...you won't fall at any point, and no one will stop and think 'what the hell?'.
18. You can send telepathic messages to your mom to tell her to pick you up just as you're finishing your breakup song with your boyfriend.
19. A resort can be highly successful when there are way more employees than guests.
20. 'And she stepped on the ball' is actually quite funny. You just need to put it into context.
21. One family can apparently control an entire city, including all educational institutions in the area.
22. It's good manners to refer to your mother as a 'backstabber'
23. Turkey imported from Maine is much better than any other turkey. In fact, it's fabulous...
24. It is possible to hire an entire high school to be the staff at an upscale country club.
25. Iced tea from England is blue.
26. Water Bug is a really cute, funny, and romantic pet name. -gags-
27. Being a teenage paparazzi at school and taking multiple pictures of the same two people is not weird or creepy in any way.
28. Take two small saucepan lids and bang them together. You'll find they make the exact same sound as a large GONG. Go ahead, try it.
29. It IS possible to have any object in the world come in pink & glitter, engraved with your initials.
30. If you are the basketball star of your school, you can get yourself, as well as the rest of the school, summer jobs.
31. Don't change your friends, change your dreams.
32. 'What team?' 'Wildcats!' 'GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME!' can fix any problem.
33. Basketball scholarships at the University of Albuquerque depend completely on your musical performance skills
34. Guitars and speaker equipment can be placed near a pool safely.
35.When you frolic with your girlfriend in the golf course, you get in trouble. When you frolic by yourself and sing, nothing happens.
Go ahead. Try it.
THE FOLLOWING IS FOR THE LESS-THAN-SANE EVERYWHERE!
You're just jealous because the voices in my head talk to me and not you.
I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?!
Out of my mind. Be back in five minutes.
I do visit reality once in a while. Want to see my tourist visa?
Normality will be restored as soon as we figure out what it is.
Be yourself. That's crazy enough
I have not lost my mind; its backed up on a disk somewhere
Beware the letter 'G'. It is the end of everything.
I used to have super powers, but my therapist took them away.
If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something
There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line
I'm not random. I just have many bluebird waffles
I'm the kind of person who walks into a chair and apologizes
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
The below statement is true
The above statement is false
In a world of cheerios, be a frootloop!
There is no great genius without a mixture of madness
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them as much
If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with nonsense
When life gives you lemons make grape juice, lay back, and let the world wonder how you did it.
When life gives you lemons squeeze them in somebody's eyes and RUN!
If you are reading this then step 1 of my EVIL PLAN is complete.
I'm mature and you're not. Nah nah nah nah nah nah!
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems
If aliens are looking for intelligent life, why are you so scared?!
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
I know KUNG-FU! And 42 other dangerous words
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhh its a secret!
I will temporarily rule the world, forever.
Quick, whats the number for 9-1-1?
I burst laughing out in class today...I got that joke you told yesterday
Hi! I'm human. What're you?
Have you considered suing your brain for non-support?
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
I don't have a short attention span, I just... Oh look a kitty!
I haven't lost my marbles, they're under my bed somewhere.
Don't take life too seriously -You'll never get out of it alive.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Give me chocolate and nobody gets hurt!
I AM NOT CRAZY! My reality is just different than yours.
MILK FEELS PAIN!
"When did you become so crazy?"
"I'm gonna turn you into a frog" (Waves hand)
If you are Mad as a Hatter and proud of it, copy and paste these jokes onto your profile.
A MEMORIAL FOR THE JOKER
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall through a sewer hole and die.
Everyone is beautiful on the inside. If you think bones and guts are beautiful.
Its always funny until someone gets hurt. Then its hysterical
You, you, and you panic. The rest of you follow me.
Heaven doesn't want me there, and Hell knows I'll take over.
Don't make me angry, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
They say guns don't kill people. People kill people. Well, I think guns help. I mean, if you just stood there and yelled, "BANG!" I don't think you'd kill many people
Smile. It makes the world wonder what you're up to.
Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.
You shot an oompa loompa!
I have a dream and in it, something eats you.
If I promise not to kill you... can I have a hug?
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder
Some people are like slinkies... they're really good for nothing! But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs! ( I know a lot of these people... now where are those stairs...? )
That's it... You leave the bear trap there and we'll see if we caught Santa in the morning!
One bright morning in the middle of the night two dead fellows stood up to fight. They stood back to back, facing each other, drew their swords and shot each other. If you don't believe my lie, it's true, ask the blind lady on the corner, she saw it too.
The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up.
He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK,
But you sir, When you're born you're PINK,
And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
A girl and guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle
Girl: Slow down, I'm scared!
Guy: No, this is fun.
Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: I love you, now slow down!
Guy: Now give me a big hug.
She gives him a big hug
Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me.
In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his break wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she would live even if he died.
Copy this onto your profile if you would do the same thing for someone you love
Copy this onto your profile if you would never take your true love fora motorcycle ride without a spare helmet in the first place.
If you think Tellytubbies are failed evil alien genetic mutation experiments who want to take over the world throught the brainwashing of the universes young, put this in your profile
The Road goes ever on and on
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